Comments on: I: is all you can say is purple? p: yes.

I: is all you can say is purple? p: yes.

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:18:42 -0800

"I moderate jokes on a Kids Jokes website. A lot of joke submissions can't be published because they're offensive, not suitable for children or don't make any sense... so I publish them here instead: Bad Kid's Jokes "

By: Think_Long

Think_Long — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:21:22 -0800

what did the women do in bed when she heard the alarm going off? poo her pants This is fucking golden.

By: yoink

yoink — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:22:09 -0800

This is vaguely like reading YouTube comment threads.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:23:21 -0800

You Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers I am laughing really unreasonably hard.

By: figurant

figurant — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:23:30 -0800

"Your mum is so stupid, she bought tickets to XBOX Live" is pretty good.

By: sparklemotion

sparklemotion — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:23:51 -0800

YO MAMMA SO UGLY SHE MADE HELLO KITTY SAY GOOD BYE I am getting all of my material from this site from now on.

By: jonp72

jonp72 — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:24:23 -0800

Kid's humor is a category of its own. Here's what my nieces (now, 5 and 7) used to think was a hilarious knock-knock joke: Niece 1: Knock knock Niece 2: Who's there? Niece 1: Wolf Niece 2: Wolf who? Niece 1: Wolf and cow went to a party. [Pause a beat.] FART! I don't know whether to tell them they're doing it wrong or encourage them to write scripts for the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:26:11 -0800

Obama Why Obama when he goes to the bathroom does he not close the door? because he don't want to hide anything from his people #politics Good job almost a joke good work proud of you.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:26:13 -0800

Knock Knock knock knock my penas and butt I've heard this told a few different ways, but this is the canonical version.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:26:35 -0800

What Do U what do u call a dickhead a dickhead This seems like a deeply profound statement though.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:27:01 -0800

OMG the lollipop one is amazing. made me laugh out loud. It's wonderfully absurd!

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:27:30 -0800

Think_Long: "what did the women do in bed when she heard the alarm going off? poo her pants This is fucking golden." Midas Poop, kid... You got it. You're going places.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:27:44 -0800

THis is the one, actually headed as 'chicken': Chicken why did the chicken cross the road? because he wanted to shag the lollipop lady

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:28:02 -0800

elizardbits: "You Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers I am laughing really unreasonably hard." I think I saw that on a fetish site once.

By: jeudi

jeudi — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:28:19 -0800

doctor doctor i fell over get back up then cheese face "cheese face" is an excellent way to end any joke.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:28:53 -0800

Cheese doctor doctor i fell over get back up then cheese face This is some serious theatre of the absurd shit. Ionescu is writhing with avarice in his grave.

By: unSane

unSane — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:30:31 -0800

What goes on the motor way at 90 miles an hour? a baked bean in a jug

By: FatherDagon

FatherDagon — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:31:11 -0800

John has 32 cookies he eats 28 of them what does he have diabetes That is actually a decent legit joke. Still not quite as good as 'my penas and butt', but a fairly solid entry.

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:31:16 -0800

@symbioid yeah, when they're making these jokes, could they make sure to have their hands not in their pockets and preferably at chest level and then they start rubbing and i regret saying that

By: cherryflute

cherryflute — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:32:03 -0800

I heard most of these at dinner with 5,6, and 7 year olds last night(well, pretty close)...plus the 7 year old holding burger in her mouth until it was liquid...comedy gold!(sic)

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:32:21 -0800

a man found a raisin in the woods. "what a funny looking raisin." "im not a raisin im just an ant with no legs." Burying the lede there kid its a goddamn talking ant!

By: koeselitz

koeselitz — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:32:23 -0800

Mister_A: “OMG the lollipop one is amazing. made me laugh out loud. It's wonderfully absurd!” That one tipped me off that these seem to come from the UK. I'm not sure if it's funnier now that I remember what a lollipop lady is.

By: antonymous

antonymous — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:32:46 -0800

This one had me laughing hysterically: mum; we can eat camels you know honey dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS Also when I read these I hear the voice of a 5-year-old in my head

By: mcstayinskool

mcstayinskool — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:32:49 -0800

Dear mods I know this goes against policy but I want my handle changed from mcstayinskool to cheeseface kthxbye. Or poop.

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:32:53 -0800

Neil Armstrong is neil armstrong really strong? probberly because his last name explaines it all to me

By: WinnipegDragon

WinnipegDragon — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:35:00 -0800

I'm expecting half of these to end with "I hate you Milkman Dan".

By: sparklemotion

sparklemotion — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:35:05 -0800

A duck walks into a bar. A man runs out because its unnatural to have a duck in a bar. Probably for the best that no one has shown this kid The Wire Ziggy! No! Bad Ziggy!

By: Tesseractive

Tesseractive — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:35:08 -0800

The Moose Why did the moose go into the Coffee Shop? To fornicate with your mother!

By: MCMikeNamara

MCMikeNamara — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:35:14 -0800

I can't tell if the way I'm laughing at these means that I should have children or that I should never have children.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:36:09 -0800

Ahh lollipop lady! That isn't what I thought, it's still pretty damn funny though!

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:36:22 -0800

Naked On The Street why was the man naked on the street? Because the naked man thought that the street was his bathroom. Seriously this is basically the plot of Notre Dame des Fleurs.

