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Pope Madness 2013
February 21, 2013 7:20 PM   Subscribe

And now, one of the greatest sporting events of our time: Pope Madness 2013! Place your bets...
posted by Chocolate Pickle (68 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
He missed the chance to call it Papal Madness. Y'know, like Marble Madness, but the ball has a big plus sticking out the top, makes it harder to maneuver.
posted by JHarris at 7:26 PM on February 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ah, but I got my reference wrong; the object question is the Soverign's Orb, and it's an emblem of the British monarchy. Nevermind!
posted by JHarris at 7:28 PM on February 21, 2013


Pontifical Idol.
posted by Nomyte at 7:36 PM on February 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Should have called the divisions Pope and Anti-Pope.

Yes the joke about them touching and destroying European Christendom is in fact the highlight of my semester teaching, why do you ask?
posted by strixus at 7:42 PM on February 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


My money is on the one who abets child-rapists but the payout is lousy.
posted by R. Schlock at 7:48 PM on February 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Those are really badly balanced brackets; why is the guy with 100:1 odds up against the guy with 70:1 odds in the first round while 3:1 is matched up with 7:2? They clearly have no idea how to run a tournament.

That said, "Sweet Sistine" is inspired.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:49 PM on February 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


They should have included Duke like they did here
posted by nightwood at 7:49 PM on February 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


My prediction is Sandri as having the best chance, but the probability of any particular candidate is low, so I don't expect him to win.
posted by Jahaza at 7:53 PM on February 21, 2013


One of the events needs to be the Banquet of Chestnuts
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 7:53 PM on February 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


The odds given are pretty good; the prediction market, intrade has about the same percentages.
posted by vonstadler at 7:55 PM on February 21, 2013


Pontifical Idol.

Yeah, I don't know how they could expect me to fill out a bracket unless I know which ones of them lost their homes to natural disasters or were homeless teens or how they look in skinny jeans and guyliner.
posted by phunniemee at 7:55 PM on February 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Gianfranco Ravasi? I liked him on Friends and all, but I'm pretty sure he's a Scientologist.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:57 PM on February 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


From the sound of the way that the conservatives are on the attack in the Catholic Church, like, seriously on the attack, I expect a young and very, very conservative pope. They'll want a hardliner, and they will want a hardliner for as long as they can possibly get one.
posted by Malor at 7:57 PM on February 21, 2013


Yeah, I don't know how they could expect me to fill out a bracket unless I know which ones of them lost their homes to natural disasters or were homeless teens

My uncle has a Disaster Theory of Miss America in which he always predicts a win for the contestant whose state suffered the greatest tragedy that year. It's surprisingly accurate.

Or at least it was when I watched the Pageant like twenty years ago.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:58 PM on February 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm putting my money on Sean O'Malley. A long shot, but an Irish Capuchin who speaks Spanish? C'mon.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:03 PM on February 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Just remember, Catholic law allows any Catholic male to be considered, I talkin' bout you Mel.
posted by Damienmce at 8:03 PM on February 21, 2013


Just remember, Catholic law allows any Catholic male to be considered, I talkin' bout you Mel.

He's part of a different sect.

Any Catholic male, though? Like Brian Fallon or Craig Finn?
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 8:11 PM on February 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


OR COLBERT?
posted by skrozidile at 8:47 PM on February 21, 2013 [10 favorites]


I hope the next pope will ditch the mitre and wear a full feather headdress.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:02 PM on February 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I hope he places on the popularity of Gothic horror and JRPGs and brings back Latin and awesome elaborate rituals.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 9:26 PM on February 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I like how Africa and North America are a single region in this.
posted by chapps at 10:04 PM on February 21, 2013


Sweet Sistine is great but Ecumenical Eight is just wrong.
posted by salishsea at 11:18 PM on February 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


nightwood: They should have included Duke like they did here
Hey cool! I made that! Very happy to see that again! I gather it must have had decent circulation at the time. (I have no idea whether it's related, but Colbert used the "transubstantialiscious" joke on his show not long afterwards. Kind'uv fun to think it's possible)

Note that in addition to Duke I also included Father Ted Crilly from Craggy Island (a character from the irreverent BBC show Father Ted).

Also, the communion wafer has an image of the Virgin Mary. :)

on edit: I'll be damned... "Popapalooza" shows up on Google images straight up. Who knew!? Very cool. :)
posted by Davenhill at 11:54 PM on February 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why not Zoidberg?
posted by dumbland at 1:11 AM on February 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


I'm calling Peter Turkson. The last pope will be black, his name is Peter, he will change country, and "Peter the Roman" is a perfect ironic nickname for him. Factions within the Catholic Church have always aimed to imminentize the Eschaton, wherever possible; presented with the opportunity to fulfil multiple prophecies, I cannot see them passing it up.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 1:45 AM on February 22, 2013


I remember that JPII died just as the Sin City movie was coming out, and my roommate made us "Roark for Pope" shirts. I'm pretty sure I still have mine.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:22 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Miami realtor Gevevieve G. Rota (AKA Giggerota) would win for sure.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:25 AM on February 22, 2013


Wikipedia lays out papal history like this:

217 popes from Italy
17 from France
13 from Greece
8 from Germany
6 from Syria
3 from Africa
2 from Portugal
2 from Spain
and one each from Galilee (Palestine), England, the Netherlands and Poland

If Rome is serious about bringing this hedonistic, hippie, lapsed catholic home, I suggest a return to the days of my youth when the popes were Italian, the priests were Irish and the Milwaukee Braves ruled the National League.
posted by lometogo at 3:10 AM on February 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


I hope the next pope will ditch the mitre and wear a full feather leather headdress.
posted by ennui.bz at 3:49 AM on February 22, 2013


[Mel's] part of a different sect.

