Comments on: no more condom odour on your hands

no more condom odour on your hands

MartinWisse — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 02:57:57 -0800

"The condom was invented almost 100 years ago and very little has been done to make its use easier or more pleasant. " No longer. "Two engineers from Delft, Paul Breur and Adnan Tunović, have finally solved decades of issues that men have had with using condoms. " A handy demonstration video is available at the link.

By: MartinWisse

MartinWisse — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:00:01 -0800

N.B. the TU Delft used to have the largest collection of porn available on the web back in the early nineties, but that's a complete coincidence

By: the noob

the noob — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:06:18 -0800

Only comes in one size - that rules me out. I have several sizes.

By: crayz

crayz — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:13:10 -0800

Wearing a condom is like wrapping a plastic bag around my tongue before kissing someone. Can someone solve that problem, preferably by curing all STDs and developing 100% effective birth control for men and women?

By: Mezentian

Mezentian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:15:05 -0800

Wearing a condom is like wrapping a plastic bag around my tongue before kissing someone. Seems more like a job for a dental dam.

By: narain

narain — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:22:34 -0800

Cf. previous work by van Rensburg, 2011 and Grove Medical, LLC, 2009. [MLYT]

By: three blind mice

three blind mice — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:23:59 -0800

From Delft, I was expecting something in blue and white ceramic.

By: megob

megob — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:24:20 -0800

Could it be that the two engineers were students before, and did invent the same device for the first time in 2006? German Spiegel's archive seems to state just this.

By: Kirth Gerson

Kirth Gerson — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:26:16 -0800

Now, this is the kind of research I could support being funded with my tax dollars. But noooo - my money goes to little airplanes that kill people and shit like that. My nation's priorities are seriously fucked up.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:34:45 -0800

A handy demonstration Oh, you.

By: Stewriffic

Stewriffic — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 03:48:26 -0800

The good, from a sexual health perspective: • looks like it's easy to figure out which is right-side-up, which can be tricky otherwise. • If it increases condom use, yay! The bad: • I would be concerned about the tip. Ideally you want a space at the tip of the condom that is devoid of air so that there's a place for the ejaculate to go. Otherwise it can gloop* out the sides of the condom at the bottom. • Has anyone tested whether that (seemingly?) hard plastic applicator (for lack of a better term) increases condom rips? Also, I'd be concerned about penis scratches or minor wounds from that applicator. *scientific term

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:13:10 -0800

It still took two hands to get it out of the package. The rest of the one-handed movement wasn't all that hard to pull off to begin with.

By: percor

percor — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:13:22 -0800

...now they just need to combine it with that condom wrapper you can open one-handed.

By: percor

percor — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:13:56 -0800

This one

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:15:38 -0800

"Residual odor on the hands" is not the biggest issue I've heard men say that they have with condoms.

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:17:56 -0800

This one The wrapper is intentionally hard to pierce because a dried-out condom is a worthless one. The perforations on the one-handed wrapper defeat the purpose of the wrapper.

By: kprincehouse

kprincehouse — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:20:05 -0800

+10 points for the logo.

By: Mezentian

Mezentian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:23:49 -0800

...now they just need to combine it with that condom wrapper you can open one-handed. My friend says that's what teeth are for.

By: His thoughts were red thoughts

His thoughts were red thoughts — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 04:54:01 -0800

Wearing a condom is like wrapping a plastic bag around my tongue before kissing someone. No, it isn't. Wrapping a plastic bag around your tongue is way, way more kinky.

By: orme

orme — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:00:52 -0800

My problem with condoms is that it doesn't feel manly enough to just tear a dinky little package open and unroll a funny balloon onto myself. I'd like a condom that requires at least an adjustable wrench and preferably an impact driver to "install" on my "parts".

By: DU

DU — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:02:50 -0800

it doesn't feel manly enough to just tear a dinky little package open Ideally, there would be a tiny Acme-style TNT plunger, a coil of wire and an Earth-shattering kaboom.

By: three blind mice

three blind mice — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:04:34 -0800

"Residual odor on the hands" is not the biggest issue I've heard men say that they have with condoms, But it's probably the only really addressable problem. The necessity of being a durable barrier to fluids that completely covers your willie is something of an irreducible design requirement.

