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He stood in a backyard and waited for his life to begin.
June 4, 2013 1:26 PM   Subscribe


 
I'm reminded of Donald Barthelme's The School. (PDF)
posted by emelenjr at 1:30 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


What hellish new world is this where people can add banal annotations to images in gawker articles?
posted by elizardbits at 1:32 PM on June 4, 2013 [19 favorites]


I am often reminded of Mark Strand's poem the Tunnel except with bears.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:33 PM on June 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Maybe he is waiting for his birthday party guests to arrive.
posted by adipocere at 1:34 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


What hellish new world is this where people can add banal annotations to images in gawker articles?
posted by elizardbits at 4:32 PM on June 4 [+] [!]

posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:35 PM on June 4, 2013 [16 favorites]


If only Timothy Treadwell were still alive.
posted by seemoreglass at 1:37 PM on June 4, 2013


Aw, bear.
posted by MissySedai at 1:41 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Failed to pay bear tax
posted by thelonius at 1:41 PM on June 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Oh come" they said, "Oh come to Montclair!"
"Montclair?" said he, "But I'm a bear!
All black and brown, and covered in hair!"

posted by enkd at 1:42 PM on June 4, 2013 [16 favorites]


Aww. That is heartbreaking. Poor bear. I'll be your friend.
posted by DecemberBoy at 1:42 PM on June 4, 2013


There were bears wandering around my elementary school all the time. New Jersey is the best.
posted by Rory Marinich at 1:42 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


That statement would be funnier if you were from chicago.
posted by elizardbits at 1:43 PM on June 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Soldier Field or Northalsted?
posted by kmz at 1:44 PM on June 4, 2013


Please don't ban me for self-linking I am not the author but I am this bear.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:44 PM on June 4, 2013 [23 favorites]


Please don't ban me for self-linking I am not the author but I am this bear.

Nobody understands bears, do they? I'm sorry. I just want you to know you're not alone. There are other bears out there for you.
posted by DecemberBoy at 1:47 PM on June 4, 2013


I for one am surprised there are wild bears in New Jersey.
posted by GuyZero at 1:49 PM on June 4, 2013


I was going to link this as "previously", but it seems the domain has expired (but is still within the grace period, I think?). Will send the guy a mefimail as a reminder...
posted by yeoz at 1:50 PM on June 4, 2013


I for one am surprised there are wild bears in New Jersey.

We have so many that you can hunt them.
posted by exhilaration at 1:51 PM on June 4, 2013


The bear just needs to be baptized and then he'll have plenty of friends.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:57 PM on June 4, 2013


"The Montclair Police Department has notified us that there have been bear citings in Montclair," the superintendent explained in a note to parents. Unfortunately, for many, the typo of "citing" for "sighting" overshadowed the importance of the communication.

The real problem is that they used the damned APA format, putting the bear's year of publication at the beginning rather than towards the end, as God intended.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:57 PM on June 4, 2013 [7 favorites]


This seems relevant to the thread.
posted by pxe2000 at 1:58 PM on June 4, 2013


He shimmed up a tree and imagined all the things he and his friend would say to one another, like "You're my friend and I love you."

Oh god I can't, excuse me for a minute, I, does anybody have any tissues or maybe a glass of water would be good thanks.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:59 PM on June 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


[Image via Shutterstock] :(
posted by Going To Maine at 2:04 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Derek Hale: Bear edition?
posted by jetlagaddict at 2:06 PM on June 4, 2013


We are all the friendless bear :/
posted by ishrinkmajeans at 2:07 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


We are all the friendless bear :/

I'm an unbearable friend. Or, possibly, fiend.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:09 PM on June 4, 2013


Meanwhile, in Alaska...
posted by mosk at 2:10 PM on June 4, 2013




Is that a photo of a sun bear? That should be a black bear. Also, i would pet that bear.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:15 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think what bothers me about this post is this: bears are wild animals. Bears are dangerous. If you give kids the idea that playing with bears is a cool thing, you're going to end up with dead kids.

Keeping the kids inside was the right thing to do; this article as framed makes it seem like it was wrong. That bear wasn't lonely, but it might have been hungry, and human children are good eating!

Wild animals are not play things. They are dangerous, and should always be treated as such, even the small ones like rabbits and squirrels.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 2:16 PM on June 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Those kids are going to pick up some Bad Ideas About Bears from reading Gawker.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:20 PM on June 4, 2013 [21 favorites]


Keeping the kids inside was the right thing to do; this article as framed makes it seem like it was wrong. That bear wasn't lonely, but it might have been hungry, and human children are good eating!

