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Russia Attacks Sweden
March 1, 2013 1:07 AM   Subscribe

"Mamma Mia! They will tear us apart! 7-3! Just like in hockey last year." Sverker Göransson, commander-in-chief of the Swedish armed forces, recently said that Sweden’s scaled backed military leaves the country vulnerable. Sweden, he claimed, could only defend itself for one week if it came under attack. The Russians have taken notice and issued a satirical response.

Göranson was first considered to have committed a crime against national security, but then decided it was not criminal.

Defence Minister Karin Enström also drew criticism soon after Göransson's comments when she claimed that the level of preparedness was appropriate given the implausibility of an attack.

A report later confirmed the 'one-week defense' analysis.
posted by three blind mice (50 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
In other news, the U.S. lauds Sweden's "one week defense" as "amusingly optimistic."
posted by ShutterBun at 1:16 AM on March 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


It's probably best if they continue their long post-1790 run of not inexplicably getting into a war with Russia then.
posted by jaduncan at 1:38 AM on March 1, 2013 [24 favorites]


Contracting out their fortifications to Ikea wasn't the best idea in retrospect.
posted by empath at 1:47 AM on March 1, 2013 [16 favorites]


A week should give them plenty of time to fill out and submit the form for joining Nato. ("Is there a late fee? Can we get a group rate with Finland? Do you accept travelers checks?")
posted by pracowity at 1:52 AM on March 1, 2013 [12 favorites]


Amusing clip, but I wonder what would happen to the Russian satirists if they mocked Putin's insistent claim (for the past 13+ years) that NATO enlargement represents a clear threat to Russia's security?
posted by senor biggles at 2:11 AM on March 1, 2013


It's probably best if they continue their long post-1790 run of not inexplicably getting into a war with Russia then.
posted by jaduncan at 1:38 AM on March 1 [1 favorite +] [!]

To be fair, they did fight as recently as 1809.
posted by ILuvMath at 2:32 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


but I wonder what would happen to the Russian satirists if they mocked Putin's

Somewhere between Pussy Riot and Polonium is your answer.
posted by Mezentian at 2:40 AM on March 1, 2013 [14 favorites]


Wait, where's the link to the satirical response?
posted by dubold at 3:11 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


1.2% of GDP for defense? if the US had the same amount we would be able to offer a college education for all of our citizenry
posted by kanemano at 3:17 AM on March 1, 2013 [7 favorites]


Is this a push for more funding, to join NATO, or what?
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:25 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is how countries should solve disputes. With satirical dance/music videos.

If fact, abandon all war-fighter based armies. Replace with armies of dancers and singers. International disputes are settled by who has the best triple-threats, and the most erudite playwrights and proficient dramaturges.

Arts funding is massively increased. Liberal Arts becomes a valuable degree again. Reality TV 'talent' shows are abandoned in favour of coverage of real life conflicts.

Yeah, failing to see a downside here.

Soldiers can keep the uniforms though; the dress versions look pretty spiffy.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:36 AM on March 1, 2013 [8 favorites]


Do Russian news readers really have the same silly head-bobbles as American ones, or is that part of the satire?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:55 AM on March 1, 2013


"Wolverines!"
posted by The River Ivel at 4:01 AM on March 1, 2013


"This is how countries should solve disputes. With satirical dance/music videos"

Welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest ( Malmo 2013 )
posted by stuartmm at 4:03 AM on March 1, 2013 [6 favorites]


I find it mildly amusing that Göransson was chastised for saying what every Swede has known for decades. As if it was a secret that Sweden's non-existing military would initiate Guerrilla Warfare Mode the moment the Russian invaded Sweden*. As if the Russian Armed Forces didn't know all of this.

* Yeah, we have this irrational fear of Russia invading Sweden any moment now. Why Russia would invade us when they could bomb us to a prehistoric condition is really beyond me. Maybe they want our natural resources, i.e. surströmming and falukorv? Also, we tend to forget this NATO thing and that country Funland that apparently is between the two of us.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 4:06 AM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is how countries should solve disputes. With satirical dance/music videos.

Sweden, you got served!
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:07 AM on March 1, 2013


Welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest ( Malmo 2013 )

Man, that shit be rigged. Everyone just votes as part of a regional bloc anyway.

