Ohhhh... Canadaaaa...

January 18, 2013 3:32 PM

To some, Canada's greatest guilty pleasure is Poutine (here are 38 variations, all on one page, THANK you Foodbeast) or William Shatner (who is bringing his one-man show to MY town tomorrow evening). But there are things most of us don't know about the Nice Folk to the North. Therefore, a new site for CANADIAN SEX ACTS, kind of a Kanada Sutra. NSFW and age restricted, this new site may have performance problems (insert snarky comment here); if so, just enjoy the list of names of great white north positions (Reverse Rick Moranis, Montreal Meatpie, Five-Legged Caribou...)
posted by oneswellfoop (66 comments total)

What do you call the sex act greedy inept money men and lawyers south of the border perform on your national sport?
posted by C.A.S. at 3:34 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]

Canada's national foods sound like sex acts.
posted by indubitable at 3:35 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

Is this based on that HIMYM episode?
posted by Superplin at 3:37 PM on January 18

I clicked on the link of 38 variations of poutine, but "bacon poutine" was right at the top and I'm wondering why you even need 37 more.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:37 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

Yup, the Canadian Sex Acts page is a leftover gag from a three year old episode of How I Met Your Mother.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:38 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]

Fondle my Timbits, baby.
posted by benito.strauss at 3:40 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]

Canadians have sex?
posted by mazola at 3:42 PM on January 18

"bacon poutine" was right at the top and I'm wondering why you even need 37 more."

The rest must be for scale.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:42 PM on January 18

Huh, I looked but I couldn't find the "Closeted self-loathing foreign minister"
posted by docgonzo at 3:44 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]

I had a bacon poutine at 3am last week in Montreal. Still full.
posted by mannequito at 3:48 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that the producers of How I Met Your Mother would create a fake website... or twenty-two.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:48 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]

What do you call the sex act greedy inept money men and lawyers south of the border perform on your national sport?

That would be a "Bettman's Timbit."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:49 PM on January 18

Canadians have sex?

No. We're far too advanced for that sticky mess, eh. How do you thing we afford all these social services, eh? When the elders retire from the puck factory they're shoved off into Canuck Bay on an ice floe, eh. A New One is collected from the St. Lawrence, a gift from the Great Immaculate Beaver, eh.

There's one exception to that, eh. Every four years we make our Prime Minister out of a big potato, and a toupee, eh. We give him raisin eyes and LensCrafters glasses, eh. Then when he's done we make him into poutine, eh.
posted by jimmythefish at 3:51 PM on January 18 [9 favorites]

I almost had poutine last night for the first time, but I figure it wouldn't be authentic if it was created by some gourmet chef at a stand at a music fest. Plus it had chilli.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 3:52 PM on January 18

Canadians have sex?

Only gay sex. We prefer to increase our population by immigration.
posted by jb at 3:52 PM on January 18 [11 favorites]

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that the producers of How I Met Your Mother would create a fake website... or twenty-two.

I won't be impressed until they make a real Hoser Hut.
posted by jimmythefish at 3:57 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]

damn, wrong thread
posted by jet_silver at 4:00 PM on January 18

Kraft Dingler
posted by orme at 4:01 PM on January 18

I won't be impressed until they make a real Hoser Hut.

I'd rather they make Puzzles.
posted by Talez at 4:05 PM on January 18

The Mario Lemieuuugh
posted by mannequito at 4:09 PM on January 18

Double-Double
posted by davebush at 4:10 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

All these sex positions are just Alan Thicke looking annoyed.

I expected more from you, Canada.
posted by elizardbits at 4:14 PM on January 18

Double-Double? Suddenly those In-N-Out Burger bumper stickers make sense... but what does that have to do with Canada?
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:15 PM on January 18

that's All In Thicke
posted by mannequito at 4:16 PM on January 18

MONSIEUR JOURDAIN
Oh, really? So when I say: "Nicole bring me my slippers and fetch my nightcap," is that prose?

PHILOSOPHY MASTER
Most clearly.

