Lower the ever living fuck out of your cholesterol

March 21, 2013 7:16 AM

Nutrition like a boss.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (89 comments total)

Vegan as fuck, son.

Good stuff.
posted by Argyle at 7:25 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Source.
posted by zarq at 7:26 AM on March 21 [9 favorites]

remember, a safe thug is a happy thug.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:29 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

H=N/C. BAM!
posted by seemoreglass at 7:29 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

This shit here is no fucking joke.
posted by leftcoastbob at 7:31 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Look at these fucking peppers
posted by SharkParty at 7:31 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

I'm confused as to how "tiny ass-fucking tomatoes" are supposed to stop dick cancer. I think eating them would be more useful.
posted by Renoroc at 7:32 AM on March 21 [11 favorites]

See this motherfucking image?
It's got a god-DAMNED joke over it!
A bitch-ass, dick-humping, incongruously hyper-sexualized JOKE, son!
Now I'll repeat the SAME BALLS-OUT joke over another fucking picture!
Same fucking joke! Over and over again!
BOO-YAH! I have a site!
posted by xingcat at 7:34 AM on March 21 [63 favorites]

Renoroc: "I'm confused as to how "tiny ass-fucking tomatoes" are supposed to stop dick cancer."

Tomatoes contain lycopene, which is thought to lower the risk of prostate cancer.
posted by zarq at 7:36 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Um... unless you were joking. In which case don't stick your goddamn junk in the motherfucking tomatoes. People have to eat that shit..
posted by zarq at 7:37 AM on March 21 [10 favorites]

Now I'll repeat the SAME BALLS-OUT joke over another fucking picture!
Same fucking joke! Over and over again!
BOO-YAH! I have a site!

You screwed up; you he had made a Tumblr, you'd have a book deal by now.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:39 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Haha, so close xingcat, but the dick-humping line kills the verisimilitude of the statement. Likewise, the photos feel off because of the "holy hand grenade" line.
posted by Qberting at 7:40 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

ugh, this makes me a little uncomfortable and "thug kitchen" doesn't help.
posted by sweetkid at 7:41 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

Could they not present these items without the potty mouth? I have delicate sensibilities!
posted by mazola at 7:42 AM on March 21 [7 favorites]

Same fucking joke! Over and over again!

I hope that one day people will stop pretending that vulgar language alone is witty. I don't want those kids to get off my lawn, I just want them to stop being so tedious.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:42 AM on March 21 [21 favorites]

I'm confused as to how "tiny ass-fucking tomatoes" are supposed to stop dick cancer.

I'm not sure if that hyphen in your quote is deliberately misplaced or not, but it's the most entertainly misplaced hyphen I've seen in a while. (Eats, shoots and leaves, motherfucker.)
posted by Dasein at 7:43 AM on March 21 [11 favorites]

It seems as accurate and objective as most science writing these days.
posted by sammyo at 7:43 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

Ya know... Yes, the language is violent and all that shizz. Sexist, too. But ya know "eating healthy" and all that shit is boooooooooooooring. Put it like this? When I was a kid, fuck, I'd be like HELL YEAH! Sometimes marketing has to be done differently. I'd rather worry less about kids swearing than them eating fucking twinkies (or whatever it is now that Hostess is fucked).
posted by symbioid at 7:46 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

Put me down in the "I am amused but somewhat squicked out by the use of thug" category.

"Real Talk, mayo is fucking gross" is sooo true though.
posted by tkappleton at 7:52 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

I'm waiting for actual gangsters to adopt 17th century style lingo. Cursing is clearly no longer even a little rebellious.
posted by rednikki at 7:54 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I like it, think it manages to be educational in a clever way, but yeah the vernacular is a little off. Elsewhere on the site: "Game recognizes game." Nah, son, that's not the quote.

I'm waiting for actual gangsters to adopt 17th century style lingo.

There's already a meme for that.
posted by fuse theorem at 8:03 AM on March 21 [7 favorites]

I'm waiting for actual gangsters to adopt 17th century style lingo.

