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November 25, 2012 6:18 AM   Subscribe

If your friends acted like your pets, you might not keep them around. (SLYT)
posted by griphus (66 comments total) 49 users marked this as a favorite

 
Helper dog is helpful!
posted by drlith at 6:42 AM on November 25, 2012


I already have friends that act like this, only worse. I call them "children".
posted by DU at 6:43 AM on November 25, 2012 [18 favorites]


Not nearly enough anus showing from cat man.
posted by nathancaswell at 6:45 AM on November 25, 2012 [42 favorites]


My New Shelter Dog is a single-minded retriever. I brought you a ball. I brought you a bone. I brought you a stuffed thing that squeaks. I brought you a rope. I brought you a bit of tissue I grabbed out of the trash can. I brought you another ball. It's a really good ball. I'll just climb onto your lap and put it in your ear for you. There. I brought you another stuffed thing that squeaks. You don't want these things? Do you still love me? You still love me, right? I need to eat. I haven't eaten in years. Decades. Also I have a ball.

I don't know where he found it, but he's turned up a football. I have never gotten one for a dog. I honestly have no idea how he got hold of the thing. He adores it, of course, because he can fit it into his giant thylacine jaws. I have a funny shaped ball. It is a good ball. Do you want it?

Which is why, when I saw Dog Dude bring up a football, I totally lost it.
posted by cmyk at 6:52 AM on November 25, 2012 [84 favorites]


Cat Dude forgot to pee in the toilet while Man Dude was cleaning it.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:01 AM on November 25, 2012 [9 favorites]


Metafilter: I brought you a ball. I brought you a bone. I brought you a stuffed thing that squeaks. I brought you a rope. I brought you a bit of tissue I grabbed out of the trash can. I brought you another ball. It's a really good ball. I'll just climb onto your lap and put it in your ear for you. There. I brought you another stuffed thing that squeaks. You don't want these things? Do you still love me? You still love me, right? I need to eat. I haven't eaten in years. Decades. Also I have a ball.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:08 AM on November 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


I loved the cat just walking across both dog and man while they were on the couch.
posted by King Bee at 7:09 AM on November 25, 2012 [8 favorites]


I think my favorite part of that was when the Cat Dude woke up the guy and told him they were out of food.
posted by royalsong at 7:09 AM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


This whole video was fantastic. Huge fan of this team now.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:09 AM on November 25, 2012


That was hilarious.

But in fairness, we weren't shown the the equivalent from the pets' POV. In which the friends (attempt to) exert total control over our eating, eliminating, and choice of amusement - issuing their directives in incomprehensible gibberish.
posted by Egg Shen at 7:19 AM on November 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


Lawyer up.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:25 AM on November 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


I loved the cat man, I was waiting for him to jump up on the kitchen counter. My cat sits on the newspaper while I try to read it.
posted by JujuB at 7:27 AM on November 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


It was missing the scene where they get a mouse and the do loses his shit in excitement, the cat is all like hey, my kinda problem, knocks a munch of things over in the fight and then fifteen minutes later the owner is cringing as the cat is doing things to the mouse that violate international standards for torture.
posted by Phalene at 7:37 AM on November 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


Wow, thanks! Watching the whole library by these guys now... Lovin' it! :)
posted by pla at 7:45 AM on November 25, 2012


Cat jumped up on my desk and stood in front of the monitor while I was watching this.
posted by dhartung at 7:50 AM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Aw, it's missing Fish Man. Who spends all his time in whatever corner you stuck him in, digging around underneath himself to see if that thing is food, but it's usually just crap, and he has to keep trying because he's not certain, because food might have appeared.

But maybe if he kept crapping in that spot, then maybe it wouldn't be crap, huh? Ever thought about that, fish? Have you? No, it's just gravel in the mouth, nope, that's crap, repeat repeat repeat.

You're lucky you're so shiny, because you are dumb as hell.
posted by Katemonkey at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


This was great, but they left out a lot...

Oh my god guys, there's a bird outside the window! It's so close, I could get it... [Throws self at window] Damn, it flew away. One of these days I'm going to get one.

Hey, we're still out of cereal. Are you going to get some? Because it's almost 6:00.

Hey, who's that guy walking down the sidewalk? Get out of here! Do you live here? No! So get out! Go! Don't make me come out there!

[Opens can of vegetables] [Cat man appears] Wow, what are you making? It looks so good! Can I have some?

Hey, don't forget the cereal. It's 6:05 now. I'm still waiting.

posted by gueneverey at 8:10 AM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


That was really well done. I laughed out loud several times. The cat dude did a good job of being skittish. I loved it when, after jerkishly walking over them sitting on the couch, he sat down and then ... jerkishly rustled the newspaper.

