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You bite the fry THE FRY BITES BACK
December 22, 2012 10:15 PM   Subscribe

For your listening pleasure: A Five Guys hamburger review, Songified (SLYT)

(the original review unsongified)

The Gregory Brothers have appeared on the blue before, most previously here. Take a peek at their main youtube channel and you'll find that in addition to being the talents behind the popular Autotune the News and Songify series (featuring Joseph Gordon-Levitt!), they're also talented musicians in their own right, sometimes doing acoustic versions of their own autotune mixes. They even occasionally do slightly more traditional songs.

Official Website
Wikipedia entry
A 2009 interview with John Hockenberry.

And finally, in the spirit of the winter holiday season, a live performance of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
posted by Doleful Creature (60 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
If I could enjoy anything as much as that guy is enjoying that burger, I would be a happy, happy man.
posted by koeselitz at 10:33 PM on December 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


Damn.
posted by mintcake! at 11:02 PM on December 22, 2012


Not joking here, just mentioning for posterity, that song kind of moves me...
posted by SounderCoo at 11:04 PM on December 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


True story: after watching it I drove straight over to Five Guys and bought me a double bacon cheeseburger. It was as good as the song said it would be. OH MY DAMN!
posted by Doleful Creature at 11:05 PM on December 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Guess he's never had In-n-Out. Hell, even Sonic is better.
posted by Brocktoon at 11:29 PM on December 22, 2012


Not to be opinionated about it, but –

Five Guys doesn't have green chile as an option. Not even here in New Mexico, where one would think it would be expected. New Mexico is filled with the greatest burgers on the face of the earth, so Five Guys' grease-reanimated pre-frozen pink slime dust cakes are already way behind the pack, but the fact that they don't offer green chile basically removes them from being a contender on any list of good burgers.

Still, like I said, I wish I enjoyed anything as much as that awesome guy.
posted by koeselitz at 11:49 PM on December 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


One of the other software developers for my company lives in the Ukraine. He recently visited here for a couple weeks, and one night I took him to a Five Guys near our office. While we were eating, he said "I think they are lying to us. Since we've been here I've counted at least seven people in the kitchen."
posted by A dead Quaker at 11:52 PM on December 22, 2012 [21 favorites]


I suspect you took his joke in earnest.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:17 AM on December 23, 2012


Five Guys' grease-reanimated pre-frozen pink slime dust cakes

FWIW, Five Guys does not use pink slime.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:22 AM on December 23, 2012


FWIW, pink slime isn't anything to be afraid of.
posted by Blue_Villain at 12:54 AM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


It's lower-quality. Tastes like crap and often contains bone chunks.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:03 AM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


This man is the Carl Sagan of hamburgers.

That's not a Hamburger.
posted by cmoj at 1:04 AM on December 23, 2012


Guess he's never had In-n-Out. Hell, even Sonic is better.

I can't preclude the idea that the Five Guys in your area are somehow different, but if they're not extremely different... what the fuck are you talking about?
posted by cmoj at 1:08 AM on December 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


How can you even ask that question? Your favorite thing sucks, duh.
posted by indubitable at 1:14 AM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hell, even Sonic is better.

Perhaps the Sonic near you is the shining exemplar of the chain and the Five Guys is run out of an Express Oil Change by syphilitic monkeys.

Because there is simply no other way that that statement could be true.

And I love me some tots, dude.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:20 AM on December 23, 2012 [13 favorites]


I have a complex relationship with Five Guys where I eat it andc it is delicious and then the burger spends the rest of the day making me fveel like ass. As I've never. Ad that problem with Shake Shack, I just go there now.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:31 AM on December 23, 2012


You've got to watch out for Shake Shack, though. Over time their food can cause muscular disorders that interfere with your fine motor skills.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:02 AM on December 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Turns out I've seen enough of these vids that this song reminds me of other GB songs. I regret nothing.

