Join 3,430 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


and ne'er the twain shall meet.
January 24, 2013 4:08 PM   Subscribe

Felicity show-runner J.J. Abrams is reportedly close to being tapped to direct Star Wars Episode 7.

As well as mastering the romantic drama, Abrams is known for his small screen work on shows such as Alias and Lost, so he is not completely unknown to the science fiction genre. [previously]
posted by sparklemotion (421 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
"Just heard JJ Walker is directing Dancing with the Stars?"
https://twitter.com/albz/status/294586939754024960
posted by mulligan at 4:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Favorite tweet so far: If JJ Abrams really is going to direct Star Wars VII, it makes perfect sense. Tatooine's 2 suns means 2x the lens flares.
posted by blue_beetle at 4:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [41 favorites]


L.A. Times says their sources have confirmed.

The news was originally reported by The Wrap.
posted by mediated self at 4:11 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just laughed so hard I gave myself a nosebleed. My god I hope they get Lindelof to do the script. Nothing but shitty lens flare and hamfisted jesus references, please please please.
posted by elizardbits at 4:11 PM on January 24, 2013 [29 favorites]


::grump:: Do. Not. Like.
posted by Faintdreams at 4:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I suspect Simon Pegg is the person most pleased about this
posted by dng at 4:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Fans are going to FREAK when he has Leia cut her hair off.
posted by roger ackroyd at 4:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [12 favorites]


New Star Wars logo unveiled.
posted by mediated self at 4:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


N o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o.

At least we'll always have Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Because after that this whole thing has just been dreck.
posted by bearwife at 4:15 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I have know idea what that "s Episode 7." is doing in the main description. I think it is some sort of text-based lensflare.
posted by sparklemotion at 4:15 PM on January 24, 2013


How the hell did I call this? I was just joking, universe, listen, I was just joking. It wasn't a recommendation!
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:16 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Just heard JJ Walker is directing Dancing with the Stars?"

Dyno- MITEMIDICHLORIANS!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:16 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am honestly not sure how Star Wars fans have the capacity to freak out anymore. That ship has sailed, honey.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:17 PM on January 24, 2013 [29 favorites]


So Abrams now does both Star Wars and Star Trek? Is the USS Enterprise going to do the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs now?
posted by dortmunder at 4:17 PM on January 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


There's going to be a great scene where X-Wing Pilots 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 attack a Death Star only to discover its made of smoke.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:17 PM on January 24, 2013 [11 favorites]


Spock with a lightsaber would be pretty badass, though.

And it will be cool to see William Shatner get shaggy with Carrie Fisher.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:18 PM on January 24, 2013


Is the USS Enterprise going to do the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs now?

No, but the Millennium Falcon is going to do the Corbomite Maneuver.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:18 PM on January 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


And it will be cool to see William Shatner get shaggy with Carrie Fisher.

Well, in 1976, maybe. If by 'shaggy' you mean what I suspect you mean.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:20 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Quick everybody argue about ST2009.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 4:20 PM on January 24, 2013


I'm not scared. Star Wars as a creative style is pretty well defined, and I think he knows how to not fuck things up. The lens flare joke is funny, yes. But I think we can expect a Kershner-level film.
posted by hanoixan at 4:21 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Is the USS Enterprise going to do the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs now?

That still makes me twitch every time I see it.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:23 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Thank heavens this finally got posted here. I've been looking for somewhere to dump all the excess lens flare gags that've been overflowing my Twitter feed all afternoon.

Revenge of the Lens Flare amirite?!?
posted by gompa at 4:24 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think the one thing that Lucas doesn't get credit for is the pure visual style of the Star Wars films - the way things look - although he ruins it by cramming as much kinetic shit as possible into every single frame.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:26 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm fine with this.
posted by Sokka shot first at 4:26 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Fringe was ...good.
posted by The Whelk at 4:27 PM on January 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


With the same old crew? That's no fun. How about...

Jason Statham ... Han Solo (rumored)
Justin Bieber ... Luke Skywalker (rumored)
Nicki Minaj ... Princess Leia (rumored)
Siri ... C-3PO (rumored)
Ryan Gosling ... Wedge Antilles (rumored)
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:29 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


This will be like the "new" Van Halen album with David Lee Roth: Way better than anyone could have realistically hoped it would be, but still not good enough to watch all the way through more than once.
posted by The World Famous at 4:29 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Revenge of the Lens Flare amirite?!?

The lens flares back?
posted by mediated self at 4:29 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


I quite liked his first Trek reboot although I always thought the swashbuckling and bantering that he made the core of the film would be better in something like Star Wars.

Consider me optimistic.
posted by sendai sleep master at 4:30 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sounds like Disney is continuing the surprisingly-competent handling of the whole Lucasfilm purchase, to me.

Abrams isn't a risky choice. I doubt he'll make a Truly Great Star Wars film but I'd be willing to put a few bucks on the line that anything he does will be better than the prequels, and there's probably a better than even shot at it being as good or better than ROTJ.
posted by chimaera at 4:31 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think the one thing that Lucas doesn't get credit for is the pure visual style of the Star Wars films - the way things look

Because so much of it rightly goes to Ralph McQuarrie?
posted by straight at 4:31 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


Nicki Minaj ... Princess Leia (rumored)

I would watch this.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:31 PM on January 24, 2013 [13 favorites]


I wanted Brad Bird, but I had Joss Whedon and JJ Abrams as alternate likely candidates. I'm amazed he only got one mention in the previous thread.
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:31 PM on January 24, 2013


If Star Wars gets the flares then Star Trek gets to wipes and dissolves.
posted by Artw at 4:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Works for me.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:32 PM on January 24, 2013


It is a period of civil war in space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base - the starship Enterprise - have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, its five-year mission: to destroy an entire planet, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before and restore freedom to the galaxy….
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is about the point where we derail into Joss Whedon what-ifs, chief among them: which minor (but suddenly important character) gets killed 2/3rds of the way through the film.
posted by jquinby at 4:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


With JJ Abrams directing the next Star Wars, I'm calling it right now that The Force is caused by Walter Bishop's Cortexiphan.
posted by Servo5678 at 4:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


He's a competent director, but I did not like his Star Trek at all.
Maybe with a good script, and attention to practical effects this will be okay.
But I have a bad feeling about this.


I'm calling it right now that The Force is caused by Walter Bishop's Cortexiphan.

On the up side: John Noble in Star Wars? Fuck yeah.
Also: Benedict Cumberbatch as Thrawn would do okay.
posted by Mezentian at 4:35 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


If J.J. Abrams manages make a Star Wars movie that is as much better than Revenge of the Sith as his Star Trek was from Nemesis, I'll be pretty damn happy.

Though really I'm just hoping that somehow he'll be able to make some sort of reference that makes it in-universe true that Rambaldi and/or Sydney Bristow were actually Jedis. But I'm trapped in the past, that way.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:35 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Yeah, you can all cry or joke about it now.

Let's see how you deal when Michael Bay is tapped to direct Episodes 8 and 9 back-to-back…
posted by Pinback at 4:36 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


But now I do wonder if Simon Pegg will get a role in Episode VII. I'm actually rooting for that to happen.
posted by chimaera at 4:36 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


J. J. Abrams has never made a movie as bad as any of the prequels so there's that.
posted by octothorpe at 4:37 PM on January 24, 2013 [24 favorites]


I wonder if this means the Trek movies are done for now, in which case the way is open for a TV show - I'm kind of missing small screen big spaceship action.
posted by Artw at 4:37 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


Unless this next Star Wars movie is explicitly identified as a reboot, I wouldn't worry about lens flares or handheld cameras. JJA Abrams is a very skilled mimic of other filmmakers style, as he demonstrated with Super-8, which is a better Spielberg film than Spielberg has done in quite a while (thank goodness Spielberg has started doing well what he used to do poorly -- namely, adult dramas). I'm not mad about his monster designs so far, but I suspect he'll go full, classic-era George Lucas for this film, and so it will feel really Star Warsy, with really Star Warsy monsters and plot points and edits and scrolls.

I'm not terribly worried. It's bound to be better than what Lucas would have done, and I day that as somebody who actually sort of like the recent versions.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 4:37 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


Simon Pegg is already in Clone Wars as the voice of Dengar, the bandaged up bounty hunter standing in the background in Empire.
posted by Artw at 4:39 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


He can't do worse than George Lucas.

I probably would have enjoyed ST2009 if it wasn't called Star Trek, as it didn't have the same feel as the Roddenberry works, so I'm cautiously optimistic about this.

Just keep Lindelof away from it, please. Who I now see is doing the next Star Trek movie with Abrams, so there's your answer Artw.
posted by dragoon at 4:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


You guys, the screenplay is being written by Michael Arndt, who did Little Miss Sunshine and was one of the writers with John Lasseter on Toy Story 3. That's a good thing.

And it means that Alan Arkin will be cast as The Force.
posted by The World Famous at 4:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


JJA Abrams is a very skilled mimic of other filmmakers style

Yeah, this. And given his interest in interplay with fandom, I sort of idly wonder about creating a big web presence demanding that the film use entirely practical and in-camera effects.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Yeah, I'm good with this. I don't really care about Star Wars any more, but I do like big science fiction adventurey stuff that has a brain and a heart, and though I'd have loved Brad Bird or Joss Whedon to do this, I think Abrams is a much better choice than many others that could have been made.

I expect the final product will infuriate millions of superfan types no matter how good it is, but that it'll be miles better than Lucas's last 3 efforts.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm just upset that I wasn't considered for the yet nonexistent un-filmed pilot SHIELD series.

I mean that's the *real* outrage here.


do you need a cheap James Urbaniak call me
posted by The Whelk at 4:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thank you Bunny, good point, the art directors and graphic technicians at Skywalker Ranch have most of the production covered, basically any decent plot that moves along and isn't blatantly jaja racist will make for a fun evening.
posted by sammyo at 4:42 PM on January 24, 2013


The Empire thought it had eliminated all the little vulnerabilities from the newest Death Star, and the rebels could not do anything to stop it... until someone figured out how to beam photon torpedoes into the middle decks.
posted by azpenguin at 4:42 PM on January 24, 2013


I was watching The History of Film last night, and the narrator called the original Star Wars plot 'the most absurd in the history of film so far'.

Honestly, I hope he does what he did with Star Trek: create a fun film that pisses off the fanboys. And I was one of those Star Wars fanboys.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I wonder if this means the Trek movies are done for now, in which case the way is open for a TV show - I'm kind of missing small screen big spaceship action.

I wonder what a Trek show would be like if it was given backing by an AMC or HBO.
posted by drezdn at 4:43 PM on January 24, 2013 [19 favorites]


my issue is not so much who is directing it, but WHY will there be another star wars?

JAR JAR BINKS, though. . it isn't possible to make it worse than whatever the f that was
posted by ninjew at 4:43 PM on January 24, 2013


as he demonstrated with Super-8, which is a better Spielberg film than Spielberg has done in quite a while

I found Super 8 spooky cause it so well mimicked the tone of those movies that it also imitated all of the flaws. Spooky!
posted by The Whelk at 4:43 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I want a Jedi Rancor to fight an AT-AT.
I WANT A JEDI RANCOR TO FIGHT AN AT-AT.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [12 favorites]


And it means that Alan Arkin will be cast as The Force.

"C'mon guys, I'm not really 'the' force so much as 'a' force. I mean, there's also gravity, strong and weak for three. Also, just because I'm a force - lower case f - doesn't mean that I am going to force you to do anything. That's a complete stereotype. Are you going to have that donut?"
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]



I wonder what a Trek show would be like if it was given backing by an AMC or HBO.

we talked about this an another thread but STARFLEET MEDICAL DRAMA.

Space doctors without Space borders. It writes itself.
posted by The Whelk at 4:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [13 favorites]


ninjew: "my issue is not so much who is directing it, but WHY will there be another star wars?

Disney did not pay four billion dollars for LucasFilm so they could sell boxsets of the six existing movies at retail.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 4:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


The Lucas prequels were more enjoyable than the last Star Trek, in my opinion.
So there.
posted by Mezentian at 4:45 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


I heard Peter Jackson is being tapped to direct Episode 8, but he's going to do it in 3 parts.
posted by Edward L at 4:46 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


> jaja racist

Reading that in Jar Jar's voice made my night.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:46 PM on January 24, 2013


The Lucas prequels were more enjoyable than the last Star Trek, in my opinion.
So there.


