All I remember about it was that I was having sex with Pierce Brosnan in a hot tub. Except that he had a vagina.

November 15, 2012 9:57 AM

"Emma Stone was my dream best friend for a number of weeks. We'd see movies together. Get drinks and gossip. I remember one dream where we just texted. She resurfaced as my best friend last fall after I saw The Help. An actual friend of mine once told me a story about meeting Andrew Garfield's best friend, which meant Andrew Garfield and I were dream best friends for the following few nights. Again, there was texting." The Awl asks people: What Was Your Weirdest Celebrity Sex Dream?
posted by The Whelk (113 comments total)

Oh look it is all my christmases come at once.
posted by elizardbits at 10:00 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

very surprised that link didn't point to an Askreddit thread.
posted by hellojed at 10:02 AM on November 15, 2012

Fascinating.

Believe it or not, I've only ever had one, and it stopped short of sex.

When I was a teenager, I had an inexplicable crush on W.C. Fields. Not the old, puffy, alcoholic Fields, but rather the young and talented juggler/artist nicknamed "Whitey".

One night, I dreamed that Fields showed up to see me, in person. I was overwhelmed and wanted to go right up to him and touch him. But he cautioned me that he smelled very, very bad, and that I needed to stay a good distance away from him. We then had an oddly charming conversation and I woke up feeling most peculiar.
posted by kinnakeet at 10:03 AM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

I had a dream once where Richard Feynman, Bill Nye and I were hanging out. But just as bros.
posted by DU at 10:04 AM on November 15, 2012

A couple of nights ago I dreamed I hooked up with Nicholas Cage, and he turned out to be a gigantic masochist, and I kept trying to hurt him as much as he wanted but he just didn't feel ANYTHING no matter how hard I hit him with a paddle and it was very frustrating.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2012 [7 favorites]

It happened in junior year of high school, I think, and all I remember about it was that I was having sex with Pierce Brosnan in a hot tub. Except that he had a vagina. This is a pretty cut-and-dry case of my sexual confusion in my high-school years, but it's particularly confusing because I have never cared much for Pierce Brosnan.

This is one of those dreams which I've never had anything remotely like yet which somehow feels entirely familiar to me.

(Unrelated question: is Emma Stone actually a talented actress? Or is she merely a not-horrible actress who happens to be really cute? I've seen her in a bunch of things, including Easy A, and she never really clicked for me, but maybe she had a stellar breakout role that I simply never heard of.)
posted by Rory Marinich at 10:06 AM on November 15, 2012

I am pretty sure my dream of riding dressage unicorns with Barack and Michelle counts under this category.
posted by elizardbits at 10:07 AM on November 15, 2012 [10 favorites]

I've had only a handful of sex dreams in my life, and the only one that involved a celebrity involved Kendall Jenner who is both a reality TV star and 16.

Look on my works ye embarrassed and despair.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:07 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I dreamed I hooked up with Nicholas Cage, and he turned out to be a gigantic masochist, and I kept trying to hurt him as much as he wanted but he just didn't feel ANYTHING no matter how hard I hit him with a paddle and it was very frustrating.

A paddle? It's Nicholas Cage--you gotta go with THE BEES, THE BEES!
posted by yoink at 10:07 AM on November 15, 2012

I kept trying to hurt him as much as he wanted but he just didn't feel ANYTHING...

You didn't try the bees?
posted by DU at 10:07 AM on November 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

dressage unicorns

At last something that could heal this divided nation. Obama and Michelle provide the unicorns and Mitt and Ann teach them dressage.
posted by yoink at 10:09 AM on November 15, 2012

Shortly after Britney's meltdown I had a dream that I was her gay boyfriend and got her life back on track. We're going to make it BritBrit...
posted by yellowbinder at 10:10 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I guess this technically isn't a sex dream, but...before I lost my virginity I had a dream where Patricia Arquette (who was, like, totally into me) and I were trying to find a private spot to have sex, and every time we were about to get to it we were interrupted by something or someone and had to move on. After this happened a bunch of times she lost interest and left.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Plot twist: the dressage unicorns are carnivores and eat Rush Limbaugh.
posted by elizardbits at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I rarely, if ever, dream about anyone I know or even recognize, including celebrities or my loved ones.

