I wanted to be a sky pirate. I don't understand any of this.

January 15, 2013 2:09 AM

Hungover British non-tech journalist attends German tech press conference. Hilarity ensues. [Possibly slightly NSFW. Via.]
posted by Sonny Jim (59 comments total)

Best tech journalism ever!
posted by fredludd at 2:45 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]

This I could read more of.
posted by flippant at 2:54 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

This was bloody fantastic, thanks.
posted by ominous_paws at 2:59 AM on January 15

This is great. I want all tech press conferences covered like this.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:09 AM on January 15 [3 favorites]

"I am sat in the basement of a hotel..."

I think I need to get treatment for my grammar Nazism because I was so appalled by that I found myself unable to read further.

I. AM. SITTING!

Yes. This has become a problem. I need help.
posted by Decani at 3:12 AM on January 15

I am sat.
posted by Celsius1414 at 3:16 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]

It's a fairly common British regional English variation, although it may grate on the ears of those unused to it. Compare 'I am seated in the basement of a hotel.'
posted by Busy Old Fool at 3:18 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]

A man in charge of something important just made a SEX PISS JOKE at the Panasonic Press Conference and that’s all fine. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Is that fine? Is this just what happens at tech events? I want to have a lie down.

I'm getting gamesjourno flashbacks.
posted by ShawnStruck at 3:19 AM on January 15

It's a common usage, but grammatically it is simply incorrect. The secondary verb needs to agree with the tense of the primary one. Present tense. I am. I am sitting. You don't say "I am did", do you? You say "I am doing".
posted by Decani at 3:22 AM on January 15

Why do they let me drink. Don’t they know the risks involved?

Ah, but the rewards!

Thanks for this article Sonny Jim, hilarious read.
posted by Chichibio at 3:23 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

It's a common usage, but grammatically it is simply incorrect. The secondary verb needs to agree with the tense of the primary one. Present tense. I am. I am sitting. You don't say "I am did", do you? You say "I am doing".

As said, don't compare it to "sitting", compared it to "seated". Passive voice uses the past participle. Grammatically sound.
posted by kafziel at 3:25 AM on January 15 [21 favorites]

It's like Mark Corrigan's inner monologue, but written by Matt Fraction. It's...amazing.
posted by turgid dahlia 2 at 3:38 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]

SEX PISS JOKE
posted by angrycat at 3:48 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

'Wood-Panelled Meat Narnia' is the name of my new band.
posted by Happy Dave at 4:01 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]

I've sent this to every tech/games journo I know with the subject line NOW I UNDERSTAND.
posted by fight or flight at 4:03 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Some footage of the press conference opening. As someone points out on Twitter, the best thing is the "dead, dead silence" at the end.
posted by Sonny Jim at 4:10 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]

Sonny Jim: "Some footage of the press conference opening. As someone points out on Twitter, the best thing is the "dead, dead silence" at the end."

I know marketing is hard and everything, but surely someone, at some point said "Wait a minute folks, this is utterly cheeseball nonsense."

Or is taste really that rare?
posted by Happy Dave at 4:14 AM on January 15

This sounds like almost every tech conference I've ever been to. It really is baffling.
posted by empyrean at 4:19 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

El Reg needs to hire this guy and put him on the consumer electronics beat, soonest. Fantastic read.
posted by Slap*Happy at 4:19 AM on January 15

I don't understand any of this.

Have we finally found fred?
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 4:21 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

It saddens me deeply that this guy wasn't at the Qualcomm CES presentation.
posted by jaduncan at 4:22 AM on January 15 [12 favorites]

Though which to choose? the smaller one which runs android or the larger one that runs windows? Choices choices, They are both very robust and ruggedized.

Also I like the fact that they sport a new kind of bendy pixel.this will be great because I can see the quality of the graphics in heavy rainfall. Now that IS a feature..

I really liked the funny paragraph in which the British journalist tells us that the toughpad is so tough it can probably deflect bullets! It briefly made me forget I was being marketed on.

