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February 19, 2013 3:48 PM   Subscribe

Guy Fieri's American Kitchen (maybe not Metafilter's own, but definitely Metatalk's favorite) has a new menu. It is only marginally more ridiculous than the old one.
posted by dizziest (85 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
....sigh.

Missed it by seconds.
posted by kavasa at 3:49 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I posted it in the most recent Fieri thread first. Not that anyone's counting.
posted by gingerest at 3:55 PM on February 19, 2013


"ranch hose"
posted by DU at 3:55 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cockin' it, Livin' it, Lovin' it.
posted by GuyZero at 3:57 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]




server unavailable...yum!
posted by spicynuts at 3:58 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


I was only sort of skimming this, and didn't realize it was a joke until I got to the salad, and thought, "wow, that's a good price for 22lbs of kalamata olives! ...wait a second."
posted by phunniemee at 3:58 PM on February 19, 2013 [14 favorites]


See also, the random menu generator PASSPORT TO FLAVORTOWN
posted by The Whelk at 3:59 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


This thing's all over my Twitter feed, and of course it's a more or less obvious joke, but the execution is truly beautiful. "Served with a side of Bud Light you have to wring out of a Hawaiian shirt" -- that's gold, Jerry. Gold.
posted by gompa at 4:00 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


I am proud to live in a world where the sentence "The bidet is an mp3 player that plays Smash Mouth while you eat" exists.
posted by mannequito at 4:03 PM on February 19, 2013 [19 favorites]


I was in a restaurant the other week that was apparently featured on this Fieri's TV show. Or so I gathered from the signed poster on the wall. I didn't know what to make of it, given that my only exposure to Fieri is via Metafilter.
posted by hoyland at 4:04 PM on February 19, 2013


People have always tried to ascribe meaning to piles of shit.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:05 PM on February 19, 2013


Yes, but they haven't always put it on a plate and tried to convince people to eat it.

PROGRESS!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:09 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


My breakfast taco joint was on Fieri's show. They still make the best breakfast tacos in town.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:09 PM on February 19, 2013


Any indication at all whose work this is? It's hilarious.
posted by mr_roboto at 4:18 PM on February 19, 2013


"Server unavailable"

And we waited nearly 15 minutes.

"Diner unavailable"
posted by Cosine at 4:20 PM on February 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


Any indication at all whose work this is?

The "Tweet" link suggests it's this guy.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:22 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


My breakfast taco joint was on Fieri's show. They still make the best breakfast tacos in town.

See, it's not the food Fieri celebrates, which almost always looks fantastic and is admirably prepared in beloved local institutions that have come by their popularity honestly. I actually watch the show because it's so interesting to see those people work in those kitchens.

It's those idiotic goddamn sunglasses hanging backward off that frosted dome of frat spikes, creating an impression that people who like good, honest, simple cooking must also think well of foaming cackling self-aggrandizing idiots like Fieri.
posted by gompa at 4:24 PM on February 19, 2013 [15 favorites]


I would order a dish called Prufrocktoberfest. But the menu doesn't indicate if you're forced to eat it with a coffee spoon.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 4:24 PM on February 19, 2013 [19 favorites]


Do I dare to eat a habanero-peach salsa?
posted by uncleozzy at 4:27 PM on February 19, 2013 [9 favorites]


Reminds me of Patton Oswalt's Black Angus Steak bit - "gauntlet of angry food", "bacon and cream cheese soup".

(Warning: Patton Owsalt)
posted by benito.strauss at 4:33 PM on February 19, 2013 [7 favorites]


Let us go then, you and I
posted by Area Man at 4:33 PM on February 19, 2013 [10 favorites]


I really want to try that dessert, "Cheesecake Rubbed On A Pig's Tongue."
posted by uosuaq at 4:34 PM on February 19, 2013 [7 favorites]


Sorry, that should be, "Let us go then, you and I to Flavortown!"
posted by Area Man at 4:39 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Weirdly, this is the second insane parody menu I've seen today.