Is that strange?
posted by Thorzdad at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2012

Y'all can't handle my weirdest sex dream. Be careful what you ask for.
posted by Splunge at 10:13 AM on November 15, 2012

I ran into Sam Waterston outside a Korean deli and was laying on a lot of flattery. He just stood there with a bemused grin, as if he was used to this kind of thing.
posted by Egg Shen at 10:13 AM on November 15, 2012

remember if you run into Sam Waterston in the dream then you'll run into Sam Waterston in real life.
posted by The Whelk at 10:16 AM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Rory Marinich:

(Unrelated question: is Emma Stone actually a talented actress? Or is she merely a not-horrible actress who happens to be really cute? I've seen her in a bunch of things, including Easy A, and she never really clicked for me, but maybe she had a stellar breakout role that I simply never heard of.)"

The first time noticed Emma Stone was in The House Bunny. I thought she stole the movie. I find her to be a very natural comic actor.

Opinions on comedy always vary.
posted by Bonzai at 10:17 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER
...
posted by Z. Aurelius Fraught at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

I guess this technically isn't a sex dream, but...before I lost my virginity I had a dream where Patricia Arquette (who was, like, totally into me) and I were trying to find a private spot to have sex, and every time we were about to get to it we were interrupted by something or someone and had to move on. After this happened a bunch of times she lost interest and left.

Omigod you dreamed a Buñuel film.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I rarely, if ever, dream about anyone I know or even recognize, including celebrities or my loved ones.

Eh, I think everyone's dreams are strange. My dreams often involve few actual visuals, and any person or space is identified only by intuition and not because they look like the person or place they are supposed to be.

Thanks to that 90s music thread, I had a very vivid dream the other night that my wife and I were at the 9:30 Club for an Everclear concert and I had lied to my wife and told her I used to be in Everclear and I was afraid Art Alexakis was going to talk to my wife and I would be revealed to be a fraud. In that dream, I never saw my wife's face and the room we were in was clearly not the 9:30 Club.

Art Alexakis looked right, though.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I dreamed I was at a bar, alone, and Keri Russell was there, with friends. I went over to talk to her and I guess thought the classiest thing I could do was make fun of her for being in Honey, I Blew Up the Kid. And it was constant. Every time there was a lull in her and her friends conversation, I would make another snarky comment about Honey, I Blew Up the Kid. At some point, I believe my subconcious was omnisciently hinting at me that I was being a mega-douche, but I just wouldn't stop.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 10:19 AM on November 15, 2012 [7 favorites]

I guess this technically isn't a sex dream, but...before I lost my virginity I had a dream where Patricia Arquette (who was, like, totally into me) and I were trying to find a private spot to have sex, and every time we were about to get to it we were interrupted by something or someone and had to move on. After this happened a bunch of times she lost interest and left.

This is how my sex dreams go. All of them. Every single time. Either we can't find a place, or we're interrupted, or she just entirely loses interest and wanders off. I lost my virginity almost a decade ago, and I still have never actually successfully had sex in a dream. I am a Dream Virgin.
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:21 AM on November 15, 2012 [12 favorites]

(...I should probably clarify that it's never been Patricia Arquette. My dreams almost never feature anybody recognizably real. So I guess technically this is orthogonal to the post.)
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:22 AM on November 15, 2012

The Card Cheat and Thorzdad, your openness has allowed me to admit that you just described almost every sex dream I've ever had. It's always about "almost" having sex or being in VERY sexualized situations -- but always with super hot people I don't recognize -- until people I DO know show up and interrupt. Usually, the person who interrupts is either a family member (which makes sense in a weird way) or my partner (who, if I ever tell him about this is 'real life' finds that ridiculous because if I was ever in a VERY sexualized situation with a super hot person and my partner showed up, this would be what we call "a win" but yet it never works out that way.)

Basically, I don't have sex dreams as much as I have blue ball dreams. This has always been amusing to me. Or at least it has since I got over feeling guilty about masturbation.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:22 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh man. John Cleese. At his current age. In a giant barrel by a crossroads. But I only got the "we have just done this" part, not the actual deed, which in retrospect is a bitter disappointment.

