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Is RealTouch the future of male masturbation?
March 28, 2013 11:48 AM   Subscribe

"It strikes me, as I look down at the Realtouch device nuzzling my crotch like a baby goat sucking on a bottle, that I'm now effectively masturbating professionally." Loz Blain "road-tests" the male sex aid of the future, today.
posted by mr_crash_davis (183 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
Let me take a wild-ass guess that this is NSFW? I could be wrong.
posted by Danf at 11:54 AM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


I will keep doing things the old-fashioned way, by hand.
posted by me & my monkey at 11:54 AM on March 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


"You came here in that? You're braver than I thought."
posted by loquacious at 11:55 AM on March 28, 2013 [24 favorites]


I know a guy who is a professional tech blogger. I have passed this link along, that he might finagle a counterpoint.
posted by kafziel at 11:56 AM on March 28, 2013


A woman with a sex toy is an empowered liberated feminist. A man with a sex toy is a lecherous disgusting pervert. So it has always been.
posted by xmutex at 11:56 AM on March 28, 2013 [28 favorites]


In 50 years I picture a room full of sex ed students, being forced to learn to masturbate by hand, complaining to the teacher that they don't need to learn this anymore because they can just stick their penises in a machine. The teacher will then describe how one day, they'll need to masturbate when they can't find their magical masturbation machine, and then they'll be glad they spent all this time learning.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:56 AM on March 28, 2013 [84 favorites]


A woman with a sex toy is an empowered liberated feminist. A man with a sex toy is a lecherous disgusting pervert. So it has always been.

The best part is when people make this complaint and don't understand that the cause is patriarchy.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:58 AM on March 28, 2013 [130 favorites]


I don't think you have explored the full potential of the tags here. 'Johnson' is missing, for example.
posted by carter at 11:59 AM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:00 PM on March 28, 2013 [12 favorites]


The idea of a decent remote-controlled mutual masturbation device is one I could really get behind (heh). I know a few long-distance couples who would happily pay for a way to be intimate despite the many miles between them. Yay for technology!
posted by fight or flight at 12:01 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, well, I still jerk off manually.

I think the way you want to put that is "artisinal self-pleasure."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:03 PM on March 28, 2013 [137 favorites]


Needs more Google Glass.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:04 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Does this work with my Fitbit?
posted by zippy at 12:04 PM on March 28, 2013 [19 favorites]


A woman with a sex toy is an empowered liberated feminist. A man with a sex toy is a lecherous disgusting pervert. So it has always been.

The best part is when people make this complaint and don't understand that the cause is patriarchy.

Ok, I admit it, I truly don't understand. How is patriarchy the cause of this? And also, which attitude, the positive one about women with toys, the negative one about men, or both? 100% sincere question.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 12:09 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I am a guy who is comfortable with male sex toys, buy that thing had conveyor belts. It's like sticking your penis in the gears from Modern Times.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 12:09 PM on March 28, 2013 [14 favorites]


I'll be over here, actively fearing the inevitable version that allows people to be penetrated in the loving, sensitive way so representative of most porn scenes.
posted by jesourie at 12:10 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


"artisinal self-pleasure."

Handmade in small batches, stored in hardwood casks, and bottled with the finest corks.
posted by zippy at 12:11 PM on March 28, 2013 [10 favorites]


Ok, I admit it, I truly don't understand. How is patriarchy the cause of this? And also, which attitude, the positive one about women with toys, the negative one about men, or both? 100% sincere question.

The idea is that patriarchy encodes a set of fixed ideas about the nature of gender performance, which is restrictive to both genders. Stereotypes about men being sex-crazed, driven by their baser urges, etc, are part of that set of ideas and are detrimental to men in the same way that patriarchal stereotypes about women are.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:12 PM on March 28, 2013 [48 favorites]


Back then, Screw magazine regularly ran ad for "AutoSuck." It plugged into the cigarette lighter in one's car and one plugged into it. Talk about a pleasant commute...
posted by issue #1 at 12:16 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


And also, which attitude, the positive one about women with toys, the negative one about men, or both? 100% sincere question.

The negative one about men, I'd think. Real Men can get women; to use a sex toy is a shameful admission of failure. Meanwhile, the patriarchal view doesn't admit that women have sexual agency - if they have orgasms, it's only because they're sleeping with Real Men. So a woman getting off with a sex toy is certainly anti-patriarchal.

Something like that, anyway.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:17 PM on March 28, 2013 [16 favorites]


People make fun of masturbation sleeves because A Real Man should be able to find a woman to fuck, so using one means you're not a real man. Bam! Patriarchy.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 12:18 PM on March 28, 2013 [13 favorites]


One small step on the way to fully immersive virtual sex: one way to solve the population crisis.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:19 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


aw I owe Rustic Etruscan a coke
posted by Elementary Penguin at 12:19 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Elementary Penguin: "aw I owe Rustic Etruscan a coke"

That's not how it's spelled.
posted by The White Hat at 12:20 PM on March 28, 2013 [26 favorites]


I once heard that technological advance before your 35th birthday is natural evolution, everything that happens after is against the will of God and Nature and causes the downfall of man.

So, I hope someone, somewhere is having a happy 35th birthday! Because I am suddenly aware that I am obviously too old for the present.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 12:23 PM on March 28, 2013 [10 favorites]


but it's still $20 same as in town.
posted by k5.user at 12:23 PM on March 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


Real Men can get women; to use a sex toy is a shameful admission of failure.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure..."
posted by bondcliff at 12:25 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Is RealTouch the future of male masturbation?

Only if it sucks as hard as RealPlayer.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:27 PM on March 28, 2013 [67 favorites]


So - wait - does this mean teledildonics is actually here finally? I mean - I've been waiting and waiting. It was my dream in the late 90s to have a fully functional teledildonics system.

Also - is this related to those porno-movies that have digital data that send information to be sent to a sex to to simulate action on screen? I suppose I should RTFA, eh?
posted by symbioid at 12:27 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Only if it sucks as hard as RealPlayer.