This was so funny that I'm going to not only buy one, but forward this article to all my mates!
posted by mattoxic at 4:50 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

Yeah, it's Pepsi Blue. It's consumer journalism - what do you expect when you clicked on the link? It'd be a pretty poor article if he didn't mention the product that he was shown. I'm guessing that this article was posted for being a well written (allowing for Northern English grammar) and amusing view into a tech press demo, not as a advertisement for the actual product.

If you don't know the tech, it's hard to be critical of the product, so hyperbole is probably a reasonable approach.

Not planning on buying on of the pads, but it was an amusing read and I'm not clammering for my ten minutes back, so thanks for posting Sonny Jim.
posted by YAMWAK at 4:58 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]

If you came away from this thinking it was an ad for the product or a genuine review, I don't know what to say.
posted by Happy Dave at 5:04 AM on January 15 [11 favorites]

If you came away from this thinking it was an ad for the product or a genuine review, I don't know what to say.

Say "was it the objectifying watersports joke that tipped you into desiring to purchase?"
posted by jaduncan at 5:13 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

Veronica: This is going great!
Ted Crisp: Think how great it would be if we'd come up with a product.
Veronica: Products are for people who don't have presentations.
posted by blue_beetle at 5:16 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]

If you don't know the tech, it's hard to be critical of the product, so hyperbole is probably a reasonable approach.


It's a tablet, a tablet built by a large manufacturer in 2012. The tech is immaterial.
posted by mattoxic at 5:17 AM on January 15

Ah, but you're forgetting that never before has someone made a tablet
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:28 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]

You don't say "I am did", do you? You say "I am doing".

I am done.
posted by biffa at 5:33 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]

Absolutely: of course it's marketing. Of a kind. (But I don't think it's the tablet that's really for sale here.) This, from the comments thread, nicely conveys this post's relationship to Panasonic's marketing division:

Well, Sir, I hope you’re getting a cut of this, because you certainly managed to sell a Toughpad to me. Well done!
Reply
January 15, 2013 grant
Believe it or not I couldn’t sell coverage to anyone, which is why it ended up here [on the journalist's personal website]. I like to think Panasonic will get their money’s worth for the free beer, at least.
Reply

Which is to say: I don't think Panasonic's marketing boffins were like, "well, what we need is a deliberately cheesy, bafflingly misogynistic press launch for this product. Let's just make sure we invite an obscure freelancer from the north of England who can mock it in the appropriate way! Profit!" And if they were, well, they're geniuses.
posted by Sonny Jim at 5:39 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]

It's a common usage, but grammatically it is simply incorrect.

Well, split infinitives are incorrect in Latin but it doesn't stop bore-pedants telling us we can't use them in English.

Now stop the derail or we'll all be sat debating it and skriking at each other for the next two week.
posted by mippy at 6:19 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

I am pedant.
posted by fullerine at 6:21 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Hear me Skrik
posted by fullerine at 6:21 AM on January 15 [7 favorites]

I am sat would also be valid if someone escorted him to that seat. And he was seated there, in the third person sense. eg. I was sat in the balconey of the auditorium by the usher.

oops, sorry mippy

rtfa now
posted by infini at 6:33 AM on January 15

Well, split infinitives are incorrect in Latin but it doesn't stop bore-pedants telling us we can't use them in English.


Splitting infinitives is not incorrect in Latin. Splitting infinitives is impossible in Latin.

Splitting hairs is possible on the internet. HUZZAH!
posted by Peevish at 6:44 AM on January 15 [10 favorites]

Splitting infinitives is impossible

*rapidly glues tives back on*
posted by infini at 6:50 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]

His opinion of Hotline Miami is pretty spot on too.
posted by Molesome at 7:16 AM on January 15

(I think mippy is thinking of preposition stranding, which is ungrammatical in Latin and fine in non-bore-pedant English.)

But while we're pedant-boring — what the hell is up with "sacrification"? I'm with the reporter on this one: Huh? Is that a word that people use? Does it mean anything in this context?
posted by and so but then, we at 7:24 AM on January 15

I, back in the day, WAS a tech journalist. It doesn't help.
posted by Naberius at 7:28 AM on January 15

... accompanied by a hyperloud xylophone soundtrack that slices through my hangover like cheesewire though lukewarm gouda.

