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Nelson Van Alden FTW
April 22, 2013 1:28 PM   Subscribe


 
....and thaaaat has just confirmed that Michael Shannon scares the pee out of me.
posted by Kitteh at 1:34 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


The strange thing is I can totally see Van Alden saying all of this sincerely.
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Transcript for those that might want it.
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:39 PM on April 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Somebody sent me a link to the Barbie doll rendition of the letter, and to be honest I was kind of dumbfounded. Not from outrage, you see, but confusion.

I listened to the monologue for about 1:30 and I felt like I was having a stroke. The words didn't make sense. It didn't even sound like English. It was as if she was speaking in some kind of ancient Lovecraftian Deathtongue which my human ears could only interpret as repeated utterances of the word "cuntpunt".

Are all sorority sisters really Eldrich cultists? You be the judge.
posted by Avenger at 1:42 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wow.

I came in here to ask that we not use the word "insane" so lightly, but then I read the letter.

Speaking as someone who suffers from an occasionally massively debilitating mental illness -- that young woman needs help, pronto.
posted by tzikeh at 1:44 PM on April 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


i love him for doing this
posted by neuromodulator at 1:45 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Not such a fan of how the letter writer's name is being fired about the Internet right now. She doesn't seem like the sort of person who'd react well to that kind of stress. And it's not like she published this with public intent.

That said, this letter is fantastic and hilarious and I'm liking this reading as well.
posted by Rory Marinich at 1:48 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


I have to give props to the original author of the letter because in the world of profanity-laced tirades, it was exceptional. I mean, professional writers and investment banking CEOs would have a tough time keeping up with that sister.
posted by GuyZero at 1:48 PM on April 22, 2013 [51 favorites]


I'm not sure why the original email made me laugh so hard. Maybe it's some sort of internalized guilt that I've been this angry over stupid things before, and I'm just grateful I never put my irrational rage in an email and hit "send" in a way that wound up outing me at my craziest. I don't know, but it is some funny, funny stuff. And this dramatic reenactment is brilliant, and I hope we get more.

I'm off to google the "link to the Barbie doll rendition of the letter," with tremendous glee!

P.S. Lots of people in the comment section want to see Christopher Walken do a rendition, but I say let's get Meryl Streep!!!! Can you imagine!? The perfect slow burn, the fiery (sincere) rage, and the nuanced emotion in between?? Must. See. Please.
posted by MoxieProxy at 1:49 PM on April 22, 2013 [13 favorites]


She doesn't seem like the sort of person who'd react well to that kind of stress.

She doesn't seem to be the kind of person who reacts well to anything. But there's no great art without great suffering.
posted by GuyZero at 1:49 PM on April 22, 2013 [31 favorites]


See also: Crappy Tweets From the Deranged Sorority Girl's Deleted Twitter Account [Jezebel]
the internet: norms enforcement machine

fucking tackier than the letter itself through sheer numbers alone, fuck gawker
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 1:53 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Alison Haisliip sold Cunt Punt better
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:53 PM on April 22, 2013 [14 favorites]


although personality-wise, i can see her being part of 'weirde twittr' so maybe this will actually help her career
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 1:54 PM on April 22, 2013


I'd like to see Sir Ian McKellen's rendition.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:57 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Meanwhile, here's Alison Haislip's (from G4's Attack of the Show and probably other stuff) version.

Anyways, I really, really like this letter. It's getting up to some Mamet-level shit.
posted by mhum at 1:58 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, a friend of mine just said, "That sorority girl is actually David Mamet in disguise."

With the level of insane intensity Michael Shannon brings to every role he's in, they really couldn't have picked a better General Zod. Dang.
posted by Kitteh at 1:59 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


I didn't think I could possibly like Michael Shannon more than I do, but I was wrong.
posted by MoonOrb at 2:00 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


Actually, I think Sigma Nu would like a sorority that sucks.
posted by telstar at 2:02 PM on April 22, 2013 [8 favorites]


Yeah, a friend of mine just said, "That sorority girl is actually David Mamet in disguise."

Put that cosmopolitan down. Cosmos are for sisters only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.
posted by dephlogisticated at 2:03 PM on April 22, 2013 [37 favorites]


God this is hilarious. I am so happy that I am not of an age or temperament where which frat/sorority I hang out with after a football game is of paramount importance in my life.
posted by Justinian at 2:03 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I need an alarm clock of Michael Shannon yelling at me to be a better person.
posted by The Whelk at 2:03 PM on April 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


Yes Sir! Ma'am? I won't let the sorority down! This is so confusing.


"...they really couldn't have picked a better General Zod."