Well, both of them will end up going down on you at a moment's notice.
posted by fight or flight at 12:29 PM on March 28, 2013 [28 favorites]


"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure..."

My checkerboard is monochrome, by Teddy's account.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:29 PM on March 28, 2013


Totally the camgirl killer app though, yes? I was wondering if their use of "open source" really meant that or if they just have an API and know the hip lingo?
posted by jessamyn at 12:30 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


from article: “I'll not go into depth on the software installation process beyond saying that it was a bit of a pain...”

Er.

“We also talk about Realtouch Interactive – a relatively new service the company has put together that introduces a human contact element to the Realtouch device. Specifically, the company has developed a real-time control device called the Joystick that cam girls can use to have virtual sex with Realtouch users in live chat sessions.”

Someday, we will create a marvelous system whereby humans will never have to touch each other at all! What a clean, beautiful world that will be.
posted by koeselitz at 12:30 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cleanup is, I think, the last remaining barrier to making these things popular. Women's sex toys can (often) just go right back in the drawer when finished. These jawns need attention paid post-climax.

TL;DR: these won't take off until you can use these in your dorm room without needing to head to the bathroom to clean it after.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:31 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


"USER UNDERSTANDS THERE IS A RISK OF PERSONAL INJURY ASSOCIATED WITH THE USE OF THIS PRODUCT" (Capitals theirs, not mine).

Yeah, thanks, I'll pass on being a beta tester for this thing. I'd rather do something less terrifying, like tiger-taming or going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:32 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


If the only reason to bother with real whole-body touchy feely sex is because you are interested in the whole body touchy feely experience, I figure the whole body touchy feely experience will be more fun for those who care enough to do it, yeah?
posted by LogicalDash at 12:32 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also +1 on the awareness of patriarchy's affects on men. I'm hearing more and more attention paid to that on the tubes and it feels like true progress. Thank you all!
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:33 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Women's sex toys can (often) just go right back in the drawer when finished

That doesn't seem like a great idea. I mean, that's not a great idea, right?
posted by kbanas at 12:34 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I don't think you have explored the full potential of the tags here. 'Johnson' is missing, for example.

Now you're thinking with Portals!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:34 PM on March 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


Now you're thinking with Portals!

Previously.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:37 PM on March 28, 2013


Totally the camgirl killer app though, yes?

Repetitive strain injuries are going to go through the roof through.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:38 PM on March 28, 2013


That doesn't seem like a great idea. I mean, that's not a great idea, right?

*shudders* No, it's not a great idea.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I mean, that's not a great idea, right?

Yeah, if you're throwing your toy back in the drawer once you're done, you're either going to end up with a nasty smelling toy or an infection down the line. It's always super important to clean anything which comes into contact with bodily fluids (here's a handy guide). Or just use a condom if you're lazy.
posted by fight or flight at 12:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


So, um, how does one pronounce "Gizmag"?
posted by Sys Rq at 12:41 PM on March 28, 2013 [19 favorites]


Repetitive strain injuries are going to go through the roof through.

I foresee a repeat of the Milli Vanilli scandal when a popular entertainer is caught ... er, "lip-syncing" is definitely not the word I'm looking for ... during a "live" performance.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 12:42 PM on March 28, 2013


I'll be in my bunk
posted by dry white toast at 12:43 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


symbiod: So - wait - does this mean teledildonics is actually here finally? I mean - I've been waiting and waiting. It was my dream in the late 90s to have a fully functional teledildonics system.

issue #1: Back then, Screw magazine regularly ran ad for "AutoSuck." It plugged into the cigarette lighter in one's car and one plugged into it. Talk about a pleasant commute...

In the even earlier 90s Mondo 2000 ran a full page ad on the back of the magazine for most of their brief span of publishing, advertising a $10,000 reward for a working teledildonics system.

I'm actually surprised it took this long. I also wonder how many crazy replies that ad received.

In retrospect and considering the zeitgeist of the era, I also wonder if someone truly dangerous like Mark Pauline from Survival Research Laboratories made some giant metal contraption powered by a Chevy small block or an array of chainsaw engines that also dispensed nootropic drugs, featured an integrated TENS unit, a mechanical autoflogger and a pair of blinky LED photoneuralsynthesis goggles.

And twenty years later virtual reality is just a comical footnote in history replaced by smartphones and Google Glasses.
posted by loquacious at 12:45 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Totally the camgirl killer app though, yes?

Oh, wow; good point. What they need to develop next is a dildo that can sense what's happening to it and encode those things in real time as a program for the RealTouch....

Wow.
posted by gurple at 12:45 PM on March 28, 2013


I can't really picture getting this in the mail without shouting, "SEX ROBOT! Aw, Sex Robot, I KNEW you were real!"
posted by Greg Nog at 12:50 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


Also +1 on the awareness of patriarchy's affects on men. I'm hearing more and more attention paid to that on the tubes and it feels like true progress. Thank you all!

It is a good thing, and I think I've seen it more often myself.

Sometimes I wonder, though, whether I would have sympathized with feminism if I had conformed better to patriarchal convention. The thought never cheers me.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:58 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Amazon feedback:
1.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely Awful!!!!, October 24, 2012

On the 1st use my husband inserted his male part into the machine and it burned the tip of it. Not advisable to purchase!!!!!


Also, it looks like you have to have a video going in order to watch this, and they use the toy as a way of selling you sex videos and webcam checks...

Videos designed to interact with the device run about $1 per minute

Virtual prostitution. Tiajuana prices.
posted by markkraft at 1:07 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


The best part is when people make this complaint and don't understand that the cause is patriarchy.

The explanation that makes sense to me is that a woman who uses a sex toy is seen as taking initiative to ensure her sexual needs are met, but a man who uses a sex toy is seen as giving up (to take initiative would be to find a partner).

People make fun of masturbation sleeves because A Real Man should be able to find a woman to fuck, so using one means you're not a real man. Bam! Patriarchy.

