Nine French Toast Squares for Mortal Men Doomed to Die

October 23, 2012 10:58 AM

Denny's will soon be launching a Hobbit inspired menu. Featuring such delights as Bilbo's Berry Smoothie and Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies, second breakfast and elevenses will never be the same! (via boingboing)
posted by ursus_comiter (93 comments total)

"Fans of the Hobbit knows that hobbits eat two breakfasts, and eat about seven times per day. 'We just felt with the two breakfasts that whole notion of comfort eating and comfort food satirical gluttony' were a fit for Denny's, said Frances Allen, CMO at the restaurant chain."
posted by griphus at 11:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I look forward to ordering Pippin and Merry's ALL THE FOOD.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:02 AM on October 23, 2012 [17 favorites]

What is this I don't even
posted by Kitteh at 11:03 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

POH-TA-TOES
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:04 AM on October 23, 2012 [21 favorites]

I look forward to the next Upheaval when North America is swallowed by the sea.
posted by selfnoise at 11:04 AM on October 23, 2012

I look forward to the Wormtongue sandwich.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:05 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

POTATOES AND SASHIMI
posted by boo_radley at 11:06 AM on October 23, 2012

Menu items include 11 breakfast, lunch and dinner items such as "Hobbit Hole Breakfast," "Frodo's Pot Roast Skillet," "Gandalf's Gobble Melt" and the "Build Your Own Hobbit Slam," which includes limited-time items such as "Shire Sausage."

Meanwhile Martin Freeman, Elijah Wood, Andy Serkis, Ian McKellen, and Hugo Weaving are all vocally vegetarian.
posted by zarq at 11:06 AM on October 23, 2012 [20 favorites]

Are you actually fucking serious? Really?

... Call a big one, Muad'Dib.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:06 AM on October 23, 2012 [6 favorites]

Actually, now that I think of it, French toast is sort of how I've always imagined lembas would taste. Maybe halfway between French toast and a really good, flaky croissant.
posted by XMLicious at 11:06 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Sounds delicioussssss
posted by hal9k at 11:10 AM on October 23, 2012

... Call a big one, Muad'Dib.

IHOP's competing Dune-inspired menu includes breakfast lunch and dinner items such as "Melange Madness Waffles," "Fremen Fries," "Tlei-lox-u" and "The Floating Fat Ham."
posted by griphus at 11:11 AM on October 23, 2012 [38 favorites]

Where's the Golem inspired sashimi menu?!?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 11:11 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies will have to be magnificent. Mick Hucknall's Pink Pancakes really set the bar high.
posted by delfin at 11:11 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I and my friends will noisily cram our maws with these delights, and jam stray bits of greasy swill into our jackets and coin-purses "for later."
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:12 AM on October 23, 2012 [6 favorites]

flame broiled herb-crusted smaug
posted by hal9k at 11:13 AM on October 23, 2012

I wouldn't eat first breakfast there, much less second.
posted by mhoye at 11:13 AM on October 23, 2012 [8 favorites]

I am looking forward to the painfully long Silmarillion Appetizer and Salad menu, which is sung to you by the waitress after you've completed your meal, and contains many, many obscure dishes that are all but impossible to pronounce.
posted by mosk at 11:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [43 favorites]

Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!
That's what Dennys hates -
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
posted by hal9k at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2012 [16 favorites]

Cram at Denny's? Didn't see that coming.
posted by comealongpole at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2012

No Grand Cram? No Wild Berry Waybread?
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 11:18 AM on October 23, 2012

I wouldn't eat first breakfast there, much less second.

Denny's has got to be the only greasy spoon that somehow makes a hangover worse.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:19 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

I am looking forward to the painfully long Silmarillion Appetizer and Salad menu, which is sung to you by the waitress after you've completed your meal, and contains many, many obscure dishes that are all but impossible to pronounce.

Don't forget the laborious descriptions of the previous eight generations of menus, gone over in length until you decide you're not even hungry anymore because dealing with this isn't worth the meal.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:19 AM on October 23, 2012 [14 favorites]

Bet it gives you the Smaugs
posted by nathancaswell at 11:20 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Well sir, if I could make Moons Over My Hammy like that I would call myself a short-order cook. But it was the burning that went to my heart, if you know what I mean.
posted by darksasami at 11:24 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

You can tell the general "goodness" of a forthcoming movie by which restaurant chain ends up with the fast food tie-in campaign. Denny's is not a promising sign...