See? See how mean those children are to that poor, poor bear, depriving him of so many delicious snacks like that? Mean, mean children! :(
posted by sexyrobot at 2:32 PM on June 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


He just wanted to meet some tasty children, but no...
posted by Kevin Street at 2:32 PM on June 4, 2013


Wild animals are not play things. They are dangerous, and should always be treated as such.

I think you'll find wild animals are gateways to adventure, unless hundreds of years of children's literature is lying to us. There's a reason why Little Johnny's Magic Journey Through The Smaller Colon is a classic.
posted by panboi at 2:32 PM on June 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


This really outlines the problem with modern America. We are filled with nameless dread, a vague unease. We feel stranger danger, we fight the war on terror, we are stopped and frisked, subject to zero tolerance rules. We have grown inward, afraid. Anything other is scary and must be chased anyway with airhorns and isolated. All in a futile attempt to convince ourselves that the real bear isn't us.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:39 PM on June 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


I think the key is to tell your young children not to believe everything they read on Gawker. That way, they stay safe and become media savvy.
posted by Area Man at 2:40 PM on June 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think what bothers me about this post is this: bears are wild animals. Bears are dangerous. If you give kids the idea that playing with bears is a cool thing, you're going to end up with dead kids.


I blame Teddy Roosevelt for the childpocalpyse that totally happened.
posted by srboisvert at 2:40 PM on June 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Chocolate Pickle is hilarious.
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:41 PM on June 4, 2013


REMINDER: we are only one month away from LIVE PUDGY ACTION BEARS on the katmai salmon run bearcam!

i am excite
posted by elizardbits at 2:41 PM on June 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Those annotations are the dumbest thing to happen to internet articles in a good goddamn while. It's like youtube comments learned how to fart in your face while you're eating a mediocre, slightly soggy, day-old sandwich.
posted by item at 2:42 PM on June 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Maybe if he put a little work into himself, get some nice clothes and maybe open himself up to new experiences he'd gain the confidence to meet people.

A lot of men DIG bears.
posted by Renoroc at 2:47 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


wait, people were calling the authorities saying that the bear looked sad, confused? is there something wrong with me or is it these other people?
posted by angrycat at 2:49 PM on June 4, 2013


"There's a reason why Little Johnny's Magic Journey Through The Smaller Colon is a classic."

That was my favorite!

My second favorite was Susie Seabottle and the Shin-Snacking Shark.

The biggest concern I have about kids and that Gawker piece is that the author doesn't mention that if any kids attack, kill, gut, and skin the bear, they absolutely, positively shouldn't eat its liver.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 2:51 PM on June 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's a New Jersey bear, they could probably sell the liver for it's precious metal content.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:53 PM on June 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'm surprised that a bear could afford to live in Monclair. How much do bears make, anyway?
posted by R. Mutt at 2:55 PM on June 4, 2013 [15 favorites]


I'd hug a bear if only my face weren't so delicious.

Yes, even a New Jersey bear.
posted by tommasz at 2:57 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Aw, poor bear.
posted by sarcasticah at 2:58 PM on June 4, 2013


I'm pretty sure it's only polar bear liver that cause hypervitaminosis A, actually. And my understanding is that there isn't a huge polish population in Jersey, so you should be fine.
posted by Lemurrhea at 2:59 PM on June 4, 2013


Keeping the kids inside was the right thing to do; this article as framed makes it seem like it was wrong. That bear wasn't lonely, but it might have been hungry, and human children are good eating!

This is why the lack of religious training in our children is such a disaster. If they had read the Bible, they would know that bears are dangerous (Scroll down to "Elisha is Jeered"). Also, do not mock bald men.

Alternatively, you can see how Superhero Girl deals with a bear using diplomacy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:59 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Bear Went Over The Mountain, by William Kotzwinkle
posted by nicwolff at 3:01 PM on June 4, 2013


A bear in the Boston suburbs got killed this past week because "the tranquilizers didn't work" when they were trying to get it out of a tree.

Poor bears :(

I think someone pointed this out around here once but I feel like bears are exceptionally easy to anthropomorphize. They basically all seem to share Hank Hill's body type and can sit up/stand around the way a normal human dude might.
posted by dismas at 3:02 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Those kids are going to pick up some Bad Ideas About Bears from reading Gawker.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
posted by the man of twists and turns at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2013


wait, people were calling the authorities saying that the bear looked sad, confused?

You see the bear was raised in Monclair but went away for college. When he returned he found all his friends were gone or trapped in dead end jobs they hated. All the places he loved were gone, replaced by Whole Foods.