Fuds: a journey in food-taste from mouth to toilet.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:39 PM on February 19, 2013 [13 favorites]


Achewood did it better
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 4:40 PM on February 19, 2013 [13 favorites]


KALIMAAAAA!!!!
posted by iamabot at 4:40 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, the Prufrock reference is what tipped me off that this wasn't real. No way Fieri would know that reference.
posted by yiftach at 4:40 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Fuds menu is funny.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 4:41 PM on February 19, 2013


It's those idiotic goddamn sunglasses hanging backward off that frosted dome of frat spikes, creating an impression that people who like good, honest, simple cooking must also think well of foaming cackling self-aggrandizing idiots like Fieri.

I think poorly of foaming cackling self-aggrandizing idiots like Fieri just as all right-minded persons do, but if not for that foaming cackling idiot, there'd probably be no cable tv show celebrating the good, honest, simple cooking we all think so much of.

So either he's not the ghoul he appears to be all the way down to the greasy bone, or the system is stacked such that we actually need greasy ghouls to sell us back our honest souls.
posted by notyou at 4:42 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


The language ("endangered," "lambasted," "super-saddened," etc.) reminds me a bit of Posh Nosh, only as performed in a Middle American frat house.
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:42 PM on February 19, 2013 [10 favorites]


Guy Fieri is proof that good food transcends frosted dome frat spikes.

Er, the good food he showcases on DD&D, not whatever crapfest he's serving at his restaurant.
posted by offalark at 4:46 PM on February 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


smoked kitchen leavings

oooo
posted by R. Mutt at 4:48 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Of course, my taco joint has a several-times-lifesize bust of the owner on the roof, so it's possible that Fieri is a natural fit there. Tacos are still the best.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:49 PM on February 19, 2013


FUDS looks pretty inexpensive at least. Is it in Bed-Sty?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:58 PM on February 19, 2013


Hyperbole ad absurdiam looks easy but it ain't, that said "add a Cinnabon and two more cinnabons" did it for me.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:03 PM on February 19, 2013 [7 favorites]


Divine_Wino: “Hyperbole ad absurdiam looks easy but it ain't, that said ‘add a Cinnabon and two more cinnabons’ did it for me.”

That little bit is an homage, I believe, to @a_girl_irl's original Fieri Menu parody, which frankly remains the classic of the genre.
posted by koeselitz at 5:09 PM on February 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


"The bidet is an mp3 player that plays Smash Mouth while you eat"

A bidet that plays Smash Mouth but is otherwise ordinary would be ideal because one could imagine themselves washing away the '90s after each morning constitutional.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:13 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have no idea what to make of "superbanging," so I'll just have to punt to T.S. Eliot.
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:21 PM on February 19, 2013


"man, the proles sure like to eat tacky shit"
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 5:29 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Those don't sound too bad, especially not the Captain Beefheart. There's a place near me that names all the burgers after musicians or songs.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:30 PM on February 19, 2013


Upon reflection, the joke is, as always, on me. I still like the hyperbole.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:32 PM on February 19, 2013


Two words: Captain Beefheart. (My smile is stuck...)
posted by NedKoppel at 5:51 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think poorly of foaming cackling self-aggrandizing idiots like Fieri just as all right-minded persons do, but if not for that foaming cackling idiot, there'd probably be no cable tv show celebrating the good, honest, simple cooking we all think so much of.

No. You are wrong. Fieri was a last-minute addition to the show. The concept itself was solid, but for some reason they felt they needed a grinning idiot as a host. They could have had a regular person. Maybe not a legitimate chef, or even Anthony Bourdain, but someone who has worked in a kitchen and actually knows a thing or two about food, and knows the difference between honest cooking and foul, greasy gimmicks used to disguise the things that fall off the backs of Sysco trucks.

Instead we got this guy. This bleached-tipped bowling shirt with a creepy goatee and apparently no understanding of flavor or decency. He didn't make the show. The show made him. And now burning burning burning O Lord Thou pluckest me out O Lord Thou pluckest

burning
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:04 PM on February 19, 2013 [22 favorites]


Did not realize the deep connection between Fieri and Eliot before today.
posted by mr_roboto at 6:07 PM on February 19, 2013


Credit to one of Guy's dives with inspiring my fried cheese cheeseburger. I have included a copy of this image with my Living Will and Advance Directive for medical reference. Yes, that is bacon on the top.
posted by maggieb at 6:08 PM on February 19, 2013


That little bit is an homage, I believe, to @a_girl_irl's original Fieri Menu parody, which frankly remains the classic of the genre.