Well, "gat" is from the Prohibition, so they're headed in the right direction.
posted by nevercalm at 8:07 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

I really love this shit, but it's clear that we need more mutherfuckin' words like BITCH that are not fucking BITCH.
posted by iamkimiam at 8:08 AM on March 21 [23 favorites]

Dasein: "I'm not sure if that hyphen in your quote is deliberately misplaced or not"

It's an ancient xkcd reference. I hope.
posted by brokkr at 8:12 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

It's an ancient xkcd reference.

Eventually, everything is.
posted by grubi at 8:16 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

It's a single serving joke site. I enjoyed it. It didn't need to change my life.
posted by josher71 at 8:16 AM on March 21 [13 favorites]

These things just get recycled and recycled, and it stopped being funny from overuse. Yo, it's mothafuckin' Gustav Mahler in da hizzouse! Symphonies n shit! Now check me--Gustav on the decks, imma sous vide some Icelandic mothafuking lamb!

On the flip side, you've got the Ducreux meme (render rap in antiquated diction, essentially), and its cousin, take rap and just butcher it with WASPy delivery (Hot Chip, Columbia's Bitches Ain't Shit a capella).

I don't find them offensive (though others may disagree)--but the only joke is in the incongruity and these jokes have become so prevalent and so overused, that they are their own thing. They're not incongruous anymore. They just are, and there's no there there.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:17 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

They're not incongruous anymore. They just are, and there's no there there.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:17 on March 21 [+] [!]

This, coming from a man named for a fish. I mean, REALLY.
posted by grubi at 8:20 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

I really love this shit, but it's clear that we need more mutherfuckin' words like BITCH that are not fucking BITCH.

Motherfuckin' hyneas? Nah, needs to be a single syllable animal. I vote moose.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:21 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Andre 3000 isn't really a "thug", but well... Good Day, Good Sir
posted by symbioid at 8:21 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Fuck the skull of Courier! And get me my strawberries!
posted by Marky at 8:32 AM on March 21

I really love this shit, but it's clear that we need more mutherfuckin' words like BITCH that are not fucking BITCH.


Does ain't shit.
posted by Decani at 8:35 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

... don't stick your goddamn junk in the motherfucking tomatoes. People have to eat that shit..
posted by zarq at 10:37 AM

Now see, I've always visualized zarq is being a cool-as-a-cucumber, kind-hearted guy, calm in demeanor and slow to anger. So after I read that comment, I think my brain short-circuited a bit.

I don't know whether to be scandalized, impressed, scared or turned on...

Although I think I feel a bit of everything right now.
posted by bitteroldman at 8:35 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I really love this shit, but it's clear that we need more mutherfuckin' words like BITCH that are not fucking BITCH.

I prefer to use "FUCKER":

CALM YOUR FUCKER ASS DOWN LIKE A BOSS

THESE SONS OF FUCKERS RIGHT HERE

TOSS THAT FUCKER IN SOME WHOLE WHEAT PASTA

ANTIOXIDANTS ARE ALL UP IN THIS FUCKER

NATURE'S BUTTER, FUCKER

etc.
posted by grubi at 8:42 AM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I'm uh... trying to defy expectations! Yeah, that's it. :D

Heh. I'm so not cool-as-a-cucumber. But thanks. :)
posted by zarq at 8:42 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Does he have a book deal yet? Please say he does.
posted by rhymer at 9:06 AM on March 21

2am chili is an exemplar of the aggressive recipe genre.
posted by msbrauer at 9:25 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Does he have a book deal yet? Please say he does.

The title is 'Shit Fuck Dick-a-Titty, Fuckin' Balls it's a Book', and the content is just the word 'COCKS' printed on every page in 80pt font. 17.99 at your local Urban Outfitters.
posted by FatherDagon at 9:26 AM on March 21 [21 favorites]

Look at this mother fucking plate of beans!
posted by Mick at 9:31 AM on March 21 [9 favorites]

I liked how it was willing to go the extra mile to annoy me by being posted to imgur.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:36 AM on March 21 [12 favorites]

I really love this shit, but it's clear that we need more mutherfuckin' words like BITCH that are not fucking BITCH.

