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I'm calling dibs on the top bunk
January 31, 2013 4:26 PM   Subscribe

A 6* chalet in the ski resort of Oberlech, Austria, has recently opened. The cost to rent it for a week? £231,088 - around $370,000.

"Chalet N" has space for 24 people (no discounts for empty beds). It has 10 suites (including a master suite of 1,900 square feet), a wine cellar, bullet-proof windows, guests initials monogrammed onto pillow cases, and a ski room complete with an elevator to the piste. 26 staff are on duty, with the award-winning Marent brothers running the kitchen, and two butlers, Wolfgang and Markus on permanent service. The chalet also contains a library, but does not provide a librarian.

The coffee is Nespresso© coffee (included), but the cost of the end-of-week clean is extra.

If you can't afford to stay but want a closer look, then the other options are to get a job working there, or use maps: Google shows the previous building, while Bing shows the site under construction,
posted by Wordshore (93 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Is it bad that I thought "24 people of the upper crust, for a week, full service? 370,000 sounds ...reasonable" ?
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


Why are all the fotos computer generated? Has somebody pulled a prank on the Telegraph?
posted by Jehan at 4:31 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


Nicest chalet in Skyrim from the photos.
posted by GuyZero at 4:33 PM on January 31, 2013 [7 favorites]


I'm with you, The Whelk. I'd never spend fifteen grand for a week's vacation, but in the universe of outrageously-expensive things the super rich do, this seems pretty . . . I'm not sure "reasonable" is the word, but yeah. Tamara Ecclestone apparently ran up a $48,693 bar tab this Tuesday night between herself and a couple of friends. So $15k for a week in a super-swanky full-service villa seems relatively tame.
posted by The World Famous at 4:34 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


How do you give something six stars? What does that even mean? You can't just do anything you want. This isn't 'nam. There are rules!
posted by motorcycles are jets at 4:35 PM on January 31, 2013 [34 favorites]


This is like renting out an entire hotel, almost.
posted by empath at 4:36 PM on January 31, 2013


A butler named Wolfgang makes it seem almost worthwhile.

Exposure to the lives of the super-rich grips me with a supremely uncomfortable mix of swooning desire and burning resentment. Things like this are like a personal test of my emotional maturity, and I still fail the test most of the time.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:37 PM on January 31, 2013 [20 favorites]


For some reason I like to think about high end hotels in terms of what it would cost to stay there indefinitely. This one works out to $800,000 per person per year if you stayed there year-round at maximum occupancy. Certainly very expensive, but as The Whelk says, actually kind of reasonable sounding, particularly given the staff:guest ratio.

Compare that to $1.2 million per person per year for the Hotel President Wilson Geneva's Royal Penthouse Suite (assuming its 12 rooms can accommodate 24 people). And for all that the team of servants only has one chef and one butler (plus others but those positions are single-staffed).
posted by jedicus at 4:37 PM on January 31, 2013


I cannot imagine many (non-wilderness) environments in which I would feel less comfortable. Clearly I'm a few decimal places short of their target market, but being surrounded by this level of opulence would just freak me right the hell out.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 4:38 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


Nicest chalet in Skyrim from the photos


Okay that I'd shell out the big bucks for
posted by The Whelk at 4:39 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


20 people for a week would be $2,600/day which is only about twice as much as a ridiculously fancy resort costs.
posted by shothotbot at 4:39 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why does "Oberlech" sound a bit like "Oh, blecch!" Is this a vintage Mad parody?
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:39 PM on January 31, 2013


For people charging in the hundreds of thousands a week, their translation is a little questionable from a stylistic viewpoint. Clunky text. Their Web design kind of sucks, too - slow response and the text box on the front page is about 20 pixels too big on Chrome, leading to a meaningless scroll bar that shouldn't be there at all.

My point is - if you're charging money by the bucketload, shouldn't all your advertising be 100% perfect? It's like McMansions that save ten thousand bucks by not having windows on one side of the house. Cheesy.
posted by Michael Roberts at 4:40 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't get it. A week's worth of hookers and blow would surely cost less. Or am I supposed to fly my hookers and blow here?
posted by 2bucksplus at 4:40 PM on January 31, 2013


No librarian? Like the guy in the $5,000 suit is going to find his own book? Come on!
posted by orme at 4:40 PM on January 31, 2013 [23 favorites]


Ok, so mefi meetup then, yes?
posted by elizardbits at 4:47 PM on January 31, 2013 [17 favorites]


As long no one expects me to do any skiing

Or interferes with the experiments.
posted by The Whelk at 4:48 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ok, so mefi meetup then, yes?