People don't make fun of gay men for fucking other gay men, but will still make fun of the guy with a Fleshlight.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:07 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


People don't make fun of gay men for fucking other gay men

Listened to "Ether" lately?
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:09 PM on March 28, 2013


Re: patriarchy and the reason why use of sex toys is considered more acceptable for women than men: consider that we live in a society that both condemns women for being too prudish as well as too slutty. As a woman you're supposed to be sexy and sensual, but only a sex object or a prize to be sought out and chased, not an actual person willingly having sex. I'd wager that acceptability of female masturbation with sex toys is due at least in part because of this double standard. Masturbation is a way for women to be sexually active without raising her "number," thus simultaneously filling expectations of sexuality and non-promiscuity. And the patriarchal system which allows such an attitude to exist just happens, as an unintended side effect, to make it easier for women to use masturbation as a means of liberation, and a way of controlling one's own sexual agency.

And, as mentioned earlier, the flip side is that men are characterized as sex-hungry beasts (something that can be spun as either positive or negative depending on the subculture) and where male promiscuity is encouraged--or at least tolerated considerably more than female promiscuity. And, keeping in mind the aforementioned societal pressures for women, men who masturbate with toys are seen as failures who cannot get the much-sought-after and difficult prize that is a Real Live Woman.
posted by picklenickle at 1:09 PM on March 28, 2013 [15 favorites]


I'll rephrase that: there are a lot of people who will not make fun of gay men for fucking other gay men, but will still make fun of the guy with a Fleshlight.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:10 PM on March 28, 2013


s/woman/person then.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 1:10 PM on March 28, 2013


Why should any guy care about what some other guy might say about their Fleshlight?

Is that *really* a conversation you're likely to have with them?
posted by markkraft at 1:14 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Why should any guy care about what some other guy might say about their Fleshlight?

You see this on MetaFilter all the time, actually. Someone says that people who do X or Y are lame/assholes/clueless/stupid and then other people who may do X or Y react to that. You can read about what people say about people like you (especially in the media, for example) without having to have a direct conversation with someone about whatever you may be doing.
posted by jessamyn at 1:16 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


(Clearly, I should've added those sarcasm tags.)
posted by markkraft at 1:22 PM on March 28, 2013


Hello, I'm here for the dick jokes.
posted by SassHat at 1:24 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


I for one welcome our dildonic overlords.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 1:30 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd like to say "Call me back with the inevitable follow up posts from hackers who made it do something weird and horsepower fanatics who've added a blower" and then close with something about stick shift, but instead . . . just a light roll of the stomach after seeing the jaws of that thing and now I'm going to start the process of forgetting this exists. Or that there was a company that's been working on this for years.
posted by yerfatma at 1:33 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Just think... you can spend $199, plus generous amounts of premium lube, custom designed to work with your machine, plus $1 a minute to have a virtual sex experience with a porn bimbo with fake tits, who will gratuitously fake her orgasm.

I own sex toys, but I don't think I would want to be one of the ones on the bleeding edge of this particular technology. This is one situation where I'm pretty sure I'd prefer waiting for the Chinese knockoffs.
posted by markkraft at 1:33 PM on March 28, 2013


I don't think I would want to be one of the ones on the bleeding edge of this particular technology.

Neither do I, when you phrase it like that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:36 PM on March 28, 2013 [39 favorites]


Within a few years there will be live performances on webcams. Thousands of men experiencing the same artiste in unison.

Truly we live in wonderful times.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:38 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Ok Glass, gargle my nuts"
posted by sidereal at 1:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [19 favorites]


> porn bimbo with fake tits

This is sort of offensive, just FYI.
posted by gilrain at 1:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [10 favorites]


Just think... you can spend $199, plus generous amounts of premium lube, custom designed to work with your machine, plus $1 a minute to have a virtual sex experience with a porn bimbo with fake tits, who will gratuitously fake her orgasm.

Wait, it's only $199? I was sure it would be an order of magnitude more than that.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:40 PM on March 28, 2013


Call me back with the inevitable follow up posts from hackers who made it do something weird

It's actually sending your personal information back to the NSA/Google/Nielsen WHILE YOU USE IT!
posted by octobersurprise at 1:40 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Within a few years there will be live performances on webcams."

Actually, that's a service they're already offering for this.
posted by markkraft at 1:41 PM on March 28, 2013


"What he did not realize was that, in this country, we use 220 volt current. He was found impaled upon a large electrical device. Our surgeons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to remove the smile from his face."
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:41 PM on March 28, 2013 [11 favorites]


It's actually sending your personal information back to the NSA/Google/Nielsen WHILE YOU USE IT.

It's the ULTIMATE in exhibitionism.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:43 PM on March 28, 2013


Secure socket costs extra.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:45 PM on March 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


Eventually there will be a small cheap portable model that fits discreetly in one's pants enabling the average man to wear it while he goes about his daily business, at which point, ew. Have fun with that, future people.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:46 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


"What he did not realize was that, in this country, we use 220 volt current. He was found impaled upon a large electrical device. Our surgeons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to remove the smile from his face."

Gentlemen, it looks like this man came and went.

AAAAAAHHHH!

posted by inturnaround at 1:47 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


The only thing I could think while reading that review was "What the hell?! Every man I've ever been with nearly ALWAYS got his and where did that leave me?! WHY DON'T THEY DEVOTE SOME GODDAMN SCIENCE TO MAKING ONE OF THESE FOR ME?!"

I mean, I get that my not getting off as frequently as a dude says something about me (and the men I date, I guess) but what the crap, dudes that always get to get off get this and women who sometimes never do get a rock hard vibrating stick or a pink thing with a butterfly on it for our choice in sex toys?!

Pffft. I guess I'll just wait for my super futuristic dildo to arrive about the same time that the male birth control pill does.