By: emjaybee

emjaybee — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:05:51 -0800

What if the applicator made that noise that the air drill makes when they put on lug nuts t the tire shop? That's pretty manly.

By: etc.

etc. — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:07:08 -0800

This will work well on my 10-inch rigid lucite penis.

By: AzraelBrown

AzraelBrown — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:08:02 -0800

Once upon a time Wifey (before she was wifey) as a hoot gave me a pack of these condoms that have had a speed applicator since 2002. They're not as easy as you might think (hopefully this isn't TMI but my penis isn't a smooth Pyrex shaft); also a South African inventor claims he found the best solution, and Sensis has been offering it for three or four years now too. A google search for "world fastest condom" gets a bunch of competitors including instructional videos of varying worksafeness. So, really, the Delft guys are actually part of a cold war of condom applicators that has been going on for decades: the goal is that, one day, you'll be on a date, things will start getting hot, and then -- *pop* a condom suddenly appears on your penis moments before your fingers can unzip your fly. After posting: dammit, etc., you stole my joke

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:09:24 -0800

What if it comes with little images of sparkles and balloons? That's pretty manly right guys?

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:16:18 -0800

one day, you'll be on a date, things will start getting hot, and then -- *pop* a condom suddenly appears on your penis moments before your fingers can unzip your fly. You know, Steve, I really think you're a great guy. Would you like to come upstairs? Sure thing!

By: Bulgaroktonos

Bulgaroktonos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:21:54 -0800

Guys, we're really going about the totally backwards. Condom fumbling time adds valuable seconds to the sexual experience. Hide that shit in a complicated puzzle box (preferably one that doesn't create a bridge to hell) and then let's hear her complain about it being too quick.

By: middleclasstool

middleclasstool — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:34:59 -0800

Design suggestion: When the applicator gets pulled off, a tiny red cape unfurls from the base of the condom and tiny trumpets play. Then a recording of Brian Blessed screaming GOD AND KING RICHARD!!!!! Because I am tired of doing that manually.

By: nathancaswell

nathancaswell — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:35:31 -0800

Hide that shit in a complicated puzzle box Aka sex

By: Mezentian

Mezentian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:36:06 -0800

one day, you'll be on a date, things will start getting hot, and then -- *pop* a condom suddenly appears on your penis moments before your fingers can unzip your fly. Seems like you need The Great Gazoo.

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:38:29 -0800

and then let's hear her complain about it being too quick. And yet another thread where people inadvertently reveal too much of themselves.

By: Marisa Stole the Precious Thing

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:40:50 -0800

For me, the problem isn't the application, but the smell. Nothing quite sexies up the situation like the faint medicinal odor on your fingers of latex and spermicide, giving your hands and your lover's hair the alluring scent of a free clinic in downtown Philly. Bring me the non-toxic scented condoms of patchoulli, frankincense, maybe even barbeque sauce. Anything but the waiting room smell.

By: plinth

plinth — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:43:21 -0800

etc. - so you have one of these or one of these? Heck, maybe you have a six pack of each. Unless you're in Texas, obviously.

By: Marisa Stole the Precious Thing

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:45:07 -0800

I guess what I'm saying is this design seems like putting racing stripes on a horse-drawn carriage; the odor itself should be addressed rather than making various plastic applicators for putting it on.

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:46:35 -0800

Yeah I know plastic is not a great smell but what if it smelled like a new car? Would you like it then? Or maybe they could take a tip from the Book-Candle people and make the condoms smell like paper-leather-wood.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:54:20 -0800

Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened. And by "best sort of applicator" I mean "one that I would personally find the most amusing".

By: Bulgaroktonos

Bulgaroktonos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:55:04 -0800

Yeah I know plastic is not a great smell but what if it smelled like a new car? Would you like it then? Nothing says sexy times quite like the word "offgassing."

By: The White Hat

The White Hat — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:55:59 -0800

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: " the alluring scent of a free clinic in downtown Philly" HEY LEAVE MY CLINIC OUT OF YOUR WEIRD SEX GAMES

By: chavenet

chavenet — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 05:58:36 -0800

Kirth Gerson: "Now, this is the kind of research I could support being funded with my tax dollars. But noooo - my money goes to little airplanes that kill people and shit like that. My nation's priorities are seriously fucked up." Here's your solution: dronedoms. Little flying jimmies that heat seek, lock on and wrap at the key moment. Dronedoms: Protecting Americans Since 2012

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:01:10 -0800

Awkward for dudes trying to talk down unexpected boners at like, the library, for instance. A whirring rubber menace zooms in through the window and attacks their groin! ok this is the best thing ever

By: kmz

kmz — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:02:22 -0800

(preferably one that doesn't create a bridge to hell) Don't knock it till you've tried it.

