Zombie-free since 1867
February 13, 2013 6:46 PM   Subscribe

Canada will never be a safe haven for zombies.

Canada's Minister of Foreign Affairs assured Canadians today that “Canada will never be a safe haven for zombies.”

The comment wasn't a metaphor, nor was it completely out of the blue. Baird was responding to a question from opposition MP Pat Martin who asked if Canada is working with the U.S. to ensure that its citizens don’t suffer from a case of the zombie apocalypse.
posted by asnider (45 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
To paraphrase Seanan McGuire wrt the National Zombie Defense plans that come out from time to time... they're basically fig leafs for the question " well do we have a plan for firing on a few thousand unarmed people? How about clearing 300 people out from in front of the White House?"
posted by The Whelk at 6:56 PM on February 13, 2013 [8 favorites]


You know what Canada has that America has lost: a sense of humor.
posted by SPrintF at 6:57 PM on February 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


That whooshing sound you just heard was zombies jumping the shark.
posted by dunkadunc at 6:57 PM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


If Canada has a plan for clearing 300 people out from in front of the White House, I'd be very surprised.
posted by Kevin Street at 6:59 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


If Canada has a plan for clearing 300 people out from in front of the White House, I'd be very surprised.

What, they didn't have a plan last time?
posted by muddgirl at 7:03 PM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know what Canada has that America has lost: a sense of humor.
posted by SPrintF at 9:57 PM on February 13


What?
posted by four panels at 7:10 PM on February 13, 2013


Dude - there world of difference when a satire site pokes fun at politicians and politicians poke fun at themselves.
posted by helmutdog at 7:12 PM on February 13, 2013


You know what Canada has that America has lost: a sense of humor.

Excusez-moi? We have a sense of humour.
posted by orange swan at 7:14 PM on February 13, 2013 [60 favorites]


Basically, the 'zombie apocalypse' meme is an excuse for people to fantasize about mass murder. I'm a bit concerned about drills where the military is training to gun down massive numbers of what are effectively unarmed civilians.
posted by empath at 7:21 PM on February 13, 2013 [5 favorites]


In Dawn of the Dead, they should have holed up in the mall until winter and then cut down the zombies when they froze in place with axes and saws from the hardware store. I think similar tactics were discussed in World War Z in the Northern climes.
posted by Renoroc at 7:24 PM on February 13, 2013


The best bit is the caption under the photo identifying which is which.
posted by modernnomad at 7:26 PM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well what I find interesting is that it's so broad, like you can use " zombie Apocalyse" to get people thinking about actual disaster prep by turning it into a mental game and not an actual, real, stress response provoking situation. you can do this without invoking any mass murder bits, just get people thinking " well what if I couldn't leave my house for a few days, what would I do?"

I mean that's always been the interesting part for me, like how could I hole up here in this apartment and thanks to the weather I've gotten two chances for dry runs in six months.

Also you can use the zombie metaphor to teach about containment and quarantine which more people need to know the basics of.

Not to say these reports about national zombie prep aren't basically cover for "how do we shoot a lot of unarmed people?" but the whole thing is broad enough to support many things.

I try to focus on the positive, if it leads to some more gallons of water per person in the house, all the better.
posted by The Whelk at 7:28 PM on February 13, 2013 [11 favorites]


"No one knows what the zombies will do in our scenario, but quite frankly no one knows what a terrorist will do," Barker said. "If a law enforcement officer sees a zombie and says, `Freeze, get your hands in the air!' What's the zombie going to do? He's going to moan at you. If someone on PCP or some other psychotic drug is told that, the truth is he's not going to react to you."

The keynote speaker beforehand will be a retired top spook – former CIA Director Michael Hayden.

posted by empath at 7:28 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Like the British, Canada sees its neighbor as a bunch of crazed yahoos who need to be humored. Can't say they're 100% wrong. Watched the CBC's Fifth Estate on USA's serious gun disease last week and they interviewed this nutball:

"You're not going to take our guns away, Canadian."

Can't say I blame the Canadian government for this kind of tongue-in-cheek response to American inanity (whether it's this disease or prepping for a zombie outbreak).
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:32 PM on February 13, 2013


Canadian Kung-Fu.
posted by four panels at 7:34 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Can I just say that oh never mind.
posted by jquinby at 7:36 PM on February 13, 2013


Canada is really fucking cold, so they'd only have to deal with the zombies maybe two out of four seasons. One of those seasons being hockey season. Not sure what that means.
posted by Brocktoon at 7:40 PM on February 13, 2013


Excusez-moi? We have a sense of humour.