There's no shame in being wrong. This is a safe space.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:47 PM on January 24, 2013 [34 favorites]


I was hoping more for Brad Bird but maybe Abrams will go all Super 8 and make a retro feeling Star Wars movie?
posted by zzazazz at 4:47 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also - holy shit there are some terrible jokes in this thread. Whatever comic potential you think lens flare might have? You are wrong.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:47 PM on January 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


It'll be a hot day on Hoth before Harrison Ford signs on to another Star Wars movie.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:47 PM on January 24, 2013


I was watching The History of Film last night, and the narrator called the original Star Wars plot 'the most absurd in the history of film so far'.

“Star Wars” is like getting a box of Cracker Jack which is all prizes. This is the writer-director George Lucas’s own film, subject to no business interference, yet it’s a film that’s totally uninterested in anything that doesn’t connect with the mass audience. There’s no breather in the picture, no lyricism; the only attempt at beauty is in the double sunset. It’s enjoyable on its own terms, but it’s exhausting, too: like taking a pack of kids to the circus. An hour into it, children say that they’re ready to see it again; that’s because it’s an assemblage of spare parts—it has no emotional grip. “Star Wars” may be the only movie in which the first time around the surprises are reassuring…. It’s an epic without a dream. But it’s probably the absence of wonder that accounts for the film’s special, huge success. The excitement of those who call it the film of the year goes way past nostalgia to the feeling that now is the time to return to childhood.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:48 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I heard Peter Jackson is being tapped to direct Episode 8, but he's going to do it in 3 parts.

At this point, he'd probably split it up into 18 parts.
posted by drezdn at 4:48 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


And it means that Alan Arkin will be cast as The Force.

"C'mon guys, I'm not really 'the' force so much as 'a' force. I mean, there's also gravity, strong and weak for three. Also, just because I'm a force - lower case f - doesn't mean that I am going to force you to do anything. That's a complete stereotype. Are you going to have that donut?"


"This Force thing...we're not talking about it. We're just speaking about it, as an idea. As a concept. I mean, I can't...I have no confidence. I can't push through. It's just...GESTAPO TACTICS!"
posted by ShutterBun at 4:48 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I hear Guillermo del Toro has been tapped to do Part 9 but he'll get shitcanned from it like three times.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:48 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I really dislike the idea of one guy being at the helm of the only two big screen space opera properties.
posted by brundlefly at 4:49 PM on January 24, 2013 [13 favorites]


Predictable.

I'd really like to see Nicolas Refn or Michael Mann take on Star Wars. Maybe a languid tale of a small time crook and the criminal underworld of Mos Eisley. Full of brooding night time speeder drives through the deserted downtown and and an explosive final showdown at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:49 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


(Coming up with new big screen space opera properties would be great, of course. Then we could leave Abrams to do what he wants.)
posted by brundlefly at 4:50 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


J.J. Abrams is a shallow filmmaker, with no respect for source material. He'll make some shiny thing that will impress non-fans, and make a metric fuckton of money for the studio. Time to move on.
posted by KHAAAN! at 4:50 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Jim Jarmusch.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:51 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


the only attempt at beauty is in the double sunset.

That's gotta be Pauline Kael, if my memory as an outraged 7 year old reading her review is correct. I still remember that quote, and taste the rage in my mouth as I read it 30+ years ago.
posted by ShutterBun at 4:51 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


J.J. Abrams is a shallow filmmaker, with no respect for source material. He'll make some shiny thing that will impress non-fans, and make a metric fuckton of money for the studio. Time to move on.

I think this is a good thing. I grew up with Star Wars, and originally it was a cheesy adventure movie cobbled together from whatever Lucas loved, plus his politics and input from talented collaborators. All the 'respect' that's needed is getting back that fun tone. And given that he managed to turn Star Trek, which since Next Gen has been Boring People Having Space Meetings, into a swashbucking adventure I think it'll be fine.

Too much love for continuity and expanded universe stuff will kill it.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:52 PM on January 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?
posted by The Whelk at 4:52 PM on January 24, 2013


brundlefly: "I really dislike the idea of one guy being at the helm of the only two big screen space opera properties."

Properties that were originally very different things. Rodenberry and Lucas had some seriously divergent visions of what you do with optimistic, star-hopping science fiction, and it was nice to have those two voices out there doing their own things, even when they evolved under the watch of either different people or the same person with serious money-inflicted brain damage.

And how are we supposed to have decades-long, all-consuming nerd battles over Trek vs. Wars now? I'm supposed to do useful things with my life?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 4:53 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


What the fuck, I like Abrams. Lindelof, however, I would kill, and spend the rest of my days in jail accepting presents.
posted by phaedon at 4:53 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


It'll be a hot day on Hoth before Harrison Ford signs on to another Star Wars movie.

He did Indy 4, didn't he? And Jedi.
Ford's big bugbear with Star Wars seems of have been Lucas' terrible directing of actors.
He could be convinced back, whether we would see him back in any convincing role is another.

I just hope the script is okay.
posted by Mezentian at 4:53 PM on January 24, 2013


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then

Rian Johnson (Brick, Looper), whoever directed Dredd 3D, whoever directed The Losers, one of those great direct to DVD filmmakers Outlaw Vern is raving out.

Oddball choice: The guy behind Beyond the Black Rainbow.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:54 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


J.J. Abrams is a shallow filmmaker, with no respect for source material. He'll make some shiny thing that will impress non-fans, and make a metric fuckton of money for the studio. Time to move on.
posted by KHAAAN!


Epony-outrage?
posted by ShutterBun at 4:54 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Yep.
posted by KHAAAN! at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2013


The Michael Haneke Star Wars would be two hours about Darth Vader and The Emperor's working relationship; constant mind games, politicking and petty cruelties. Either that, or something about Luke and his sister.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Modern day Harrison Ford does not have the canny sense for good projects that 80s Ford did, it's true.
posted by Artw at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2013


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?

Duncan Jones. Even if only to see how he could manage to squeeze The One And Only by Chesney Hawkes into it.
posted by dng at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2013


It'll be a hot day on Hoth before Harrison Ford signs on to another Star Wars movie.

'Star Wars' sequel: Harrison Ford open to idea of Han Solo role
posted by mediated self at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2013


I really want to see Andrew Stanton given a shot.

But I think we need MeFi's Own George Lucas to come in and sharfe his thoughts.
posted by Mezentian at 4:56 PM on January 24, 2013


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?

Hal Hartley.
posted by drezdn at 4:56 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


I was hoping for Wes Anderson.
posted by snofoam at 4:57 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Should have been Sofia Coppola.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:57 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?

Edgar Wright.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:57 PM on January 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


Thank you all so much. Just taking a break from grading the worst lab reports ever (until the first set next semester) and I desperately needed to laugh so hard that the cat ran away.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:58 PM on January 24, 2013


Edgar Wright would have been perfect.
posted by brundlefly at 4:58 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


'Star Wars' sequel: Harrison Ford open to idea of Han Solo role

What's Han going to do first this time? Point at greedo and growl at him indignantly? Shout "you get off my ship?!?"

Should have been Sofia Coppola.

I would watch the hell out of Bill Murray as old Han Solo.
posted by The World Famous at 4:59 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


JAR JAR BINKS, though. . it isn't possible to make it worse than whatever the f that was

If Abrams is smart, this will be the first scene of the movie:

Interior: Spaceship
Jar Jar: "Meesa have to be goin' now. Meesa planet need me!"
Cut to: Title Card, which reads: Jar Jar Binks died on the trip back to Gungan.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:59 PM on January 24, 2013 [28 favorites]


Francis Ford Coppola.

To make up for the fact he stole Lucas' Apocalypse Now.
posted by Mezentian at 4:59 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Tom Six?
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:59 PM on January 24, 2013


Rian Johnson

Well, yes okay, The Brothers Bloom is also fantastic, BTW. Dredd is surpirsingly well constructed and minimalist, it is exactly what it says it is, a Judge Dredd 24 page short story, the Attack The Block is too busy writing Ant Man ( i kniw right?) and Duncan Jones? i....paired with the right screenwriter sure.

Wait what about the Landis guy behind Chronicle? I so did not hate that at all.

David Fury is stuck in SHEILD and Spooky zhollow I think, whats Marti Noxon doing thats not Mad Men episodes?
posted by The Whelk at 5:00 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Should have been Sofia Coppola.

You have no idea how hard I would watch this.
posted by The Whelk at 5:01 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Wait what about the Landis guy behind Chronicle? I so did not hate that at all.

I kind of dislike his Superman thing, mostly becaUse he complained that Superman should be Grimdark somewhere or other.
posted by Artw at 5:02 PM on January 24, 2013


Thus far Duncan Jones has managed to intrigue me and then severely disappoint me twice, so.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:02 PM on January 24, 2013


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?

Duncan Jones? Neil Blomkamp? Danny Boyle?
posted by KHAAAN! at 5:02 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Have it be an anthology of travelogues by bounty hunters, Jim Jarmusch directs.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:02 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Landis is making the new Fantastic Four, so I assume he'll be busy doing an FF trilogy.

But he could make a great Lando film.
posted by Mezentian at 5:02 PM on January 24, 2013


If Abrams is smart, this will be the first scene of the movie:

Interior: Spaceship
Jar Jar: "Meesa have to be goin' now. Meesa planet need me!"
Cut to: Title Card, which reads: Jar Jar Binks died on the trip back to Gungan.


I'd quite like to see him adapt this story.
posted by dng at 5:02 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Abrams reflects on his position in geekdom.
posted by mediated self at 5:03 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


John Favreau seems to have a good knack for mixing special effects with attention to character & story, which would be essential for this kind of project.
posted by ShutterBun at 5:04 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


> Title Card, which reads: Jar Jar Binks died on the trip back to Gungan.

Our focus group research indicates that 94% of audience members over the age of six want to *see* Jar Jar die.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:04 PM on January 24, 2013 [11 favorites]


Felicity show-runner J.J. Abrams

Good lord. It's 2013.
posted by phaedon at 5:05 PM on January 24, 2013 [11 favorites]


Yeah but Favreau would insist it be done almost all improv, ala the first Iron Movie.

Which BTW, how insane was that idea, lets largely improv a huge big budget summer movie.
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on January 24, 2013


Oh wait, got it, Joe Jonson, art director for the Indy movies, Director of the Rocketteer and Captain America, got 40s style republic adventure serials in his bones.
posted by The Whelk at 5:06 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


whoever directed Dredd 3D

Pete Travis, though there's a little controversy to that. If you were going to drag someone off of Dredd in really I'd go for screenwriter Alex Garland.

Also steal all the actors, especially Lena Headey. Let's face it, Urban is a given already.
posted by Artw at 5:07 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Which BTW, how insane aweome was that idea, lets largely improv a huge big budget summer movie.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:07 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Poor Jar Jar gets no love.
He's better in Clone Wars. Seriously.
posted by Mezentian at 5:07 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


And it will be cool to see William Shatner get shaggy with Carrie Fisher.

I told you before, we have already seen Kirk's dad and Leia's mom making out.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:07 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Artw: " Let's face it, Urban is a given already."

Nothing that interferes with Urban playing Bones until the end of time, thanks.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 5:07 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Landis is making the new Fantastic Four, so I assume he'll be busy doing an FF trilogy.

Josh Trank is directing the FF reboot, and he directed Chronicle, but I don't think Max Landis has anything to do with the FF reboot.
posted by ShutterBun at 5:08 PM on January 24, 2013


Yeah but Favreau would insist it be done almost all improv, ala the first Iron Movie.

Is that why the first one is good and the second one is so flat?
posted by Artw at 5:08 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Nothing that interferes with Urban playing Bones until the end of time, thanks.

In the unlikely event of a Dredd sequel it can be no-one else.
posted by Artw at 5:09 PM on January 24, 2013


The second one has good moments, ive decided. Its just totally unfocused and has to soent its entire finak act setting uo Avengers.

