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Make way for ducklings. (NSFW)
April 22, 2013 9:19 PM   Subscribe

Ze Frank explains the duck penis.

You're welcome.
posted by R. Schlock (54 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
Ducks Meet the Culture Wars
posted by homunculus at 9:21 PM on April 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


Corkscrewing.
posted by amanda at 9:40 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Duck dick? I hardly even know dick!
posted by TheRedArmy at 9:44 PM on April 22, 2013


</metafilter>
posted by Mikey-San at 9:50 PM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Duck Penis, An Existential Quandary -- more on why ducks have a penis whereas most birds don't (disclosure: my blog).
posted by eeriegongs at 9:51 PM on April 22, 2013 [12 favorites]


I totally read your name as eeriedongs the first time and I was all "hey! Eponys. . .oh"
posted by isopraxis at 9:58 PM on April 22, 2013 [6 favorites]


eeriegongs, your blog is the reason the internet was invented.
posted by R. Schlock at 10:00 PM on April 22, 2013


I don't see why there shouldn't be an entire genre of humorously narrated yet accurate nature documentaries.
posted by cmoj at 10:03 PM on April 22, 2013 [5 favorites]


Thanks, R. Schlock! I think Dr. Richard Cox, PhD. sees it that way, too.
posted by eeriegongs at 10:14 PM on April 22, 2013


Auuugh! Auuuuuuggghhh! I'd heard stories, but never actually taken the time to observe a duck penis. I am now horrified.
posted by redsparkler at 10:16 PM on April 22, 2013


Also, if you want to see a really "eeriedong" check out the four-pronged echidna penis (NSFWish).
posted by eeriegongs at 10:18 PM on April 22, 2013 [3 favorites]


oh sweet christ I really need to get off the internet and go to bed. NOW.
posted by lonefrontranger at 10:49 PM on April 22, 2013 [7 favorites]


You and me both, lonefrontranger.
posted by Scientist at 10:54 PM on April 22, 2013


I continue to be absolutely hypnotized by anything involving the words "duck sex." I see a lot of duck gang rapes every spring at my work and hoooooly shit, it's disturbing.

On the other hand, I saw twelve ducklings today swimming around, and...d'awwwwww!
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:02 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Because it is an advantage not to have babies with a duck you know nothing about, and who is quite frankly an asshole...." AMEN TO THAT.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:11 PM on April 22, 2013 [4 favorites]


I've recently become ambivalent about ducks. I thought I liked them but now... We recently stayed at a b&b and the caretaker had adopted a duck that had been abandoned at birth or something. The duck had imprinted on him and watched television with him every night. It shat all over the place so the caretaker laid down towels for protection. I had thought that ducks would be slightly more self aware.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:24 PM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


Not defending ducks, but doesn't every animal shit all over the place when you put them in a confined space? Even cats and dogs do this if you don't stay on top of it. I'm not even sure what a duck would do as an alternative, not having hands or even much of a brain. And let's be clear: their habitat is a lake. Adult humans piss in them whenever the chance presents itself, and we don't even have an excuse.
posted by cj_ at 12:19 AM on April 23, 2013 [7 favorites]


Ze Frank has gotten... weird. And now I feel weird for owning a Ze Frank duck T-shirt. Sans organ.
posted by axiom at 1:00 AM on April 23, 2013


And yet, Donald Duck still refuses to wear pants. Pervert.
posted by Jughead at 1:03 AM on April 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


If you had a penis which was the equivalent proportion to your body size, you'd find it pretty impossible to wear pants.
posted by hippybear at 1:19 AM on April 23, 2013 [9 favorites]


Just look around, you can clearly see God's beauty in nature. All proof on an intelligent designer.

Dude, have you ever seen a duck penis?

What? No? Why? What's wrong with you?

Here watch this.

...

