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Surviving Edged Weapons
May 28, 2013 9:13 AM   Subscribe

Chris Sims, formerly of Comics Alliance (previously) , takes a look at 7 awesome moments in the greatest police training video ever.
posted by Artw (29 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite

 
You know that Queen Elizabeth has her some knife-corgis.

"Oh my, an assassin." "YIP!" "Be a dear and clean him up please..."
posted by Blue Meanie at 9:22 AM on May 28, 2013


No, I ain't not never losing no fight to no scumbag who ain't not out there in no ghetto, no sirree.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:27 AM on May 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


Look I'm not glorifying the blade, I'm just saying we should listen to what it has to say. Grasp the hilt, feel it flowing through you. Let it speak to your inner most mind, the thoughts and desires hidden even to yourself. Is your mouth dry? The blade is thirsty. Bathe in it's most beloved way and feel yourself, refreshed, upbeat, more confidant at home and at the office.

only two easy payments of 19.95*, act now and get a whet stone inscribed with dire ruins at no extra charge. Call now! Operators are standing by.



*plus S&H
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Video, for the interested.
posted by fifthrider at 9:30 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Is it me, or does the sweaty, mustachioed face of knife culture look like Tom Savini?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:41 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


You know you are in for some quality false-security, hypervigilance porn when you see the Calibre Press label!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 9:49 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


You know, in the 80s, we poked fun at the 70s. I recently heard some kids bagging on the "2000s" recently, and reddit's nostalgia for the ancient 90s is remarkable. But really, just because this video is 30+ years old doesn't mean that the message is trite or really even dated. I am not saying it isn't ridiculous - in fact, quite the opposite. I am saying that the police today are no more sophisticated than the police of a not so long ago 1988.

The "No, I ain't not never losing no fight to no scumbag who ain't not out there in no ghetto, no sirree" attitude is as real today and is still representative of law enforcement and security professionals and consultants' attitudes across the USA. That's what I am saying.

Be afraid, be amused, or even both. A sizable portion of the population is weirdly but accurately represented by such paragons as George Zimmerman - and Uncle Rico.
posted by Xoebe at 9:51 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


A video that trains our police to fight against actual cavemen, satanic cultists and also businessmen armed with knives disguised as ballpoint pens is nothing if not comprehensive.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:59 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Night Vale's secret police has to be prepared for anything.
posted by The Whelk at 10:04 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Dudes no one has any clue how to fight MY caveman army.

I mean OK, GUNS would probably work if you want to go that route, but outside of that, look out!

They might not fare so well against attack dogs, granted. But besides attack dogs and guns, look out!

It's been brought to my attention that amplified sound might terrify my troglodyte mercenary force, so we'll avoid engaging anyone with a boom box. Outside of loud noises, attack dogs, and guns - look out!
posted by Mister_A at 10:11 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Instructor: Poin-ted sticks? Ho ho ho! We want to learn how to defend ourselves against poin-ted sticks, do we?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 10:23 AM on May 28, 2013


I noticed it didn't cover this.
posted by pjern at 10:41 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


"No son of a bitch out there is gonna get me. Period."
Who else thinks he might have been stabbed by his wife?
posted by mfu at 10:46 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


"I ain't never dying in no ghetto" is a bit racist coming from a cop, but probably good words to live by for all nevertheless.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:53 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I noticed it didn't cover this.

Stick-knife technique is undefeatable.
posted by Artw at 11:02 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I feel like the five minute summary of the movie works best. Especially after the two-minute mark.
posted by flatluigi at 11:03 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Never mind that above video link. This, friends, is the one you're after.
posted by perianwyr at 11:03 AM on May 28, 2013


...Actually, the one *right* above is still the one you want.
posted by perianwyr at 11:04 AM on May 28, 2013


"I ain't never dying in no ghetto" is a bit racist coming from a cop, but probably good words to live by for all nevertheless.

It was more than a bit racist, but it would be fun to mash it up with "You Won't Bleed Me" from Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:13 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, _thats_ why he's writing for cracked now, and hasn't been updating ask-chris.
Dammit AOL.
posted by lkc at 12:21 PM on May 28, 2013


Truly the best of the web. Now I know what to do if a member of Mungo Jerry comes at me with a chainsaw.
posted by dr_dank at 12:35 PM on May 28, 2013


Mister_A: ... Outside of loud noises, attack dogs, and guns - look out!

"Amongst our weaponry are such elements as...I'll come in again."
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:48 PM on May 28, 2013


I love that Sims refers to the film as "SEW". That one had me in stitches.
posted by maniabug at 1:18 PM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


‘Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults Part 2’: Satanists love strolls through the park
posted by homunculus at 2:33 PM on May 28, 2013


"The good knife fighter thinks on point and blade and shearing-guard simultaneously. The point can also cut; the blade can also stab; the shearing-guard can also trap your opponent's blade."
         -- Rictus Hep (via Gurney Halleck)
posted by sourcequench at 6:57 PM on May 28, 2013


"Calm the fuck down; TSA hasn't even been invented yet."

Chris is my hero.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 8:55 PM on May 28, 2013


"...a baseball cap, with razor blades sewn to the back, which can be swing by the bill to cut your face..."
posted by salvia at 11:21 PM on May 28, 2013


* swung
posted by salvia at 11:58 PM on May 28, 2013


I for one am glad this is getting some notice. I don't even want to talk about how many ghetto scumbags I've had to deal with that proudly display their bear claw knife between their breasts!
posted by Rocket Surgeon at 12:14 AM on May 29, 2013


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