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May 17, 2013 11:40 AM   Subscribe


 
oh god their tongues are weird
posted by invitapriore at 11:44 AM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


The sniffy inquisitive damp nose was delightful and adorable until it opened its TERRIFYING GAPING MAW and I noticed a number of things:

- the aforementioned weird tongue
- filthy raw flesh-flecked teeth
- BEAR SLOBBER okay that was actually funny
- THE BLOOD STILL SMEARED AROUND ITS MUZZLE

A-- would not snuggle
posted by elizardbits at 11:47 AM on May 17, 2013 [8 favorites]


The tongue totally reminded me I need to go to the deli.
posted by zippy at 11:51 AM on May 17, 2013


So this was news in my town this week. Mine was just a black bear.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

also I am biking and camping for a week in June and I'm pretty sure I will get killed by a bear.
posted by Lemurrhea at 11:51 AM on May 17, 2013 [4 favorites]


From that article:
“I could feel his teeth rubbing against my skull. That was the worst feeling ever,” said Joe Azougar, 30, said Sunday from his hospital bed at Lady Minto Hospital in Cochrane, Ont.
Yes. Yes, Joe Azougar of Cochrane, Ont., you have correctly identified the worst feeling ever.
posted by invitapriore at 11:58 AM on May 17, 2013 [48 favorites]


Also is not 400 lbs way above average for a black bear, or are things just different up in the untamed wilds of Canada?
posted by invitapriore at 11:59 AM on May 17, 2013


My 90 pound boxer dog presents me with the same view in the mornings if I try and sleep in too late and don't wake up to play/feed him/let him outside. Only with less chomping....
posted by jeribus at 12:01 PM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


That dude is awfully coherent for someone being interviewed about how it felt to almost be eaten by a bear. Even 10 years later my thoughts would still just be lots of screaming and swearing and maybe a little peeing on the floor.
posted by elizardbits at 12:02 PM on May 17, 2013 [12 favorites]


Even 10 years later my thoughts would still just be lots of screaming and swearing and maybe a little peeing on the floor.

Or as well call it around here: Friday night.
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:04 PM on May 17, 2013 [14 favorites]


When I drove up to my cabin way up in the hills of West Virginia last week, I saw a coke bottle lying in the road in and thought to myself, "uh, oh, somebody's been in the cabin and used a coke bottle for target practice." The bottle was cracked and full of holes that really made it look like someone had shot it. Then I got to the cabin and found another one lying just off the porch, same story. Then I found a bottle of cooking oil, except that had oil spread in a patch all around it. THEN I found one of the big 5 gallon water jugs, I know I'd left full, beside the shed with the same bullet holes in it! That was it, I was going to walk around the place before going in and see where these ne're-do-wells had broken in and then I'd call the sheriff.

Then I found an old bottle of Aquashade that the previous owner had left under the cabin, that I'd never messed with, because who wants that crap? The bottle also hat the same holes in it and around it was a big circle of blue. Leading from the blue circle and off into the woods was a perfect set of bear prints in that same aquashade blue. Everywhere I hiked all week long, even quite a distance from the cabin, I'd find a blue leaf here; a tree with a big blue smudge there; sometimes even a perfect, blue paw print on a rock. Apparently Mr. or Ms. Bear was dyed for quite some time and really got around. Luckily he/she decided not to actually break into the cabin, but decided to snoop around for the contents of every plastic container he/she could find. He/she even chewed the label off a couple of bottles of beer, but never managed to get the cap off (thank the lord, because then there would have been a break in!) I'd left the bottles of liquid on the porch because I thought them safe from snoopers, but apt to burst from freezing temperatures. I wonder if the guys in the video had also learned that good things often come in plastic cases?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:12 PM on May 17, 2013 [4 favorites]


Even 10 years later my thoughts would still just be lots of screaming and swearing and maybe a little peeing on the floor.

I thought this was for every thought?
posted by zippy at 12:13 PM on May 17, 2013


That dude is awfully coherent for someone being interviewed about how it felt to almost be eaten by a bear. Even 10 years later my thoughts would still just be lots of screaming and swearing and maybe a little peeing on the floor.

This reminds me of a really great metafilter post!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:15 PM on May 17, 2013


I wonder if the guys in the video had also learned that good things often come in plastic cases?

Yeah, my closest bear encounter was the result of not having thought about the aromatic appeal of flavored toothpaste among the ursine set, but come to think of it I don't think the bear would have known that the toothpaste was in a plastic container unless it could smell that too.
posted by invitapriore at 12:21 PM on May 17, 2013


Also is not 400 lbs way above average for a black bear, or are things just different up in the untamed wilds of Canada?

