Every Year of the Twentieth Century, Lampooned by the Onion
October 25, 2012 4:32 PM Subscribe
The Onion's great for a witty skewering of current events. But its historical editions, as collected in the book Our Dumb Century, are a gem all their own, full of razor-sharp satire, trenchant social commentary, period-accurate advertisements, running gags, historical irony, photoshoppery, and even some editorial cartoons for every year of the twentieth century. Luckily for history (and humor) buffs, nearly the whole run of the series is available piecemeal on their website. Click inside for an organized timeline of links to all the front pages from this brilliant work (plus a bonus!).
1900-1929: A NATION TURNS ITS CRANK
1900-1929: A NATION TURNS ITS CRANK
1900: A NEW CENTURY DAWNS!1929-1946: DUST, DESPAIR, AND DEATH... THOSE WERE THE DAYSMcKinley Ushers in New 'Coal Age'1901: MCKINLEY ATTACKED BY WILD BOAR!
1902: CONGRESS REDUCES WORK-WEEK TO 135 HOURSCaptains of Industry Scarlet with Rage1903: ZULUS ATTACK LONDON!King Held at Spearpoint1903: SCIENCE CONQUERS SKY WITH WRIGHT BROS. FLYING MACHINEHeaven Expedition Slated for Next Year1904: SKELETON OF SATAN DISCOVERED!
1905: THE MACHINE:Will It Replace the China-Man?1906: EARTH-QUAKE MARKS LEAST GAY DAY IN SAN FRANCISCO HISTORYGarment District Still Flaming1907: PURE FOOD AND DRUG ACT WILL LIMIT HUMAN-THUMB LEVELS PERMITTED IN MEATS
1910: UNITED STATES LEADS WORLD IN INDUSTRYThaks, Orphans!' Grateful Americans Say1912: WORLD'S LARGEST METAPHOR HITS ICE-BERGDid Jazz Sink the Great Ship?1913: ARCHDUKE FRANZ FERDINAND OF AUSTRIA BOASTS:No Man Can Stop Me'1914: WAR DECLARED BY ALLOttoman Empire Almost Declares War on Itself1914: BRITISH CROQUET MALLETS PROVE USELESS AT FRONT
1915: 600,000 KILLED IN 4-INCH ADVANCE ON FRONTHeroic Soldiers Pay Ultimate Price to Make Patch of Mud Safe for Democracy1916: BRITISH NAVY CONDEMNS GERMAN U-BOATS AS 'NOT VERY SPORTING'
1918: CORPSE-EATING RATS NOW LARGEST MILITARY FORCE IN EUROPE
1919: GANGSTERS PASS 18TH AMENDMENT
1919: PRESIDENT WILSON CALLS FOR CREATION OF USELESS WORLD GOVERNING BODYEuropean Cartographers Commit Mass Suicide1920: WOMEN GET VOTE, REST ROOMS
1920: FIXED WORLD SERIES HERALDS FIRST-EVER MOMENT OF EXCITEMENT IN BASEBALL
1922: INDIA'S NATIONALIST LEADER PUMMELED SENSELESS BY PRACTITIONERS OF BRITISH 'VIOLENCE' MOVEMENT
1924: LENIN DEAD FROM MASSIVE 'STROKE OF THE PEOPLE'Glorious Lack of Oxygen Distributed Equally Through Brain1925: Scopes Monkey Trial Raises Troubling Question:IS SCIENCE BEING TAUGHT IN OUR SCHOOLS?1926: Man Ventures Outside Hatless
1927: Lindbergh Signs Unprecedented $300 'Endorsement' Contract
1927: BILLIONAIRES BUY U.S. FROM MILLIONAIRESFuture of Nation in Yet Wealthier Hands1929: STOCK MARKET INVINCIBLEBuy, Buy, Buy!' Experts Advise
1931: Al Capone's Reign of Tax-Evading Terror Finally Brought to End1946-1963: THE SWELL YEARSBanks to Close Early Today; Will Reopen in 19361932: APPLE SOLDShiny Nickel Put into Circulation1932: Cute Little Mouse Crushed to Death by Petting
1933: New President Assures NationThe Only Thing We Have to Fear is a Crippling, Decade-Long Depression'1933: 18th Amendment RepealedCould Alcohol Cure Nation's Depression?1933: President Confronts Depression with 'Big Deal' PlanBig Deal, I'm Rich!' Roosevelt Says1935: Bumper Crop of '35: Dust
