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YOU COMPLETE ME
February 1, 2013 8:36 AM   Subscribe

There are days when you wake up and think that there is no wonder left in this world, no mountains left to conquer, no oceans left to explore, no frontiers left to discover. That, of course, is exactly the day you find yourself in an apartment in Logan Square surrounded by 2,700 VHS copies of "Jerry Maguire."
posted by Chrysostom (90 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite

 
You complete me.
posted by boo_radley at 8:40 AM on February 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


Show me the movie!
posted by xedrik at 8:42 AM on February 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Or don't!
posted by mazola at 8:42 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is from the same people who brought you Doggie Woggiez! Poochie Woochiez!, the feature-length remake of Jodorowsky's Holy Mountain that only uses pre-existing footage of dogs in costumes.
posted by theodolite at 8:44 AM on February 1, 2013 [12 favorites]


This sounds like the definition of hell.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:48 AM on February 1, 2013


The guy on the left looks like Crazy Alternate Universe Raffi.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:51 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


I believe Jean-Paul Sartre said "Hell is other people. People with VHS copies of Jerry Maguire".
posted by mazola at 8:51 AM on February 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


There is an "Official Jerry Drop-Off Box" at the Odd Obsession video store in Bucktown...

This is the most puzzling thing for me. How are there still independent video stores (or, really video stores at all)? Just about every single one I ever patronized has been long shuttered.
posted by griphus at 8:55 AM on February 1, 2013


This is brilliant on every level, including all those incomprehensible and scary levels we don't talk about in polite conversation.
posted by naju at 8:56 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


/looks for a match
posted by goethean at 8:56 AM on February 1, 2013


The Everything is Terrible YouTube channel is pure 80's gold. Or cheese. Like, a ripe gorgonzola of 80's VHS. I don't know what metaphor I'm using here. Whatever. Meet the Archangel.
posted by sixohsix at 8:57 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Damn. I can almost taste the irony through the sprawl of computer wires.
posted by prozak at 8:59 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Everything is Terrible YouTube channel is pure 80's gold.

OH! This is the same crew that did Infomercial Hell!

So, hey, previously.
posted by griphus at 9:00 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


YOU! LOOK AT ME! RESPOND!
posted by brundlefly at 9:02 AM on February 1, 2013 [6 favorites]


Wait, that's the wrong Infomercial Hell. Everything Is Terrible did this one.
posted by griphus at 9:02 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: just because
posted by angrycat at 9:03 AM on February 1, 2013


Everything Is Terrible is great. They were the funny goof-ball alternative to the maudlin and too-serious Post-Secret and Found part of the blogs back when I was in college.
posted by Snowden at 9:05 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Worst episode of Hoarders ever.
posted by Skwirl at 9:11 AM on February 1, 2013


I love people.
posted by marginaliana at 9:15 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


You can get more info and an up-to-date Jerry count at their Maguire Watch page. They just toured with their Christmas special and a lot of people bring Jerrys to their shows, so I don't know if that count reflects the tour Jerrys. I have about 40 I've picked up from the local Goodwill that I'm going to send in eventually.

This post is well-timed, they just posted this video yesterday.
posted by edeezy at 9:22 AM on February 1, 2013


I wonder if they hear "Gosh, you must sure like Jerry Maguire." an awful lot.
posted by .kobayashi. at 9:23 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I may be the only person in America who neither owns Jerry Maguire on VHS or has even seen Jerry Maguire.

(The Everything is Terrible Christmas special was fucking spectacular though.)
posted by vespabelle at 9:23 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I may be the only person in America who neither owns Jerry Maguire on VHS or has even seen Jerry Maguire.

Nope. There are at least two of us!
posted by ocherdraco at 9:27 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Three.
posted by griphus at 9:27 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


This will be a great find for alien archeologists, thousands of years from now.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:27 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I knew a man who collected Ishtars. He never got to this level, but comparative to the number produced he was probably doing OK
posted by devon at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2013


This is the most puzzling thing for me. How are there still independent video stores (or, really video stores at all)? Just about every single one I ever patronized has been long shuttered.

There are three within a few blocks of my old place (as I have mentioned before, there is nothing but suburb anywhere near my new place). I still rent stuff at them now and then when I am in town: in my view, they have survived by offering things that the now-shuttered Blockbuster and Rogers in the area did not. When I wanted a copy of a Noam Chomsky documentary for which a friend of mine was interviewed on camera, I found it at one of the indies. When I wanted the Criterion version of 49th Parallel, I found it at one of the indies. If I wanted to see what a rack of seventy Pirates of the Caribbean movies looked like, I could have found that at Blockbuster.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:32 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is the most puzzling thing for me. How are there still independent video stores (or, really video stores at all)? Just about every single one I ever patronized has been long shuttered.

