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Deep Inside the Biggest Little Dildo Factory in America
May 3, 2013 6:38 PM   Subscribe

"While most of the industry’s manufacturing takes place in China, Doc Johnson is doing its patriotic duty, one giant rubber penis at a time." [NSFW because dildos.]
posted by ocherdraco (143 comments total) 35 users marked this as a favorite

 
those are some righteous dongs in that first photo
posted by nathancaswell at 6:43 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think those are the dong molds. They use copper molds according to the story.
posted by Mister_A at 6:44 PM on May 3, 2013


Just ask the machinist named Frank, who builds the bases for the copper molds. "I lost a finger to this machine, blood everywhere," he says in front of his hulking, puke-green steel contraption housed in the back of the mold room.

HE LOST A FINGER TO BIG DILDO

guys

halp
posted by elizardbits at 6:47 PM on May 3, 2013 [24 favorites]


Also: her heart's desire is a hair brush bristling with spaghetti noodles? I had no idea.
posted by nathancaswell at 6:48 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you're going to lose a digit in an industrial accident, the amount of stories you get out of losing it in the dildo factory is the way to go.
posted by xingcat at 6:51 PM on May 3, 2013 [24 favorites]


I am mad that they are not unionized.
posted by elizardbits at 6:52 PM on May 3, 2013 [22 favorites]


We used to have all of our dildos manufactured in China, but now we outsource to Israel. We save millions every year on foreskin costs.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:55 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


yeah, nobody likes scabs touching their phallus
posted by nathancaswell at 6:55 PM on May 3, 2013 [23 favorites]


Which union would they join? United Auto-Erotica Workers? International Wobblers of the World?
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 6:56 PM on May 3, 2013 [7 favorites]


Steel-workers.
posted by Kabanos at 6:57 PM on May 3, 2013 [16 favorites]


Oh, Doc Johnson. I get it now.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:58 PM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


Deep Inside

I suppose so!
posted by ceribus peribus at 6:58 PM on May 3, 2013


Which union would they join? United Auto-Erotica Workers?

American Fake Labists - Congress of International Onanists?
posted by MikeMc at 6:58 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


GMP International Union prolly.
posted by elizardbits at 7:01 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


I MEAN THRUSTY PROBERS LOCAL 169
posted by elizardbits at 7:02 PM on May 3, 2013 [25 favorites]


i know one of the industry pros quoted in this article!
posted by liketitanic at 7:04 PM on May 3, 2013


"Oh, Doc Johnson. I get it now."

Johnson means penis!
posted by klangklangston at 7:04 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's really okay, because the US is doing some hardcore research into duck penises that will shortly obliterate any advantage the Chinese have in the counter-clockwise corkscrew dildo segment of the market.
posted by Kabanos at 7:05 PM on May 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


I'll tell you what, I've seen a lot of things in my life, but going to what suburban ladies call a "pleasure party" ranks as one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. I'd dive into one of those drums of lube at the Kink.com headquarters before I'd do that again.
posted by padraigin at 7:10 PM on May 3, 2013 [14 favorites]


The....ahem....Bunker Buster? The mind reels.
posted by nevercalm at 7:10 PM on May 3, 2013


I'll be in my bunker.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:11 PM on May 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


xingcat: "If you're going to lose a digit in an industrial accident, the amount of stories you get out of losing it in the dildo factory is the way to go."

Try not to think of the possbility that the lost digit is embedded in your favorite sex toy.
posted by boo_radley at 7:12 PM on May 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


that's not all it's embedded in
posted by nathancaswell at 7:15 PM on May 3, 2013 [8 favorites]


yes, fine: your favorite sex toy and the industrial metal lathe behind him in the photo.
posted by boo_radley at 7:17 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


What if my favorite sex toy is the industrial metal lathe behind him in the photo?
posted by koeselitz at 7:18 PM on May 3, 2013 [19 favorites]


Which union would they join?

The Peensters.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:19 PM on May 3, 2013 [24 favorites]


Some say dildos are bad. Others say dildos are good.