Wait, really? That's awesome! He's perfect for the role.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:04 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh dear god, Shannon is amazing. I'm having a hard time not bursting into laughter here in my cube.
posted by octothorpe at 2:06 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


The University of Maryland makes it to the front page twice in one day. Nice.
posted by codacorolla at 2:07 PM on April 22, 2013


To be fair, talking about post-gaming at other frats in front of Sigma Nu brothers is a little gauche.
posted by Flashman at 2:07 PM on April 22, 2013 [10 favorites]


Oh and if you haven't seen Take Shelter yet, go see it right now.
posted by octothorpe at 2:08 PM on April 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


I would like to see Parker Posey have a go at this. Also possibly Jane Lynch. Jane Lynch is good at quiet unhinged menace. But that Alison person's rendition was pretty good.
posted by Diablevert at 2:08 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK,

I thought this was the whole point of sorority relations.
posted by benzenedream at 2:10 PM on April 22, 2013 [5 favorites]



No, you know who would be incredible reading this?

ALAN FUCKING RICKMAN.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:11 PM on April 22, 2013 [31 favorites]


Oh and if you haven't seen Take Shelter yet, go see it right now.

^THIS^

I'm telling friends who are like, "Who is this guy???" to go watch that ASAP.
posted by Kitteh at 2:12 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


No, you know who would be incredible reading this?

Lucy Liu with a Yakuza boss's head rolling at her feet?
posted by Think_Long at 2:14 PM on April 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


ALAN FUCKING RICKMAN.

I would also accept GARY FUCKING OLDMAN.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:15 PM on April 22, 2013 [10 favorites]


These celebrity-reader nominations count, right? Because I'm nominating Jessica Walter so hard that I'm going to start a Super PAC.
posted by Room 641-A at 2:15 PM on April 22, 2013 [12 favorites]


Yeah, Take Shelter was awesome. For those of you who were fans of that movie, and of Jeff Nichols (who also directed Shannon in Shotgun Stories), his latest, Mud, comes out soon. Shannon apparently only has a small role.

The scene in Take Shelter where he melts down at the community dinner is pretty incredible.
posted by MoonOrb at 2:21 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


See I really want to see Bill Macy's take on it. No one knows Mamet better and I think he'd get creative with it.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:22 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


I have to give props to the original author of the letter because in the world of profanity-laced tirades, it was exceptional. I mean, professional writers and investment banking CEOs would have a tough time keeping up with that sister.

I completely agree, if for no other reason than I learned the term "cunt punt" from it.
posted by vibrotronica at 2:23 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


He gives an intense performance in Take Shelter for sure, but it's not a totally successful movie; the payoff is chilling but to me the film felt incomplete and a bit disappointing. But yeah, worth seeing for Shannon's performance alone.
posted by mediareport at 2:24 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Put that cosmopolitan down. Cosmos are for sisters only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.

Oh my god. Is there any way they could get Alec Baldwin to recite this letter to Al Pacino, Ed Harris, and Alan Arkin in a dimly-lit real estate office?
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 2:27 PM on April 22, 2013 [12 favorites]


No, you know who would be incredible reading this?

ALAN FUCKING RICKMAN

I think I just wet my pants.
posted by etaoin at 2:28 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


I just know Shannon as the really intense Prohibition Agent on Boardwalk Empire.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:30 PM on April 22, 2013


I think everyone's had at least a few moments in their lives when they've been on the verge of an outburst like this. I know I have. And so, I owe the author of this letter a beer for the vicarious pleasure I'm getting from reading this.
posted by LMGM at 2:30 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


I have to give props to the original author of the letter because in the world of profanity-laced tirades, it was exceptional.

It's a great flame, for damn sure.

And I cannot see the phrase CUNT PUNT without giggling in transgressive glee.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:31 PM on April 22, 2013


What is a cunt punt anyway? I am thinking some sort of small river-going vessel for ferrying prostitutes up and down the Thames.
posted by Dr Dracator at 2:39 PM on April 22, 2013 [12 favorites]


I was thinking more of the long, graceful kick that an American football punter sends the ball along with.
posted by mr. digits at 2:41 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you want to add to your transgressive glee, search for it on youtube...
posted by knapah at 2:42 PM on April 22, 2013


I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with the Alison Haislip. Her authenticity and body language leave Michael Shannon in the dust.
posted by hwestiii at 2:45 PM on April 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Michael Shannon is, of course, the young bridegroom from Groundhog's Day.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 2:46 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Can someone explain why the mixer is so important? Greek life is a big ole mystery to me.
posted by griphus at 2:50 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh and if you haven't seen Take Shelter yet, go see it right now.

