From Maine to San Diego

March 6, 2013 5:11 PM

Shunned by New York's bachelorette population after handing out one too many gift baskets, Derek Jeter loses his confidence with the fairer sex and retreats to Springfield a broken man. There he finds a kindred spirit in Moe, the only man on Earth lonelier than the heartbroken Captain...The two leave Springfield to start a holistic living clinic in North Haverbrook and are never heard from again. The New Springfield Nine: If Mr. Burns had to re-staff the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team with a lineup full of present-day players, who should he choose?
posted by mannequito (8 comments total)

It's too bad Barry Bonds isn't still active. He pretty much lived the Ken Griffey Jr. storyline from the original episode.
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:13 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Have Cap Anson, Jim O'Rourke, Willie Keeler, Buck Ewing, Ed Delahanty, John McGraw, Jesse Burkett, Roger Connor and Cupid Childs all retired?
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:33 PM on March 6, 2013

No R.A. Dickey? Can't take it seriously.
posted by jonmc at 5:44 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yadiiiii!!!
posted by limeonaire at 7:40 PM on March 6, 2013

No Chooch? I am disappoint.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:17 PM on March 6, 2013

Now batting for Darryl Strawberry...Homer Simpson.
Funniest line in television history.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:00 AM on March 7, 2013

Oh, and here's the dialog from Homer at the Bat.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:01 AM on March 7, 2013

Unlike the "New Springfield Nine," the original succeeded so well in part because it wasn't trying to pull in as many recurring Simpsons characters and in-jokes as possible. I was hoping for fates for the new nine (actually seventeen since he also provides a fate for a runner-up suggestion for every position but one) which were a little more creative than "how many Simpsons references can I cram into this article."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:36 AM on March 7, 2013