Let's not be quick to judge. Don't go off half cocked.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:20 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'll tell you what, I've seen a lot of things in my life, but going to what suburban ladies call a "pleasure party" ranks as one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. I'd dive into one of those drums of lube at the Kink.com headquarters before I'd do that again.

I regretfully declined the invitation from a work friend to go to one of those when I saw the entire invite list was straight ladies. There was just no way that was going to work out for any of us.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:22 PM on May 3, 2013 [19 favorites]


While the porn industry is still reeling from piracy and amateurs willing to give it away for free on YouPorn, the sex toy industry has, in the past decade, undergone its own perestroika and emerged as a $15 billion a year gold mine.

I like the idea that premium sex toys are essentially un-pirate-able porn. Or not porn, quite, but a sexy sex thing that people will pay a bunch for and that can't just be bittorrented.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 7:25 PM on May 3, 2013


Man, somehow that article really ends in a sad place.
posted by koeselitz at 7:27 PM on May 3, 2013


Guys, isn't obvious? They would be Wobblies.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:28 PM on May 3, 2013 [7 favorites]


What a buncha dicks.
posted by jonmc at 7:30 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


Or not porn, quite, but a sexy sex thing that people will pay a bunch for and that can't just be bittorrented.

You can certainly get cheapo knockoffs though. It's still a fairly competitive market.

I have developed the bad habit of only buying sex toys late at night in hormone-fueled sprees. When the actual products arrive a week or two later, I am often utterly baffled as to what could have possibly inspired me to purchase that, and why does it smell like discarded car tires? However, I am perversely relieved to discover that I could have made even worse choices and ended up with something sporting hand-sewn pubic hair.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:31 PM on May 3, 2013 [16 favorites]


a sexy sex thing that people will pay a bunch for and that can't just be bittorrented

...unless you have a 3d printer...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:31 PM on May 3, 2013 [9 favorites]


"I like the idea that premium sex toys are essentially un-pirate-able porn. Or not porn, quite, but a sexy sex thing that people will pay a bunch for and that can't just be bittorrented.

Yet. In ten years when we all have 3d printers, there'll be open dong distros.
posted by klangklangston at 7:32 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Honey! Why are we out of black toner again?
posted by Kabanos at 7:35 PM on May 3, 2013 [44 favorites]


When the actual products arrive a week or two later, I am often utterly baffled as to what could have possibly inspired me to purchase that, and why does it smell like discarded car tires?

Yeah, that's another piece of it that makes a good analogy with porn. Because there totally is that wishful-thinking angle. "Oh man this is gonna be the hottest thing ever" followed by "Wait I just spent how much on what?"
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 7:36 PM on May 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


What's good for Doc Johnson is good for America.
posted by mcmile at 7:37 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Someone linked to A Sexy Thing on amazon in another thread fairly recently and I found myself idly perusing other Sexy Things and oh man, the item descriptions are a combination of hilarious and grotesque.
posted by elizardbits at 7:38 PM on May 3, 2013


Something that always fascinates me about factory assembly lines is the rate at which they move, because you can't help but imagine the demand side of that equation. Like that mushroom farming thread where it was just churning out gallons of mushrooms every second. Mentally I jump directly to the conclusion that 24 hours a day, people are eating that many mushrooms.

This gets even weirder with non-consumable products, like cars. I used to do some work at a Mercedes-Benz factory that only made one kind of the car, and yet, their delivery rate was something insane like, one car every 20 minutes, for most of the year. That's just crazy - that there is some kind of demand to meet that supply.

With this... I just...I'm baffled.
posted by odinsdream at 7:40 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


the item descriptions are a combination of hilarious and grotesque.