1936: FDR Rummages Through Parents' House to 'See if There's Anything in There America Could Use'
1937: Art Critics Impressed by Saturation Bombing of Guernica
1937: AWESOME!Nation Wowed by Tremendous Hindenburg Explosion1937: German Jews Concerned about Hitler's 'Kill All Jews' ProposalCharitable Oil Baron Donates $1 Billion to His Sons1938: Chamberlain Returns from Meeting with HitlerPromising 'London Laid Waste in Our Time'1939: Enormous Radio Tower Placed Atop EarthWhy Does Our Joyless President Never Dance?1939: WA-(headline continued on page 2)1942: Ladies, Negroes Momentarily UsefulJapanese Heritage Nets Local Boy Fun Camping Trip1943: Triumph of the Will' Sweeps 1943 Cannes Film FestivalPure Magic,' Says French Jury1943: Loose Lip Sinks Ship
1944: War Rationing Board Restricts Nylon Use to Armed Forces, J. Edgar Hoover Only
1945: FDR, STALIN, CHURCHILL MEET FOR MUTTON LUNCHEON, NAP
1945: Japanese Zeroes Held Off by Boy with Dick Tracy Decoder Ring
1945: Nagasaki Bombed 'Just for the Hell of it'
1946: Surgeon General Warns Against Smoking Any Brand of Cigarette Other than Chesterfields1963-1981: PEACE, LOVE, AND OTHER BULLSHITA Risk to Your 'T-Zone'1947: Tele-Vision' Promises Mass Enrichment of MankindNew Device to Provide High-Minded Alternative to Mindless Drivel Found on Radio1948: Antlike Conformity Now Affordable
1948: War-Weary Jews Establish Homeland Between Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Egypt
1949: A-Bomb May Have Awakened Gigantic Radioactive Monsters, Experts Say
1949: GIANT POSTER OF MAO SEIZES POWER IN CHINABurma-Shave Copywriter Wins Pulitzer1951: I Hold in My Hand a List of 205 Liquor Stores'
1953: New Medical Report Finds Heavy Petting Linked to Communism
1953: Korean War Ends in Tearful 3-Hour Finale
1954: Caring Father Resolves Extremely Minor Domestic Conflict
1954: GUM IN OUR SCHOOLS!Officials Call for Tougher Gum-Control Laws1956: Ronald Reagan Bravely Turns In 78,432 Hollywood Leftists
1956: Supreme Court Upholds Mississippi Law Requiring Negro Voters to Be WhiteArea Beat Beaten1956: Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour
1957: Nation's Housewives Agree
1959: Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Bora Bora, Samoa, Philippines, Japan Granted U.S. StatehoodSpread of Democracy Will Keep Newly Acquired Territories Safe from Foreign Imperialism1960: JOHN F. KENNEDY'S DAD DEFEATS NIXONMillionaire Ex-Bootlegger's Life Ambition Realized as Son Captures Presidency1961: Eisenhower Warns of Military-Industrial-Oedipal ComplexNation Increasingly Jealous of Relationship Between Pentagon, Big Business1962: Allen Funt Lets President In On Hilarious 'Cuban Missile Crisis' PrankJFK a Good Sport, Says Host of TV's 'Candid Camera'1963: SINATRA WARNS RUSSKIES TO KNOCK IT OFFCalls Soviet Premier a 'World-Class Knucklehead'1963: KENNEDY SLAIN BY CIA, MAFIA, CASTRO, LBJ, TEAMSTERS, FREEMASONSPresident Shot 129 Times from 43 Different Angles
1964: Malcol X: 'I Also Have a Dream'1981-2000: A NATION FINDS ITS REMOTE
1965: ONE MILLION TEEN-AGE GIRLS STRICKEN IN BEATLENEMIA EPIDEMICScreaming, Pulling Own Hair Chief Symptoms of Disease1967: UC-BERKELEY STUDENTS PROTEST NOT BEING TOLD ABOUT LATEST PROTEST BY FRIENDSIsraeli Soldiers' Sabbath Delayed 35 Minutes by War with Egypt1967: NATIONAL GUARD MOBILIZED FOR INTEGRATION OF NEGRO INTO SUPREME COURT
