This is actually not the Onion.
May 21, 2013 5:11 AM Subscribe
A&W is paying to put mini ads in men's beards
Do You Have An Epic Beard?
Do people stare at its awesomeness? Of course they do. Do you wanna get paid for having an epic beard? Of course you do. Join the world's first Beardvertising network. Get paid.
It's simple - turn your beard into a business. Just like "Duck Dynasty". Hang a BeardBoard (Patent Pending) in your beard. Sit back and get paid up to $5* per day.
Hiler told BI, 'We're getting a ton of emails from guys with epic beards that want to host beardboards and we're actually in talks with some brands that want to be Beardvertisers. I think we'll probably be seeing some beardboards in the wild before too long.
Do You Have An Epic Beard?
Do people stare at its awesomeness? Of course they do. Do you wanna get paid for having an epic beard? Of course you do. Join the world's first Beardvertising network. Get paid.
It's simple - turn your beard into a business. Just like "Duck Dynasty". Hang a BeardBoard (Patent Pending) in your beard. Sit back and get paid up to $5* per day.
Hiler told BI, 'We're getting a ton of emails from guys with epic beards that want to host beardboards and we're actually in talks with some brands that want to be Beardvertisers. I think we'll probably be seeing some beardboards in the wild before too long.
I read the phrase "high concept platform" while looking at that picture and my brain just gave up and shut down. What is this? I don't even.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 5:20 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by C'est la D.C. at 5:20 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I hate the misuse of the word 'epic.' that said, are the ads for the root beer or the drive-in? If its the former maybe foam in the 'stache would work better.
posted by jonmc at 5:21 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jonmc at 5:21 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Pro Tip: Hang your Beardboard below today's breakfast remnants but above any bird nests as they can be messy and may obscure your message.
posted by tommasz at 5:23 AM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 5:23 AM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
The real marketing is not the ads in the beards, it is the media coverage this stunt will draw. Well played, beardvertisers.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:23 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 5:23 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
The problem (well, one problem) is that the ads are small, so either they have to have a punchy image, or these "beardvertisers" will have people getting all close to them to read the fine print. That, or people will be telling them "hey, I think you have something stuck in your beard" all day. Some kind strangers might go as far as to pluck the offending signage out of an epic beard.
posted by filthy light thief at 5:24 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by filthy light thief at 5:24 AM on May 21, 2013
$5? Really, they only pay $5 a day for you to walk around like an idiot? I'm not sure the bearded men they are going to get for $5/day are the ones that they really want their ads on. Why not just pay a homeless guy to hold up a sign that says "Will work for A&W curly fries"?
Incidentally, this "article" and its "buzz" are the actual ads. No one will actually walk around with an ad in their beard.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:25 AM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Incidentally, this "article" and its "buzz" are the actual ads. No one will actually walk around with an ad in their beard.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:25 AM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
As a woman who cannot currently* grow a beard, I would like A&W to know that I would happily host a small advertisement in my eyebrows and/or pubic hair for $5 a day.
*come on modern technology
posted by fight or flight at 5:26 AM on May 21, 2013 [7 favorites]
*come on modern technology
posted by fight or flight at 5:26 AM on May 21, 2013 [7 favorites]
There's a joke about traffic density somewhere in there Fight or Flight...
posted by smcniven at 5:28 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by smcniven at 5:28 AM on May 21, 2013
Why not just pay a homeless guy to hold up a sign...
posted by cjorgensen at 5:29 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by cjorgensen at 5:29 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
The immediate disgusting image of men having bits of A&W hamburger in their beards is not helped by having the word 'onion' in the post title.
posted by painquale at 5:41 AM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by painquale at 5:41 AM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Why not just pay a homeless guy to hold up a sign...
I had to check that link wasn't a joke. It's not. Now I hate everything and everyone.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:43 AM on May 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
I had to check that link wasn't a joke. It's not. Now I hate everything and everyone.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:43 AM on May 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
The Daily Show did a great segment on Bumvertising.
I'm in.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:48 AM on May 21, 2013
I'm in.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:48 AM on May 21, 2013
Well, they made it onto the front-page of Metafilter for less outlay then the usual sponsors do, so looks like they won this one.
posted by Static Vagabond at 6:00 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Static Vagabond at 6:00 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Besides microads, beards also feature burger product samples and smell-o-vision.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:01 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by KokuRyu at 6:01 AM on May 21, 2013
Really,they only pay $5 a day for you to walk around like an idiot?
Seems low until I realize I've been doing it for free for years like a chump.
Seriously, though, this is that weird type of ridiculousness that makes me think in fifty years they may be able to make a Mad Men for 2013 that comments on our life and times. Whether or not this seems silly or if our mocking seems naive remains to be seen.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:08 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Seems low until I realize I've been doing it for free for years like a chump.