Yeah the one thing I'm disappointed about in the article here is that those vintage vibrator ads are too small to read the copy, because now I'm way curious how that's evolved.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 7:41 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


In ten years when we all have 3d printers, there'll be open dong distros

Hey, we have things like that already, even though everybody seems to agree that affordable 3d printers aren't quite up to, uh, snuff yet: MakerLove. Slashdong. New York Toy Collective. Dongiverse. And a lot of the soft robot research looks distinctly applicable to sex toys even if that's not where they're making them for right now.
posted by hattifattener at 7:46 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


The mark of a great man is a giant synthetic penis. That's why Napolean has a giant penis at the Place de la Concorde. That's why George Washington has a humongous dildo, complete with a reflection pond that makes it look even bigger, in Washington D.C. It's a tradition that goes back aeons, to the pharoahs and the Roman emperors.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:46 PM on May 3, 2013


"Someone linked to A Sexy Thing on amazon in another thread fairly recently and I found myself idly perusing other Sexy Things and oh man, the item descriptions are a combination of hilarious and grotesque."

Part of why I refused Amazon's recurring efforts to link my profile with my real name was because there were a couple of months where I got high and wasted time by posting fake reviews of sex toys/paraphernalia. I do not want some future employer to think that I have OPINIONS on the proper wine pairings with edible panties.
posted by klangklangston at 7:47 PM on May 3, 2013 [37 favorites]


i like how you allege that this only went on for a few months
posted by elizardbits at 7:48 PM on May 3, 2013 [19 favorites]


It was during the denouement of my career in porn.
posted by klangklangston at 7:50 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


When the actual products arrive a week or two later, I am often utterly baffled as to what could have possibly inspired me to purchase that, and why does it smell like discarded car tires? However, I am perversely relieved to discover that I could have made even worse choices and ended up with something sporting hand-sewn pubic hair.


If it smells like discarded car tires, probably best not to place it anywhere where it will contact another plastic, as it will, uh, fuse. Melt. Dong-weld.

And believe me, hand sewn pubes are low on the list of wrongness in the world of sex toys. They're pretty gross, but it gets worse.


I'll tell you what, I've seen a lot of things in my life, but going to what suburban ladies call a "pleasure party" ranks as one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. I'd dive into one of those drums of lube at the Kink.com headquarters before I'd do that again.


There is sort of this feeling of communal giggling primness that makes the whole thing feel kind of bad-touch.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:50 PM on May 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


The patriotic dong:

""An "image" created to celebrate our great country's Bi-Centennial Birthday. A perfect 9-inch specimen in red, white, and blue that will show your spirit in many ways. Terrific gift item, a more than usable erotic toy that can and should be displayed throughout this year's celebration. It's lifelike design will keep it in the family for years to come."

Facing page:

"Womb broom: a haunting "image" - all (??) inches. Solid yet flexible enough to penetrate yet caress her, simultaneously."

Haunting, indeed. Worth the squinting, although the rest I'll have to skip.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:52 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Womb Broom is pretty good but I'd have called it the Quimney Sweep.
posted by nathancaswell at 7:56 PM on May 3, 2013 [61 favorites]


This... this is the greatest article ever. I'm fucking WEEPING at its glory. The subject itself. The Catholic Latinas on the dildo assembly line. The dildo COO, working diligently at his iMac, surrounded by dildos. The dildo mold artist. The dildo company veteran of 30 years. It's... it's perfect. Shut the Internet down right now.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:56 PM on May 3, 2013 [11 favorites]


uh, fuse. Melt. Dong-weld.

Deliquesce. Yeah, that was unfortunate. The state of the pillowcase that had been innocently folded nearby was almost worse.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:01 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Quimney Sweep

we are internets married now

fyi
posted by elizardbits at 8:02 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


works for me
posted by nathancaswell at 8:06 PM on May 3, 2013


HE LOST A FINGER TO BIG DILDO

guys

halp


Shake hands with danger. Step right up and say hello. Dildo factory machinery is what made... three-finger Joe. (da na da na na da!)
posted by DecemberBoy at 8:08 PM on May 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