I want a formal declaration of [dance] war, a time and place publicly named, then everyone has to devise and rehearse a routine for performance on the day, to be televised, and decided by impartial judges.

Like a medieval battle, but with better lighting, musical direction, and Sutton Foster.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:14 AM on March 1, 2013


Wait, where's the link to the satirical response?
... Exactly...
posted by bitteroldman at 4:24 AM on March 1, 2013


wait, what?
posted by bitteroldman at 4:24 AM on March 1, 2013


1.2% of GDP for defense? if the US had the same amount we would be able to offer a college education for all of our citizenry

Nice try, comrade.
posted by R. Schlock at 4:25 AM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


that country Funland that apparently is between the two of us.

Don't worry, Russia should have no problems invading a little place like Finland.

KARJALANPIIRAKKA
posted by jaduncan at 4:31 AM on March 1, 2013 [15 favorites]


Man, that shit be rigged. Everyone just votes as part of a regional bloc anyway.

I refer you to WWI and II.
posted by jaduncan at 4:33 AM on March 1, 2013


1.2% of GDP for defense? if the US had the same amount we would be able to offer a college education for all of our citizenry

Current student debt load: $1 Trillion
Current defense budget: $687 billion.
posted by empath at 4:44 AM on March 1, 2013


Wait, where's the link to the satirical response?
... Exactly...


IT'S THE FIRST LINK.
posted by three blind mice at 4:45 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


1.2% of GDP for defense? if the US had the same amount we would be able to offer a college education for all of our citizenry

More Americans than Swedes already have college degrees on a percentage basis.

Anyway, we need to get away from the jackass notion that college is the be all and end all for most people. If we had better secondary education, most colleges could go hang.
posted by IndigoJones at 4:53 AM on March 1, 2013 [8 favorites]


Yeah, we have this irrational fear of Russia invading Sweden any moment now.

In the early 90s, a Canadian defense company I was working at made a killing selling thousands of their latest hi-tech anti-submarine sonar detection buoys to the Swedish defense ministry.

A few decades later, relating this to some European expat friends in New York, at first I only said they had been sold for use "somewhere off of Europe's northern coast". They didn't believe me, saying that European countries aren't as possessive about their territorial water boundaries as North American countries are.

"No really, it was to Sweden, I think. They detected a Russian sub within the boundary a few days after the new net was deployed and it nearly caused an international incident."
"Ohh, Sweden. Ok, that totally makes sense."
posted by ceribus peribus at 5:02 AM on March 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


I can picture in my mind a world without war, and a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

-- Jack Handey
posted by Malor at 5:31 AM on March 1, 2013 [12 favorites]


This is how countries should solve disputes. With satirical dance/music videos.

Sweden, you got served!

Yeah, people may associate Russian dance with ballet, but they'd be wise to remember that Russia has other histories of dance battles which are decidedly more old school.
posted by tychotesla at 5:35 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


1.2% of GDP for defense? if the US had the same amount we would be able to offer a college education for all of our citizenry
Current student debt load: $1 Trillion
Current defense budget: $687 billion
That "current student debt load" is money that has gone towards paying for decades of education.

That "current defense budget" is for one year, and arguably is like 50%-100% less than what is really spent on "defense" anyway (i.e. that $687b figure doesn't include a lot of things that a lot of people would be surprised to find don't count as being part of "the defense budget").
Yeah, we have this irrational fear of Russia invading Sweden any moment now. Why Russia would invade us when they could bomb us to a prehistoric condition is really beyond me. Maybe they want our natural resources, i.e. surströmming and falukorv? Also, we tend to forget this NATO thing and that country Funland that apparently is between the two of us.
NATO member states are obligated to defend other NATO member states. Sweden is not a NATO member state.
posted by Flunkie at 5:40 AM on March 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


Amusing video apart from the sexist dig at the defense minister being a woman. As for Sweden, it's not as if Russia would suddenly decide to invade them without considering the American and French/German reaction.
posted by ersatz at 6:26 AM on March 1, 2013


Yeah, but they hate them for their Volvos.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:08 AM on March 1, 2013


Picturing something like Red Dawn with less murder and bloodshed and more badass dancing. I'd see it. Not even ashamed to say it.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:18 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Finland can take care of for them, all they'll need is few Finn's and it will be taken care of:

One to take on the Russians

A couple to get them to Norway really quick until everything blows over
Like this guy
or This one
posted by empty vessel at 7:29 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is how countries should solve disputes. With satirical dance/music videos.

