The secret sex of cheese

December 13, 2012 9:11 AM

The hard-core kinky action inside your slice of Camembert.
posted by Chrysostom (61 comments total)

oh ewwww. Ew. Oh the idea of this is so gross.
posted by sweetkid at 9:15 AM on December 13, 2012

Cheesemaking is truly one of the Dark Arts.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:16 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

While this is really interesting in a food production sciences way, there is nothing one can say that will turn me away from stinky cheeses. No Thing.
posted by cheap paper at 9:17 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

Yum.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:18 AM on December 13, 2012

Cheese sex. That is happening.
posted by Egg Shen at 9:18 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, this doesn't gross me out one bit. I will take all of the stinky cheese you don't want, people who don't want delicious stinky cheese.
posted by gauche at 9:19 AM on December 13, 2012 [6 favorites]

Mold sex is all well and good but I prefer my cheese alive and squirming.
posted by theodolite at 9:20 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

Also that hamburger you're eating? The cow's parents had sex.

SEX IS GROSS
posted by shakespeherian at 9:21 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

This information could come in quite handy the next time you wish to ensure that you get all the cheese.



Try to throw in something like "But the sex is what makes it tasty!"
posted by louche mustachio at 9:21 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wow, beat me to the punch theodolite.

Is there a (purposefully) moldy cheese that is aged long enough to have negligible amounts of lactose?
posted by griphus at 9:22 AM on December 13, 2012

I will take all of the stinky cheese you don't want, people who don't want delicious stinky cheese.

I WILL FIGHT YOU


FOR THE CHEESE
posted by louche mustachio at 9:22 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

"Also that hamburger you're eating? The cow's parents had sex."
posted by shakespeherian

Yeah, but not in the hamburger.

Only the French could make a sexy cheese.
posted by marienbad at 9:25 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Eating something that's having sex sounds delightfully twisted and erotic.

Eating Bleu Cheese continues to sound disgusting.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:28 AM on December 13, 2012

Remember: when you're eating that hamburger, you're eating every hamburger that came from every cow that cow's parents had sex with.
posted by griphus at 9:29 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Is there a (purposefully) moldy cheese that is aged long enough to have negligible amounts of lactose?

I don't know of any (with my former cheesemonger hat on) and am doubtful for the following reasons: aging the cheese until the lactose has converted into lactase changes the environment in which the mold is to grow. Specifically, it makes it less wet and more acidic. The blue mold seems to like wetness, in particular.

As well, contact time is an important consideration: as the mold gets to the end of its life cycle it starts to add some off flavors to the cheese. When I sold cheese in London, the corners of the big wheels of Montgomery's cheddar would sometimes have a streak or two of blue-green mold in them, and those corners were typically over-ammoniated in an unpleasant way.
posted by gauche at 9:29 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

cheesemonger

What is the verb form of that? "To cheesemong"?
posted by Egg Shen at 9:32 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

slutty cows
posted by shakespeherian at 9:32 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

It’s a huge industry; as pointed out by the authors of this study, France alone produces 56,865 tons of blue cheese every year.

"Blue cheese." Must ask for that next time.
posted by Jehan at 9:33 AM on December 13, 2012

note to self: never eat hamburgers at shakes' house or griphus' house.
posted by elizardbits at 9:34 AM on December 13, 2012

at first i thought that said "Cuisinart" and I was like 'damn, that IS kinky'
posted by sexyrobot at 9:34 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not sure I understand the wording of this post. Camembert isn't remotely in the category of cheeses being discussed: it's not a bleu cheese and is not inoculated with mold.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:37 AM on December 13, 2012 [5 favorites]

What is the verb form of that? "To cheesemong"?

Among co-workers, I'd say things like "time to mong that cheese".

But based on this I think the verb would be "to monger." I monger; you monger; he/she/it mongers &c. And that the noun contains the subject of the verb, such that you don't "cheesemonger" but you "monger some/the cheese".

I would also accept "sling".
posted by gauche at 9:40 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

I don't eat Roquefort; mold fuck in it.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:41 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also, who slices Camembert? Doesn't everyone spread it or is that just me?
posted by Navelgazer at 9:41 AM on December 13, 2012

What is the verb form of that? "To cheesemong"?

It's already a verb. monger, mongering, mongered.
posted by zamboni at 9:43 AM on December 13, 2012

Not sure I understand the wording of this post. Camembert isn't remotely in the category of cheeses being discussed: it's not a bleu cheese and is not inoculated with mold.


Well now you have blown it. Now everyone is going to eat up all the Camembert.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:43 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

George_Spiggott: "Not sure I understand the wording of this post. Camembert isn't remotely in the category of cheeses being discussed: it's not a bleu cheese and is not inoculated with mold."

"The surface of each cheese is then sprayed with an aqueous suspension of the mould Penicillium camemberti and the cheeses are left to ripen for at least three weeks." saith Wikipedia.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

You need an individual with mating type 1 to meet up with another individual of mating type 2 in order to induce sex. And guess what? In some of the cheeses they investigated, molds of both mating types were present. In the same cheese.

Aw, I was hoping for a fromage à trois. I bet that mold is just doing it missionary.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

There used to be a restaurant here that did fried camembert. ohmygodsogood
posted by solotoro at 9:46 AM on December 13, 2012

Step 1: cut a hole in the cheese.
posted by Mayor West at 9:49 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Another way to look at this is that, from the mold's perspective, my mouth is the killer in a teen slasher movie.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:59 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

From TFA: "So, bottom line, I don’t know if there is sex going on in the cheese you eat."