Take me back, John.
posted by darksasami at 10:23 AM on November 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

I've always assumed that the unsuccesful sex dreams were a genre of dreams where I am powerless, rather than a genre of sex dreams. They feel exactly like the dreams where I am running from an unstoppable thing or hitting something that's attacking me to no avail.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:23 AM on November 15, 2012

I co-starred in a movie with Lindsay Lohan about rescuing very small killer whales a few nights ago. It was nothing at all like sex.
posted by ChuraChura at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Wait in a giant barrel?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2012

I've had one celebrity sex dream that I can remember, and it was about Elijah Wood. We did it on a pool table. In my defense, it was during the time a few years ago when there were internet rumors that Wood was going to play Iggy Pop in a biopic, so that makes more sense.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 10:25 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

ChuraChura - your dream Lohan makes better career choices then the real one.
posted by The Whelk at 10:26 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

The Card Cheat and Thorzdad, your openness has allowed me to admit that you just described almost every sex dream I've ever had.

Oh...sorry...I guess I should clarify...They aren't sex dreams, either. I don't have sex dreams, really. Just...dreams where nothing much happens.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:27 AM on November 15, 2012

It was upended, not the rolly way. And it might have had a door, I'm not sure.
posted by darksasami at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2012

That sounds suspiciously hobbity.
posted by elizardbits at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2012

Thorzdad actually I should have been clear. I meant that I tend to have a combination of both your mentioned oddness (rarely about people you know) and the Card Cheat's (constant interruption of sexy times)

For the record, so far I would be happy to have a sex dream about every non-Romney celebrity mentioned in this thread.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:30 AM on November 15, 2012

I've gotten dream-blue-balled so often I have an Ask post drafted about it
posted by MangyCarface at 10:31 AM on November 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

When I was in junior high I had a dream where I was sitting in a hay loft with Angelina Jolie. We were talking about having sex and there was a sort of implied "we've already had sex," but the dream itself had no sex. It's the only celebrity sex dream that I can actually remember having.
posted by asnider at 10:36 AM on November 15, 2012

This is the part where I evaluate if want to post about my insane and true celebrity sex dream, or if I want to drop $5 and give the 10,000 pity/revulsion favorites to a sockpuppet. Hmm.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:37 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

IMPORTANT QUESTION: Does The Whelk count as a celebrity y/n
posted by shakespeherian at 10:38 AM on November 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

IMPORTANT QUESTION: Does The Whelk count as a celebrity y/n

y
posted by asnider at 10:42 AM on November 15, 2012

Believe it or not, I've only ever had one, and it stopped short of sex.

I've only had one sex dream period. I am very disappointed in my id about this.

(On the other hand, it was....sufficiently satisfying that I woke up not only myself, but the guy I was in bed with; he just blinked and asked, "okay, I know I'm not that good, so what the hell was that?")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

As a straight woman... I have had only one sex dream with a celebrity and it was Sigourney Weaver. It started off as her Ripley persona, but at the end she morphed into her evil stepmother character.

I am still not sure how I feel about that.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Never had a celebrity sex dream but I did see the Beatles play in my high school gymnasium.
posted by doctor_negative at 10:44 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I had a sex dream involving Fred Willard.

There's not really anything I can say to make that statement less awful, is there?
posted by pxe2000 at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

At an air force base?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:51 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

"in public"
posted by The Whelk at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

"and i liked it"
posted by elizardbits at 10:57 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

My first celebrity crush that I remember to this day was Jessica Lange in King Kong ('76) and this monkey FELL HARD. I had the dream sometime after that because I was 7 in '76 and even this monkey's hormones weren't THAT precocious, so was probably a couple of years later.

It was a weird dream because it took place in my bedroom which confused the fuck out of me when I woke up. But in the dream, I get up out of bed, walk to my closet, open the gate-fold doors and BAM!... nekkid Jessica Lange in my closet with an inviting smile on her face. BOO-YAA!

I remember thinking "I'm supposed to drop to my knees and kiss her between the legs." But when I do, I'm confronted by 3 boot-brushes hanging on the wall like some abstract-art vagina.

Stand up, smiling Jessica Lange. Kneel down, boot-brushes. Iterate 2 or 3 times, wake up, walk to the closet... and be not sure if I was disappointed JL wasn't there, or glad that there were no boot-brushes on the wall.

