Skip

Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends
November 13, 2012 2:23 AM   Subscribe

Don't like gay marriage? Fine. Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends. [SLCollegeHumorP]
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish (182 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite

 
"SLCollegeHumorP" demi-acronym shamelessly stolen from The Whelk (via)
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 2:27 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


They had me at the "threesomes they like"...

/bunk
posted by ZeroAmbition at 3:22 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


The homemade hummus is where I signed on with the program. Hummus is the most annoying thing I've ever made. Quiche is a toddler's home ec project in comparison.
posted by winna at 3:50 AM on November 13, 2012


Is there a waiting list?
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:08 AM on November 13, 2012


Hummus is the most annoying thing I've ever made. Quiche is a toddler's home ec project in comparison.

Hummus has like 3 ingredients. That peanut butter stuff it's too early in the morning for me to remember the name of, chickpeas and $OPTIONALFLAVORINGITEM.
posted by DU at 4:08 AM on November 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


Peanut butter in hummus?!? No wonder the Arab world is mad at the West.
posted by vasi at 4:15 AM on November 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


I think he means tahini.
posted by surenoproblem at 4:16 AM on November 13, 2012 [17 favorites]


Next time you make hummus try adding a bit of balsamic, a la King Harvest Hummus in Portland. Seriously the best hummus I have ever had.
posted by Corduroy at 4:17 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Also, "urban tango."
posted by Corduroy at 4:20 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


I too am having trouble grasping hummus being difficult to make. Chickpeas, olive oil, garlic, tahini, and peanut butter and there you go.

On a totally different derail my phone autocorrects tahini to Tajikistan.
posted by item at 4:25 AM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


I absolutely love it. Too much of it is/was true.

Except no, I ain't going to marry your girlfriend. Let someone else do that, honey. Now come here, I got something to show you...
posted by Goofyy at 4:27 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hummus has like 3 ingredients.

And none of them are peanut butter so just stop.

Garbanzos, tahini, olive oil, and lemon juice. Water to adjust the consistency. Other ingredients such as garlic as one sees fit. No peanut butter.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:29 AM on November 13, 2012 [29 favorites]


It is funny how some/many objectively unattractive hetero males instantly assume that if they're near a gay guy HE WILL BUTT-RAPE ME ZOMG.

Yeah, ain't gonna happen Cassanova.
posted by bardic at 4:30 AM on November 13, 2012 [17 favorites]


And quiche is basically you made me a frickin pie for breakfast so yes sir I will.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:30 AM on November 13, 2012 [8 favorites]


He said "peanut butter stuff," as in making a comparison. Peanuts : Peanut Butter :: Sesame Seeds : Tahini
posted by bardic at 4:31 AM on November 13, 2012 [25 favorites]


Yes, lemon is a vital ingredient. Can I just say that I love how this has turned into a hummus conversation?
posted by percor at 4:36 AM on November 13, 2012 [15 favorites]


It is funny how some/many objectively unattractive hetero males instantly assume that if they're near a gay guy HE WILL BUTT-RAPE ME ZOMG.

Yeah, ain't gonna happen Cassanova.


It's actually kind of amazing how many men there are who are not physically attractive and to whom that fact would never occur.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:38 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


It is funny how some/many objectively unattractive hetero males instantly assume that if they're near a gay guy HE WILL BUTT-RAPE ME ZOMG.


This is pretty much the summary of my feelings when some dude gets all "ew teh gayz" near me.



WHAT YOU MEAN A MAN YOU ARE NOT LE HOT FOR BECAUSE YOU ARE SO HETEROSEXUAL MIGHT EXPRESS PANTSFEELINGS FOR YOU AND MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE OH NO THAT MUST BE TERRIBLE i can't imagine oh wait
posted by louche mustachio at 4:39 AM on November 13, 2012 [24 favorites]


Also I forgot to mention cumin.



I MEAN IN YOUR HUMMUS


one 'm'


in the cumin
posted by louche mustachio at 4:41 AM on November 13, 2012 [41 favorites]


Gay men will marry your girlfriends

Yeah guys? While you're doing that, your boyfriend is offering to suck my dick.

TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:50 AM on November 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


This comment is not about hummus:

Funny stuff! Thanks for the post!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:53 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


My girlfriend sounded a little too pleased by this idea, and I'm not hetero or a guy. Apparently I need to get on this hummus thing.
posted by gracedissolved at 4:54 AM on November 13, 2012 [34 favorites]


I'm in. It was completely solidified by "Do you even know the difference between hummus and baba ganoush?!"
posted by Yellow at 4:58 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


I like my hummus chunky, and I don't even know if that was a double entendre or not.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:02 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Heh. My first love was gay, and honestly, he was an awesome boyfriend in every respect but the one. And since then, for the sake of that one thing, with every foray into amore I've had to settle for a guy who wouldn't willingly set foot in a shopping mall, barely noticed what I was wearing, had far less interest in the details of my day, and couldn't or wouldn't dance. It was still worth it.

I might be willing to put a ring on it for a ripped gay guy if I could get me some of those threesomes, though.
posted by orange swan at 5:12 AM on November 13, 2012 [21 favorites]


Geez. I make hummus about once every other week. Roasted garlic, for me. It takes like 15 minutes of my life.

Video was hilarious as hell. I have so many people I want to share it with who would probably love the humor but be offended at the idea. I'm having a brain-lock trying to decide if I should forward the link.

