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November 14, 2012 3:35 AM   Subscribe


 
True to form, it locked on the main screen & I couldn't escape.
posted by chavenet at 3:38 AM on November 14, 2012 [11 favorites]


Did you know...

If you follow the cord to the wall, you will find it is plugged into an eternal madness.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 3:52 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Did you know ...

Windows can communicate with many other devices, even through the electrical wiring of your house.

Windows sometimes watches you while you sleep.
posted by nonspecialist at 4:06 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Related...Microsoft Relationship Support.
posted by thebordella at 4:11 AM on November 14, 2012


Nothing But Spiders
posted by griphus at 4:12 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


I saw this earlier, and it was delicious.
But what is it with Tumblrs of so few pages?

Do the writers fail San checks?
posted by Mezentian at 4:16 AM on November 14, 2012


Welcome to Windows95

Did you ever wonder why it's called Windows? It's to help you remember to close all of the windows in your home. You did close them, didn't you?

It's too late now. Remain seated, and do not take your eyes off the screen.
posted by jake at 4:19 AM on November 14, 2012 [7 favorites]


Good stuff.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:24 AM on November 14, 2012


You want horror? You can't handle the horror.
posted by Mezentian at 4:24 AM on November 14, 2012


Long Live the New Flesh
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:25 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


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It looks like you're trying to combine mundane technology references with eldritch horror. Would you like to check out @ActualPerson084? #nightofthefreeipad
posted by Rhaomi at 4:28 AM on November 14, 2012 [51 favorites]


Impressive.
Most impressive.
posted by Mezentian at 4:30 AM on November 14, 2012


I have no mouse and I must scream.
posted by jquinby at 4:35 AM on November 14, 2012 [35 favorites]


This is making me miss #romneydeathrally.
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:36 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Blood Art


. . . has led to me sitting here quietly giggling since I saw it.
posted by exlotuseater at 4:40 AM on November 14, 2012


Ironic 90s nostalgia has officially gone too far.

(Kidding. This is great)
posted by kagredon at 4:43 AM on November 14, 2012


this is giving me the ACTUALPERSON084 shivers
posted by The Whelk at 4:43 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


But what is it with Tumblrs of so few pages?

Just enough for the book proposal.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 4:43 AM on November 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


I actually ran into Clippy the other night at a local bar. He was in town on vacation with his family. Turns out, he's a really nice, down to earth guy. He made a few jokes about his work for Windows, but didn't seem to be too spiteful or anything. I asked him if he had any plans for the future and that's when he started vomiting blood
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:51 AM on November 14, 2012 [19 favorites]


Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook
Shocked audience members claimed the appalling laptop, which seemed to many onlookers to have functioning digestive, muscular, and urinary systems, was "hard to look at" and easily the most repellent product yet manufactured by Apple.

One customer, who had been anticipating the release of the new MacBook for months, claimed he felt "nauseous" when multiple software applications running at once caused the computer to start wheezing.

"I tried to force-quit some of the programs, but it got all slow and began to turn this sickly purple color," Bill DeLain, 39, said. "Finally I hit the eject button and a tray popped open and spit out a bunch of teeth. Why does it have teeth?"
posted by Rhaomi at 4:53 AM on November 14, 2012 [19 favorites]


This reminds me of when I had one of the software engineers at work replace my Windows95 startup messages with Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.
posted by rocket88 at 5:00 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Did you purchase this computer from Gateway? Try remembering that death is also only a gateway.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:04 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Clippy aka SlenderMan
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:10 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Clippy aka SlenderMan

Bendyman
posted by DU at 5:16 AM on November 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


But what is it with Tumblrs of so few pages?

You know they don't all spring fully formed from the head of Zeus, right?
posted by Legomancer at 5:17 AM on November 14, 2012 [8 favorites]


I remember the week I first installed Windows 95. It was coincidentally the week my dog vanished.
posted by JJ86 at 5:32 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Every single one of those made me smile. Pretty damn note perfect. Do not question the truth of this tumblr.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:36 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


This one is my favorite. So far.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 5:49 AM on November 14, 2012


I remember dealing with ISA Plug-and-Play cards in Windows 95. I think that was plenty scary.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:56 AM on November 14, 2012


Windows 95 is waiting.