1968: JOHNSON DEPLOYS 20,000 BODY BAGS TO VIETNAM
1969: U.S. TROOPS PULL OUT OF VIETNAMESE PEASANT GIRLNixon Vetoes Federal Love and Happiness Act1969: HOLY SHITMAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON1969: SHARON TATE, FOUR OTHERS SLAIN IN GRISLY 'PARTRIDGE FAMILY' MURDERS
1972: Puke Orange, Pea Green, Mustard Yellow Adopted as New National Colors
1973: Teens Hold Hilltop Summit to Discuss Purchast of Planetary Soft Drink
1974: FEDS GUN DOWN NIXON OUTSIDE ARIZONA MOTEL6-Day, 10-State Executive Killing Spree Comes to End; Agnew Still at Large1975: U.S. LOSES VIETNAM WARFord Urges All Americans to Salute Our Vietcong Rulers1976: Nation Mourns as President Ford's Pet Rock Dies
1976: NATIONAL MOOD RING GREENWe Are Sensitive Right Now, Say Ring Experts1977: President Calls for Calm Following Nipple Sighting on Farah Fawcett Poster
1977: ELVIS DEADIs Elvis Alive?1978: Anthropomorphic Juice Pitcher Among Dead in Jonestown Cult Suicide
1979: Carter Offers Ayatollah 'Helpful Energy-Saving Tips' in Exchange for Hostages
1980: "Let's Talk Better Mileage" vs. "Kill the Bastards"Which Message Will Resonate with Voters?1981: Reagan May Have Been Elected, Doesn't RecallReagan Promises Less Bureaucratic Shadow Government
1981: Texas Instruments Continues Domination of Personal-Computing FieldBONUS: A full-length edition of the Onion from the year 2056.
1983: Nancy Reagan Ends Nation's Drug Problem with Very Special "Diff'rent Strokes" Appearance
1984: Congress Approves Orbiting Homeless Incinerator
1985: VICTORY!U.S. Wins Vietnam War at Last1986: Schoolteacher, Kitten, Three Dozen Orphans to Fly on Challenger TomorrowReturning Cola War Veterans Treated to Madison Avenue Ticker-Tape Parade1987: Judge Wapner Hears Oliver North TestimonyEmbattled Colonel Testifies Before "People's Court"1987: Reagan Proclaims 'Late Afternoon in America,' Takes Nap
1988: Surrogate Test-Tube Baboon-Hearted Baby Trapped in Well
1989: Bush Decries Exxon Valdez Spillage of 'Precious, Precious Oil'
1991: CNN Deploys Troops to Iraq
1991: Soviets Vote to Collapse; Threat of Nuclear War OverBombs Now Safely In Hands of Countless Tiny, Warring Factions1992: L.A. Rioters Demand Justice, Tape DecksDeath of 500,000 Somalis Momentarily Distracts Nation From Dream Team Excitement1993: Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address Nation On Rush Limbaugh Radio ShowComedians Struggling To Find Angle In Bobbitt Case1994: Republican Revolution of '94:Everything's Different Now1995: Al Gore Caught In Love Trust With Endangered Tree OwlNation's Whites Eagerly Await Windows 95 Launch1995: O.J. Finds KillerHead Deadhead Dead1996: Oprah Secedes From U.S., Forms Independent Nation of Cheesecake-Eating Housewives"Ugogirl is a nurturing, supportive republic with attitude and sass"1997: Federal Seat Of Power Moves To Mall Of AmericaCorruption At Highest Level of U.S. Government Bores American Public1997: 50 Percent of U.S. Population Now Immobile
1997: Clinton, Paula Jones Square Off On 'Jerry Springer'Seven Percent of World's Resources Still Unconsumed
Great post! I remember getting this when it came out, when The Onion was just breaking big. And it's not just funny as hell, it's impressive how they mimicked the writing style, layout, fonts, etc, of the different decades. A lot of good work went into this book. Subsequent Onion books...not so much.