Oh god I miss my cat.
posted by onlyconnect at 8:48 AM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


Human guy: Opens UPS package, sets box on counter.

Cat guy: Immediately climbs in box.
posted by FelliniBlank at 8:48 AM on November 25, 2012 [9 favorites]


My roommates and I have a running joke that our cat is the 5th roommate and we tell stories about him like he's the worst housemate ever. Things like, "my roommate hid in the bathroom this morning and jumped out at me when I was in the shower," and "my roommate drinks all my coffee when I leave it out." I've never fooled anyone, but I once came pretty close with "my roommate took my tuna sandwich right off my plate"
The cat guy with the glass of milk was absolutely perfect. My cat makes that exact face and uses the same motion to knock glasses, pens, etc off my desk when he gets bored.
side note: is drinking coffee bad for cats? I can't seem to keep my cat away from mine. Even if I use a cup with a lid he licks around the edge of the lid for drips like he's just crawled 50 miles through the desert and this is the first water he's seen in 2 days.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 8:52 AM on November 25, 2012 [19 favorites]


Obviously these people have no real experience with cats. You don't try to discourage horking on the tile floor, you reward it. It's horking on the carpet that is the problem.
posted by caryatid at 8:53 AM on November 25, 2012 [24 favorites]


I liked cat guy hanging back and furtively flipping off guests.
posted by XMLicious at 8:54 AM on November 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


This was my first set of college roommates with little exaggeration.
posted by cmoj at 9:16 AM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Cat guy got the cat look down well. Translates as screw you, you work for me. Should have had belly rubs where you suddenly find a ten pound cat attached to your arm as he gets overexcited.
posted by arcticseal at 9:16 AM on November 25, 2012


Cat guy needed to wait until an entire room full of people was looking at him, then nonchalantly lick his ass.
posted by Specklet at 9:22 AM on November 25, 2012 [6 favorites]


martinX's bellbottoms : side note: is drinking coffee bad for cats? I can't seem to keep my cat away from mine.

Caffeine has an LD50 of 200mg/kg in cats (and dogs, and strangely enough humans). Similar for theobromine (the caffeine-like compound in chocolate, though humans can take MUCH more of that, around 1g/kg).

A cup of normal coffee has up to 180mg of caffeine.

It will therefore take 5 cups of coffee to kill a typical 10lb cat, on average.

However - Note the words "kill" and "average". For a 150lb human, it'd take somewhere around 75 cups all at once to outright kill you. How do you feel after only half that, 35 cups? None too good, I'd expect.

Anyway, the quick-and-dirty of this, a bit of coffee won't kill your cat. But you should still try to avoid giving her any.
posted by pla at 9:39 AM on November 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


I can't seem to keep my cat away from mine.

Are we talking about coffee here or coffee-flavored milk?
posted by SomaSoda at 9:51 AM on November 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'd like to see cat-man and dog-man have a discussion about where their testicles went.

"So, I just woke up one day, in this weird place..."
"You too!?! I thought it was just me!"
"The last thing I remember was going for a drive with that other guy..."
"Oh my god this is uncanny!"
posted by The River Ivel at 9:54 AM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Who would you rather have - this or this?
posted by growabrain at 9:54 AM on November 25, 2012


Both, obviously. What kind of sick trick question is this?
posted by Navelgazer at 9:56 AM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Are we talking about coffee here or coffee-flavored milk?
No more than a tablespoon of milk per 12 oz mug. He'll drink black coffee just as happily though. When I still drank plain milk he would drink that too, but he wasn't as crazy about it as coffee. Cats are just assholes sometimes.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 10:07 AM on November 25, 2012


I have a cat with a memory like no other. My best friend she hates because she remembers how he introduced her to my two other cats. If he says hello to her, she hisses and snarls. If she had the dexterity, she'd be giving him the finger every time he visits.
posted by angrycat at 10:26 AM on November 25, 2012


also, what the fuck is it with cats and paper. if i have a sheet of paper out anywhere in the house, a cat will sit on it.
posted by angrycat at 10:27 AM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


Yeah, I just recovered from a feline assault on my breakfast plate (unsuccessful stealing of bacon). Now I am getting the soul-stealing death stare from across the room.
posted by medeine at 10:39 AM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Cat jumped up on my desk and stood in front of the monitor while I was watching this.

As I was watching this, my cat stepped on my laptop and turned the image sideways.

Fucking cats.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


also, what the fuck is it with cats and paper. if i have a sheet of paper out anywhere in the house, a cat will sit on it.

Same reason they walk in front of monitors and lay on keyboards. They're anti-literacy.

(Cat is sitting on my lap and started head butting me while I was typing this.)
posted by desjardins at 11:00 AM on November 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


Hahhh yes, I love this because of the phenomenon I notice with cat owners: the almost never say "my cat is so awesome!" Almost all of the things they say about their cats are negative.
posted by eustacescrubb at 11:06 AM on November 25, 2012


Cat jumped up on my desk and stood in front of the monitor while I was watching this.

