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Less than $4 a flush over 5 years
April 27, 2013 10:25 PM   Subscribe

Presenting the NUMI by Kohler. With features like programmable colored LED lighting, bluetooth for music streaming and custom playlists America is finally catching up in the so called, Battle for the Bottom in the high end toilet wars.
posted by humanfont (75 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
OMG they even have a revit family for it.

**downloads**
posted by LionIndex at 10:28 PM on April 27, 2013


I would absolutely poop in that.
posted by mintcake! at 10:30 PM on April 27, 2013 [10 favorites]


If I came across one of these while at a party in an unfamiliar house, I'd probably just go in the sink. Number one or number two, it'd still be easier than trying to figure out a supertoilet.
posted by item at 10:36 PM on April 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Interesting that for the super-futuristic toilet, they're filming the commercial in a 50+ year old house.
posted by LionIndex at 10:39 PM on April 27, 2013


It has a programable customizable greeting, so it can actually instruct your guests in proper usage.
posted by humanfont at 10:39 PM on April 27, 2013


I like a bidet, I've never used one, but I imagine it's so so nice.

But..

Heated seats? Never. Icy cold seats just like fresh from waking up with nobody having been there before. Heated? It's like you sat on it after someone else did, and that just ain't right.

Music? Seriously? Isn't that a bit overkill? A remote? Also. Overkill.

Retracting seat? I suppose that *could* be cool, I guess. Not sure why that's much better than "flip-thunk" except, I can see how it can please the women of the house (I'm a seat-putter-downer myself, though I'm a guy, so I guess I don't really have such an issue over that in the first place, as I live with women and so we all co-exist just fine).

Once again I find myself wanting something not top of the line, nor the bottom but just somewhere in between.
posted by symbioid at 10:39 PM on April 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


As you're reading about this, you might be wondering how (or why) on earth a plumbing manufacturer did so much R&D and PR work to sell a toilet.

The true depth of it is even crazier than you might imagine.
posted by schmod at 10:41 PM on April 27, 2013 [9 favorites]


"Comfort height" is merely code for it's going to give you hemorrhoids.
posted by 1adam12 at 10:43 PM on April 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


I checked out the Kohler site recently. I've owned cars that cost less than some of those toilets. I guess I haven't arrived yet.
posted by thelonius at 10:43 PM on April 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


When they add a "cleaning cycle" button, I'll buy one for every bathroom in the house.
posted by J.W. at 10:49 PM on April 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


So they're actually selling the max-level crapper from The Sims? I look forward to the monkey butler.
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 10:53 PM on April 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wow, that's some pretty execrable one-percenter nonsense right there.
posted by Edna Million at 10:56 PM on April 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'd rather have one of the old-fashioned toilets that never required multiple flushes.
posted by double block and bleed at 10:57 PM on April 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know what isn't square?

My ass.

Japan wins this round, Kohler.
posted by b1tr0t at 11:02 PM on April 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


All I really want is a toilet that has never been used before and will only ever be used by me. I don't need it to do my taxes.
posted by Brocktoon at 11:06 PM on April 27, 2013 [10 favorites]


I almost love that video. That shot, from the Stahl house overlooking Los Angeles, is so iconic. How many movies feature a final confrontation with that vista, or show the crime boss symbolically and literally surveying his domain.

I wish they hadn't had it demo the features though. Instead of the laconic crime lord we got a trained monkey. Dancing to the tune of an iPhone. Showing "integrated bidet" proves they don't understand their own commercial or product.

If I could redo that ad I would start with a long shot, have a the NUMI silhouetted against the lights twinkiling down below. Only the barest shape against the lights . In the forground, Almost as if frozen in time the elegantly dressed man and woman are still, caught laughing and drinking champagne. The camera tracks past them slowly, towards the silhouette at the window. We pass others, also frozen, clearly this is a posh party. As the camera closes in we still don't know what it is, the shape is unfamiliar, it is clear there is a champagne flute perched atop it though. The camera circles around, smoothly and effortlessly, to show the NUMI against the backdrop of the glittering crowd. We clearly see now it is a toilet, with a champagne flute atop it. The champagne sparkles seductuvely, drawing the eye towards that flute. In the flute we see a flawless solitaire cut yellow diamond in a white gold Tiffany setting. It is an engagement ring.

That is how you sell toilets.
posted by Ad hominem at 11:08 PM on April 27, 2013 [12 favorites]


When they add a "cleaning cycle" button, I'll buy one for every bathroom in the house.

I was going to say, "if it's self cleaning, I'd pay money for that."
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 11:21 PM on April 27, 2013


This is a toilet for people who have people to clean their toilets.
posted by Orb at 11:48 PM on April 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Comfort height" is merely code for it's going to give you hemorrhoids.

Hence the constant refrain of SQUATZ and OATZ.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:56 PM on April 27, 2013


The last thing I need stumbling around in the middle of the night in the bathroom is more corners, especially where I'm trying to sit.
posted by immlass at 11:57 PM on April 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


A remote? That has to be one of the very stupidest things I've heard of. Of all the activities you have to be right there to do, using the toilet is right at the top of the list.