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:36:35 -0800

Old Man why is it when a old man with one kid people thinks "stranger", but when its a old man with 20 kids people think "school trip" . im on to you old people

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:37:46 -0800

What's Your Name? this boy went to school, his teacher asked him "whats your name?" the boy said "i don't know". so that day he went to his mother and said "whats my name?" so she said cant you see that im tidying up!!! And that boy's name was EINSTEIN

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:38:00 -0800

"SHE needs to go in the bin 474844747474747474474747474 times" Did anybody else think really big numbers somehow made something that much funnier? I remember writing stories in 7th grade and for some reason just always used tons of numbers to amplify whatever it was. I guess I thought it was some form of absurdity? I'm not really sure why I thought it was necessary. But anybody else do similar things? I wonder what the explanation is.

By: MCMikeNamara

MCMikeNamara — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:38:01 -0800

Okay, I dug into the #parents tag hoping to get some good bad 'your mama' jokes and instead I was met with nightmare fuel of the Joan Crawford variety. What's Your Name? this boy went to school, his teacher asked him "whats your name?" the boy said "i don't know". so that day he went to his mother and said "whats my name?" so she said cant you see that im tidying up!!! Good Parenting Dad what is the square root of 144? WHO CARES!!?? YOU'RE GROUNDED Zigzags Mummy, mummy, why is dad running in zigzags? Shut up and keep shooting!

By: jcruelty

jcruelty — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:38:42 -0800

OMG my 3 year old daughter and I laugh our ass off to these jokes every night at dinner... w/ my wife playing the role of frowning straightman. hahaha POOP

By: 2N2222

2N2222 — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:39:16 -0800

Before about 3rd or 4th grade, my crowd pretty much only told dirty jokes, usually involving fucking, family members, animals, poop and such. They generally made sense, and were certainly offensive. Truthfully, however, they really were only suitable for children, ceasing to be funny well before puberty.

By: bongo_x

bongo_x — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:39:23 -0800

Worms docter docter i have worms in my garden i dont care cant you see im busy you are doing youre nails. This is deep, like a perfume commercial.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:40:52 -0800

Because I Like Pancakes there was an irish man an english man and a scottish man they went to the pub and the english man said "my daughter called easter because she was born on easter and the scottish man said "my son called valentine beacause he was born on valentines day and the irish man said " well my two twins are called pancake because i like pancakes then the inglish man and the scottish man beat the irish man up This is a very moving piece of social commentary.

By: TheWhiteSkull

TheWhiteSkull — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:41:20 -0800

The Aristo..crats?

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:42:16 -0800

what is pink and hangs up your pijamas your mother While I'd prefer "your parents" as the punchline, this is pretty great.

By: Kabanos

Kabanos — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:42:30 -0800

Because I Like Pancakes That's the one that made me spit my coffee.

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:42:51 -0800

what is a thunder cats favrite food? chips and poo and toilets Thudner cats r pretty cool we could b friends

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:44:17 -0800

New Law of the Land all jokes told by everyone must end with the teller going "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHA!"

By: dortmunder

dortmunder — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:44:21 -0800

Bill: "Look out your window, it is so sunny, go out to play" Bob: "NO, look out, your window!" Bill: "Why?" Bob: "Look out, it's about to hit you in the retina!" *sound of breaking retina* What does a breaking retina sound like? Is this a koan?

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:45:32 -0800

What has 2 legs, 2 arms and is still refusing to make me a sandwich? My Wife Damnit dad, get off the computer!

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:47:07 -0800

Seriously this entire site is making me feel simultaneously more stupid and yet somehow more enlightened. it's like tathāgatagarbha via poop jokes

By: catlet

catlet — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:48:00 -0800

Between this and the Real Letters link from the Powerball thread, I have been laughing immoderately for much of the day.

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:48:32 -0800

http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/tagged/naked Basically Infinite Jest

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:49:01 -0800

YO MAMA SO STUPID SHE WAS YELLING INSIDE OF A ENVELOPE AND SHE SAID SHE WAS SENDING A VOICEMAIL !!!!!! HAHAHAHA I'm pretty sure like half of these are from Chris Onstad, piss drunk at 3 A.M.

By: Pruitt-Igoe

Pruitt-Igoe — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:49:54 -0800

This one is almost a joke. It's not really funny, but the structure is there.

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:51:11 -0800

yo mama so stupid that she is literally made of poop

By: ninjew

ninjew — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:51:23 -0800

"your mums so fat when people drive round her they lose petrol" well, ok, but.. did you mean 'more' petrol? is this one of those times where if you have to explain the joke it isn't funny? "What has 2 legs, 2 arms and is still refusing to make me a sandwich? My Wife" i anxiously await the next line telling me where you'll be located all week

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:51:52 -0800

what do you call poop? yo mama

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:52:23 -0800

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD This one just automatically reads in a Mid-Atlantic English accent.

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:52:36 -0800

what happens when you eat 100 tacos and 500 foooodz? poop ---- Indeed, elizardbits, sometimes the most profound thing is the most obvious.

By: FatherDagon

FatherDagon — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:52:39 -0800

what did the toliet say to the robot ? I DONT KNOW I WASNT THERE WAS I !!! ----- i'm pretty sure a wizard cast level 10 'create hilarity' and all these jokes popped out

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:52:52 -0800

knock knock whos there immigrents go away ! Looks like the BNP's got a bright future!

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:53:49 -0800

what do you get when pee and poop have a babey a gros babey

By: Splunge

Splunge — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:54:20 -0800

Record a man thought he had the record for the smallest penis but came out of the record place saying "who the hell is Justin Beiber." Pure surrealist humor. Brilliant.