I have never forgotten that dream. One day Jessica Lange will be mouldering in her grave and she'll still be beautiful in my eyes.

But I think I just learned something about myself and personal grooming preferences that I hadn't quite put together until 15 seconds ago.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:05 AM on November 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

I had a sex dream involving Fred Willard.

There's not really anything I can say to make that statement less awful, is there?

How about "... and he didn't even go down."

That would be worse.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:06 AM on November 15, 2012

I dreamed that Jensen Ackles (plays Dean Winchester on Supernatural) showed up at my house and that I kept trying to get him to watch The Walking Dead with me. He kept refusing and I was getting seriously pissed off about it. And he was getting pissed off that I kept asking. Stalemate.

Yeah I know, not a sex dream. That's why it was so weird. This guy was at my house and I spent the whole time trying to get him to watch a TV show instead of having sex with him like a red-blooded American. Wth?
posted by katyggls at 11:07 AM on November 15, 2012

Ha, I like the guy who had the Galen Tyrol dream.

I don't know if this counts a sex dream, but I did dream once that I was in a cafeteria with Galen Tyrol, and he whipped out his penis. Or rather, it mostly looked like a penis, but was the size, shape, and consistency of an elongated paper lantern. No dangly pieces, though. He poked it against a piece of furniture, and it even collapsed like a paper lantern.

Then, the Chief called me "so very, very loose"!
posted by Coatlicue at 11:16 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ha, I like the guy who had the Galen Tyrol dream.

some people just have good taste
posted by The Whelk at 11:17 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Leslie Nielsen.

(freezes in place laughing while the Police Squad! theme blares behind her.)
posted by kimberussell at 11:17 AM on November 15, 2012

Oh, there was also the dream in which Thora Birch showed me her vagina dentata. Not in a sexual way, just "hey, look at this thing I have."
posted by pxe2000 at 11:18 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

i love everyone in this thread.
posted by elizardbits at 11:19 AM on November 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

I dreamed I made whoopee with Bob Eubanks in a weeeeeeeeeird place.

Seriously, though, never had sex dreams about celebrities, although I have dreamed I was Brad Pitt.
posted by infinitewindow at 11:27 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Was it...in the butt, infinitewindow?
posted by pxe2000 at 11:32 AM on November 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

I don't have sex dreams about famous people. Is that weird?
posted by Mister_A at 11:33 AM on November 15, 2012

Oh, there was also the dream in which Thora Birch showed me her vagina dentata. Not in a sexual way, just "hey, look at this thing I have."


American Beauty 2: Every Rose Has Its Thorn
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:38 AM on November 15, 2012 [10 favorites]

When one of my ex-girlfriends becomes famous, then I'll be able to say I had a sex dream about a celebrity. Unless you count Heather Graham.
posted by the painkiller at 11:43 AM on November 15, 2012

I actually had a relationship dream where Lady Gaga and I were a couple and we hung out and had a good time and were a great fit but our lifestyles were way too different and just couldn't work it out, so she wrote a very nice song about it by way of breaking up with me and it was always our song and really was the nicest and most thoughtful way I'd ever been broken up with.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:43 AM on November 15, 2012

Count me among the somnambulatorily cockblocked. Be it mother, senator, or nun, everything becomes like I am in infinite gravity quicksand soon as the pants are breached.
posted by mediocre at 11:44 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wait.. my attempt to quote Chasing Amy may have had a spectacular backfire. My first mistake may have been attempting to quote Chasing Amy.
posted by mediocre at 11:44 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I once had a dream about Phil Hartman, which transitioned into a dream where I was calling him on the phone to tell him about the dream. We were clearly very close, and he thought the dream that I told him about was hilarious. Then I woke up and first I remembered that we weren't actually BFFs, and then that he was dead. I guess it's a good thing that the order wasn't reversed, there.

Also, I once had a dream that Gordon Gano was at my house and asked for a drink and I went to the fridge to get him one and the only thing I had was Violent Femmes-promo edition Pepsi, and I was mortified.
posted by amarynth at 11:48 AM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Bill Murray, (Lost in Translation vibe, but Groundhog Dayish in appearance)
Richard Dreyfuss (circa The Goodbye Girl)

Moderate necking in both cases, but tragically woke up.
posted by Glinn at 11:52 AM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

One time I had a dream where Avril Lavigne and I sat in the back of a van for hours and...had conversations.
posted by Bwentman at 11:59 AM on November 15, 2012

I have had a few dreams that would make Tinto Brass turn away, with a cast of thousands a bunch. But, unfortunately, in my dreams there's usually a quick cut and I get afterglow without the sweaty stuff.

