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Extremely Trivial Police Reports
January 27, 2013 7:45 PM   Subscribe

BOTH PARTIES ADVISED TO GET A GOAT
posted by the young rope-rider (74 comments total) 37 users marked this as a favorite

 
"some kind of problem"
posted by elizardbits at 7:49 PM on January 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


"Some kind of problem."

Can't stop laughing.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:49 PM on January 27, 2013


Goddammit.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:49 PM on January 27, 2013


There’s enough material out there for an entire blog dedicated to Formal Duty Portraits of Dogs.

Where is this Tumblr/Blog then?
Where?
posted by Mezentian at 7:51 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


"the pills are a gravy supplement"

what
posted by elizardbits at 7:52 PM on January 27, 2013 [11 favorites]


Okay, "all parties advised to get along" wins the internets.
posted by elizardbits at 7:53 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Is it actually possible to steal a snowman?
posted by Mezentian at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Best Of The Yellow Springs Police Report (PDF laid out for printing as a booklet)
posted by eustacescrubb at 7:58 PM on January 27, 2013


I can't stop laughing at the one about the couple having sex in a field while children watched from the school's windows. Now that's sex ed.
posted by mannequito at 8:00 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


You can totally tell some of these come from Massachusetts, even before the one that refers to Eastie.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:02 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wait, was the resident digging for worms the guy who called 911, or some other random person?
posted by dirigibleman at 8:03 PM on January 27, 2013


This would be great material for the venerable Police Log Comics
posted by saturday_morning at 8:05 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


LOUD DISTURBANCE

UPSET OVER PATRIOTS LOSS

UPSET OVER PATS LOSING
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:08 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


The Bozeman Daily Chronicle has a book of these. Their police blotter is sometimes the best part of the paper.
posted by amanda at 8:09 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Some kind of problem."

This is also the description field in 90% of the tickets I work on in the NOC. Usually followed by "Resolved following reboot"
posted by empath at 8:10 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


HOME OWNER WORKING ON HIS MAN CAVE

Heyooo!
posted by dirigibleman at 8:11 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


My first newspaper job involved sitting up midnight to 8 and listening to the scanner and taking reports like this over the proto-internet. This brings it alllll back.

I'd forgotten about DOPs.
posted by Miko at 8:18 PM on January 27, 2013


Checked my archive for some trivial cases. The following is the dispatcher reporting the call to the responding officer.

Dispatcher: "Caller says they had a man over for dinner, he drank all their vodka and is now passed out by the dumpsters."

Dispatcher: "Caller is being evasive, will only say that they took mushrooms, and are now having some issues."

Dispatcher: "Caller says a group of teenagers is messing around with a trailer parked at [location]. He says they have changed the placards to indicate that there are explosives on board."

I could read wacky police reports all day and never cease to be entertained.
posted by kiltedtaco at 8:20 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


You can totally tell some of these come from Massachusetts

Marblehead is an absolute gold mine of these; it's half the reason I read the regional paper.

My favorite being the one from some woman who called the police because her leftover Halloween candy had been stolen and her teenage daughter swore it wasn't her, so obviously somebody broke in and took it and nothing else.

Also, multiple instances just in the last year of police being called because somebody suspicious in a pickup waved and drove off (FedEx contractor), or was dressed funny and hanging around (waiting at the bus stop), or was walking back and forth suspiciously (looking for dropped phone).
posted by Dr.Enormous at 8:21 PM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


Police went to trotting park rd at 1:19 PM for a report of a mannequin that might be offensive to a Brazilian person. Police said they saw a striking dummy which could be used for boxing or karate, but did not notice anything on the dummy that would be considered offensive.

-private collection, D. Wino 2012
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:24 PM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


I came here to mention Bozeman's police reports too! Here's a bunch in blog form.

One of my friends is INCREDIBLY proud to be featured in the book.
posted by Grandysaur at 8:28 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Must also mention: The Madison Police Blotter, which elevates trivial police reports to epic proportions.
posted by ShutterBun at 8:37 PM on January 27, 2013


Victoria, BC also has a pretty entertaining blog.
posted by mannequito at 8:42 PM on January 27, 2013


from the VicPD blog:

JAMES BAY - FUNGUS FUMBLER FESSES UP
posted by mannequito at 8:45 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would like to take the time here to plug a book by MeFi's Own LeLiLo: Bar Harbor Police Beat: True Stories from the Police Files of Mount Desert Island, Maine. Basically, LeLiLo goes through ten years of the police beat section of the local Mount Desert Isle newspaper and picks out the best bits. Since it's a tourist town, there are a ton of awesome entries. It's one of my favorite bathroom books ever.
posted by not_on_display at 8:46 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, what the hell is a gravy supplement? I've been eating unsupplemented gravy my whole life. Am I gonna get gravy rickets now?
posted by and so but then, we at 8:49 PM on January 27, 2013 [9 favorites]


I once had to be party to *making* an extremely trivial police report when our very-recently-former landlords wouldn't let my then-husband in to the house in order to retrieve some bikes from the basement after we had moved. Some bored officer had to stand in the door and tell them to let my husband take his bikes, which he did.