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:54:21 -0800

with no parents

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:55:10 -0800

why is the mash potato not cool? Beause it isnt wearing sun glasses.

By: catlet

catlet — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:55:14 -0800

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD I swear I heard this the other day as a Twilight joke.

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:56:40 -0800

Camels mum; we can eat camels you know honey dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS I honestly feel like I am not sophisticated enough to get this one.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:56:41 -0800

"the record place" see also: "the jerk store called," &c.

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:57:39 -0800

There was a man with a ham sandwich sitting on a bench in a park. Next to him was a woman with a dog, and the man said "can I throw him a bit?" The woman said "yes, OK", so the man picked the dog up and threw him in the pond. I'm not sure what was wrong with this one.

By: Flunkie

Flunkie — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:58:12 -0800

My penas and butt who?

By: goethean

goethean — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:58:39 -0800

who am i ??? i can make brown stuff. i put my face on the toylet. i might be disgusting. so who am i... i am your butt So true.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:59:10 -0800

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:00:02 -0800

i dont know flunkie who

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:00:05 -0800

I'm not sure what was wrong with this one. A clear violation of "Chekhov's sandwich."

By: Spatch

Spatch — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:01:04 -0800

roses are red violets are red tulips are red bushes are red trees are red oh god my gardens on fire Someone has a burgeoning career as my new favorite poet.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:01:12 -0800

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? where's my tractor? That is hilarious!

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:01:16 -0800

Flunkie: My penas and butt who? Extrapolating from the other jokes in the database, Nate Silver is 93% confident that the punchline is "your poop"

By: jbickers

jbickers — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:01:18 -0800

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire? Shut up and eat your soup Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup! Shut up, we only have it once a month o_O

By: tommasz

tommasz — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:02:10 -0800

I had tears in my eyes reading these. If you've had kids or been around them long enough this is exactly the kind of jokes they tell. Because poop.

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:03:06 -0800

@rock steady let him answer

By: pbrim

pbrim — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:03:17 -0800

Mummy, mummy, why is dad running in zigzags? Shut up and keep shooting! Ah, someone is trying to revive Mommy Mommy jokes I remember fondly from my youth. We thought they were hilarious, although my mom did not agree. Mommy, Mommy, I'm tired of running in circles! Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor! Mommy, Mommy, what if I don't like England? Shut up and keep swimming. Mommy, Mommy, where's Daddy? Shut up and drink your tomato juice before it clots! Mommy, Mommy, Daddy's on fire! Quick, get the marshmallows!

By: i_am_joe's_spleen

i_am_joe's_spleen — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:03:38 -0800

Kid fucked up the pajama joke. It has to be hangs out your pajamas. In fact the canonical version is "what's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your grandad's pajamas in the morning? your grandma". Which works best in a culture where people still hang laundry out on a line. I wonder if the person who entered this one got it wrong because they don't know about hanging out the washing.

By: jeudi

jeudi — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:03:43 -0800

Dinosaur Loving WHAT DO YOU DO IF A DINASUAR LOVES YOU YOU HIDE

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:03:46 -0800

Also I am quite glad to hear that yo' mama is alive and well.

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:05:11 -0800

Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?" Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo." Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother." Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother."

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:05:13 -0800

For mooses to fornicate with!

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:07:43 -0800

Villain, thou hast defecated upon mine fowl?

By: Navelgazer

Navelgazer — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:10:23 -0800

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? where's my tractor? That is hilarious! Oh god that one was probably my favorite joke as a child. It loses quite a bit without the delivery, let me tell you.

By: brain_drain

brain_drain — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:11:58 -0800

A few months ago my daughter learned a joke: Where do cows go on dates? To the mooooovies. Solid joke. She told it all the time and got a good response. Then she started with the variants: Where do sheep go on dates? To the baaaaavies. Where do frogs go on dates? To the riiiibbbittties. etc. I explained gently that, while these jokes are laudable efforts, they suck and cannot reasonably even be classified as jokes. A few weeks later, she tried a new one: Where do ghosts go on dates? To the booooovies. My heart burst with pride for my daughter's talent and intelligence while she ate some old breakfast cereal she peeled off the floor.

By: MCMikeNamara

MCMikeNamara — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:14:41 -0800

I don't know your daughter, but she might have been going for the "long con" laugh there. Keep your eye on that one.

By: never used baby shoes

never used baby shoes — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:16:35 -0800

you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers Is it Friday night already?

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:16:49 -0800

His daughter's name is Brick.

By: FAMOUS MONSTER

FAMOUS MONSTER — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:17:39 -0800

this is the most real thing, the most correct thing. thank you, internet. it was worth it. it was all worth it.

By: dlugoczaj

dlugoczaj — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:17:43 -0800

mum; we can eat camels you know honey dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS And then go fix me a turkey pot pie?

By: miss_kitty_fantastico

miss_kitty_fantastico — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:18:08 -0800

Why did Suzy's ice cream fall? She got hit by a bus. Knock Knock Who's there? Not suzy. she got hit by a bus. Because continuity is important.

By: Eicats

Eicats — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:18:30 -0800

Just reading throught the comments had me chuckling on the inside, until I came to this: roses are red violets are red tulips are red bushes are red trees are red oh god my gardens on fire Seriously laughing out loud now. Also, I'm pleasantly surprised to be learning new things from this thread: like what lollipop ladies are. Huh, enlightening and hilarious! It's the perfect post!