And a huge "WTF?" to CH for requiring you join or use a Facebook login just to read the frakkin' comments.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:18 AM on November 13, 2012


If you are having trouble making hummus, you are doing it wrong. It is seriously the easiest thing. Are you, like, using dried chickpeas and mashing them by hand or something?

Also, the three most important ingredients are chickpeas, lemon and garlic. Everything else is fancy.
posted by windykites at 5:43 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


College Humor pretty much always leaves me "meh" (it's humor, but it's colleg-y), so, whatever. In this case, though, it turned a joke about gay men into an awesome discussion of hummus tips! That is worth kudos, oh, OP, so kudos!

PS. I find using a food processor gets more air into the mixture than a blender (stick or otherwise), so you get a lighter concoction that does not look so much like mud for home improvement.

Also, Metafilter: Everything else is fancy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:47 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Are you, like, using dried chickpeas and mashing them by hand or something?

This is also very easy.

1) Put beans into pot.
2) Put water into pot. Amount doesn't matter, as long as it's too much.
3) Go to work.
4) And end of day, drain water. You now have homemade "canned" chickpeas.

(You can do it in even less time with a crockpot.)
posted by DU at 5:48 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Infinite Jest: "Yeah guys? While you're doing that, your boyfriend is offering to suck my dick."

To be fair, the gays aren't the only ones who are bad at this kind of math.
posted by schmod at 5:49 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


this is also easy

If I tried your method I would probably start a fire.

Also, if the soft chickpeas aren't available right when I feel inspired to use them, I'll leave them soaking/ soaked "until later" for, like, 6 days, because it's "only been a little while" (my sense of time is crummy). Eeeeew.
posted by windykites at 5:53 AM on November 13, 2012


I'm in. It was completely solidified by "Do you even know the difference between hummus and baba ganoush?!"

But what about tabbouleh?
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:55 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


seriously, if you can make a frozen drink, you can make hummus. it's not rocket surgery.
posted by nevercalm at 5:56 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Need: food processor. !-2 cloves garlic, pulsed. Add: 1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed, 1/3 cup tahini, 4 Tbs olive oil, 2 Tbs lemon juice, 2 Tbs water, then to taste: cumin, coriander, salt, pepper, blend in processor for a minute or two, adjust water, tahini, or oil to reach the creaminess/pastiness desired. Seriously, it's the easiest thing ever, and yet people will fall over with praise.
posted by Trace McJoy at 6:00 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


Wait, are we saying the result of gay threesomes is hummus?
posted by eriko at 6:03 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


But it's a pain in the butt to haul the food processor down from above the sink, clean it in your tiny sink piece by piece once finished, and then put it back in storage. Making the hummus is the easy part.

In fact, I would probably rather simmer the chickpeas in a pot and mash them by hand. Stir in some oil, let it cool, stir in tahini, put it in the fridge overnight. That probably works great. Why have I never tried that.
posted by postcommunism at 6:11 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


You don't need a food processor. You can use a blender. Or, if you like it chunky, a potato masher.

(Note: I've made it in a blender but never with a potato masher. But I have made refried beans with a potato masher and they are delish that way.)
posted by DU at 6:15 AM on November 13, 2012


In fact, I would probably rather simmer the chickpeas in a pot and mash them by hand. Stir in some oil, let it cool, stir in tahini, put it in the fridge overnight. That probably works great. Why have I never tried that.

I've made boatloads of hummus. (Literal, actual boatloads. I seem to always overdo it.) But I've never tried that. It actually sounds great, and I'll try it next.
posted by nevercalm at 6:18 AM on November 13, 2012


I can never decide whether to use chickpeas or garbanzo beans.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:23 AM on November 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


It actually sounds great, and I'll try it next.

Disclaimer: I've never tried it, and it might actually make some kind of weird chickpea gruel that's half water, half clumps. In that event, I apologize.
posted by postcommunism at 6:26 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can never decide whether to use chickpeas or garbanzo beans.

I use half chickpea and half garbanzo. Sometimes I'll throw in some cici beans for variety.
posted by Floydd at 6:33 AM on November 13, 2012 [13 favorites]


Disclaimer: I've never tried it, and it might actually make some kind of weird chickpea gruel that's half water, half clumps. In that event, I apologize.

DU mentioned refried beans, I'd sort of work it more in that vein, I think. But I'd make it work. I appreciate the disclaimer, but it's not necessary. I don't hunt anyone down for hummus emergencies.......anymore.
posted by nevercalm at 6:35 AM on November 13, 2012


The correct way to mash the chickpeas is actually to have a barechested Adonis crush them against his rippling abs.
posted by elizardbits at 6:38 AM on November 13, 2012 [40 favorites]


Oddly enough, my hummus keeps turning out as peanut butter.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:51 AM on November 13, 2012


Wait, are we saying the result of gay threesomes is hummus?


Whoa I think I'm gonna need that cookbook.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:52 AM on November 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


The correct way to mash the chickpeas is actually to have a barechested Adonis crush them against his rippling abs.

Plus, this way you can claim that you have coated said Adonis with olive oil (and a little lemon juice) "to save cleaning an extra pot." If you say it often enough, someone, somewhere might believe you.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:52 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Honey, on your way home from work, would you mind picking up a sexxy man? We're almost out of hummus."
posted by louche mustachio at 6:54 AM on November 13, 2012 [12 favorites]


Don't the women get any say in it?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 6:55 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yes. We say we want the hummus.
posted by elizardbits at 7:01 AM on November 13, 2012 [39 favorites]


I just remembered that my Mom always thought that garbanzo beans looked like little butts and that seemed germaine to this conversation.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:07 AM on November 13, 2012 [12 favorites]


The easy way to make hummus is in a Vitamix.