By: quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon

quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:02:53 -0800

The condom was invented almost 100 years ago... you kids think you invented sex?

By: Marisa Stole the Precious Thing

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:03:24 -0800

The ideal applicator is obviously a giant chandelier hanging above the bed. By pulling a red velvet cord beside the bed, the chandelier lights up, and lowers slowly down upon the hips area while playing O Fortuna, sliding the condom into place.

By: double block and bleed

double block and bleed — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:05:40 -0800

You don't need a hard plastic applicator that might gouge your manhood. Enlist your partner to help you with the "no hands" application method!

By: liza

liza — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:05:50 -0800

METAFILTER: will work well on my 10-inch rigid lucite penis

By: de

de — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:06:28 -0800

Are you crazy? People have been killed by falling chandeliers over beds, especially when not well hung.

By: J.W.

J.W. — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:10:39 -0800

Anyone else see that second hand being used to open the wrapper?

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:14:10 -0800

What about a tiny cork in the end? Has there been any tiny cork research? i just want to hear the champagne noise upon completion, i don't think that's so much to ask

By: Kirth Gerson

Kirth Gerson — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:16:47 -0800

So, really, the Delft guys are actually part of a cold war of condom applicators that has been going on for decades... And it's a cold war that the USA is LOSING! I'm going to write my Congresscreature and tell him to get some funding to chavenet's awesome concept ASAP.

By: double block and bleed

double block and bleed — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:21:21 -0800

People have been killed by falling chandeliers over beds, especially when not well hung. I see what you did there.

By: orme

orme — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:21:30 -0800

What if the applicator made that noise that the air drill makes when they put on lug nuts t the tire shop? That's pretty manly. posted by emjaybee at 8:05 AM For true realism, my condom should play this sound.

By: Kirth Gerson

Kirth Gerson — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:23:23 -0800

i just want to hear the champagne noise upon completion... Sorry, but that noise is in part a function of the size of the cork. I do not think you'll find too many men who'd enjoy having a champagne-size cork inserted in their urethra, and even fewer who'd be in any shape to have sex after that. Also - yeah, new-car smell nowadays is all about plastic outgassing. My wife bought a new Camry a couple of months ago, and it's damned-near intolerable. Maybe new Cadillacs and Mercedeses smell better.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:23:33 -0800

Oh or also a condom that makes the inception noise with each thrust.

By: spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints

spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:24:58 -0800

Because I am tired of doing that manually. posted by middleclasstool Eponysterical!

By: sevenyearlurk

sevenyearlurk — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:27:17 -0800

Aren't most Dutch guys uncut? Condom instructions always seem to ignore the foreskin.

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:37:23 -0800

I'm still waiting for the spray-on condom, like those truck bed liners. Peeling it off would also make for a nice post-coital activity, like when you used to peel dried Elmer's Glue from your fingers.

By: symbioid

symbioid — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:38:03 -0800

emjaybee: "What if the applicator made that noise that the air drill makes when they put on lug nuts t the tire shop? That's pretty manly." For a full sensory experience...

By: MangyCarface

MangyCarface — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:39:07 -0800

Aren't most Dutch guys uncut? Condom instructions always seem to ignore the foreskin. Step 1: Carefully remove foreskin 2: Microwave for 30s

By: Kabanos

Kabanos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:51:35 -0800

Iceman: You can be my Wingman^TM any time. Maverick: Bullshit! You can be mine.

By: Forktine

Forktine — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:51:45 -0800

Step 1: Carefully remove foreskin 2: Microwave for 30s You lost me at step 1; step 2, however, raises some intriguing possibilities.

By: kmz

kmz — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:55:57 -0800

Step 1: Carefully remove foreskin 2: Microwave for 30s I just had an involuntary full body shudder.