A few months later we divorced and as fate would have it, the never used bikes remained in the basement of our next apartment.
posted by sonika at 8:51 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Bozeman Daily Chronicle has a book of these. Their police blotter is sometimes ALWAYS the best part of the paper."

FTFY!

My first newspaper job involved sitting up midnight to 8 and listening to the scanner and taking reports like this over the proto-internet. This brings it alllll back.

I appeared last year on the police scanner when I had a minor family medical emergency and OH MY GOD, half of everyone I know apparently sits around listening to the police scanner. "Hey, I totally heard you on the police scanner! Glad it turned out okay!"

When I worked on a newspaper, being transported to the hospital for a "sprained ankle" was police blotter code for "alcohol poisoning" so we always included all the sprained ankles in the paper.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:52 PM on January 27, 2013 [7 favorites]


Checked a few addresses on a hunch, all of the incidents with report numbers that are then DESCRIBED IN ALL CAPS are indeed, as the references to the Pats and Dunkin Donuts would suggest, from the Greater Boston Area.

I'm so proud.
posted by sonika at 9:01 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


It appears to have gone dark, but this twitter account based on the Portsmouth, NH reports has provided many fond memories.

9/21 9:55 Took a report on the theft of a wallet on State St. Caller then realized his wallet was not stolen and that his wife may have it.
posted by 23 at 9:02 PM on January 27, 2013


Even worse, googling for "gravy supplement" gets you to this fine product which "prevents gravy-induced death."
posted by and so but then, we at 9:08 PM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


A few years back there was a pretty popular website for some small-town police blotter; it was filled with amusingly-retold entries, some even in poem or haiku form. But I lost track of it and can't recall the name for the life of me.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:12 PM on January 27, 2013


I appeared last year on the police scanner when I had a minor family medical emergency and OH MY GOD, half of everyone I know apparently sits around listening to the police scanner. "Hey, I totally heard you on the police scanner! Glad it turned out okay!"

If there's a heaven, my grandfather will spend eternity sitting in his chair watching M*A*S*H and listening to the police scanner.
posted by dirigibleman at 9:14 PM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Goat Reunited with Owner in West Seattle
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:21 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


9/21 9:55 Took a report on the theft of a wallet on State St. Caller then realized his wallet was not stolen and that his wife may have it.

So glad I didn't call the cops the time I lost my wallet and cell phone after a night out, only to find them late that afternoon in a doritos bag in the cupboard.
posted by mannequito at 9:22 PM on January 27, 2013 [13 favorites]


SOMETIME BETWEEN 7AM and 4PM SOME UNKNOWN PERSON CLIMBED IN THROUGH A 1' X 1' WINDOW AND TOOK A BAG OF COINS
And then, finally, Mystery Hunt 2013 was finished. Congratulations to [The Entire Text of Atlas Shrugged]!

OK, like, five of you will get that, but I promise it is topical and at least a little bit funny.
posted by maryr at 9:29 PM on January 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


Type: FLIMFLAM
posted by dismas at 9:29 PM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


Still my favorite.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:30 PM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Oh man, a women in my neighborhood has been looking for her lost martens for several months. She has new posters up all the time. Apparently they have diabetes, so she is pretty frantic. I think the reward is up to $2,000 now.
posted by Brocktoon at 9:33 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Can't beat the Piedmont, CA police blotter for this. E.g. from the current edition:
Domino theory — A St. James Drive resident reported at 5:16 p.m. that his Frisbee had fallen into a storm drain. When he went to recover it, the protective grate fell into the drain. And then ... no, the Frisbee player did not fall in. A police officer placed traffic cones around the open drain and notified the city's Public works Department.
posted by oluckyman at 9:45 PM on January 27, 2013


Mother of all Trivial Police Reports
posted by shockingbluamp at 10:03 PM on January 27, 2013


Greg_Ace, I am wondering if you are thinking of one that used to be in the northern California area, around Eureka? This one is probably the one I'm thinking of. It was eventually sold as a book.
posted by annsunny at 10:06 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh man, a women in my neighborhood has been looking for her lost martens for several months. She has new posters up all the time. Apparently they have diabetes

I read this and went 'what the fuck, how do Doc Martens have diabetes?'

and then I got it and felt very stupid.
posted by zennish at 10:20 PM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Even worse, googling for "gravy supplement" gets you to this fine product which "prevents gravy-induced death."

