To Be Highly Praised And Appreciated By Consuming Public!

December 22, 2012 9:12 PM

Rhinoceroses are purple, they have rounded faces like hippos, they have long, curved stinging tails like scorpions, and they have flashlights in their mouths. Oh, and when those lights are activated, they make pig noises. This is actually a great toy for a kid who’s afraid of the dark and also afraid of conventional, non-cute, non-noise-making flashlights. Or for someone who needs a primer in the genetic-engineering technology of 2075 and how it will be used to create monstrous hybrids to serve our every need, including our need for rhinoceroscorpion light sources. It's time for the A.V. Club's annual Cheap Toy Roundup.
posted by davidjmcgee (14 comments total)

Games With Key Chain (REALLY WORKS!!)

I need this.

“Games With Key Chain” looks like a funny absurdist joke, filled with random bits and pieces that don’t look like they relate to each other in any way.

I REALLY need this.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:19 PM on December 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

See, I read this and I'm already imagining a tragic vignette. A single mother who can only afford some of these terrible toys for her child. She only has enough time to run to the drug store between shifts. It's her effort to create some semblance of Holiday cheer for her precious baby in her hard hard life. And then Christmas comes. The little one makes an effort to look happy, but they both know the truth. And everyone's sparkle dulls just a little bit. And dreams don't always come true. And Santa's only for the rich kids.

Happy holidays.
posted by leotrotsky at 9:25 PM on December 22, 2012 [21 favorites]

The Marines locally would wrap each of these up, and move heaven and earth to make certain at least one child per got some. Hoo-rah! (I supported Toy for Tots this year, and my folks all but ran it in the seaside town in NJ my Dad grew up in. Yo the Marines!)
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:42 PM on December 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Today I learned that "stink bag" in French is "sac puant."
posted by and so but then, we at 10:31 PM on December 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Heh. My six year old has the fingerlights, or upmarket variant thereof. She loves those things.

(She'd be all over Flarp! as well. She must never know of Flarp!.)
posted by Artw at 10:36 PM on December 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

This is far more awesome than it should be.
posted by Night_owl at 10:45 PM on December 22, 2012

That shark so clearly needs someone to cuddle it - want!
posted by naoko at 10:46 PM on December 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

HAPPY SUPERIOR is something I would absolutely buy and give to someone because holy shit.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:27 PM on December 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

My six year old has the fingerlights, or upmarket variant thereof.

So do I, except mine have clips instead of little ring thingies. i use them all the time as little flashlights. I acquired them at Ax-Man, which shares a not inconsiderable amount of inventory with a sad sad dollar store but is the best place ever.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:42 PM on December 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Why is there no comic superhero named SPEED POWERFUL? Come on, Marvel - get on it!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:43 AM on December 23, 2012

I acquired them at Ax-Man,

Oh god that mascot! So cheerful! So horrifying!
posted by and so but then, we at 6:30 AM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Man, I remember this crap. As a kid growing up poor, my mom and grandma would take me to terrible off-brand stores and declining department stores, and I'd always go straight to the toy section... only to be horrified. I remember once finding a bright pink dinosaur in a package advertising a car that said IT GO!.

I think of these stores as the "second wave" of commercial conglomeration, a weird progression: Sky City → Roses → K-Mart → Wal-Mart/Target. As the megacorp waves came in, the regional players started selling the most worthless crap, as if shoveling this stuff into their bins would somehow save them from the predatory competitors. I honestly think that's why Wal-Mart and Target have proven so resilient; no matter what you can say about them, they sell things that are generally useful, and even (for what they are) of decent quality. If you need a clothes basket, you can go to Wal-Mart or Target and buy one for less than $10 that will probably do what you need it to do. The previous alternatives couldn't make that promise... you might go to Roses expecting to buy something and find that the entire department has been replaced by a POTPOURRI EXTRAVAGANZA just in time for Easter. (True story: they took out the Nintendo games and put in a fake flower section sometime around 1990, then brought the Nintendo games back a couple months later. Really, guys?)
posted by sonic meat machine at 7:10 AM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I always bought the best crap toys at POUNDLAND and the like, back when I was a student and just searching out the crappest toy was an entertainment in itself.
posted by Artw at 7:19 AM on December 23, 2012

These are hysterical, but they're no Bag O'Glass
posted by Mchelly at 2:56 PM on December 23, 2012