MONSIEUR JOURDAIN
Well, what do you know about that! These forty years now, I've been speaking in prose without knowing it! How grateful am I to you for teaching me that!
posted by maudlin at 4:27 PM on January 18

Alan Thicke's porn name? Alan Thicke.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 4:36 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]

My new favorite 'Canadian' thing: Wheels Ontario.
posted by wcfields at 4:51 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]

double double, oneswellfoop.
posted by and so but then, we at 5:08 PM on January 18

"bacon poutine" was right at the top and I'm wondering why you even need 37 more.

For a moment, I thought you meant the sex acts list. What I imagined was not pretty.
posted by acb at 5:13 PM on January 18

you 'poutine' and then you 'poul out'
posted by unSane at 5:33 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]

Canadian here, asking you non-Canucks: does it really sound like we say "oot"? This has always mystified me. I just don't hear it.
posted by davebush at 5:42 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]

dave:
yup.
or maybe ah-oot.
posted by hexatron at 5:46 PM on January 18

>Canadian here, asking you non-Canucks: does it really sound like we say "oot"? This has always mystified me. I just don't hear it.

West Coast Canadian here: yes you do out east.
posted by doublesix at 5:47 PM on January 18

Remember everyone; size matters
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 5:52 PM on January 18

asking you non-Canucks: does it really sound like we say "oot"? This has always mystified me. I just don't hear it.

It has never sounded like "oot" to this non-Canadian either. (I think there's even a comment from me lurking somewhere on this topic.) It always sounded a faint bit like how I'd say "oat", in fact.

Actually, it sounds a tiny bit like a trace of a Scottish accent to me. Which isn't too surprising if I understand Canadian immigration patterns correctly...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:53 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

I like me some poutine, but once you get past a certain age it's kind of a once or twice a year thing.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:54 PM on January 18

Is that age...death? Which admittedly would come a bit early.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:02 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

Also: how in the world does that list have neither Haggis Poutine nor Donair Poutine, both of which I ate in Kingston 10 years ago. Both of which make me want to die from the deliciousness and the disgustingness.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:07 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

Show me your sour cream timbits.
posted by benzenedream at 6:24 PM on January 18

Actually, it sounds a tiny bit like a trace of a Scottish accent to me.

As a west-coast Canadian I've found this to be true about Canadians in general. I did note that it was fantastically natural to slide into an Irish accent when visiting there, so there may be some truth to that regional influence.
posted by jimmythefish at 6:36 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

tragically hip to hip
posted by pyramid termite at 6:37 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

Show me your sour cream timbits

oh man i would sacrifice an entire busload of nuns and orphans for one of those right now
posted by elizardbits at 6:49 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]

Poutine is Canadian? Is there anything those maudits têtes-carrés can't co-opt? Câlisse...
posted by Catchfire at 6:57 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]

How I Met Your Mother derail (and slight spoiler for the last episode):

I know some say the show has gone on for too long and certainly shouldn't have been renewed for another season, but, in the last episode, there was a scene where Lily confessed to feeling like a horrible person because she sometimes wished she wasn't a mom and wanted to pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night and not come back; Alyson Hannigan nailed that moment SO much that I will watch every TV show she chooses to be in until the bitter end.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:39 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]

Canadians have sex?

Well, once.

It was awkward as hell, and we don't really talk about it.

Until now.

Thanks Internet.
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:48 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]

It was mostly mutual masturbation, though we talked of penetration. We were never making love
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 8:02 PM on January 18

To some, Canada's greatest guilty pleasure is Poutine


I have never met a Canadian who felt guilty about poutine.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:12 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]

Mrs A. taught me to pronounce "Cooo, loo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo" properly as one of my first introductions to being Canadian.

Good Day!
posted by arcticseal at 8:13 PM on January 18

Highly recommended if you ever come to Montreal. None of their fine poutine variations are on the list (yet). Our American friends should find that the "Heart Attack" will do fine as an appetizer.
posted by bluefrog at 8:19 PM on January 18

I always thought of La Banquise as the canonical poutine place.
posted by vasi at 8:39 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]

Can I safely assume there's supposed to be something there other than endless pictures of Robin Thicke, in clever poses, asking me to hold on, eh, the site will be back shortly? Or...am I entirely missing the joke here, never having seen HIMYM?
posted by badgermushroomSNAKE at 8:43 PM on January 18

...or is it Alan Thicke. One of those guys, at least. Hmph *thumps cane*
posted by badgermushroomSNAKE at 8:49 PM on January 18

You know who is a fucking idiot?