And the other essential ingredient is roasted red peppers.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:10 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can never decide whether to use chickpeas or garbanzo beans.

I use half chickpea and half garbanzo...


Wait. There's a difference between chick peas and garbanzo beans?! I thought they were just different regional names for the same thing...?
posted by Mchelly at 7:12 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also, Marcus Tullius Cicero gets the name by which he is known from the Latin for Chickpea, apparently after a notable wart on his grandfather's face. But now we may be able to guess that the real reason was red-hot Republican Rome hummus-making. Possibly with some of that fermented fish sauce everyone keeps going on about. They liked 'em rank in those days.

Actually, I suspect there is an Aaron Travis novel with this theme....
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:12 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


I use half chickpea and half garbanzo. Sometimes I'll throw in some cici beans for variety.

The Indian fusion version is great as well, you just substitute Chana for 27.12% of the chickpeas.
posted by titus-g at 7:24 AM on November 13, 2012 [16 favorites]


Has anyone ever used Bengal grams? I'm always afraid it'll ruin the flavor.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:28 AM on November 13, 2012


I have an Alton Brown recipe for hummus that actually calls for peanut butter instead of tahini. Haven't tried it. Probably won't.
posted by ook at 7:28 AM on November 13, 2012


I thought they were just different regional names for the same thing...?

Nope. Completely different in all respects. The garbanzo bean is in the Egyptian pea family, whilst the chickpea is related to the cici (or ceci) bean.
They just put chickpeas and garbanzos in the same can for convenience.
posted by Floydd at 7:30 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Nope. Completely different in all respects. The garbanzo bean is in the Egyptian pea family, whilst the chickpea is related to the cici (or ceci) bean.
They just put chickpeas and garbanzos in the same can for convenience.


Dude I'm pretty sure you're wrong on that one.
posted by Aizkolari at 7:36 AM on November 13, 2012


Garbanzos are a kind of chick pea, as are cici.

Edit: or aparently according to the Wiki above, they aren't even that!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:38 AM on November 13, 2012


Huh. MetaFilter's a little slow to load this morning....
posted by Floydd at 7:40 AM on November 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


If they served more rocket with the hummus and quiche, I may consider.

Coincidentally, the only thing my husband has ever made me was burnt scrambled eggs.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 7:41 AM on November 13, 2012


So, back to my question, call me a (garbanzo) bean plater, but I'm aparently the only one that finds using threatening language when discussing a woman's choices to be a wrong approach?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:45 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Is the ability to make hummus the new pissing contest? A lot of people some to be upset that someone might think they can't make hummus. For real guys, it's okay if you can or you can't. I'll make the hummus, I really don't mind.

See what I did there? I can totally make hummus. Ladies, take note.
posted by Et3rnalCynic at 7:51 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Alternatives to chickpeas include:
Black beans
White Beans
Fava beans
Kidney beans
Lentils
Edamame
Almonds
Roasted beets
Raw zucchini
And, yes, peanuts

Note that there is some controversy over whether the results of such substitutions or combinations thereof should be named "hummus" or garden variety "dip." The moment you substitute eggplant, it becomes baba ganoush.
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 7:51 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Forget the hummus, that is exactly the threesome I have been campaigning for since I saw Velvet Goldmine!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:53 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, if I may ask, does anyone really eat hummus as a side for quiche? I thought that was strange.
posted by Et3rnalCynic at 7:53 AM on November 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


Yeah, I wouldn't want hummus with my quiche. I guess the joke is that it's an emasculating food? Maybe they should have used yogurt instead.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:55 AM on November 13, 2012


Alternatives to garlic include SHUT YOUR FACE
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 7:55 AM on November 13, 2012 [31 favorites]


Can't comment on hummus, but to respond to 10th Regiment of Foot, I saw the threatening language as being towards the boyfriends, not the girlfriends. The implication was that they would be clearly the better choice of husband and the ladies would naturally choose them.

I didn't see any hint that they wouldn't have choice in the matter.
posted by YAMWAK at 8:01 AM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


Also, if I may ask, does anyone really eat hummus as a side for quiche? I thought that was strange.

Yeah, me too. Two great tastes that would be strange together.
posted by kenko at 8:03 AM on November 13, 2012


So, back to my question, call me a (garbanzo) bean plater, but I'm aparently the only one that finds using threatening language when discussing a woman's choices to be a wrong approach?

I wasn't aware that the choice whether to allow gay marriage was a woman's.
posted by kenko at 8:05 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yeah, the joke is that the gay man will marry your girlfriends because they are clearly superior husbands, not because WE WILL TAKE THEM FROM YOU BY FORCE
posted by louche mustachio at 8:11 AM on November 13, 2012 [18 favorites]


I arrived at work and opened the fridge to get some juice and the fridge is just FULL OF HUMMUS and now I am laughing really obnoxiously all alone in my office.

i forgot to get juice
posted by elizardbits at 8:11 AM on November 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


I saw the threatening language as being towards the boyfriends, not the girlfriends. The implication was that they would be clearly the better choice of husband and the ladies would naturally choose them.