The side effect is that its better in retrospect, cause now you know who spy lady and spooky guy are.
posted by The Whelk at 5:09 PM on January 24, 2013


My mistake. Carry on then.
posted by Mezentian at 5:09 PM on January 24, 2013


We could probably solve the world economic crisis if they'd just name the new movie: Star Wars VII: The Death of Jar Jar.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:09 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


And yes Alex Garland needs more money to do things.
posted by The Whelk at 5:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Please, please, please find a role for John Noble in this.
posted by schmod at 5:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?

Edgar Wright.


This is the only answer, and I can't believe I didn't think of it.


Which BTW, how insane aweome was that idea, lets largely improv a huge big budget summer movie


Weren't most of the best bits in Star Wars improved?

Tthere was a bad Cracked 'what if Guilermo del Toro directed Star Wars?' mini photoshop thing. I'd see it - actual alien aliens and great plotting.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:10 PM on January 24, 2013


The Whelk: "Oh wait, got it, Joe Jonson, art director for the Indy movies, Director of the Rocketteer and Captain America, got 40s style republic adventure serials in his bones."

Oh, yeah. Can't believe I forgot about him. He'd be perfect.
posted by brundlefly at 5:10 PM on January 24, 2013


oor Jar Jar gets no love.
He's better in Clone Wars. Seriously.


He's bearable. Testiment to the insane degree Clone Wars makes everything in the prequels better.
posted by Artw at 5:11 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would watch a Lars Von Trier "Star Wars"
posted by drezdn at 5:11 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


ArtW, I don't want to get your hopes up too high, put apparently the odds for a Dredd sequel have just gone up, however incrementally.
posted by Mezentian at 5:11 PM on January 24, 2013


Tthere was a bad Cracked 'what if Guilermo del Toro directed Star Wars?' mini photoshop thing. I'd see it - actual alien aliens and great plotting.

And Ron Perlman. It'd be the best Star Wars ever
posted by dng at 5:11 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Although it just hit me that Attack The Block and Dredd have like, the same premise.
posted by The Whelk at 5:12 PM on January 24, 2013


I was hoping for Wes Anderson.

I would see that 11 times AND buy the blu-ray box set. can you just imagine the life size cutaway Millenium Falcon diorama for the tracking shots?
posted by ninjew at 5:15 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Guilermo del Toro's Star Wars with Ron Perlman and John Noble has set a bar so high reality will never match it.

Since apparently we're not going to get At The Mountains of Madness any time soon.
Also, Ron Perlman and John Noble should be in that if it is ever made.
posted by Mezentian at 5:17 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]



Although it just hit me that Attack The Block and Dredd have like, the same premise.


I haven't seen Attack The Block, but I thought Dredd was The Raid: Redemption.

Imagine a Death Star raid filmed Dredd style. Lightsaber fights, banter, TK.

There must be some crossover between people who've worked on the two franchises, but I don't know enough about either to know who. Probably some great British comic people.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:18 PM on January 24, 2013


I liked Dredd, although I felt it lacked the comic's sharp satiric edge. Then I discovered the theme to Snuff Box is used in it, and decided the satire was there and I just missed it.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 5:18 PM on January 24, 2013


So then, Star Wars Into Darkness?
posted by JHarris at 5:20 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh god. This is like 1980 all over again.
posted by Mezentian at 5:20 PM on January 24, 2013


ArtW, I don't want to get your hopes up too high, put apparently the odds for a Dredd sequel have just gone up, however incrementally.

Tiny bit, but it's still insanely unlikely what with distributors losing money on it - no investors would touch it.

I dunno, maybe Boyle will go insane and decide to make it with his own money.
posted by Artw at 5:20 PM on January 24, 2013


If The Fifth Element = Heavy Metal then Dredd = 2000 AD ( duh ).

I could see it being off putting if you weren't familiar with the minimalist, bone dry and pitch black humor and efficiency of the source material. Likewise with The Fifth Element if you didn't allready have a grounding in the multicolored, goofy, expansive French comics tradition it was riffing on.
posted by The Whelk at 5:21 PM on January 24, 2013


I want John Noble in everything too but apparently he has health problems that made shooting some of the last season of Fringe dificult and so I'd rather he stay home.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:21 PM on January 24, 2013


I dunno, maybe Boyle will go insane and decide to make it with his own money.

That's what Lucas did and look where we are now.
posted by Mezentian at 5:21 PM on January 24, 2013


Likewise with The Fifth Element if you didn't allready have a grounding in the multicolored, goofy, expansive French comics tradition it was riffing on.

What? There is no reason ever to dislike The Fifth Element. Even if your father was murdered by Ruby Rod.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:23 PM on January 24, 2013 [20 favorites]



I could see it being off putting if you weren't familiar with the minimalist, bone dry and pitch black humor and efficiency of the source material. Likewise with The Fifth Element if you didn't allready have a grounding in the multicolored, goofy, expansive French comics tradition it was riffing on.


I hadn't read any of the source material and loved it. I guess the failure of Dredd and Scott Pilgrim shows that actually giving the fans what they want - faithful, well-made, stylized movies - is box office poison. I'm not sure what that'll say about Star Trek.

Oddly enough, I had kinda the same experiance with Abrams Star Trek. I only liked the original series and was surprised how fun the movie was.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:23 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I want John Noble in everything too but apparently he has health problems that made shooting some of the last season of Fringe dificult and so I'd rather he stay home.

Solution: set up a green screen in Sydney and edit him in.
It's seemless. You could not tell they did that with Sir Christopher Lee in The Hobbit at all.
posted by Mezentian at 5:23 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Werner Herzog is really the only answer.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:23 PM on January 24, 2013 [17 favorites]


I want John Noble in everything too but apparently he has health problems that made shooting some of the last season of Fringe dificult and so I'd rather he stay home.

Oh no!

Can we steal the red universe one?
posted by Artw at 5:24 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


But that one is Evil!
posted by The Whelk at 5:25 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Look, the Star Wars universe has grown so big you need an experienced director who has a history of coordinating multiple plotlines and characters. Skills with retro styling a plus.

Therefore, the only choice is Garry Marshall to direct Star Wars VII: Life Day.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:26 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Now I want to see John Cassavetes's Star Wars movie.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


I'd suggest Night on Earth but with a space taxi, but there's probably already a Clone Wars episode like that.
posted by Artw at 5:28 PM on January 24, 2013


Alfred Hitchcock presents Star Wars.

A man tries to turn a droid into a perfect recreation of a woman he met only once.
posted by The Whelk at 5:29 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


A Gunga Under the Influence.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:30 PM on January 24, 2013


Have it be an anthology of travelogues by bounty hunters

This is something someone could make a youtube of.

3-15 mins, use shots from various sources. If one has some kind of degree from an art school - a way to show your work.
posted by rough ashlar at 5:32 PM on January 24, 2013


Penny Marshall and Ron Howard.
posted by boo_radley at 5:32 PM on January 24, 2013


Holy shit it just hit me that Kevin Smith looks like a young George Lucas.
posted by phaedon at 5:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Therefore, the only choice is Garry Marshall to direct Star Wars VII: Life Day.

I thought Garry Marshall was the villain in Star Trekkin' 2: Darkness.
posted by mediated self at 5:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


A man tries to turn a droid into a perfect recreation of a woman he met only once.

Maybe Peter Greenaway instead?

Lots of time-lapse photography of rusting droids. Mumbled dialogue. At the end, Lando eats Han for dinner while Adagio for Strings plays in the background.
posted by jquinby at 5:33 PM on January 24, 2013


Ron Howard

They should just wrap it into the Arrested Development movie.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:33 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Pedro Almodóvar.

A young man in Startrooper basic training develops a fixation on his older instructor who is in fact a rebel spy and he becomes torn between a conspiracy of hearts and politics.
posted by The Whelk at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


D.W. Griffith's Birth of an Empire.

(The rebels are the bad guys)
posted by Artw at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hal Hartley.

HAN: It's my memoirs. My confession.
LUKE: What have you done?
HAN: I've been bad. Repeatedly.
posted by ook at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


DAVID FINCHER. I win.
posted by phaedon at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Pedro Almodóvar.

I didn't even read the rest of your comment before I loved this idea.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2013


But the rebels are the good guys in Griffith.

François Truffaut presents Star Wars.

A young boy on a distant planet yearns for adventure despite his overbearing adoptive parents.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:34 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is a good thing if only because it means Josh Halloway is now at top of the list of actors up for the Han Solo equivalent role
posted by cnelson at 5:35 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


A young man in Startrooper basic training develops a fixation on his older instructor who is in fact a rebel spy and his torn between a conspiracy of hearts and politics.

His long lost dad is a robot-impersonator.
posted by Artw at 5:35 PM on January 24, 2013


I could live with Edgar Wright, Del Toro, or....Alfonso Cuarón. Yeah, you know it. I just hit that fucker outa the park.
posted by Ber at 5:36 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


This is a good thing if only because it means Josh Halloway is now at top of the list of actors up for the Han Solo equivalent role

Just under Nathan Fillion.
You know it makes sense.
posted by Mezentian at 5:37 PM on January 24, 2013


Another sad robot drag show, another man belting out dirty jokes in binary all dressed up in glittery circuit boards and tubing.
posted by The Whelk at 5:37 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nathan Fillion is already a Han Solo equivalent in day-to-day life.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:37 PM on January 24, 2013 [12 favorites]


I could live with Edgar Wright, Del Toro, or....Alfonso Cuarón. Yeah, you know it. I just hit that fucker outa the park.

Does that mean we have to wait around forever?
posted by Artw at 5:37 PM on January 24, 2013


Alfonso Cuarón
Actually wait no ....perfect.
posted by The Whelk at 5:37 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


John McTiernan.
posted by phaedon at 5:38 PM on January 24, 2013


Uwe Boll's BLOODSTARR: WAR OF THE ROBOTS
posted by jquinby at 5:38 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


It needs to be written by Shane Black.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:38 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Shia La Boof as Jar Jar.

I refuse to spell his name right.
posted by phaedon at 5:38 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


If only for " Only HP movie that actually seemed to take place in a magical universe" cred.
posted by The Whelk at 5:38 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also Y Tu Mama
posted by shakespeherian at 5:40 PM on January 24, 2013


The Asylum's Starry Wars.
posted by Mezentian at 5:40 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Shane Black is busy! What about the guy who did the original, coherent script for Prometheus? David Spaiths?
posted by The Whelk at 5:40 PM on January 24, 2013


Paul Verhoeven. I win, damn it.
posted by KHAAAN! at 5:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


It's a shame Hal Warren is no longer available.
posted by drezdn at 5:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Neill Blomkamp
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Roger Corman's Battle Beyond the Stars
posted by Artw at 5:41 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Star Wars VII: Y Tu Papa Tambien
posted by phaedon at 5:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


Actually reboot the whole thing in Hong Kong: Raise The Red Star, Tattoo Triad. I'd watch the shit out of that.
posted by jquinby at 5:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Will Robert Picardo voice a droid?
posted by mediated self at 5:42 PM on January 24, 2013


We need somebody who, like George Lucas, has a deep love for old Westerns and samurai films. Somebody who can incorporate his politics into a story of action and adventure. A man who can take the best bits of old cinema and make something new.

We need Quintin Tarantino's Star Wars.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


Quentin Tarantino as C3PO
posted by phaedon at 5:43 PM on January 24, 2013 [9 favorites]


Alfonso Cuarón

I was just about to mention him but then I thought that his style is a little too hard-sci-fi for this. On the other hand, he's pretty good at taking a small, tight cast on an adventure.

Anyway, whoever directs it, I just hope that they go to some new planets for a change.
posted by coolxcool=rad at 5:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


We need Quintin Tarantino's Star Wars.

I don't think he'd be able to get away with saying 'Nigger' a billion times in Star Wars.
He'd have to turn it down.
posted by Mezentian at 5:44 PM on January 24, 2013


"What does Darth Vader look like?"
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Quentin Tarantino's Star Wars.
posted by mediated self at 5:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


BROKEN LIZARD
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:45 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Warren Ellis.
posted by rifflesby at 5:45 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Neill Blomkamp

Serious Q: Is this suggestion based on anything other than District 9?