OK, but it's gonna be $370,000, same as in town.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 4:49 PM on January 31, 2013


Darn, I don't see them on Priceline. I bet Shatner could get them down to £145,000 or so.
posted by Blue Meanie at 4:49 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


I am going to declare my apartment a 7-star retreat center and charge $750,000/week to rent it out. The Superbowl and Mardi Gras are coming up down here, so that might even work.
posted by Scientist at 4:50 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


put it on the whelk's tab
posted by elizardbits at 4:51 PM on January 31, 2013


How much extra for blood to flow out of the elevators?
posted by perhapses at 4:51 PM on January 31, 2013 [13 favorites]


We would also have to bring models to represent all the world's major countries and have them bring home a virus that would disrupt food production enough in thier nation to make them defendant in imports from our virus resistant crops.
posted by The Whelk at 4:52 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


So the Miss Universe pageant on ice, basically.
posted by elizardbits at 4:52 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


i am so down
posted by elizardbits at 4:53 PM on January 31, 2013


Can my children ride around on the servants like little ponies? Will serfs be made available to me for the occasional off-hours beating with my gold-tipped cane? While I am there, can I log the forest or mine the property for minerals? Or simply for fun?
posted by mosk at 4:53 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Cigarette holders and lap cats are required.
posted by The Whelk at 4:54 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Don't be ridiculous, the gold is on the HANDLE of the beatings cane. One mustn't let ones hands touch less costly things, you know.
posted by elizardbits at 4:55 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Dear god it would be like using silver for the caviar spoon, tarnish dear. Tarnish.
posted by The Whelk at 4:56 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


Touché
posted by mosk at 4:56 PM on January 31, 2013


That's why we carve them from the bones of the proletariat.
posted by elizardbits at 4:56 PM on January 31, 2013 [6 favorites]


After having just come back from a ski trip where I slept in a bunk bed for a week I want this so bad. So bad.
posted by gagglezoomer at 4:58 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


"The entry price is high, but once through the door you will want for nothing. The chalet and the service are as good as it gets!”

Mark Gibbins, Director


Mark Gibbins' imagination falls well short of my own, I can tell you that right now.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:59 PM on January 31, 2013 [23 favorites]


That's why we carve them from the bones of the proletariat

Far too brittle from malnutrition I'm afraid, unsuspecting bachelor cousins with poor response times and a few drops of chloroform does the trick nicely.

You wouldn't want a spoon without a pedigree, of course.
posted by The Whelk at 5:00 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


when are we going to start our podcast in which we are awesome and make fun of things though
posted by elizardbits at 5:03 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


My point is - if you're charging money by the bucketload, shouldn't all your advertising be 100% perfect?

My thoughts exactly - there is a glaring grammar error on that first page.
posted by caryatid at 5:03 PM on January 31, 2013


(when I finish this first draft and spend the rest of the year ripped on whippets)
posted by The Whelk at 5:04 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Just spotted a design flaw; there's no stable for Rafalca.
posted by Wordshore at 5:07 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is how you really spend money on your holiday.
posted by adamvasco at 5:08 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yachts just lead to slandering Charlie Chaplin, falling off of them in mid-pee, or starting a cult.
posted by The Whelk at 5:09 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's hard for me to imagine this place not having a shelf or cabinet full of 25-year-old board games and jigsaw puzzles, each with several pieces missing.
posted by aubilenon at 5:20 PM on January 31, 2013 [14 favorites]


For 370K/week, they can afford to fix the kerning between the A and the L in their logo.
posted by mochapickle at 5:22 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Except one of the old board games is Lord Byron's and it leads to a feverish night of role playing, laudanum and horror story writing
posted by The Whelk at 5:23 PM on January 31, 2013 [4 favorites]


...with the award-winning Marent brothers running the kitchen...

Google translate informs that the German for "Flavor Town" is "Geschmack Stadt".
posted by Wordshore at 5:34 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's hard for me to imagine this place not having a shelf or cabinet full of 25-year-old board games and jigsaw puzzles, each with several pieces missing.