He spent his first summer back partying and saving up to move to Brooklyn. He even sold his car. The move never happened, you know how it goes. He thought he had a place in Greenpoint to crash till he found a place but that fell through. So he stayed in Monclair and got a job as a Barista, the money is shit but his boss is cool. Between paying back his student loans and rent he is pretty broke, so he stays in most nights. He hooked up with a girl he met at a party last week but she wasn't really looking for anything serious right now and said she would see him around maybe.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:08 PM on June 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


Black bears aren't too bad most of the time. They can be dangerous, of course. (Especially when they wander into human occupied areas like this.) But generally speaking, if you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone.

Nothing like Grizzly Bears. Those things are like forest sharks, always hungry.
posted by Kevin Street at 3:10 PM on June 4, 2013


The Sad Bear of Montclair

Upon once a time was a sad, silly bear
He wanted somebody to love
Or to wear
A friend he could play with, or stay with,
Or hunt
Not PD assassins
Or darts in the rump
Not tattoos or tags that catch in your hair
Just his very own friend down there in Montclair

But New Jersey children are Ursine aware
They don't talk to strangers
Who drool when they stare
They don't play with mammals
With murderous moods
Even ones who have candy
They stole from Whole Foods
He wanted a friend, so pink
And so rare
But he thought naw forget it,
Yo homes to Bel-Air
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:13 PM on June 4, 2013 [26 favorites]


Pathetic Fallacy
posted by randomkeystrike at 3:16 PM on June 4, 2013


I believe Stephen Colbert lives in Montclair. That godless killing machine was yearning for Stephen's sweet, sweet primate flesh.
posted by Flunkie at 3:19 PM on June 4, 2013


By midmorning, the 18 month old animal had been tranquilized, tagged, and, in classic Jersey fashion, given a tattoo he would not remember getting...

Happens to the best of us.
posted by Kadin2048 at 3:25 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hmmmm... although upon further reflection, I also believe Yogi Berra lives in Montclair. Maybe the bear was just looking to score some sweet, sweet pic-a-nic basket.
posted by Flunkie at 3:28 PM on June 4, 2013


Everyone should read the book nicwolff linked to above. Fantastic.

Also, here is video of a mama bear and four of her babies playing in my backyard.

We, and our neighbors, had a great time watching them that evening from nearby, but not locked in our homes. We have seen the mama (her name is Berry) many times in our neighborhood and people know to keep a safe distance. The neighborhood kids still play outside and are not on permanent lockdown. The cops stop and look too, warn people not to poke mama bear, and head on their way, no need for tranquilizing or shooting.
posted by dayintoday at 3:50 PM on June 4, 2013 [6 favorites]




Bear the bear thought that, maybe, in Michigan, he would finally make a friend. On Monday morning, he ended up near Jackson, not a bad little town, with its own liquor stores, prison and Walmart. He found a place with lots of woods and big green backyards, perfect for a bear and his friends to play in. "Sunrize Acres", he thought. "That seems like such a great place to find friends."

He met Russian Boars and White Tailed Deer and Bison. He also met Ted Nugent.

Suddenly, the sad and lonely bear was sad and lonely no more.
posted by pyramid termite at 4:43 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is the worst Springsteen/Gaslight Anthem/Titus Andronicus song ever.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 4:50 PM on June 4, 2013


I believe Stephen Colbert lives in Montclair. That godless killing machine was yearning for Stephen's sweet, sweet primate flesh.

At least it wasn't an owl (not to be confused with a bowel).
posted by Brak at 5:22 PM on June 4, 2013


'Cause sometimes you eat the bear, an' sometimes the bear... well... he eats YOU.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 5:43 PM on June 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


In other sad bear news: Sad Orphan Polar Bear Cub Finally Finds a Home At Buffalo Zoo
posted by homunculus at 8:56 PM on June 4, 2013


John McPhee has a great anecdote in I think his essay on the Pine Barrens about a couple of bears in New Jersey who get drunk on fallen apples and dance on a patrol car.
posted by rtha at 12:54 AM on June 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


"... had been tranquilized, tagged, and, in classic Jersey fashion, given a tattoo he would not remember getting"

Sounds more like he was part of the JerseyShore cast
posted by AllChildrenMatter at 8:12 AM on June 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Are we sure this wasn't just Tao Lin?
posted by nTeleKy at 10:31 AM on June 5, 2013




sad sad pedobear.
posted by futz at 12:58 PM on June 5, 2013




That bear should be happy he's not a wolf.
posted by homunculus at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2013


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