Because I did not love District 9.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:45 PM on January 24, 2013


Quentin Tarantino's Star Wars.
Oh my. I remember seeing that in the late 1990s in Real Media!
posted by Mezentian at 5:46 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Chris Avellone.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:47 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


A Tarantino Star Wars would be three hours long (but feel a lot shorter), have tons of snappy dialogue, and little, if any, whiz-bang effects. Pretty much the polar opposite of Lucas' prequels.


Hmmm...
posted by KHAAAN! at 5:49 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]



Chris Avellone.


I haven't even played KOTR 2 and I'm ready to do this based just on Fallout New Vegas. Ceaser's Legion is a great Evil Empire (though maybe some might argue the NCR will head that way eventually. I side with House, like a good Futurist).
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:49 PM on January 24, 2013


They could always ask David Lynch again. Or Cronenberg.
posted by brundlefly at 5:50 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Warren Ellis' treatment for Star Wars had too many penis guns and drug addled supercomputers for the studio.
posted by The Whelk at 5:50 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


phaedon: "John McTiernan."

I figure his going to jail would affect the shooting schedule.
posted by brundlefly at 5:50 PM on January 24, 2013


I was mulling over a Cronenberg Star Wars and had to stop. For reals.
posted by jquinby at 5:51 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I figure his going to jail would affect the shooting schedule.

Shut up. Why is he in jail? I'll forgive almost anything.
posted by phaedon at 5:52 PM on January 24, 2013


penis guns

Oh, hey, how about Cronenberg?
posted by shakespeherian at 5:52 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


David Cronenberg directing a movie set in the Yuuzhan Vong invasion would actually work pretty well.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:54 PM on January 24, 2013


We need Quintin Tarantino's Star Wars.

Obi-Wan: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough. The way your father looked at it, this light saber was your birthright. He'd be damned if any clone put their filthy hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this light saber up his ass. Then when he fell in the lava was murdered, he gave me the light saber. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, a few years ago, I suddenly remembered it was there. And now, little man, I give the light saber to you.

Luke: Guess I wasn't the only one with too much of my father in him.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:54 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


A Tarantino Star Wars would be three hours long (but feel a lot shorter), have tons of snappy dialogue, and little, if any, whiz-bang effects. Pretty much the polar opposite of Lucas' prequels.

Yep. A Tarantino Star Wars would be better than the best possible Star Wars by any other director or writer (as long as he kept the profanity out of it - not that I mind it in his other films, but it would ruin Star Wars). There's nobody else working today who can match him making a film with lots of shooting and swordplay but with a real story and dialogue that is both clever and funny. And he knows how to work with a cinematographer to get things to look amazing.
posted by The World Famous at 5:54 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Tarantino as C3-P0 and he goes out in the same way he did in Django.
posted by Artw at 5:55 PM on January 24, 2013


phaedon: "Shut up. Why is he in jail? I'll forgive almost anything."

'Die Hard' Director John McTiernan Headed to Prison After Supreme Court Denies Appeal
John McTiernan, who directed such hit movies as Die Hard and The Hunt for Red October, will likely soon be headed to federal prison in connection with his role in the Anthony Pellicano wiretapping scandal.

McTiernan was sentenced in late 2010 to one year in prison and a fine of $100,000 after pleading guilty to making false statements to the FBI in its investigation into the activities of Pellicano, the former Hollywood private detective who already is behind bars.
posted by brundlefly at 5:56 PM on January 24, 2013


'Die Hard' Director John McTiernan Headed to Prison After Supreme Court Denies Appeal

Phew, that article is a year old. He should be out any time now!
posted by phaedon at 5:58 PM on January 24, 2013


I would actually forgive up to three medium directorial sins if somewhere in there Han turns to Chewie and says "I hope Lumpy liked his Life Day present."
posted by emjaybee at 6:01 PM on January 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


A year old? "1/15/2013" Or am I missing something?
posted by brundlefly at 6:01 PM on January 24, 2013


Ah, shit.
posted by phaedon at 6:04 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Kathryn Bigelow's The Force Locker.
posted by Artw at 6:04 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Which would take place entirely on Tatooine, I suppose.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:07 PM on January 24, 2013


I wonder what a Trek show would be like if it was given backing by an AMC or HBO.

You do know that VIACOM (CBS, Paramount) owns Star Trek, right? And that Les Moonves hates Star Trek?
posted by rocketman at 6:09 PM on January 24, 2013


shakespeherian: "They should just wrap it into the Arrested Development movie."

V/O: Although Han had ordered a star ship, due to a malfunction in the protocol droid's software, he wound up with something different.

Luke: There's a freighter with an escalator welded onto it in the docking bay. It seems like a~

Leia: Like a stair ship?

Luke: Yeah.

Later, Luke and Leia will sing Afternoon Delight.
posted by boo_radley at 6:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


I just went on a nerd rant on twitter about how JJ Abrams crammed Star Trek full of Star Wars puppets and pretty much threw his hands in the air on xenobiology (he even blew up Vulcan! One of the richest cultures in the Star Trek universe!) and how I'm really happy for him to turn his attention to actual Star Wars instead.

Let him blow up Alderaan.

Oh, wait.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Oh hey they should get MC Chris to direct.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


No votes for Kaufman, huh? Ah, you fuckers couldn't handle it.
posted by phaedon at 6:13 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


But on topic: this could be okay. I feel like Star Wars has a lot of storytelling potential, though they're going to have to grind out some blockbusters before the good personal films get made.
posted by rocketman at 6:13 PM on January 24, 2013


Most of the ones I'd like to see are impossible.

A Capra version. Through a case of mistaken identity a hobo with a heart of gold from a backwater planet gets elected to the galactic senate, stands up against monied interests and saves the kid's galactic scout program with plain spoken homespun wisdom.

Two Billy Wilder versions.
40s Wilder. Han was dead all along. Luke slowly descends into alcoholism and is confined to a locked detox ward.

50s Wilder: Two hepcat musicians must dress as storm troopers to make it across the galaxy for a gig. Along the way one falls in love with a rebel.

John Ford version.Imperial outpost commander must deal with assault on homesteading community by Jawas. Has elaborate dance sequence and Imperial commander spanks several women for back talking. Maybe we can skip that one.

Peckinpah version: Group of outlaws take on both the rebels and the empire. Ultra realistic meditation on the nature of violence featuring a 45 minute slow motion blaster battle.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:16 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Two Billy Wilder versions

YES

Also: Ernst Lubitsch.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:19 PM on January 24, 2013


No votes for Uwe Boll?
posted by mediated self at 6:19 PM on January 24, 2013


Courtney Solomon.
Re-teamed with Jeremy Irons.
posted by Mezentian at 6:25 PM on January 24, 2013


I haven't seen Attack The Block, but I thought Dredd was The Raid: Redemption.

They're essentially identical in their basic plot. All involved swear black and blue it was a coincidence and the timing backs them up.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:27 PM on January 24, 2013


A Capra version. Through a case of mistaken identity a hobo with a heart of gold from a backwater planet gets elected to the galactic senate, stands up against monied interests and saves the kid's galactic scout program with plain spoken homespun wisdom.

I'm pretty sure you just described the Jar Jar Binks subplot from Episode 2.
posted by The World Famous at 6:29 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Except Jar Jar was not known for hesa "plain spoken homespun wisdom".
posted by Mezentian at 6:31 PM on January 24, 2013


AFTER SEEING THE GRANDMASTER I THINK THE BEST DIRECTOR FOR THE NEW STAR WARS WOULD BE WONG KAR-WAI.
posted by C^3 at 6:32 PM on January 24, 2013


PT Anderson in full Boogie Nights mode.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:33 PM on January 24, 2013


No, in The Master mode.

All about the Force.
posted by The Whelk at 6:37 PM on January 24, 2013


It would be cool to see a Star Wars with a bit of a Barry Lyndon reference. Try shooting interior scenes lit with actual candles to an average lighting volume of only three candela.

It would give Stars Wars a unique, visual style to set it apart from other costume dramas.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:40 PM on January 24, 2013


Lerner and Loewe's Starlight Serenade.
posted by jquinby at 6:41 PM on January 24, 2013


Aunt Beru: Where are you going?
Luke: Looks like I'm going nowhere... And you don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not! I'm gonna finish cleaning those 'droids.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


It would be cool to see a Star Wars with a bit of a Barry Lyndon reference. Try shooting interior scenes lit with actual candles to an average lighting volume of only three candela.

And when Anakin tries for the first time in his life to do the right thing and spare his son, his son just goes ahead and shoots him in the leg.

I really fucking love Barry Lyndon
posted by shakespeherian at 6:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


AFTER SEEING THE GRANDMASTER I THINK THE BEST DIRECTOR FOR THE NEW STAR WARS WOULD BE WONG KAR-WAI.

No, John Woo.

Twinfisting blaster pistols while flying through as six-winged alien doves flutter mournfully up through the windows of the space church.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Except Jar Jar was not known for hesa "plain spoken homespun wisdom".

Except maybe in George Lucas's script notes.
posted by straight at 6:48 PM on January 24, 2013


Twinfisting blaster pistols while flying through as six-winged alien doves flutter mournfully up through the windows of the space church.

I would have agreed with this until seeing The Grandmaster. Lightsaber battles in the rain with water artfully twirling off of the hems of their robes as they spin and parry, then punctuated with unfulfilled yearning and the realization that the true enemy is not the dark side but the oppressive passage of time and fleetingness of the present.
posted by C^3 at 6:48 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Terrence Malick's Star Wars.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:50 PM on January 24, 2013


Yuck. This might be the second-worst person to write the next instalment. The first is, of course, Lucas.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:50 PM on January 24, 2013


Director != writer.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:51 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Guy Ritchie

Why are you all looking at me that way?
posted by octothorpe at 6:52 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Serious Q: Is this suggestion based on anything other than District 9?

Yellow. Tetra Vaal. Tempbot. Halo shorts.
posted by Apocryphon at 6:52 PM on January 24, 2013


I hope you guys don't feel obligated to hold on to your despair when this movie comes out and blows your mind.
posted by Brocktoon at 6:53 PM on January 24, 2013


Maya Deren's version follows Leia on a trip to the cantina. She falls asleep on the way. A butterfly lands on her face... Or is it the Millennium Falcon?
posted by drezdn at 6:55 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Yuck. This might be the second-worst person to write the next instalment. The first is, of course, Lucas.

Abrams is not writing it. Michael Arndt is writing it.
posted by The World Famous at 6:58 PM on January 24, 2013


Sofia Coppola doesn't seem so far afield to me. That opening scene of Somewhere is basically a remake of Lucas's 1:42.08.

Though honestly, 95 minutes of spaceships shrieking overhead would be a heck of a lot better than most of the more likely alternatives I can think of.
posted by chortly at 6:59 PM on January 24, 2013


I would have loved to see a Kurosawa version: a Galactic senator with ties to the Rebellion tries to lure a famous but aged general out of retirement to help her cause, while two bumbling (I dunno) droids wander around unwittingly carrying the Rebellion's entire fortune on their backs.

Oh, wait....
posted by The Nutmeg of Consolation at 6:59 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


You guys, the screenplay is being written by Michael Arndt, who did Little Miss Sunshine and was one of the writers with John Lasseter on Toy Story 3.

That's good. I was hoping he wouldn't do what he did with the Star Trek reboot, which was hold it out like a smoldering turd to his Alias buddies and say "You guys know what this is? Can you take care of it?"
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:02 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


shakespeherian: "Jim Jarmusch."

Yes! The first black-and-white psychedelic Star Wars road movie! I think.
posted by Mister_A at 7:04 PM on January 24, 2013


I'm picturing it as basically Broken Flowers with Han Solo.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:06 PM on January 24, 2013


Well hell that might be watchable, laser brain!
posted by Mister_A at 7:11 PM on January 24, 2013


I never thought I'd live to see Episodes 7-8-9. Damn the future is awesome.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 7:14 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I heard Peter Jackson is being tapped to direct Episode 8, but he's going to do it in 3 parts.