Per his twitter, a_girl_irl considers it to be not so much "an homage to" as "blatantly plagiarized from".
posted by strangely stunted trees at 6:10 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


What is "honest food"?
posted by turgid dahlia 2 at 6:13 PM on February 19, 2013


People thought sushi was totally fucking crazy at first too, soon enough Americans will adjust to this seizmic shift in how we understand food. Unlike those other innovators, Heston Blumenthal and Thomas Keller, Fieri does not focus on food. In a sense, the raison d'ĂȘtre of the restaurant had been inverted. This is the wave of the future.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:19 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


What is "honest food"?

Actually made on premises, ideally according to some sort of family recipe or longstanding tradition or well-established regional/ethnic technique, and emphatically not something selected from a Sysco catalogue and reanimated from its flash-frozen form on demand.

To its credit, as I said, Fieri's show actually does celebrate this kind of food. It just does it through the lens of a bleating spokesmuppet for a chain of hypercaloric frat-boy try-it-on-a-dare restaurants in hell.
posted by gompa at 6:19 PM on February 19, 2013 [8 favorites]


Of course, my taco joint has a several-times-lifesize bust of the owner on the roof, so it's possible that Fieri is a natural fit there. Tacos are still the best.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:49 PM on February 19 [+] [!]


I know the taco joint of which you speak (and it was featured on Food Network before Guy Fee-etty was even on The Next Food Network Star), and Porfirio's is and always will be superior. And I say that having moved away 12 years ago and wildly hoping it still exists.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:20 PM on February 19, 2013


What is "honest food"?

Food made by a utterly dishonest raging asshole? ie, methink the lady doth protest too much.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:25 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I once made a sauce using western dressing and siracha. It was not a family recipe or well-established local technique. It was dishonest food. Also, my then girlfriend (now wife) did not like it.
posted by Area Man at 6:29 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


The menu is a beautiful dumptruck of exclamation point-sodden gross food. This is why we internet.
posted by Turkey Glue at 6:31 PM on February 19, 2013


Metafilter: This is why we internet.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:35 PM on February 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


... aaaaaaand it was made by a Something Awful goon. I have never been prouder.
posted by jpolchlopek at 6:43 PM on February 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Do I dare to sauce a donkey?
posted by middleclasstool at 6:47 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


... aaaaaaand it was made by a Something Awful goon. I have never been prouder.

Goons are no stranger to meat-based surrealism and giant disgusting meat products like the meat house and the meat ship.

And Guy cooked the egg that Smash Mouth ate.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:49 PM on February 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


@jpolchlopek

i already kind of implied that with my first post in this thread
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:14 PM on February 19, 2013


Porfirio's is and always will be superior.

I actually don't think I've ever been there - breakfast tacos are not exactly a destination meal for me, and Porfirio's is on the wrong side of the river. So I won't actively dispute your claim, but I remain skeptical. It all comes down to the chorizo in the end.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:17 PM on February 19, 2013


I lost it as I made my way through Panamania.
posted by spbmp at 8:06 PM on February 19, 2013


It all comes down to the chorizo in the end.

I fried so hard / and got so far / but in the end / it wouldn't even batter
posted by threeants at 8:13 PM on February 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


Reminds me of Patton Oswalt's Black Angus Steak bit - "gauntlet of angry food", "bacon and cream cheese soup".

"Bend over, Abigail Mae, cuz here comes the gravy pipe."
posted by anothermug at 8:30 PM on February 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


Reminds me of Patton Oswalt's Black Angus Steak bit - "gauntlet of angry food", "bacon and cream cheese soup".

Now I am stunned that the menus doesn't include FAILURE PILE IN A SADNESS BOWL.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:45 PM on February 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


The "Tweet" link suggests it's this guy.