I believe what octothorpe meant to say was, "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING SEEN TAKE SHELTER YET?? WHAT FUCKING KIND OF LOSER ASS HAT ARE YOU? TELL ME YOUR ADDRESS RIGHT FUCKING NOW SO I CAN COME OVER AND PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!!!111!!!!"
posted by soundguy99 at 2:52 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also I have the exact same reaction as LMGM to that letter.
posted by griphus at 2:53 PM on April 22, 2013


I was not expecting much, but then I watched. Crying. Crying from laughter.

She is the true heir of Jean Shepherd's dad. Her tapestry of profanity will hang in the air forever, shimmering, thanks to the internets. It surpasses anger and drills straight down to a deep, encompassing rage that is awe-inspiring to witness.

I salute her.
posted by emjaybee at 2:53 PM on April 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


Put that cosmopolitan down. Cosmos are for sisters only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.

A.B.C....A: Always; B: Be; C: Cunt-punting. Always Be Cunt-punting. ALWAYS. BE. CUNT-PUNTING.
posted by rhizome at 2:54 PM on April 22, 2013 [30 favorites]


Probably a better advert for "Man of Steel" than the most recent trailer.
posted by John Shaft at 2:56 PM on April 22, 2013


While the rest of this will blow over as normal, I believe that "cunt punt" is here to stay.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:56 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't understand the point of the mixer either, but what makes me laugh about this is that I'm pretty sure the author, while entirely emotionally unhinged about the situation, is also kind of in the right.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:01 PM on April 22, 2013 [19 favorites]


How about Bill Shatner as Captain Kirk doing a reading?
posted by Splunge at 3:05 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


What is a cunt punt anyway?

$20 SAIT
posted by Navelgazer at 3:05 PM on April 22, 2013 [16 favorites]


Insane? Really?

I have to believe that anyone who volunteered against their better judgement in some kind of social organization role in college empathizes with this letter. Sending letters like this is really a form of hazing ("rituals and other activities involving harassment, abuse or humiliation used as a way of initiating a person into a group"). It's using verbal abuse and humiliation to teach the social norms of the dorm and to form a cohesive unit by breaking down people's egos or whatever.

TL;DR Alison Haislip FTW.
posted by muddgirl at 3:08 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


I wonder how many girls showed up at the event that night.
posted by onlyconnect at 3:08 PM on April 22, 2013


My guess is they all just went to their post-gaming early.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:09 PM on April 22, 2013


A, always. B, be. C, conforming.
posted by prefpara at 3:11 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't understand the point of the mixer either, but what makes me laugh about this is that I'm pretty sure the author, while entirely emotionally unhinged about the situation, is also kind of in the right.

Thank you, Navalgazer, for pinpointing exactly the factor that makes the whole thing sublime. I couldn't quite articulate it to myself but that's exactly it. There's a quality to it like one of those face/vase illusions, where you're completely laughing at her unhinged Neidermeyer routine, and then you have these little flickers of being like, actually, standing around a party your partner organisation. Is throwing and bitching about how lame it is and how you're going to ditch as soon as possible is kind if a dick move that probably makes your chapter look bad. HAVE ANY OF YOU CUNT-SUCKING COCKGOBBLERS EVER HEARD OF THE MOTHERFUCKING GOLDEN RULE?
posted by Diablevert at 3:11 PM on April 22, 2013 [16 favorites]


Paris Geller After Dark.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:12 PM on April 22, 2013 [10 favorites]


I'd like to hear Rowan Atkinson read the letter, myself.
posted by davejay at 3:19 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


cun...T pun...T
posted by davejay at 3:20 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


when i said personality-wise, i can see her being part of 'weirde twittr' i did not mean this is an ok or cool person to be
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 3:28 PM on April 22, 2013


It's a pity Thurl Ravenscroft isn't alive to read this.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:30 PM on April 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


I stand behind Jessica Walter but I'd like to add John Goodman as my back-up.
posted by Room 641-A at 3:33 PM on April 22, 2013


Michael Shannon is amazing at this, but I'd like to put in a vote for Richard E Grant. He swears so beautifully in "Withnail" and this letter, curiously, has some of the same roguish poetry.
posted by ob at 3:50 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


What is a cunt punt anyway?

Upside-down shot put.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:55 PM on April 22, 2013


Upside-down shot put.

ʇnd ʇoɥs.

Nuh-uh.
posted by Zed at 4:06 PM on April 22, 2013




It's kind of interesting to think about the different ways actors project intensity. If Christopher Walken, Charles Bronson or Alan Rickman were reading this letter, they'd probably give the impression that you'd fucked with the wrong sorority sister tonight - that is, it was unwise to make this particular person angry. But with Michael Shannon and (I imagine) Gary Oldman, it's more about wounding an authority figure. They are the living embodiment of Delta Gamma here to chastise you for your sins.
posted by Kevin Street at 4:17 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]



Can someone explain why the mixer is so important? Greek life is a big ole mystery to me.