Do they come with WiFi or do you need a dongle?
posted by islander at 8:12 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also now we need to commission The Whelk to write fanfic involving Tony Stark and his vintage Captain America dildo.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:16 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Dongs, cock rings, dick pumps, pocket pussies, strokers, suckers, strap-ons, ticklers, teasers, vibrators, ropes, whips, ball gags, anal invaders, pussy trainers, and "love spit " lubricant

Did someone inventory my dresser while I was out?
posted by pjern at 8:17 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


EXCUSE ME but Coulson is the one with all the vintage Cap stuff, hdu madam.
posted by elizardbits at 8:20 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


I recently discovered Oh Joy! A Sex Toy Comic Review Site. I mention it here because its awesome and I think this is as relevant of thread as I am likely to find any time soon. The review of the Hitachi is spot on.
posted by HMSSM at 8:21 PM on May 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


EXCUSE ME but Coulson is the one with all the vintage Cap stuff, hdu madam.

Yeah but do people really take Phil/Steve seriously? And besides, in the only fanon I bother reading it's Howard Stark who has the real collection. And wow this is probably not a path I actually want to go down, mentally. Pubescent Tony stealing Daddy's sex toys...
posted by restless_nomad at 8:24 PM on May 3, 2013


Womb Broom is pretty good but I'd have called it the Quimney Sweep.

This broom...?
posted by Sys Rq at 8:24 PM on May 3, 2013 [12 favorites]


What if my favorite sex toy is the industrial metal lathe behind him in the photo?

Use lots of lube, and remember: "As the diameter gets bigger use a slower RPM."
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:27 PM on May 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


QUIMNEY SWEEP!!!
posted by padraigin at 8:30 PM on May 3, 2013


Something that always fascinates me about factory assembly lines is the rate at which they move, because you can't help but imagine the demand side of that equation.

Yeah, articles (and pictures) like this really give me a sense of how big the world actually is. This factory is making hundreds of dildos all day, every day of the year, and yet somehow we're not swimming in a sea of dongs.
posted by mokin at 8:48 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


"If you're going to lose a digit in an industrial accident, the amount of stories you get out of losing it in the dildo factory is the way to go."

A guy calls up his wife: "Honey, I'm at the hospital, my hand got caught in a piece of machinery at work, and I lost one of my fingers."
Wife: "Oh no, was the whole finger?"
Guy: "No, the one next to it."
posted by 445supermag at 8:50 PM on May 3, 2013 [8 favorites]


HMSSM: "I recently discovered Oh Joy! A Sex Toy Comic Review Site. "

Yay! It's by Erika Moen! Her comics are awesome!
posted by ocherdraco at 8:51 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


While the porn industry is still reeling from piracy and amateurs willing to give it away for free on YouPorn,

You mean the porn industry has...taken one on the chin?
posted by notsnot at 8:53 PM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


and yet somehow we're not swimming in a sea of dongs

hilariously vivid mental image of a very different scrooge mcduck and his money bin
posted by elizardbits at 8:56 PM on May 3, 2013 [11 favorites]


You mean the porn industry has...taken one on the chin?

Maybe. But it hasn't been brought to its knees.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:56 PM on May 3, 2013


Oh, and what ever happenend to this guy?
posted by notsnot at 9:00 PM on May 3, 2013


The chaotic space of the main production floor looks like a meth cook's dream.
I'm sure there's a Breaking Bad joke to be made here.
posted by KGMoney at 9:06 PM on May 3, 2013


She was in the most recent elimination round of Strip Search. It's definitely worth watching, it's funny and quite touching at the end.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:07 PM on May 3, 2013


Someone linked to A Sexy Thing on amazon in another thread fairly recently and I found myself idly perusing other Sexy Things and oh man, the item descriptions are a combination of hilarious and grotesque.

Some of the Sexy Things themselves are grotesque as well. Behold the sex teratoma.

