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TONG ALL CATTES
May 25, 2013 8:20 PM   Subscribe

Tonging doesn't hurt the cat, but it definitely annoys them.
posted by Pope Guilty (40 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
actually, nearly everything annoys a cat.. other than salmon...
posted by HuronBob at 8:27 PM on May 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


cattonging.tumblr.com is one of the strangest...

No. Damnit. I already made that reference this weekend.
posted by radwolf76 at 8:28 PM on May 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


They're doin' it wrong. The best way to annoy a cat with a pair of tongs is to use them to pluck very gently at the near-invisible fine hairs at the very edge of the cat's fur, which will drive the cat absolutely bug-nuts.

I mean, grabbing the cat's head and twisting it about like you're trying to extract it from the birth canal is fine entertainment and all, but the fur-plucking thing is where you get the biggest reaction for the least effort in my experience.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:53 PM on May 25, 2013 [14 favorites]


This is simultaneously the safest and least safe way to interact with a cat.
posted by Riki tiki at 8:53 PM on May 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


You know what else is fun? Scotch-taping cats. Just a two-inch piece of the stuff attached to Pussy's nerve-rich back and you're in for some mean, mean fun.
posted by item at 8:54 PM on May 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, firecrackers inserted into the anus is a blast.

Your anus, not the cats.
posted by item at 8:56 PM on May 25, 2013 [11 favorites]


seems less like they're annoyed with it and more like they think it's some kind of toy.
posted by smoothvirus at 9:00 PM on May 25, 2013


Poom
posted by JHarris at 9:28 PM on May 25, 2013 [20 favorites]


Next: Woking your dog.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:31 PM on May 25, 2013 [13 favorites]


The tong is over, but the meowlody lingers on...
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:02 PM on May 25, 2013 [13 favorites]


The music really sells it. Especially "Mars, Bringer of War."

Because if you annoy a cat, it's ON.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:06 PM on May 25, 2013


Neat! So many different models of tongs!
posted by porpoise at 10:12 PM on May 25, 2013 [6 favorites]


I have no idea how these people got their cats wedged into their tongs, or why.
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:09 PM on May 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


Cat tonging? Pick on someone your own size.
posted by Cranberry at 11:11 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I really don't think the cats like this.
posted by Joe Chip at 11:18 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's not so much that the cats don't like it, as they cannot fathom how humans can be so stupid* and yet have these opposable thumbs that are so handy for opening those cans of tuna. Which cats love.

*I say this as someone who used to dress cats and kittens up in doll clothes, with bonnets and booties and everything, and parade them up and down my block in a tiny fake grocery cart that I pretended was a baby carriage. That there is no photographic evidence of this is simultaneously the single greatest blessing and also a huge injustice.
posted by bilabial at 11:25 PM on May 25, 2013 [9 favorites]


*I say this as someone who used to dress cats and kittens up in doll clothes, with bonnets and booties and everything, and parade them up and down my block in a tiny fake grocery cart that I pretended was a baby carriage

Yes, but you've come a long way since the events of last week.
posted by item at 11:28 PM on May 25, 2013 [28 favorites]


I do not understand how these people were still physically functional enough to post these photos post-cat-tonging. zencat perches near my feet with the promise of murder, mayhem and posthumous mutilation in her eyes the moment I'm late for her scheduled feeding. If I tried this zencat would suffocate me in my sleep with her furry wide ass.
posted by zennish at 11:42 PM on May 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cat tonging? The pair that's long enough hasn't been invented yet. At least for my household. Spooky clawing at a distance, mofos.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 11:49 PM on May 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


The correct method of tonging a cat to its satisfaction is the offer the tong, holding it still, and allow the cat to rub the tong at its pleasure. Having rubbed its scent into the tong, you may then scratch gently behind the cat's ears with the tong. When the purring stops or the ears go back, remove the blasted tongs from the cat's general vicinity.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:17 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


TONGUE ALL DOGGES.
posted by taz at 1:17 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