Peter Jackson was asked to do remakes of episodes 1-3 and was heard to remark "three movies? There's not enough material here for 1!"
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:18 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


So then he did it in 4.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:20 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Alfonso Cuaron, please.
posted by Huck500 at 7:24 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Did you all see the preview for the new Star Trek in front of the Hobbit? I thought it was absolutely stunning. I can't wait to see what he does with Star Wars.
posted by empath at 7:24 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


The movie-Trek universe is *absurdly* disconnected now. Quite literally, nothing from established canon really makes sense in Movie-Trek.

That'd be fine, but it means we're really not likely to get Trek back on TV...I think...ever.
posted by effugas at 7:26 PM on January 24, 2013


(Seriously. TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY, ENT...all the movies...none of it ever happened in Movie-Trek.)
posted by effugas at 7:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


The informal, mostly-respected rule that there's not too much crossover in production interests between the Star Trek and Star Wars franchises exists for some pretty good reasons. I though Abrams' Star Trek was fun. I don't want to see exactly the same kind of thing again -- and we will see it, because his declared goal with Trek was to make it more like what he liked in Star Wars.
posted by mobunited at 7:31 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]



The informal, mostly-respected rule that there's not too much crossover in production interests between the Star Trek and Star Wars franchises exists for some pretty good reasons. I though Abrams' Star Trek was fun. I don't want to see exactly the same kind of thing again -- and we will see it, because his declared goal with Trek was to make it more like what he liked in Star Wars.


Since Abrams Star Trek was fun and action-packed, maybe his Star Wars will have serious dipolmacy and people sitting in gray meeting halls discussing intergalactic laws.

Wait... that was Episode 1.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:36 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


ENT happened in movie Trek, hence the dog joke.
posted by Artw at 7:36 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I don't want to see exactly the same kind of thing again -- and we will see it, because his declared goal with Trek was to make it more like what he liked in Star Wars.

After I posted upthread about how he blew up Vulcan, I realized (for the first time) that that trope as a stakes-raiser pretty much undoubtedly exists in 2009 Trek specifically because of Alderaan and my head exploded with nerd rage.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:38 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


As long as Mark Hamill, as Luke, gets to do voice impressions of the Emperor to make the padawan younglings laugh, all the rest is superfluous to me.
posted by CynicalKnight at 7:39 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


You do know that VIACOM (CBS, Paramount) owns Star Trek, right? And that Les Moonves hates Star Trek?

I alway say that Les Moonves is more Moonves.
posted by COBRA! at 7:42 PM on January 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


Oh, man... The jokes.

It could be worse (Bay), but I was hoping they'd pick someone who wasn't quite a big name (unless Bird counts), since now this'll be trumpeted as "JJ ABRAMS' Star Wars!" rather than just Star Wars.

I assume he'll stay fairly in line with the established look and feel of the franchise, since that's a lot more limited than what Trek was, where you had a much more diverse range of styles, shows, movies, directors, writers, etc.

But I hope he's familiar enough with the Clones Wars show to pick up some pointers from it. And to want to bring Dave Filoni on as a consultant.

Oh, and no one's mentioned that Lawrence Kasdan was hired to write one of the episodes, so hopefully he'll have some input on VII also.

Cue the self-deprecating Lindelof tweet...
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 7:44 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


fuck everything

give it to michael bay
posted by elizardbits at 7:45 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Artw: "Simon Pegg is already in Clone Wars as the voice of Dengar, the bandaged up bounty hunter standing in the background in Empire."

As if I need to be told who Dengar is.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:51 PM on January 24, 2013 [10 favorites]


After I posted upthread about how he blew up Vulcan, I realized (for the first time) that that trope as a stakes-raiser pretty much undoubtedly exists in 2009 Trek specifically because of Alderaan and my head exploded with nerd rage.

I always saw it less as a stakes-raiser and more as a "we are definitely not snapping back to the old continuity" statement. Vulcans as endangered species makes the Trek universe a different place.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 7:54 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I speculated in the other thread about John Williams likely not returning, so if this means Michael Giacchino takes over, I'm sure that wouldn't be unpopular.

I'm not looking forward to all the potential winking fanboy-pleasing Abramite cameos though (yeah, Lucas does the same thing, but... that's different).
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:00 PM on January 24, 2013


After I posted upthread about how he blew up Vulcan, I realized (for the first time) that that trope as a stakes-raiser pretty much undoubtedly exists in 2009 Trek specifically because of Alderaan and my head exploded with nerd rage.

Calm your nerd rage by watching "The Doomsday Machine" episode of TOS a good 10 years before Star Wars.
posted by The World Famous at 8:01 PM on January 24, 2013


phaedon: "Holy shit it just hit me that Kevin Smith looks like a young George Lucas."

Actually, Kevin Smith looks like two young George Lucases. Maybe three.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:02 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Pretty much every director in the 1970s looked like a skinny Kevin Smith.
posted by The World Famous at 8:05 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Calm your nerd rage by watching "The Doomsday Machine" episode of TOS a good 10 years before Star Wars.

I'm not saying that Lucas invented planet-exploding, but that the act shapes the plot in almost identical ways in both stories, destroying one character's home senselessly in order to galvanize their anger and spur them to take action later in the narrative. Also to prove that the villain is evul. I mean, it's the same trope used in a very, very similar way.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Kinda-sorta revival and/or reboot of one-and-a-half good popcorn movies from thirty-five years ago? Sounds like a job for Ridley Scott.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:24 PM on January 24, 2013


it's the same trope used in a very, very similar way.

True. He also made Kirk into Luke, having him be a cocky orphan driving a fast car across a bleak landscape. Except in Star Trek Luke gets to go to the academy.
posted by The World Famous at 8:28 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Coen Brothers Star Wars Movie No. 1:
A Frank Tashlin pastiche. Extremely quick satire about the hijinx that ensue when George Clooney, a fast-talking Sienar Fleet Systems salesman, schemes to make the terrible new starfighter model look good by staging a rebel attack. With Frances MacDormand, Steve Buscemi, and John Goodman in a Wookie suit.

Coen Brothers Star Wars Movie No. 2:
A Samuel Fuller pastiche. The extremely foul-mouthed actioner follows both a squad of Stormtroopers and the sect of Jedi they're trying to track down Kashyyk. Ends with a fist-fight and an ambiguous closeup.
posted by Iridic at 8:31 PM on January 24, 2013 [11 favorites]


Kinda-sorta revival and/or reboot of one-and-a-half good popcorn movies from thirty-five years ago? Sounds like a job for Ridley Scott.

and then we can have a post every few weeks about how terrible it turned out
posted by ninjew at 8:33 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


So status quo, then?
posted by The World Famous at 8:46 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Peter Jackson was asked to do remakes of episodes 1-3 and was heard to remark "three movies? There's not enough material here for 1!"

Lucas actually agrees with this assessment.
Agreed while he was making the prequels.
The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones have 20% each, Sith gets 60%.

And yet he made them like that anyway.
posted by Mezentian at 8:48 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Getting rid of the movie for another TV show is easily enough done: Alternate timeline, boom, done!
posted by Artw at 8:49 PM on January 24, 2013


They could just ignore the movies and let the movies do their thang.
But they won't, will they?

Honestly, I could live without ever seeing a new Trek series.
I would like to see the Star Wars TV (Underworld?) series.

And new stuff, like Defiance will hopefully be good (i am foolishly optimistic). And a sequel to Blake's 7 where Avon's alive.
posted by Mezentian at 8:54 PM on January 24, 2013


I would like to see the Star Wars TV series.

Here you go!
posted by Sys Rq at 9:22 PM on January 24, 2013


Alien Nation sequel. Vessna Francisco the rookie cop has to stop invasion of aliens who have finally returned to collect their slave cargo.

Call me, hollywood.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:22 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wow, just kill it already (both ST & SW). Why can't people create *new* movie space operas? If they need to use existing source material, there are literally tons of decent books to draw from, why do we need to rehash this crap?

I will, of course, go to see it soon after it comes out.
posted by smidgen at 9:26 PM on January 24, 2013


Well then there's your answer.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:27 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Here you go!

I'm sending Itchy, Lumpy and Mala after you. You just wait to see what Itchy's going to do in your favourite chair.
posted by Mezentian at 9:28 PM on January 24, 2013


why do we need to rehash this crap?

Because when they give you something new, like Prometheus or Avatar from visionary directors, y'all whine.

And when they adapt Forever War or Ender's Game y'all whine about the changes. And you don't see it, right, John Carter?

Best to play it safe.
posted by Mezentian at 9:30 PM on January 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


I loved John Carter. I saw it twice, in the theater even!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:32 PM on January 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


I loved John Carter too and have it on DVD, and I am gutted that we were cheated out of a sequel because Disney didn't know how to market the film.

A good thing Star Wars is in safe hands.
posted by Mezentian at 9:36 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Because when they give you something new, like Prometheus

I don't think risibility is necessarily a new thing. but can't think of anything else in there that wasn't just more aliens franchise mythology and idiot plot points interspersed with irrelevent non-plot points dressed up as idiot plot points.
posted by Sparx at 9:43 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't think whining is the issue. Most of the whiners, including myself, will go to see whatever big budget scifi is pooped out. No one really cares what a bunch of dweebs on the internet think as long as they pay.

Both prometheus & avatar have sequels in the works, although I would not classify avatar as space opera. I had no idea about ender or forever war, that'll be.. interesting to see. John Carter was fun, I'm sad no one (else?) went to see it...

Mainly, SW & ST just seem entirely played out, in a way that even Alien cum Prometheus isn't. The newest ST movie was entertaining after a fashion, but it's old hat. They couldn't even keep the ST-TNG lazy tech-tech-tech as a major plot resolution out of it. Even Lucas' SW-TNG was not as lazy.
posted by smidgen at 9:55 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Because when they give you something new, like Prometheus or Avatar from visionary directors, y'all whine.

First, both of those movies were pretty terrible. OK, Prometheus looked beautiful, but other than that, it was pretty terrible. Second, Prometheus was a prequel of a well-established series that already had what, four or five movies? Not something new, unless an incoherent screenplay by a writer who apparently had at best a passing familiarity with the source material counts as "new." But if that's the case, then the Star Wars prequels were also "new."

And when they adapt Forever War or Ender's Game y'all whine about the changes.

Sure, but a big part of that is that Star Wars and Star Trek succeed not in spite of but because of the fact that they are not film adaptations of brilliant sci-fi novels. They are film born as film (or TV, as it were), and they speak the language of the screen, not some translation of literary style. And I'm not familiar enough to speak to Forever War, but Ender's Game is really not a space opera at all. I enjoyed the book many years ago when I was young and foolish, and I have no idea whether I would enjoy it today. We'll see. I suspect that Ender's Game as a film will be marred by Card's notoriety as a despicable blowhard hatemonger, and that whatever shortcomings it has as a film will be magnified by the fact that its primary audience will be internet folks who are familiar with Card's assholery.
posted by The World Famous at 9:58 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


No one really cares what a bunch of dweebs on the internet think as long as they pay.

Amen to that.
posted by George Lucas at 10:00 PM on January 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


Because when they give you something new, like Prometheus or Avatar from visionary directors, y'all whine.

I whined about Avatar because I felt like I spent $13 on a tech demo. After the movie was over, I waited in vain for a framerate display to pop up. The story was laughable at best and horrible at worst.
posted by Sphinx at 10:10 PM on January 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't think risibility is necessarily a new thing. but can't think of anything else in there that wasn't just more aliens franchise mythology and idiot plot points interspersed with irrelevent non-plot points dressed up as idiot plot points.

sassy android disembodied Fassbender head, tho
posted by ninjew at 10:14 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think I'm done. I'm going to grow up.
posted by srboisvert at 10:22 PM on January 24, 2013


A little disappointed nobody's suggested Todd Solondz yet.
posted by phaedon at 10:24 PM on January 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


The World Famous: "And I'm not familiar enough to speak to Forever War, but Ender's Game is really not a space opera at all."

Neither is The Forever War-it's basically Haldeman working out his feelings about Vietnam.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:26 PM on January 24, 2013



The World Famous: "And I'm not familiar enough to speak to Forever War, but Ender's Game is really not a space opera at all."