(Also: I am very glad other people posted because when I first saw this thread there were precisely 69 comments and I didn't want to be the one to mess that up.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:13 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


oh my god it has pubes between the boobs
posted by nathancaswell at 9:13 PM on May 3, 2013


ps Only 8 left in stock (more on the way).
posted by nathancaswell at 9:14 PM on May 3, 2013


YEAH THAT WAS THE THING THAT MADE ME O_o

THE THING

THE THIIIIING

like

A tight anus completes the Trifecta, ready for you to stretch it out.

can we not
posted by elizardbits at 9:15 PM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


What's good for Doc Johnson is good for America.

Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos
posted by homunculus at 9:16 PM on May 3, 2013


i don't even see where the anus is WHERE IS THE ANUS
posted by nathancaswell at 9:16 PM on May 3, 2013


Behold the sex teratoma.

Yes, but is the pubic hair hand-stitched?

The most horrific thing I have purchased under the influence of god knows what was this. You know if it's featured on Scary Sex Toys it's bad, but the thing that kills me is that it's not "flesh"-colored, it is a delicate carnation pink.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:17 PM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


it's where the head would be attached if there was a head attached
posted by elizardbits at 9:17 PM on May 3, 2013


in retrospect no blogger i did not wish to continue
posted by elizardbits at 9:18 PM on May 3, 2013 [13 favorites]


... Johnson?
posted by cmoj at 9:20 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


The most horrific thing I have purchased under the influence of god knows what was this.

It's like if a Beluga Whale got impregnated by a face hugger.
posted by nathancaswell at 9:21 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


EmpressCallipygos: "Behold the sex teratoma."

Public service announcement: if, like me, your usual method of determining the meaning of a word is to do a Google image search, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT do an image search for teratoma. Just leave that one undefined.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:26 PM on May 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


haha i caught someone out on tumblr like that with "docking"

i winar
posted by elizardbits at 9:27 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'll tell you what, I've seen a lot of things in my life, but going to what suburban ladies call a "pleasure party" ranks as one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done. I'd dive into one of those drums of lube at the Kink.com headquarters before I'd do that again.

I was coerced into going to one of those once and because of where I live it was like 95% military wives and the lady showing the stuff was a military wife too. I lasted about forty-five minutes; around that time, I was hoisted into the back-of-the-door thigh and wrist cuffs by two friends while a third humped me vigorously to see if it was sturdy enough to be worth purchasing. About midway through the grinding the host's snake, who I had forgotten was in the kangaroo pocket of my dress, because it's nice and warm in there, stuck his head out and proceeded to slither into the bra of the humper, upon which an expedition had to be mounted to retrieve the happy creature. Around that time, the saleslady said, "Okay, now I'm uncomfortable," and we left shortly after. Before we were asked to.

We took a bunch of the snacks with us, though.

Also welcome back elizardbits, this thread would be a golden opportunity missed without you.
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:29 PM on May 3, 2013 [20 favorites]


You ... just...happened....to have a snake in your pocket during this?

I guess it was happy to see her?
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:37 PM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


It's like if a Beluga Whale got impregnated by a face hugger.

I wouldn't use a Clark-Nova myself. Too demanding.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:51 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


One thing that I noticed recently is that all of a sudden you can find dildos in the oddest places. For example, the Solutions catalog, which used to be mostly kitchen gadgets and the like, now inexplicably has a "intimacy" section full of dildos. For years catalogs have had "massagers" that only vaguely resembled human genitalia, but I was a little surprised that all pretense at plausible deniability has been completely dropped.
posted by ob1quixote at 9:55 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: WHERE IS THE ANUS

crazed hyena lols
posted by elizardbits at 10:01 PM on May 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


"a very different scrooge mcduck

spooge mcduck

sorry. required by law.
posted by klangklangston at 10:18 PM on May 3, 2013 [11 favorites]


Elizardbits look the words right out of my mouth.
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 PM on May 3, 2013


spooge mcduck

I can't believe I didn't think of that, and I even favorited the Scrooge comment. I'm slippin', man.
posted by DecemberBoy at 10:49 PM on May 3, 2013


restless_nomad: "I have developed the bad habit of only buying sex toys late at night in hormone-fueled sprees. When the actual products arrive a week or two later, I am often utterly baffled as to what could have possibly inspired me to purchase that, and why does it smell like discarded car tires? However, I am perversely relieved to discover that I could have made even worse choices and ended up with something sporting hand-sewn pubic hair."

