"The only one used on official world tournaments. Don't settle for less"
April 5, 2013 3:04 PM   Subscribe

"It's become a tradition among Amazon users: Find the stupidest products for sale on the site, and write sarcastically glowing reviews of them. The examples are legendary: the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt, of course, and also Bic for Her pens. Now, the latest idiotic product to get a ceremonial roasting is the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, a little plastic gizmo that lets you "slice an entire banana with one quick motion." Universally panned as something completely unnecessary, the product is thus being faux-celebrated as a milestone of human invention." posted by zarq (99 comments total) 53 users marked this as a favorite
 
Also: How to Avoid Huge Ships.
posted by Iridic at 3:07 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Iridic: "Also: How to Avoid Huge Ships."
1,760 of 1,814 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars TOO Informative.
Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.
Published on December 25, 2010 by Dan
:D
posted by zarq at 3:09 PM on April 5, 2013 [20 favorites]




"I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 3:13 PM on April 5, 2013 [20 favorites]


justsomebody, that issue has already been addressed in the comments: "I had the same issue. Contact the manufacturer for the Australian version. It curves from right to left."
posted by oulipian at 3:17 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


1,760 of 1,814 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars TOO Informative.
Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn't find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.


This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.”
posted by griphus at 3:17 PM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Also:
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz:
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.
The whole review is marvelous.
posted by zarq at 3:18 PM on April 5, 2013 [24 favorites]


Don't miss the "customer images" for the Tuscan milk.
posted by oulipian at 3:20 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


"There is no way to tell if this is a standard or metric banana slicer. Additional markings on it would help greatly."
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:21 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


More than a pealing.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:23 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


God, I love these posts so much.
posted by windykites at 3:25 PM on April 5, 2013






"A Million Random Digits With 100,000 Normal Deviates" is the best.

"Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it's a shame they didn't sort them, to make it easier to find the one you're looking for. "
posted by zoetrope at 3:27 PM on April 5, 2013 [8 favorites]




Uranium Ore!
11,385 of 11,601 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Great Product, Poor Packaging,
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
- May 14, 2009 By Patrick J. McGovern "Procrastinating Evil Sci... (Hollowed Out Volcano Lair)
posted by zarq at 3:29 PM on April 5, 2013 [16 favorites]


Another glowing review.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:30 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Previously.
posted by Emera Gratia at 3:31 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Arrrgh!
posted by zarq at 3:32 PM on April 5, 2013


Previously
posted by notme at 3:32 PM on April 5, 2013


Different banana.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:33 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yes, I want a banana slicer now.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:35 PM on April 5, 2013


AMSCAN White Face Paint:
My kids didn't want to clean and I needed a quick solution. I bought this face paint and applied it exactly as in the example photo on the package. Then I grabbed a pitchfork and dashed into my kids' rooms yelling "CLEAN THE HOUSE CLEAN THE HOUSE CLEAN THE @#$^ HOUSE!!!"

It worked.
posted by indubitable at 3:36 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


DVD Rewinder.
 
posted by Herodios at 3:38 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


No more throwing bananas at the ceiling fan for me! This product has saved me the work of peeling the banana slices off the wall after the fan slices them. Thanks, banana slicer!
posted by double block and bleed at 3:38 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Well, in fairness, he provided more links.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:41 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


St. Alia of the Bunnies: "Well, in fairness, he provided more links."

LOL It's okay. I flagged it. :)

This has been a fun thread, though.
posted by zarq at 3:42 PM on April 5, 2013


omg does anyone have an animated gif of the inevitable late night infomercial for this thing?
posted by indubitable at 3:42 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


we need an animated gif of someone failing to slice a banana the "old way".
posted by The Whelk at 3:43 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


whoa, great minds.
posted by The Whelk at 3:43 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I dunno. It's just as funny the second time around.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:43 PM on April 5, 2013


I hate to think of this post getting cut... sliced out of the daily feed.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 3:44 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


"A Million Random Digits With 100,000 Normal Deviates" is the best.