Odd Obsession will outlive everything. It is the single greatest tiny-ass video rental store in the universe. They have shit I can't find on Karagarga.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:36 AM on February 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a GIGANTIC WALL OF JERRY MAGUIRE ON VHS OH MY GOD
posted by anthom at 9:38 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Keith Schofield-directed music video touching on the obsessive accumulation of a mass-produced, terrible thing.

My favorite EIT cut turns the Hugga Bunch live-action TV movie into three minutes of sheer terror.
posted by damehex at 9:40 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Four.
posted by Doleful Creature at 9:41 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Five, dammit! Damn you all!
(collapses on the floor, screaming lines from the wrong films)
posted by aramaic at 9:45 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


They have shit I can't find on Karagarga.

They should have this on a sign in their window if they do not already.
posted by griphus at 9:45 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


*stands up*

I'M the person who hasn't seen Jerry Maguire! I'M the person who hasn't seen Jerry Maguire! I'M the person who hasn't seen Jerry Maguire! I'M the person who hasn't seen Jerry Maguire! ...
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:47 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


"But they're not doing this to make fun of the film," I backpedaled: The origins of the Jerry Project were more practical. EIT are thrift-store trawlers of videotapes. When the group began, they were constantly running into VHS copies of "Jerry Maguire." They were also running into a lot of "Four Weddings and a Funeral," but "Jerry Maguire" far outstripped it.

Makes sense to me. When I used to spend a lot of my time thrifting for vinyl, I would fantasize about buying every Barbra Streisand and Mantovani and Firestone Christmas record in the city, just to remove them from the shelves and give me 25% less dreck to sift through.
posted by hydrophonic at 9:48 AM on February 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


I miss Chicago sometimes.
posted by kmz at 9:48 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I also haven't seen Titanic.
posted by griphus at 9:49 AM on February 1, 2013


#7 here, which is slightly awkward as Jonathan Lipnicki is my landlord and every month when he comes to get the check, he lingers, obviously wanting to be invited in. Sometimes he even brings a six pack (in addition to the one he has under his shirt, assuming he wears a shirt, which he usually doesn't) and a bag of microwave popcorn. I always beg off as being too busy, but then I catch him peering through my window or mailslot so I have to be all "Hey now, Stuart Little" which makes him happy enough to leave me alone for another month.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:50 AM on February 1, 2013 [13 favorites]


Makes me wonder what their ratio of VHS-copies-of-Jerry-Maguire-to-working-VCRs is.
posted by mrbill at 9:53 AM on February 1, 2013


Everyone on MetaFilter who has ever wondered, out loud or internally, "Just what is a hipster, anyway?"

This. Right here. These people are hipsters.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:54 AM on February 1, 2013 [6 favorites]


Eight.

In fact, I don't own any film, in any format, and never have. I don't understand people who rewatch movies. You already know how it ends! I don't re-read books either. Well, very rarely. And I only replay games to see content I missed the first time through.

There's a whole world of stuff you'll never have time to see! Why waste that time on stuff you've already seen?

Yes, I have turned my short attention span into an aesthetic principle. Middle-brow dilettantes of the world unite!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:54 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I used to have a Jerry VHS dubbed in Italian. Rene Zellweger is great talking Italian.
posted by colie at 9:57 AM on February 1, 2013


Hipsters.
posted by blue t-shirt at 9:58 AM on February 1, 2013


BitterOldPunk: "You already know how it ends! I don't re-read books either. Well, very rarely. And I only replay games to see content I missed the first time through."

I watch a lot of movies. My love of movies is a delicate and fragile thing. In order to watch so many movies I must watch some amount of total crap. I revisit the good ones in order to keep that love for cinema burning. It is the only thing that saves me from hatred.
posted by idiopath at 9:58 AM on February 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


I don't understand people who rewatch movies.

So have you only seen, say, Airplane the one time?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:01 AM on February 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Yes, actually.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:02 AM on February 1, 2013


Do you only listen to songs once, too?
posted by shakespeherian at 10:03 AM on February 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


Makes me wonder what their ratio of VHS-copies-of-Jerry-Maguire-to-working-VCRs is.

I'm sure Marko would help them out.
posted by edeezy at 10:04 AM on February 1, 2013


I saw their stage show at the Coolidge Corner theater in Boston (well, Brookline really) this past December. It was completely amazing and the thing they showed - their new Christmas compilation - was a thing of absolute beauty.

I didn't know about the Jerry Maguire thing so I was a little confused when they yelled out that people should now bring their Jerries, and even more confused when they were, in fact, brought out (I worked in the electronics section of a K-Mart when it came out on video so I will pretty much never forget what the VHS box looked like) and then had it explained to me.