posted by zardoz at 4:54 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by zardoz at 4:54 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
The editors of the Onion did an AMA on reddit today.
Great post!
posted by triggerfinger at 4:58 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Great post!
posted by triggerfinger at 4:58 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yup, I am a proud owner of the book, Our Dumb Century, and it is indeed very, very funny stuff.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:01 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:01 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
As a history geek I basically memorized this book.
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
cause it's not just funny, it's EXHAUSTIVELY RESEARCHED FUNNY.
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [14 favorites]
When Neil Armstrong passed away, all I could think of was MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:15 PM on October 25, 2012 [17 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:15 PM on October 25, 2012 [17 favorites]
The Onion proves that even the Holocaust can be funny.
posted by John Cohen at 5:17 PM on October 25, 2012
posted by John Cohen at 5:17 PM on October 25, 2012
I feel like this and Dave Barry Slept Here make for a more or less perfect reason to study American history: to get the jokes.
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:20 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 5:20 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
Cause it's not just the content, it's how the content is delivered, the moralizing screeds of each decade are so specific and tied to their era right down to the particular syntax of newspapers from each period, it's one of the finest comedy novels to ever exist, ever.
posted by The Whelk at 5:23 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 5:23 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
This book is, without doubt, the greatest bathroom reading in the history of our species.
posted by COBRA! at 5:26 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by COBRA! at 5:26 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
SINATRA WARNS RUSSKIES TO KNOCK IT OFF
"Drop this Commie bunk or it's ring-a-ding-ding for you bozos!" For some reason that still makes me giggle years later.
posted by gimonca at 5:28 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
"Drop this Commie bunk or it's ring-a-ding-ding for you bozos!" For some reason that still makes me giggle years later.
posted by gimonca at 5:28 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
Not included-- their perfect headline for Pearl Harbor... "Dastardly Japs Attack Colonially Occupied U.S. Non-State"
Funny cos it's true
posted by jcruelty at 5:28 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
Funny cos it's true
posted by jcruelty at 5:28 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
My all-time favorite Onion headline is "War on Drugs Over; Drugs Win."
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:29 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:29 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
"Ladies,Negroes Momentarily Useful" is the funniest not funny four words ever.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:31 PM on October 25, 2012
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:31 PM on October 25, 2012
A fantastic book. "Man Walks on Fucking Moon" is the pinnacle. Just brilliant.
posted by Bookhouse at 5:33 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Bookhouse at 5:33 PM on October 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
"BELGRADE–Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy."
posted by ovvl at 5:35 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by ovvl at 5:35 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Cause it's not just the content, it's how the content is delivered, the moralizing screeds of each decade are so specific and tied to their era right down to the particular syntax of newspapers from each period, it's one of the finest comedy novels to ever exist, ever.