One of my favorite Onion articles is "Area Couple Vows Never To Go Dildo Shopping While Horny Again." I wish I could say I don't know that feeling.
posted by koeselitz at 11:49 PM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Someone linked to A Sexy Thing on amazon in another thread fairly recently and I found myself idly perusing other Sexy Things and oh man, the item descriptions are a combination of hilarious and grotesque.


Oh man that is a short journey through the uncanny valley to the land of what

I am there right now, by the way.


If you are lucky I will not send you a postcard.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:21 AM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh god, the comments on this thread have made me cry with laughter - congratulations ladies and gentlemen!
posted by halcyonday at 1:44 AM on May 4, 2013


In general, any sort of intimacy product shopping has to be done while anti-horny. Otherwise you walk out of Good Vibrations with two tasteful brown paper bags full of dildos, butt plugs, vibrators, Tenga Eggs, videos, books and lube. It's like how you should eat before going to the grocery store.

Also, put that stuff in your car before you walk to dinner afterwards, because everyone nearby knows where those bags come from.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 2:52 AM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Chad Braverman looks exactly like a guy called Chad Braverman should look.
posted by Drexen at 3:36 AM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah....its all fun and games until a bunch of poor exploited workers making only pennies an hour gets killed in some horrendous industrial dildo accident. Do you have any idea how huge the lobby is for dildo makers in this country? Have you ever noticed that patriotic dildo pinned to the lapel of Senator Johnson (R) from Oklahoma? I swear, people like that are thick in the head. And the corruption goes very very deep. Quite frankly, it rubs me the wrong way and I am sick and tired of having this issue thrust onto the national stage with every election cycle. So the next time you reach for that detachable penis, just remember, real people are dying for your pleasure.
posted by Seymour Zamboni at 5:02 AM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you're going to lose a digit in an industrial accident, the amount of stories you get out of losing it in the dildo factory is the way to go.

One of my trusty tales was relayed by an insurance adjuster buddy. The poor Hostess worker suffered a Catastrophic Johnson Reduction (CJR) by the mechanism of a Ding Dong machine.
posted by Enron Hubbard at 5:19 AM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


And the corruption goes very very deep.

I should hope so, Doc Johnson Amalgamated Dildos LLC stands by the sterling reputation for quality of its products.
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:29 AM on May 4, 2013


One of my trusty tales was relayed by an insurance adjuster buddy. The poor Hostess worker suffered a Catastrophic Johnson Reduction (CJR) by the mechanism of a Ding Dong machine.

Did he happen to mention why this guy was sticking his schlong in cupcake machinery?
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:30 AM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, articles (and pictures) like this really give me a sense of how big the world actually is. This factory is making hundreds of dildos all day, every day of the year, and yet somehow we're not swimming in a sea of dongs.

No, not hundreds:
"... using 2.5 million pounds of rubber per year to churn out a staggering 15,000 sex toys per eight-hour day, which amounts to 5 million a year."
...and that's just one of the companies, the scrappy underdog to the big Chinese steamrollers.
posted by odinsdream at 5:43 AM on May 4, 2013


I was coerced into going to one of those once and because of where I live it was like 95% military wives and the lady showing the stuff was a military wife too. I lasted about forty-five minutes; around that time, I was hoisted into the back-of-the-door thigh and wrist cuffs by two friends while a third humped me vigorously to see if it was sturdy enough to be worth purchasing. About midway through the grinding the host's snake, who I had forgotten was in the kangaroo pocket of my dress, because it's nice and warm in there, stuck his head out and proceeded to slither into the bra of the humper, upon which an expedition had to be mounted to retrieve the happy creature. Around that time, the saleslady said, "Okay, now I'm uncomfortable," and we left shortly after. Before we were asked to.