Famous stars? A fusion of Hackers and Gia Jolie, I think a couple with Alison Brie, and...Well, how much truth do I have to tell?
posted by Samizdata at 12:13 PM on November 15, 2012

A fusion of Hackers and Gia Jolie

Maybe I'm too gay to have an opinion that counts on this on this but I like to think that everybody who has an Angelina Jolie dream is having it with that version.

Speaking of embarrassing admissions, I just Googled to see if there was such a thing as Violent Femmes-promo edition Pepsi.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:26 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't have dreams that involve actual sex, but sometimes find myself in a relationship with Courtney Love. (She's totally sweet and really a smart, loving person behind her brash public persona, in my dream.) We're inevitably on Ellen talking about our love, and sing a song together.*

* As my wife will inevitably read this, can someone send me the names of good divorce attorneys in WA? Can't blame her.
posted by maxwelton at 12:28 PM on November 15, 2012

I once performed oneiric cunnilingus on Sandra Bullock.

She enjoyed it, as I recall.
posted by Dr. Wu at 12:56 PM on November 15, 2012

This reminds me of a joke my friend's dad told her...

Q: What's the worst possible thing you could hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
A: I'm not Willie Nelson.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:05 PM on November 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

kinnakeet: "Fascinating.

Believe it or not, I've only ever had one, and it stopped short of sex.

When I was a teenager, I had an inexplicable crush on W.C. Fields. Not the old, puffy, alcoholic Fields, but rather the young and talented juggler/artist nicknamed "Whitey".

One night, I dreamed that Fields showed up to see me, in person. I was overwhelmed and wanted to go right up to him and touch him. But he cautioned me that he smelled very, very bad, and that I needed to stay a good distance away from him. We then had an oddly charming conversation and I woke up feeling most peculiar."

It's going to take a lot of e-Bleach to scrub my username of this.
posted by wcfields at 1:12 PM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Mark Zuckerberg (played by Jesse Eisenberg in-dream) and I were engaged to be married. We had sex in my office and then he handed me two gallon sized Ziplocs, one full of cocaine and the other full of weed, in lieu of an engagment ring. IIRC, I was pretty pleased with the deal.

Much better than the time I dreamt Stanley from "The Office" was begging to perform oral sex on me. :(
posted by peacrow at 1:14 PM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Much better than the time I dreamt Stanley from "The Office" was begging to perform oral sex on me. :(

Strange because isn't he the character who always DOESN'T want to go the extra mile?
posted by sweetkid at 1:28 PM on November 15, 2012

I've had weird sex dreams about both Jack Nicholson (after seeing Terms of Endearment as a teen) and Bill Murray. None had any detail, which makes sense, since I was a virgin at the time of both, but both totally weirded me out. Although yeah, I had a crush on Bill Murray when I was very young because he just seemed so FUNNY and nice and real. Then there was also that scene in Stripes, which I saw way too young, where he was chasing a girl with an ice cream scooper, and I was like, "What on earth do men do to women with THOSE?" It was like a super secret sex thing I caught a glimpse of, I thought, and I spent years quietly trying to puzzle it out before eventually realizing he was not going to actually do anything with it, he was just being pervy and silly.
posted by routergirl at 1:47 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Bill Murray, (Lost in Translation vibe, but Groundhog Dayish in appearance)
Richard Dreyfuss (circa The Goodbye Girl)

Your dreams are like What About Bob? slash-fiction.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 2:00 PM on November 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

I had a dream just the other night that Ed O'Neill had kidnapped me and was going to torture me to death using splintered wood. What?
posted by anoirmarie at 2:02 PM on November 15, 2012

I had a dream shortly after Bill Clinton was elected that we had sex in the back of a limo, but afterward I was all sad and disillusioned because I admired him so much.
posted by JoanArkham at 2:05 PM on November 15, 2012

Since everyone else is doing it: I fell asleep watching The Big Lebowski once and had a strange, liminal state make out session with Dude-d out Jeff Bridges.
posted by The Whelk at 2:07 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Pretty sure all Lebowski-related dreams are required to be Busby Berkeley-esque bowling alley scenarios featuring Saddam Hussein.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:12 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I had a dream shortly after Bill Clinton was elected that we had sex in the back of a limo

Are you 100% sure this was a dream? They don't call him Slick Willie for nothing.
posted by nathancaswell at 2:12 PM on November 15, 2012

IMPORTANT QUESTION: Does The Whelk count as a celebrity y/n

Y, definitely. My husband and I call The Whelk "our internet boyfriend".