Seriously, though, this is that weird type of ridiculousness that makes me think in fifty years they may be able to make a Mad Men for 2013 that comments on our life and times. Whether or not this seems silly or if our mocking seems naive remains to be seen.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:08 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: IMAGINE IF THIS CAT WAS YOUR AD
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:11 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Smart Dalek at 6:11 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
My beard costs $500 a day. LET'S TALK
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 6:16 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 6:16 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wrote a short story about fusing dynamic advertising displays into eyelids so that we'd have a new ad every time we blinked. It's coming true.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:25 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:25 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
My beard-space targets a sizable and extremely affluent demographic... but unfortunately I don't think any of them would get within 100 feet of an A&W, even if there were an ad in my beard.
Two of my 8-year-old students told me recently that they've never been into a Mcdonalds.
posted by Huck500 at 6:25 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Two of my 8-year-old students told me recently that they've never been into a Mcdonalds.
posted by Huck500 at 6:25 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
ctrl+F "root beard", 0 results found.
posted by dirtdirt at 6:39 AM on May 21, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by dirtdirt at 6:39 AM on May 21, 2013 [11 favorites]
I know a beard buyer at Ogilvy who does not think this is funny. Not at all.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 6:45 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 6:45 AM on May 21, 2013
The problem (well, one problem) is that the ads are small, so either they have to have a punchy image, or these "beardvertisers" will have people getting all close to them to read the fine print.
Actually, the problem is that linux distros traditionally have very limited advertising budgets. I keed, I keed.
posted by The Bellman at 6:52 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Actually, the problem is that linux distros traditionally have very limited advertising budgets. I keed, I keed.
posted by The Bellman at 6:52 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
'Scuse me, sir? Sir? You have something stuck in your beard.
posted by michellenoel at 7:01 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by michellenoel at 7:01 AM on May 21, 2013
I would love something vagina-related to be one of those ads. Because I have the sense of humor of a ten-year old boy.
posted by angrycat at 7:05 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by angrycat at 7:05 AM on May 21, 2013
The real marketing is not the ads in the beards, it is the media coverage this stunt will draw.
Does any of this, you know, sell the product, though? Seeing a sign in someone's beard is kind of ick. That is not a sight likely to make me want to rush out and buy a burger and root beer. Whenever I hear about these kinds of "buzz-generating" gimmicks I wonder if the ad agency is the only one actually making any money off them.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:17 AM on May 21, 2013
Does any of this, you know, sell the product, though? Seeing a sign in someone's beard is kind of ick. That is not a sight likely to make me want to rush out and buy a burger and root beer. Whenever I hear about these kinds of "buzz-generating" gimmicks I wonder if the ad agency is the only one actually making any money off them.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:17 AM on May 21, 2013
A&W is missing the point. Beards are not the center of marketing; they're the center of production.
posted by HeroZero at 7:20 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by HeroZero at 7:20 AM on May 21, 2013
Really,they only pay $5 a day for you to walk around like an idiot?
Eh, I'll have nothing else to do when I'm colonizing Mars.
posted by mazola at 7:24 AM on May 21, 2013
Eh, I'll have nothing else to do when I'm colonizing Mars.
posted by mazola at 7:24 AM on May 21, 2013
Well, they made it onto the front-page of Metafilter for less outlay then the usual sponsors do, so looks like they won this one.
Well, let's say they pay one guy for a year. That's shy of 2k or about the number of hits this post will generate. That's $1 a click. That's a failure in my mind. And sounds like they are paying more than one guy.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:28 AM on May 21, 2013
Well, let's say they pay one guy for a year. That's shy of 2k or about the number of hits this post will generate. That's $1 a click. That's a failure in my mind. And sounds like they are paying more than one guy.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:28 AM on May 21, 2013
Pepsi Bluebeard
I can't believe no one made that joke yet
posted by mkultra at 7:29 AM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
I can't believe no one made that joke yet
posted by mkultra at 7:29 AM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Pepsi Bluebeard
Wouldn't that... require you to put advertising on the bodies of your secretly murdered wives?
Quite possibly the worst advertising idea ever, and that is saying a lot.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:41 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Wouldn't that... require you to put advertising on the bodies of your secretly murdered wives?
Quite possibly the worst advertising idea ever, and that is saying a lot.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:41 AM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Not least because who is going to see an ad on the body of a murdered wife when she's been locked away in a secret room?