By: Kirth Gerson

Kirth Gerson — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 06:58:58 -0800

I'd have to say it depends on who the subject of Step 1 is. It isn't going to be me, for several very good reasons.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:00:17 -0800

2: Microwave for 30s Peel back foil to expose tater tots

By: Kabanos

Kabanos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:02:47 -0800

Should have called it Delft Manoeuvre.

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:23:47 -0800

Design suggestion: When the applicator gets pulled off, a tiny red cape unfurls from the base of the condom.... Try this. Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened. I would be so down with this I would install one in my own house and I'm a woman.

By: Beardman

Beardman — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:25:22 -0800

My first thought was frat boys wearing necklaces made of linked condom wings, possibly interspersed with puka shells.

By: windykites

windykites — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:26:01 -0800

Metafilter: a cold war of condom applicators that has been going on for decades.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:26:16 -0800

Assuming some sort of lubrication would be required, I think there would be a nonzero number of men who would soon prefer only to spend time with their ensheathenators.

By: radwolf76

radwolf76 — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:30:48 -0800

They lost me at "The condom was invented almost 100 years ago".

By: The White Hat

The White Hat — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:32:54 -0800

A rubber that self-applicates Is not exactly intricate But safety pins and bassinets Await those who can't fastenet.

By: bricksNmortar

bricksNmortar — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:36:23 -0800

Yeah I know plastic is not a great smell but what if it smelled like ~~a new car~~ bacon? Would you like it then? FTFY

By: Winnemac

Winnemac — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:44:44 -0800

Advanced Sex Technique: The Consummate Lover Step 1: Go to bathroom, secretly put on condom...

By: munchingzombie

munchingzombie — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 07:55:57 -0800

Just so we don't think condom innovation has been a desert for, ahem, 100 years since its invention. Polyurithane and female condoms are both fantastic. Also, inflating them with helium and a little whipped cream is delightful.

By: Pudhoho

Pudhoho — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:08:04 -0800

What if it comes with little images of sparkles and balloons? That's pretty manly right guys? Bring on the My Little Pony themed (branded?) condoms. Do it now!

By: scaryblackdeath

scaryblackdeath — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:15:39 -0800

So just yesterday I subsitute-taught a freshman (HS) health class. They had a short video on birth control methods. Many of the students were recent immigrant kids from socially conservative countries; their English is fine, but keep in mind there are a lot of hijabs here, a lot of social naivete... ...and then the video demonstrated how to put on a condom. They didn't use a banana. They didn't use a paper towel rod. No, they had a realistically-shaped model that was bigger than a 6-D-cell Maglite. These poor kids were HORRIFIED. And here I am, more or less a complete stranger, wanting to laugh out loud and tell the kids no, that's not realistic... I mean the girls just had this look of fear in their eyes, and several of the boys were clearly shocked, too, because this is an educational film and so this should all be accurate and that's what an average penis looks like, right? Only I can't, 'cause I'm a sub, and these kids are all strangers, and once this conversation starts it'll be the hardest thing ever to control and next thing you know I'll be on Fox News as the horrible teacher of the week... ...argh.

By: TedW

TedW — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:19:39 -0800

These poor kids were HORRIFIED... I mean the girls just had this look of fear in their eyes, and several of the boys were clearly shocked, too It sounds like someone might have actually come up with a way for teaching abstinence that is actually effective, at least for a while. Although I bet there is a risk of rebound promiscuity once the kids figure out the truth.

By: radwolf76

radwolf76 — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:21:15 -0800

Pudhoho: "Bring on the My Little Pony themed (branded?) condoms. Do it now!" All out of those, would Hello Kitty do?

By: scaryblackdeath

scaryblackdeath — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:33:30 -0800

It sounds like someone might have actually come up with a way for teaching abstinence that is actually effective, at least for a while. I doubt it. Honestly, it was just a badly-made video. It had some good info, but many of the video production choices just sucked. White lighting washed out a lot of the picture in the "demonstration" phases (with OB-GYNs holding up props), the narrator sat on a set that was so strange it was a little distracting, the sound quality was bad... I chalk the frighteningly big prop up to this other string of bad audio/visual decisions, really. :/

By: Forktine

Forktine — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:42:17 -0800

Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened. There is no one in the world sufficiently hot enough to induce me to insert my dick into a machine first.