But seriously, that was quite a funny read. If I were married, I'd pay good money to laugh at my husband while he tried this Sex Robot out.
posted by youandiandaflame at 1:49 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


For those of us who can't read this at work, can someone sum up the article/product? Inquiring minds!!
posted by Melismata at 1:53 PM on March 28, 2013


can someone sum up the article/product?

welp

it's a robot

a sex robot

and you put your sex penis in there

and it goes "WHIIIRRRRRRR"

and then I guess when you take your penis out your penis is all clean
posted by Greg Nog at 1:58 PM on March 28, 2013 [59 favorites]


> when you take your penis out your penis is all clean

They've had these on golf courses for decades, although I never have understood the synergy there.
posted by gilrain at 2:02 PM on March 28, 2013 [13 favorites]


Relevant song
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:04 PM on March 28, 2013


I once heard that technological advance before your 35th birthday is natural evolution, everything that happens after is against the will of God and Nature and causes the downfall of man.

I always heard it as "Technology is everything invented after you were born."
posted by seemoreglass at 2:08 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm mostly freaked out that it looks like Eve.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 2:10 PM on March 28, 2013


"I don't think I would want to be one of the ones on the bleeding edge of this particular technology."

Neither do I, when you phrase it like that.


Well, you'll never get your red wings with that attitude, mister.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:12 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I for one do not wish to be on the bleeding edge of sex toy technology.
posted by unSane at 2:13 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


The subtitle of that article should be "TMI"
posted by Fists O'Fury at 2:16 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I just held my member up to the screen and he said, "There are old pilots and there are bold pilots . . . " before crawling back into the safety hatch in my underwear. No idea what that was all about.
posted by yerfatma at 2:19 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


I can't even get another human male to properly manipulate my genitalia, and they at least have first hand experience, as it were. My hands won't run out of charge, are always within a few feet of me for any masturbation emergency that might come up, and can be fully immersed for cleaning without risk of electrocution. What's the point of this thing? It's like a sex version of a Kindle book when you already own the first edition in hardback.
posted by sonascope at 2:24 PM on March 28, 2013 [9 favorites]


in hardback

I see what you did there.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:28 PM on March 28, 2013


> in hardback

I see what you did there.


The softcover will be out in, oh, call it 5 minutes.
posted by jcreigh at 2:30 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


Oh, wow; good point. What they need to develop next is a dildo that can sense what's happening to it and encode those things in real time as a program for the RealTouch....

If you check Realtouch.com, they have that too.
posted by kafziel at 2:30 PM on March 28, 2013


Not everyone has hands, sonascope.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:30 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ok, I just read the article. Controlled by someone else remotely?!
posted by Melismata at 2:31 PM on March 28, 2013


The King cums, the Hand wipes.
posted by zombieflanders at 2:32 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'll rephrase that: there are a lot of people who will not make fun of gay men for fucking other gay men, but will still make fun of the guy with a Fleshlight.

Right. So here's how it works.

You start out with the standard old-fashioned American ideas about sex.
"Men are voraciously horny and into everything. Women are passive and prudish. Real men enjoy conquering women, and are good at it too."
But then someone points out to you that that's kind of heterocentric. Or maybe you have the epiphany yourself. So you edit it a bit. The New And Improved version goes like this:
"Men are voraciously horny and into everything. Women are passive and prudish. Real men enjoy conquering people of the appropriate sex, and are good at it too."
And then you realize, "Hey, wait, some women like sex if their partner is paying enough attention to do it right. Most men just don't bother to pay enough attention." And so you edit it again, and Version 3.0 goes something like this:
"Men are voraciously horny and into everything. Women have highly specific sexual needs, which are secret and special and private, and they deserve to have those needs met. Real men enjoy conquering people of the appropriate sex, and are good at it too."
People who buy into Version 3.0...
  • ...Will sometimes say things like "Gay couples are so lucky. I mean, they both want sex all the time, right?"
  • ...Probably figure that lesbianism makes sense too -- since both women have those Secret Special Private Needs -- but might privately suspect that a man who was skilled and attentive enough could get the job done.
  • ...Are okay with women using sex toys (again, you know, Secret Special Private Needs). Might think it's weird or wrong (or just couldn't even be true) if a woman insists she prefers partner sex to masturbation, since that doesn't fit with the Secret Special Private Needs narrative.
  • ...In the same vein, totally expect to hear a woman say "I can only come from oral sex" or "I can only come in this one position," but might think it's seriously fucked up if she says "I'll take it any way I can get it" or "All that complicated stuff turns me off. Let's just fuck."
  • ...Think it's weird for men to have strong preferences for one kind of stimulation over another. Penises are supposed to be straightforward. Men should be able to come immediately from any sex act in any position, or from any kind of masturbation, and definitely should never need special sex toys.
  • ...Still think that it's pathetic if a man wants to play with himself rather than going out there and conquering someone else.
In a nutshell, what you're looking at here are people who have cast off some of our cultural baggage about sex and gender, but still have little lingering bits of it remaining, and haven't quite made the jump to "Everyone can be into whatever they want and it's cool." I will totally take a Version 3.0 dude over a Version 1.0 dude any day of the week. It is a big improvement. But it's not perfect.

Also, it's worth pointing out that Version 3.0 is hard on women as well as on men. Women who are okay with being a Special Private Magic Secret Garden Wonderland Of Unique Erotic Beauty -- and who are either lesbians, or okay with dating men who feel compelled to play the conqueror/seducer role all the time -- are fine. Women who don't want to be up on that pedestal all the time are ignored or erased, or cast as freakish, frigid or repressed.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:36 PM on March 28, 2013 [62 favorites]


I don't think I would want to be one of the ones on the bleeding edge of this particular technology

I saw what you did there.

This is one situation where I'm pretty sure I'd prefer waiting for the Chinese knockoffs.

And there.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:37 PM on March 28, 2013


You plug it in to your USB port, and it's controlled by video that contains certain codes/triggers. They are able to effectively model the kind of motion and stimulation you are getting and where you are getting it, as well as the relative heat, lubrication, etc. These triggers can be in pre-recorded video, or activated on the fly by live webcam by touching a phallic-looking input device.