Let's think about available footfall here, people.
posted by fight or flight at 7:54 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let's think about available footfall here, people.
posted by fight or flight at 7:54 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
So I'm going to display my ignorance and ask: how exactly do marketing tactics like this work? Personally speaking, a clever ad won't make me want the product more if it isn't a good product to start with. I guess it reminds me that the brand still exists. And I do frequently forget that A&W exists.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 7:57 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by C'est la D.C. at 7:57 AM on May 21, 2013
$5 a day is waaaay undervaluing a beard.
posted by MrBobaFett at 8:09 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by MrBobaFett at 8:09 AM on May 21, 2013
i will not exploit my beard for money. only for sex. with other dudes with beards.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:09 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by fallacy of the beard at 8:09 AM on May 21, 2013
i will not exploit my beard for money. only for sex. with other dudes with beards.
I will not offer my beard as a billboard for $5, but I will continue to offer moustache rides, 5¢!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 8:31 AM on May 21, 2013
I will not offer my beard as a billboard for $5, but I will continue to offer moustache rides, 5¢!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 8:31 AM on May 21, 2013
This is perfect. Most folks I know with big bushy beards are clearly in love with the attention they receive for it. Hanging a sign on your face should only amplify said attention, so everyone wins, I guess.
posted by blue t-shirt at 8:51 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by blue t-shirt at 8:51 AM on May 21, 2013
I thought I clearly just didn't like shaving, who knew it was narcissistic NOT to self-groom?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:01 AM on May 21, 2013
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:01 AM on May 21, 2013
Has this been submitted to The On1on?
Your link has convinced me to go ahead with my plan to start a news satire porn site: The Onan!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:12 AM on May 21, 2013
Your link has convinced me to go ahead with my plan to start a news satire porn site: The Onan!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:12 AM on May 21, 2013
Reporter (sotto voce): Come with us now as we follow Geets Romo in a search of what the hipsters call “market testing”. So as not to attract attention to myself I am disguised as a hipster, wearing a trucker's cap, an ironic t-shirt, skinny jeans, and Buddy Holly glasses. I am displaying a micro-ad for A&W Rootbeer, cleverly concealed in a very convincing false beard and the power source is hidden in a paper bag with a grease spot on it.
Reporter (louder): Hey Daddy-o, how do I look?
Romo: Oh the humanity. Just don’t talk ok?
Reporter: Oh, good, someone is coming down the street now who seems to recognize Mr. Romo.
Benny: Hey baby what’s happening.
Romo: Hey nothing how you goin'.
Benny: So, like who's the geek with the uh gum wrapper in his beard?
Romo: Yeah well, you wouldn’t believe me 'cuz I don’t believe me, but it’s cool.
Benny: You sure?
Romo: Yeah. What, i’m sure, ok? You got it all baby.
Benny: Yeah? Well that's a drag, I'm sure.
No? W'den . . .
Salesman: "I don't know whether you'll believe this, Mr. Ellis, but one of us is actually wearing a beardboard -- at this moment."
Ellis: Well -- you all are, aren't you?
posted by Herodios at 9:39 AM on May 21, 2013
Reporter (louder): Hey Daddy-o, how do I look?
Romo: Oh the humanity. Just don’t talk ok?
Reporter: Oh, good, someone is coming down the street now who seems to recognize Mr. Romo.
Benny: Hey baby what’s happening.
Romo: Hey nothing how you goin'.
Benny: So, like who's the geek with the uh gum wrapper in his beard?
Romo: Yeah well, you wouldn’t believe me 'cuz I don’t believe me, but it’s cool.
Benny: You sure?
Romo: Yeah. What, i’m sure, ok? You got it all baby.
Benny: Yeah? Well that's a drag, I'm sure.
No? W'den . . .
Salesman: "I don't know whether you'll believe this, Mr. Ellis, but one of us is actually wearing a beardboard -- at this moment."
Ellis: Well -- you all are, aren't you?
posted by Herodios at 9:39 AM on May 21, 2013
As a woman who cannot currently* grow a beard...
Beards? pfftt!
Boobs.
Boobs is where it's at. ~40% of the human race has their eyes at that level anyway....
posted by BlueHorse at 1:52 PM on May 21, 2013
Beards? pfftt!
Boobs.
Boobs is where it's at. ~40% of the human race has their eyes at that level anyway....
posted by BlueHorse at 1:52 PM on May 21, 2013
Saw this linked yesterday, since beard porn is such a thing here we've got a band called The Beards that Kesha flew to Sydney to see and then started a beard tumblr. I feel sexually inadequate 'cause i don't have a beard. assumed this link was a joke
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:41 PM on May 21, 2013
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:41 PM on May 21, 2013
I knew my beard would pay off eventually.
posted by brundlefly at 5:37 PM on May 21, 2013
posted by brundlefly at 5:37 PM on May 21, 2013
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