Let me try to explain this as best I can. As background, I was once the president of my (admittedly somewhat dorky) fraternity, and would occasionally have to deal with similar situations, although never in such unhinged terms.

Fraternities and Sororities, ultimately, are businesses. For all the sex, drinking, and real or imaginary social status, what really matters in the end is a dollars and cents equation: number of members x dues = revenue. You want to have a nice frathouse to live in? That costs money. You want to throw that big party that's the talk of the campus? That costs money. You want to have insurance so that in case, god forbid, something awful happens on your watch? That costs a lot of money. Fraternities and Sororities are very expensive to operate, and one financially bad year can ruin the local chapter. (Typically the national organization comes in and restructures after a few bad years - more about that later.)

So, back to that revenue equation. There are only two ways that a Greek organization can raise more money: increase dues or increase membership. Increasing dues generally doesn't work very well. These are college students, remember? Make it too costly, and your members will simply quit the organization. So the only real solution is to maintain a high and growing membership. Of course, since about 25% of your members will graduate each year, this means that there's a constant battle to attract new members just to keep the ship afloat.

OK, so all of that said, now we get to the core of the issue. In order to attract new membership, your Fraternity or Sorority needs a strong reputation. The stronger your reputation, the easier the recruiting process is. On most campuses, there are a few elite popular houses, a few unpopular houses, and a whole load of middling houses. For the houses in the middle, some bad publicity can scare away a few potential recruits, which leads to low membership, which then adds to the poor reputation, and then you're spiraling down to the unpopular bucket, on your way to an unpleasant call from your national organization.

As I said, fraternities and sororities are businesses. Think of the individual chapters as franchises, and the national office as the corporate HQ. Normally, national checks in once in a while to make sure things are going smoothly. But if national notices a drop-off in dues, (all the chapters have to kick up some of the dues to the national office,) you're in trouble. National is watching very closely for that death-spiral; once they decide your chapter is beyond hope, they come in and pull the plug. All members are "alumni-ed" (read: kicked out), the chapter house is probably leased out for a few years to keep some income flowing, and then after you've all graduated, they start fresh with a new group.

So what's going on in this specific situation? My guess is that Delta Gamma and Sigma Nu are both in that middling category. The social chairs of the two respective organizations arranged a mixer, as it would be socially and reputationally beneficial to both organizations. (And of course, it's fun. Although some people tend to forget about that part.) However, it seems that quite a few of the ladies of Delta Gamma weren't being very social at that mixer. Rather than interact with the Sigma Nu members, they were off in the corner talking amongst themselves. And apparently some of them were not shy about their desire to go hang out with a different fraternity instead. The Sigma Nu members probably felt like the Delta Gamma ladies thought they were too good for that mixer, and felt insulted and embarrassed. There was probably an angry phone call or email from SN to DG, expressing these feelings, and most likely stating that SN would not be associating with DG in the future. SN guys now think the DG girls are stuck-up, rude, and will probably be happy to tell anyone and everyone about their experience. And that's exactly how reputations get damaged in the Greek System.
posted by Guernsey Halleck at 4:17 PM on April 22, 2013 [70 favorites]


but does anyone remember those books full of monologues for aspiring actors to practice with? - really, this deserves to be in one
posted by pyramid termite at 4:18 PM on April 22, 2013 [8 favorites]




Oddly enough, when I was in school at relatively nearby UVa, DG was the ultra-sorority and SN was so low on the totem pole they got re-colonized as Guernsey Halleck describes. SN had the most badass house too.
posted by LionIndex at 4:34 PM on April 22, 2013


One of the (several) reasons this is so enjoyable is because the Greek system is perceived to be such an appropriate target for scorn. The letter would be fun if it were in another context too, but instead of the schadenfreudesque glee some of us might feel, there would be a stronger undercurrent of discomfort, I'm guessing.

Another reason is because the way Michael Shannon delivers the cunt punt line is a delight.
posted by MoonOrb at 4:43 PM on April 22, 2013


Cunt Punting is analogous in some ways to cockblocking, but with the obvious gender reversals. To use the current context for explication: If Delta Gamma Sister alpha has tried unsuccessfully to score with Sigma Nu frat boy target 1, then as her last maneuver she delivers him as far away as possible from rivaling efforts from Delta Gamma Sister beta. Typically this is accomplished using a ploy, such as to request for target 1 to tap another keg or other occupying errand.
Please don't ask me to explain cunt touchbacks in a family weblog.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 4:51 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Please don't ask me to explain cunt touchbacks in a family weblog.

Request resolutely denied.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:57 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Speaking as someone who is a big fan of over-the-top profanity and apoplectic ranting, I must admit that although the rhythmic fuck-punctuation has its drumlike charms here, overall I am not much impressed, by the transcript at least.

Perhaps the vocal performance adds something, but.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:37 PM on April 22, 2013


I'd like to add John Goodman as my back-up.

"This is what happens when you FIGHT a SORORITY in the ALPS!!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:47 PM on April 22, 2013 [8 favorites]


The Greek system to me when I was in college just seemed ridiculous and stupid. Meatheads and OMG's live in faux-mansions and work out their Daddy/Mommy issues on each other.

But this rant and the subsequent explication of the Greek structure in this thread takes it to a new level. So shine on you, Crazy Delta, because here's what's left of your life:

You'll graduate, with some business-ready major. Barely. You'll move to some suburb and make some friends that are also business-ready, most likely at the business that hired you.

You'll learn to talk about golf and other sports if you haven't already. You'll meet someone at PJ O'Pootertoots on some random Friday night out with the girls, " OMG you guys!!! They have the chocolake cake vodka!!!" You'll eventually decide that after enough drunk sex it's time for children and make some. Probably two, whatever the magazine says is the right amount.

And twenty years from today, when you're 40 lbs. heavier and you walk in to that business (if you learned enough about golf and vodka, that is) and some new little Darlin' will be the Belle of the Ball and you'll hate her and go home and remember this day with this e-mail and realize you have no more vodka. But there's always Gentleman Jack.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:52 PM on April 22, 2013 [8 favorites]




Al Pacino wasn't in the scene because Ricky Roma isn't a loser sitting around complaining about the leads being shit; he was out closing.
posted by humanfont at 5:58 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


You know, members of social organizations are people too.
posted by bq at 6:10 PM on April 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


I have to give props to the original author of the letter because in the world of profanity-laced tirades, it was exceptional.

Wow, she may be this year's winner of the Rahm Emanuel Vocab Contest.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:35 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Speaking as someone who is a big fan of over-the-top profanity and apoplectic ranting, I must admit that although the rhythmic fuck-punctuation has its drumlike charms here, overall I am not much impressed, by the transcript at least.

Please post some examples of superoir tirades.
posted by vibrotronica at 6:53 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


This letter just re-affirms to me that some people are really nothing at all without an echo chamber telling them they're awesome.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 6:56 PM on April 22, 2013


I fondly remember my days as fraternity president when we were smart enough to deliver rants in-person at meetings, gavel in hand. Jesus, who forgot to teach the pledges to not carry the keg in sideways?
posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 7:00 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hey, also if you haven't seen him and Ashley Judd in Bug, I can't recommend it enough. It suffers a bit from the 'play made into a movie' syndrome. But still does an absolutely terrific job of turning a mental health crisis into a horror movie.
posted by lumpenprole at 7:28 PM on April 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


Not even in the same league but I couldn't resist, so here is my humble effort.
posted by h00py at 7:42 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

Well there go my plans for tonight. :(
posted by bendy at 7:58 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


lumpenprole: "Hey, also if you haven't seen him and Ashley Judd in Bug, I can't recommend it enough. It suffers a bit from the 'play made into a movie' syndrome. But still does an absolutely terrific job of turning a mental health crisis into a horror movie."

Seconded.
posted by Samizdata at 9:08 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


h00py: "Not even in the same league but I couldn't resist, so here is my humble effort."

No need for humility. It was AWESOMELY funny!
posted by Samizdata at 9:09 PM on April 22, 2013


No, you know who would be incredible reading this?

BRIAN FUCKING BLESSED!
posted by Decani at 9:56 PM on April 22, 2013 [10 favorites]


lumpenprole: "Hey, also if you haven't seen him and Ashley Judd in Bug, I can't recommend it enough. It suffers a bit from the 'play made into a movie' syndrome. But still does an absolutely terrific job of turning a mental health crisis into a horror movie."

Samizdata: "Seconded."

Whoa. It's on Netflix. Thirded.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:23 PM on April 22, 2013


Dr Dracator: "What is a cunt punt anyway? I am thinking some sort of small river-going vessel for ferrying prostitutes up and down the Thames."

I think you might be confusing it with a pimp ship, not to be confused with the unfortunate poop sloop, which can literally be smelled a mile away.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:06 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


mediareport: "He gives an intense performance in Take Shelter for sure, but it's not a totally successful movie; the payoff is chilling but to me the film felt incomplete and a bit disappointing. But yeah, worth seeing for Shannon's performance alone."

I wasn't that fond of the ending but Shannon is amazing and I think that the director Jeff Nichols is a serious talent to watch for in the future.
posted by octothorpe at 6:30 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


My God, it's full of stars.
posted by slogger at 6:37 AM on April 23, 2013


Hilarious.

Also, thanks for reminding me why I never joined a sorority. Or wanted to.
posted by kinnakeet at 8:24 AM on April 23, 2013


I might enjoy seeing R. Lee Ermey tackle this letter, too.
posted by MoonOrb at 8:31 AM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


If she gets this out of control about a sorority mixer, then they'll have to bring in the jaws of life to remove her hands from her wedding planner's neck when the center pieces are the wrong color.

This girl's future husband is in for a miserable life. He should get combat pay for having to live with her.
posted by reenum at 8:46 AM on April 23, 2013


Is it possible to cock block a cunt punt?
posted by e1c at 9:24 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


This girl's future husband is in for a miserable life. He should get combat pay for having to live with her.

Thank God that we're not all trapped as our college-aged selves for our entire lives. I guess I'd take back my abs but that's about it.
posted by GuyZero at 9:27 AM on April 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


Speaking as someone who suffers from an occasionally massively debilitating mental illness -- that young woman needs help, pronto.

She's probably like 19 or 20. Cut her some slack.

This letter just re-affirms to me that some people are really nothing at all without an echo chamber telling them they're awesome.

That's not what the letter was about. It was about sorority sisters acting in a manner unbefitting their chapter ... coming from another sister with an ... unusual and offensive (to me) worldview.

Thank God that we're not all trapped as our college-aged selves for our entire lives. I guess I'd take back my abs but that's about it.

A fucking men. I'm a little blown away that any (semi) major Internet site seriously considers this "news" ... ? Eyeballs and eyeballs, I guess...

I think the story also exposes the sad state of gender bandwagons.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:19 AM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


I saw the letter on Gawker and kept waiting for typos and misspellings.

I have to say that the utter lack of those things really confuses me for some reason. Like perhaps it's not just an incoherent rant because it seems kinda coherent. And she really gets her points across with appropriate punctuation and use of caps. It's not like the whole thing was caps or she just randomly does it. It's kind of a well written diatribe given her subject.

But I agree with whoever said they want to see Parker Posey and Merryl Streep read this. How do we start that internet campaign?
posted by sio42 at 10:21 AM on April 23, 2013


Honestly, I kind of like this rant. I mean, silly-seeming shit is often really serious business underneath the hood. I can respect her hammer-dropping abilities. For a twenty-one-year-old? That's not bad.

And it sounds like she's using "cunt punt" literally. She will kick, in the vagina, anyone she finds on campus if she needs to. Among my lesbian friends, the female equivalent of a "cock block" is a "clam slam."
posted by Amanojaku at 10:30 AM on April 23, 2013 [7 favorites]


Her rant is very self-aware and the letter is knowingly funny. She knew she had to write a stern letter calling out some stuff (which needed calling out), but she decided to at least do it in a way that would get the attention of her sisters and make them laugh and talk about it. That's all this is. She's not crazy or "histrionic," she's just funny as fuck. If a guy wrote this no one would call it histrionic, they'd be begging him to do stand-up.
posted by naju at 10:33 AM on April 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


If anything, I wish I was still doing theatre, because this is a solid piece of monologue to audition to.
posted by cendawanita at 10:39 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


If a guy wrote this no one would call it histrionic

I would call this letter histrionic regardless of the gender of the author. It's totally fucking histrionic. If histrionic was linguistically related to histamine I'd be in anaphylactic shock.

Although actually looking up histrionic I dont' know if it really applies as I don't think the original letter was "deliberately affected" - it strikes me as sincere in its outrage. Sincerely over-the-top.

"Histrionic" is often used to mean exaggerated or excessive but I guess that's not precisely what it means.
posted by GuyZero at 10:57 AM on April 23, 2013


If a guy wrote this no one would call it histrionic, they'd be begging him to do stand-up.

"If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day"

A standup I would gladly heckle, and I hate hecklers.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:05 AM on April 23, 2013


"a weird shit that does weird shit during the day"

C'mon, this is golden. I'm using it as my new metafilter bio.
posted by naju at 11:09 AM on April 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


No, it's lead. I don't see any irony in the sentiment.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:10 AM on April 23, 2013


My roomie and I were talking about this, and she compared it to Jeremy Piven's character on the show Entourage, Ari Gold. I'd love to see an in-character Ari reading this.
posted by codacorolla at 11:11 AM on April 23, 2013


Among my lesbian friends, the female equivalent of a "cock block" is a "clam slam."

This has been a wonderful week for me idiomatically.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:12 AM on April 23, 2013 [12 favorites]


She's not crazy or "histrionic," she's just funny as fuck. If a guy wrote this no one would call it histrionic, they'd be begging him to do stand-up.