All very lifelike... unless, of course, you get the malfunctioning unit that burns your penis, that is.
posted by markkraft at 2:40 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


If the Chinese are as good at knocking this off as they are at making crappy variations on GY6-based scooters, I would only recommend the cheap versions to my worst adversaries.
posted by sonascope at 2:41 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's like we're living in a William Gibson novel that he wrote when he was desperate and needed the money.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 2:42 PM on March 28, 2013 [33 favorites]


> In a nutshell, what you're looking at here are people who have cast off some of our cultural baggage about sex and gender, but still have little lingering bits of it remaining, and haven't quite made the jump to "Everyone can be into whatever they want and it's cool." I will totally take a Version 3.0 dude over a Version 1.0 dude any day of the week. It is a big improvement. But it's not perfect.

I am going to post Alex Harvey's Gang Bang in a completely non-judgmental and sex-positive manner.
posted by Nomyte at 2:44 PM on March 28, 2013


The only thing I could think while reading that review was "What the hell?! Every man I've ever been with nearly ALWAYS got his and where did that leave me?! WHY DON'T THEY DEVOTE SOME GODDAMN SCIENCE TO MAKING ONE OF THESE FOR ME?!"

I mean, I get that my not getting off as frequently as a dude says something about me (and the men I date, I guess) but what the crap, dudes that always get to get off get this and women who sometimes never do get a rock hard vibrating stick or a pink thing with a butterfly on it for our choice in sex toys?!


If you think those are the only two choices that women have for sex toys you really need to get out more.
posted by Jairus at 2:52 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


dudes that always get to get off get this and women who sometimes never do get a rock hard vibrating stick or a pink thing with a butterfly on it for our choice in sex toys?!

Erm....Things have advanced.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:57 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


Goddammit Internet, you will NOT ruin baby goats for me.

"Ok Glass, gargle my nuts" gives me a flashback.
posted by Lou Stuells at 2:58 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'll rephrase that: there are a lot of people who will not make fun of gay men for fucking other gay men, but will still make fun of the guy with a Fleshlight.

What Now There Are Two said.

Old habits die hard, yo. Intellectually, I believe "everyone can be into whatever they want and it's cool." Emotionally, I feel using a Fleshlight would be the Capstone of the Edifice of My Loserdom, because I live at home and haven't had so much as a date. Jokes don't tend to come from the intellect.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:06 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


It went "ZIP" when it moved, and "BOP" when it stopped, and "WHIRRRR" when it stood still. I never stuck my dick in it, and I guess I never will.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 3:08 PM on March 28, 2013 [19 favorites]


oh god.

So, I followed the "customers who viewed this item also viewed...." rabbit trail after reading the review, and....I found this most definitely nsfw option.

Okay, guys, I thought that we women had some weird stuff (hello, Twilight-inspired sparkly dildos), but this...this is....

Okay, we need someone with much, much better design sense working in this industry, for BOTH genders.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:21 PM on March 28, 2013 [9 favorites]


When she licks along the bottom of her co-star's shaft, only the bottom belt in the Realtouch device moves – and it damn well moves in the right direction. When she chokes on him, you can feel it as she gags.

I believe the above merits a more nuanced response than a series of wide-eyed and frowny-faced emoticons, but I'm coming up short. Therefore: O_o D: ಠ_ಠ
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:31 PM on March 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


JOE:
Gee, Sy, this is a real groovy apartment you've got here.

SY BORG:
All government sponsored recreational services are clean and efficient.

JOE:
This is exciting, I never plooked a tiny chrome-plated machine
That looks like a magical pig with marital aids stuck all over it
Such as yourself before.

SY BORG:
You'll love it! It's a way of life.
posted by mosk at 3:35 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Oh my God EmpressCallipygos. I feel like I could teach an entire "Women, Capitalism and Sex" class just by bringing that sucker in on the first day and slapping (ew) it down on the desk.

"DO YOU SEE THIS?" I would shout. "THINK ABOUT IT. FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER. CLASS DISMISSED."

And then I would have to wrestle it away from that one douchebag who was only in the class to pick up chicks.
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:36 PM on March 28, 2013 [23 favorites]


I was too curious. I had to find a video. (NSFW obviously)

IT MAKES THE MOST TERRIFYING NOISES
posted by Strass at 3:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't know why it took me so long to come to this realization but:

Someone beta tested this.

Hell, someone alpha tested this.

I think I moment of respect is appropriate for those proud men who went first.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


I give it a year before a Kickstarter comes along that completely revolutionizes this space. Product features:

Sleek, Apple-worthy design
Rechargeable-battery operated w/ clever dock
Bluetooth for communicating with computer or smartphone
Usable with condoms for easy cleanup

Anything else?
posted by wemayfreeze at 3:40 PM on March 28, 2013


Dishwasher safe
posted by RustyBrooks at 3:41 PM on March 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


So, I followed the "customers who viewed this item also viewed...." rabbit trail after reading the review, and....I found this most definitely nsfw option.

Well I'll be darned. It's a sex teratoma.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:42 PM on March 28, 2013 [12 favorites]


it sounds like a teletype
posted by jepler at 3:43 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I can't speak to their quality, since I'm not, uh, properly equipped, but Tenga has the sleek design part on lockdown.
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:44 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Someone beta tested this.

Hell, someone alpha tested this.


It was tested on animals. (Not a cruelty-free device.)
posted by Nomyte at 3:47 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ha. Handroid.

How about:

Fapple
Samspunk
Motorooolala
Microsoft Bob
Google Apps
Dropbox

I should probably go find something else to do with my time...
posted by chasing at 3:53 PM on March 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


Anything else?

A big red panic lever on the side that springs the device open at the slightest hint of danger.
posted by forgetful snow at 3:55 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


Now there are two. There are two _______.: "In a nutshell, what you're looking at here are people who have cast off some of our cultural baggage about sex and gender, but still have little lingering bits of it remaining, and haven't quite made the jump to "Everyone can be into whatever they want and it's cool." I will totally take a Version 3.0 dude over a Version 1.0 dude any day of the week. It is a big improvement. But it's not perfect."

Thank you for writing this. I feel like this explains so much of what I'm working through, in my head right now, trying to get over cultural baggage stuff, and somebody saying it aloud helps an awful lot.
posted by Apropos of Something at 4:01 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Videos designed to interact with the device run about $1 per minute

In fairness, though, the videos only need to be about 5 minutes long.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:09 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


In fairness, though, the videos only need to be about 5 minutes long.