A remote - how long before it falls in the toilet?

And it doesn't actually fix any of the real issue of a classic toilet.

1. Shitting sitting down isn't particularly good for your bowels.
2. And it's uncomfortable because the only back support is too far away - and cold.
3. They're hard to clean.
4. And peeing standing up into a horizontal toilet results in mishaps.

I always thought they should tilt the whole thing about 45 degrees and bring it higher so you have back support, you're partly squatting instead of seated, and you have a much bigger target to pee in.

In Japan they just tile the entire bathroom floor and have a drain at the lowest point so you can quickly hose everything with hot water and scrub the dirt down the drain. That one innovation would trump this stupid toilet for me.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 11:59 PM on April 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


No one has really mentioned the foot warmers yet. This is a thing?
posted by Brocktoon at 12:02 AM on April 28, 2013




louche, presumably that's Smart Glass
posted by gnidan at 12:09 AM on April 28, 2013


This is not the toilet I want.

A composting toilet. That's what I want. Reduce blackwater. Converts excreta into humanure. Helps prevent soil degradation. Sweden already has them all over the place. We can turn our shit into a verdant wonderland instead of toxic sludge that requires billions to process and wastes trillions of gallons of water.

Utopian? Maybe. But I have done my share of crapping in the Hollywood Hills, and I prefer this idea.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 12:14 AM on April 28, 2013 [10 favorites]


That's presuming far more than I am comfortable with. If I can see out, someone else can see in.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:14 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


This toilet is the shit.

So much for the dreaded innovation toilet trope.
posted by three blind mice at 3:17 AM on April 28, 2013


There's an ass for that.

And . . . streaming what?
posted by spitbull at 4:18 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


How long till Kohler takes the first support call that starts with "Help, my toilet has crashed"?
posted by kcds at 4:30 AM on April 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


In Japan they just [shit on the floor]...

Hmm, I dunno if I would count that as progress.
posted by indubitable at 4:39 AM on April 28, 2013


And when the power goes out, because the revolution has finally come, the elite will be shitting in the hills above old Hollywood because the damn toilet won't open and never will again.

Pill in hand, you can hear his golden surfer voice crying out, "Mummy won't come out of the bathroom!"
posted by sonascope at 4:53 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Perhaps the way to solve restroom boredom is not live stock quotes and streaming music, but a little more fiber in the diet.
posted by jenkinsEar at 4:57 AM on April 28, 2013


NUMI.
For those whose shit doesn't stink.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:06 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Companies need to stay on the leading edge of technology....but this is a bit extreme
posted by AllChildrenMatter at 5:09 AM on April 28, 2013


That Giz piece is wild, schmod. Thanks for linking that.
posted by mintcake! at 5:26 AM on April 28, 2013


"Water efficient."

Good. You wouldn't want to buy a toilet that wastes valuable resources.
posted by bondcliff at 5:39 AM on April 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


A black rectangle and they didn't use the theme music from 2001? "The toilet mankind has been waiting for."

Opportunity lost.

(Also, don't put humans in toilet commercials, I kept expecting one of them to use it.)
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 5:48 AM on April 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I just had a horrific vision of scrubbing my drunk friends' piss from that floor heater. This thing does not look easy to clean.
posted by Think_Long at 6:09 AM on April 28, 2013


One thing I do not want in my toilet is an ominously glowing extensible probe. I question their decision to prominently feature the glowing extensible probe.
posted by ook at 6:48 AM on April 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


Pointed edges like that when I'm half asleep are almost guaranteed to have me lying wounded on the floor. That remote is going to wind up lost in no time.
posted by arcticseal at 6:56 AM on April 28, 2013


That remote is going to wind up lost

*glurg, glurg*

Let's put it in a bag of rice for a couple of days!
posted by Wolof at 7:03 AM on April 28, 2013


Someone upthread mentioned power outages.... yeah, that and the sharp corners on this thing means I'll stick to my boring old toilet, thank you very much.

Because where I work is in an out-of-the-way area, I have my very own private employee bathroom. Last summer, a bad storm hit the building and cut off the power for a couple hours: all of the scores of toilets in the twenty or so visitors' restrooms, with their fancy electronic automatic flushes, were unusable. Meanwhile, my private potty, with it's old-fashioned manual flush, was the only one in the building still working. It was wonderful.
posted by easily confused at 7:20 AM on April 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Seconding the Gizmodo link greatness! For added goodness, after this pretty funny, over-the-top piece about his junket to Wisconsin to see a hi-tech bathtub, ALL of the comments are about the beer in one of the photos. I've never been to Wisconsin, but that must some beer.
posted by sneebler at 7:29 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


3. They're hard to clean.

Huh? Toilets are literally the easiest things to clean. You squirt some blue stuff and swish a brush around once in awhile. Wipe the seat occasionally.

That said, if there are all kinds of retractable nozzles and whatnot down in there, forget it.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:46 AM on April 28, 2013


In the picture Louche Mustachio posted, is that Alexander Skarsgard in a toilet ad?
posted by desjardins at 7:47 AM on April 28, 2013


ALL of the comments are about the beer in one of the photos. I've never been to Wisconsin, but that must some beer.