We use "kitten" in our house. Throw like a kitten, punch like a kitten, sneeze like a kitten, etc.
posted by peep at 9:40 AM on March 21 [6 favorites]

Love the message, could do without the "thug" speak.
posted by Kitteh at 9:40 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

A few words that aren't bitch:

Trollop, wench, baggage,
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:43 AM on March 21

Wait, I thought "Antioxidants" had been debunked this week? I don't even know.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:02 AM on March 21

Katjusa Roquette: "A few words that aren't bitch:

Trollop, wench, baggage,"

This actually throws it on its head. The problem is not that there is something fundamentally wrong with using the word bitch in order to describe some problematic female. The problem is using a word which means "problematic female" and does so in a derogatory fashion.

In the context of talking about, say, antioxidants being all up in this bitch, we are not talking about a woman filled with antioxidants (presumably, from the bottom upwards). The meaning might be more along the lines of "this [forcefully awesome thing] is full of antioxidants".

So I would suggest "unicorn", as unicorns are similarly forcefully awesome.

Thus providing us with, "antioxidants are all up in this unicorn".
posted by Deathalicious at 10:03 AM on March 21 [9 favorites]

Kitteh: "Love the message, could do without the "thug" speak."

So what you're saying is you would like photos of healthy food surrounded with praising text talking about how healthy it is? Oh, if only such content existed on the internet!
posted by Deathalicious at 10:04 AM on March 21 [8 favorites]

Wait, I thought "Antioxidants" had been debunked this week? I don't even know.

Nah, those kittenfuckers rolled up on the scientists and put the paw down.

So I would suggest "unicorn", as unicorns are similarly forcefully awesome.

Unicorns are jerks.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:07 AM on March 21

calm the cloud down, yo.
posted by boo_radley at 10:14 AM on March 21

I never thought these kinds of jokes - usually white people mimicking the speech of certain urban subcultures - were very funny. Also, I'm sick of mayo haters.
posted by ChuckRamone at 10:17 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

So what you're saying is you would like photos of healthy food surrounded with praising text talking about how healthy it is? Oh, if only such content existed on the internet!

No, what I'm saying is that I like the message and there are other ways to make it funny and informative without being offensive.
posted by Kitteh at 10:35 AM on March 21

calm the cloud down, yo.

Put your i/o port in sleep mode, kitmo.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:46 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

this is as stupid as snakes on a M#$%^&*n' plane
posted by caddis at 10:47 AM on March 21

this is as stupid as snakes on a M#$%^&*n' plane

Did you just say Microsoftin'?
posted by grubi at 11:03 AM on March 21 [1 favorite]

No, what I'm saying is that I like the message and there are other ways to make it funny and informative without being offensive.

Well, we're waiting. Go right ahead.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:20 AM on March 21

I hope that one day people will stop pretending that vulgar language alone is witty.

Humor is incompatible frames of reference. Contrast. "My dog has no nose." "How does it smell?" "Awful!"

Admit it. Before you saw this, you had never before seen or heard vulgar language used to describe high levels of emotive desire for vegetables.

The vulgar language is not the humor. It's the vulgar language within this frame of reference.

If you can't see that ... do you get a lot of other jokes explained to you?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:25 AM on March 21 [10 favorites]

While that's some excellent condescension there, I think it's fair to say that most of us have seen "vulgar language used to describe high levels of [sentiment] for [incongruous thing]" many, many times. We get it, and it's boring.
posted by wreckingball at 11:35 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

This is great and all - encouraging different sectors of the population to eat more fresh fruits and veggies.

You know what would be more great? Helping those different sectors of the population, namely low income areas, get access to that fresh produce in the first place by eliminating food deserts. If fresh produce was more accessible, I'm sure it'd get eaten more.
posted by spinifex23 at 11:38 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Well, I thought it was funny.
posted by spindrifter at 11:45 AM on March 21 [3 favorites]

The vulgar language is not the humor. It's the vulgar language within this frame of reference.