They are apparently keeping the price competitive with Viagra.
posted by localroger at 4:45 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Things have advanced

They have! Babeland's a great store. That said, this looks entirely too much like a Tron light bike (from the front), or an eyeless space whale's maw (from the back), for me to be entirely comfortable using it.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 4:58 PM on March 28, 2013


I can see so many embarassing ambulance calls resulting from this.
posted by jonmc at 5:03 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Too bad Stephen King is past his prime, because one of these possessed by a demon would fit right in to, say, Night Shift.
posted by chavenet at 5:04 PM on March 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


"No user-serviceable parts inside"

"heh, heh, I just serviced the hell out of it."
posted by mrbill at 5:09 PM on March 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


I came here for puns and snark, and I am not disappointed.
posted by Slothrup at 5:10 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


People make fun of masturbation sleeves because A Real Man should be able to find a woman to fuck, so using one means you're not a real man. Bam! Patriarchy.

no, that's the wrong thing to compare it to. the correct comparison would be that a man who masturbates with his hand is "ho-hum, they all do that" and a man who uses this product, a fleshlight, a "real girl doll" is "creepy, weird." in contrast, a woman who masturbates with her hand OR some device is "liberated, empowered."

if you want to call all gender stereotypes "patriarchy", fine, whatever, but i don't think you're using that term precisely.
posted by cupcake1337 at 5:14 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


When you take the smooth white plastic cover off and observe its functional innards, it looks like a sausage grinder.

This is:
a) irony
b) promotional brochure material
c) atavistically frightening
d) curiously intriguing
e) all of the above

Having actually read the fucking article, I have to say the stick-on googly eyes and the little tiara make me want to hang out with this guy.

I don't have $900 idle so I cannot speculate further.
posted by sidereal at 5:18 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm about to go to sleep, but there are examples of media portrayals of women using vibrators that are not about empowerment or liberation. The vibrator scene in Parenthood or the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte gets addicted to her Rabbit vibrator are e two I can think of off the top of my head. There is a subset of progressive western culture that views women masturbating as liberated, but it is by no means universal.

Other than that, I support the much more well-articulated argument in this comment.

Finally, I think if we want to end the disparity in how women's sex toys and men's sex toys are viewed in popular culture, rather than complaining about the unfairness of it all, we need to be the change we want to see! In the spirit of comity and over-sharing in the noble tradition of our founder, I'm going to recommend the Tenga Egg as surprisingly worth the cost. Just remember to wash it between uses, because ew.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 5:37 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Not everyone has hands, sonascope.

I felt sorry for myself because I had no girlfriend, until I met that guy.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:38 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think I moment of respect is appropriate for those proud men who went first.
posted by Tell Me No Lies a


Surely you mean those who came before us?
posted by spitbull at 5:49 PM on March 28, 2013 [14 favorites]


I can see so many embarassing ambulance calls resulting from this.

I know what I'm praying for tonight.

(Not for people to get injured! Never for people to get injured! Just, if they happen to get injured anyway, that it's on one of my calls.)
posted by WidgetAlley at 5:49 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


(Not for people to get injured! Never for people to get injured! Just, if they happen to get injured anyway, that it's on one of my calls.)

That was how I knew I was not cut out for EMS. I was the only guy in the building going "Oh please give me normal calls, please let the extra-fucked-up ones be someone else's problem."

posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 5:53 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


I can see so many embarassing ambulance calls resulting from this.

yabut at least you'd get to meet new people in an arguably romantic context. Ice breaker, ya know?
posted by sidereal at 6:06 PM on March 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


WORST. SUPERHERO. ORIGIN. STORY. EVER.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:18 PM on March 28, 2013 [15 favorites]


forgetful snow: A big red panic lever on the side that springs the device open at the slightest hint of danger.

I'd save that for the Pimp My Sex Toy edition of this device.

Yo dawg, I heard you like pulling your lever, so I installed a lever so you can pull your lever while you're pulling your lever!
posted by dr_dank at 6:28 PM on March 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


I can see so many embarassing ambulance calls resulting from this.

Maybe.

Of course, they could have called it the CockMangler 5000 and there's still a certain percentage of men who would feel compelled to put their dick in it.

So perhaps this device will be to the stupidly adventurous a safer alternative to the boles of trees or Shop-Vacs.

Whatever. I really just wanted an excuse to use the phrase "CockMangler 5000".
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:33 PM on March 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


Their mission is to put the DongCroggler Deluxe™ people out of business!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:54 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


We get it dude, you have a wife...
posted by nathancaswell at 6:55 PM on March 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Okay, we need someone with much, much better design sense working in this industry, for BOTH genders.

Is that a scrotum or a pair of lips? Who cares? It feels great!
posted by Combustible Edison Lighthouse at 7:00 PM on March 28, 2013


IT MAKES THE MOST TERRIFYING NOISES

I heard the audio from that video before I saw what was playing, and I fully expected when I looked over to see a horde of chittering insectoid aliens swarming over a hill or something.
posted by russm at 7:14 PM on March 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


And as such, it's over within 10 minutes

Bullshit.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:17 PM on March 28, 2013


I'm worried the Bene Gesserit are behind this.
posted by zippy at 7:35 PM on March 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


markkraft - "Virtual prostitution. Tiajuana prices.

Kids will be able to just pirate their prostitutes now and have some bot AI respond to user input. Virtual pirate prostitutes. Think of the children!

posted by porpoise at 7:40 PM on March 28, 2013


IT MAKES THE MOST TERRIFYING NOISES

I heard the audio from that video before I saw what was playing, and I fully expected when I looked over to see a horde of chittering insectoid aliens swarming over a hill or something.


...and aside from the chittering insectoid alien noises that has to be the most tedious pornographic video in the world.

Like, dude, that thing you're filming? There's nothing to see. It doesn't move. It just sits there obscuring your wang and talking to itself. Guh.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 7:45 PM on March 28, 2013


Is that a scrotum or a pair of lips? Who cares? It feels great!