I also got a little twitchy in parts. Any time someone uses phrases like "I will play her like an upright bass!*" the hair stands up on the back of my neck and my expression grows cross. I don't appreciate objectification, even when it's a "joke" and I don't care what the sexual orientation of the person making the comment. I feel it's a little sensitive of me, but oh well. There it is.

(*Note - I don't remember the actual line, I'm at work now and can't rewatch the video, but you get the idea.)
posted by Et3rnalCynic at 8:11 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


I came into this discussion with the assumption that it would be full of people complaining about the stereotyping of gay men in the video, and a tiny bit about the idea that straight men can't care about fashion/tango dancing/etc. Ooh, how wrong I was.
posted by Evernix at 8:13 AM on November 13, 2012 [25 favorites]


Any time someone uses phrases like "I will play her like an upright bass!*"

This phrase does not seem very much like sexualized objectification to me, but then again no one has ever rubbed catgut across my throat and stomach for their own twisted pleasures so YMMV.
posted by elizardbits at 8:16 AM on November 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


Any time someone uses phrases like "I will play her like an upright bass!*" the hair stands up on the back of my neck and my expression grows cross

Don't just saw away at your upright bass like some tasteless brute. If that's what you like, you'll find playing jeté or col legno just as much to your taste—and they produce a more sophisticated sound. A smooth legato stroke is a graceful effect and creates a most welcome feeling of connectedness, whereas staccato or ametrical tremolo playing are useful for driving a musical effect home.

A variety of bowing techniques is yours to explore together—and remember, you can always shake things up with a bit of pizzicato!

(Remember: keep your pinky positioned near the frog at all times.)
posted by kenko at 8:17 AM on November 13, 2012 [8 favorites]


This is a lot better than I thought it would be.
posted by Bwithh at 8:19 AM on November 13, 2012


I guess the joke is that it's an emasculating food?


The joke is that it is tasty but you either don't know how or don't bother to make it.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:20 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I use half chickpea and half garbanzo...

Wait. There's a difference between chick peas and garbanzo beans?! I thought they were just different regional names for the same thing...?


Yep, they are. That's the joke!
posted by SLC Mom at 8:24 AM on November 13, 2012


I'd love to taste Marcus Bachmann's hummus.
posted by Sfving at 8:24 AM on November 13, 2012


Kitty Stardust: " I guess the joke is that it's an emasculating food?"

What? No. Hummus is not an emasculating food. Big Cuckold Pie, now that's an emasculating food.
posted by boo_radley at 8:27 AM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


an Alton Brown recipe for hummus that actually calls for peanut butter instead of tahini.

Just one of the many sins he will have to atone for in the afterlife.
posted by bonehead at 8:28 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


I wasn't aware that the choice whether to allow gay marriage was a woman's.

Actually, since women voters significantly outnumber men at the polls, it is, but that's beside the point.

I think the line that especially made me wince was that they'd "take one for the team and marry the crap out of them". I guess I figured marrying someone who views the marriage as something distasteful they have to do for political reasons would be a turn off for women, but it seems if there's fresh hummus, pinkberry, and three-ways women will just put aside foolish notions of love. I guess these guys really do know better what women want, that they do themselves apparently.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Which reminds me.... Where are all the gay friends who were going to marry me if we were still single at 20 30 40*? Maybe I need FaceBook face lift to drown my sorrows with a tub of hummus in the election thread.



*Oh yeah, they're in longer relationships than most of the straight people I know.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


An Israeli friend of mine claims that the only good tahini in the world comes from this one small town in the near east (you wouldn't have heard of it). Maybe that's why Alton Brown recommends PB.
posted by kenko at 8:30 AM on November 13, 2012


Okay seriously, folks, try the peanut butter substitution. You might not even notice a difference. The biggest problem with hummus recipes I followed when I started making my own was too damn much tahini. In tablespoon-per-pound quantities, the peanut butter works just fine and you don't have to keep a jar of tahini around.

Also I don't make omelets because scrambled eggs are totally gross.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:31 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wikipedia: "In the Gaza Strip, a rust color variety known as "red tahina" is served in addition to ordinary tahina. It is achieved by a different and lengthier process of roasting the sesame seeds, and has a more intense taste. Red tahina is used in sumagiyya (lamb with chard and sumac) and salads native to the falaheen from the surrounding villages, as well as southern Gaza."

I must have it!
posted by kenko at 8:31 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


then again no one has ever rubbed catgut across my throat and stomach for their own twisted pleasures so YMMV

My cat does that. (well, the guts are still inside the cat)
posted by Daily Alice at 8:31 AM on November 13, 2012 [34 favorites]


Also, to get back to the real topic of the thread (hummus), peanut butter is not an adequate substitute for tahini. However, a dip made with similar proportions of black-eyed peas and peanut butter is pretty tasty - you could think of it as Southern Hummus.
posted by Daily Alice at 8:36 AM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


Okay seriously, folks, try the peanut butter substitution. You might not even notice a difference.

I still can't tell if this is now a euphemism for gay sex or not.
posted by elizardbits at 8:37 AM on November 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


i hope so

because if we are talking about food that's gross.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:42 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


I came into this discussion with the assumption that it would be full of people complaining about the stereotyping of gay men in the video, and a tiny bit about the idea that straight men can't care about fashion/tango dancing/etc. Ooh, how wrong I was.