However, their Songify app requires a ton of permissions and now I'm hungry, so the good comes with the bad. Not sure this will ever get old though.
posted by ersatz at 5:45 AM on December 23, 2012


I love this because.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:56 AM on December 23, 2012


Five Guys does not use pink slime. It also does not use pre-frozen meat. This is actually very important to the company as it is a burger chain that needs to distinguish itself from McDonalds to survive. There's probably other reasons people could have for disliking it, but it's better to focus on factual ones.
posted by Winnemac at 6:00 AM on December 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


So, let me come into this topic specifically to tell you why the burger you love is a piece of crap and not fit for even me to take a dump on, and to counter with my own, which is actually another regional or national chain that is vastly superior to your disease ridden herd-sourced mound of frankenbeef, because I said so.

We are ALL Yelpers now.
posted by FJT at 6:38 AM on December 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


I can't preclude the idea that the Five Guys in your area are somehow different, but if they're not extremely different... what the fuck are you talking about?

The original ones out East are delicious. The ones in the midwest use a different meat. It is not as good. They also don't train their people as well. I had a truly mediocre burger (to anyone's standards) at the location in Bolingbrook, IL. The dude cooking it did everything possible to ruin it- didn't let it sear properly, kept flipping it over and squishing the juice out, and overcooked it terribly.

I could not be more disappointed.
posted by gjc at 6:56 AM on December 23, 2012


Five Guys > In-n-Out

I've had both. In-n-Out's a good burger, no doubt, but it's not as good as Five Guys.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:21 AM on December 23, 2012


Is it me, or does that one Gregory look a lot like young Bob Dylan?
posted by leotrotsky at 7:25 AM on December 23, 2012


I went to the Five Guys in Toronto at Yonge and Dundas the other day to see what all the fuss was about, and...if I wanted to feel like a tourist getting ripped off, I'd go to an East Side Mario's in Niagara Falls or something.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:50 AM on December 23, 2012


The last time I went to a Five Guys, I ordered just a bacon cheeseburger, no fries (since that's already enough salt and grease and stuff to stupefy me for the rest of the afternoon), and when I got up to the pick-up end of the counter, the guy shoveling fries into the bag said, "Do you want fries?" and I said "Oh, no, I just ordered the burger", and he gave me a look like you would give a mildly retarded sheep to whom you are explaining, for the thirtieth time, how to chew grass, and slowly said, "I. got. extra. fries. Do. you. want. fries?"

So I had fries and almost fell asleep and died on the drive home, but they were tasty fries.
posted by Wolfdog at 7:56 AM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I suspect you took his joke in earnest.

No, I laughed when he told it and I thought I'd share it here. He has a great sense of humor. I didn't mean to make it sound like something that wasn't a joke.
posted by A dead Quaker at 7:57 AM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


@wolfdog: The fries have no shelf life. They will cook the meat early if you order ahead, but not the fries. They are served fresh or not at all. So those fries had to go to a good home. In this case, in your belly!
posted by parliboy at 8:08 AM on December 23, 2012


This isn't a double? At the very least I remember this being linked from the "things you should have seen in the Internet in 2012" list.
posted by spitefulcrow at 8:17 AM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Five Guys vs. Smashburger... opinions? I haven't tried Five Guys, though I've heard occasional bad reports; Smashburger is currently my favorite cheap burger.
posted by jiawen at 8:43 AM on December 23, 2012


The original ones out East are delicious. The ones in the midwest use a different meat. It is not as good.

If they suck out west for some reason, I guess that explains the constant In-N-Out evangelism in every Five Guys thread.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:49 AM on December 23, 2012


Guess he's never had In-n-Out. Hell, even Sonic is better.

Dude are you ok?
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 9:15 AM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


kept flipping it over

Actually it has been scientifically proven that frequent flips are the key to a nicely seared outside without a big grey ring of blah on the inside!
posted by kenko at 9:43 AM on December 23, 2012


Winnemac: "Five Guys does not use pink slime. It also does not use pre-frozen meat. This is actually very important to the company as it is a burger chain that needs to distinguish itself from McDonalds to survive. There's probably other reasons people could have for disliking it, but it's better to focus on factual ones."