Simply ring the butler bell. Wolfgang will weather and age your puzzle boxes by hand, using a mink-lined mallet and his own custom-made palomino leather riding crop. He sees to the misplacement of several pieces personally, depositing them in such exclusive locales as the fists of Chinese terracotta warriors and George Soros' third martini at Davos.

Monopoly houses will be embedded in Kobe beef meatballs, stewed in a San Marzano tomato sauce a grand-mere, and fed to prize-winning Weimaraners. The iron token will be shipped to Atlantic City by courier and actually used to press sheets at a Trump hotel. (For a small gratuity, Donald Trump will tweet about this new service.)

The army tokens in the chateau Risk game can be swapped for actual members of a standing army, geopolitical status permitting (again for a small gratuity).

Please enjoy your stay!
posted by gompa at 5:36 PM on January 31, 2013 [17 favorites]


Everyone keeps bringing up the per-person number... The thing is, one has to find 23 or so other people that a) can afford the vacation as well, and b) aren't insufferable, and spend the week with them.

good luck.
posted by el io at 5:38 PM on January 31, 2013


I see your 6* Chalet and raise you a back country yurt in the Tetons. Starting price $475 a night for up to 8 people.
posted by humanfont at 5:40 PM on January 31, 2013


How do you give something six stars? What does that even mean? You can't just do anything you want. This isn't 'nam. There are rules!

At a Thai restaurant in Seattle, the waiter asked my friend how many stars (of spiciness) he wanted in his pad thai. Friend asked what the maximum was. Waiter replied, oddly, that once they had done 27 stars. My friend took the answer in stride and asked for 24 stars. It ended up being pretty spicy. Never found out how those stars were measured and counted.
posted by msbrauer at 5:48 PM on January 31, 2013 [5 favorites]


Never found out how those stars were measured and counted.

I'm sure it's not any kind of formula - the kitchen's just reading what the waiter wrote and winging it. 24 stars just means "really dang spicy". The difference between that and 23 stars is probably a lot less than the variation depending on who's working in the kitchen that particular day.
posted by aubilenon at 5:58 PM on January 31, 2013


Except one of the old board games is Lord Byron's and it leads to a feverish night of role playing, laudanum and horror story writing.

You say this like it's a BAD thing.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 6:45 PM on January 31, 2013


That's kind of stretching the definition of what I think of as a chalet.

Or maybe it's just stretching the chalet.
posted by carter at 6:46 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


Except one of the old board games is Lord Byron's and it leads to a feverish night of role playing, laudanum and horror story writing.

You say this like it's a BAD thing.


It depends on the game. Lord Byron's Chutes and Ladders? Sure, that would be great. Lord Byron's The Settlers of Catan? Nightmare.
posted by The World Famous at 6:58 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Okay, so assuming one can get 24 people together, it works out to around 2200/person/day. It would be easy to plan a way more expensive vacation than that. I just spent about fifteen percent of that for three of us to spend four days at effing Disney World, and that's like, driving 8 hours each way, eating at places like Denny's, and staying in an off-property hotel.
posted by Daily Alice at 7:01 PM on January 31, 2013


I don't get it. A week's worth of hookers and blow would surely cost less. Or am I supposed to fly my hookers and blow here?

You're supposed to have them on staff. As well as a 'pharmacist'. They accompany you on the Learjet so you don't get bored.

Plebs, man. They just don't get it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:02 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


At a Thai restaurant in Seattle, the waiter asked my friend how many stars (of spiciness) he wanted in his pad thai. Friend asked what the maximum was. Waiter replied, oddly, that once they had done 27 stars. My friend took the answer in stride and asked for 24 stars. It ended up being pretty spicy. Never found out how those stars were measured and counted.

Holy shit, I had this same experience at a Thai restaurant (not in Seattle) a couple years ago. The menu showed 1-3 peppers, so I asked for my noodles "spicy, three peppers." The waitress then suggested that there were additional levels of peppers that I could unlock. I asked how many peppers I could get, as I like my food pretty spicy. She flipped her order pad over and started scribbling on the cardboard backing, finally deciding that I could have up to 20 peppers.

I asked for 20, she countered with 15 "but we can bring chili sauce if you need it."

It was pretty goddamn spicy, but pleasantly so.

I bet they'll give you 20 peppers at this chalet if you ask for them.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:07 PM on January 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is where you might send the help.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:11 PM on January 31, 2013


Avalanche down economics?
posted by justkevin at 7:15 PM on January 31, 2013


When you get mind-bendingly rich, are most of your thoughts along the lines of, "FUUUUCK, HOW DO I SPEND ALL THIS MONEY??"