Yeah, this. Tired jokes about how gay men like working out and dressing well and Broadway? And women want a gay best friend to gossip and eat quiche with? Ew.
posted by naoko at 8:44 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


I'm feeling short-changed as a gay man because my boyfriend doesn't make hummus. Then again, neither do I, so apparently we're both falling down on our duties.
posted by xingcat at 8:49 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Wow, I made Hummus last night, and my wife said it was the best she ever had. Close call!
posted by Bovine Love at 8:51 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


>> Okay seriously, folks, try the peanut butter substitution. You might not even notice a difference.

> I still can't tell if this is now a euphemism for gay sex or not.


Either that or Robert Ludlum has branched out into children's books.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:51 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yeah, the joke is that the gay man will marry your girlfriends because they are clearly superior husbands

But overthinking this plate of chickpeas, it's still kinda sexist and gender essentialist. "Oh honey, we gay man are just as feminine as your girlfriend and we both like to think we live in a Sex in the City wonderland. Bears? Leather daddies? Never heard of and I'm sure there are no girls who don't like going to the gym, shopping and endless gossiping.
posted by MartinWisse at 8:55 AM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


I came here to say that I don't expect gay men to be ripped just because they're gay.

(also you have to cook the dried chickpeas to make hummus, not just soak them. ew)
posted by duvatney at 8:55 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


On a more serious note, it's also pretty swipple to make your own hummus when it's so much easier and tastier to buy it in your local Middle Eastern market.
posted by MartinWisse at 8:58 AM on November 13, 2012


Dear Askme, if I were to join a MMF threesome, would I also get nice a breakfast?
posted by orme at 8:59 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Any Canadian kid can tell you that The Peanut Butter Solution is never a good idea.
posted by sparklemotion at 9:00 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also also, judging by internet porn, there's a huge market for "definately not queer" gay sex scenarios for straight men where it all may start with two men double teaming a girl, but one thing leads to another and oh my, so the girlfriend might not be the only one going for that MMF fantasy...
posted by MartinWisse at 9:03 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I guess I thought, because quiche has been a joke effeminate food for nigh unto three decades now, that hummus had reached that level of "Lol, ladyfood" amongst the hot-wing aficionados of the world. I really don't know what Hooters clients think about things.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 9:05 AM on November 13, 2012


Okay seriously, folks, try the peanut butter substitution. You might not even notice a difference.

I still can't tell if this is now a euphemism for gay sex or not.


Chunky or creamy???
posted by aubilenon at 9:06 AM on November 13, 2012


Chunky or creamy???

I'm going to say creamy...
posted by Yellow at 9:09 AM on November 13, 2012


God right now I want some hummus AND some marriage equality

oh hey the Israeli place down the street does both
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 AM on November 13, 2012 [19 favorites]


It's been so long in mefi terms it is irrelevant, but I said annoying, not difficult. And it is annoying. You have to cook the chickpeas, put the cuisinart together and try to get the consistency right, which is highly variable. Then you have to clean puréed chickpea off everything and it cakes like iron on every surface it touches.

All this for something I can buy for cheap (as Martin pointed out) at the halal grocery store is annoying. Quiche is like the pie plate, a bowl for the egg mixture and some pastry from the freezer. And egg is easier to clean up by far. Advantage: quiche.
posted by winna at 9:09 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm with Evernix and naoko. This video doesn't exceed CollegeHumor's usual standard.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:10 AM on November 13, 2012


Wait, does this mean I'm homophobic if I don't like hummus?

I think gay people getting married is perfectly lovely, but hummus, hummus is an abomination.

I think that's in the bible somewhere.
posted by BeReasonable at 9:14 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I had no idea that quiche has been a "joke effeminate food"... In addition to making excellent quiches, I also make excellent hummus - I have come out champion in several hummus face-offs (some chipotle does wonders, and the japapeno-mint-blackbean has been a surprising regular winner as well.)

I think I understand some of the assumptions that people make about me much better now. Apparently, over the years, I've indulged in a number of "gay stereotypes" that I had no idea were actually things, that I end up usually discovering via metafilter. It's fun living under a rock!
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:14 AM on November 13, 2012


It is funny how some/many objectively unattractive hetero males instantly assume that if they're near a gay guy HE WILL BUTT-RAPE ME ZOMG.

Yeah, ain't gonna happen Cassanova.


I really don't think that implying unattractive people are shielded from sexual assault is the best way to fight homophobia.
posted by ODiV at 9:22 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Quiche is the go to faggy food for your drunk uncle to make jokes about which I do not understand at all. it's egg pie. it's pure protein. It's a go-to dish for bodybuilders.

Do they not know what quiche is?
posted by The Whelk at 9:22 AM on November 13, 2012


Has no one mentioned that hummus is actually a LESBIAN food staple, in the way quiche is for gay men? That's what jarred for me in the video!

Also, gay men marrying your gf offer invalid in WA, VA, DC, ME, NY, MN, IA, VT, NH, MA, Brazil, Mexico City, Canada, Iceland, Holland, etc..
posted by Dreidl at 9:23 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm happy to think that a number of you younger folk are unfamiliar with this. It was huge back in the day.
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 9:26 AM on November 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


Quiche is the go to faggy food for your drunk uncle to make jokes about which I do not understand at all. it's egg pie. it's pure protein. It's a go-to dish for bodybuilders.

Do they not know what quiche is?


When Gaston was a lad, he baked four dozen eggs in a quiche ev'ry morning to help him get large.
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 9:30 AM on November 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


too damn much tahini

I understand what each of the individual words mean, but I don't understand that phrase.