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:18:39 -0800

you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers you are about to be eaten by a ~~grue~~poo

By: backseatpilot

backseatpilot — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:20:11 -0800

If you've had kids or been around them long enough this is exactly the kind of jokes they tell. I have somehow endeared myself to my young cousins, and they revel in this sort of stuff. They find it especially funny when I admit that I don't understand the joke, as if they've pulled a fast one on me by telling me a joke that I didn't get. They also enjoy making me close my eyes and then hitting me and running away. Basically what I am say is children are sadists.

By: NoMich

NoMich — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:23:23 -0800

I feel like I'm at a Neil Hamburger show.

By: sweetkid

sweetkid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:24:21 -0800

Most of the kids I know are under two so they don't tell jokes yet.

By: TheWhiteSkull

TheWhiteSkull — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:24:40 -0800

BOY: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX OTHER BOY: THATS A BRICK YOU STUPID BOY: OH THATS WHY I CANT OPEN IT In my mind, I hear this in a loud monotone. I think it may actually be an excerpt from an unpublished Samuel Beckett play.

By: dr_dank

dr_dank — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:25:18 -0800

I favorited this so hard, mathowie has a bruise. At the next meetup, I just might pull up in a car with vanity plates that read "penasnbut".

By: Kabanos

Kabanos — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:25:33 -0800

Dinosaur Loving WHAT DO YOU DO IF A DINASUAR LOVES YOU YOU HIDE Like AskMe for kids.

By: FAMOUS MONSTER

FAMOUS MONSTER — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:25:36 -0800

if you shot down ten birds.how many would you have left? none I can't even, oh my God.

By: miss_kitty_fantastico

miss_kitty_fantastico — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:27:11 -0800

My new favourite game is to type "http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/tagged/" in my address bar, append whatever noun I can think of, and see what happens.

By: TheWhiteSkull

TheWhiteSkull — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:27:21 -0800

Also very specific to England: what do you call 2 pieces of bacon in your bum? a bacon butty.

By: routergirl

routergirl — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:27:36 -0800

These are hysterical. I was laughing so hard I was crying. My kids have made up a lot of these sort of jokes over the years and I've always encouraged them. My favorite is this one my son made up (one of the only ones that ever kind of made sense): Q: What did the Hulk say to broccoli? A: Why are you mad?

By: ninjew

ninjew — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:28:08 -0800

what did the poo say to sonic and shadow? nothing o_O

By: sweetkid

sweetkid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:31:33 -0800

BOY: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX OTHER BOY: THATS A BRICK YOU STUPID BOY: OH THATS WHY I CANT OPEN IT this is like my cats, except with my cats it goes: CAT: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX ME: THATS A BRICK YOU STUPID CAT HEARS: MFFFF GRRX UNINTELLIGIBLE PEOPLELANGUAGE CAT: I CANT WAIT TO OPEN THIS BOX

By: backseatpilot

backseatpilot — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:32:23 -0800

How does a man put an elephant in a freezer? fit him in not caring about size and smash the door in Sounds like how my coworkers do their design work.

By: Isingthebodyelectric

Isingthebodyelectric — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:34:47 -0800

It's like I've gone back in time to hang out with my nine year old cousin, whose favorite song used to be, "If you're happy and you know it, pick your nose and eat it!" To be fair, I encouraged it. And I was 24.

By: Blasdelb

Blasdelb — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:35:12 -0800

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." This is a shockingly profound statement on the roles of prayer and Universal Reconciliation in theology.

By: Navelgazer

Navelgazer — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:39:51 -0800

Between this post and this one from yesterday our surreal humor cup runneth over.

By: miss_kitty_fantastico

miss_kitty_fantastico — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:43:14 -0800

Between this post and this one from yesterday our surreal humor cup runneth over. TigerParentMaker?

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:45:27 -0800

"there is a guy called joe and there is a guy called fred. fred lives with joe. then one day when fred was done with the bathroom joe went in and when he came out he said what is this wolf shit" This actually happened to me in real life. It was actually pretty funny and we laughed a while. True story, bro.

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:47:51 -0800

And, (as usual) the Tumblr Archive page is the best way to browse the site.

By: Mr. Bad Example

Mr. Bad Example — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:49:55 -0800

Your brain is a poop bomb and you are a zombie and you are naked with your butt on fire and your butt in a girls face and you are wearing diapers Wasn't that Garth Ennis's working title for Preacher?

By: xedrik

xedrik — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:51:24 -0800

Aaaaand, Dane Cook just got like five more years of material.

By: rifflesby

rifflesby — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:53:08 -0800

Way To Stop A Criminal A criminal walked up to a victim but the victim said wait let me tell you a joke knock knock who's there? the police the police who the police are here now go to jail This is so postmodern I think my brain stopped.

By: Beardman

Beardman — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:54:08 -0800

knock knock whos there immigrents go away ! Elsewhere on the 47% tape.

By: mmrtnt

mmrtnt — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:54:34 -0800

Why thank you. I was running out of things to put in my Twitter feed.

By: Jonathan Harford

Jonathan Harford — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:54:37 -0800

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."
This is a shockingly profound statement on the roles of prayer and Universal Reconciliation in theology.

It's also an Emo Phillips joke.