Maaaaaaaaaybe not. His father definitely was a sedevacantist, but it's not clear whether Mel also is. He may instead be a sedeprivationist, which may not be a heresy (the difference - sedevacantists refuse to acknowledge the last five Popes as validly being popes; sedeprivationists accept that they were popes but think that they sucked at it, basically).

By the way, a sedevacantist being offered the Papacy makes for a really interesting intellectual exercise - on the one hand, they may jump at it and say "yes" on the grounds that "finally I can bring the church back to what it's SUPPOSED to be like", on the other they may refuse on the grounds that "fuck you you're an invalid nominating party". Hmm.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:20 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


OR COLBERT?

Our first SubGenius pope? YEE-HAW AND THE 'TWAIN SHALL MEET!
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:00 AM on February 22, 2013


Are there seriously three dudes from Dubuqe, IA that are considered contenders for the papacy?
posted by LiteOpera at 5:01 AM on February 22, 2013


Full list of candidates, according to wikipedia

(I must admit, LiteOpera - your question was the first thing I asked after seeing that jpg!)
posted by channey at 5:16 AM on February 22, 2013


Any Catholic male, though? Like Brian Fallon or Craig Finn?

There are at least two novels using the 'unexpected guy becomes pope' premise. One I found randomly in the Berkeley Public Library, whose card catalog suggests it was The Accidental Pope. It was the sort of book that the author clearly only expected fairly conservative Catholics to read--it was crap and went on these weird political tangents. The other was The Shoes of the Fisherman and was apparently popular when it came out, or at least popular enough that when I was telling my dad about the first book he went "Wait... that totally got written in the 60s."
posted by hoyland at 5:32 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Honduras, placed in the 'S. American Regional', is not in fact in South America.
posted by signal at 5:37 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Damienmce: "Just remember, Catholic law allows any Catholic male to be considered, I talkin' bout you Mel."

Catholic male in good standing with the church. Not sure Mel counts as the latter.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:36 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I heard that Catholicism might be coming back in Europe. So where's Father Ted?
posted by wenestvedt at 6:49 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ah, but I got my reference wrong; the object [in] question is the Soverign's Orb Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, and it's an emblem of the British monarchy comedy.

Fixed that for you.
posted by eriko at 7:13 AM on February 22, 2013


on the other they may refuse on the grounds that "fuck you you're an invalid nominating party". Hmm.

That's exactly their point. Not only is the papacy vacant, but since there hasn't been a valid pontiff for so long, there hasn't been anyone to validly admit members to the Sacred College of Cardinals, thus, there aren't any valid electors.

The only fix in their eyes is a ecumenical council of the church to fill the college, then an election. And, of course, most of them have held their own council, made thier own college, and named their own "pope."
posted by eriko at 7:23 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Are there seriously three dudes from Dubuqe, IA that are considered contenders for the papacy?

I read that as just playing off the March Madness theme, though I read something when I was a kid (can't remember where) that compared playing the lotto with "betting that the next Pope will be from Dubuque," so I like to think it's a reference to that, whatever it was.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:26 AM on February 22, 2013


Dubuque sucks.
posted by chavenet at 7:32 AM on February 22, 2013


Honduras, placed in the 'S. American Regional', is not in fact in South America.

South America is everything south of the Rio Grande.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:43 AM on February 22, 2013


Mexico is still North America, Chocolate Pickle.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 7:47 AM on February 22, 2013


And South America is anything below Panama.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 7:50 AM on February 22, 2013


Please report to a MURICA Camp for de-education, CrazyLemonade.
posted by Panjandrum at 8:11 AM on February 22, 2013


Ah, but I got my reference wrong; the object question is the Soverign's Orb, and it's an emblem of the British monarchy. Nevermind!

Follow that globus cruciger link in your link (yo dawg, I heard you like links in your links), the concept is older than British monarchy itself.

Are there seriously three dudes from Dubuqe, IA that are considered contenders for the papacy?

That's the definition of ecumenical.
posted by ersatz at 8:12 AM on February 22, 2013


Refering back to my joke earlier in the thread: it turns out that the ball-with-a-cross-on-top is a general symbol of holiness, called a globus cruciger, and it symbolizes Christ's dominion over the earth, and it does seem appropriate that the Pope would have one.

It seems like a laughably arbitrary piece of jewelry to construct, but then so are crowns, necklaces and rings when you get down to it. Still though, it's not so much worn as held, which means you can't wear it passively. You can't ignore a globus cruciger. It's just there, in your hand. You could play catch with it, or hurl it at passers-by, but not if you want to keep it in one piece and they seem to all be incredibly expensive. (At least I assume so. Maybe I could get one with thin gold plating and with rhinestones instead of real gems. I could be pope of the trailer park!)
posted by JHarris at 10:07 AM on February 22, 2013


I just looked at the link for the globus cruciger, and was delighted to discover that linked to it, there is a whole Wikipedia page devoted entirely and solely to The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

That is all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:21 AM on February 22, 2013


Honduras, placed in the 'S. American Regional', is not in fact in South America.

I take it you don't follow college basketball.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:45 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


signal: Honduras, placed in the 'S. American Regional', is not in fact in South America.
To explain DevilsAdvocate's comment, the NCAA brackets are nominally comprised of four distinct geographical regions. However, in order to balance the brackets by a school's seed/rank, *many* teams end up being bracketed NCAA regions that do not correspond to their school's actual geographical location.

For example, in the 2012 NCAA brackets Alabama was placed in the "Midwest" division, Notre Dame in the "South", Florida was in the "West", etc. etc.

It would be very weird to have a college bracket where every team was correctly located in their nominal geographical region.
posted by Davenhill at 11:15 AM on February 22, 2013


South America is anything below the Mason-Dixon line.
posted by ennui.bz at 11:47 AM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I hope the next pope will ditch the mitre and wear a full feather headdress.

I'm sure you didn't mean this to be offensive, but you know that you're talking about an actual ceremonial item from an existing (and constantly under threat) religion and people, right? And it's particularly icky since lots of these people were killed by Catholics. So, maybe let's not joke about this. Please?
posted by stoneweaver at 12:24 PM on February 22, 2013


Burhanistan : I hope the next pope will ditch the mitre and wear a full feather headdress.

stoneweaver: I'm sure you didn't mean this to be offensive, but you know that you're talking about an actual ceremonial item from an existing (and constantly under threat) religion and people, right? And it's particularly icky since lots of these people were killed by Catholics. So, maybe let's not joke about this. Please?
Who, Vegas Showgirls?
posted by Davenhill at 12:58 PM on February 22, 2013


No, Muscogee and other Plains Indians.
posted by stoneweaver at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2013


Yes, by all means we shouldn't make jokes about actual ceremonial items which are sacred to the adherents of existing religions.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:41 PM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Stoneweaver: I hear you, but I question why you didn't speak up when people were joking about the Head Of The Actual Catholic Church earlier in the thread. Not joking about religious symbology should be an across-the-board thing, should it not? If so, why pick one thing and ignore the other?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:26 PM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was more thinking of that dude in the Village People, but thanks for playing.
posted by Burhanistan at 4:24 PM on February 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was more thinking of that dude in the Village People

Why?
posted by Sys Rq at 4:51 PM on February 22, 2013


Not joking about religious symbology should be an across-the-board thing, should it not? If so, why pick one thing and ignore the other?

Because the catholic church helped to perpetrate genocide against Native Americans - see the conquistadors, who were largely catholic. Not just here in North America, but throughout the continent. I speak up about Holocaust jokes in the same manner.

I was more thinking of that dude in the Village People, but thanks for playing.

You realize that the village people were taking the headdress from the groups I mentioned, right? It's not less problematic to reference a pop culture icon that has already belittled a culture.

Honestly, I'd rather not continue this in the thread. If you're interested in talking more about how it's actively damaging to people who are still alive and thriving to use their culture as a joke, please send me mail. I have some good resources that I can share, but I'm not going to engage in fighting about it.
posted by stoneweaver at 11:33 AM on February 25, 2013


Eh.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:38 AM on February 25, 2013


Yes, by all means we shouldn't make jokes about actual ceremonial items which are sacred to the adherents of existing religions.
posted by DevilsAdvocate


Eponysterical. Or eponysclerical.
posted by salishsea at 8:08 PM on February 25, 2013


I think the word we're looking for here is, "....anyway...."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:47 PM on February 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was more thinking of that dude in the Village People ...

In related news: As cardinals gather to elect Pope, Catholic officials break into a sweat over news that €23m investment includes gay sauna.
posted by ericb at 1:24 PM on March 11, 2013


My money is on the one who abets child-rapists but the payout is lousy.

Priest abuse victims' group blacklists 12 cardinals for pope.
posted by ericb at 1:26 PM on March 11, 2013


"I'm not going to respond to this group which has little to no credibility," said Joseph Zwelling, a spokesman for Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York.

It definitely helps the credibility of CNN to misspell the spokesman's name.
posted by Jahaza at 1:54 PM on March 11, 2013


Conclave customs roundup.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:58 AM on March 12, 2013


Pope's Job Listed on LinkedIn.
posted by ericb at 2:55 PM on March 12, 2013


Andy Borowitz: Vatican Calls White Smoke a False Alarm: “We Were Just Burning Documents”.
posted by ericb at 1:08 PM on March 13, 2013


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