Has no one mentioned that hummus is actually a LESBIAN food staple

Hey, that's right (talking purely in stereotypes). I'd expect tapenade from gay men. It'd certainly go better with quiche.
posted by benito.strauss at 9:32 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I kinda find this video tired and essentialist, too.

I always cringe when we reach for the trope of the magical "Homo superior." Personally, I always feel kind-of crowded out by this mono-representation of male homosexuality, as I don't particularly fit it in many ways. And, ultimately, I think mono-representation of homosexuality does all queer people a disservice. Framing male-queerdom as a fun and sassy type or types makes us more palatable and nonthreatening at the cost of circumscribing a bounded area in which society expects queerdom to be, thus erecting hurdles when we find ourselves out of those bounds.

But, eh, it's College Humor. So it goes.

(Though, I do rather like hummus).
posted by Keter at 9:40 AM on November 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


Gripes about the video aside, I'm totally putting this thread in my "cooking" bookmarks.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:42 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


NOW HE'S ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A BARGE
posted by elizardbits at 9:43 AM on November 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


he is so dreamy

halp

posted by elizardbits at 9:44 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think I first encountered CollegeHumor with a video where a couple have to bring out paperwork and lawyers to legally confirm they are consenting to sexual intercourse, because requiring consent is a huge hassle, amiright fellas, and it's kind of tainted my view of them since.
posted by RobotHero at 9:49 AM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


RobotHero, the only CollegeHumor video I remember with a smile is the one in which their staff lip-synchs to "Flagpole Sitta". It must be the one delightful thing on their site.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:55 AM on November 13, 2012


I always cringe when we reach for the trope of the magical "Homo superior."

Fair point, but the imagined audience of this video (pretending, for a moment, that it is serious and not satire) probably figures that's what all gay men are like. Does that, perhaps, make it more effective satire? I'd like to think that the actual audience realizes that gay men's personalities and interests are as varied as those of heterosexual men.
posted by asnider at 9:55 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


elizardbits,

Gaston's too butch to give anyone a Hey Gurl!
posted by sparklemotion at 9:56 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've never understood the whole "real men don't eat quiche" thing either. If it's manly enough for Cary Grant, I'd say it's pretty manly.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:58 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Real men really aren't that quichekeurig.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:08 AM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


I've favorited this link for hummus recipes. At some point in the future I will review my MeFi favorites, see this and be very confused.
posted by Blue Meanie at 10:18 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


Has no one mentioned that hummus is actually a LESBIAN food staple, in the way quiche is for gay men?

I think you're right. I remember it was served all over the place when I visited Beirut.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:29 AM on November 13, 2012 [15 favorites]


It's worth pointing out that the video makes fun of the "Homo superior" trope while enacting it. There's a moment, early on, where it stresses how ridiculous this image of gay men is—that all of us have perfectly toned bodies is. The joke preys upon your belief in the dominant narratives about gay men while pointing out that it's just a narrative, not reality. That's kind of neat.
posted by Casuistry at 10:33 AM on November 13, 2012 [26 favorites]


love hummus/hate quiche, but that has more to do with a low tolerance for things that taste overly eggy rather than a dislike for effeminate foods.
posted by edgeways at 10:48 AM on November 13, 2012


I'm gay, not ripped, and not only do I not know how to make hummus, I don't even like baba ghanoush. What am I doing with my life?

And TheWhiteSkull, go look up Cary Grant and Randolph Scott.
posted by darksasami at 10:56 AM on November 13, 2012


There was a time when sex and hummus meant Bill O'Reilly. So kudos to America for making progress on this difficult subject.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:57 AM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Any time someone uses phrases like "I will play her like an upright bass!*"

Dude, I once said of my own self following an especially satisfying sexual encounter that I had been "banged like Tori Amos' piano." I do not sense that evil intent was meant.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:00 AM on November 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


Yeah the Homo Superior thing is bunk my telekinesis is like, super weak.
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 AM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


As a married het man who supports gay marriage, doesn't make hummus or quiche, but does make stunning basil pesto from scratch (served w/ pasta w/ sautéed veggies, it's excellent), I'll raise your jazzy upright-bass technique some Bootsy-Collins-thumb-slapping-&-finger-plucking-while-mad-high 4-string action.

Dave Brubeck's band — monstrous talent and all, but they got really locked-in-place hips compared to Bootzilla's band is all I'm sayin'.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:19 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah the Homo Superior thing is bunk my telekinesis is like, super weak.

You have to combine it with veganism to get the full effect.
posted by asnider at 11:19 AM on November 13, 2012


banged like Tori Amos' piano

probed like a senate subcommittee?
posted by elizardbits at 11:21 AM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


And TheWhiteSkull, go look up Cary Grant and Randolph Scott.

I said he was manly- I didn't say anything about his sexuality.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:22 AM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


btw, I think Randolph Scott was manly enough for Cary Grant as well
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:24 AM on November 13, 2012


banged like Tori Amos' piano

I can imagine saying this to a woman. I can then imagine that woman laughing like a drain.

probed like a senate subcommittee?

That's just sick.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:55 AM on November 13, 2012


My homophobic alcoholic father once went on a drunken rant/rampage when Mom served garbanzo beans with dinner. He literally stormed around the house for an hour screaming incoherently about "little balls of wax".