By: teleri025

teleri025 — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:54:43 -0800

I love bad kid jokes. They are wonderful and make me giggle like a crazed five-year-old every time I hear one. Lucky for me I live in St. Louis, where children tell jokes on Halloween to get their candy and once a year I get to stock up on all the bad, poorly told, poorly conceived kid jokes I can handle. This year's winner of the kid most likely to be a Dadaist told me the following joke: Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? TOMATO! (Said while snagging a handful of candy and running down the sidewalk.)

By: Devils Rancher

Devils Rancher — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 11:59:45 -0800

My daughter's favorite joke by about age 8: There's two muffins in an oven, and the first muffin says "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?" and the other muffin says "Ahhh! A talking muffin!!"

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:04:49 -0800

I try to spend the least amount of time possible around children but I definitely recall that one of my friends' daughter's favourite jokes from about age 3 to age 10 was: knock knock who's there? *horrible farting noises repeated endlessly until peak hilarity is achieved* That joke is the best joke.

By: Sailormom

Sailormom — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:07:20 -0800

buttoast.

By: Cash4Lead

Cash4Lead — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:08:02 -0800

Louis CK: I love my kids. My daughter told me a joke the other day and she tells great jokes. They're not like anybody else's jokes. That's why I like them. I've been doing comedy for 25 years. I know every joke, even if I haven't heard it. You start to tell me a joke, I know how it's going to work. But her jokes, I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no idea. This is the joke she told me the other day. She said, "Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?" Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet? Already I love this joke. I love this joke. I have not heard this joke. This is a new joke for me. "Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?" And I said, "Who?" And she said, "Just the people who were in charge of that decision."

By: scaryblackdeath

scaryblackdeath — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:10:55 -0800

I got to the Hello Kitty line on the comment thread and now I have to turn away. I'm substitute teaching today and I can't be seen laughing this hard in front of middle schoolers. They'll demand an explanation, and then I'll be in serious trouble.

By: nickmark

nickmark — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:13:26 -0800

you are about to be eaten by a ~~grue~~ poo I swear my brother and I told that joke when we were seven and my dad got us a copy of Zork.

By: nickmark

nickmark — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:15:17 -0800

Mommy Mommy jokes I remember fondly from my youth I loved those too. Mommy, Mommy, why can't we get a garbage disposal? Shut up and keep chewing.

By: trip and a half

trip and a half — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:17:23 -0800

How There knock how there duck duck who chicken legs I love this site so much! Thank you!

By: showbiz_liz

showbiz_liz — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:18:51 -0800

I wonder if the person who entered this one got it wrong because they don't know about hanging out the washing. I love it when kids hear a joke, hear people laugh at the joke, realize 'oh wow if I tell this joke people will laugh,' but fail to actually understand why it's a joke. That's how I wound up telling my 1st grade teacher "If your Christmas tree doesn't fork, you might be a redneck!"

By: KathrynT

KathrynT — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:21:15 -0800

Im going Im going to get to the BOTTEM of this. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. My six-year-old is never going to stop laughing.

By: mmrtnt

mmrtnt — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:21:27 -0800

As a kid, I dearly loved this joke: A woman on a bus lost her jar of aspirin. She shouted, "My aspirins, my aspirins!" The bus driver yelled, "Hang it out the window until it cools off!"

By: DynamiteToast

DynamiteToast — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:25:23 -0800

Man this is like a gold mine for favorites.

By: Krazor

Krazor — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:25:47 -0800

The best joke I ever heard was told by a comedy duo onstage at an open mic night: First Guy: "What would you do to Skrillex that you wouldn't do to Zooey Deschanel?" Second Guy: "Someone please take this microphone from us." They weren't an act, let alone a comedy duo.

By: arkham_inmate_0801

arkham_inmate_0801 — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:25:54 -0800

My stomach hurts and my eyes are leaking and my coworkers think I have lost my ever-loving -mind

By: KathrynT

KathrynT — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:26:55 -0800

WHAT DO YOU DO IF A DINASUAR LOVES YOU YOU HIDE

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:27:37 -0800

"What would you do to Skrillex that you wouldn't do to Zooey Deschanel?" Admit that he has the slightest shred of talent?

By: hot_monster

hot_monster — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:31:29 -0800

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor... I am POOP."

By: Hactar

Hactar — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:32:45 -0800

The muffin one reminded me of one of the great ones from my early teens that seems to fit this: Cow 1: Did you hear about mad cow disease going around? Cow 2: What do I care? I'm a helicopter! Also from the Mommy, Mommy ones: Mommy, Mommy, why does grandma smell funny? Shut up and hand me the shovel. (or Shut up and keep digging)

By: wobh

wobh — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:47:03 -0800

Anti-Jokes, particularly this kind are still very funny to me. (That first "A man walked into a bar" one had me in stitches.)

By: Sparx

Sparx — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:48:06 -0800

WHO LIKES BEING GAY AND SNOGIN THE GIRLS MY RIDICULOS UNCLE EDWARD I think this is a Twilight joke. I also think page 6 is going to get me thrown out of the office for unsuppressable hilarity. A baked bean in a jug!

By: dr_dank

dr_dank — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:50:20 -0800

Jonathan Harford: It's also an Emo Phillips joke. Looks like Carlos Mencia found this Tumblr first.

By: ericb

ericb — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:50:25 -0800

This is one of the funniest threads EVAR!

By: honestcoyote

honestcoyote — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:55:47 -0800

My five year old niece was a little unclear on how to tell jokes and so I was quite helpful with the ideas of build-up and punchlines, which she understood surprisingly well, and really liked the idea of "punch" lines since it was a way of punching her older sister without getting in trouble. So after some practice she came up with this: What did the monkey say to the zombie? Sorry, we don't have any brain-ana's today! I think she's got a great future in comedy.