Holy jesus what the hell awesome.
posted by odinsdream at 6:03 AM on May 4, 2013


swimming in a sea of dongs

That's the place the Yellow Submarine visits after the Sea of Holes.
posted by XMLicious at 6:40 AM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sex teratoma. Oh my god, oh my god, I laughed so hard and with so many tears that my partner IMed from the other room to find out if I was being attacked.
posted by houseofdanie at 9:21 AM on May 4, 2013


ROU_Xenophobe: "...unless you have a 3d printer..."

There are myriad ways people can crank out dildos at home today with minimal effort and little to no capital investment yet the market for commercial products is growing.
posted by Mitheral at 9:26 AM on May 4, 2013


I realized I forgot to give the phrase "sex teratoma" its proper attribution. The true author is this guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:27 AM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


There are myriad ways people can crank out dildos at home today

[archer] Phrasing! [/archer]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:09 AM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Womb broom: a haunting "image" - all (??) inches. Solid yet flexible enough to penetrate yet caress her, simultaneously."

Haunting, indeed. Worth the squinting, although the rest I'll have to skip.


You Have To Get Out Of Here.

YOUR VAGINA

IS HAUNTED.

posted by zombieflanders at 10:21 AM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I would love to follow even one of these links, but my kids are in the same room as me, and I'm already giggling enough from these comments to have them wondering what I'm looking at.
posted by davejay at 12:21 PM on May 4, 2013


spooge mcduck

spooge mcgeoduck?
posted by StickyCarpet at 12:45 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh please.

Spooge McFuck, all right? SPOOGE MCFUCK.
posted by Madamina at 2:40 PM on May 4, 2013 [10 favorites]


*shocked silence*
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 3:24 PM on May 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Spooge McFuck, all right? SPOOGE MCFUCK."

That's a little on the nose, don't you think?
posted by klangklangston at 5:44 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


That's a little on the nose, don't you think?

TWSS.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 6:21 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


What about Lewdwig von Drake?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:29 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The most horrific thing I have purchased under the influence of god knows what was this. You know if it's featured on Scary Sex Toys it's bad, but the thing that kills me is that it's not "flesh"-colored, it is a delicate carnation pink.

I had two reactions: 1) it is a beautiful baroque object in its own right and 2) sweet Jesus that thing would be impossible to clean if you actually used it.

I'm going to buy it for a friend for her birthday!
posted by winna at 6:45 PM on May 4, 2013


I'm going to buy it for a friend for her birthday!

It's a perfect gag gift. No pun in... wait, no, pun totally intended.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:58 PM on May 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Someone with Photoshop and more time than me needs to take that Uncanny Valley graph and replace the pictures of people and robots with pictures of sex toys. I think the same basic principle applies.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 7:04 PM on May 4, 2013


Some of the Sexy Things themselves are grotesque as well. Behold the sex teratoma.

It has a Hitler mustache... and it's whistling!
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:35 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The sex teratoma would go way at the bottom of the uncanny dildo valley, with the zombie heads.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 8:48 PM on May 4, 2013


Also: her heart's desire is a hair brush bristling with spaghetti noodles? I had no idea.

As a young virgin, I was fascinated by those ads in dirty magazines for French ticklers and the like, that were supposed to "reach and stimulate the sensitive areas deep within her vagina." How titillating!

Imagine my disappointment to discover, post-penetration, that there was in fact not an internal clitoris-like spot hidden somewhere in the depths of my vagina, and all my "most sensitive areas" were the ones I had previously discovered within a finger's reach.