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:49:42 -0800

Scaryblackdeath, you've reminded me of one of my favorite stories about one of my best friends. There was an exchange student from Japan at my high school my junior year, and for whatever reason he ended up hanging about all of us drama club/band geeks. (He actually out-weirded all of us, so we dug him.) He'd sit with all of us at lunch, and we'd all be talking away - and every so often, Miki would overhear an English word that he didn't know, and would interrupt us to ask, "excuse me please - what is [schmeh]?" And we'd explain, and he'd nod and say okay and we'd go on. One day -- I don't know how it started - a couple of us were in a back-and-forth teasing war about condom shopping, and right in the middle of the gasps and squeals and scandalized/titillated giggling, sure enough, up piped Miki - "excuse me please - what is 'condom'?" And we all fell absolutely silent, all looking at each other waiting to see who was going to fall on this grenade. "Uh....'rubber'? You know?" One kid ventured. Miki shook his head -- he hadn't heard of that. "...'Prophylactic'?" Someone else said. Miki shook his head again. We all fell silent again. I thought to ask Miki for his Japanese/English dictionary - and everyone leaned in towards me while I flipped through it,, looking. But - "It isn't in here," I told everyone. We all fell silent again, Miki looking at us all, getting a little uneasy. Then my friend Sue started giggling. "Okay, Miki? Watch me." She took a juice box she had with her lunch, and pulled the straw off the back. She carefully undid one end of the wrapper, and then laid the box, the unwrapped straw, and the wrapper all in a row. "This is the boy," she said, pointing to the straw. Then the box - "this is the girl. And this," she said, pointing to the wrapper, "is the condom. And - this is what you do with it." And then she put the wrapper back on the straw, and poked the wrapped straw into the hole in the box and pumped it in and out a few times. Miki flushed quite a bright red and we all burst out into laughter and applause. Miki DEFINITELY got it - he kept giggling and saying "So embarrassing!" for the next several minutes.

By: Nelson

Nelson — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:55:03 -0800

This is the condom for men who are jealous of women and their disposable plastic tampon applicators. Also maybe I don't understand, but you can only remove the hard plastic bit after the condom is fully unrolled? Congratulations; you've invented a condom that not only fits a single width, but now also only fits a single length. Maybe the Dutch all have standard size penises.

By: TwelveTwo

TwelveTwo — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 08:59:28 -0800

How about a condom you put on from the base up? THINK ABOUT THAT, ENGINEERS.

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:12:15 -0800

How about a condom you put on from the base up? Oh god ever since reading this I've been picturing a whole crew of little teeny-tiny construction workers with tools and hardhats building the condom directly onto someone's penis at super-speed and talking in little squeaky voices the whole time. THESE ARE INCONVENIENT THOUGHTS TO BE HAVING AT WORK

By: Greg_Ace

Greg_Ace — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:14:18 -0800

elizardbits: i just want to hear the champagne noise upon completion This seems appropriate.

By: plinth

plinth — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:14:49 -0800

By: jannw

jannw — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:15:47 -0800

condoms are 5000 years old - source And I don'k know any man who has physical difficulty putting on a condom. Perhaps the guys at TU Delft should stick to repairing bicycles ;-) (In joke for the dutchies)

By: guybrush_threepwood

guybrush_threepwood — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:19:15 -0800

Oh or also a condom that makes the inception noise with each thrust. train whistles for me, but really it comes down to piezo sensors everywhere, all the time, which i've been advocating for years.

By: guybrush_threepwood

guybrush_threepwood — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:24:11 -0800

also locomotive-print condoms.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:27:21 -0800

There is no one in the world sufficiently hot enough to induce me to insert my dick into a machine first. They would have lots of customizable options though like a variety of stimulating lubricants and perhaps a gentle massage of nearby, um, areas. maybe i should make a kickstarter for this

By: de

de — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:41:10 -0800

New priorities, must sell ... this fabulous brick home facilitates lots of accommodation options (3-5 bedrooms), in a great location. Established gardens, off street parking, garage and elevated terrazzo porch introduce main residence featuring large front living room with large open fireplace, big separate kitchen with stainless-steel appliances, incl. dishwasher, bright bathroom with separate toilet, laundry, family room and four ideally zoned bedrooms, three boasting a wall mounted mechanical condom applicator, one with neat ensuite bathroom. Barbecue terrace overlooks private, north-west facing backyard. Rear self-contained flat ideal for in-law, teen retreat or rental purposes claims separate entrance, living room glazed to garden, kitchenette, bedroom with own wall mounted condom applicator, and bathroom. Flokati and chandeliers throughout. A must see.