As I was watching this, my cat stepped on my laptop and turned the image sideways.

Fucking cats.


If it was a Mac, send pics?
posted by limeonaire at 11:08 AM on November 25, 2012


When I still drank plain milk he would drink that too, but he wasn't as crazy about it as coffee. Cats are just assholes sometimes.

He would drink it? At least it didn't go to waste. Mine would just stick his paw in whatever liquid was left out without a lid on it and then lick his paw. His paw that also digs around in the litter box. Trying to warn guests that they should never, ever, never, ever put their drink down at a party? Well, yeah. Sorry, friends.
posted by jeanmari at 11:21 AM on November 25, 2012


Hahhh yes, I love this because of the phenomenon I notice with cat owners: the almost never say "my cat is so awesome!" Almost all of the things they say about their cats are negative.
Huh? My cats are awesome. There you go!
posted by sweetkid at 11:24 AM on November 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


my cats are SOOOOOOO awesome and I totally love them all day
posted by supermedusa at 11:36 AM on November 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


I think it's a lot like kids. People bond about the annoying and stupid things they do only to say "OH BUT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH," possibly for parasite-based reasons. The cats, not the kids. Well, I have my suspicions about the kids.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:49 AM on November 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


also, what the fuck is it with cats and paper. if i have a sheet of paper out anywhere in the house, a cat will sit on it.

Well somebody has to sit on it, and you're certainly not.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:00 PM on November 25, 2012 [13 favorites]


Not nearly enough anus showing from cat man.

Beg to differ.
posted by trip and a half at 12:16 PM on November 25, 2012


Yeah, for maximum realism cat dude should have been rubbing his anus on every available surface of the house and dog dude should have been slurping ecstatically at his own nuts with a really obscene look of contentment on his face.
posted by elizardbits at 12:18 PM on November 25, 2012


I don't know where he found it, but he's turned up a football. I have never gotten one for a dog. I honestly have no idea how he got hold of the thing.

I looked outside one day and the dogs were running around the yard like maniacs with a hatchet. I don't own a hatchet. Well I do now I guess, but I didn't prior to that.
posted by fshgrl at 12:30 PM on November 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


I got distracted noticing that one of the paintings in one of the scenes is the same as the one hanging in my bathroom.

This video also reminded me of why I am happily petfree. (I love cats. Especially other peoples'.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:00 PM on November 25, 2012


This ... video ... would ... benefit from quicker pacing.
posted by zippy at 1:05 PM on November 25, 2012


Huh. Pacing in this sort of video usually bugs me, but I thought this one nailed it.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:17 PM on November 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am actually laughing out loud in a coffee shop. This is great! Perfect depiction of my current household.
posted by radioamy at 1:44 PM on November 25, 2012


Oh man that made me laugh. We are a cat and dog household, so it is all very familiar to me (though our cats are quite affectionate and not very aloof at all).

100% agree that the cat was far too compliant, throwing up on an easily cleaned surface. For maximum realism, he should have started the ack-ack-ack in the kitchen and then bolted over to barf on the carpet. Repeatedly.

Also they should have shown what happens when you go to the bathroom. Dog friend and cat friend would follow you in--dog friend out of concern, to make sure you don't flush yourself down the toilet, and cat friend to sit on the edge of the tub and slo-o-owly reach over and pat you on the face while you are sitting trapped on the toilet.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:46 PM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


My cats love watching the water swirl around the bowl after it flushes, too.
posted by sweetkid at 1:51 PM on November 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Outtake #1: Human tears off sheet of tin foil, cat dude flips out and runs screaming uncontrollably from kitchen in a psychotic rage.

Outtake #2: Human is quietly watching TV while cat dude walks up and starts nuzzling human's hand persistently and annoyingly until human agrees to start scratching cat dudes neck. Scratching continues for 2 minutes and 30 seconds until cat dude suddenly bites down *hard* on human scratching arm, indicating the end of neck scratch time.

Outtake #3: Cat dude comes upon a wadded up ball of tape. He goes to pick up ball of tape only to find tape sticks inexplicably to hand. Cat dude spends rest of day trying to appear nonchalant while every 30 seconds attempting to shake tape from hand.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 2:20 PM on November 25, 2012 [10 favorites]


the almost never say "my cat is so awesome!" Almost all of the things they say about their cats are negative.

It's because cats are so objectively great that it goes without saying.
posted by JHarris at 2:42 PM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


I'm not an animal person (I know, shun the nonbeliever) but my boyfriend looooves cats. I showed him this video and he laughed so hard that he turned beet-red and started wheezing. Then he left the room, peeked around the corner, flipped me off, and ran away. I think that's a rave review!
posted by Aquifer at 2:58 PM on November 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


Dog friend and cat friend would follow you in--dog friend out of concern, to make sure you don't flush yourself down the toilet...