Neither is The Forever War-it's basically Haldeman working out his feelings about Vietnam.


That informed Star Wars, too. Darth Vader was Nixon, and the forest moon of Endor was Vietnam. Lucas was originally going to direct Apocolpyse Now. Its weird, since the original Star Wars movies seem so apolitical compared to the new ones.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 10:31 PM on January 24, 2013


I don't think any film with a decent budget will have "internet scifi gossip hounds" as its target audience. I really had no idea about Card's politics, and after having looked them up, still don't particularly find it relevant to whether I'll go see the movie. I'm willing to guess most people who see the film eventually will never read the book, anyway. And, to parts of a more diverse audience, Card might be seen as a plus, not a minus.

I used to think somewhat along your lines about stories from books vs stories tailor-made for movies as well, but I've come to the conclusion that most screenwriters are generally not all that good at filling in the gaps. Sometimes it's better that they have a well written (hopefully!) background for their work. Perhaps this is the thing that puts SW&ST at an advantage. LoTR didn't exactly suffer in translation to movie form, even if the small minority of LoTR geeks couldn't handle their favorite parts being cut or altered.
posted by smidgen at 10:33 PM on January 24, 2013


I don't think any film with a decent budget will have "internet scifi gossip hounds" as its target audience. I really had no idea about Card's politics, and after having looked them up, still don't particularly find it relevant to whether I'll go see the movie.

Orson Scott Card's problem is bigotry, though, and there are people who do make it their business not to support films whose creators espouse noxious ideas.
posted by empath at 10:49 PM on January 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


I wonder if Orson Scott Card's available to write the script for Star Wars VII?
He can team up with Chabon.

The 'making of' would be awesome.
posted by Mezentian at 10:57 PM on January 24, 2013


Nah, my money is on Diablo Cody.
posted by Artw at 10:59 PM on January 24, 2013


Card/Cody for Star Wars VII.

Someone get Lucas on that.
posted by Mezentian at 11:00 PM on January 24, 2013


I wonder if Orson Scott Card's available to write the script for Star Wars VII?

The thing is, Ender's Game could actually have been adapted pretty well to be the backstory for Darth Vader with some little changes here and some big changes there. Card has had his moments as a writer, and he's also had some pretty lousy ones. I suspect, though, that he's well past his prime as a novelist, even setting aside the his odious bigotry and general creepiness as a person.

It's possible that the Ender's Game movie could be really well-executed and could be a commercial success. But whether it's great, average, or terrible, it's going to get the geeks (of which I count myself one) complaining. And the complaining is going to be about a) how the movie ruined the book, b) how the book really did have some creepy themes that we somehow overlooked or ignored the first time we read it, c) how the movie tried, unsuccessfully, to gloss over or leave out those creepy themes, and d) how all those things are made worse by the fact that Card is an odious bigot who rewrote Hamlet as a ham-fisted homophobic screed. And if the movie adaptation of Ender's Game keeps the part about Ender's mother being Mormon, that's only going to make it much, much worse.
posted by The World Famous at 11:12 PM on January 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


What? That hamlet thing is... fucking horrible, creepy and bizarre. I hesitate to look further down that particular sewer hole.
posted by smidgen at 11:45 PM on January 24, 2013


Yeah, I think Ender's Game succeeded back in the day partly because we didn't know how much of its darkness and creepiness was just Card being Card (which is complicated by the fact that it is indeed an intentionally dark and creepy novel, written in the author's prime).

I'm interested in the idea that Ender's story could've been adapted as Vader's backstory. Certainly Ender's Game feels like it's going to a much darker place than it is -- there's psychological fallout, but it doesn't seem like a story whose characters should ever be okay again -- and Anakin's fall in the prequels is the exact reverse. There is no sense, as in Ender, of multiple generations of good intentions corrupted or abused. The two stories' flaws complement each other.

Ender and Star Wars are also alike in that they're from the late '70s and early '80s, and it's extremely difficult to pull off resonant adaptations of a story on opposite sides of something like the Cold War.
posted by thesmallmachine at 1:08 AM on January 25, 2013


In choosing a director to match the majesty of your original, "good" films, I am surprised that you don't also take into account all of the analysis that has been put in to those beloved original three over this past decade. Surely you've all read the scholarship that suggests: the original Star Wars trilogy, as a whole, was not simply greater than the sum of its parts, but was greater than that sum without oweing as much to George Lucas' credit, as once was perceived.

A single man was not responsible for all of that bliss; nor could he be. What you want to find is a person both blessed/cursed with a singular vision as well as being just, slightly megalomaniacal enough to balance a good team. A team of only zealouts and visionaries of their respective trades and crafts; possibly pushed to the limits of chronistic possibilities.

There is a balance there, and I want you Star Wars fans to be happy.

On other notes I'm too lazy to shore up:
Dredd used the Bieber 800% slowed down, or something similar, to good effect
Upstream confusing 'The Raid' and 'Attack the Block' kinda makes sense
posted by coolxcool=rad at 4:13 AM on January 25, 2013


Dredd used the Bieber 800% slowed down, or something similar, to good effect

Paulstretch.

Everything you put in there sounds amazing, you can take a peppy margarine ditty from 1961 and it'll sound like Sigur Ros covering Vangelis in a cathedral washed away by the sea.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:48 AM on January 25, 2013 [6 favorites]


"They should just wrap it into the Arrested Development movie."

As long as they add AD-style previews after the prequels and the trilogy:

Luke: And... my sister has it. Yes. It's you, Leia.
Princess Leia: I know. Somehow, I've always known.

--Cut to Han Solo--
Han Solo: Her?

***

Darth Vader: How much clearer can I say it. THERE IS ALWAYS MONEY IN THE DEATH STAR.

--Cut to his son destroying the death star--

**

Princess Leia: I love you
Han Solo: I know
Gob Bluth: Her?
posted by ersatz at 4:54 AM on January 25, 2013 [6 favorites]


So what young(ish kinda) filmmakers should have been given the keys to the Star Wars series then?

Maybe the Wachowskis? Not young enough? I wouldn't want them to write the script, as that's where all the cringe-worthy Jesus-figure stuff in the Matrix trilogy came from, but seems like they'd be OK to direct. I'm fairly confident they'd be at pains to be true to the originals. And they know what it is to be directing an effects-based epic with a lot of fan baggage.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:21 AM on January 25, 2013


And when they adapt Forever War...y'all whine about the changes

Now, this is is the classic sci fi novel I'd like to see a director like Rian Johnson take on.

How come no one ever talks about making movies out of the Dorsai books? I think the last decade-plus of geopolitics and our increasing valorization of elite military subcultures at "the tip of the spear" has set the stage perfectly for an adaptation of The Tactics of Mistake for instance.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:37 AM on January 25, 2013


Alan Smithee
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:51 AM on January 25, 2013 [9 favorites]


Everything you put in there sounds amazing, you can take a peppy margarine ditty from 1961 and it'll sound like Sigur Ros covering Vangelis in a cathedral washed away by the sea.

That's because it's really not stretching the sound out (if it did, it would obviously be below hearing frequency). It also doesn't simply extend individual bits of the original sound by some arbitrary length. It actually breaks down the frequencies in the original sound and then randomizes the phases of the wave forms and extends them, which is where the choir-like sound comes from. It's a little bit, but not quite like a vocoder.
posted by empath at 5:53 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


smidgen: "I hesitate to look further down that particular sewer hole."

Good call. OSC has gone very, very far off the rails in recent years.
posted by Chrysostom at 5:59 AM on January 25, 2013


He also made Kirk into Luke, having him be a cocky orphan driving a fast car across a bleak landscape. Except in Star Trek Luke gets to go to the academy.

Well... Luke was a dorky country kid and Abram's Kirk was a reckless douche-bro with ugly eyebrows. Maybe that's how Kirk has to be, but still, I thought Star Wars did a pretty good job in its intro for Luke. His motivation at first was just that he wanted to get the fuck off Tatooine. He already kinda wanted to join the rebels. Even when Uncle Ben & Aunt Beru died, that mostly just severed his ties to Tatooine, it wasn't played up as emotional core like a stupid superhero movie. He already knew the Empire was bad; he already wanted to go out into the world and fight. It was not a case of him being happy, and then the Empire smashing it all and a scream of noooooo and vow of revenge at all costs. Maybe Luke made you cringe but his backstory was more than dude exhibiting signature behavior in starting_location, then on with the show. Not that that can't be fun, but Star Wars is notable for not doing it that way, whereas Abram's stuff with Kirk and his dad was just lazy and dumb in comparison.

Another thing about Star Wars (the first movie most of all) was that it had a good sense of location and some great sets. For example, when they go around inside the Death Star, there are different locations that tie into each other. There are hallways, chasms, all kinds of cool looking and varied environments. Obi Wan turning off the power generators was cool. It was cool that the control room with a view of the Falcon, or when the blast door opens and Luke can watch Obi Wan have the showdown with Vader. The original Star Wars had a grandness and sense of space that sequels and knockoffs failed to recapture.

Abram's Star Trek's sets sucked. Do you remember the bridge of that Enterprise? Could you draw it from memory? Of all the Star Trek bridges it is perhaps the most bland and uninteresting. It felt like a hospital waiting room. I almost feel like it was on the SIDE of the ship, with a view of the wing. Evil Eric Bana's headquarters was just a "lol i dunno" jumble of catwalks. The beanstalk part was all right, but even then it had the problem where it wasn't a cool place, it was set dressing for a "cool" action sequence. (Which are so often way less cool than the filmmakers think—that robot factory in the prequels, errrg.)

It's true that Star Trek on TV never really had sense that the interior of the ship matched the exterior of the ship, or even connected sensibly, but at least the interiors were there and sometimes mattered. There were locations on the ship. But in Abram's Star Trek it was like there was not a single interesting place on the Enterprise, or anywhere else. Boring rooms and action playlands. Maybe that's barely acceptable for a Star Trek reboot, just throw some junk out there with Kirk and Spock and some actors fans will like, but Star Wars without the grand scale and neat sets just isn't Star Wars.

Modern action-adventure-scifi movies don't capture that sense of space very well. Dredd did okay, but lacked variety. For having so little to it, Dredd went down easy. Attack the Block did better; locations connected to each other, they were revisited, they felt more like a real place where some action happened to be taking place. Die Hard was better still, and its sequels also failed to recreate the magic you get from scenes connecting to each other this way. Alien had it, Predator did not. Maybe this is why so many of these sci-fi movies that supposedly "look good", like Avatar and Prometheus and Tron: The Recent One (and the Matrix, yeah I said it), do not actually look that good to me. They're visually slick, but there's nothing in them that knocks my socks off, there's not really interesting spaces in them. Action sequences are too delineated, nicely contained, and disposable. The just don't feel like places.

tl;dr: Based on Star Trek (and Super 8), I don't think Abrams has the eye to do Star Wars justice. Its grand sense of space is something missing from modern sci-fi movies in general and not something the squee-ing fans think to ask for. Abrams sucks at it. I'm not sure if any director does it well. Brad Bird, maybe.
posted by fleacircus at 6:27 AM on January 25, 2013 [15 favorites]


If you have not read The Secret History Of Star Wars, do do.
If you are interested.
It makes so much so clear.
posted by Mezentian at 6:31 AM on January 25, 2013


i did a page search for "shyamalan" and had 0 results.

for all our joking, we never went there
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:33 AM on January 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


i did a page search for "shyamalan" and had 0 results.
for all our joking, we never went there


None of his twists were ever as good as "Luke made out with his sister AND his dad's the bad guy".
posted by hanov3r at 6:35 AM on January 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


hanov3r: "i did a page search for "shyamalan" and had 0 results.
for all our joking, we never went there


None of his twists were ever as good as "Luke made out with his sister AND his dad's the bad guy".
"

And at the end of ROTJ, long before Sixth Sense, Luke was already seeing dead people!

... maybe that was just some bitchin' Ewok hallucinogens doing the work, but whatevs.
posted by barnacles at 6:51 AM on January 25, 2013


Woody Allen's Star Wars

NEBBISH LUKE SKYWALKER: What if there is no Force? What if there is no energy field created by all living things that binds us all together? Someday it will break apart and that will be the end of everything.