And the twentieth is not the only century whose characteristic prose style they can nail:
"We should Choose, To travel to the MOON, Not because it is Easy, but because I am Drunk, and I say it will not be that Hard," exclaim'd the tottering Adams, speaking from the White House, a Disreputable TAVERN on the South Side of Philadelphia, upon the Roof of which Adams had seen fit to be in his cups Esconced, and without his Pantaloons withall.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
And the twentieth is not the only century whose characteristic prose style they can nail:
"We should Choose, To travel to the MOON, Not because it is Easy, but because I am Drunk, and I say it will not be that Hard," exclaim'd the tottering Adams, speaking from the White House, a Disreputable TAVERN on the South Side of Philadelphia, upon the Roof of which Adams had seen fit to be in his cups Esconced, and without his Pantaloons withall.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
The week of Nixon escaping and going on the run after Watergate are three of my favorite pages ever.
...and its time for me to perform my yearly exercise of "Which shelf is Our Dumb Century on again?"
Also this is probably the thread I will run into the favorites cap on.
posted by thecaddy at 5:40 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
...and its time for me to perform my yearly exercise of "Which shelf is Our Dumb Century on again?"
Also this is probably the thread I will run into the favorites cap on.
posted by thecaddy at 5:40 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
One of my favorites. I certainly felt bad for poor Lady Liberty.
posted by michaelh at 5:42 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by michaelh at 5:42 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Another great thing about these Onion links (as well as the funny) is you don't have to hit 'Esc' before the page fully loads.
posted by Flashman at 5:44 PM on October 25, 2012
posted by Flashman at 5:44 PM on October 25, 2012
The editors of the Onion did an AMA on reddit today.
When I shot over there, every newest message (of the top 5) were Redditors trying to convince them they were hireable for (some "funny" reason).
I've never been so glad to be not-twenty-something.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:58 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
When I shot over there, every newest message (of the top 5) were Redditors trying to convince them they were hireable for (some "funny" reason).
I've never been so glad to be not-twenty-something.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:58 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I accidentally learned so much about history from that book.
posted by Turkey Glue at 5:58 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Turkey Glue at 5:58 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
1953: Korean War Ends in Tearful 3-Hour Finale
we've all got our idiosyncratic faves. this is mine. To confuse the awful, awful, awful finale of MASH (the TV show) with the war itself, to suggest that the TV show in all its early promise but final abysmal sentimentality and sloppy drama was the war itself (because, of course, for most TV watchers, it was far more real than the war) -- there's a word for that. Starts with "g".
posted by philip-random at 6:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
we've all got our idiosyncratic faves. this is mine. To confuse the awful, awful, awful finale of MASH (the TV show) with the war itself, to suggest that the TV show in all its early promise but final abysmal sentimentality and sloppy drama was the war itself (because, of course, for most TV watchers, it was far more real than the war) -- there's a word for that. Starts with "g".
posted by philip-random at 6:05 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
My favorite of all of this, which I believe came from the online version's "first edition" issue a few years back, set around the time of the American Revolution, was a real ad for Jamesons, done in the style of the time, proclaiming the whiskey to be "from loathe-ful Ireland."
posted by Navelgazer at 6:12 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Navelgazer at 6:12 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
I can't get to it right now, but I've got a list left over of the missing pages (and a copy of the book) and can share some of the better headlines not in the post later on tonight.
(Also: "Love Trust"? I should have spel chekt betur.)
posted by Rhaomi at 6:37 PM on October 25, 2012
(Also: "Love Trust"? I should have spel chekt betur.)
posted by Rhaomi at 6:37 PM on October 25, 2012
It's possible that I thought "WA- (headline continued on page 2)" was so funny that I tried to sneak the same joke past my editors a couple of times when I worked at a newspaper.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:51 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:51 PM on October 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
I was just going to mention that one, Eyebrows. So I'll tip my cap to the Titanic headline instead.