The thing is, it's a very played out and massively overused 'wacky contrasting frame of reference'. It's chicken-crossing-the-road levels of contrasting expectations. TO GET TO THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKIN SIDE YO YO YO YOLO
posted by FatherDagon at 11:49 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Admit it. Before you saw this, you had never before seen or heard vulgar language used to describe high levels of emotive desire for vegetables.

Sorry to repeat myself, but that exact circumstance was a meme five actual years ago.
posted by SharkParty at 11:49 AM on March 21 [2 favorites]

Agressive recipes? Vegan Black Metal Chef. With the heat of Satan.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:55 AM on March 21 [4 favorites]

Agressive recipes? Vegan Black Metal Chef. With the heat of Satan

Hail Seitan.
posted by FatherDagon at 12:00 PM on March 21 [9 favorites]

I've laughed at five year old jokes before. Older ones, even.
posted by marimeko at 12:03 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Yeah, don't stick your dick in the tiny tomatoes. That what the mashed potatoes are for.
posted by jonmc at 12:09 PM on March 21 [5 favorites]

I imagine all of these being read in the voice of Adam from Girls.
posted by yellowcandy at 12:16 PM on March 21

Then there's also Naked Vegan Cooking. (More or less NSFW.)
posted by Kitteh at 12:17 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

HELLO TATERS
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:24 PM on March 21

The thing is, it's a very played out and massively overused 'wacky contrasting frame of reference'

So, here's the point where I ask you to point me to five other jokes of this exact type -- motherfucking language, yo, about vegetables. Chop chop. We're waiting.

Otherwise, this criticism is without foundation. Just hipster-ish standing around going "Simpsons did it first."

Indeed, according to this logic, any English literature, anywhere, is a mere ripoff of, say, Beowulf. Heroic journey? Pfft. Groknard the Neaderthal story-teller did it first.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:25 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Oh my god this is funny! My boyfriend just found out his cholesterol was high, so this should help.
posted by foxhat10 at 12:25 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

SLIP?

. If fresh produce was more accessible, I'm sure it'd get eaten more.

Fair enough, son, but I live in an area with a shit-ton of fresh produce, and the kids all eat the muthafuckin' flaming hot cheetos.

Sometimes, marketing doesn't have to be evil. (Though I think parents are the market here, which is also fair enough as the baby boomers/GenXers are the folks who've ruined our diets.)
posted by mrgrimm at 12:28 PM on March 21

I imagine all of these being read in the voice of Adam from Girls.

No, this talk is straight up Adam from Workaholics (which, from the few I've seen, is a pretty funny show.)

Adam from Girls is more "kid" than "son."
posted by mrgrimm at 12:35 PM on March 21

Oh for God's sake. Metafilter, where some of us never learned that the proper response to humor that you think is vulgar and unfunny is a tightlipped smile and change of subject--not an even more boring explication of WHY it's not funny. Jesus.

I thought it was funny. NATURE'S BUTTER, BITCH.
posted by HotToddy at 12:51 PM on March 21 [4 favorites]

fuse theorem, thank you for the name of the hat-painting-guy. been trying to figure that out for a while not. (this one remains my favorite. altho someone really needs to turn this self-portrait into a memegif.)
posted by epersonae at 12:53 PM on March 21

This was the first "extreme advertising" meme I ever saw. "Temple of nod" hehehe
posted by hellphish at 1:12 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

See also: the old chestnut "Responds to Xerxes" (which I still love anyway).
posted by SharkParty at 1:18 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

Deathalicious: "Katjusa Roquette: "A few words that aren't bitch:

Trollop, wench, baggage,"

This actually throws it on its head. The problem is not that there is something fundamentally wrong with using the word bitch in order to describe some problematic female. The problem is using a word which means "problematic female" and does so in a derogatory fashion.