Evidently he had some childhood trauma associated with them. I had always thought his stories about the orphanage were made up.
posted by Xoebe at 12:00 PM on November 13, 2012


probed like a senate subcommittee?

I'll be in my bunk -- watching Sheldon Whitehouse on C-SPAN After Dark.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:04 PM on November 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


I will play her like an upright bass!

The cello is sexier by far. It's everything an upright bass is, plus you hold it between your legs while it vibrates.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:23 PM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm so glad this thread is about hummus, because seriously, that video is just not funny. It's cringeworthy.
posted by crossoverman at 12:34 PM on November 13, 2012


it is about SEXY hummus
posted by elizardbits at 12:39 PM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'd hoped "swipple" was related to this, but it's probably #1 from this.
posted by batmonkey at 12:56 PM on November 13, 2012


justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow: "The cello is sexier by far."

Dirty cello (and more Dirty Cello).
posted by Lexica at 12:59 PM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


They might be making a subtle joke with the quiche and bean dip. Because "your wife" will be really impressed by some hummus - eggs - y'all.

Otherwise, yeah, does not sound like a perfect combination.
posted by Joe in Australia at 1:21 PM on November 13, 2012


DoubleLune: And the other essential ingredient is roasted red peppers.

I was going to be so disappointed if nobody had made this point by now! I mean, it's delicious without the roasted red peppers, but they're like 5 minutes more work for such a huge improvement.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:27 PM on November 13, 2012


I know the difference between hummus and baba ganoush, and I can make a mean quiche (my specialty: autumn pumpkin and chestnut quiche). Now I'm confused about my sexual orientation...
posted by Skeptic at 1:42 PM on November 13, 2012


The cello is sexier by far. It's everything an upright bass is, plus you hold it between your legs while it vibrates.

On the other hand, you dance with a double bass. That seems sexier to me than a comically unwieldy vibrator.
posted by invitapriore at 1:50 PM on November 13, 2012


I'm so glad this thread is about hummus, because seriously, that video is just not funny. It's cringeworthy.

Aside from not being funny, it actually made me feel a bit icky watching stereotypes about gay men get used for lazy laughs. I had to stop about halfway through.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:05 PM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I said he was manly- I didn't say anything about his sexuality.

Yeah, but the type of guy who is going to say that real men don't eat quiche is probably also going to claim that gay men aren't real men (whatever that means).
posted by asnider at 2:05 PM on November 13, 2012


This may be a case of a reasonable difference in personal reactions. :)

I do see the nod toward irony—especially with that line about statistically improbable rates of hawt abzzz—but for some reason the satire ended up flat for me, a half-ironic squickiness that to me didn't seem as though it was distant enough from the stereotypes to work. For me, it was some admixture of "oh, ha ha, these are stereotypes that are silly" paired with a really strong enactment at the core of the joke that didn't gel for me. I just ended the journey awkwardly in the middle of what I guess could be a deconstruction. Not enough winks to the audience? I'm not sure.

I've also been a little more sensitive about this sort of thing after being schooled on the fact that stereotypes can (inadvertently?) propagate under the guise of irony, and I'm not sure whether my bar for "calling out" is now too low or just right. (A friend of mine just wrote on video that it "relies on the circular reasoning ironic privilege crap wheel of 'this joke is sexist/racist/heterosexist, but I'M not sexist/racist/heterosexist, so therefore the joke is not sexist/racist/heterosexist.'") Also, the fact that it's from College Humor makes me interpret it as being facile vs. complexly ironic (despite being an enormous fan of Ayn Bran).
posted by Keter at 2:08 PM on November 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


I'm feeling short-changed as a gay man because my boyfriend doesn't make hummus. Then again, neither do I, so apparently we're both falling down on our duties.

Expectations of asymmetry are the cause of—and solution to—all heterosexual relationship problems.
posted by BrashTech at 2:31 PM on November 13, 2012


I kinda find this video tired and essentialist, too.

I always cringe when we reach for the trope of the magical "Homo superior."


One of the key ideas behind this video is that dudes who are against gay marriage also believe stereotypes about gay men. Their ignorance is the target of the joke.
posted by gingerest at 2:54 PM on November 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


One of the key ideas behind this video is that dudes who are against gay marriage also believe stereotypes about gay men. Their ignorance is the target of the joke.

You can tell by how they say "we", as if gay men were all exemplars of the singular Gay Man, like a fabulous version of Borg. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR GIRLFRIENDS WILL BE ENSPOUSINATED.
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 3:42 PM on November 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


Let me get this thread back on track. Hummus: Anymore good recipes?
posted by Mojojojo at 3:53 PM on November 13, 2012


Mojojojo: we've moved!

I just ensured the death of this thread didn't I
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 4:13 PM on November 13, 2012


MetaFilter: Overthinking a plate of garbanzo beans.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:29 PM on November 13, 2012 [9 favorites]


Excellent!
posted by Mojojojo at 4:33 PM on November 13, 2012


My girlfriend? Take my wife, please!
posted by telstar at 5:07 PM on November 13, 2012


WE WILL TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM AND MARRY THE CRAP OUT OF THEM!!!!
*dead*
posted by liza at 9:49 PM on November 13, 2012


There was a time when sex and hummus meant Bill O'Reilly. So kudos to America for making progress on this difficult subject.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:57 PM on November 13


it wasn't hummus, it was falafel
posted by liza at 10:08 PM on November 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


They are woman peas, for crying out loud. It's 2012—show a little respect.
posted by she's not there at 10:53 PM on November 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


Liza, I bet Blazecock Pileon felafel about that mistake.
posted by gingerest at 11:41 PM on November 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


*exasperated sigh* Well I don't even know where to start on this.
posted by Twang at 11:58 PM on November 13, 2012


I've also been a little more sensitive about this sort of thing after being schooled on the fact that stereotypes can (inadvertently?) propagate under the guise of irony, and I'm not sure whether my bar for "calling out" is now too low or just right.