Not that those weren't awesome and all, mind you...
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:49 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I consider the most obvious sign of a dildo made by (and possibly for) men to be excessive length, probably spurred by that same misconception. I do not need something fourteen inches long, people, female anatomy just doesn't work that way. My liver does not itch and I do not need to try to scratch it.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:55 PM on May 4, 2013 [15 favorites]


A business acquaintance of a friend used to make wood dildos, lathe turned with minor hand carving afterwards, way back before eBay came down on adult listings. Maybe he still does? At any rate we were sitting around a camp fire talking one night and it was revealed that practically all of his sales were in the 10" to 16" range. We thought that was a little weird given the average length $deity$ gave most of the factory models. His speculation was that it enabled the user to hold on or at least the users thought they'd need something to hold on to. None of us had the requisite equipment to personally attest but it sounded like a good theory.
posted by Mitheral at 9:36 PM on May 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Were all of them the same length-to-width ratio? Because length becomes rapidly pointless, but every quarter inch of diameter makes a difference.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:37 PM on May 4, 2013


(And I just checked, I can totally get a good, solid two-handed grip on the Evil Demon Dildo and have a reasonable amount of usable length. I do not need a good, solid two-handed grip. I am not swinging at a fastball.)
posted by restless_nomad at 9:45 PM on May 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


No idea, I don't think I actually ever saw any. It came up in one of those "Women say size doesn't matter" discussions and this person popped out this anecdotal evidence that size does matter (everything else being equal I guess).

'Course maybe he only thought he was selling dildos and actually his entire market was security guards wanting explicitly phallic billy clubs.
posted by Mitheral at 11:00 PM on May 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Do wooden dildos sell? I'd figure splinters would be a pretty major concern.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:06 PM on May 4, 2013


Do you get splinters off of wooden furniture in good shape? Properly selected wood and an appropriate finish should prevent splinters.
posted by Mitheral at 11:45 PM on May 4, 2013


That's a little on the nose, don't you think?
Not if you turn your head to the side.
posted by dg at 3:22 AM on May 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Mitheral: “None of us had the requisite equipment to personally attest but it sounded like a good theory.”

Pish posh. Everyone has the requisite equipment, dearie. </AuntieMame>

Rustic Etruscan: “Do wooden dildos sell? I'd figure splinters would be a pretty major concern.”

I would much rather use wooden than glass. Yeah, I know I'm probably being paranoid, but... *shudder*. Polished steel is more aesthetically pleasing than anything else, really, although it sadly costs far too much to be in my price range.
posted by koeselitz at 3:56 PM on May 5, 2013


Properly selected wood and an appropriate finish should prevent splinters.

People who have put a lot more thought and personal research into this than I have tell me that you want to put a nice, nonporous finish on a wooden dildo anyway so that it's cleanable. Once you've done that, you've also solved the splinter problem.

I have idly wondered if an unfinished cedar or redwood dildo would work, if polished smooth— the oils in those woods are pretty good at being antimicrobial. On the other hand, the oils might not be nice to sensitive mucous membranes. On the third hand, sometimes people like that kind of thing. It would be a bit of a niche market I suppose.
posted by hattifattener at 6:07 PM on May 5, 2013


Wood in general is a fairly inhospitable place for microscopic baddies. Take for example wooden spoons, cutting boards or even salad bowls. They aren't treated with anything more exotic than mineral oil. While I'd probably coat a wooden sex toy with a food safe polyurethane I'd bet a non-shared toy of non-splintery wood would be fine with just a coat of mineral oil and a wipe with a soapy cloth after use.
posted by Mitheral at 6:50 PM on May 5, 2013


i'm pretty okay with the standard attachments on humans tbh, although it would be great if standard models shipped with backups for use during scheduled downtimes.
posted by elizardbits at 9:22 PM on May 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


or rechargeable batteries for when they run flat?
posted by dg at 4:28 AM on May 6, 2013


i'm pretty okay with the standard attachments on humans tbh, although it would be great if standard models shipped with backups for use during scheduled downtimes.

I didn't know they were available via mail-order in the first place.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:02 AM on May 6, 2013 [2 favorites]




Well that esclated quickly.
posted by Mitheral at 1:20 PM on May 8, 2013




No pickle dill-do? I mean, come on, that one writes itself.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:46 PM on June 2, 2013


No pickle dill-do?

(suddenly imagines straight vinegar in that part of the anatomy, winces)

I think we're all too scared of the concept.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:36 AM on June 3, 2013




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