I am actually willing to bet cold hard cash that this is not true of Five Guys locations west of the Mississippi. It really clearly isn't true in New Mexico. The burgers here are visibly and edibly inferior to non-pre-frozen, and have all the hallmarks of pre-frozen stuff. Seriously, I think they're a different beast from whatever Five Guys enthusiasts are used to. I guess I don't blame what has become a massive chain for having supply troubles in covering the entire US, but they really seem to vary widely in quality. And I am willing to hold off on my opinion of them until I eat at one of their eastern locations, for the record.
posted by koeselitz at 10:34 AM on December 23, 2012


(Also, to be clear, In-N-Out is inferior to Blake's Lotaburger. People just don't know.)
posted by koeselitz at 10:36 AM on December 23, 2012


The one in Toronto has terrible fries. I love fries. I eat 'em all up. I threw out 3/4s of the Five Guys fries. Truly horrible. The burger, however, was terrific.

As for In N Out... it's okay, but nothing spectacular. Obviously better than Micky D's, but a mortal to the god-sandwich at Fatburger. No contest.
posted by dobbs at 10:56 AM on December 23, 2012


I am actually willing to bet cold hard cash that this is not true of Five Guys locations west of the Mississippi.

According to their website, "There are no freezers in Five Guys locations, just coolers. Nothing is ever frozen.".

So either they're outright liars, or you're wrong.
posted by inigo2 at 11:23 AM on December 23, 2012


If they suck out west for some reason, I guess that explains the constant In-N-Out evangelism in every Five Guys thread.

It probably has more with history, entrenched regional tastes, and deep brand loyalty. In-N-Out has been around since 1948 (beaten by McD's for only 8 years). It was referenced in The Big Lebowski. Which was fitting, since this was a Hollywood movie taking place in modern day Southern California directed by the purveyors of stylized Americana, the Coen Brothers.

As I get home from work I drive down the thoroughfare of chain fast food places known as Orange County, CA. On any random night, which eatery is consistently full, every single time? Which drive thru is bottlenecked into the street and sometimes down to the end of the block? It ain't McDonald's or Wendy's or Chick-Fil-A or Five Guys. It's In-N-Out.

And this happens, even with no billboard advertisements, no TV ads, and the last radio ad I remember hearing was from a year ago. It dumbfounds me when I think about it for any length of time. The only reasonable explanation is that In-N-Out isn't a fast food restaurant anymore. It's an institution. Or a memetic virus. Or magic.
posted by FJT at 11:34 AM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


In-n-Out's fries suck, their burgers are meh, and I don't particularly love the sneaky religious evangelism. They give me heartburn and make my mouth unhappy.

Five Guys burgers are really bad for me, greasy and salty and meaty and I can get them with bacon and bbq sauce and mayo and to many fries and they make my mouth happy and then I go home and have a little boa-constrictor-esque food nap.

Ergo, Five Guys > In-n-Out.

And because my personal tastes are clearly more correct and right than the people who hate Five Guys and it causes me deep personal grief and pain to see my favorite burger joint dissed, I'm going to post "OMG IN-N-OUT SUCKS" every time this debate comes up, as though it will somehow sway people who love In-n-Out and hate Five Guys to change their minds, even though it's clearly just a matter of personal taste, like preferring sweet tea (which is an abomination) to plain iced tea with lemon (which is the perfect drink)

In conclusion, if you like In-n-Out or sweet tea, you are a communist.
posted by FritoKAL at 11:49 AM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


inigo2: “So either they're outright liars, or you're wrong.”

Have you ever eaten at a Five Guys in New Mexico? Seriously, from the descriptions here, something is different and wrong. And yes, give the vagaries of franchising, I'm not really sure.
posted by koeselitz at 12:01 PM on December 23, 2012


FJT: “As I get home from work I drive down the thoroughfare of chain fast food places known as Orange County, CA.”

Why are we arguing about chains, anyway? Man. Don't we all know better burgers outside chains?
posted by koeselitz at 12:09 PM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just yesterday I ate at Hudson's in Coeur d'Alene and it was one of the best damned burgers I have ever had. Best I tell you.