This is the only reasonable explanation I can come up with for something like this.
posted by indubitable at 7:15 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


They call themselves six star, but I saw napkin rings! Napkin rings! Are they trying to cut costs on the laundry?
Blerch.
posted by Catch at 7:17 PM on January 31, 2013


I bet they'll give you 20 peppers at this chalet if you ask for them.

They'll give you a pants-down spanking if you ask for it.

It's part of the service.
posted by Pudhoho at 7:20 PM on January 31, 2013


Are you taking a piste??
posted by Corduroy at 7:31 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


They'll give you a pants-down spanking if you ask for it.

For that much money, I don't want to have to ask for it. They should just know.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:32 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


Holy hell, I can't imagine what kind of prices they hit you with at the mini-bar.
posted by Xoebe at 7:33 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


For $370,000, I want Maria von Trapp to sing me to sleep.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:40 PM on January 31, 2013


Are you taking a piste??

The rich are always off piste.
posted by ellF at 7:41 PM on January 31, 2013


Here's some more reasonable rentals in the area
posted by ejoey at 8:14 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


I could've sworn that I caught a documentary about a cruise ship where a berth for a three-month trip cost more than $300,000 but I can't find any mention of it on teh Googlez.
posted by XMLicious at 8:50 PM on January 31, 2013


Garcon! More weed, and more baked beans! Andale!! Oh, and since you're heading that way, how about some more chocolate milks for the ladies -
posted by facetious at 9:30 PM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Those bunk beds are pretty spiffy.
posted by deborah at 10:21 PM on January 31, 2013


What? Blofeld cancelled at the last minute?
posted by mazola at 10:28 PM on January 31, 2013


I dunno, that name sounds kind of ominous.

Who knows what horrors await inside......CHALET N!??

Chalet N....for NURDER!
posted by gamera at 10:52 PM on January 31, 2013 [7 favorites]


MetaFilter, I'm disappointed in you. Seventy-one comments and not one about the Nespresso offered as "coffee". For six stars, I demand at least an AeroPress.
posted by knile at 12:58 AM on February 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


Aeropress?! Fuck that. There had better be a coffee plantation out the back. And an orphanage. To supply the children to crank the compressor to drive the manually heated water through the artisanal ground coffee, to produce the world's most expensive macchiato. And the beans must have first been consumed by a rare breed of weasel first.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:19 AM on February 1, 2013


6 stars. It's inflationary! I thought it was bad when I stayed at a place claiming to be "5 star deluxe". With all those fucking stars, they were incapable of bringing fresh brewed coffee to my room at 5am (I had to be up for photography). "Roomservice" meant they could bring specific things from their special menu, all inappropriate for breakfast. (Yes, there was Nespresso. I prefer Aeropress myself, and made them bring me a kettle for that purpose, since I did have my Aeropress, thanks to Metafilter).

This place looks amazingly similar to that place, like maybe they copied it a bit (the one where I stayed was by the Matterhorn, in Zermatt, Switzerland). But I tell you what: Those prices are not realistic for Austria. Switzerland, maybe. Or, maybe that 6th star makes a difference I don't comprehend. I've only stayed at a couple 5-star places, and usually dislike the invasive levels of "service".
posted by Goofyy at 2:26 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I agree about the coffee; Nespresso isn't espresso but an espresso substitute. And you'd think that £231,088 would cover a proper espresso machine, a supply of fresh single-origin coffee beans and Wolfgang having attended a barista training course in New Zealand and learned how to make a proper flat white.
posted by acb at 3:29 AM on February 1, 2013


"Yes, my good man, I’ll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans ... raw."
posted by kcds at 4:06 AM on February 1, 2013


Remembering the myth/legend of Daniel Boone moving cabin when the smoke of a neighbor’s chimney could be seen, one of the things that baffles about this particular cabin is (especially from the Bing map) the proximity to other houses, lodgings and places where people stay. The basic decadence and luxury of being rich - from transport, to work environment, to your home - is surely to buy yourself more options and control about which other people you have to come into contact with, to endure, to unwillingly listen to, to unwillingly have move around in your environment?

