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When all is said and done, it makes good toast.
November 14, 2012 8:11 AM   Subscribe

This woman had a haunted toaster. (Originally aired on the Today Show in 1984.)
posted by usonian (48 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
But it makes pretty good toast....
posted by HuronBob at 8:12 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


mefi is getting sloooooow in its old age.
posted by IvoShandor at 8:14 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


I loved the obviously faked "Satan Lives" toast. Man 80s satanic panic was fun living through.
posted by vuron at 8:20 AM on November 14, 2012 [10 favorites]


I have to believe that if Satan actually created a typographical toasted testimony to his evil existence that he would have used Comic Sans.
posted by spock at 8:24 AM on November 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


This BoingBoing proxy is a bit slow.
posted by clvrmnky at 8:24 AM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


I didn't know the Howard Stern show has been around for that long.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:25 AM on November 14, 2012


Holy shit - the Humanity! No Nutella!
posted by From Bklyn at 8:26 AM on November 14, 2012


"obviously faked"
Ok. So. What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?
posted by relish at 8:26 AM on November 14, 2012 [17 favorites]


Are there any consumer protection laws pertaining to possessed household appliances? Could the retailer refuse to refund the aforementioned possessed toaster by insisting that possession is a type of force majeure, rendering any refund claims null and void? Are there any insurance companies that protect the retail industry against adversarial supernatural inventory phenomena?

STARTUP IDEA
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:27 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?

Comes out of the toaster with a layer of Marmite already on it.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:27 AM on November 14, 2012 [14 favorites]


BOW BEFORE TOASTER
posted by The Whelk at 8:28 AM on November 14, 2012


Are there any insurance companies that protect the retail industry against adversarial supernatural product phenomena?

An insurance company that specializes in Acts of Gods?
posted by ceribus peribus at 8:29 AM on November 14, 2012


"obviously faked"
Ok. So. What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?


It would be pretty funny though if the devil really did scratch "Satan lives" into a piece of toast. Who's going to believe it?
posted by cotterpin at 8:30 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Are there any consumer protection laws pertaining to possessed household appliances? Could the retailer refuse to refund the aforementioned possessed toaster by insisting that possession is a type of force majeure, rendering any refund claims null and void? Are there any insurance companies that protect the retail industry against adversarial supernatural product phenomena?

Don't fail us, Elizabeth Warren!
posted by 2N2222 at 8:31 AM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Bob Howard kept his calm over the phone "I'm sorry sir but your policy only covers the Abrahamic religions, you'll have to deal with the Oni on your own..."
posted by The Whelk at 8:31 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Right-o. About five years ago I had a temp assignment at a Cable Company - I was the person that sat at the front desk, the one who took payments and listened to complaints. I met an amazing cross-section of humanity, every single one of them pissed off at the Cable Company and at me, the Cable Company's representative. It was a god-awful job. They offered me full-time when my three months of temping was up and it was all I could do not to laugh in their faces. Anyway...

One woman came in with her cable box, slammed it on my counter, and proclaimed that it was haunted by the ghost of her mother. It would randomly switch from what she was watching to her mother's favorite channels. Channels like Hallmark. She couldn't watch her shows because her mother's ghost would keep changing it back to channels that SHE wanted to watch. She wanted a new cable box, one that wasn't haunted. She was deadly serious. She had the demeanor of somebody who had been driven thisclose to the edge and could TAKE IT NO LONGER.

I gave her a new cable box, no questions asked. I took the old one and put a sticky note that said "EXORCISE" on it and put it on the repair pile. I doubt it was properly exorcised. And now some poor random person is watching TV and is frustrated by the fact that it randomly and abruptly switches to the Hallmark channel whenever the ghost wants to watch her stories.
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:32 AM on November 14, 2012 [35 favorites]


I loved the obviously faked "Satan Lives" toast.

The attempt at an authentic heavy metal album cover typeface was the best part.
posted by elizardbits at 8:33 AM on November 14, 2012


That's nothing- I used to own a convection oven that was possessed by Moloch. I haven't had roast...turkey as good as that since.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:34 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


But does it dance to Jackie Wilson?
posted by cottoncandybeard at 8:35 AM on November 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Full version of this story
posted by yellowbinder at 8:36 AM on November 14, 2012


So glad that news shows no longer take on such frivolous topics.
posted by tommasz at 8:38 AM on November 14, 2012


The rest of the report is very very well-worth watching, five minutes of the type of reporting that you just don't get from NBC any more.

Besides, when all is said and done, it makes good toast.
posted by item at 8:39 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I like that through the horror she still retains perspective regarding the most important quality of a toaster.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:41 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ok. So. What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?

It was produced by an authentic Satanic Toaster. The real question is, how do you spot an authentic Satanic Toaster?