Um, okay, so that website is actually pretty awesome.
posted by NoraReed at 10:27 PM on January 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


Rich people's problems aren't like our problems. From the Atherton, CA police blotter:
A resident worried that a noisy hawk in a tree was in distress. When authorities arrived, the hawk was quiet and enjoying dinner.
More at the link.
posted by Space Coyote at 10:33 PM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


annsunny, I believe that was it. Thanks!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:44 PM on January 27, 2013


When I visit my parents in small town New England, I enjoy scanning the police blotter in the local rag for the most amusing report of the week. It almost always involves livestock, a raccoon, or teenagers doing something dumb but non-fatal.
posted by Orinda at 10:47 PM on January 27, 2013


"the pills are a gravy supplement"

what


You might think you'd enjoy drinking a quart of gravy every day. I sure did, at least back in college when I had all the time in the world. Now that I have a busy adult lifestyle, I don't have a moment to spare after all the time and effort it takes to maintain a serious cocaine habit and still keep my sodium levels sky-high. Some mornings I cram my mouth full of flour and bacon grease before my feet hit the floor. I know this is a familiar story to all you working couples with kids.

But lately I've been so busy I don't even have time to make gravy in my own mouth. So, on the advice of my doctor, I'm taking gravy supplements.

You don't want your gravy levels to get too low.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:07 PM on January 27, 2013 [13 favorites]


Holy shit, that Arcata Eye blog is hilarious.

1:52 p.m. A car left unlocked at the foot of 12th Street for three days with $540 worth of stuff inside, well, that just isn’t a sustainable situation.
posted by ShutterBun at 11:09 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


ALL PARTIES ADVISED TO GET ALONG
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:16 PM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


MAN FOUND PIG WANDERING THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND NOW HAS IT IN HIS BACKYARD
ACO NOTIFIED







Maybe someone stole his meter.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:18 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


It almost always involves livestock, a raccoon, or teenagers doing something dumb but non-fatal.


I am kind of astonished at how many police calls are raccoon related.



Like raccoons recognize your fuckin' authority or something.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:27 PM on January 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


For awhile when I lived in a very small city, I had the police scanner hooked up to audio software that would record continuously minus the dead air, and every now and then I'd go through the dispatches, log them, and post them to my website. I took a look at the files and here's a few random ones:
* 3/20/07 7 pm - 82 yo lady says neighbor is drilling underneath her home and taking her property.
* 3/22/07 12 pm - Juveniles cursing behind building at Landmark School, using foul language
* 3/22/07 4 pm - Machete lying in middle of roadway, 200 Spring St, turned out to be a Tyco baseball bat
* 4/2/07 2 am - McDonalds drive thru window left open - PD could not contact keyholder
* 4/2/07 7 am - Subjects attempted to steal lawn tractor by lifting up over fence - all accounted for nothing missing - at Tractor Supply
* 6/22/07 7 pm - Large black snake in yard
* 6/24/07 4 pm - Aggressive tan chihuahua sighted by officer at building south of chemical plant - has been seen the past couple of days

I didn't think to save all the bizarre or funny ones, but that's probably because all the other dispatches were too depressing.
posted by crapmatic at 11:28 PM on January 27, 2013


Oh god I love these weird police reports. My favourite is @fromthecruiser, who tweets the strangest reports from King's County in Nova Scotia (previously recommended here).
Someone banged on a door in Berwick and left cookies on the doorstep. The recipient called police to report suspicious cookies.

Two men were reported with knives in Waterville but they actually had trowels and they were looking for worms to go fishing.

A driver reported that snow on the road had caused a mechanical problem with his vehicle. He was informed that was not a police issue.

posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:28 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


OK, seriously, yes, that Arcata Eye blog is hilarious.

4:59 p.m. A man later described as wearing a white and maroon flannel shirt called 911 two times from an Alliance Road mini-mart, only to hang up both times. He then went inside the store and asked an employee, "Do you know Dan the pain?" and also requested a ride to McKinleyville, then left.

9:18 a.m. You can’t shoplift from an I Street store, or any other for that matter, then go back later and pay for the stuff when you feel like it, then expect the workers to embrace your leisurely approach to retail. Banned.