One of the funniest books I have ever read. It's so densely packed with jokes that I kept finding more on each subsequent read. And yes, the typography and design is so good. Just break down and buy it!
posted by pmurray63 at 7:07 PM on October 25, 2012
One of the funniest books I have ever read. It's so densely packed with jokes that I kept finding more on each subsequent read. And yes, the typography and design is so good. Just break down and buy it!
posted by pmurray63 at 7:07 PM on October 25, 2012
I have that book too! It's damn near the funniest thing I've read. Great post!
posted by JHarris at 7:09 PM on October 25, 2012
posted by JHarris at 7:09 PM on October 25, 2012
Didn't see it in the pages above, and my copy is buried somewhere out in my storage shed, but one of my favorites was something like "Marijuana usage up 30% amongst Louis Armstrong."
posted by hwyengr at 7:13 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by hwyengr at 7:13 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I never get tired of this book. Just browsing the links here without even following them has me laughing aloud. Serious genius.
posted by theatro at 7:18 PM on October 25, 2012
posted by theatro at 7:18 PM on October 25, 2012
I've read WA- and HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON probably a hundred times each, and both still make me laugh out loud every single time.
Those are hands-down the two funniest thing humans have ever produced.
Thanks for a truly fantastic post, Rhaomi!
posted by graphnerd at 7:19 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Those are hands-down the two funniest thing humans have ever produced.
Thanks for a truly fantastic post, Rhaomi!
posted by graphnerd at 7:19 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
This should be the primary textbook for high school American History.
posted by kozad at 7:43 PM on October 25, 2012
posted by kozad at 7:43 PM on October 25, 2012
The Onion proves that even the Holocaust can be funny.
Not what I'd expect to read from a man named Cohen.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:44 PM on October 25, 2012
Not what I'd expect to read from a man named Cohen.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:44 PM on October 25, 2012
Japan Forms Alliance With White Supremacists in Well-Thought-Out Scheme
posted by homunculus at 7:54 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by homunculus at 7:54 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Now this, kids, is what you can do with your history degree. And some whisky.
posted by heurtebise at 8:00 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by heurtebise at 8:00 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best story not linked here: Whites Invent "Rock and Roll" -- New Caucasian-Based Teen Craze Sweeps Nation -- Authorities Assure Public that Negroes Had Nothing to Do With Popular Music Form
posted by Rangeboy at 8:00 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Rangeboy at 8:00 PM on October 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
My favorite article tease is in the 1929 edition: "Astoria, Queens Couple's La Salle Runs Great"
I also love that the Onion's editorial cartoons by Kelly continue the tradition of weeping Lady Liberty.
posted by Spatch at 8:04 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I also love that the Onion's editorial cartoons by Kelly continue the tradition of weeping Lady Liberty.
posted by Spatch at 8:04 PM on October 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
1980: "Let's Talk Better Mileage" vs. "Kill the Bastards"
Pretty much the story of American politics for the last four decades.
posted by stargell at 8:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Pretty much the story of American politics for the last four decades.
posted by stargell at 8:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Greatest Hits from the missing pages:
1908: New 'Literate' Vote Turns Out For Taftposted by Rhaomi at 10:27 PM on October 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
1917: U.S. ENTERS WARWilson Vows To 'Make World Safe For Corporate Oligarchy'1917: PRENTENTIOUS, GOATEED COFFEEHOUSE TYPES SEIZE POWER IN RUSSIA'Over There' Replaces 'Alexander's Ragtime Band' as Nation's Only Song1918: WAR OVER AS FRANZ FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE'How Fares Europe?' Asks Presumed-Dead Archduke1923: Irving Berlin Publishes 1,000th Annoying, Clamorous DittyReaches Milestone with 'Don't Wail For Me, Pansybelle'1923: Listerine Company Invents, Cures Halitosis
1926: Einstein Proposes Theory of 'Sell-a-Tivity'
1928: HEELS KICKED UP ACROSS NATIONPresident Calls For Calm1928: CLARA BOW TO APPEAR SLEEVELESS IN OCTOBER COLLIER'S'Besleeve Yourself, Strumpet!' Clergy Urge[From the issue one week after the Oct. 22nd, 1929 "Stock Market Invincible!" edition:]
1929: PENCILS FOR SALEStock Market Crashes; Debacles Linked to Jews, Negroes, Catholics, Anarchists, Foreigners, Women Voters1932: CRUST OF BREAD FOUNDWall Street Fat Cats Blameless, Say Financial ExpertsHoover's 'Are You Better Off Now Than You Were Four Years Ago?' Campaign Fails to Gain Momentum1934: THE '34 RAGS ARE IN!