Calvin Trillin of the New Yorker.

A couple years back he mocked poutine as a concept, but then had no problem with chill cheese fries. Uhhhh, genius, they're two sides of the same coin. Except the poutine side is tastier. And better by any conceivable metric.

Jackass.
posted by Keith Talent at 9:39 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]

"bacon poutine" was right at the top and I'm wondering why you even need 37 more."

Did you not scroll down one more to number 37? LOBSTER POUTINE!
posted by thecjm at 11:21 PM on January 18

Except the poutine side is tastier. And better by any conceivable metric.


That right there was the problem. He was using the imperious system.

asking you non-Canucks: does it really sound like we say "oot"? This has always mystified me. I just don't hear it.

Wait until you try to order water in England and learn that your entire life you have been saying wadder.
posted by srboisvert at 12:36 AM on January 19 [2 favorites]

How come there was no entry for the shameful act that I am going to commit with the St-Viateur bagels in my freezer tomorrow morning?
posted by benito.strauss at 12:47 AM on January 19 [1 favorite]

Wouldn't "shameful acts with bagels" have originated at NewYorkCitySexActs.com? (their motto: "If you can make it there, you probably did it like this")
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:23 AM on January 19

Being married to a Canadian and interacting with Anglo-Canadians, yes, to me, when you say words that end in '-out", it definitely sounds like "-oat." And WTF with your pronounciation of "drama"?


We live in Quebec and some old-school Quebecois accents are damn near impenetrable.



(Also, Canadians, be they French or Anglo, are always disappointed when I don't have a Southern accent. I do, it just comes out when I'm home or when I'm drunk.)
posted by Kitteh at 6:00 AM on January 19

Double-Double? Suddenly those In-N-Out Burger bumper stickers make sense... but what does that have to do with Canada?

In Canada, a "double-double" most often refers to a coffee with two creams and two sugars (ref). Taking your coffee this way isn't considered particularly Canadian, just the phrase for describing it.

For some reason, one cream, one sugar is a regular, but the sweet-toothed customers at the place where I used to work also coined "triple-triple" and "quadruple-quadruple"respectively.

All of which are disgusting, of course. Sugar has no place in my coffee, just cream.
posted by jb at 9:01 AM on January 19

As for the "oot and aboot" thing, here's the technical answer: Canadian Raising. It's a feature of some dialects in the US as well.
posted by jb at 9:02 AM on January 19 [1 favorite]

(Also, Canadians, be they French or Anglo, are always disappointed when I don't have a Southern accent. I do, it just comes out when I'm home or when I'm drunk.)

That's hardly unique to Canadians. When I lived in the Midwest, everyone would always tell me, "but you don't have a Southern accent!" As though they all expected me to sound like, I dunno, the bastard child of Gomer Pyle and Scarlet O'Hara.
posted by Rangeboy at 1:34 PM on January 19

This is true. I tend to disappoint my UK friends in that regard as well.
posted by Kitteh at 2:48 PM on January 19

Poutine. Bubba's. Kingston, Ontario. That is all.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:25 PM on January 19 [1 favorite]

Hahaha! On the Canadian Sex Acts site, the 18-only warning ends with "Poutines toujours!", but only in French!
posted by tickingclock at 9:37 PM on January 19

And WTF with your pronounciation of "drama"?

Huh? Draw-muh or drah-muh. How else should we be saying it?
posted by zarah at 11:04 PM on January 19

(Also, Canadians, be they French or Anglo, are always disappointed when I don't have a Southern accent. I do, it just comes out when I'm home or when I'm drunk.)

That reminds me of many expat Newfoundlanders that I know.

On the topic of Poutine, my personal favourite variation is topping it with pulled pork and peppercorn gravy. Actually, just the peppercorn gravy and I'm happy.
posted by papercrane at 6:42 AM on January 21