So, are sex toys the only thing amazon sells where if you accidentally cross your mouse over the product picture, a floaty box with an extreme closeup of the area the pointer's hovering over instantly appears? I can't say I've noticed this feature before. With this particular product, the feature was very noticeable.
posted by Diablevert at 7:49 PM on March 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Jon Mitchell, I was more recommending Babeland to someone who was talking about the design of toys for women. You men got y'all a whole other type of equipment there.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:08 PM on March 28, 2013


True enough...the women's toys are getting seriously nicely product designed, these days. That said - and we are getting into TMI territory here, but "women's" toys work amazingly well on guys, so I don't know why they don't just cross-market them more.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:13 PM on March 28, 2013


I think that most people in this thread are dramatically overestimating the degree of progress that feminism has made in most of the world, even the parts of the world we generally think of as more enlightened and liberal and equality-focused. Women masturbating, much less using sex toys, is still considered to be disgusting or shameful or a sign of deep dysfunction. That's true in large swaths of the US and the rest of the West. Many people belong to religious organizations that teach it. Parents believe that if their daughters masturbate, it means that they'll end up pregnant at 16 or grow up to be strippers, and their pediatricians and other experts aren't really telling them otherwise. That's the predominant view, not the view that women using vibrators is awesome and a positive way to embrace their own sexuality.

I love that Metafilter is so far into embracing feminism and gender equality that the first thing people think when they see a sex toy for men is, "wow, I wish it were socially acceptable for men to use sex toys the way it is for women!" I love that people think that the patriarchy says that female masturbation is an acceptable outlet for women's sexual urges. I really do love that, because it means that we've succeeded to the degree that a lot of us have enough privilege to have forgotten that in most places, including places very geographically near you right now, people think that women who masturbate are dirty sluts. And the corollary to that is that men who masturbate, especially men who spend money to masturbate with toys, are losers who couldn't even get those sluts to sleep with them, much less a worthwhile woman who is saving herself.

Seriously, you guys are awesome.
posted by decathecting at 8:39 PM on March 28, 2013 [16 favorites]


"women's" toys work amazingly well on guys

Well you can either think of the clitoris as a very small penis, or the penis as a very large clitoris with a pump behind it. Either way girl toys should work for boys. Boy toys like the OP are the non-crossover product here.
posted by localroger at 8:41 PM on March 28, 2013


Sorry to attempt an answer to my own question-- I like parts of a lot of the comments here, but it's fascinating that there appear to be more pieces I haven't seen touched on yet. My first thought was that the positive attitude about women and toys (where it exists, nod to decathecting) seems like a direct product of feminism, and that patriarchy played little or no role except maybe to serve as a trigger. Betty Dodson's Sex for One and Our Bodies, Ourselves come prominently to mind as stressing that female sexual pleasure and even female anatomy have been poorly understood, including by women themselves, and that exploring these things is something that not only needs to be said is okay to do, but even needs some explicit hand-holding and step-by-step instruction. To think that not only did we learn many women have trouble achieving orgasm and therefore a vibrator is nothing to be ashamed of, but that some women only saw their own clitorises for the first time when books like these suggested they get out a hand mirror, is to be reminded how new the idea of this okayness is, and not likely to be a product of patriarchy.

My second thought is that the negative attitude about men and toys is maybe related to patriarchy in a very different way than has been suggested so far. It's not that Real Men get laid and those who use toys are failures, it's that sex toys are strongly identified as feminine, in no small part due to feminist pioneers like Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, etc., and that men who use toys are therefore unacceptably feminine. After all, patriarchy doesn't seem to be automatically critical of men who masturbate. Sure, there are the Rosie Palmer five-fingered girlfriend jokes, but there's also the grunting masculine acknowledgement of masturbation as something guys do-- Jergens and Kleenex are embraced as part of the vulgar lot of being male, just another bodily function, and no less manly than belching or farting or leaving the toilet seat up. In fact, the coarser the better. Spit in your hand. Do it dry, no lube. That's manly. But for a man to pamper himself? To explore his body's possibilities? To think of it as self-care or self-love? Not masculine at all, and therefore disgusting.

(My third thought, which only just now registered because it's still hard for me to see, but is maybe the most classically patriarchal of all, is that the image of people masturbating is still being framed from a homophobic, male heterosexual perspective-- imagining women jerking off is hot, imagining men do it is "Blecch!")
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 10:26 PM on March 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


So if you record a teledildonics session with someone and replay it after they've passed away, does that count as necrophilia?

Also, this is going to take revenge porn to a whole new level.
posted by XMLicious at 10:54 PM on March 28, 2013


If this is open source it's going to take the "forking someone's repo" jokes to a new level.
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 12:40 AM on March 29, 2013


Seriously. I mean, this is a dongle you can actually fuck.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 12:52 AM on March 29, 2013


Did a little more searching for video of this...
(NSFW) OMG. They are actually going there.
posted by markkraft at 1:03 AM on March 29, 2013


I predict a meme of those RealTouch™ "Feel it happen!" overlays on top of unrelated imagery à la the Brazzers thing.
posted by lucidium at 3:51 AM on March 29, 2013


Explaining why your corporate laptop has this particular USB driver on it is gonna be a whole heap of awkward ...
posted by scruss at 4:49 AM on March 29, 2013


Having just watched the video with sound effects.... Nothing that makes those sounds is going anywhere near my junk until I feel ready to be the father to great Cthulhu.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 6:10 AM on March 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Distressingly, a lot of people refuse to buy the gorgeous, sleekly designed toys because they can't work out what they're supposed to do with them. Whereas a big pink wang or teratogenic boob fuck beast...well, you can work that shit out from first principles, now can't you?
posted by Jilder at 7:41 AM on March 29, 2013


Explaining why your corporate laptop has this particular USB driver on it is gonna be a whole heap of awkward ...