In the context of talking about, say, antioxidants being all up in this bitch, we are not talking about a woman filled with antioxidants (presumably, from the bottom upwards). The meaning might be more along the lines of "this [forcefully awesome thing] is full of antioxidants".

So I would suggest "unicorn", as unicorns are similarly forcefully awesome.

Thus providing us with, "antioxidants are all up in this unicorn"."

Too many syllables, DAWG! Then you be like some pansy-ass college kid.

Yo.
posted by Samizdata at 1:38 PM on March 21

From the FAQ:

“are you black?”
IT’S SAD EVERY TIME I SEE THIS STUPID QUESTION COME ACROSS MY INBOX. IF I WERE TO REMOVE THE STRONG LANGUAGE THEN THIS WOULD BE JUST ANOTHER TYPICAL FOOD BLOG. IF YOU AFFILIATE THE WORD “THUG” AND AGGRESSIVE LANGUAGE WITH THE COLOR OF SOMEONE’S SKIN, YOU’RE A JACKASS AND PROBABLY A TERRIBLE COOK.

FWIW, I laughed my ass off at this site.
posted by jbickers at 1:48 PM on March 21 [7 favorites]

So I would suggest "unicorn", as unicorns are similarly forcefully awesome.

Thus providing us with, "antioxidants are all up in this unicorn"."

Too many syllables, DAWG! Then you be like some pansy-ass college kid.


How about "mug", the shortened/bowdlerized version of "motherfucker"? As in "antioxidants are all up in this mug".

That way I'm not forced to pretend unicorns are a concern of mine!
posted by grubi at 2:18 PM on March 21

Trash talking deodorants and beer face off in the bathroom.
posted by onlyconnect at 2:20 PM on March 21

Hatebaking with GVB
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 2:35 PM on March 21

I got as far as the summer rolls before I got my bitch ass off the fucking couch and into the kitchen to make some with smoked goddamned tofu, awesome green onions and fancy-ass lettuce. they were fucking delicious.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 4:01 PM on March 21 [4 favorites]

I'm waiting for actual gangsters to adopt 17th century style lingo. Cursing is clearly no longer even a little rebellious.

Because nobody used naughty language in the 17th Century. Nobody.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:07 PM on March 21 [1 favorite]

I heard every one of these in Aziz Ansari's voice.
posted by whitneyarner at 9:24 PM on March 21 [3 favorites]

See this motherfucking image beat?
It's got a god-DAMNED joke over it!
A bitch-ass, dick-humping, incongruously hyper-sexualized JOKE, son!
Now I'll repeat the SAME BALLS-OUT joke over another fucking picture sample!
Same fucking joke! Over and over again!
BOO-YAH! I have a site gangsta rap album!
posted by Rykey at 11:21 AM on March 22

reminds me of What the Fuck should I make for dinner?
posted by kbennett289 at 11:48 AM on March 22

What 2000 Calories Looks Like
posted by homunculus at 1:55 PM on March 26 [1 favorite]

mazola: Could they not present these items without the potty mouth?

That's actually part of the plan here, as described in the FAQ:

PART OF WHAT WE ENJOY ABOUT TK IS HOW, HOPEFULLY, IT WILL GET READERS THINKING ABOUT WHAT KIND OF ADDITIONAL BEHAVIORS THEY ATTRIBUTE TO PEOPLE WHO TRY TO EAT HEALTHY. EVERYONE DESERVES TO FEEL A PART OF OUR COUNTRY’S PUSH TOWARD A HEALTHIER DIET, NOT JUST PEOPLE WITH DISPOSABLE INCOMES WHO SPEAK A CERTAIN WAY.

For one, I'm really glad this is part of the 'message'.
posted by carsonb at 10:53 AM on April 9

That's a little disingenuous considering they are calling it "Thug Kitchen."

People who speak a certain way = thugs! Now eat well please!
posted by sweetkid at 12:19 PM on April 9

Most humor is indeed a little disingenuous!
posted by carsonb at 9:50 PM on April 9 [1 favorite]