I live in Wisconsin. That is really good beer. I feel sorry for you.
posted by desjardins at 7:50 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


No sorry, the most expensive toilet is still Jacob Rees-Mogg's private toilet at Claridges, usable to only him and the king of Spain.
posted by The Whelk at 7:53 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


When the toilet at the vanguard of "The Battle for the Affluent Bottom" features a "duel flush", I can't help but picture the bidet being used as an offensive weapon.
posted by achrise at 8:17 AM on April 28, 2013


I cannot imagine the amount of nasty hand action that remote is going to be receiving. I hope it's dishwasher safe...
posted by msbutah at 8:22 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


They've created a terrible dilemma -- do you buy one now, or do you hold off until they design one with a hydraulic lift that stands you up so you can wipe your ass?
posted by Killick at 8:24 AM on April 28, 2013


You don't need to wipe. The bidet and heated dryer handles that for you. The Toto version offers a massaging water jet as an option.
posted by humanfont at 8:37 AM on April 28, 2013


Most hand dryers don't get my hands completely dry; I'm sure I'd end up wiping anyway so to avoid wet underpants.
posted by desjardins at 8:45 AM on April 28, 2013


But will it be honored to accept my waste?
posted by Dr. Zira at 8:48 AM on April 28, 2013


A black rectangle and they didn't use the theme music from 2001? "The toilet mankind has been waiting for." -CheeseDigestsAll

"Oh my god, It's full of eponysterical stars!"
posted by Mcable at 8:56 AM on April 28, 2013


I imagine the footwarmer would be useful if you're reduced to hugging the toilet after a bit of food poisoning.
posted by arcticseal at 9:54 AM on April 28, 2013


Unless it has Jon Hamm's voice, I'm not interested.
posted by mokin at 9:54 AM on April 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


I hope it's dishwasher safe...

Let's use your dishwasher for this, not mine, OK?
posted by thelonius at 9:59 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Unless it has Jon Hamm's voice, I'm not interested.

I don't want to become turned on by my toilet. That can't lead anywhere good.
posted by desjardins at 10:00 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]



ALL of the comments are about the beer in one of the photos. I've never been to Wisconsin, but that must some beer.

I live in Wisconsin. That is really good beer. I feel sorry for you.



I'm from Wisconsin. I live in Minnesota now. We make road trips specifically for the purpose of procuring that beer. It's damn good.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:08 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


The first shot of it make me think of the old time slammers used in the BWCA. Of Course as nasty as those where at least you could still take a shit in the rain
posted by edgeways at 10:11 AM on April 28, 2013


Thanks, but we do have beer where I live. Even if it's not that beer. I want to go to Mn. one day -maybe I'll stop in Wisconsin and enjoy a couple of beers and some toilet on the way.
posted by sneebler at 11:22 AM on April 28, 2013


In seriousness, the Kohler showroom is really cool and the American Club (hotel) is top-notch. It's about a five hour drive from Minnesota, though.
posted by desjardins at 12:02 PM on April 28, 2013


There was an episode of Bob's Burgers about this.
posted by srboisvert at 1:15 PM on April 28, 2013


KOHLER: You've been doing it wrong all your life. Now do it wronger.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:12 PM on April 28, 2013


The toilet for people whose shit don't stink.
posted by Bonzai at 2:49 PM on April 28, 2013


An object for a Jerry Lewis bit....he's up-chucking into it, and presses the remote by accident....you can just imagine what happens....

I'm so glad I'll never have to install one of those mothers. Some people will call the plumbers
just to torture them: "Why can't I get CNN on this thing?!!" "Ma'm, it's a toilet..."
posted by eggtooth at 3:13 PM on April 28, 2013


kcds: "How long till Kohler takes the first support call that starts with "Help, my toilet has crashed"?"

So glad I'm no longer doing tech support.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:44 PM on April 28, 2013


So glad I'm no longer doing tech support

"No Sir, that's not the error log I was looking for, although I suggest you add fibre to your diet"
posted by arcticseal at 7:52 PM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I liked the anus POV shot of the rinse jet.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 11:01 AM on April 29, 2013


ook> One thing I do not want in my toilet is an ominously glowing extensible probe.
mokin> Unless it has Jon Hamm's voice, I'm not interested.


I'm imagining GLaDOS's voice, actually.

"Disregard the ominously glowing extensible probe."
posted by nickzoic at 5:43 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think Ernst Stavro Blofeld would be better.

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die rinse."
posted by arcticseal at 6:24 AM on April 30, 2013


Why?
posted by jeffburdges at 8:57 AM on April 30, 2013


I'm imagining GLaDOS's voice, actually.

"Disregard the ominously glowing extensible probe."


Or.. the Voice from EVE.

"Docking permission granted"
posted by edgeways at 10:01 AM on April 30, 2013


Or.. the Voice from EVE. "Docking permission granted"

Or the cleaner robot from WALL*E. "FOREIGN CONTAMINANT"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:49 AM on May 9, 2013


Majel Barrett-Roddenberry.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:10 AM on May 9, 2013


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