By: Forktine

Forktine — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:41:44 -0800

Cover two markets with one machine: The Acme2000 Condomator & Cigar Cutter.

By: DrMew

DrMew — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:53:38 -0800

Indeed, as Wikipedia summarizes, condoms have been around for as long as we've had recorded history, and we can presume, longer. Not only did the ancient Egyptians have condoms and diaphragms, but among the items they had interred with them in their tombs to make use of in the afterlife were their favorite strap-ons carved from precious woods, mother-of-pearl, ivory and tortoiseshell (You can read a bit about that here.) That the Egyptians used papyrus condoms, however, seems an urban myth. Which makes sense, because ohhhhh, the paper cuts. . .

By: Pudhoho

Pudhoho — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 09:53:45 -0800

That's certainly bound to end well.

By: Fig

Fig — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:24:04 -0800

The idea of a wall-mounted dispenser is giving me severe penis envy. I would invest the hell out of that kickstarter.

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:44:46 -0800

Oooh! What if the wall-mounted dispenser worked on the same sort of principle as a vacuum-pack thing? You know - so the condom in question has a custom fit to the specific penis? Yes, gentlemen, I do realize that this idea sounds kind of horrifying and I apologize but seriously it would take care of a lot of problems.

By: Copronymus

Copronymus — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:47:01 -0800

Congratulations; you've invented a condom that not only fits a single width, but now also only fits a single length. Maybe the Dutch all have standard size penises. Perhaps they've all already made use of Procrustes Brand Wall-Mounted Ensheatheners.

By: Mental Wimp

Mental Wimp — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:00:11 -0800

They have one size available, but will be launching the Wingman in more sizes once it takes off. I see what they did there.

By: Mental Wimp

Mental Wimp — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:01:30 -0800

What if the wall-mounted dispenser worked on the same sort of principle as a vacuum-pack thing? Yes, gentlemen, I do realize that this idea sounds kind of horrifying and I apologize but seriously it would take care of a lot of problems. Including the problem of having a partner.

By: zippy

zippy — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:15:57 -0800

From Delft, I was expecting something in blue and white ceramic Bone china

By: fingerbang

fingerbang — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:18:02 -0800

Surely the solution is to stick your wang in the hole of a cup dispenser where it's sprayed with truck bedliner and heated briskly? Rock hard if nothing else...

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:20:18 -0800

Stick to fingerbanging.

By: P.o.B.

P.o.B. — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:31:43 -0800

Somebody should make putting on a condom like a Gom Jabbar test where guys have to stick their dick into a machine. Oh, wait, never mind you guys are already talking about it.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:40:44 -0800

Somebody should make putting on a condom like a Gom Jabbar test where guys have to stick their dick into a machine. I will not think about Wilford Brimley. Wilford Brimley is the stiffy killer. Wilford Brimley is the little detumescence that brings total flaccidity. (apologies to any who find Mr. Brimley super hot. Here, have some diabeetus-free oatmeal.)

By: snottydick

snottydick — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:46:31 -0800

This is my daily reminder of how wonderful it is to be married and vasectomized.

By: Navelgazer

Navelgazer — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:47:05 -0800

While I personally think the name is a nice bit of branding, part of my brain is now imagining that somehow in the Netherlands, the word "wingman" got twisted around to mean, "steward of a noble house who applies his master's condom so that master not soil his hands with odor."

By: Navelgazer

Navelgazer — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 11:50:02 -0800

This is my daily reminder of how wonderful it is to be married and vasectomized. posted by snottydick at 2:46 PM on December 4 [+] [!] If only we had a word for when the comment is comically appropriate for the commenter...

By: The Card Cheat

The Card Cheat — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:08:25 -0800

I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing. The first time I had reason to buy a box of them I strutted up to the counter with a "I would like to purchase these condoms, please. Damn right they're for me" spring in my step.

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:13:34 -0800

'Yes sir, to put onto my penis!'

By: IAmBroom

IAmBroom — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:16:39 -0800

Forktine: Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened. There is no one in the world sufficiently hot enough to induce me to insert my dick into a machine first.