(The scale may have changed a bit since I came up with it, but in the day, McDonalds was a top drawer movie. Burger King was pretty good. By the time you got down to Arby's or (god help you) Subway, the movie was going to be shit. Denny's was better than those, but not that much better.)
posted by Naberius at 11:24 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Melange Madness Waffles," "Fremen Fries," "Tlei-lox-u" and "The Floating Fat Ham."

The Apple Crumb Jabbar - demonstrate your humanity by resisting the urge to eat it all in one sitting. Coffee cake is the mind-killer.
posted by XMLicious at 11:25 AM on October 23, 2012 [12 favorites]

You can tell the general "goodness" of a forthcoming movie by which restaurant chain ends up with the fast food tie-in campaign.

Come in for your I Know Who Killed Me-inspired lunch at Waffle House.

I just ate at Waffle House for the first time a few weeks ago and it was genuinely good.
posted by griphus at 11:25 AM on October 23, 2012

Something about "There and Back Again" and projectile vomiting.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 11:26 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

"Hobbit Hole Breakfast", "Gandalf's Gobble Melt" and the "Build Your Own Hobbit Slam", which includes limited-time items such as "Shire Sausage".

Ok, this is officially the gayest breakfast ever.
posted by fallingbadgers at 11:26 AM on October 23, 2012 [33 favorites]

Can we just fast forward to where the thread degenerates into Hobbit inspired euphemisms for pooping? Cause

"Floating some barrels out of Mirkwood"
posted by nathancaswell at 11:27 AM on October 23, 2012 [32 favorites]

is this real life?
posted by crackingdes at 11:29 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

IHOP's competing Dune-inspired menu includes breakfast lunch and dinner items such as "Melange Madness Waffles," "Fremen Fries," "Tlei-lox-u" and "The Floating Fat Ham."

Also "Worm-in-the-Hole".

I hate how you always have to ask for water.
posted by Kabanos at 11:31 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" - My colon, later
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2012 [14 favorites]

On the other hand, MGM did a marketing deal with Howard Johnsons for 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Sometimes the rules (and common sense) just go flying out the window.
posted by Naberius at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

And the hostess spits at your feet when you come in.
posted by griphus at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

online banner ads written in a fiction script

Nice copyediting, AdAge.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2012

GODDAMMIT

goddammit
posted by grubi at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Denny's has got to be the only greasy spoon that somehow makes a hangover worse.

yes but I hear it's a great place to meet your local black market small arms dealer.
posted by mannequito at 11:33 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

The Surprisingly Well-Spoken Goblins' (Before They Were Called Orcs) Mutton, Mutton and More Mutton Platter
posted by Curious Artificer at 11:37 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Does this mean I can finally go to Denny's barefoot?
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:38 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

bareFEET
posted by nathancaswell at 11:40 AM on October 23, 2012 [13 favorites]

Psh, denny's ain't got nothin on this pizza place in Kalamazoo. Half off drinks and pizza on thrusday nights!
posted by rebent at 11:42 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

oh geeze, it looks like they've sanitized the IP-vio words from the menu. But still, check out their sandwiches!
posted by rebent at 11:45 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

That's right, America. You're all hobbits.

You just keep telling yourself that.
posted by R. Schlock at 11:48 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Where's the Golem inspired sashimi menu?!?

Raw fish from Denny's is a terrible idea.
posted by maryr at 11:50 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

BTW, if I'm not a hobbit, why do I have hair all over my feet, hmm?
posted by maryr at 11:51 AM on October 23, 2012

Anyone know how to say 'type II diabetes' in Sindarin?
posted by trunk muffins at 11:51 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

Filthy Marketers! Wicked, tricksy, false! We hates them my precious!

No! not Marketers!

Yes, precious! They will cheat you, trick you, lie!

No! Marketers pay our salaries. Look after us. They wouldn't hurt us!

They are false, precious! They do not care if we work late! We shows them datas, and secret trickses for Excel, but they say we are 'difficult to work with' my precious! Gollum! Gollum!

No precious! Marketers help us. Gave us a job when no-one else would.

Sneaky Marketers! Once they take hold of us, they never let go!



...precious...
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:54 AM on October 23, 2012 [26 favorites]

Gross!!!
posted by gagglezoomer at 11:54 AM on October 23, 2012

Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies will have to be magnificent.

RADAGAST THE RED?

Sigh.
posted by eriko at 11:55 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]

Denny's has got to be the only greasy spoon that somehow makes a hangover worse.

Back when Mr. Arkham and I were just friends, we'd all go out in a group, get drunk, then go to Denny's nearly every week. And nearly every week, he'd go out in the parking lot and vomit afterward. He swears it prevented hangovers.