BREAKING VIDEO FROM THE SOUTH OF FRANCE

Tongs vs. Zoomy Black Cat, with emphatic meowing

Tongs vs. Fluffy Maine Coon, with gentle curiosity
posted by fraula at 1:51 AM on May 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


This seems like the perfect way to pay back the jumping-on-the-stomach-in-the middle-of-the-night or the oh-hai-i-didn't-just-knock-that-priceless-heirloom-off-shelf tricks. Not cruel, just mean.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 1:55 AM on May 26, 2013


I thought tongueing a cat was to grab its widdle little tongue when it's sticking out.
posted by MartinWisse at 4:07 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


On a related note: here's John Scalzi's canonical cat bacon-taping page.

(One of these days I'm going to tape tofu to my cat, but probably not to Mafdet: she's nearly 19 and would just sleep through it.)
posted by cstross at 4:46 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Whelp, let's see if this fits the scale of Can This Meme Be Sung As The Chorus to David Bowie's Let's Dance: " Cat Tong!"

It fits. Please enjoy this meme without hesitation then.
posted by The Whelk at 6:21 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


All these people with death-wishes. I know what would happen to me if I tried this and I would pay.
posted by leslies at 6:45 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


tong ta tong tong tong
posted by Teakettle at 8:35 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Whelp, let's see if this fits the scale of Can This Meme Be Sung As The Chorus to David Bowie's Let's Dance: " Cat Tong!"

Of course, it works well with the TV Batman theme, too.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:39 AM on May 26, 2013


All these people with death-wishes. I know what would happen to me if I tried this and I would pay.

No worries! It's been a few hours since my attempts (see video footage above) and my furballs are contentedly sleeping beside me. The big fluffy one likes to get up on my chest. Aww, how sweet, he's put his paws on my shoulder.

...erm, now the little one's jumping on me......

oh merdaspsoijsdf '#½¾
posted by fraula at 8:39 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


This incapacitated me with laughter, possibly because I am a dumb person.
posted by whitneyarner at 8:49 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is hysterical and I would totally do this, but my cat is an absolutely gentle, affectionate sweetie who would never do anything to deserve the humiliation.

she's watching over my shoulder right now. The cat controls me. send help!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:13 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


The best part of this whole thing is "Tong All Cattes". That has made me chuckle several times. The cat-tonging...less so.
posted by biscotti at 9:16 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


What the hell?

Nobody has said "Whassamatter, cat got your tong" yet?
posted by moonmilk at 10:56 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Do this to wolverines and I'll be impressed.
posted by tommasz at 11:35 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


"They're doin' it wrong. The best way to annoy a cat with a pair of tongs is to use them to pluck very gently at the near-invisible fine hairs at the very edge of the cat's fur, which will drive the cat absolutely bug-nuts."

I approve of this. But, my Absolute Favourite Method is to lay on the floor besides the snoozing feline target. Every so lightly touch the fine hairs just inside the tips of the ears. There is some ear twitching. Then some more robust twitching. Finally, the cat will open one eye languidly and espy upon you.

One of mine will then put his paw out, claws fully extended, on top of my hand. I feel the message is, "Hello Master Of Food and Treats and Affection. Just so you know, I will tolerate some of this behavior of yours because I understand my position in the food chain. Be aware, however, the limits placed upon you, for I will surely fuck you up if you cross those."

Just a feeling.
posted by it must be bunnies at 11:38 AM on May 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have no idea how these people got their cats wedged in their tongs or why etc etc.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:07 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's just a shame there's no single word for "very gradually pushing one side of your cat harder and harder, so it pushes harder against you to stay upright whilst becoming endearingly irate, and then very quickly pushing it in the other direction so it immediately falls over and suffers a 100% loss of dignity".
posted by ominous_paws at 12:45 PM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Moonmilk: here you go.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 3:05 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh man. My worlds are colliding. At least one of my cats is in there somewhere and I know of most of the other cats, due to the Something Awful thread that originated this tonging nonsense.

Also Trophy is pretty much the best cat on the internet.
posted by elsietheeel at 4:56 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


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