1938: THOUSANDS DEAD AFTER RADIO'S CHARLIE MCCARTHY CALLS FOR MASS SUICIDE
1939: Hitler Neutralizes Polish MenaceJapan Forms Alliance with White Supremacists in Well-Thought-Out Scheme1941: DASTARDLY JAPS ATTACK COLONIALLY OCCUPIED U.S. NON-STATEFDR: 'We Conquered the Hawaiians First'1945: WAR OVER! 50 YEARS OF NUCLEAR PARANOIA BEGIN TODAYFrench SurrenderReturning GIs Vow to Spawn Whiniest Generation Ever1946: Family Unit Gazes Happily Into Glorious, Shining FutureU.S. Army Finds Last Place on Earth Untouched by War, Blows it to Hell1950: Mickey Spillane Treats Wise Guy to a Little Chin Music
1952: Boy-Girl Malt-Sharing at All-Time HighFlint, Michigan, Enters Golden Age of Unending Prosperity1953: Pentagon Develops A-Bomb-Resistant Desk
1955: Rosa Parks to Take Cab
1955: Whites Invent 'Rock and Roll'New Caucasian-Based Craze Sweeps America1957: EVERYTHING'S NIFTYSwellness in America at All-Time High; All Americans Pleased as Punch1957: BLEEPING TWO-FOOT TIN BALL THREATENS FREE WORLDPresident Promises to 'Put a Tiny Metal Thing in Orbit' by 19601961: OUTER SPACE FALLS TO COMMUNISTSAlarmed Legislators Slash Education Budget to Fund Space Race1963: Martin Luther King: 'I Had a Really Weird Dream Last Night'
1966: DEMOCRACY FLOWERS AROUND GLOBE AFTER BOMBING OF VIETNAMESE VILLAGEFemale Orgasm Discovered1967: NATION'S NEGROES MARCH ON HANOI
1968: Hippies, NASA Race for Moon
1969: APOLLO 13 ASTRONAUTS DROWN AS TED KENNEDY FLEES SPLASHDOWN SITE
1974: U.S SEVERS TIES WITH SYMBIONIA FOLLOWING PATTY HEARST KIDNAPPING
1974: NIXON ARRESTED IN CONNECTION WITH WATERGATE BREAK-IN
1974: NIXON ESCAPESPresident Kills Two, Wounds Six in Stunning Jailbreak[Followed by the "Feds Gun Down Nixon" issue]
1976: Carter 'Streaks' to Victory
1981: Secret Pac-Man Patterns Fall Into Russian Hands
1982: Grenada-Falklands Superpower Alliance Mobilizes for WarGrenada Rumored to Have More Than 12 Guns1982: Congress Allocates $300 Billion to Nation's RichNation's Asylums Privatized; Millions of Lunatics Set Free to Fend for Selves1984: Famine-Wracked Ethiopia Makes Desperate Plea to U2Union Carbide Announces Plans to Downsize Bhopal, India1985: Nancy Reagan, Imelda Marcos Meet for Historic Footwear Summit
1988: Tyson Escapes From RingFeral Heavyweight Breaks Free of Handlers, Rampages Through Las Vegas1990: Berlin Wall Destroyed in Doritos-Sponsored Super Bowl Halftime Spectacular
1990: Bottom 10 Percent of Last Year's Graduating Class Ready to Take On SaddamIowa Family Blasted for Lack of Diversity1993: New President Feels Nation's Pain, BreastsL.A. Gang's 'Increase the Peace' Movement Least Successful Movement Ever1998: Drugs Win Drug WarWealthiest One Percent Complete Construction of Private Escape Pod2000: Christian Right Ascend To HeavenAll Corporations Merge into OmniCorp
Japan Forms Alliance with White Supremacists in Well-Thought-Out Scheme
I laughed out loud when I read that, but also immediately imagined an alternate universe in which the readers of die Zwiebel's fake history book and laughing at the "Soviets Form Alliance with Capitalists in Well-Thought-Out-Scheme" headline.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
I laughed out loud when I read that, but also immediately imagined an alternate universe in which the readers of die Zwiebel's fake history book and laughing at the "Soviets Form Alliance with Capitalists in Well-Thought-Out-Scheme" headline.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:38 PM on October 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
I bought that book on the first day it was available. I asked the clerk in the bookstore if he'd read it yet, and how it was. "Cripplingly funny," was his response, and I still think it's the best description of it.