AUNT BERU: What is that your business?!
posted by ColdChef at 7:30 AM on January 25, 2013 [8 favorites]


Fleacircus -- I mostly agree, but I feel like Tron: Legacy had interesting places galore. I can definitely close my eyes and see them. In fact, I felt like the architecture and landscape (as it were) often upstaged the action.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:30 AM on January 25, 2013


I'd have given the job to Kershner but apparently he's impossible to book.
posted by mazola at 7:38 AM on January 25, 2013


TRON 2 was a shell of visual and aural awesomeness surrounding nothing.
posted by Artw at 8:09 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Modern action-adventure-scifi movies don't capture that sense of space very well

Horror movies are often good at this, as they often have to work within closed and claustrophobic locations. I think I could draw the floor plan to the Evil Dead house from memory. And then there's The Shining.
posted by painquale at 8:17 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Meanwhile the Dredd comic is taking an entirely new direction.
posted by Artw at 8:35 AM on January 25, 2013


Give it to Gilliam, make all the action setpieces into paper animation.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:38 AM on January 25, 2013


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. DREDD DOES NOT KISS.
posted by Mezentian at 8:39 AM on January 25, 2013


For the record, I was sure the Star Trek Babies movie was going to suck when it was announced. Maybe it was low expectations going in but it turned out I enjoyed it quite a bit and I think it stands up well while respecting what came before.

On that front, I expect this new Star Wars movie will be in interesting in a way that the prequels were not. I just have to remember not to get caught up in the hype.
posted by mazola at 8:41 AM on January 25, 2013


The tough guy - played on the big screen by Sylvester Stallone

God dammit, media.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:43 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm not comfortable with the idea of Dredd having any kind of inner life, period.
posted by The Whelk at 8:45 AM on January 25, 2013


I liked the Red Letter Media take on ST2009 - it's not, fundamentally, Star Trek. It's an action film, a quite good one, that uses many of the same names and places as Star Trek did. But it's not really the same thing at all.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:45 AM on January 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


Dredd & Walter.
OTP
posted by Mezentian at 8:53 AM on January 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Terrence Malick's Star Wars.

My favorite tweet was Max Read's who wrote:
"FATHER ISSUES, THE INFINITE EXPANSE, THE ENCOUNTER OF THE OTHER, THE TUG BETWEEN NATURE & TECHNOLOGY: THESE ARE MALICKIAN THEMES"
I'd be first in line to see Malick's Star Wars, even if I did have to wait a decade for it! And a Sofia Coppola Star Wars? I would eat that up and beg for more.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:56 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm not comfortable with the idea of Dredd having any kind of inner life, period.

The interview with wroter Rob Wiliams is one of the most astute takes on Dredds character I've read.

(The movie pretty much nails it, FWIW)
posted by Artw at 8:57 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


In fact, I felt like the architecture and landscape (as it were) often upstaged the action.

It was pretty as a magazine ad. I had pretty much checked out after the game center thing, which was exactly the kind of bad action set piece I was talking about. I don't remember there being any wondrous vistas or the sense that the grid was a fantastical, alien place. I'll give it another shot but I'm not sure if I'll make it through the Michael Sheen part.

I wonder what a Trek show would be like if it was given backing by an AMC or HBO.

"AMC's Warring Stars may not have much in the way of stars, or wars, but the next season promises shake things up for viewers! After a tidy resolution of last season's big cliffhanger, new behaviors for each character will emerge, exposing more of Luke's complicated family relationships as well as both the good and bad sides of Chewbacca's rage. Social issues viewers care about will be touched upon."
posted by fleacircus at 8:59 AM on January 25, 2013


Vince Gilligan's Trek controversially merges Spock and Kirk into a superficially logical Captain who under pressure turns out to be an impulsive nutcase. Also: Goatee.
posted by Artw at 9:01 AM on January 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


I liked the Red Letter Media take on ST2009 - it's not, fundamentally, Star Trek. It's an action film, a quite good one, that uses many of the same names and places as Star Trek did. But it's not really the same thing at all.

I'm sure a big factor with Abrams being able to take more liberties with ST is that Roddenberry is long gone, and it's not as strongly identified with him, compared to Star Wars and Lucas.

So even if he's not as directly involved, I'd guess Abrams will still feel him breathing down his neck. And he's certainly much more reverent of him to begin with.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:22 AM on January 25, 2013


I was once as a big a Star Wars fan as any (my powers of fanhood have weakened over the past decade), but I'm relatively okay with this decision. I'm not a super Trek fan, but I appreciated his approach to the movie. It was different, definitely different, but I thought the DNA was there, as much as it has been in other reiterations of Trek, be it from DS9 to The Voyage Home, etc.

Vince Gilligan's Trek controversially merges Spock and Kirk into a superficially logical Captain who under pressure turns out to be an impulsive nutcase.

Not to be confused with the Trek which merged a vulcan and always look on the bright side slightly furry alien cook?
posted by Atreides at 9:24 AM on January 25, 2013


I liked New Spock, not so much New Kirk. Seriously, what is the appeal of these DiCaprio-esque actors that have no control over their upper facial muscles?
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:38 AM on January 25, 2013


Abrams was on my dream list, along with the other big ones mentioned above (Whedon, Bird), and I am very very pleased. I know many of you hate, well, everything, but I loved Lost, Super 8, and Cloverfield, and I like(d) Fringe. Star Trek I fall somewhere between love and like but realistically I think it is as good as a reboot could be. Star Wars 7, by all indications, is not going to be a reboot - it's going to be either a continuity or a parallel story and I think JJ could kill it. In the good way.

My jokey but fascinating to imagine director of choice would be Whit Stillman.
posted by dirtdirt at 9:42 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah - I unapologetically loved Lost and Fringe, and I really enjoyed the new Star Trek movie. So I, for one, think this might be cool.

But I was totally serious about Sofia Coppola.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:56 AM on January 25, 2013


Abrams has been minimally involved in most of the TV shows he has credit on since Felicity. Particularly Lost. I think Lindelof joked with Jimmy Kimmel that Kimmel knew more about Lost than Abrams did.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:16 AM on January 25, 2013


Kirk, Spock & Bones Banished to the Phantom Zone!
posted by Artw at 10:20 AM on January 25, 2013


Seriously, 350 comments in and nobody has cared to mention how MI:3 was far and away the best installment in the series? You people are fucked.
posted by phaedon at 10:27 AM on January 25, 2013


Lego accused of racism with Star Wars set
posted by Artw at 10:33 AM on January 25, 2013


350 comments in and nobody has cared to mention how MI:3 was far and away the best installment in the series?

I never even saw MI:3.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:16 AM on January 25, 2013


You can totally skip to it, and Cruise is barely irritating.
posted by Artw at 11:18 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Fascinating.
posted by spock at 11:24 AM on January 25, 2013 [5 favorites]


Lego accused of racism with Star Wars set

I feel like that is worthy of it's own discussion in the blue maybe? But I'm wary of posting it because I worry that it could be awful.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:26 AM on January 25, 2013


Wasn't MI:3 the John Woo one?
posted by Mezentian at 11:32 AM on January 25, 2013


Lego discussion in short - It looks nothing like the Hagia Sophia. If believably so, then these people should have been accusing RTOJ of being racist nearly 30 years ago (How dare they put a giant nasty slug criminal overlord in the Hagia Sophia!).


P.S. The Byzantines thank you for appreciating their work.

And MI:3, which I swear I watched, apparently wasn't memorable enough for me to recall other than Phillip Seymour Hoffman was the bad guy.
posted by Atreides at 11:34 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Jabba's palace of course originally being a B'omarr monastry.
posted by Artw at 11:48 AM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Juan Carlos Fresnadillo to direct.
Luc Besson can write it or produce it or both.
Guillermo del Toro's design team (including Wayne Barlowe, natch) can make new creatures.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 12:51 PM on January 25, 2013


phaedon: "Star Wars VII: Y Tu Papa Tambien"

Star Wars VIII: John Noble and Jasika Nicole reverse-engineer The Force, and inject Anna Torv with a potent dose of midichlorians. The film ends as Anna Torv unexpectedly meets Spock.

Star Wars IX: The R2s were created by man....

Star Wars X: Things go horribly wrong when Mace Windu visits a diner. Conditions deteriorate further after he boards an interplanetary transport.

Star Wars XI: A rag-tag bunch of travelers aboard the Millennium Falcon crash-land on a remote and eerily-abandoned moon. Eventually, a hatch is discovered and they slowly come to realize that it's not a moon at all. The true purpose of the 'moon' is never revealed, and the film ends abruptly.

Star Wars XII: After being passed up for a promotion, Lars is forced to take control of the Moisture Farm while his father is being investigated for fraud, and violating trade sanctions with the Hutts. Meanwhile, Luke begins to develop feelings for Leia.

Star Wars XIII: As a civil war devastates the galaxy, pregnant Padme and R2-D2 seek refuge at an imperial encampment on Dagobah. One day, R2 discovers the entrance to a secret underground maze where Yoda awes R2 with the power of the force. R2's propensity for mischief wrecks havoc at the incampment, and ultimately leads to Padme's demise while giving birth to Luke and Leia. The stormtroopers react by decommissioning R2 in the maze, causing his holographic projector to malfunction as the droid's power slowly drains away.

Star Wars XIV: An attractive young cheerleader is found murdered at Cloud City. A quirky Imperial Special Agent is sent to work with Cloud City's local security chief, Finis Valorum (no relation) to solve the murder. Intrigue develops, as the family of Lando's late husband conspire to take control of the gas mine. John Williams quits the franchise, and is replaced by Angelo Badalamenti.

Star Was XV: A scientific expedition to a distant planet goes terribly wrong, and the Millennium Falcon is hijacked by an evil alien carrying a potent virus. Luke saves the galaxy by crashing his X-Wing into Han's ship as it takes off. The ship plummets into the ground, and begins to roll. Leia runs directly into the path of the ship, and is killed instantly. C-3PO is decapitated, but continues to function. Meanwhile, the potent virus held on the planet merges with Han Solo's DNA to give birth to what would later become the Gungan race.
posted by schmod at 1:00 PM on January 25, 2013 [5 favorites]


Awesome, schmod.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:18 PM on January 25, 2013


Anna Torv unexpectedly meets Spock

Illogical. Anna Torv is Spock.
posted by The World Famous at 1:21 PM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Do you remember the bridge of that Enterprise? Could you draw it from memory?

Total side note, but if this is how we measure good memory, then I don't remember anything.
posted by davidjmcgee at 1:28 PM on January 25, 2013


Total side note, but if this is how we measure good memory, then I don't remember anything.

Seconded. I would even have a hard time drawing my office, from which I barely move all day.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:32 PM on January 25, 2013


I can't even draw a tree from memory.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:54 PM on January 25, 2013


Okay, I have successfully drawn the bridge from memory, but for some reason the characters are all nude and the Vulcan mind meld seems to work differently than in all the other shows. Also, I forget what we are supposed to be proving, other than that, apparently, JJ is a pervert.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:08 PM on January 25, 2013


As far as memorable designs, I had that problem with the prequels. Nearly all the 4-6 vehicles were unique enough that a kid could draw their likeness fairly easily. The prequels felt a lot more generic and amorphous.

Transformers cartoon vs live-action had the same issue.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:14 PM on January 25, 2013


Seriously, 350 comments in and nobody has cared to mention how MI:3 was far and away the best installment in the series? You people are fucked

Ghost Protocol was better! As was the first film. JJs Mission Impossible is better than John Woos.
posted by crossoverman at 3:00 PM on January 25, 2013


Also it has an amusing Renner butt dance in it.
posted by The Whelk at 3:23 PM on January 25, 2013


phaedon: "Seriously, 350 comments in and nobody has cared to mention how MI:3 was far and away the best installment in the series? You people are fucked."

I would have agreed with you when it first came out, but I just re-watched the whole series and now I'd say it's actually my least favorite of the four. It definitely felt more Mission: Impossible-y than the first two, Hoffman is good, and the Vatican sequence is fun*, but it otherwise felt really bland to me.