By: sweetkid

sweetkid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 12:56:59 -0800

seriously? that joke is awesome!

By: kagredon

kagredon — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:03:03 -0800

what goes black white black white a nun rolling down a hill what is black and white and goes 'ha ha' the nun who pushed her GOLD.

By: Specklet

Specklet — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:16:04 -0800

I'm embarrassed to admit one of my favorite jokes is on that site. Also: Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick!

By: ericb

ericb — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:21:13 -0800

i'm pretty sure a wizard cast level 10 'create hilarity' and all these jokes popped out It's 'pooped out,' not 'popped out.'

By: nickmark

nickmark — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:23:11 -0800

Why did Suzy's ice cream fall? She got hit by a bus. Knock Knock Who's there? Not suzy. she got hit by a bus.

By: ericb

ericb — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:28:10 -0800

Ah, someone is trying to revive Mommy Mommy jokes I remember fondly from my youth. Oh, memories of Dead Baby and Helen Keller jokes. Funny at the time. Crass and tasteless when an adult.* * -- Mostly. ; )

By: jetsetsc

jetsetsc — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:38:51 -0800

That's pretty good, what's your act called? . . .

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:39:36 -0800

it is called POOPBUTTS

By: amanda

amanda — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:43:25 -0800

My daughter, still in the early-verbal stage told this one: "MAMA!" "yes, sweets?" "FARTY FART FART!" "Farty fart fart?" Her, solemnly, "yeah." Repeat a dozen more times as I beam with pride that she's telling a fart joke advanced for her age. Last night she got hooked on to the comedic potential of the phrase "itchy butt." We are bad parents for laughing as hard as we did. She tried it out again this morning -- a comic is born! When I was a kid I remember endless jokes about disembodied genitalia: "What if a wiener and a boob were just walking down the street?!?!" for hours, this. Kids. Awesome.

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:45:36 -0800

Sparx: I also think page 6 is going to get me thrown out of the office for unsuppressable hilarity. A baked bean in a jug! If civilization collapses and humanity dies off, and when alien archaeologists discover Earth in a million years, all that is left out of the entire realm of human comedy is Page 6 of Bad Kids Jokes, I'm cool with that.

By: ericb

ericb — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:46:40 -0800

NO SOAP. RADIO.

By: JoanArkham

JoanArkham — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:48:26 -0800

I must have posted this before but, my all time favorite joke: What's brown and sticky? A stick!

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:49:02 -0800

Three unsuspecting coworkers have caught me laughing really super embarrassing HURR DURR DURR laughter this afternoon. halp

By: griphus

griphus — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:50:53 -0800

Dear AskMe, Is it illegal to pay a child to wear a wire to school and during recess recite a bunch of dirty jokes you taught them in order to get their classmates to also tell dirty jokes and then put them in a book and sell them?

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:50:59 -0800

They're Perfect Together what goes with poo and diaryia SLUSHYPOO I mean, can you top SLUSHYPOO? No.

By: Rock Steady

Rock Steady — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 13:59:58 -0800

I love the little aspirational wishes and dreams that snuck into this one: Q.What happens when you get an xbox and a ds at the same time? A. You get an xbox and a ds at the same time

By: Pablo MacWilliams

Pablo MacWilliams — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:00:25 -0800

And then there is the old chestnut "Non erat femina, erat uxor mia!!!!!!"

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:03:36 -0800

can you top SLUSHYPOO? Yes. With whupass cream.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:05:32 -0800

elizardbits, For real, can you possibly have unsuspecting coworkers at this point?

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:05:43 -0800

mrgrimm: ""there is a guy called joe and there is a guy called fred. fred lives with joe. then one day when fred was done with the bathroom joe went in and when he came out he said what is this wolf shit"" I eagerly await the Three Wolf Shit Shirt.

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:19:36 -0800

ericb: " Oh, memories of Dead Baby and Helen Keller jokes. Funny at the time. Crass and tasteless when an adult.* * -- Mostly. ; )" Dead Baby jokes are always hilarious - though I'm more partial to abortion jokes.

By: juv3nal

juv3nal — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:23:24 -0800

YO MAMMA SO UGLY SHE MADE HELLO KITTY SAY GOOD BYE This is legitimately good not least of which because hello kitty has no mouth.

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:33:17 -0800

Dead Baby jokes are always hilarious - though I'm more partial to abortion jokes. Ashton Applewhite wrote a great little article in Harper's last year about coming out as Blanche Knotte, author of the Truly Tasteless Jokes series, but it's subscription only ... Ah, it is reprinted on LongForm.com: "... am I contrite that a career battling sexism, ageism, and creationism was launched by Truly Tasteless Jokes? No way. I'm only sorry I missed out on 9/11."

By: achrise

achrise — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:33:27 -0800

What, no _ Guess What? Chicken Butt. Know Why? Cow Pie. _? I got in a lot of trouble for exposing a niece to that.

By: KathrynT

KathrynT — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:35:12 -0800

Guess who? CHICKEN POO!

By: ambrosia

ambrosia — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:35:15 -0800

Dog what do you call a dog with no legs dosnt mater it wont come anyway Awesome.