So, I downloaded the .pdf of that when I saw it somewhere. I also own a sliderule. That probably tells you all you need to know about me.
posted by benito.strauss at 3:45 PM on April 5, 2013


the Land Tank
posted by Ironmouth at 3:47 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


I can't help but think that the people who buy watches like this, don't buy them from Amazon. I could be wrong though.
posted by A Bad Catholic at 3:54 PM on April 5, 2013


Ooo it's on sale!
posted by The Whelk at 3:55 PM on April 5, 2013


Is this product endorsed by Kirk Cameron?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:00 PM on April 5, 2013


The Whelk: "we need an animated gif of someone failing to slice a banana the "old way"."

THANKS OBAMA
posted by boo_radley at 4:04 PM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Yes, I want a banana slicer now.

Are you willing to appear in the infomercial? There may be some stunt work,

*BB attempts to cut banana, loses grip on knife and starts to juggle it around in an attempt to catch it, has finger cut off, engages in panic stricken defenestration.*

There has to be a better way!
posted by Drinky Die at 4:16 PM on April 5, 2013


I don't think the door stopper method would work, since it's probably a good enough tool to slice a banana.
posted by Drinky Die at 4:17 PM on April 5, 2013


I've found that my chainsaw makes short work of banana slicing.
posted by double block and bleed at 4:21 PM on April 5, 2013


This thing is a day late and a dollar short. I just dug around some old boxes in the basement and found my 1970s-era "Inside-The-Peel Banana Slicer" from Ronco. The banana stays intact on the outside but it falls into slices when you peel it. Perfect for kids' lunches!
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:23 PM on April 5, 2013


Thanks to MetaTalk, I have learned that a mysterious person is sending these banana slicers to librarians.
posted by beryllium at 4:26 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


At some point during the commercial the bananna should just burst into flames.
posted by The Whelk at 4:26 PM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Actually, I recall that the Bingo Card Creator guy was one of the most prolific contributors to Hacker News, and had a ridiculous amount of information on Internet businesses.
posted by curuinor at 4:27 PM on April 5, 2013


I saw this jpeg the other day of an awesome NyQuil review as written by Proust. Though I couldn't find it on Amazon.
posted by Toekneesan at 4:32 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wow, with this device the banana is no longer this atheist's nightmare!
posted by dobbs at 4:40 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've always enjoyed the $500 Ethernet cable for audiophiles.
posted by dragoon at 4:40 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


dragoon: I've always enjoyed the $500 Ethernet cable for audiophiles.
1 new from $9,999.00
And the guy has the nerve to charge $4.99 shipping.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 4:44 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Or you could just peel the banana and wind dental floss around it in a spiral, then hold both ends of the floss in one hand and snap it hard with a flick of the wrist.
posted by George_Spiggott at 4:46 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


also previously: the ferret beret
posted by changeling at 4:59 PM on April 5, 2013


Then there's the reviews of
Avery binders
, off of Romney's binders full of women remark:
posted by etaoin at 5:01 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


It is fun to see the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section for these items.

I'm a little worried that customers who bought the Uranium Ore also bought aluminum powder and red iron oxide (which, I think, are used to make explosives), and also canned unicorn meat, which only makes me more worried.
posted by eye of newt at 5:05 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


And the guy has the nerve to charge $4.99 shipping.

What, you want him to lose money on this? It's because prices are already cut to the bone.
posted by jaduncan at 5:07 PM on April 5, 2013


See also: The Worst Things For Sale, a collection of Amazon's most pointless products. Consistently hilarious as all fuck.

(Previously)
posted by schmod at 5:08 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


The Secret's review is pretty much my all time favorite.
posted by daninnj at 5:11 PM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon Drum!