And yes, I eventually married him anyway. And we have switched to better booze and food.
posted by JoanArkham at 12:01 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I don't think Bilbo's Pizza can compare to the Hobbit Inn in Ólafsvík, Iceland. I've eaten there and can vouch for their pizza.
posted by ursus_comiter at 12:04 PM on October 23, 2012

nothing is true, everything is permitted
posted by Bwithh at 12:06 PM on October 23, 2012

does Gandalf "gobble' in the book? what does he gobble.

+
are any of these dishes presented as incorporating Hobbit meat?
posted by Bwithh at 12:08 PM on October 23, 2012

I myself am a big fan of Bilbo Baggins in Alexandria, VA. (It's way, way more real decent restraunt/microbrewery and less of a theme place.)
posted by Navelgazer at 12:12 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Contrast this with the Alamo Drafthouse and its annual Lord of the Rings trilogy menu. That was the inspiration for our own go at a full set of Hobbit meals to accompany the extended editions of all three movies:

First Breakfast: poached eggs with hollandaise, bacon, grilled mushrooms
Second Breakfast: strawberries with whipped cream and honey
Elevenses: homemade bangers with grilled tomato, aged English cheddar, beets
Luncheon: shooter's sandwiches (oft discussed on MeFi), green salad
Afternoon Tea: cucumber sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, Beorning honey cakes*
Dinner: smoked duck breast with cumberland sauce, maple butternut squash and carrot purée
Supper: leek and potato soup, apple pie
Dessert: Lembas bread**

* Shortbread drizzled with honey and topped with a bit of grey salt (recipe)
** Lightly sweetened lemon scones wrapped in banana leaves

It works out that if you start First Breakfast with the first movie, then you can basically serve courses at each disc change, plus a longer break between TTT and ROTK to accomodate afternoon tea and a leg-stretching walk. This lets you keep a good pace without overly interrupting the movies. The only two courses that require significant cooking before serving are First Breakfast (made before you start) and Elevenses (made during the break in between Fellowship and TTT). Everything else can be made ahead of time and either served cold (e.g. the duck breast) or gently reheated in the oven (e.g. the squash & carrot purée).
posted by jedicus at 12:23 PM on October 23, 2012 [33 favorites]

The Hobbit pub in Southampton, UK has been naming their drinks after Tolkein characters for years now. This is all, of course, without the permission of the various copyright holders which I hear has got them into some trouble before.
posted by absolutelynot at 12:26 PM on October 23, 2012

Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies

Shouldn't they be brown?

(on preview, eriko has it too.)
posted by Gelatin at 12:27 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Down, down to gobblin' town!
posted by ian1977 at 12:30 PM on October 23, 2012

Menu items include 11 breakfast, lunch and dinner items such as "Hobbit Hole Breakfast,"

Do I get to choose the Hobbit?
posted by sevenyearlurk at 12:31 PM on October 23, 2012

Or at least the hole?
posted by delfin at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

It burns us, it BURNS us!
posted by Ber at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2012

they are clearly going after that post-LARP dollar
posted by en forme de poire at 12:39 PM on October 23, 2012

trunk muffins: "Anyone know how to say 'type II diabetes' in Sindarin?"

Standard medical terminology uses Quenya.
posted by Chrysostom at 12:43 PM on October 23, 2012 [11 favorites]

POH-TA-TOES

Taters. And don't ask what's taters, precious.
posted by ersatz at 12:44 PM on October 23, 2012

Hobbitcore taters.
posted by ursus_comiter at 12:54 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

What's really disturbing is the product placement going the other way. Seeing that bit in the trailer where Gimli orders a Grand Slam Breakfast and Fili's Moons Over My Hammy at Bag End sure left an odd taste.
posted by Metro Gnome at 1:06 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Hungry Hobbit , a small cafe in Birmingham near Tolkien's childhood home, has had years of bullying threats from lawyers over changing its branding. Now they do an excellent Second Breakfast.
posted by brilliantmistake at 1:24 PM on October 23, 2012

Orc Chops...
posted by jim in austin at 1:32 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Hobbit Hole Breakfast," "Frodo's Pot Roast Skillet," "Gandalf's Gobble Melt" and the "Build Your Own Hobbit Slam,"

This is why Christopher Tolkien has become a bitter old man, who despises the movies, and in this instance I can't say I blame him.