At the moment, I'd rate them in order of release, except with Ghost Protocol at the top. I don't know why my opinion on 3 has changed so drastically.

*Can anyone explain why Hunt went over the Vatican wall while Luther scuba dived in with the the equipment when they both ended up in the same place? I know it adds more variety to the scene, but I totally missed the logic there if there was any.
posted by brundlefly at 4:19 PM on January 25, 2013


Also it has an amusing Renner butt dance in it.

I have no memory of that at all, and could not draw that.

Was that in the 45-minute sequence where Tom Xenu is climbing outside the building?
posted by Mezentian at 4:39 PM on January 25, 2013


Seriously, 350 comments in and nobody has cared to mention how MI:3 was far and away the best installment in the series? You people are fucked.

The best turd in the toilet is still a turd.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:41 PM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ghost Protocol was better! As was the first film. JJs Mission Impossible is better than John Woos.

NOTHING IS BETTER THAN DANCING CARS

MI:3.. yeah I liked Phillip Seymour Hoffman's menace in that one. but Ghost Protocol was actually pretty good. Aside from some very fakey CGI at certain points and some hammy BMW product placement.
posted by ninjew at 4:42 PM on January 25, 2013


I loved the scene where they spray down the BMW to wash off the temporary fake paint job, only to reveal that the BMW was actually just Ethan Hunt in a rubber mask the whole time!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:46 PM on January 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


The BMW product placement in Star Wars Episode VII will be far more tasteful.
posted by The World Famous at 4:48 PM on January 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


I used to bullseye womp rats in my BMW-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:55 PM on January 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


You haven't heard of the BMW Falcon? It made the BMW run in BMW BMWs!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:03 PM on January 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


I want to make a Ford Telstar joke... but all the good ones have been taken.
posted by Mezentian at 5:04 PM on January 25, 2013


You guys seriously thought Ghost Protocol was better than MI:3? Shit, I guess I'll give it another watch. I thought it was crap the first time I saw it.
posted by phaedon at 11:20 PM on January 25, 2013


well buttdance
posted by The Whelk at 11:25 PM on January 25, 2013


Yes, it is real, for better or worse.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:35 AM on January 26, 2013


(and the Matrix, yeah I said it),
This analysis is spot-on.. but the interesting part is that it works for Matrix in the other direction. There is no sense of place in the matrix -- it's somewhat claustrophobic . The stage sets were actually supposed to be stage sets, having everything be a set piece made the film work (for me).
posted by smidgen at 1:57 PM on January 26, 2013


Disney confirms it: J.J. Abrams is officially directing the next Star Wars movie
Lucas is apparently a fan.

Also confirms that Kasdan is consulting on the script, which is nice. But also so is the screenwriter on Sherlock Holmes and Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which is baffling.
posted by Mezentian at 5:31 PM on January 26, 2013


I will admit that I find Mr. & Mrs. Smith to be a pretty decent script, actually.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:42 PM on January 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


I agree.
I have less nice things to say about Sherlock Holmes or X-Men: The Last Stand which he also wrote. But how much of his script was changed by actors or directors is up for debate.
posted by Mezentian at 5:46 PM on January 26, 2013


Is that the third X-Men film? (I remember essentially nothing from any of the three.)
posted by shakespeherian at 5:50 PM on January 26, 2013


Yes, the Brett Ratner one, which I barely recall anything about either.
posted by Mezentian at 5:54 PM on January 26, 2013


I have less nice things to say about Sherlock Holmes or X-Men: The Last Stand which he also wrote. But how much of his script was changed by actors or directors is up for debate.

Did the guy playing Cyclops decide to die off-camera a third of the way in?
posted by Artw at 6:06 PM on January 26, 2013


Listen to the commentary on The Limey before blaming or crediting a screenwriter for anything.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:08 PM on January 26, 2013


Which Sherlock Holmes are we talking about, anyway? The Ritchie one I considered sufficiently good to declare the curse of Madge lifted.
posted by Artw at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2013


The Richie one. I didn't like it, and did not bother with the sequel. I'm not a Holmes fan, so I didn't mind the liberties with the story of characters, but I found it quite boring and ham-fisted.

Did the guy playing Cyclops decide to die off-camera a third of the way in?

I'd forgotten he died at all. That film was a confusing mess, from memory.
posted by Mezentian at 6:17 PM on January 26, 2013


Trust me, that's the best outcome.
posted by Artw at 6:31 PM on January 26, 2013


Actually, Cyclops didn't just die in the first third, he died in something like the first ten or so minutes. The Third X-Men movie by Ratner is pretty abhorrent on many levels. Like Artw suggests, forget it and be happy.
posted by Atreides at 8:22 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


X3 was so bad it made me feel ashamed that I had liked the first two movies, like it took me a few years before I could watch the first two and go " oh wait they're totally not bad and actually clever."

My only positive memory of X3 was making the only other people in a near empty theatre in West Hollywood laugh when I shouted during the final battle " FINE JUST THROW FLAMING CARS AT THE PROBLEM." Highlight of my performance carrer.
posted by The Whelk at 8:26 AM on January 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


Cyclops dying was the only thing I liked in X3. That whiner was just about the only thing I didn't like in the first two. In fact, it made me so deleriously happy when he was killed at the beginning of X3 that it took me a few years to realize just how bad the rest of the movie was. Serotonin is a powerful drug.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:39 PM on January 27, 2013


Having just seen MI:Ghost Protocol, I withdraw my Brad Bird vote. I vote instead for Joss Whedon and Tarsem Singh smooshed together into one person. The best traits of each. The worst-traits copy must be isolated for testing.
posted by fleacircus at 6:47 PM on January 27, 2013


I vote instead for Joss Whedon and Tarsem Singh smooshed together into one person. The best traits of each. The worst-traits copy must be isolated for testing.

These two are already separated into good director and bad director. They are called Joss Whedon and Tarsem Singh, respectively.
posted by crossoverman at 9:35 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Listen to the commentary on The Limey before blaming or crediting a screenwriter for anything.

People should just listen to the commentary on The Limey, because it's wonderful.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:50 PM on January 27, 2013


And also watch The Limey because it is wonderful.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:58 PM on January 27, 2013


In fact, if I could offer a film class in two DVD commentary tracks, it would be: The audio commentary to The Limey, where director Soderbergh and writer Dobbs argue about the differences between the screenplay and the film, whether the differences are good or bad, why they happened, etc., and the audio commentary on the Love Conquers All version of Brazil, wherein film historian David Morgan discusses every change made by Sid Sheinberg at Universal in order to give Gilliam's film a happy ending-- changes which are as simple as using a different take of the same shot, or using a different angle, or transposing the order of two shots, in order to totally alter the relationships between characters and events. I've probably learned more about filmmaking from these two commentaries than I have from most books I've read.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:04 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


Star Wars XVI: Han Solo upgrades the Milennium Falcoln with a JJ-A series time core, and embarks on various adventures throughout the universe. He tries to lure women onto the Falcoln by demonstrating the ship's hidden smuggling compartments. "It's bigger on the inside."

Star Wars XVII: A sanitation malfunction forces the temporary evacuation of Coruscant. R2-D2 is put in charge of the cleanup, and is quickly forgotten about.

Star Wars XVIII: Despite the loss of the Death Star, the Empire swiftly crushes the rebellion. Forced to make ends meet, Han Solo grants passage to a mysterious passenger and a schizophrenic girl frozen in carbonite. Chewie betrays Han, and is nearly flushed out the airlock. A Jedi Priest with a mysterious past accompanies them, and dies. Meanwhile, a cloning experiment on Kamino goes terribly wrong. David Krumholtz guest-stars as C-3PO's love interest.
posted by schmod at 8:08 AM on January 28, 2013


Joss Whedon and Tarsem Singh smooshed together into one person...The worst-traits copy must be isolated for testing.

I would like to see the movie in which the precocious, deceptively beautiful Whingh Thing murders its way out of captivity and attempts to mate. The title, of course, would be Specious.
posted by Iridic at 8:25 AM on January 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know, For all it's space wizards and slightly hazy geasp of stellar geography as far as I know time travel hasn't been a feature of the Star Wars universe to date. I expect that'll change.
posted by Artw at 8:31 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


as far as I know time travel hasn't been a feature of the Star Wars universe to date

Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs seems to imply some serious time-space manipulation. And they travel at or in excess of light speed all the time. So time travel is such a commonplace event in the Star Wars universe that it is too mundane to have been used as a plot point yet. For the Star Wars gang, time travel is like toilets or carry-on luggage - they don't talk about it or show it, but Luke was also clearly not carrying his one set of street clothes and shoes with him after he stole the Stormtrooper's suit, and it's not like there's a woods in space for Chewie to poop in.
posted by The World Famous at 9:17 AM on January 28, 2013


Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs seems to imply some serious time-space manipulation.

Or, y'know (at the risk of deflating thirty-five years of nerd arguments), a short cut.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:50 PM on January 28, 2013


The Kessel Run Wookiepedia Page is one of the most awful bits of handwaving ever.

The Kessel Run was one of the most heavily used smuggling routes in the Galactic Empire.Han Solo claimed that his Millennium Falcon "made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs". A parsec was a unit of distance, not time. Solo was not referring directly to his ship's speed when he made this claim. Instead, he was referring to the shorter route he was able to travel by skirting the nearby Maw black hole cluster, thus making the run in under the standard distance. By moving closer to the black holes, Solo managed to cut the distance down to about 11.5 parsecs. The smuggler, BoShek, actually beat Solo's record in his ship, Infinity, but without cargo to weigh him down. A few months later, Han Solo beat both his own and BoShek's records in a run he made with Luke Skywalker.

...or it was all just space words to George & co.
posted by Artw at 1:54 PM on January 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Yeah, that's the canon explanation - the Falcon maneuvers well enough, and Han is a good enough pilot, to take the kill-you-if-you-miss-a-turn route instead of the long, safe way.

Well, the second canon explanation. The original one (which was in the shooting script, even) was that Han was spinning an obvious line of bullshit, and couldn't even bother to get his units right.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:54 PM on January 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's not like they even use earth units any other time.
posted by Artw at 1:55 PM on January 28, 2013


Totally. What does "two meters" even mean, anyway?
posted by The World Famous at 2:09 PM on January 28, 2013


In the Star Wars universe, a "meter" is a breed of domesticated trout.

It's idiomatic.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:12 PM on January 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


They're all illiterate anyway.
posted by Artw at 2:15 PM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Star Wars XVIV -- An Alderaanian princess tries to dodge jury duty by dressing as a television producer.
posted by schmod at 8:42 PM on January 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I wonder if Orson Scott Card's available to write the script for Star Wars VII?

What Orson Scott Card's Superman comic will be like
posted by homunculus at 3:50 PM on February 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


Inside the Battle of Hoth: The Empire Strikes Out
posted by homunculus at 5:13 PM on February 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


William Shatner Thinks J.J. Abrams Has Gone to the Dark Side
posted by homunculus at 7:59 PM on February 12, 2013


Ewan McGregor wants Star Wars spin-off movie
posted by Artw at 9:02 PM on February 15, 2013


I'd rather see a Star Wars/Narnia crossover where Obi-Wan meets the White Witch.

Oh wait, they already did that. Never mind.
posted by homunculus at 9:21 PM on February 15, 2013


McGregor hated his Star Wars experience by many accounts, largely because Lucas is not an actors' director.

Anyway, Nerdophere exploded last night over the news that (as rumoured before) Ford (who shared McGregor's feelings) is poised to get on board the money train.
posted by Mezentian at 1:33 AM on February 16, 2013


Incidentally, Dark Horse's new Star Wars title (which takes place just after the Battle of Yavin) isn't awful. It's apparently making Leia more kick-arse. I've only read the first issue (there are 2-3?) but she is inexplicable an awesome X-wing pilot on par with Luke.

I guess her father was a pretty good pilot. Yipeee.
posted by Mezentian at 1:35 AM on February 16, 2013


« Older "Better known as the “Jane Roe” in the landmark Su...  |  Anne Helen Petersen, the voice... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments