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Shut Up and Fly
February 26, 2013 8:02 AM   Subscribe

When we return, our eyes will have shrunken into tiny slots and we will forage on the ground for centipedes and other high-protein foods we can feel with our hands. A first-hand account of Rihanna's 777 tour. Day One: There may be 777 tour babies nine months from now. Stockholm (Syndrome). Cray In Paris.
posted by the young rope-rider (47 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
Rock journalism is dead, and that sound you hear is Lester Bangs whirling at 45 RPM in his grave.

Sorry, but the tone of the two linked posts was awful. "Can we just, like, talk about RiRi for like? One second?"
posted by littlerobothead at 8:07 AM on February 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


she's probably in a private plane that will ride alongside us

AIRPLANES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY
posted by backseatpilot at 8:10 AM on February 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


I am confused. What Navy is traveling with her? Shouldn't they be on ships?

MetaFilter: a sovereign airborne colony that fluctuates between madness and murderousness
posted by knile at 8:16 AM on February 26, 2013


AIRPLANES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY
posted by backseatpilot

Eponysterical.
posted by knile at 8:16 AM on February 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


These articles make me feel old and possibly dyslexic. I keep reading the words over and over, but the sentences are still incomprehensible. I'm in my 20's. I know who Rihanna is. I'm literate. But I still have no idea what the hell they're talking about most of the time.
posted by Diagonalize at 8:20 AM on February 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


knile: I am confused. What Navy is traveling with her? Shouldn't they be on ships?

The Rihanna Navy is the collective name for her fans, for some reason.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:20 AM on February 26, 2013


A first-hand account of Rihanna's 777 tour

Are you saying Rihanna has an overvoltage in her lithium-ion batteries? Oh wait, that's the wrong plane ...
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:33 AM on February 26, 2013


I will admit that 777 actually refers to the Boeing 777 aircraft. Because otherwise, this would have been even more confusing!
posted by eriko at 8:34 AM on February 26, 2013


Maybe they'll fight alongside the Kiss Army, the Metallica Marines and the Ramones Coast Guard.
posted by jonmc at 8:34 AM on February 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


Surely The Ramones would be the Public Health Service. "I wanna be sedated," after all.
posted by eriko at 8:37 AM on February 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


If you go 777, then don't complain if someone deletes your files.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 8:39 AM on February 26, 2013 [16 favorites]


I joined the GG Allin Foreign Legion. I...don't recommend it.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:40 AM on February 26, 2013 [16 favorites]


I was invited to join the Gary Glitter Scouts, but, uh, I got a really creepy vibe at the meeting...
posted by pupdog at 8:41 AM on February 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


If you go 777, then don't complain if someone deletes your files

Oh, but it's fun to do that and then set the schng flag on the file....
posted by eriko at 8:45 AM on February 26, 2013


I joined the Dead Kennedys Martyr's Brigade... it was a blast.
posted by ennui.bz at 8:49 AM on February 26, 2013


I was disappointed that the second link had nothing to do with Robert Cray. I can't make out most of what it actually was about, except it must have been just incredibly hip.

In other news, Robert Cray is going to perform in Paris starting tomorrow.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 8:55 AM on February 26, 2013


It's all just so mentally ill!
posted by edgeways at 8:56 AM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cray cray and preggers triggers a cockpunching impulse like no other words in human language.
posted by dr_dank at 9:09 AM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


People still give a shit about Robert Cray? Are these the same people who still care that Eric Clapton is recording?
posted by spicynuts at 9:13 AM on February 26, 2013


knile: I am confused. What Navy is traveling with her? Shouldn't they be on ships?

The Rihanna Navy is the collective name for her fans, for some reason.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:20 AM on 2/26



Ohhhhh... That was why she was in that Battleship movie. That totally makes sense now
posted by Bwithh at 9:17 AM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Are we just making up collective names for fans now? Because it's going to be hard to beat Foreigner Legion.
posted by borkencode at 9:23 AM on February 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


Nothing tops the Slaytanic Wehrmacht
posted by Renoroc at 9:27 AM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Someone should go all Soviet-style with their collective fan names and have like the Rage Against the Machine Glorious Tractors of the Revolution.
posted by COBRA! at 9:28 AM on February 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


I thought about joining the Crass People's Militia, but then I realized I could just join Crass.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:28 AM on February 26, 2013


Is this going to turn into Sex House?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 9:32 AM on February 26, 2013


CHANEL DOOKIE ROPE
posted by 3.2.3 at 9:32 AM on February 26, 2013


I wasn't drunk, but might have been contact drunk

I think I've been this. It's odd.
posted by arcticseal at 9:38 AM on February 26, 2013


I just assumed the 3rd link was about a supercomputer out for a night on the town in the city of light.
posted by nathancaswell at 9:56 AM on February 26, 2013


that kind of tour must be like a cross between being in the army and being chained up in a madhouse
posted by thelonius at 9:58 AM on February 26, 2013


I was invited to join the Gary Glitter Scouts, but, uh, I got a really creepy vibe at the meeting...

because they seemed so inclusive????
posted by OHenryPacey at 10:17 AM on February 26, 2013


Metafilter: A bunch of programmers pretending to have an opinion on Rihanna
posted by shakespeherian at 10:21 AM on February 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


IM 40 AND WHAT IS THIS
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:46 AM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


JK love it.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:47 AM on February 26, 2013


Great article, good job, proud.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:47 AM on February 26, 2013


Rhianna is the Nas to Beyonce's Jay Z except with generating insane press coverage instead of disstracks. DISCUSS.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:50 AM on February 26, 2013


Huh. After reading the comments here, I expected the articles to be crazy or weird or unexpected incomprehensible or something. But it's really bland writing by a writer who seems to be trying really hard to pretend that a totally predictable pop tour experience is really surprising and exciting. I guess she understands that her readers likely have no idea how totally boring and mundane the stuff she's describing is and that they'll breathlessly consume it as if there's something remarkable or special about Rhianna, her fans, or her tour. I mean, honestly, the douchebag from Extreme appearing for a minute on the plane and then going back up front is, at best, an interesting display of un-earned but well-executed rock bravado. Oh well. For all my jadedness about the whole thing, I'd be lying if I said I didn't still wish I was part of that circus anyway.
posted by The World Famous at 10:59 AM on February 26, 2013


Strange: When I got half-through the first sentence of the third link, I actually said the words "Go away" as I closed the tab. I guess I'm a "hater" in this context? (*checks lawn)
posted by herbplarfegan at 12:15 PM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think the missed opportunity of this "tour" would be some sort of aggregation of all of the stories produced by the 150 journalists that were on board. I happen to personally know two of them, and following their twitter/fb/instagram accounts in real time was pretty hilarious and fascinating. The whole thing was definitely a media experiment gone sideways. Looked at from that angle, it's definitely more fascinating than the "What's Rihanna up to?" angle.

Here's another take on the whole thing.
posted by billyfleetwood at 1:42 PM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


The World Famous: "I'd be lying if I said I didn't still wish I was part of that circus anyway."

It's a shit business.
posted by gilrain at 2:03 PM on February 26, 2013


Missed opportunity, definitely. I feel like this would all be a lot more interesting if it were approached more holistically, focusing on the group (press, Navy, all of it) as a whole, instead of giddy, breathless accounts of 15 second brushes with Rihanna. The Fader article was infinitely more readable, and I feel like it painted a clearer picture of what a bizarre media circus it is.

Truth be told, I'd probably prefer it if Rihanna was just a red herring and the whole damn thing was actually a secret anthropological study instead.
posted by Diagonalize at 2:05 PM on February 26, 2013


Rock journalism is really still this excitable and self-devouring? Good to know, hadn't checked for a while.

And Rihanna is both remarkable and special, but not because of the circus.
posted by tigrefacile at 2:07 PM on February 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hey, I don't mean to disparage Rihanna. I just think its going to be hard to get any worthwhile rock journalism out any of this.
posted by Diagonalize at 2:10 PM on February 26, 2013


Rihanna's Insane 777 Tour Is Cray in Paris

The person who wrote that headline should be buried up to their neck and stoned for using the term "Cray". My lawn, you know what the fuck to do.
posted by MikeMc at 4:51 PM on February 26, 2013


If you've got a better suggestion as to how to describe the new French supercomputer built from components of Rhianna's plane and touring rig, I'm all ears.
posted by The World Famous at 5:07 PM on February 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Nuno Bettencourt is playing sideman for Rihanna? What a fucked up world. Is Allan Holdsworth playing backup for Taylor Swift, too?
posted by MexicanYenta at 3:46 AM on February 27, 2013


Yes, and Robert Fripp is a member of One Direction.
posted by The World Famous at 9:47 AM on February 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


And Johnny Marr is one of the judges on The Voice.

ok i'll stop now
posted by The World Famous at 9:52 AM on February 27, 2013


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