Windows 95 has always been waiting.
posted by tommasz at 5:58 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Registry Editor
Adding information can unintentionally change or delete values and cause components to stop working correctly. Hands will grasp at nearby weapons of their own accord. Mouths and tongues will automatically form the syllables of unspoken languages. Your components are at risk.

Are you sure you want to continue?
posted by logicpunk at 6:12 AM on November 14, 2012 [11 favorites]


TheWhiteSkull: "Did you purchase this computer from Gateway? Try remembering that death is also only a gateway"

"Death is but a door, time is but a window: I'll be back."
posted by ArgentCorvid at 6:27 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Too soon!
posted by mazola at 6:30 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Mac version would be pretty boring. "Zap the PRAM" the end.
posted by Brocktoon at 7:38 AM on November 14, 2012


Uh-huh.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:41 AM on November 14, 2012


This needs to be cross referenced with SCP-713
posted by jeribus at 7:42 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I long ago realized that any SF/F story I wanted to write would just turn into SCP fanfiction
posted by The Whelk at 7:44 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I miss Windows 95.
posted by jb at 7:45 AM on November 14, 2012


This would be a lot more convincing if they'd used Windows ME, which was clearly inspired by Satan.
posted by Malor at 8:58 AM on November 14, 2012


This blog makes me inexplicably happy.
posted by 8dot3 at 9:41 AM on November 14, 2012


I don't get it - how is this different from Windows 7?
posted by newdaddy at 10:50 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


You make a grown man cry.
posted by radwolf76 at 11:41 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


So over the past decade we've had major waves of Kawaii, Sincerity, a general turning away from Cheap Irony, the innocent pleasures of LOLcats, ICANHAZ and Mah Bukkit. But lately I've noticed a general trend towards examining the mundane horrors of modern life, as evidenced by UtilityLimb and ActualPerson084, and apparently Windows 95.

All I can say is,"About time."
posted by lekvar at 1:04 PM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


I remember most of these from my time with Win95, but a few of them were new even to me.
posted by owtytrof at 2:32 PM on November 14, 2012


I actually ran into Clippy the other night at a local bar.

let me guess - he was drinking a rusty nail?
posted by pyramid termite at 4:29 PM on November 14, 2012


This one is my favorite! "What you want to do, and more, is possible. Whatever you do will be more fun."

Oh, wait. That one is from the real, actual Windows 95 installer.
posted by zsazsa at 5:18 PM on November 14, 2012


Reading this makes me glad I had already switched to Linux in 1995.
posted by suetanvil at 8:29 PM on November 14, 2012


Created by Neil Cicierega, inventor of Animutation on Albino Black Sheep back before there was even an anything. Love it.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:55 AM on November 15, 2012


Not only did Neil Cicierega invent Animutation, he also created Potter Puppet Pals, Ultimate Showdown, and Brodyquest... and this Tumblr. I'm a big fan...
posted by sixohsix at 3:02 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Holy shit thank you
posted by J0 at 8:04 PM on November 15, 2012


suetanvil: "Reading this makes me glad I had already switched to Linux in 1995."

At work, we have a web server that's running Red Hat 6 (the first one...from 1998; it's a long story).

A few weeks ago, a bewildered technician at the NOC informed me that I needed to update BIND to a slightly newer version, because a circa-1996 bug was wrecking havoc on their network.

'RPM Hell' made me wish that these particular folks hadn't switched to Linux in 1995. Sneakernetting the dozens of RPMs in the dependency chain over to this server (which doesn't have USB support or a proper connection to the internet) was just awesome.

I could probably deal with NT4 (or even easily upgrade an NT4 installation to something more modern, thanks to Microsoft's nearly-fanatic commitment to backward-compatibility), but the Linux that existed in the 90s is just an absolute nightmare to maintain over the long-term. I guess it says something that the system's been operating for 14 years without incident, and we've somehow managed to have not trashed the ext2 partitions, although the ability to run for 14 years uninterrupted appears to have been a bug rather than a feature in this case.
posted by schmod at 7:56 PM on November 18, 2012


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