And I still love Five Guys.
posted by djeo at 12:18 PM on December 23, 2012


I've had In-N-Out. And I've had Five Guys.

Five Guys is better. Not the best burger I've ever had, but still pretty darn good. Also, I love this video so much. It's what the internet was invented for, or should be.
posted by ubernostrum at 12:41 PM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


In-N-Out is inferior to Blake's Lotaburger

In-n-Out's fries suck, their burgers are meh

I've had In-N-Out. And I've had Five Guys. Five Guys is better

I'm not angry, metafilter, I'm just disappointed.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 12:57 PM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


There's a place outside Santa Fe that's part of a gas station called Horseman's Haven. They have burgers the size of your freaking head with some of the hottest chile I've ever had in my life. My god they're good.

There's also this hole in the wall in the miniscule town of El Rito, New Mexico called El Farolito. It's fantastic, their burgers are insanely good, and they also have the best sweet sopapillas I have ever had in my life.

If we're going to talk about awesome, awesome burgers, and since I'm indulging in my New Mexico boosterism, let me recommend heartily Gil Garduno's insanely good New Mexico Gastronome blog. Here are a few reviews on the 2011 New Mexico Green Chile Cheeseburger Trail.
posted by koeselitz at 1:00 PM on December 23, 2012


I was all over this months ago. Could be my actual favorite song of 2012.
posted by murfed13 at 1:19 PM on December 23, 2012


Oh my damn. I am craving some serious Five Guys right now.

Also, In-N-Out and Five Guys are a totally different kind of burger. In-N-Out is the scientifically perfected fast food burger, with traditional toppings and Thousand Island, and it's small and quick and easy to eat. Five Guys is a giant hunk of meat with a wide variety of topping choices, something a little more substantial, a serious meal that you want to dig into. They are both delicious, but I can very clearly identify the difference between an In-N-Out craving and a Five Guys craving.

However: even though I am FROM northern Virginia, I actually do prefer In-N-Out by a tiny margin.
posted by capricorn at 2:36 PM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Five Guys burger in San Jose is petty good- like an upscale In-n-Out burger. I make better hamburgers of course, but sometimes I don't want to cook and want a decent burger. And the fries are fantastic. I'd be tempted to go there just for the fries.
posted by happyroach at 3:37 PM on December 23, 2012


I'm going to post "OMG IN-N-OUT SUCKS" every time this debate comes up

Every time you post that, I will eat in-n-out.

Spite is delicious.
posted by flaterik at 3:38 PM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I ate at the London Ontario Five Guys. I thought that the burger was good but the fries were the star of the show.
posted by Harpocrates at 3:55 PM on December 23, 2012


In the interest of science, I had a Five Guys burger and fries this afternoon after doing some shopping. It was a very good burger and fries. I did not, at any point, say "dayum". The girl at the counter had rainbow hair, which was cheery (and, as she pointed out, matched my Derpy shirt).

I don't have time to visit New Mexico this evening for purposes of comparison.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:28 PM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Five Guys:In-N-Out::In-N-Out:Carl's Jr.

I've lived in both the DC area and the Bay Area. I love me some double-doubles, animal style, with well-done fries (the animal-style fries are gross, though). But I will kill a man for a Five Guys bacon cheeseburger and a bag full of fries.

Also, Five Guys provides the only civilised French Fry condiment - malt vinegar.
posted by hanov3r at 5:00 PM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


A Five Guys Burger tastes like little more than a homemade, sloppy Whopper.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:24 PM on December 23, 2012


I enjoy how someone took a comment that included a statement about liking In-n-Out making you a communist as something serious.
posted by FritoKAL at 6:02 PM on December 23, 2012


Are you saying communists aren't serious, now? Is there no end to your blasphemy?
posted by flaterik at 6:45 PM on December 23, 2012


The secret to enjoying a Five Guys burger is to minimize the toppings. Otherwise it's a gloopy mess and no fun at all. But restrain yourself to lettuce, pickles, and mustard and it SINGS.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:00 PM on December 23, 2012


Screw that. Lettuce, tomato, grilled onions and mushrooms, fresh green peppers, and some ketchup more for sentimental value than anything else because you can barely taste it through the veggies and cheese. It combines into a delicious, sloppy, multifaceted whole that you must devour before the bun falls apart under the stress.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:09 PM on December 23, 2012


The song makes me think of my own history with cheeseburgers. And that people in this thread are doing it wrong.