Exactly. After the ironic sexism thread, this video is pretty much the homophobic equivalent - lazily joking about stereotypes while reinforcing them. There's really no reason this video had to rely on lazy stereotypes - except, of course, that's the easiest way to get laughs. Might have been a bit more subversive if they hadn't all been pretty boy femmes with jokes about abs and quiche. It's the same fucking joke over and over again.
posted by crossoverman at 4:44 AM on November 14, 2012


Leucistic Cuttlefish: "as if gay men were all exemplars of the singular Gay Man"

The Platonic Homosexual, if you will.
posted by boo_radley at 8:09 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Too busy making out with the Socratic Homosexual.
posted by The Whelk at 8:17 AM on November 14, 2012 [7 favorites]


nice.
posted by boo_radley at 8:24 AM on November 14, 2012


In fact, I would probably rather simmer the chickpeas in a pot and mash them by hand. Stir in some oil, let it cool, stir in tahini, put it in the fridge overnight. That probably works great. Why have I never tried that.

My pardna's mom does this and it's awesome. She cooks the bajeezus out of the beans, until they're sad little sacks of mushiness, mashes it by hand, and mixes the rest of the magic in with it. Her hummus is much thinner, almost soupy, and more textured than I've had it elsewhere. I would never have tried making it like this, if not for her, but everything about it is phenomenal.
posted by hannahelastic at 12:03 PM on November 14, 2012


crossoverman: "There's really no reason this video had to rely on lazy stereotypes - except, of course, that's the easiest way to get laughs."

I can understand the argument that "this whole video is based on lazy stereotypes, and thus should not have been made", but I can't really understand how you could still make the video, but not rely on lazy stereotypes. I mean, the whole joke is that the stereotypical gay male has more to offer women than the stereotypical straight male. If you took out the stereotypes, all that's left is "I like having sex with men, so your girlfriend would prefer me to you, who likes having sex with women". The only joke you could leave make was maybe a "no, I'm not looking at that other woman" joke, and that's already in the video.
posted by Bugbread at 4:39 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I mean, the whole joke is that the stereotypical gay male has more to offer women than the stereotypical straight male.

Since not all gay men are the same, I could imagine a video that starts off with the lazy stereotypes and moves through to different "types" of gay men, perhaps getting closer and closer to what's considered "straight acting" (god, I hate that term!) and the point is still made - and then it's more like biting satire than lazy "gay face" minstrelry.

But I think I'm more on the side of "God, that was terrible. And I want to tell everybody I think it's terrible" rather than saying it should never have been made. I'm just surprised so many people think it's so hilarious - I've seen it posted all over the place!
posted by crossoverman at 5:44 PM on November 14, 2012


Most of the people I see sharing this (including myself) are queer (including George Takei). For the most part, the collective laughter seems to be about the absurdity of the video. Seeing horrific stereotypes turned against the homophobic straight men who believe them has the sweet taste of vengeance.

Not to say that there aren't people who miss out on that and say "lol so true." Unfortunately, straight people might not be the only ones doing this: the stereotypes do have a lot of play in gay communities, even to the point of being celebrated as ideal. Could be, the wrong context would let the joke be used against gay and bi men who didn't fit the stereotype (you can't be gay you don't like Pinkberry!) , and that would not be okay, at all.

The stories of real people are manifold, no matter who we're inclined to love. I'd love to see a parody of this video that told the disparate stories of gay men.
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 2:52 PM on November 16, 2012 [2 favorites]


Skeptic: "my specialty: autumn pumpkin and chestnut quiche"

How did I not see this before? Pointer to recipe, pls?
posted by Lexica at 6:32 PM on November 19, 2012


Did someone already point out that quiche and hummus do not go together in one meal?
posted by latkes at 5:21 PM on November 20, 2012


Other people did mention it, and I really, really think that hummus is meant to be a sort of pun on "homos". Yes, I know that that would not be a funny joke, even in the "that's not funny" sense. But what other rationale is there for including it with the stereotypically-effeminate quiche?
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:33 PM on November 20, 2012


Non sequitur comedy.
posted by Leucistic Cuttlefish at 11:35 PM on November 25, 2012


As a married het man who supports gay marriage, doesn't make hummus or quiche, but does make stunning basil pesto from scratch (served w/ pasta w/ sautéed veggies, it's excellent)

Two words....cilantro pesto. Changed my whole life.
posted by nevercalm at 9:16 PM on November 26, 2012


Gay Women Will Marry Your Boyfriends.

"Kristin Stewart already landed Robert Pattinson".
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:36 PM on December 4, 2012


But what other rationale is there for including it with the stereotypically-effeminate quiche?

Hummus evokes a stylish home cooked dinner, as opposed to what you would expect the stereotypical macho male to prepare. Hummus is very much not franks and beans.

The stereotype for gay men includes taste and style as well as purely effeminate things.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:40 PM on December 4, 2012


« Older Terence McKenna’s Final Interview   |   How would you feel if somebody... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments



Post