That guy is just the guy who parked the domain name. It was actually created by someone else (a friend of a friend), a pretty darn brilliant lady named Pauline Vassiliadis, and he posted it to that domain with her permission. She did both the writing and graphic design as a goof, as she's currently unemployed.
posted by amelioration at 8:49 PM on February 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


koeselitz: @a_girl_irl's original Fieri Menu parody

I am not sure if the numerous typos in that menu are intentional or not, nor which would be funnier.
posted by dhens at 9:01 PM on February 19, 2013


the funniest part is that if you attempt to find out who guy fieri is, they suggest they're going to kick you in the nuts
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 10:24 PM on February 19, 2013


This menu has just been rooted out as being plagiarized from other (uncredited) sources. If you have a Something Awful account here's the thread. They banned the user who posted it too.

If you want to follow the people who actually came up with this stuff, check out Amanda Hugankiss (@a_girl_irl), Wild Yeast Sourdough (@DinkMagic), and Primus Homo (@AutisticPet) on Twitter.
posted by gumpstump at 11:39 PM on February 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


At least two of those are goons too, which makes it even dumber.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 12:24 AM on February 20, 2013


@gumpstump wasn't a_girl_irl banned from here
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 12:55 AM on February 20, 2013


should we all start writing like metafilters weird twitter
posted by Flashman at 1:47 AM on February 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


@flashman people yell at you when you do that :(
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 1:50 AM on February 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


> I think poorly of foaming cackling self-aggrandizing idiots like Fieri just as all right-minded persons do, but if not for that foaming cackling idiot, there'd probably be no cable tv show celebrating the good, honest, simple cooking we all think so much of.

There are a dozen or more shows doing exactly what Fieri's does -- touring the countryside, finding small business restaurants to praise -- so you don't have to put up with him if you don't want to. Hell, even Alton Brown hosted a show in this genre a couple years ago, and I can't really think of a food show host less unlike Fieri in terms of likeability and on-screen temperament.

"Man Vs. Food" has more or less the same premise as Fieri's, except instead of Fieri's wall-to-wall fastcut dudebro artificially-flavored smarminess we get a joe bluecollar with a rare appreciation for the finer things from the lower half of life, descriptions and discussions provided with detailed care up until the point where he stunt-eats an unappetising bucket or pile of exactly the same thing he just praised and gets ill on-camera every week.

As far as I'm concerned, Bourdain and Zimmern hold the torch for shows in this genre, but Bourdain's given up his gig and you have to work past Zimmern's being framed as seeking out disgusting and weird food (otherwise you'll miss his sincere and increasingly articulate appreciation for the people and culture around the food). There are plenty more series waiting in the wings; even Adam Richman's hosting a series or two more or less identical to his "Man Vs. Food", only without the self-endangerment.
posted by ardgedee at 5:30 AM on February 20, 2013


She did both the writing and graphic design as a goof, as she's currently unemployed.

And yet Guy Fieri is employed. What a fuckin' world.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:56 AM on February 20, 2013


Indeed, ardgedee, there are lots of similar shows.

Which is most popular?
posted by notyou at 6:57 AM on February 20, 2013


The fantastic Salvadoran joint that I took Miko to has since been Fieried. It's still fantastic.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:01 AM on February 20, 2013


spicynuts: "server unavailable...yum!"

JUST LIKE THE RESTAURANT!!! OMG.
posted by boo_radley at 8:41 AM on February 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


More on the apparent joke stealing.

Sad. I did laugh a lot reading that menu.
posted by latkes at 10:46 AM on February 20, 2013


add a Cinnabon and two more Cinnabons
posted by February28 at 11:10 AM on February 20, 2013


I think it is important for our development as a culture that someone has synthesized and curated all of the Guy Fieri menu-related humor out there.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:35 AM on February 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Two words: Captain Beefheart. (My smile is stuck...)
posted by NedKoppel


My brother is a marine biologist and owns a fish farm and hatchery. He said that the only human food that is good to feed fish is beef heart.
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:20 PM on February 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


It figures that on a Guy Fieri menu parody each joke is a mashup of many other jokes rather than being, I dunno, estate stolen jokes.
posted by jamaro at 1:25 PM on February 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Some backstory.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:34 PM on February 20, 2013


"endangered with shaved lamb" may have to be the name of my next band.
posted by LMGM at 5:00 PM on February 20, 2013


Plagiarised!
posted by Renoroc at 7:03 PM on February 20, 2013


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