I grew up downwind from a White Castle, and a McDonald's with a single arch and a scary, vandalized Ronald figurine out front. Both were better back then, technology had yet to intrude on ground beef.

My father transferred to DC and we found Roy Rogers. Two cheeseburgers, fries and drink for 3 dollars. The realtor said it heated up well, but that the foil made sparks in the microwave. It is not because I replicated the realtor's experiment that I don't recommend RR anymore.

I took a 28 day, mostly vegetarian Outward Bound course when I was 16. The diet kept almost everyone else full and happy. I didn't complain, thinking constant hunger was part of the plan. I didn't need to, but I lost weight and looked emaciated by the end of that course. That last week, I had olfactory illusions of grilled cheeseburgers. It would start in my nose and then become a fully articulated synesthetic experience. Not kidding-I could smell them at random times on the trail when we were at least 10 miles from anyone that might have been grilling. I could breathe through my mouth and taste it. I knew somebody was eating cheeseburgers just out of sight, and I hated them for it.

And you know what? That's what every single one of us ordered at the Portland airport when we escaped/completed the course. Not the best place for that fare, but they served us beer too.

Was it just my callow youth? Or was the monsterburger at Hardee's (back when they used to grill them) not the very best drive-thru huge burger that you could still eat while driving a manual? It held together with one hand and packed a stomach filling wallop.

I used to go to Five Guys when they had one location. It was often just 4 guys working and complaining about the fifth. Crazy good burgers, camaraderie in the open kitchen. A bit of performance art for the hungry. Then I moved away. Years later, someone using their name followed me. The franchise nearby is but a mere projection on the burger cave wall. Not the same. Not one bit.

Sonic was not abysmal back then and there, but it is here and now. Cook Out was OK the first couple times, but they use zombie cheese and did something to my gut on my last visit. Every chain experiments with bacon temperature and preservation now and I don't like being experimented upon.

I know of a single place that makes burgers right. They close at two on Saturdays and will be unavailable until Tuesday, but this thread: Dammit!

I have an old fryer, two 16 inch iron pans, a huge potato, wild scallions, rendered duck fat, 8 rye buns, 4 lbs of sirloin, a meat grinder, a 1/4 lb of bacon, and a bit of caviar that I whipped into some cream cheese yesterday. Everything except the buns and the caviar came from farms on the other side of the road. I made the buns and hope to have a pet sturgeon soon.

Preheating the cast iron so I can haz cheeseburger.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:57 PM on December 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


If you weren't alive before the the mid-70's you have never actually tasted a real French Fry. It's like "Greek Fire" -- the recipe has vanished from our consciousness, buried when they knocked down the last maltshop from the 50's, carried on briefly by DairyQueen (until they succumbed to economic pressure to homogenize).

When your frame of reference for French Fries is "McDonalds", it is no wonder that you rate Five Guys fries highly, but the simple fact remains: If you can bend the ends back so that they touch, that's not a French Fry... that's a Mashed Potato Stick.

That said -- their burgers are sublime, but they need to offer dill pickles. Who the freak puts bread-n-butter pickles on a burger???
posted by RavinDave at 11:27 PM on December 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


There used to be 2 Five Guys within about 5 miles of my house. One was always great, one was the most yo-yo quality I ever experienced in a 'chain'. Sometimes it was fine, sometimes it was horrid.

That one's gone now. One day I drove by and they were closed up, 2 employees mopping up what looked like a sprinkler accident. The next week they were shut down.

When it was good though, Dayam, Dayamn Damn! is the best way to describe it.
posted by DigDoug at 9:03 AM on December 24, 2012


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