Now just $1,228.85!
posted by homunculus at 5:22 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


My boyfriend's father owns the Three Wolf Moon shirt and wears it unironically. It's very hard for me not to laugh -- or indeed to maintain eye contact -- with him when he's wearing the shirt.
posted by pxe2000 at 5:40 PM on April 5, 2013


This is the best thing since sliced bread!

Also, the ProBread Slice-O-Matic will be available soon at an Amazon near you.

Buy two. One for you, and one for that someone special.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:40 PM on April 5, 2013


My friends, let us all just take a moment once again to doff our hats in awestruck memory of the great, great Henry Raddick, Amazon reviewer extraordinaire.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:41 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's very hard for me not to laugh -- or indeed to maintain eye contact -- with him when he's wearing the shirt.

It's a nervous laugh and intense attraction because of his wild and animal nature, right? I mean...THREE WOLVES and a man with taste like that inside. I'd be hard pressed to control myself.
posted by jaduncan at 5:43 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Veet for Men Hair Removal Cream. I'm almost positive you'll discover at least one new nickname for male genitals
posted by bendy at 5:45 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Reminds me of the reviews for the recipe for boiling salted water at Epicurious.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:46 PM on April 5, 2013


My boyfriend's father owns the Three Wolf Moon shirt and wears it unironically.

You should get him one of these.
posted by homunculus at 5:54 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I never got the Three Wolves thing; growing up in a rural place and now living in a slightly less rural place, they're just too familiar to provoke any sort of reaction other than 'Seriously, you're wearing that for Midnight Mass/picture day/Grandpa's funeral?'
Now I find myself on the outside once again, thinking 'That slicer could really help me achieve the uniform banana slice width that has been eluding me all these years, as well as avoid that weird frisson I experience whenever I have to touch that uncomfortably firm yet yielding banana flesh and get cloying banana smell on my fingers.'
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:55 PM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Alvy, I think I brought this up once in a similar thread on the Blue, but my father has hand tremors and the banana slicer would let him cut a banana into slices without accidentally cutting himself or just getting super frustrated, because even with a butter knife it's pretty challenging for him.

Some of the "duh!" things make more sense when you consider people with disabilities.
posted by sweetkid at 6:06 PM on April 5, 2013 [15 favorites]


At one of my local shopping malls, they have a store called As Seen On TV, where they only sell products from infomercials. The only reason I know that this store exists is that I noticed it one time when I was at the mall.

Why doesn't As Seen On TV advertise on TV?

Seems like a no brainer.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:06 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why doesn't As Seen On TV advertise on TV?

Presumably because not all that many people want to buy things just because they were featured on a TV program. That said, I'm sure there's a future coming up where I can pause the screen and purchase something via the cable company/video site.
posted by jaduncan at 6:12 PM on April 5, 2013


A banana slicer seems like it would save time and effort. I don't get why it's inherently funny.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:26 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


That said, I'm sure there's a future coming up where I can pause the screen and purchase something via the cable company/video site.


They already do something like that for movies... On Comcast a box will show up during the ad for a movie on PPV and you can press OK to buy it.
posted by daninnj at 6:28 PM on April 5, 2013


A few weeks ago we had a vacuum cleaner salesman demonstrate his product in our home.

This guy was going door to door, trying to sell a rather expensive vacuum cleaner, so we let him in, to do his pitch. He vacuumed different parts of our home, and showed us how much dirt accumulated on the filter, and talked about the health benefits of a clean home and how the financing for this expensive cleaner was really quite affordable, when you factor in the long-term benefits.

We didn't buy the vacuum. And I spent most of his presentation thinking "wow! This is old-timey salesmanship!"

Gone are the door to door encyclopedia salesmen, the Fuller Brush men, the Tupperware and Avon ladies, the cobbler and the knife-sharpener.

Instead, I can't go out my door, at least my Internet door, without meeting all of these strange characters again, in bodyless digital form.