By: spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints

spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:49:24 -0800

New sock puppet account! posted by my penas and but

By: kagredon

kagredon — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:52:30 -0800

Guess What? Chicken Butt. Know Why? Cow Pie. _? I got in a lot of trouble for exposing a niece to that. I only ever heard Guess Why? Chicken Thigh for the second part, which feels like way more of a let-down than Know Why? Cow Pie for some reason.

By: rifflesby

rifflesby — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:54:38 -0800

I always heard Guess Why? Chicken Thigh for the second part, which feels like way more of a let-down than Know Why? Cow Pie for some reason. I only ever heard that as part of a Stuart Smalley sketch, and assumed it was deliberately weaksauce because Stuart was saying it.

By: cody

cody — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:03:25 -0800

This Bike Is A Poop Bomb

By: item

item — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:07:36 -0800

It's high time for Dead Baby and Grosser than Gross jokes to get their own FPP: Q:What's grosser than gross? A:Jumping off the Empire State Building and getting your nose caught on a nail. and of course the classic hybrid Dead Baby/Grosser than Gross joke: Q:What's grosser than gross? A:Ten dead babies in one trashcan. Q:What's grosser than that? A:One dead baby in ten trashcans!

By: quazichimp

quazichimp — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:20:03 -0800

Bus Pass your so old that you got a bus pass signed by dinosaurs

By: ook

ook — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:23:00 -0800

Niece 1: Knock knock Niece 2: Who's there? Niece 1: Wolf Niece 2: Wolf who? Niece 1: Wolf and cow went to a party. [Pause a beat.] FART! I have tested this on my four year old son and can confirm that it is in fact hilarious Even without the FART it was laugh worthy but the FART really pushed it over the top

By: azpenguin

azpenguin — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:26:05 -0800

what do get when you cross a vampire, homework and brusel sprouts i dont know its probalely super dangerous I laughed way too hard at this. Probably because I could easily see this coming from a six year old. Except he'd be serious, not joking.

By: tspae

tspae — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:34:11 -0800

The original no soap joke.

By: Joe in Australia

Joe in Australia — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 15:45:18 -0800

Harry Potter Hermione: I've got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but... Harry: I like your hairy butt too.

By: Devils Rancher

Devils Rancher — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 16:18:08 -0800

New sock puppet account! Oh, I was sorely tempted to do that all day long. I somehow resisted -- probably because I am poor.

By: marienbad

marienbad — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 16:28:44 -0800

As someone who used to collect jokes when they were younger, and as such has heard most jokes (or an updated variation), these are freaking awesome. Wow, my brain is just - I can't even explain it, they are so funny because they are so unlike any jokes I have heard before, with a few exceptions. The suzi got hit by a bus/knock knock joke is amazing. So have some old jokes, Mummy, mummy can I lick the bowl out? No flush the chain like everyone else How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? 2 in the front, 2 in the back. What happens when an elephant sits on the fence? It collapses. How does an elephant hide in the jungle? Paints is balls red and hides in a cherry tree. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A Giraffe eating cherries. How do you know when there's an elephant in the fridge? There's foot prints in the butter! How do you know when there's two elephants in the fridge? There's two sets of foot prints in the butter! How do you know when there's three elephant in the fridge? There's three sets of foot prints in the butter! How do you know when there's four elephant in the fridge? There's a mini outside the house. Thank you, I am here all week,and I am available for weddings, birthdays, and bar mitzvahs.

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 16:35:17 -0800

a banana and a aplle were siting ina tree, k.a.s.s.i.m.g Oh man. I have this very vague memory of being too young still to really get how spelling worked, and just figuring that that line was a bunch of gibberish. ("Kay a yes a saiyon gee!") And then I realized that it was all made out of the names of letters and it blew my mind. And then I figured out that if you identified all the letters correctly it actually spelled a word and it blew my mind again. Looks like this guy made it to epiphany #1 and is still waiting on epiphany #2. Hang in there, kid! You've got this!

By: i_am_joe's_spleen

i_am_joe's_spleen — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 16:47:01 -0800

I think if you like the stick joke you will also like this. What's a foot long, and slippery? A SLIPPER.

By: TheWhiteSkull

TheWhiteSkull — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 17:19:45 -0800

How do you get an elephant out of the theater? You can't- it's in his blood!

By: Fig

Fig — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 17:31:43 -0800

Backflip a guy backfliped off a cliff by mistake and your next to them. what do you do? try and save him. wrong!! you watch him fall. theres no point saving him your only gonna die too. Very practical, although a little on the psychopathic side. (if I had a kid, this would also be her gameplan) I think I'm going to start stealing some of these for random FB statuses to creep people out.

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 18:02:14 -0800

I made this joke up at 6th grade camp: What did one yucca plant say to the other yucca plant? Stop beating around the bush and get to the point. I thought this was hilarious and repeated it at every opportunity. I see now the reason no one else laughed is because the punchline should have been: Stop beating around the bush and get to the penas but.

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 18:47:23 -0800

i_am_joe's_spleen: "I think if you like the stick joke you will also like this. What's a foot long, and slippery? A SLIPPER." Oh god - a joke recommendation algorithm. We could call it joke.fm

By: symbioid

symbioid — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 18:55:39 -0800

So, about that Three Wolf Shit Moon Shirt, I made a mockup.

By: Countess Elena

Countess Elena — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 19:17:47 -0800

Oh man. I had a terrible day, and this thread has done me a power of good.

By: waitangi

waitangi — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 19:20:53 -0800

What's the white stuff in bird poop? MORE BIRD POOP!