As a parent of small children, I can relate to this.
posted by Kabanos at 7:28 AM on January 15 [3 favorites]

Jan talks about retina displays and the way that the human eye can only perceive a certain number of pixels at a certain range and something about PPI. I think Panasonic has invented a new kind of pixel. A bendy pixel. I don’t understand. What does PPI stand for? What am I doing with my life? Why am I here in this basement in Munich at the age of 26 staring at a man fire a laser pointer at a graph? How did this happen? I wanted to be a Sky Pirate. I don’t understand any of this.

This is a nice summation of my day-to-day professional life.
posted by schmod at 7:50 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]

Incidentally, "I wanted to be a sky pirate. I don't understand any of this." is the basic plot of Final Fantasy XII.
posted by Vorteks at 8:07 AM on January 15 [17 favorites]

Amusing and informative. That Panasonic Toughpad sounds well weapon.
posted by comealongpole at 8:24 AM on January 15

This is a nice summation of my day-to-day professional life.

Mine too. Eventually I came to realise two things.

a) They don't either.
b) It doesn't matter.
posted by fullerine at 8:25 AM on January 15

I. AM. SITTING!


You're gonna argue with Kate Bush?

Also

a restaurant that went on for miles and miles like some wood-panelled meat Narnia

is some glorious hung-over writing.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:00 AM on January 15 [4 favorites]

I know a senior product development exec for Panasonic who attended CES. Luckily, though, he's responsible for videocameras, and not this hot mess.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:12 AM on January 15

What am I doing with my life? Why am I here in this basement in Munich at the age of 26 staring at a man fire a laser pointer at a graph? How did this happen? I wanted to be a Sky Pirate. I don’t understand any of this.

Didn't we all, pal. Didn't we all.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:24 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Decani: The secondary verb needs to agree with the tense of the primary one.

He done it - I seen him did it. He wuv his hand, clamb in his car, and druv off; and there was nothing I could did about it but sat and seen him went.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 AM on January 15 [9 favorites]

Which is to say: I don't think Panasonic's marketing boffins were like, "well, what we need is a deliberately cheesy, bafflingly misogynistic press launch for this product. Let's just make sure we invite an obscure freelancer from the north of England who can mock it in the appropriate way! Profit!" And if they were, well, they're geniuses.

Somewhere, Hubertus Bigend steeples his fingers and looks enigmatic.
posted by BrashTech at 10:49 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]

I could care less about "sat". That was damned entertaining.
posted by Ber at 11:11 AM on January 15

Why did they have those women dressed as Aviation Police?
posted by mazola at 11:12 AM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Why did they have those women dressed as Aviation Police?
I bet they weren't even dressed as aviation police and it's just the author's frustrated sky piracy aspirations that have him thinking they looked like aviation police.
posted by juv3nal at 11:46 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]

Ber: "I could care less about "sat". That was damned entertaining."

Couldn't. Couldn't care less. Since it's apparently pedant day.
posted by Happy Dave at 11:48 AM on January 15 [2 favorites]

That was so funny. They should have a writer of this calibre/lack of experience at all tech reveal events.

Shame he couldn't get a buy on this - great stuff, and made me seriously consider the product even as I was laughing at it. Rare.

So many ridiculously amusing quotes!
posted by batmonkey at 12:27 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

The other stuff at his site is good too, including a great piece on Spec Ops: The Line.

Which you should probably play before reading it because it is so, so good.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:31 PM on January 15

Shame he couldn't get a buy on this - great stuff, and made me seriously consider the product even as I was laughing at it. Rare.

It has now been sold to Gizmodo.
posted by jaduncan at 3:44 PM on January 15

That was the funniest thing I've read in a while.
posted by Dasein at 8:27 PM on January 15

This article made me laugh out loud for the first time today.
posted by h00py at 5:32 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]

The article was great. You know what I'd like to see him commentate on? This thread.
posted by chill at 4:55 AM on January 22