But, if ducks evolved from corkscrews... then why do we still have corkscrews?
posted by Quack at 1:31 AM on April 23, 2013 [10 favorites]


Gotten?
posted by cavalier at 2:29 AM on April 23, 2013


axiom, so you'd feel OK about the shirt if the duckie on it did have a penis?
posted by 1adam12 at 2:56 AM on April 23, 2013


Ducks Meet the Culture Wars

Sigh. Linked-to article is about conservatives upset because of funding for waterfowl research. Because it's possible to make anything look like a stupid waste of money if one personally don't like it enough, and refers to it derisively. Basically, we're not allowed to learn anything anymore.
posted by JHarris at 3:07 AM on April 23, 2013 [6 favorites]


I was visiting Leeds Castle with a friend on a beautifully sunny day (a bit like today!) a few years ago when we were witness to a duck rape. It changed the tone of the whole trip!
posted by wilberforce at 3:41 AM on April 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


Isabella Rossellini shows how dainty ducks dodge duck dicks.
posted by Flashman at 4:59 AM on April 23, 2013 [14 favorites]


I was visiting Leeds Castle with a friend on a beautifully sunny day (a bit like today!) a few years ago when we were witness to a duck rape.

Now that's just tupped duck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:46 AM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you had a penis which was the equivalent proportion to your body size, you'd find it pretty impossible to wear pants.

As a futurist, I assure you that pants engineering is up to the task! Pants for any package are just around the corner, once we manage to solve the fiddly little problems of "space." 5 years, tops!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:56 AM on April 23, 2013


I'll keep my penis the old fashion American way, thank you very much.
posted by It is better for you not to know. at 6:12 AM on April 23, 2013


Duck penis is my Alamo.
posted by blue t-shirt at 6:26 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


As a Canadian, I don't even really know what that means. But it felt right.
posted by blue t-shirt at 6:26 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


hippybear: "If you had a penis which was the equivalent proportion to your body size, you'd find it pretty impossible to wear pants."

I have a very good tailor.
posted by Splunge at 6:34 AM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've said it before. Sure it was about MeTa, but it applies here, too.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:45 AM on April 23, 2013


OK, this is just daffy.
posted by sourwookie at 6:48 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Alan Moore was right, ducks truly are sinister.
posted by frogstar42 at 7:00 AM on April 23, 2013


Echidnas have a quadfurcated penis? Cool. Male opossums have a bifurcated one to match the female's bifurcated vagina.
posted by plinth at 7:07 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Pigs have corkscrew shaped penises, too.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:16 AM on April 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


OMG ISABELLA ROSSELLINI IS A SICK, SICK WOMAN.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:30 AM on April 23, 2013 [7 favorites]


Duck penis is my Alamo

Available at airports when you're desperate for a ride?

From the video, I would have gone with "Hertz."
posted by zippy at 8:02 AM on April 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


I see a lot of duck gang rapes every spring at my work and hoooooly shit, it's disturbing.


This! Ever since they turned the fountains back on, there are always some duck rapists frequenting Lafayette Park in the spring. Makes sitting outside for lunch there a very uncomfortable experience. I always feel like running between the fleeing female duck and the 2-3 male ducks trying to jump her, shouting "no, means no, assholes!"
posted by longdaysjourney at 8:14 AM on April 23, 2013 [6 favorites]


Ze Frank has gotten... weird. And now I feel weird for owning a Ze Frank duck T-shirt. Sans organ.

Maybe I'm blowing his cover, but he has a secret channel for more meaningful stuff now. Which makes me glad, because I don't even enjoy watching these "true facts" videos.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:17 AM on April 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


I was thinking about the "no means no" thing. Assuming it started in America, I think it's a product of the cultural melting pot. If there are plenty of people who say no and mean yes (and there are), and plenty of people who say yes and mean no ( and there are), then the whole "no means no" campaign might have come from an attempt to get everone on the same page, communication-wise, for this important issue.
posted by aniola at 8:50 AM on April 23, 2013


I always feel like running between the fleeing female duck and the 2-3 male ducks trying to jump her, shouting "no, means no, assholes!"