Robert Redford is my friend in dreams. Not with benefits, just my friend.

Clive Owen. In a warehouse. With benefits. But I was mostly worried about how dusty everything was and couldn't really relax.
posted by biscotti at 2:13 PM on November 15, 2012

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Close your eyes, give me your hand
Darling
can you feel my heart
beating
do you understand, do you feel the same?
Am i only dreaming, is this burning
an eternal flaeeeme?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

aahh, PSHhh.. PShh...pshh
WHAT? Oh Shit, i'm so sorry Sue, i really didn't mean to put it out....

Wet dreams can be so embarrassing...
posted by The Dot at 2:15 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have never had a celebrity sex dream. How does one go about it?
posted by Bwithh at 2:19 PM on November 15, 2012

first, get a tumblr account.
posted by The Whelk at 2:20 PM on November 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

I once dreamed I was secretly married to Matt Smith, only he kept lying to the press about it. We had a lot of awesome angry sex over the issue, though.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:45 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

When I was 14, I had a dream that I was at a sleep-away camp in the Appalachians and Tom Cruise and I had sex in a bathtub. A really plain bathtub with a plastic shower curtain. I was noticeably surprised we could fit in the tub together.

This dream can only be explained by the fact that Mission Impossible was my go-to make-out movie at the time. I must've watched it...a lot. Let's just say, a lot.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 2:51 PM on November 15, 2012

Gates McFadden. She was Beverly Crusher, and she was spectacular.
posted by googly at 3:18 PM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have definitely had celebrity sex dreams, but I can't remember any off the top of my head. What amuses me more is that I have dreams about real people in my life, but they're played by celebrities. Like, it'll be a dream about my dad, but he's played by Jerry Orbach.
posted by not that girl at 3:24 PM on November 15, 2012

Both Johns of They Might Be Giants. At once. Assuming they count as celebrities. That's the only one I can recall, probably about 13 or 14 years ago. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it, and it feels strange to do so.

On a side note, whenever I've been in a relationship, I've never had a dream about having sex with anyone other than my SO, however I tend to have a number of dreams in which sex is offered and I turn it down because "I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend." As such, I have had dreams about declining sex with celebrities, but I can't recall whom off the top of my head.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 3:43 PM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh man I just remembered my super embarrassing yet awesome dream wherein Alexander Skarsgard and I both inherited an equal share of a Nordic B&B that was also a dragon preserve and there were many stupid romcom shenanigans and a lot of community judgment for my apparent lack of magical skills and lots of pep talks and consolations from friendly baby dragons and eventually he and I were about to have a lot of freaky magical sex and then I woke up feeling hugely disappointed and betrayed by my psyche and by the universe in general.

Also there was a moment of extreme panic when I realized I did not know how to properly prepare preserved whale tongue for the hungry guests at the B&B.
posted by elizardbits at 4:17 PM on November 15, 2012 [7 favorites]

My crushes (celebrity and otherwise) only show up in my dreams to reject me. Luckily, it doesn't happen often, but that is what inevitably takes place. In one dream, Rik Mayall made fun of me for being attracted to him, and even in the dream state I thought: subconscious, please, am I really being spurned by Rik Mayall?