We may be ejaculating over this finding prematurely.
posted by yoink at 9:59 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Pokefort
Gorgonzhola
Cumembert
Sinburger
posted by orme at 10:01 AM on December 13, 2012 [4 favorites]

Nice try, cheese, but you don't compare to tiny spiders that live on my face and have sex and eat me!
posted by Mister_A at 10:10 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cheap, fast, Amurican-style, sex-on-a-cracker hors d'oeuvre: Buy a thingie of Pillsbury Crescent Roll dough. Pop it open satisfyingly, unroll dough onto a piece of waxed paper, and smoosh closed the perforations. Place mini-wheel of Camembert in center and wrap it up like a present in the dough. Bake until browned outside and glooshy inside. Serve with fig jam if you're all fancy-like. Bask in praise.
posted by argonauta at 10:11 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Hmm. We make our sex-on-a-cracker hors d'oeuvres differently, argonauta.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:14 AM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

at first i thought that said "Cuisinart" and I was like 'damn, that IS kinky'
posted by sexyrobot

....Eponysterical!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:37 AM on December 13, 2012

These are two of my favorite things!
posted by iamkimiam at 10:37 AM on December 13, 2012

Finally a better answer to "why don't you like the cheese?" than a shrug.
posted by empatterson at 10:46 AM on December 13, 2012

Yeah, this doesn't gross me out one bit. I will take all of the stinky cheese you don't want, people who don't want delicious stinky cheese.
posted by gauche at 5:19 PM on December 13

Not if I get to it first, you won't.

All the finest foods taste of corruption and sin. All of them.
posted by Decani at 10:53 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

Even pizza?
posted by Mister_A at 10:56 AM on December 13, 2012

Look who hasn't had sex surrounded by pizza, is my question.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:58 AM on December 13, 2012

Pizzic sex > Tantric sex 'cause pizza.
posted by Mister_A at 11:02 AM on December 13, 2012

I lovelovelove fermentation. If I had my way I'd only consume fermented foods. Beer, cheese (more stinky, please), bread, tempeh. Bring it on!
posted by The Sprout Queen at 11:12 AM on December 13, 2012

Ctrl-F'd cum, not disappointed
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:25 AM on December 13, 2012

Monger is an interesting word. It means :

A dealer in a specific commodity, normally used in combination.

[Middle English mongere, from Old English mangere, from Latin mang, dealer in slaves, probably of Greek origin.]

Specifically meaning they did not produce or capture the object themselves, it designates a middleman. I think that's neat.
posted by The Whelk at 11:33 AM on December 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

Are you grossed out by blue cheese?

FUCK(ing) BLUE CHEESE
posted by ninjew at 11:42 AM on December 13, 2012

Specifically meaning they did not produce or capture the object themselves, it designates a middleman. I think that's neat.

Or that they are not going to fight in the war themselves.
posted by gauche at 11:49 AM on December 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

exactly! It's a fun word!
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Even pizza?
posted by Mister_A at 6:56 PM on December 13

With the toppings I like on my pizza, hell yes.
posted by Decani at 12:20 PM on December 13, 2012

I once had caviar on a fancy pizza.

It was pretty good.
posted by griphus at 1:07 PM on December 13, 2012

Commie.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:15 PM on December 13, 2012

I will tolerate no slut-shaming around my blue cheese.

Related: How to host your own blue cheese orgy.
posted by subject_verb_remainder at 1:16 PM on December 13, 2012

The surface of each cheese is then sprayed with an aqueous suspension of the mould Penicillium camemberti and the cheeses are left to ripen for at least three weeks

This is actually beautiful to see. The mould grows on the cheese until it covers it like a soft, thick coat of white fur. Young camemberts look like this. After a while the mould shrivels, turning into the yummy rind we all love. I'm sure camembert moulds don't have filthy sex though, they're too virginal and pure for that.
posted by elgilito at 1:50 PM on December 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cheesemaking dates back nearly 7,000 years
posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:54 PM on December 13, 2012

I can't wait to tell the next person I see eating blue cheese, etc. that the fungus is having sex right then and there. /my laugh is an evil laugh
posted by deborah at 5:28 PM on December 13, 2012

I put the fungus sex in my mouth and I lick it.
posted by The Whelk at 5:47 PM on December 13, 2012

It's already a verb. monger, mongering, mongered.

Yes. My wife the cheesemonger participated in a cheesemonger competition in New York this year. People were mongering up a storm.

Also, sex cheese is the best cheese!
posted by lumpenprole at 11:11 PM on December 13, 2012

FFS, this is attempt 4 at typing this.

Any , shortest possible version: Lactose = sugar in milk made of glucose and galactose
Lactase = enzyme that processes lactose to simpler sugars

Sweet dairy gods, please let this post this time.
posted by maryr at 1:13 AM on December 14, 2012

I can't wait to tell the next person I see eating blue cheese, etc. that the fungus is having sex right then and there. /my laugh is an evil laugh
posted by deborah at 1:28 AM on December 14

To which I would leeringly reply, "That must be why it tastes like an orgy in my mouth. MMMMM."
posted by Decani at 1:39 AM on December 14, 2012

I have been eating a very nice Roquefort this week. It's slippery, soft and pretty much sex already, without the knowledge that the mold might be sexing.

Somebody left the pumpkin slices in the oven for 3 hours, rather than take them out after 40 minutes, so they were almost caramelised and very sweet and dense. Combined with a caramelised red onion and some leek and cavolo nero they made a pretty nice pasta accompaniment. The cooked penne were combined with a very generous amount of Roquefort (which I had attempted to chop up), copious black pepper and a bit of olive oil and stirred around for 30 seconds until covered in the liquified cheese, at which point the rest of the ingredients were added. Served up and NOM NOM NOM.
posted by asok at 5:45 AM on December 14, 2012