in need of a reality check, possibly?

March 2, 2013 2:49 PM

Hello! Over the past summer I was coming out of (what I now view as) an abusive relationship with someone who is likely an alcoholic. There was violence, a ton of debt, cruel language, cheating on several levels, etc. I posted about it here. I went total NC with that one, despite his continued attempts to keep in contact with me, and didn't date at all or even contemplate a new relationship until the end of the holidays when I met a guy who totally took me by surprise and seemed amazing. I told him up front that I was coming off of an abusive relationship and had been cheated on repeatedly, with both strangers as well as my ex-'s "closest female friends", so I was highly sensitive to certain things and wasn't quite sure if I was healed enough yet. He told me that he was already loving who I was, and accepted me so far, and that I was "worth it" and so forth. I decided to give it a go.

Basically, it became long distance, and has now been going on about 3 months. He recently made plans to travel from his current college to a nearby college, where he used to attend, to visit a bunch of college friends. I was supportive of that idea, but also expressed some insecurities about him getting drunk with girls I've never met--some of them girls he's dated or hooked up with--when that exact scenario is how I was repeatedly cheated on. I never wanted him to NOT go, I just wanted to talk about it and feel heard and reassured I suppose, and every time over a period of 2 weeks he blew it off, changed the subject, or became offended in some way even though I made it about MY issues and assured him I was owning the problem.

So, the day came for him to leave, and it happened to be his birthday. The night before, he'd referred to me imploring him to talk about my feelings as "bitching" and he "didn't want to deal with it" and then ended the call prematurely. It took me totally by surprise since over the past few months he'd been so understanding and supportive. So on his birthday, I said "I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a fun time with your friends, and I think this might be a great opportunity for me to take a few days to myself to think about these issues I've been having. Why don't you focus on having fun and we'll come back to this in a few days?" I said, "I love you, I still want to be with you and come visit and see you, I just want to do the right thing for us." Well, he lost his shit. He told me it was shitty of me and I was ruining his birthday and his weekend. I reaffirmed my feelings and my commitment, and reminded him (AS HE KNOWS) that after my last relationship I need a LOT of processing and alone time when I feel emotionally overwhelmed.

A day goes by and I look on his Twitter account, both out of guilt and curiosity, honestly kind of hoping I won't see anything that makes me feel like total shit about it. I see him "tweeting at" 5-6 different girls, using various "hottie"-related hashtags, saying things like "I better see Amanda while I'm in town #myfavehottie" and "Hey Brittany is your sister going to be in town? I'd love to take her to dinner #hottienumberone." (which is apparently some kind of inside joke) He also posted several things that were along the lines of "my dog is the only woman who's never let me down" and "it's nice when someone who supposedly cares about you ruins your birthday." Then later he updated and I found out he got drunk and spent all night with some chick he once had a thing for, hanging out until 5 a.m. (my ex did that same thing once and ended up sleeping with the girl in our bed, and not telling me about it until I found her glasses underneath when I was cleaning one day)

I texted him, told him that I didn't know what was happening or why I deserved to see that, but that he could "f off" and he was a "f-ing jerk" for it. His response was, "Yeah I'm a real horrible guy for calling my friends hotties. I'm such a horrible guy." We haven't spoken since.

Honestly I feel ready to walk from this relationship even though things were otherwise developing at a pace I was comfortable with and he seemed like a good guy. We had fun, I was attracted, he was respectful and gentle and kind... This guy was calling me 7 days a week, texting me all day about how wonderful and special and great I was, actually got an EXTRA JOB on the side just to be able to fund trips solely to visit me because he misses me so much... So am I just way too sensitive and unstable and still raw? Or is being that much of a jerk about a sensitive issue a red flag?

Thank you guys, again, for any of your wonderful feedback. If anyone sees this who gave me advice the last go around--THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. It really meant a lot!

posted by orumi (0 comments total)