You're the first person here to use the word "histrionic", but in any case the tin pot dictator of a college social club spewing forth a self-important river of condescension and vitriol at a bunch of college kids is sad no matter what genders are involved.

Come to think of it the last person in the news cycle to call college kids faggots was also throwing basketballs at their heads. I'm not sure what Mike Rice is up to since getting fired; Perhaps he's doing stand-up.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:26 AM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Histrionic" was used all over the media about this as I engaged with it yesterday; I wasn't calling out anyone in-thread.

There's a whole world of context and shared understanding in a private communication to a closed social group that matters. Comparing this to a video of a coach chucking basketballs at kids' heads is pretty off. Maybe if we had video of her we'd get some more clues as to the tone and intended seriousness. As is, my experience in a fraternity was filled with lots of this sort of self-aware over-the-top stuff, so this just seems like a particularly ingenious example of it. But we all love to demonize greek life and the people involved in it, I know.

I'd be interested in a follow-up interview or statement from the letter writer. That would clear up a lot.
posted by naju at 11:36 AM on April 23, 2013


my experience in a fraternity

And the light clicked on.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:38 AM on April 23, 2013


And the light clicked on.

I mean, I mostly just have criticisms of my time there you'd probably agree with, but hey great, cool, you can write me off now :)
posted by naju at 11:43 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm not going to link to it, but The Frisky has some tweets from her now-deleted account and it's pretty ugly stuff. Or as they put it, No one is immune from her “comedy.”
posted by Room 641-A at 11:51 AM on April 23, 2013


I mean, I mostly just have criticisms of my time there you'd probably agree with, but hey great, cool, you can write me off now

To elaborate: In every discussion of Greek life I've ever seen on the Internet, the Greeks have always closed ranks, whatever their differences, in the face of criticism from outside. I have no particular axe to grind against Greek life, but I don't see any irony in this letter, and Guernsey Halleck's description of the business side shows that the writer had good reason to be genuinely angry with her sisters. The humor I'm reading here - what little I can detect - isn't funny, but cruel and small-minded. It's horrible, and it's designed to whip its audience back into line. If there's gold here, it's pyrite.

Also, I've seen the twitter account that supposedly belongs to this writer, and it's dismal.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:02 PM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


my experience in a fraternity was filled with lots of this sort of self-aware over-the-top stuff

The Frisky has some tweets from her now-deleted account and it's pretty ugly stuff.

I read her tweets that were published and based on those the rant email was completely, 100% sincere. I'm not going to call her a bad person, but she seems to lack self awareness to the extent that she may even lack object permanence. I'm sure the section on Piaget in Psych 101 was pretty revelatory to her.
posted by GuyZero at 12:04 PM on April 23, 2013


I haven't seen the tweets, so mea culpa if she really does have a garbage mind. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when I see a transcendent, glittering display of awful like this.
posted by naju at 12:06 PM on April 23, 2013


I think the Greek system starts much too late along one's career path. I think it should begin in pre-school and be rigorously maintained from there on out. I feel that the only way to create solid, productive citizens for our country is to do this.

I believe that the fault is not in that this DG sister said what she said, but that she had to assume responsibility for saying it too late in the game.

We need rushes in preschool and hazing on the playground. There needs to be inculcation of the system as soon as a newborn can walk and utter sentences. Hierarchical structures must be put into place while the child's mind is still forming into shape.

The future can't begin soon enough and pledge pins should be issued at the hospitals where the mothers give birth.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 12:11 PM on April 23, 2013


All I know is that working in an industry that is majority-women, and dealing with some of the nonsense that happens on a regular basis, shit that I would have NEVER had to deal with back when I was working with 90% guys... dude. Rebecca. I understand.

When you've had to listen to someone whinging in a little girl voice despite their being on the north side of the 35+ demographic, and had to respond to them LIKE A GROWN ASS PERSON about GROWN UP BUSINESS THINGS, boy oh boy. (The little girl voice thing drives me crazy. Talk about weird people who do weird shit during the day...)

The problem, of course, is that in real life you can't actually say what you're thinking, let alone this way. So instead you internalize it (my insomnia! it says hello!), or you make a joke about CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE, ALL THE TIME.

Or, I'm with Amanojaku:

Honestly, I kind of like this rant. I mean, silly-seeming shit is often really serious business underneath the hood. I can respect her hammer-dropping abilities. For a twenty-one-year-old? That's not bad.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:46 PM on April 23, 2013 [8 favorites]


"You admire it."

"I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality."

posted by the_artificer at 12:52 PM on April 23, 2013 [6 favorites]


The little girl voice thing drives me crazy.