Apparently not, even in wild Canada:

Black bear weight tends to vary according to age, sex, health, and season. Seasonal variation in weight is very pronounced: in autumn, their pre-den weight tends to be 30% higher than in spring, when black bears emerge from their dens. Black bears on the East Coast tend to be heavier on average than those on the West Coast, although black bears follow Bergmann's rule and bears from the northwest are often slightly heavier than the bears from the southeast. Adult males typically weigh between 57–250 kg (130–550 lb), while females weigh 33% less at 41–170 kg (90–370 lb).[5][37]
posted by rtha at 12:47 PM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


Bamse is the Norwegian for bear and sounds less threatening. It'll still hurt as he's gnawing your head though.
posted by arcticseal at 12:56 PM on May 17, 2013


Stay tuned for sequel, in which we finally get the answer to the ultimate question.
posted by jquinby at 12:57 PM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]




hmm, I only get an error message when I click on the movie: invalid content specified.
posted by Pendragon at 1:27 PM on May 17, 2013


perhaps not a great video to watch full screen...
posted by garlic at 1:29 PM on May 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


A-- would not snuggle

This is where we differ, I would snuggle the fuck out of a bear.

I have an entire plan, I'm going to find myself a sweet little grizzly, surround it with the one thing that they are absolutely terrified of; housecats.

Then I'm going to come to the rescue! I'll chase the cats away with a judicious application of Monster Spray Bottle, and then bring the poor scared full-sized griz home.

Where it will sleep at the end of my bed, being sweet and lovey for having been saved from the deadly cat villains.

I'll feed it honey, fish and sides of beef. Pretty much what the rest of my house already eats. Then we'll go around solving crimes. We'll be known as "quin and the smart one".

The only way I see this going wrong is when the bear realizes that the cats also live in the house. But hey, that's a problem for future me.
posted by quin at 1:53 PM on May 17, 2013 [6 favorites]


Seriously, it's a good thing bears were never domesticated, because I'd have a house full of them.
posted by quin at 1:54 PM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]



The sniffy inquisitive damp nose was delightful and adorable until it opened its TERRIFYING GAPING MAW and I noticed a number of things:

- the aforementioned weird tongue
- filthy raw flesh-flecked teeth
- BEAR SLOBBER okay that was actually funny
- THE BLOOD STILL SMEARED AROUND ITS MUZZLE


I had these thoughts in this order.

A-- would not snuggle

no no of course not .
posted by sweetkid at 1:56 PM on May 17, 2013


Bears have always looked weirdly amorphous to me, like they're the template for a lot of mammals but instead of filling in the placeholders and getting e.g. a dog somebody left the lorem ipsum in there and just went ahead and published the thing.
posted by invitapriore at 2:18 PM on May 17, 2013 [17 favorites]


Seriously, it's a good thing bears were never domesticated, because I'd have a house full of them.

Let me get Werner Herzog on the phone berfore you start up that project.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:17 PM on May 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


You Must Never Listen to This!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:44 PM on May 17, 2013 [3 favorites]


invitapriore: "Bears have always looked weirdly amorphous to me, like they're the template for a lot of mammals"

If you haven't seen a bear without all the fur, I suggest you google that immediately. It will become clear that they're basically hefty murder-dogs.
posted by vanar sena at 4:08 PM on May 17, 2013 [6 favorites]


That bear must have the worst salmon breath.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:13 PM on May 17, 2013


If bears were just a teeny bit smarter and reproduced more quickly, we would not be the dominant species in this planet, no sir.
posted by emjaybee at 4:22 PM on May 17, 2013


No, it would be sea-pirate bears who rode around on orcas, just killin shit all over the place.
posted by elizardbits at 4:32 PM on May 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


I would watch the shit out of that movie.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:38 PM on May 17, 2013


I know this is a cliche by now, but please join my new death metal band Hefty Murder-Dogs.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:40 PM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


No, it would be sea-pirate bears who rode around on orcas, just killin shit all over the place.

Danger Bay just got a whole lot dangerouser!
posted by Sys Rq at 4:41 PM on May 17, 2013




OK, the hairy guy in the banana hammock in the middle of the naked bear google image search results is pretty darn funny.
posted by jamaro at 7:37 PM on May 17, 2013 [2 favorites]


After his comment about peeing on the floor, I just had to look and see how many favorites elizardbits had and it looks like he'll surpass 50k favs tonight, with the correct amount of dancing-monkey entertainment and jokes.

Good luck, we're all counting on you.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 8:17 PM on May 17, 2013 [1 favorite]


He? I think you've got your bits mixed up.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:22 PM on May 17, 2013


I think you've got your bits mixed up.

*checks down pants*

No, that's the way they looked this morning. Oh wait, you mean for elizardbits. Appy polly loggies.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 8:50 PM on May 17, 2013


OK, who's ready to start the sneaky viral parodies of GoPro videos? Let's brainstorm.

Erm..."Trash Compactor Beast from Star Wars grabbed my GoPro!"

Maybe that's too obvious.

"GoPro Fell in Top Chef's Soup, Served to Diner!"

Mmm, no.

"Feral Cats Carry GoPro to Lair, Start Speaking Middle English!"

Has potential, needs more work...
posted by Miko at 9:07 PM on May 17, 2013






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