I'm still not buying.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:31 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Story about Ping.
posted by SillyShepherd at 6:45 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


What we need is a tipping culture for door to door salespeople, at least if you let them in. If they are putting on a personal show, they deserve something from ya.
posted by Drinky Die at 6:57 PM on April 5, 2013


A banana slicer seems like it would save time and effort. I don't get why it's inherently funny

It only actually saves time if you're slicing at least four of them (for purposes of drying them, for example). Otherwise the washing time is excessive if you actually want it clean.
posted by rr at 7:00 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Story about Ping.
PING! The magic duck!
Using deft allegory, the authors have provided an insightful and intuitive explanation of one of Unix's most venerable networking utilities. Even more stunning is that they were clearly working with a very early beta of the program, as their book first appeared in 1933, years (decades!) before the operating system and network infrastructure were finalized.
There was a MeFi post about a site that archived some of these sort of reviews, as some products and reviews disappear if they're too ridiculous. The site itself has since disappeared, ironically enough. But Archive.org remembers, and from that, here's the reviews of Gen. JC Christian, patriot.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:01 PM on April 5, 2013


All humans, even smart ones, have niches of incompetence. If somebody really has trouble with slicing bananas, then yeah give them a better tool for it and it will make their lives easier.

I can't cook rice. It's not really that hard, but no matter what I did on the stove it turned out crappy so I got an expensive computerized Japanese rice cooker and never in my life again will I have to worry about the rice when I'm cooking.
posted by Drinky Die at 7:03 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know, thanks to these reviews of "Looking For...the Best of David Hasselhoff" I understand that the song Hot Shot City is particularly good.
posted by peagood at 7:15 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am currently wearing my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. Actually, the quality of the shirt is pretty good. I've received compliments about it. The longer I wear it, it feels less ironic than iconic.
posted by SPrintF at 7:28 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


The REVK (20% off! Only one left in stock!)

Art of Dog
posted by eye of newt at 7:34 PM on April 5, 2013


The 120293-0001REVK seems to have a Facebook, Blogspot, and Wordpress page. Looks like someone's having a little fun.

The best part of looking at things like this on Amazon is that it really messes up their algorithms. I now get the weirdest things in Amazon's "Customers Who Bought Items in Your Recent History Also Bought" section.
posted by eye of newt at 7:55 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]




Oh, I was going to Like that 120293-0001REVK fb page (it'd be probably the 3rd 'page'I'd ever liked) but it gave off such an overwhelming sense of algorithmically-generated SEO I just couldn't. I mean, I *assume* at least the WP site wasn't human-created.. . I suppose it sorta makes sense to scrape Amazon for ridiculously-expensive things, then claim to have (or be) them, because if you can sell *one* to anybody, it makes it worth the 'effort'.

Personally, though, if I was in the market for a 120293-0001REVK, I'd probably rather buy it from horse_ebooks, because at least he's *trying*, right?
posted by hap_hazard at 8:47 PM on April 5, 2013


My eternal favorite is the 55-gallon barrel of personal lubricant.
posted by yellowcandy at 9:42 PM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Amazon served me a suggestion for a glow-in-the-dark breathing device intended for use during the oral stimulation of one's lady friend (link is probably NSFAnything) the other day through the 'People Who Bought That, Bought This' section after I bought an Excel 2007 VBA book.

I had no idea amazon thought I was such a dasher with the ladies that I could woo them with Excel into my silken toils of lust and option explicit-ness.
posted by winna at 10:56 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]






Fire Safety Design in Buildings : A Reference for Applying the National Building Code of Canada Fire Safety Requirements in Building Design [Unknown Binding]. 1 used from $759,780,006,384,409.88

Which is ridiculous, because it's barely worth $600 trillion.

(Actually, it's selling for 154 times the value of all of the houses in Canada combined; using the 2011 Census and the national average house price, the total is just under $5 trillion.)
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 4:38 AM on April 6, 2013




What we need is a tipping culture for door to door salespeople, at least if you let them in. If they are putting on a personal show, they deserve something from ya.