This particular cabin/chalet, from the maps, shows dwellings on all four sides. Close by as well, so even if you can't see other people - and they can't see you - you'll still hear them, their activity, driving and so forth, if you're on a balcony, in the outdoor hot tub. This seems ... strange. If you're going to rent a place to stay in for 1.5 million dollars a month, surely your own seclusion, valley, in the middle of a wood, on a clifftop with gardens, whatever would be a basic criteria? I thought this total control, and never having to worry about health care costs ever again, was the major point of being obscenely rich?

L'enfer, c'est les autres.
posted by Wordshore at 4:09 AM on February 1, 2013


Oh, and one example of invasive service: If I have to threaten a bellhop to unhand my bag, he's invasive. Really happened, in Portugal.
posted by Goofyy at 4:13 AM on February 1, 2013


L'enfer, c'est les autres.

Hell is in Hello.
posted by Wolof at 4:28 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Confusion: why is the website not in Russian?
posted by MuffinMan at 4:30 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


How do you give something six stars?

I know, right? Why don't they just make five stars a little better and make five be the top number and make that a little fancier?
posted by Mayor West at 5:13 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


There is something inexorably middle class about those little Nespresso capsules. I think its something about they way they promote the idea of your coffee having been 'untouched by human hand', the coffee equivalent of a TV dinner.
posted by Lanark at 5:18 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Seriously why do none of the photos look real?

The entire website looks fake.
posted by mary8nne at 5:24 AM on February 1, 2013


How do you give something six stars?

Don't forget, the Burj al-Arab has seven
posted by shothotbot at 5:31 AM on February 1, 2013


This is not extraordinary.

2 grand a night/per person? hell there that's less than a suite at most aman resorts.
posted by JPD at 5:35 AM on February 1, 2013


This one goes to eleven.
posted by Wolof at 5:53 AM on February 1, 2013


On the plus side I hear they're hiring workers for the dungeon.
posted by nowhere man at 5:55 AM on February 1, 2013


For people charging in the hundreds of thousands a week, their translation is a little questionable from a stylistic viewpoint. Clunky text. Their Web design kind of sucks, too - slow response and the text box on the front page is about 20 pixels too big on Chrome, leading to a meaningless scroll bar that shouldn't be there at all.

Think about it. The people who can afford to rent this place aren't using computers. They have people with computers who visit websites for them. Or in some cases they have people who have people. Underlings don't merit responsive web design.
posted by tommasz at 6:09 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I see your 6* Chalet and raise you a back country yurt in the Tetons. Starting price $475 a night for up to 8 people.

A-hem. Mongolians find the term yurt offensive and prefer to call them "gers".

But for an additional $150 surcharge, the servants will refer to your accommodation as a yurt anyhow.
posted by aught at 6:23 AM on February 1, 2013


From one of the picture captions in the slideshow (the 2nd link, to the Telegraph UK)


"...its bullet-proof windows, titanium cutlery and rainforest showers surrounded by hand-strung Swarovski crystal curtains..."

This made me roar with rude pleb laughter. (Much nicer than furious resentment!)
posted by Jody Tresidder at 6:51 AM on February 1, 2013


"...its bullet-proof windows, titanium cutlery and rainforest showers surrounded by hand-strung Swarovski crystal curtains..."

This made me roar with rude pleb laughter. (Much nicer than furious resentment!)


Quite. Not entirely sure what a 'rainforest shower' is, but it seems a bit odd to go to Austria to experience (whatever) it (is).
posted by Wordshore at 7:14 AM on February 1, 2013


I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desart. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.


The secret about the poem takes place quite a few lines before the signature one that Alan Moore obsessed over. 'The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:' refers to the sculptor, who knew his or her work would remain as art many thousands of years later but the King's hubris would not. And so the takeaway here, at least for me, is the architect and the construction, the science and the engineering behind building a luxury resort with all its according luxuries of electricity, gas, and sewage in the middle of a bunch of snow-covered mountains. The people who own it and who live there are just walking meat. The cabin is the beautiful thing.
posted by dubusadus at 7:24 AM on February 1, 2013


This is not that lush. In fact they've fallen - potentially into the valley of death - not luxurious enough for the super rich/royalty circuit and too expensive for investment banker types. If you are a middle eastern royal, 24 is not enough for the 2-3 wives, brothers, sister, mother, cousins you may be traveling with. But price? For that group? reasonable, even cheap. Any way anyone with the money to pay for this will never see the website as a member of staff will review, probably visit, then book.
posted by zia at 3:58 PM on February 1, 2013


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