That Alamo Drafthouse menu, on the other hand... I Want To Go To There.
posted by dnash at 1:32 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

That I'm glad that the films have connected (and will continue to connect) so many people to Tolkien's work who might have otherwise missed it, does not make me hate this any less. Now if only the sun would come up and turn all these corporate trolls to stone...
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:57 PM on October 23, 2012

As was written in the Pepsi Blue Book of Westmarch.
posted by JHarris at 2:09 PM on October 23, 2012

The Hobbit pub in Southampton, UK has been naming their drinks after Tolkein characters for years now. This is all, of course, without the permission of the various copyright holders which I hear has got them into some trouble before.

Heh, I know people that used to tend bar there! And also go there to try and pull. (Not the same people.)
posted by Kitteh at 2:23 PM on October 23, 2012

Denny's delved too greedily and deep. You know what they woke in the darkness...
posted by jadepearl at 2:30 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

euphemisms for pooping

Fighting a Balrog
Seeking Council with Radagast the Brown
Sounding the Horn of Gondor
Befouling the pool of Henneth Annun
The Fall of Numenor
Unearthing Durin's Bane
Spawning the Uruk-Hai
Summoning the Rohirrim
Wielding the Secret Fire
Turning Slinker into Stinker

PS - Sorry for the one man derail but my friends and I have been texting back and forth for the past hour and I can't not share them.
PPS - In all honesty this exercise has moved today from the "Unproductive" to the "Productive" mental category as far as I am concerned.
posted by nathancaswell at 3:03 PM on October 23, 2012 [20 favorites]

Somehow, this reminds me of Cookie Monster's Polish Imperial Keilbasa.
posted by wormwood23 at 3:07 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

ursus_comiter: "I don't think Bilbo's Pizza can compare to the Hobbit Inn in Ólafsvík, Iceland. I've eaten there and can vouch for their pizza."

half off drinks and pizza thursday nights tho! microbrews!
posted by rebent at 3:09 PM on October 23, 2012

Oh, sure .... they'll seat and serve Hobbits. But others gotta still wait ...
posted by scblackman at 3:39 PM on October 23, 2012

I wouldn't eat first breakfast there, much less second.

Perhaps if you had some Longbottom Leaf or Old Tobey you could work up the appetite ;)
posted by Capricorn13 at 3:52 PM on October 23, 2012

The Hobbit pub in Southampton, UK has been naming their drinks after Tolkein characters for years now. This is all, of course, without the permission of the various copyright holders which I hear has got them into some trouble before.

Fortunately for them they have some mighty defenders.
posted by homunculus at 4:53 PM on October 23, 2012

NINE RINGS FOR DIPPING
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:55 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Nevermind, already mentioned
posted by RampantFerret at 5:15 PM on October 23, 2012

Bilbo's Pizza in Kalamazoo MI is awesome. The pizza is delicious, they brew their own beer on site. When I used to go to WMU, we would always eat there after fencing practice. Their original location was all done up like a hobbit hole, with wood benches and hand painted murals of dragons and ogres on the walls. Alas, the original location was shut down a few years ago( the complex it was in changed ownership), the current locations still have awesome pizza and beer, but are more family dining oriented.

Seriously. The best pizza ever. I reccomend the deep dish whole wheat crust and a side of dill sauce.
posted by RampantFerret at 5:24 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I see Peter Jackson has abandoned reason for madness.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 5:48 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

There used to be a Bilbo's in East Lansing, too. Murals, wood benches with knots visible, etc. We used to eat there, but so long ago I can't remember if the food was any good.
posted by not that girl at 6:55 PM on October 23, 2012

My boyfriend would like to point out his astonishment that no one has yet posted:

"Taking the Hobbits to Isengard"

as the proper euphemism for pooping.

You're welcome.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:43 PM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

after denny's my poops are more like the fires of mt doom

you're welcome
posted by en forme de poire at 10:24 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

does Gandalf "gobble' in the book? what does he gobble.

NSF anyone, anywhere, except playing loudly at a party because hahahahahaha
posted by FatherDagon at 11:00 PM on October 23, 2012

As a former Houstonian, I have to share my love for The Hobbit Cafe.
posted by Ranucci at 11:00 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

The Hobbit Sponsored By Denny's, or To The Toilet and Back Again
posted by tape_ at 10:56 AM on October 24, 2012

So, this differs from regular movie-tie-in toys because ... the food has movie-tie-in names, too?

Kabanos: IHOP's competing Dune-inspired menu ...
I hate how you always have to ask for water.

Thank god someone covered that one; I thought we were slipping.

Bless you, Kabanos.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:37 PM on October 24, 2012

Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies

Shouldn't they be brown?

Radagast The Brownies
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:38 PM on October 24, 2012 [3 favorites]