I love that they don't even particularly have a reason why they're doing it. I get the sense that the pop-up store is a post hoc notion, even though it's one of the funniest things I've heard recently. My hope is that they get to do it, sell all 8,000 tapes, wait a couple years, and then start the whole thing all over again.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:05 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love that they don't even particularly have a reason why they're doing it.

Oh, there's a reason. You just don't have the clearance to know what it is. Most people don't even have the clearance to know that there is one. So I'm going to have to ask all of you to line up against that wall over there while we check your documents.
posted by Etrigan at 10:07 AM on February 1, 2013


This made me so happy to read in all its Dada-esque cray cray. Please go to the maguire link at everythingisterrible.com. The photo alone is a work of art!
posted by honey badger at 10:08 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


In fact, I don't own any film, in any format, and never have. I don't understand people who rewatch movies.

Its a little known fact but they do let you buy DVDs of films you haven't seen. Other than that there are many reasons to rewatch films. You are unlikely to take everything from a film the first time you see it. Repeated viewing of good films yields new insights into the intentions of the artists and what the are trying to say. Further, since you grow and develop through your life a film you watch when you are younger may have somethig different to say to you following more life experience or when you have more experience with a wider body of art or other knowledge. Do you not buy any kind of art on the same basis?
posted by biffa at 10:10 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Nope. There are at least two of us!

I'm collecting everyone who hasn't seen Jerry Maguire. I already have 179 in my basement!
posted by zippy at 10:10 AM on February 1, 2013 [9 favorites]


It's like why I only listen to music once! I've heard all these notes already, idiot. Make some new ones.
posted by boo_radley at 10:10 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


You had me at "4,667 copies."
posted by NorthernLite at 10:10 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Do you only listen to songs once, too?

Do you not buy any kind of art on the same basis?

Of course not!

That would be silly.

(OK, look, I'll amend my original comment: I have never purchased a copy of a movie with the intent of rewatching it. I have certainly seen PARTS of films multiple times, because I have friends who own televisions and media playback devices. Caddyshack comes to mind. I'm not holding up my habits as a positive example to be emulated. In fact it's a character flaw. Don't be like me, kids. Sorry for the derail.)
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:12 AM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


it's ok. Like bro-dad used to say, you can never smoke the same butt twice.
posted by boo_radley at 10:19 AM on February 1, 2013


Best viewed at a distance. And not a metaphorical distance.
posted by tommasz at 10:20 AM on February 1, 2013


A few years ago I found 60+ copies of the record sleeve to Kim "Tootie from the Facts of Life" Field's 1984 7" single "I Love You Michael" at a thrift store in my old home town in B.C. No records mind you, just the sleeves. The really strange part was that, after some debate, I decided not to shell out the 10 cents each to buy them.
posted by glenmullaly at 10:32 AM on February 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


If they ever decide to sell them off, I would pay, oh, say, $2, for the pleasure of unspooling a VHS tape of Jerry Maguire.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:34 AM on February 1, 2013


In fact it's a character flaw. Don't be like me, kids.

Fuck that noise. You don't want to watch a movie again (99.∞% of the time, I don't), then don't give it a second thought. I believe I own 5 or 6 DVDs and I've watched zero of them within recent memory and my life is no less rich for it.
posted by psoas at 10:35 AM on February 1, 2013


Nine! Are we at that number? I double-checked. I'll give the caveat that this may be in part because of my age, but there are also movies that I should consider defining films of my generation that I also haven't seen (Hello, American Pie. Yes, my generation is a sad one.).
posted by Polyhymnia at 10:50 AM on February 1, 2013


If we get up to eight thousand people who haven't seen Jerry Maguire I will open a pop-up shop and sell them.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:57 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


A stack of those Jerrys are from me.


OK...



So I have followed Everything is Terrible for a while, and was insatiably curious when they announced that they were touring with DoggieWoggiez PoochieWoochiez. I was thrilled when they announced they were bringing their show to the Riverview, one of my favorite local theaters. Before the show, I picked up a five-pack of Jerrys because reasons. I also made a terrible decision regarding the consumption of substances in which I do not usually partake.

I did not realize that at Jerry-time, I would actually be called up on a stage in front of hundreds of people for a whole ceremony; something that normally would not bother me but I was ... altered.

I have referenced this in a comment previously:

I have had the experience of being way too goddamn high around a person in a dog suit. Looking into the mouth and seeing the person in the dog ... that, my friend, is the abyss staring back.

What I did not mention is that I had a stack of Jerry Maguire VHS tapes in my hand. I had this overwhelming urge to feed the dog Jerrys. I desperately wanted to stick the tapes in the dog's mouth, and seeing the face in the costume only made it worse.