2:07 p.m. A pantsless man in a Valley West field was urged to retrouser.
posted by davidjmcgee at 11:30 PM on January 27, 2013 [9 favorites]


Next time I'm having an anxiety attack I'm going to read these to remind myself that everything is probably fine.
posted by windykites at 3:49 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: urged to retrouser
posted by likeso at 4:53 AM on January 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


I think the officer who wrote this report must be a frustrated former creative writing minor.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:05 AM on January 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


My grandmother used to work at the Shelby County Hospital in Memphis, mostly in the ED, which sees lots of gun- and knife-related carnage; police interest and involvement was often minimal. When she came to visit us in my small hometown, she'd read the police log out loud, things like "Umbrella stolen from car on Talbot Street" and "Case of Pearl Beer missing from Lake Drive garage. Brother-in-law suspected" and laugh like a hyena. She told us that remembering the Daily Press police log while she was at work helped keep her sane, so we got her a subscription.
posted by dogrose at 6:02 AM on January 28, 2013


Cops in the Village of Northport, NY, also have their share. My favorite at the moment is "Woman called to report a man apparently sleeping in a car on Main Street. Officer dispatched. Man was sleeping in his vehicle."
posted by etaoin at 6:04 AM on January 28, 2013


The police report just keeps on giving. This morning on my local Patch:
At 7:04 p.m., a man entered the police station to discuss an issue he was having with Walmart. The man said he purchased a video game system and found that the box only contained cables when he returned home. When he tried to return it, an employee told him the bar-code showed the product was purchased at Best Buy.

At 10:03 a.m., police responded to a complaint regarding a man who was "scratching his body" near a bakery on Highland Avenue.
posted by Miko at 6:07 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter needs a FLIMFLAM flag.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:08 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]



Wait, was the resident digging for worms the guy who called 911, or some other random person?

I don't even understand the worm one. Since when is it against the law to dig for worms in your own garage in the middle of the night?! I tell ya we are living in a fascist state. First they came for the 3 a.m. worm diggers and then they came for the 4 a.m. pantsless weasel owners and I said nothing. Insomniacs of the world UNITE!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:29 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I still hold to our local paper's police blotter headline of "COMPLAINANT THREATENS TO EAT INTRUSIVE CHICKEN" as some kind of brilliance.
posted by anthom at 6:34 AM on January 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


I like this one as an alternative universe version of that Andy Griffith monologue about football. Instead of just being an awe-struck hayseed, he takes action to stop the violence and madness.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:44 AM on January 28, 2013


I'd expect more and more of this type of humorous diversion to fill the pages of those few local papers that remain after the great newspaper die-off. Eventually local newspapers will just be broadsheets filled with Mitch Hedberg routines.
posted by IvoShandor at 7:15 AM on January 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


When I taught at Bowling Green it was always a treat to learn from the BG News blotter which of my students had been arrested for public urination. Even though that was twenty years ago, I still find myself reading the blotter every few months. This week's blotter included this gem:
Complainant reported that while looking at an adult website, a window popped up on his computer stating that he was looking at child pornography and that he would have to pay $300 for the window to disappear. The complainant wanted a police report stating that he was not looking at child pornography.
posted by plastic_animals at 7:33 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


From the link in the top post:

"Police dispatched the raccoon."
posted by BigJen at 7:48 AM on January 28, 2013


Also relevant: Rochester, NH.
posted by that's candlepin at 9:43 AM on January 28, 2013


Officers searched the area and found only relaxed ducks.
posted by arto at 9:44 AM on January 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Buffalo NY has a good blotter too. To wit:
• A woman was caught attempting to steal several items, including a metallic Santa-style bra worth $10.99, from Kmart on Orchard Park Road.

Santa-style bra?
posted by gorbichov at 10:19 AM on January 28, 2013


Congratulations to [The Entire Text of Atlas Shrugged]!

yayyy
posted by kellybird at 10:22 AM on January 28, 2013


I once called the PD to report a suspicious man wandering the streets in my neighborhood, sporting a weird backpack and traversing back and forth across the road. Since we had a string of break-ins I thought it was best to call it in.

5 minutes later, a patrol car cruised by and caught up to the man. After a short conversation, the officer left and the man continued walking.

It was at that point I noticed the man's bright orange safety vest, and the Board of Water Supply truck parked nearby. I would not be surprised to find this event on the trivial blotter.
posted by CancerMan at 10:44 AM on January 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think the officer who wrote this report must be a frustrated former creative writing minor.

That's Joel DeSpain, from Madison. He's not a cop, but a former reporter. See also.
posted by dhartung at 1:01 PM on January 28, 2013


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