The first time I saw my turkeys mating, I didn't understand what I was seeing and rushed in to break up the attack. Now I have a hen that tries to hump my boot every time I go in to feed the gang. No good deed goes unpunished.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:05 AM on April 23, 2013 [6 favorites]


Ze Frank, penises, Dr. Cox, and Carl Zimmer on the culture wars. Isabella Rossellini! Favoloso!
posted by sneebler at 9:26 AM on April 23, 2013


This is a prime example of why arms races are bad for everyone. Let alone the consent issues with duck gang rape, that just doesn't even look fun for anyone involved.
posted by eviemath at 10:50 AM on April 23, 2013


oh sweet christ I really need to get off the internet and go to bed. NOW.
posted by lonefrontranger


You and me both, lonefrontranger.
posted by Scientist


You two are kinda kinky, aren't you?

Eh, whatever fluffs your feathers.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:13 PM on April 23, 2013


You two are kinda kinky, aren't you?

Eh, whatever fluffs your feathers.


the thing that disturbs me the most is that my most popular contribution to Metafilter for the past 30 days involves duck wang.
posted by lonefrontranger at 12:41 PM on April 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


Flashman: "Isabella Rossellini shows how dainty ducks dodge duck dicks."

Well, there's something I'll never be able to unsee.
posted by zarq at 3:34 PM on April 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


The average bird just rubs "bottoms" with the opposite sex . There is a transfer of fluids and that's the end. You would think that that was a pretty simple thing, right? No it is not.

My Scooby, a female Quaker parrot, is a horny little girlie. And when the Spring is sprung she wants to get lucky.

Sometimes with my hand. Sometimes with my ear. Sometimes with inanimate objects in her cage.

So she started to hump a green plastic toy we got her. It's a puzzle cylinder. About her size, and green. For a long time we thought it was both cute and disturbing to watch her "do her thing" with the green cylinder.

INTERMISSION MUCH BIRD TMI! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

When she gets sexy she is sooo cute. She lifts her tail feathers and hisses. Then she'll start rubbing. The hissing is cute. The fluffing is cute. But her finishing, well... it's creepy. She rubs harder and harder. To the point that I think she's going to have a little birdie heart attack. When she "finishes" she falls forward. Her tail in the air. And almost falls on her back.

END TMI

So for a long time Scooby would start plucking her legs around the Spring. We realized that the rubbing against "her boyfriend" (the green plastic cylinder) was irritating her leg. Plucking is bad for a bird. They start by just pulling out feathers. Then they start chewing on their own skin and making bad scabs. Some chew themselves to the bone.

For a while we had Scooby on Elavil and antibiotics. No joke. Human antidepressants.

Then the wife figured out that all we had to do was put a sock on it. So we wrapped her "boyfriend" with a fluffy sock. Ever since then, when the urge hits her, she humps a sock covered boyfriend. She loves us very much. But she now cuddles with a plastic cylinder covered with a terrycloth sock.

Do not judge us!
posted by Splunge at 6:40 PM on April 23, 2013 [7 favorites]


BTW a good way to find out if your bird is male or female. At least for Quaker parrots. The female raises her tail for sex. The male goes under.
posted by Splunge at 6:42 PM on April 23, 2013


the four-pronged echidna penis

OH GOD IT'S LIKE AN ARM WITH A HAND

Can't sleep. Echidna penis will high-four me.
posted by psoas at 8:13 PM on April 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


Well, there's something I'll never be able to unsee.
posted by zarq at 6:34 PM


The best antidote is to numb your memory by watching the entire green porno series.. You're welcome.
posted by Popular Ethics at 8:35 PM on April 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


Whenever I watch Ze Frank talk I can't help but seeing him as the love-child of Alton Brown and Christopher Walken. That's all I got.
posted by NoRelation at 10:32 AM on April 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


More funny ze frank links!!!
posted by ejfox at 8:55 PM on April 25, 2013


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