Mods, do you think we could change the flag to "fantastic comment(aire) fantastique"?
posted by Lemurrhea at 7:46 PM on February 13, 2013 [5 favorites]


Everyone out. Shut it down.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:59 PM on February 13, 2013


Canada will never be a safe haven for zombies.

What about the Senate?
posted by benzenedream at 8:05 PM on February 13, 2013 [13 favorites]


Wouldn't zombies, since they shamble everywhere they go, not saddle the taxpayer with six-figure travel bills?
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 8:11 PM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Zombies want brains, right? I should think the House of Commons would be the safest place in the country.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 8:18 PM on February 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is actually a real problem. Whenever the US has a national security freak-out we kind of have to go along with it for the sake of maintaining good relations. You want us to carry liquids onto planes only in tiny bottles? Not sure what good that would do, but whatever, fine. Asking for assurances that we're on your side in a zombie war? Um, alright, I suppose it costs us nothing to say yes.

It's not a big deal, but sometime playing along with the latest American security fetish is irksome.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 8:24 PM on February 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


"What about the Senate?"

They're an assemblage of embalmed horrors. (IE: mummies.) Slightly different thing.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:24 PM on February 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


How would you even be able to tell if people were zombies in the winter?
posted by srboisvert at 8:26 PM on February 13, 2013


Okay, Westminster parliamentary system, I still love you.
posted by dry white toast at 8:32 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


One of those seasons being hockey season. Not sure what that means.

ZOMBIE!!!
ZOMBIE!!!

(Zombie is made into ex-zombie)

GAME ON!!
GAME ON!!
posted by eriko at 8:33 PM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Breathtakingly hip and with it. Anxiously awaiting his Gangnam Style video.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:16 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I know for a fact that, back in 2003 there was a significant Zombie presence in Toronto! In fact, I not only observed an onslaught of zombies, I was fully engaged as a zombie extra.

Dawn of the Dead remake. yeah, i had a ball!
posted by HuronBob at 9:33 PM on February 13, 2013


If Canada wishes to discourage zombie immigration they should ban poutine, which is clearly intended to resemble well-cooked brains. Note that pork brains contain an amount of cholesterol suspiciously close to that of poutine.
posted by XMLicious at 9:45 PM on February 13, 2013


I don't believe a word out of Baird's mouth so now I'm scared shitless.
posted by mazola at 10:02 PM on February 13, 2013 [5 favorites]


BRAAAAAINS BRAAAAAAAINS
CERVEAAUUUUX CERVEAAUUUUUUX
posted by gingerest at 10:06 PM on February 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


What about the Senate?

Actually, when I first saw the headline on the CBC news ticker earlier this evening, I thought it was somehow related to the recent Senate scandals. But, nope, it's legitimately about zombies (well, mostly).
posted by asnider at 10:31 PM on February 13, 2013


As long as no one messes with Ogopogo and Sasquatch I'm cool with this. But if they do, BC totally secedes.
posted by chapps at 10:35 PM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know I used to think that whole "zombie stuff is just an excuse to fantasize about mass murder" was a bit overstating it but the I found out that Cabela's sells zombie ammo and I felt kind of sad and foolish
posted by Doleful Creature at 11:27 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]




That whooshing sound you just heard was zombies jumping the shark.


God I hope you're right.
posted by devious truculent and unreliable at 3:19 AM on February 14, 2013


On pourrait faire une sorte de compromis:
Ouvre nous la porte,
Qu'on puisse vous choper pour vous bouffer le cerveau

posted by Lemurrhea at 4:38 AM on February 14, 2013


Canadian students practicing the new zombie apocalypse lock-down procedure.
posted by Kabanos at 6:56 AM on February 14, 2013


Canadian students practicing the new zombie apocalypse lock-down procedure.

They're also learning about werewolves (loup garou).
posted by asnider at 7:01 AM on February 14, 2013


"I found out that Cabela's sells zombie ammo "

Isn't all ammo above .22LR zombie ammo?
posted by Mitheral at 6:07 PM on February 14, 2013


Yeah Mitheral but this is explicitly marketed as zombie killin' ammo which is a nice way to say "this ammo is really good fer turning people's heads into canoes" without actually saying that and getting in trouble for marketing to a sentiment of unmitigated human brutality.
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:31 PM on February 14, 2013


Also the ammo boxes look like toys which is another level of problematic. Seriously, google 'zombie ammo' you'll see what I mean.
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:33 PM on February 14, 2013


http://m.hornady.com/ammunition/zombiemax
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:44 PM on February 14, 2013


Quebec has cancelled plans for zombie themed training exercise. New plan: theme flood.
posted by chapps at 9:39 PM on February 14, 2013


Good to know there are plans to keep the power grid safe against zombie hordes.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 7:24 AM on February 22, 2013


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