Moe Szyslak: Funk Dancing for Self-Defense
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 7:32 AM on March 1, 2013


jaduncan: that country Funland that apparently is between the two of us.

Don't worry, Russia should have no problems invading a little place like Finland.
Only true because Simo Häyhä died ten years ago.

His marksmanship skills are probably close to zero by now.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:48 AM on March 1, 2013


it's not as if Russia would suddenly decide to invade them without considering the American and French/German reaction

Well, there was Georgia in 2008.
posted by echo target at 7:48 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


China Mieville at 2:12
posted by deathpanels at 7:50 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]




that country Funland that apparently is between the two of us.

Who wouldn't want to invade Funland?
posted by leotrotsky at 8:25 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Current student debt load: $1 Trillion
Current defense budget: $687 billion.


You are comparing a total over years to an annual amount.

Or, if you will, we'd pay off half of that the first year, and the other half the second. Having paid off the sum total of all student loans in the US, representing, what, some 10 years worth of graduated students, we would then need to spend vastly less per year to keep those actually attending in school. In particular, if we assume the standard 10 year term, we'd be looking at a cost of roughly $1T (total cost of all outstanding loans on 10 year terms) divided by 10 (cost of an education of one graduating cohort), or $100B a year.

And of course, if the Federal Government becomes the sole supplier of tuition, etc., then they become a single payer. And single payers *control the price*. So, I'm willing to bet that $100B/y would actually drop dramatically.

But let's assume not. So, if we "drop" defense and pay off everyone's college, after the first two years, we'd be spending $100B on that. That leaves $587 *billion.* We could spend $150B on defense, $150B on social programs, and reduce the deficit by $187B. In the first two years, we spend $150B on defense, $100B on current students, and $437B on retiring the existing debt, with the third year spending the $187B remaining after Defense and Social to retire the remaining debt.

Or, we can build another goddamn aircraft carrier and more airplanes that have trouble flying.
posted by eriko at 8:26 AM on March 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


Wait, where's the link to the satirical response?
... Exactly...

IT'S THE FIRST LINK.


No, not the Swedish general's statement, I mean, where's the Russian response that's allegedly so satirical?
posted by dubold at 9:39 AM on March 1, 2013


dubold: "No, not the Swedish general's statement, I mean, where's the Russian response that's allegedly so satirical?"

I see what you did there.

That's a fuckin' funny video, at first I thought the Swedes were mocking their own leaders. Took me a second to realize it was Russian in origin. I kept waiting for a cell phone to be pulled out since they're apparently so emasculating.
posted by symbioid at 10:18 AM on March 1, 2013


Didn't Finland cream them in hockey that screaming crazy night in 2011?
posted by infini at 11:32 AM on March 1, 2013


it's not as if Russia would suddenly decide to invade them without considering the American and French/German reaction

>Well, there was Georgia in 2008.

I don't think Sweden would ever attack first. Not to mention EU membership, being a traditionally Western country etc.
posted by ersatz at 11:49 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Then again, Finland also kicked Russki ass.

Did anyone else think the lead singer resembles Putin vaguely?
posted by infini at 11:56 AM on March 1, 2013


Soldiers can keep the uniforms though; the dress versions look pretty spiffy.

Not to mention yellow plastic shorts
posted by the noob at 2:21 PM on March 1, 2013


Then again, Finland also kicked Russki ass.

So did Poland and look where it got them
posted by the noob at 2:22 PM on March 1, 2013


NATO member states are obligated to defend other NATO member states. Sweden is not a NATO member state.

Yeah, so the counties involved would be the actual military powers in NATO without a formal NATO action: US, UK, France, Germany. Maybe the Turks would jump in for a chance to settle some scores in the Caucasus. I don't think Sweden would face a (very unlikely) Russian invasion alone.
posted by spaltavian at 12:27 AM on March 2, 2013


Which is why the Finns are justifiably proud.
posted by infini at 3:14 AM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


> > Welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest ( Malmo 2013 )

> Man, that shit be rigged. Everyone just votes as part of a regional bloc anyway.

The odd thing is that Serbia, Croatia, and Bosnia all vote for each other just like any other regional block. You really think that's because they get together to rig it?
posted by Francis at 5:38 AM on March 2, 2013


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