By: Dojie

Dojie — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 19:21:28 -0800

Last summer on a car trip, my three older kids were taking turns telling jokes, many of which were very similar to these. The two-year-old wanted to get in on the action, so she made up her own. Why did the cat go on the road? To get to the barn!! We all laughed, because . . . she was two. And we were all pretty impressed that she had come up with a joke that followed proper joke structure, even if maybe the punchline could have used some work. So she told it again. And again. And again. Exactly the same every time - same punchline, same intonation, same delighted loud laugh at her own cleverness. Her dad and I got tired of saying "I don't know. Why?" pretty quickly, but her siblings, to her great delight, continued to play along. Eventually, she ran out of takers and someone just guessed "to get to the barn?" She was furious and explained very clearly that we were NOT supposed to give the answer, we were supposed to ask "Why?". So someone asked "why?" And she told us. To get to the office!!

By: mikeand1

mikeand1 — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 19:46:06 -0800

How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? 2 in the front, 2 in the back. This joke reminds me of the other end of the spectrum -- my grandfather, who had an incredibly dry and bitter sense of humor. I tried this joke on him when I was a kid, and it went like this: Me: Grandpa, grandpa, how do you fit five elephants in a Volkswagen? Grandpa: Shoot 'em, and chop 'em up.

By: straight

straight — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 22:44:35 -0800

What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle? [Joke teller throws both hands up in the air] "Wheeeeeeee!"

By: i_am_joe's_spleen

i_am_joe's_spleen — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:34:03 -0800

Back in the day I worked in the education department of a university. I remember one of the lecturers telling me that this is a definite stage in cognitive development: when children understand the question/answer form of simple jokes, and understand that this is funny by convention, but don't have the mental machinery to understand the essential surprise that must underlie a punchline. Apparently true appreciation kicks in around 7.

By: Pronoiac

Pronoiac — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 23:47:18 -0800

What does it take to get Markov Bad Kids' Jokes?

By: frimble

frimble — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 02:27:00 -0800

What does it take to get Markov Bad Kids' Jokes? This is perversely tempting me, to, next time I'm talking with cognitive scientists, bring these jokes up as an interesting failure mode. The only reason not to would be that I would likely end up reading the jokes out loud and cackling, while no one else laughs.

By: asok

asok — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 03:29:43 -0800

jbickers - Monthly cycle. Yep.

By: h00py

h00py — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 05:31:18 -0800

What's grey? A melted down penguin. What did the farmer say when he saw his cow on the roof? Come down, cow! I just laughed so hard that I did a poo!

By: hanov3r

hanov3r — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 07:24:25 -0800

JoanArkham: I must have posted this before but, my all time favorite joke: What's brown and sticky? Alice Tinker thinks you're telling it wrong.

By: klausness

klausness — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 07:49:53 -0800

guess what the chicken was wearing monkey pants

By: magstheaxe

magstheaxe — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 07:50:15 -0800

Libary a blonde walks into a libary "CAN I HAVE A CHESEEBURGER" she shouts at the top of her lungs "madam this is a libary" the libarian says "oh sorry" she whispered "please can i have a cheeseburger Oh my Lord I'm having flashbacks to Taxi: [during a written driving test] Reverend Jim: Pssssttt... what does the yellow light mean? Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down." Reverend Jim: What... does... the... yellow... light... mean? Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down"! Reverend Jim: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?

By: FAMOUS MONSTER

FAMOUS MONSTER — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 07:56:11 -0800

A kid I knew - she had just turned four (I was in my mid-twenties) - was a nascent comedian and kind of had her own amazing sense of bizarre kid humor. She'd ask if you want to hear a funny joke and then she'd say something like, "Put the...water on your face." Or, delivered in a slightly halting and unsure manner, "Put the...put the soda on your face." And then she would laugh. Oh, how she'd laugh. Sometimes the funny joke was, she'd just say in a very perfunctory tone, "Horse spit." Laughter. Which was funny, because horse spit is funny, and your face is not where soda is supposed to go, and I was usually stoned as hell when she was around.

By: KathrynT

KathrynT — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 09:01:03 -0800

My two-year-old came up with his first joke a couple months ago. Want to hear it? "Butt." That's the whole joke. For his 6-year-old sister, though, let me tell you: it is plenty.

By: Panjandrum

Panjandrum — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 09:10:50 -0800

tspae: "The original no soap joke." Best joke ever written, truly.

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 09:34:05 -0800

Reverend Jim: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan? Bobby: Mental illness or drug addiction? Jim: Now that's a tough choice I ♥ Taxi.

By: aka burlap

aka burlap — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 18:13:36 -0800

This reminds me of the thread about "Kids tell a story, adults act it out" videos from a few months ago.

By: swift

swift — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 18:46:10 -0800

Actual joke from my 4-year-old daughter: Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana glad I didn't say orange?

By: windykites

windykites — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 19:17:10 -0800

So what's a pirate's favourite letter? (Everyone says "arrrrr") Actually, he's quite fond of the C! I never thought bodily function jokes were funny, even as a kid. I'm a born punster.

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 20:50:48 -0800

Q: What do you get? A: poop, forever

By: kagredon

kagredon — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 00:22:19 -0800

Q: What do you get? A: poop, forever If you want a picture of the future, imagine poop on a human face — forever.

By: This, of course, alludes to you

This, of course, alludes to you — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 15:13:50 -0800

done ;)