On the contrary -- the more time you spend wasting their time, the less of everyone else's time they'll have the opportunity to waste.

Think of it like a public service or a form of paying it forward for all the busy people working at home. And as a motivational intervention aimed at helping the door-to-door salesperson to find a more honourable and less antisocial way of making a living.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:18 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


They aren't breaking into houses to do their pitch, you can avoid time wasting by saying, "Not interested, thank you," when they knock on the door.
posted by Drinky Die at 7:28 AM on April 6, 2013


Honestly, how much of the goods we produce and the services we provide serve any real purpose, and how much of it exists solely because there's a shit-ton of people out there who all need some way to participate in the economic system?

I mean I don't know you, but take a look at your job and ask yourself if there would be any real consequences if it just wasn't done. Not that you didn't do it, but nobody did. Would there be any real impact at all apart from you not having any money? I know my work wouldn't be missed if no one was doing it.

As discussed last week, blue collar people have welfare in the form of the disability system. White collar people have welfare in the form of meaningless bureaucratic jobs (and the joint strike fighter), and every so often someone decides to create something pointless that nobody was asking for, like a banana slicer or the cue cat or the Ginsu knife.
posted by Naberius at 7:49 AM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


My eternal favorite is the 55-gallon barrel of personal lubricant.
posted by yellowcandy at 12:42 AM on April 6 [3 favorites +] [!]


Customers that views this item also viewed
:

An open air cinema theatre system
Procrastinator Wall Clock (lazy slacker gift)
A foosball coffee table
Ninja Grappling Hook
Liquid Image Video Camera Goggles
Mutewatch in Poppy Red
The Souffle Cookbook

I am putting them all together in my head, along with the 55-gallon barrel of personal lubricant, and getting quite a picture.
posted by peagood at 7:51 AM on April 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


I like to take categories and sort by price to find the most expensive item. In books, it's currently:

Price now reads $124.99; thus invalidating the three sarcastic reviews from March 31st and April 1st.
posted by dgaicun at 10:23 AM on April 6, 2013


"A Million Random Digits With 100,000 Normal Deviates" is the best.

“Once you've read it from start to finish, you can go back and read it in a different order, and it will make just as much sense as your original read!
posted by T.D. Strange at 12:32 PM on April 6, 2013


I did this review for my son's Radio Flyer Pathfinder Wagon and yes, it's actually a true story.
posted by echolalia67 at 12:42 PM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


They aren't breaking into houses to do their pitch, you can avoid time wasting by saying, "Not interested, thank you," when they knock on the door.

How does that avoid wasting my time? I have to get up from what I'm doing and inevitably will lose my concentration.

If I want to buy something from you, I'll find you. If your product is so shit that you've got to come hammering on the doors of old ladies and slow-witted simpletons to try and shift it, find another job -- preferably something more honourable and with higher status like declawing cats.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:19 PM on April 6, 2013


aluminum powder and red iron oxide (which, I think, are used to make explosives

Powdered aluminum and iron (III) oxide together makes thermite, which is not technically an explosive.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 2:30 PM on April 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


eye of newt: "The best part of looking at things like this on Amazon is that it really messes up their algorithms. I now get the weirdest things in Amazon's "Customers Who Bought Items in Your Recent History Also Bought" section."

Yeah, I regrettably clicked on one of the links from schmod's post and had to delete Thai Hookers 101 from my Amazon history. (But I will never be able to delete the ick I got from reading the comments)

Amazon also helpfully recommended some Thailand guidebooks, you know, so I could start brainstorming how to spend the rest of my time in Thailand.
posted by imalaowai at 3:14 PM on April 6, 2013


http://www.amazon.com/review/R31ODKA03KXQ3P/ref=cm_cr_pr_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0870334336&linkCode=&nodeID=&tag=#wasThisHelpful

"Avoiding huge ships is very straightforward. All you need is a Hutzler 571 banana slicer..."
posted by windykites at 3:32 AM on April 7, 2013


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