I assume you're not a Maria Bamford fan, then...
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:01 PM on April 23, 2013


Maria Bamford is TRYING to be funny, and is a comedian...hence the difference.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:04 PM on April 23, 2013


Maybe if we had video of her we'd get some more clues as to the tone and intended seriousness.

Fair enough. The point where she calls out an individual member (not by name, but presumably she knows who she is) for saying she had trouble talking to boys sober was where she lost my benefit of the doubt. Humor or not, calling someone out for admitting weakness is weak sauce.

It's true that Greeks don't get much love but honestly: College students in gender based clubs? In this day and age? WTF?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:11 PM on April 23, 2013


Oh man. I just watched the Alison Haislip version. Dude. She nails it. I understand the point of the letter so much better now. That is not sarcasm. Holy crap.
posted by sio42 at 3:19 PM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, Haislip sells this like hot dogs at a ball game. It's not just the swearing, it's the social-hierarchical girl-on-girl violence that's all between the lines. Or not so between the lines.
posted by GuyZero at 3:45 PM on April 23, 2013


Oh man, loved it. Best laugh I've had in a week.

This girl is the General George S. Patton of sorority women. She should be promoted to the executive offices of Delta Gamma. Her talent is being wasted on a local chapter. Under her dictatorship there wouldn't be any awkward boring little asswipes standing in corners at night or weird shits doing weird shit during the day. Delta Gamma would consist entirely of fun girls. Able to talk to boys. Able to give great PR. No whiny little girl voices unless it helps the sorority. Under her tutelage they would conquer and rise to the top of the Greek community. And you know it.

An army of neural normal, attractive, All-American, tough minded girly-girls out to be the best they can be.

I pictured her delivering this oration in front of a giant Delta Gamma badge. Like Patton in front of the giant American flag in the movie Patton.
posted by TrolleyOffTheTracks at 4:14 PM on April 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A FUCKING SPORTS GAME? is officially my new thing, y'all.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:17 PM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, sorry, you don't get to call people retards and faggots even if you are doing it "ironically." I am perfectly happy to call her a bad person.
posted by naoko at 5:56 PM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, sorry, you don't get to call people retards and faggots even if you are doing it "ironically." I am perfectly happy to call her a bad person.

Note: "faggot" is in the transcript, but not the video, and until you said that, I had only watched the video, so that may explain some of people's different reactions.
posted by Amanojaku at 6:40 PM on April 23, 2013


Yeah, my reaction comes from reading the transcript. Good catch.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:42 PM on April 23, 2013


It's in the Alison Haislip version. That version also captures the whole spirit of the thing much better.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:52 PM on April 23, 2013


The author's resigned from the sorority, although one imagines her profane ranting will continue in other venues.
posted by Copronymus at 8:53 AM on April 25, 2013


HAVE ANY OF YOU CUNT-SUCKING COCKGOBBLERS EVER HEARD OF THE MOTHERFUCKING GOLDEN RULE?

Hey what if the mods talked to us like this instead of [knock it off please] or [everyone needs a hug] in small text
posted by sweetkid at 9:17 AM on April 25, 2013 [6 favorites]


The author's resigned from the sorority, although one imagines her profane ranting will continue in other venues.
This email should not be depicted in any way as standard or routine...
Oh as if.
posted by rhizome at 11:14 AM on April 25, 2013


Oh, man, one of the Facebook comments cited in the story linked above:
"I am very sorry to say that I completelyl [sic] disagree with you, Cindy. I do not know a DG that would EVER write anything so vile and reprehensible. She sounded like an uneducated man, not a refined educated, cream of the crop lady, that Delta Gammas have been for decades."
The funny part being that the original email was, disregarding the content, written quite well. The comment accusing her of being uneducated (and a man?) considerably less so.
posted by griphus at 11:26 AM on April 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


The funny part being that the original email was, disregarding the content, written quite well.

I disagree. Over reliance on a single invective shows shows serious limitations in vocabulary and self expression in general. She resembles nothing more than Kevin Kline's Otto character from A Fish Called Wanda.

"You are a true vulgarian, aren't you?"
"You're the vulgarian, you fuck!"
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:40 AM on April 25, 2013 [1 favorite]




922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a: "This letter just re-affirms to me that some people are really nothing at all without an echo chamber telling them they're awesome."

That was awesome!
posted by Splunge at 3:03 PM on April 26, 2013




Gilbert Gottfried reads the letter and sounds like Gilbert Gottfried reading...anything.

Fake Morgan Freeman
reads the letter. I curse like a sailor, but this sounds particularly vulgar hearing it in Freeman's voice.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:01 AM on May 4, 2013


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