In conclusion SAVE THE JERRYS and JUST SAY NO.


P.S. - I have never seen Jerry Maguire. Tom Cruise bothers me.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:19 AM on February 1, 2013 [8 favorites]


Seeing Tom Cruise groveling in front of a naked Cuba Gooding, Jr. is almost worth seeing Tom Cruise.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:27 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Do they also have a room wallpapered with copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 11:39 AM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


"But it's Rife who has the post office box where most Jerrys are mailed. It's Rife who trudges down to Roberto Clemente Post Office in Logan Square each week and schleps home..."

This is more amazing to me than owning 2,700 Jerry Maguires. The fact that she endures the hellhole that is the Logan Square post office shows me that she really is dedicated to this project.
posted by Bunglegirl at 12:07 PM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I hear there's a much more audacious project being mounted for the next Biennale. A group of artists - Dutch, I believe - have bought a zoo and they're filling the zoo with people who went to We Bought A Zoo on opening night and then those people are going to talk to each other about what in the holy hell possessed them to pay to see We Bought A Zoo on opening night.

Working title is We Bought We Bought A Zoo.
posted by gompa at 12:10 PM on February 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


This is more amazing to me than owning 2,700 Jerry Maguires. The fact that she endures the hellhole that is the Logan Square post office shows me that she really is dedicated to this project.

The PO boxes are in that separate building next door. Though I kind of wish she went to the counter every time and wearily requested the latest crop of Jerries Maguire from increasingly bewildered staff.
posted by theodolite at 12:26 PM on February 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Seeing Tom Cruise groveling in front of a naked Cuba Gooding, Jr. is almost worth seeing Tom Cruise.

ALMOST.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:32 PM on February 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


I've never seen it either.
posted by doreur at 12:39 PM on February 1, 2013


Hoarding as an art form.


(I've never seen it either).
posted by inertia at 12:43 PM on February 1, 2013


Twelve (if that's the correct count.)
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 1:20 PM on February 1, 2013


Thirteen.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:28 PM on February 1, 2013


A proud fourteen.
posted by blucevalo at 1:36 PM on February 1, 2013


Unknown Armies post-modern ritual. Afraid of the outcome. Holy Mountain dog remake part of it, should have been an FPP.
Videomancers.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 1:38 PM on February 1, 2013


If we get up to eight thousand people who haven't seen Jerry Maguire I will open a pop-up shop and sell them.

Help me help you with this project.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:38 PM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


If we get up to eight thousand people who haven't seen Jerry Maguire I will open a pop-up shop and sell them.

The movie or the people?
posted by zippy at 1:51 PM on February 1, 2013


I've not seen it either. Fifteen. (And I like spelling out number words, yay!)
posted by JHarris at 2:16 PM on February 1, 2013


(Also, I'm pleased to see EIT back on the Blue again. JESUS WEPT.)
posted by JHarris at 2:20 PM on February 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would never have seen it, but I didn't know what it was and my high school girlfriend made me go. Then I found out operation condor was playing in the same theatre at the same time. I'm still kinda pissed about that.
posted by lkc at 2:34 PM on February 1, 2013


It's the hipster remake of the legendary Atari ET Landfill.
posted by colie at 2:51 PM on February 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


A swim team friend of mine was named Jenny Maguire and would stomp around at the least provocation shouting "I am JENNY Ma-FUCKING-guire!" It was surprisingly adorable. Unlike, say, the movie.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:06 PM on February 1, 2013


Sixteen
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 3:49 PM on February 1, 2013


Well, I've seen it multiple times, so that negates several of you non-Jerrites. (Despite the fact that, like Field of Dreams, there is something about the structure, 'tude and dialogue that annoys the bejesus.) In fact, I first saw it in a theater on Super Bowl Sunday. [Irony¡]
posted by NorthernLite at 8:37 PM on February 1, 2013


Pruitt-Igoe: "Do they also have a room wallpapered with copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights"

No, but there used to be a record store on Clark St. that did.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:25 PM on February 1, 2013


FAMOUS MONSTER, does that mean that you are one of the EIT guys, and if so, may I just express how awesome I think you are?
posted by JHarris at 1:12 AM on February 2, 2013


Least convincing love story ever.
posted by GrammarMoses at 6:38 AM on February 2, 2013


Come to think of it, I hardly ever come across copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights in thrift stores. People probably buy it for the cover. (Although I do get a kick out of Herb Alpert & the Tiajuana Brass, mainly because I have fond memories of watching Chris Smith's student films, which he scored with music he thrifted.)
posted by hydrophonic at 8:44 AM on February 2, 2013


Seventeen.
posted by she's not there at 2:07 PM on February 2, 2013


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