(A note aside: this week, I dreamed that I checked the Metafilter homepage and saw a gruesome, haunting FPP about a personage known as the Porridge Killer of Amsterdam. I was slightly disappointed to find out that that is not a real thing.)
posted by Countess Elena at 4:19 PM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Also there was the dream where Vladimir Putin was super jealous that I had broken up with him to date Iron Man and he tried to win me back by wrestling tigers shirtlessly but let's face it that is not nearly as impressive as the Helicarrier.
posted by elizardbits at 4:20 PM on November 15, 2012

Man, when I was 12, I would have killed for a Beverly Crusher sex dream.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:21 PM on November 15, 2012

Oh yeah and once I dreamed that me and Tom Hardy were vampire space hookers that were naturally also intergalactic spies.

i will not be sharing any further details of this dream.
posted by elizardbits at 4:35 PM on November 15, 2012

I had a wonderful dream where I was asked to fill in on drums for The Fall and Mark E Smith ended up sucking away on my ear and neck with his toothless gums and lizard tongue.
posted by kittensofthenight at 4:44 PM on November 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

Go on...

Star Trek Tom Hardy, Normal Tom Hardy, or Beefed Up Bane Tom Hardy?
posted by Mezentian at 4:44 PM on November 15, 2012

There was the dream in which everyone thought I was Dick Clark*, but there wasn't any sex involved.

* See, I had fallen into a coma in my sleep that night and, lacking a cure for whatever ailed me, was cryogenically frozen only to be thawed and cured 300 years later on the moon. Due to both a records mixup and what they presumed to be the psychological effects of my treatment, nobody would believe me when I told them I wasn't Dick Clark.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 4:46 PM on November 15, 2012

I think I want to live in elizardbits' REM state.
posted by The Whelk at 4:52 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

INCEPTION TOM HARDY OBVSLY

hnnng
posted by elizardbits at 4:59 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling.
posted by The Whelk at 5:01 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

dream tom hardy is both a shower and a grower and i am really REALLY not discussing this any further shut up shut up
posted by elizardbits at 5:04 PM on November 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

Both Johns of They Might Be Giants. At once.

A 3j.
posted by The Whelk at 5:06 PM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

i had about a year when i had sex with qeii
posted by PinkMoose at 6:26 PM on November 15, 2012

Alice Cooper, when I was a teen. No sex, but he saved me from some sort of peril, and he fell in loooove with me, and it was wonderful and beautiful and Alice Cooper looooooved me. I had never heard his music before, but I after that I couldn't hear a song of his without a little heart flutter.
posted by Cloudberry Sky at 6:44 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I once read somewhere that Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell shared a suite (along with their entourage) when they visited Rio (or it might have been another city), and they called a dealer who delivered a huge bag of blow. Supposedly as soon as they paid him for the coke, they basically pushed him out the door.

So a week later I dreamt I was with them during that encounter, and the three of us went into the bathroom and were snorting up huge rails, making out ravenously and groping each other, on the verge of having sex. Then I woke up abruptly. Biggest anticlimax of my life. I tried so hard to go back to sleep and continue the dream, sadly to no avail.
posted by Devils Slide at 7:14 PM on November 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

i had about a year when i had sex with qeii

The Queen Elizabeth II?

It takes all types, I suppose.
posted by Mezentian at 8:39 PM on November 15, 2012

She seems like a pretty nice girl.
posted by The Whelk at 8:53 PM on November 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Paddington the bear.... Jumper cables.... Just saying.
posted by I love you more when I eat paint chips at 9:31 PM on November 15, 2012

I had a sex dream with Bill Clinton back in the 90s (I was kind of shocked. I have never thought of myself as the kind of woman who is attracted to politicians. I'm much more likely to want to throw rotting vegetables at them.) and then in about 2010 I had one starring Barack Obama. They were fairly similar but in the second one we sat on the edge of the bed afterwards and agonized about Michelle. "I can't believe I did this," I said despondently, "I really love her."
"So do I," agreed Barack, "we should never speak of this again."
Sex dream complete with guilt. Can't beat it.

Oh and in my youth I had a very special recurring dream relationship with Mick Jagger but that is sacred and we shall not speak of it. Except to say that I believe that is how I figured out at age 14 that I was in fact heterosexual.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:47 PM on November 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

I recently had a dream with Angela Joli in bed with me...we were making out, and suddenly I realized it was her...I asked her how she happened to come to be there, and she turned away,
saying: "I don't want to talk about it." So, I blew it! And then I woke up.
posted by eggtooth at 9:06 AM on November 18, 2012

I was Keanu Reeves' grandmother.
posted by iamleda at 4:13 AM on November 30, 2012 [1 favorite]