posted by Dr. Wu at 6:33 AM on October 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Dr. Wu at 6:33 AM on October 26, 2012 [2 favorites]
With the possible exception of the AV Club's Tenacity of the Cockroach, this is still the best Onion book. Every page contains several laugh-out-loud moments, and since they're presented as reduced newspaper pages the print is small, which allows them to fit more stories into each page. My favorite story is the death notice of a college student named Peter Parker, who died of cancer that seemed to have the proportionate strength and agility of a spider.
posted by JHarris at 7:04 AM on October 26, 2012
posted by JHarris at 7:04 AM on October 26, 2012
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Boasts: No Man Can Stop Me!
posted by COBRA! at 7:06 AM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by COBRA! at 7:06 AM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Most useful post in the history of posts everywhere.
posted by entropos at 7:51 AM on October 26, 2012
posted by entropos at 7:51 AM on October 26, 2012
MCMikeNamara: "Ladies,Negroes Momentarily Useful" is the funniest not funny four words ever.Maybe, but 1939's headline is the funniest two letters ever.
(Quibblers: don't start. I know.)
posted by IAmBroom at 8:07 AM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh, Our Dumb Century. For my money, perhaps The Onion's finest work, done during its finest era. I think then, more than now, they were amazing at mining humor from the specifics of the newspaper format, which was always my favorite stuff. It's not punch lines that originally made me love them so much, it's gogglingly great manipulation of format and voice -- like the Sinatra "Russkies" stuff mentioned earlier. They still write funny stuff, but less of it is format humor, and BOY do I love format humor. (Bracket humor in particular. Jokes involving brackets are the absolute best jokes.)
With the possible exception of the AV Club's Tenacity of the Cockroach
Thank you for this, because seriously.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 8:10 AM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
With the possible exception of the AV Club's Tenacity of the Cockroach
Thank you for this, because seriously.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 8:10 AM on October 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
We loved Our Dumb Century so much I copied some of the advertisements and made them into fridge magnets. We've got "Fisticuffs!" "Female Orgasm Discovered," and the one about the Canadian quintuplets ("see them moan and cry just like real children - exhibited in sterile glass cages!")
posted by werkzeuger at 8:17 AM on October 26, 2012
posted by werkzeuger at 8:17 AM on October 26, 2012
I still need to get a copy of this - the headline that has stuck with me was on the cover (I think), and went something like "President Eisenhower orders Marlon Brando to gain 50 pounds."
posted by usonian at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2012
posted by usonian at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2012
'Besleeve Yourself, Strumpet!'
I cannot wait to drop this into casual conversation as often as possible.
posted by elizardbits at 8:57 AM on October 26, 2012
I cannot wait to drop this into casual conversation as often as possible.
posted by elizardbits at 8:57 AM on October 26, 2012
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posted by Rhaomi at 4:33 PM on October 25, 2012 [3 favorites]