My Obsessive Retriever has to accompany me into the bathroom and then stand in the tub. Carrying a toy. He must be guarding me from the scary scary tub drain.
posted by cmyk at 3:09 PM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


My cats are awesome! Which doesn't mean that they're not arseholes, or aloof, or aggravating every once in a while.

I liked cat guy hanging back and furtively flipping off guests.
Oh yeah, that's a thing around here, too.

Obsessive Retriever! I love it. The Golden and Lab breeds have been officially renamed in this household
posted by BlueHorse at 3:47 PM on November 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


They forgot the part where catfriend waits under your bed then jumps out and bites your ankles as you walk by.

Also the part where dogfriend instinctively sits whenever he hears a bag rustling in the hopes of a treat
posted by pugh at 4:07 PM on November 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


My Obsessive Retriever has to accompany me into the bathroom and then stand in the tub. Carrying a toy. He must be guarding me from the scary scary tub drain.

My vizsla likes to scratch his back on the soap dish thingie hanging off the wall of the tub.

I do have cats, but they aren't particularly notable in their behavior. The largest one - a 30 lb, 3ft long ragdoll - is very lazy. I joke that after he dies, we'll make him into a rug and just move it around the house. We'll never know the difference.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 4:18 PM on November 25, 2012


I love the cat-friend hallway greeting ending in a panicked scramble. As I have learned over the years (most recently last night as I was carrying Mallomar the 4 month old kitten down the stairs -- something she has been totally OK about up to now), even the calmest, most laid-back cat is always approximately 1.5 seconds from going completely batshitinsane with terror and turning into a crazed whirling dervish of razor-sharp claws when you least expect it.

My neck and arm look like I was in a wrestling match with a raspberry bush. And it's totally unpredictable. A month or two ago, I had to induce vomiting in my year old kitty Graham because he might have ingested Something Bad (false alarm, whew). And he let me give him spoonfuls of peroxide and then tote him around the house massaging his belly and jouncing him up and down for 20 minutes to . . . produce the desired effect. All without so much as a feline dirty look. It's kind of a relief to have the dogs around as a known quantity.
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:23 PM on November 25, 2012


martinX's bellbottoms: "My roommates and I have a running joke that our cat is the 5th roommate and we tell stories about him like he's the worst housemate ever. Things like, "my roommate hid in the bathroom this morning and jumped out at me when I was in the shower," and "my roommate drinks all my coffee when I leave it out." I've never fooled anyone, but I once came pretty close with "my roommate took my tuna sandwich right off my plate"
The cat guy with the glass of milk was absolutely perfect. My cat makes that exact face and uses the same motion to knock glasses, pens, etc off my desk when he gets bored.
side note: is drinking coffee bad for cats? I can't seem to keep my cat away from mine. Even if I use a cup with a lid he licks around the edge of the lid for drips like he's just crawled 50 miles through the desert and this is the first water he's seen in 2 days.
"

I tell people about my deadbeat roommate all the time. Won't get a job, won't do housework, lays around the house all day, when I come home it's all "me, me, me". Hell, he can't even fix his own meals! And, worst things is he's a seriously dedicated old school Chinese Communist. The only thing he says, over and over, is "Mao."
posted by Samizdata at 6:23 PM on November 25, 2012 [7 favorites]


growabrain: "Who would you rather have - this or this?"

Both looked DELICIOUS!
posted by Samizdata at 6:25 PM on November 25, 2012


I loved the cat just walking across both dog and man while they were on the couch.

That is where I lost it. Zach also had the unique ability to step directly on my kidneys as he was walking across my lap.

Cat jumped up on my desk and stood in front of the monitor while I was watching this.

One time Zach jumped up on my desk and sat down on my hand as it rested on the mouse. When they want you to stop they let you know.

I also once speculated that the knocking things off desks is a cat form of scientific inquiry - they occasionally have to knock something off a desk to confirm that gravity still works.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:54 AM on November 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yes, the only reason we have not seen any peer reviewed cat science journals is that thus far they have not figured out how to type. Also tbh I think their idea of peer review is pooping on stuff they don't like.
posted by elizardbits at 11:45 AM on November 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Don't be silly, elizardbits, that's poo-er review.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 2:09 PM on November 26, 2012


> possibly for parasite-based reasons

I was just recently diagnosed with this one - for a while I was really quite worried about my swollen lymph nodes. And there! That's why I seem to be in love with the cat despite the fact that I ought to despise it for putting me through so much stress...

Stop messing with my mind parasites AHHH
posted by movicont at 3:28 PM on November 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


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