See, my laptop was naked, and it fell, and the USB device just happened to get all up in its port. Million to one, doc!
posted by zippy at 8:15 AM on March 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


So, with the Joystick live feed feature over the internet, you know what I'm thinking? Chinese inmate blowjob farms. They'll make 'em farm gold for WoW, you think they won't make them do this?
posted by kafziel at 1:59 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


teratogenic boob fuck beast...well, you can work that shit out from first principles, now can't you?

Stand on a chair and shriek?
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:17 PM on March 29, 2013 [3 favorites]




EmpressCallipygos: Okay, we need someone with much, much better design sense working in this industry, for BOTH genders.

Either I skimmed over it, or no one has linked to Scary Sex Toy Friday yet.
It's not been updated for a year, but the first page has The Sac Chop... and there's a pogo-stick and... on it goes. NSFW obviously.
posted by Mezentian at 7:13 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


....I'm not sure whether I should thank you for that link or go boil myself.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


If you want to be boiled* there are all sorts of people with that fetish.

But, don't go.
Planet Metafilter needs you.


(* Does anyone like the human league?)
posted by Mezentian at 1:42 AM on March 30, 2013


sonascope: "IMy hands won't run out of charge, are always within a few feet of me for any masturbation emergency that might come up, and can be fully immersed for cleaning without risk of electrocution. What's the point of this thing? "

There are several obvious markets for toys like this: The assorted disabled who can't use their hand; those who seek novelty; the LDR relationship possibilities of good teledildonics are huge; and the potential passiveness of it.

wemayfreeze: "I give it a year before a Kickstarter comes along that completely revolutionizes this space. Product features:

Usable with condoms for easy cleanup
"

I can understand easy clean but anything that requires condoms while masturbating is going to be a non starter for most people. And you'd still have to clean the device itself because I can't imagine any toy being permanently lubricated.

Nomyte: "
It was tested on animals. (Not a cruelty-free device.)
"

Saving all those poor bastards who have to manually masturbate livestock for the purposes of artificial insemination.
posted by Mitheral at 11:50 AM on March 31, 2013


I can understand easy clean but anything that requires condoms while masturbating is going to be a non starter for most people.

On the contrary - a lot of sex toy shops actually recommend using condoms with toys precisely for the ease-of-cleanup purpose.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:30 PM on March 31, 2013


teratogenic boob fuck beast

What's the CR on that?
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:32 PM on March 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


I can see that for female toys; male toys not so much.
posted by Mitheral at 12:50 PM on March 31, 2013


"My hands won't run out of charge, are always within a few feet of me for any masturbation emergency that might come up, and can be fully immersed for cleaning without risk of electrocution. What's the point of this thing? "

It's been said that marriage is like Playboy with the same centerfold every month.

Surely your hands are similar. Variation is good.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:12 PM on March 31, 2013


I can see [condoms] for female toys; male toys not so much.

Wait, were people suggesting condom use for male toys? I hadn't seen that. I think the people in here alluding to condom use for easy cleanup were talking just about female toys like dildos, right?

Also - a more general question: is "teledildonics" seriously a real word?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:12 PM on March 31, 2013


Also - a more general question: is "teledildonics" seriously a real word?

Since 1975.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:32 PM on March 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


wemayfreeze's proposed kickstarter applefication of this product, which my initial comment was a response to, talks about it being usable with a condom. I guess they could have had a toy without an orifice in mind but that wasn't my read.
posted by Mitheral at 2:05 PM on March 31, 2013


"My hands won't run out of charge, are always within a few feet of me for any masturbation emergency that might come up, and can be fully immersed for cleaning without risk of electrocution. What's the point of this thing?"

I have female partners who are -- thankfully -- surprisingly sex positive... which is good, because though I tend to be supportive of sex toys for females, I used to have the same attitude regarding sex toys for men, and couldn't really justify the cost... until one of my partners surprised me by buying me a highly rated fleshlight-like device.

Well, all I can say is that it can and does, indeed, feel better than using your hand, especially when warmed in hot water ahead of time. More like a vagina than not. And I have no doubt that this device could feel even more like sex with a female, assuming it's in good operating condition.

However, there are potential risks, issues regarding how long it won't last, and the whole idea of being forced to buy or rent rather mainstream porn videos -- most with rather mainstream porn stars -- in order to get it to operate sucks. (That, plus the rather high price.)

Oh, and for those curious about using a condom to make cleanup easier... well, no. You don't want to do that.

Can I use a condom with RealTouch?

Condoms should NOT be used with RealTouch as they may become entangled in the device's mechanisms and cause personal injury and/or damage the device.


So, basically, it's like a self-warming, self-lubricating belt sander for your wang... albeit one that uses some sort of "real skin" soft rubberized material, which feels pretty good with lubricant, until such point as it starts to shed bits of rubber and fall apart.

Thankfully, I'm very fortunate to have a lovely, rather openminded sex kitten for a partner. *AND* she's self-cleaning, too!
posted by markkraft at 4:03 PM on March 31, 2013


markkraft the annoying sounds are the first alert that the durability wouldn't be there either; those are the sounds of cheap injection molded plastic parts rotating on pins instead of proper bearings. I would have guessed it wouldn't last long with anything resembling enthusiastic use.

Moving belts are a maintenance replacement item even when they're made of the most durable flexible materials available, not rubber selected for its tactile characteristics. RealTouch probably points the way toward the future of masturbation the way AltaVista pointed the way toward the future of web search. Great concept, but not the killer execution example.
posted by localroger at 4:30 PM on March 31, 2013


You want the kind of precision-machined durability and reliability that will make your masturbation machine into a family heirloom.
posted by XMLicious at 5:22 PM on March 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


I hate to do this, but it has to be done:

Metafilter: a self-warming, self-lubricating belt sander for your wang
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:20 PM on March 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


(I didn't really hate doing that)
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:21 PM on March 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


You want the kind of precision-machined durability and reliability that will make your masturbation machine into a family heirloom.

Although if you get too attached to it you may never get around to the family part.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:23 PM on March 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


And if you get attached to it, you might not get out of the masturbation part.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 10:05 PM on April 2, 2013






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