Then step aside, my vanilla friend. You're blocking the perv queue.

By: The Card Cheat

The Card Cheat — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:16:44 -0800

That wasn't the part I was excited about.

By: IAmBroom

IAmBroom — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:18:26 -0800

The Card Cheat: I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing. The first time I had reason to buy a box of them I strutted up to the counter with a "I would like to purchase these condoms, please. Damn right they're for me" spring in my step.

"You... you didn't tell me your father was a pharmacist." Thank you, folks. Try the veal, tip waitstaff, here all week, etc.

By: juiceCake

juiceCake — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:20:23 -0800

I'd be concerned about penis scratches... They'll muff right out. I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing. I think the embarrassment lies with the seller rather than the purchaser. I once bought some with a bottle of liquor in my hand from a teenage girl that was maybe 17. She looked nervous, shocked, embarrassed and most likely disgusted. And no, she wasn't my date. The idea of a wall-mounted dispenser is giving me severe penis envy. I would invest the hell out of that kickstarter. I imagine the uber rich just have some person show up and put the damn thing on for them. As for a dispenser, would it be advertised like ShamWow or some sort of Ab Exerciser where it shows people who astoundingly can't do the simplest things so let's persuade these utterly incompetent people to somehow pull their credit card from their wallet (there must be a product to help that too) and order something they won't be able to use?

By: The 10th Regiment of Foot

The 10th Regiment of Foot — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:23:52 -0800

Oh or also a condom that makes the inception noise with each thrust. Pardon me! I knew Mexican food was not the right choice for our date.

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:25:09 -0800

As for a dispenser, would it be advertised like ShamWow or some sort of Ab Exerciser Act now and we'll give you the spiral slicer and The World's Smallest Juicer!

By: Forktine

Forktine — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:29:47 -0800

Then step aside, my vanilla friend. You're blocking the perv queue. There is also no one hot enough in the world to induce me to stand in a queue before inserting my dick into anything.

By: The Card Cheat

The Card Cheat — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:37:18 -0800

> I think the embarrassment lies with the seller rather than the purchaser. That makes sense. At the time I chalked up the awkwardness to the porno magazines, bottle of Old Harper, panty shields, illegal fireworks, and disposable enemas I was also buying.

By: Forktine

Forktine — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:38:42 -0800

They saw your lack of duct tape and felt embarrassed for you.

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 12:43:09 -0800

'How much plastic sheeting do you carry here?'

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 15:28:29 -0800

I am just going to bring up that 55 gallon drum of lube again here because of reasons.

By: Marisa Stole the Precious Thing

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 15:57:14 -0800

Ideally, I'd like to be able to inject a small plastic bead directly into my prostate, where it would settle into place and stop up the valve, but the tech just isn't there yet.

By: zippy

zippy — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 16:08:15 -0800

What if the wall-mounted dispenser worked on the same sort of principle as a vacuum-pack thing? Like a Seal-a-meal?

By: aneel

aneel — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 17:50:08 -0800

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: Reversible inhibition of sperm under guidance is pretty close...

By: sonascope

sonascope — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 17:57:04 -0800

Wait, people still use hands to put them on?

By: EmpressCallipygos

EmpressCallipygos — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 18:27:01 -0800

Like a Seal-a-meal? Precisely! Not only is the condom custom-fit, but your erection lasts 30% longer than it would with conventional plastic wrap or in Tupperware. Keep air out and keep freshness in!

By: lover

lover — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 19:26:52 -0800

I knew a woman who worked for Planned Parenthood in San Jose and did sex ed education routinely for people who hadn't had much of an education to start with. Her way of handling the "my boyfriend says he's too big for a condom" statement was to open condom and apply it to her arm, asking "is he bigger than this?" I have female bits. My lover has male bits and was a virgin before I came along. It took us quite a while to figure out that the reason the condom kept coming off during sex was that it was a size too small. Being able to get a condom on doesn't mean it fits.

By: hattifattener

hattifattener — Tue, 04 Dec 2012 21:19:44 -0800

I'm still waiting for the spray-on condom, like those truck bed liners. Spray-on condoms. I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing. Maybe because you have to buy them before you actually get lucky?

By: Segundus

Segundus — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 07:12:15 -0800

preferably one that doesn't create a bridge to hell If you're a catholic, all condoms open up the road to hell.