Mine converted my cat. I could tell because her behavior didn't change AT ALL.
posted by zarq at 8:46 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


This woman's delicate dance with the devil is a microcosm of man's relationship to his technology.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:48 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


My sister still claims the alarm clock she had as a teenager was haunted.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:48 AM on November 14, 2012


OK so the interviewer went on to be a producer on Jerry Springer? I'm unsure how deep the fakery goes here. Did they find a crazy lady who believed she had a demonic toaster, or did they set up a story about a crazy lady with a demonic toaster?

Also, I would love to have a toaster that writes me messages and makes really good toast. Demonic possession not preferred, but will consider all offers.
posted by Joh at 8:48 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I actually think this story would be funnier if the toast was real.

SATAN WIELDS HIS FATAL POWER TO DESTROY WOMAN'S TOAST
TOAST TECHNICALLY EDIBLE, BUT SOME AREAS "KINDA THIN"
posted by DU at 8:50 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


She couldn't watch her shows because her mother's ghost would keep changing it back to channels that SHE wanted to watch. She wanted a new cable box, one that wasn't haunted. She was deadly serious. She had the demeanor of somebody who had been driven thisclose to the edge and could TAKE IT NO LONGER.

What she didn't realize until too late was... the GHOST was in the REMOTE!
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:51 AM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


I would be a lot more impressed by a toaster that wasn't possessed by the devil. Every single toaster I have ever used was clearly animated by a form of malevolent evil.
posted by koeselitz at 8:55 AM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


Ok. So. What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?

Well, of course it's certified by Underworld Laboratories.
posted by orme at 8:57 AM on November 14, 2012 [13 favorites]


Every single toaster I have ever used was clearly animated by a form of malevolent evil.

srsly, WHY CAN'T I GET RELIABLY BROWNED TOAST????

I have to crank mine up to the highest setting then push it down for part of a second round of toasting to get something that isn't merely warmed. And this is a newish toaster with LEDs. Come on, science, get on the stick.
posted by DU at 8:58 AM on November 14, 2012


Ok. So. What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?

I think Satan can probably do better than burning a piece of toast and then scraping in his infernal message with deep grooves.
posted by DU at 8:59 AM on November 14, 2012


My favorite part: "I'd say, sounded like Eli Wallach."
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:02 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Ok. So. What are the qualities of authentic satanic toast?

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't make toast. Satanic toast has no distinguishing characteristics whatever.

So if you see something like "Satan Lives" in your toast, don't worry, it's just a TV gag.

However, if you see nothing...
posted by Naberius at 9:19 AM on November 14, 2012 [5 favorites]


Apparently, the answer in this case actually is Ghostbusters 2.
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:27 AM on November 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


No comments about the flame that shoots out at 0:51 when she actually gets it to latch on a piece of bread? What are the odds of that? And how did _that_ piece of toast turn out? Surely it would have an inscription from the Evil One.

(on rewatch, there's an edit right after that. Maybe the message was just too much)
posted by achrise at 9:42 AM on November 14, 2012


My favorite part: "I'd say, sounded like Eli Wallach ."


Which led to my favorite part, when they go back to Bryant Gumble laughing and saying "Jane [Pauley] says she has a refrigerator that sounds like Burt Lancaster."
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:02 AM on November 14, 2012


srsly, WHY CAN'T I GET RELIABLY BROWNED TOAST????

You might want to wait for the toasters of the future, although they can be a little needy.
posted by samsara at 10:03 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have to crank mine up to the highest setting then push it down for part of a second round of toasting to get something that isn't merely warmed. And this is a newish toaster with LEDs.

LEDs never fail to let me down.
posted by 2N2222 at 10:14 AM on November 14, 2012


Cusinart? That's a faux LED toaster. Exactly the kind of deception that the Prince of Darkness deals in.
posted by dr_dank at 10:17 AM on November 14, 2012


The LEDs aren't for toasting, they are for displaying the count down timer and toaster setting level. The actual toasting is done between its knees.
posted by DU at 10:33 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


I AM A TOASTER
posted by The Whelk at 10:38 AM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hey Blondie! I make you some toast! ¡Hija de puta!
posted by Mister_A at 11:05 AM on November 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Obviously the toaster is possessed by the devil. I hate scraped toast.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:55 AM on November 14, 2012


I always wondered what Francis Ford Coppola did in 1984.
Check out the outtakes--the second piece of toast comes up with the burnt scrawl "Try the veal."
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:58 AM on November 14, 2012


It's probably a Stray Toaster, possibly a Bolle-Happel model eleventy-nine.

"Bolle-Happel Appliances- Where Quality is Something We Consider"
posted by Lokheed at 12:09 PM on November 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


The toaster in the office break room recently caught fire due to a Pop-Tart mishap (the fire department came and everything) and I really want to share this video with my two funny lady friends in accounting but one of them is really religious (she types "OMGosh" instead of "OMG") and I'm afraid that it would maybe just be lost on her and now I am sad.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:18 PM on November 14, 2012


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