And THAT happened!
June 19, 2013 8:40 PM   Subscribe

Baseball, as called by someone who knows nothing about baseball

I do not know the backstory to this video. The game appears to be happening in Japan, and to include Dustin Pedroia, of the Boston Red Sox. The video was apparently posted by John Mayer--not sure if he may have been narrating.
posted by pompelmo (39 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite

 
In all fairness, that did happen.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:42 PM on June 19, 2013 [8 favorites]


I prefer this one.
posted by dobbs at 8:43 PM on June 19, 2013 [26 favorites]


Boom went that dynamite.
posted by planetesimal at 8:53 PM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


"...says the FBI agent who has the best view of all."
posted by not_the_water at 8:54 PM on June 19, 2013 [6 favorites]


I grew up in a household that was sports agnostic (apparently my father was a huge sports fan back in the day, but had lost whatever interest he had in them over the years). I got to college and had never watched a game of either Baseball or Football all the way through. For about a year and a half all sports were like this for me: a series of apparently connected but ultimately meaningless events with indistinct causality between them.
posted by codacorolla at 8:57 PM on June 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


It's one of the first two games from the 2008, the A's played the Red Sox in the Tokyo Dome on the 25th and 26th of March.

But yes, that's someone who knows nothing about baseball.
posted by davros42 at 8:58 PM on June 19, 2013


Luna Lovegood, someone wants Quidditch commentary advice.
posted by jeather at 9:00 PM on June 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


San Francisco guy is running running running running...and for some reason he stops in the middle there.
posted by john-a-dreams at 9:25 PM on June 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: a series of apparently connected but ultimately meaningless events with indistinct causality between them.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:30 PM on June 19, 2013 [6 favorites]


"Caught by the chap in the pajamas with the glove that makes everything easier!"
posted by hiddenknives at 9:37 PM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


The video was apparently posted by John Mayer--not sure if he may have been narrating.

I believe that is, in fact, John Mayer narrating.
posted by spiderskull at 9:40 PM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have this friend that is very intelligent, but completely uneducated about sports. As a result, he watches baseball games and asks the most interesting questions.

"Why is there an extra, parallel line on the path toward first base?"
"Oh, that denotes the path the batter must take running to first. It's so he can't unfairly block a throw from the catcher to first base."
"What happens if a runner is hit by a thrown ball?"
"Nothing. I mean, he's not out, but the defense can't make a play."
"Oh."
Silence.
"So why isn't the runner's path defined like that between all the bases? You could even widen it or curve it for runners at different speeds. That would be the most fair situation, right?"
"Yeah, I guess. But that's just now how it is."
"Well, why not?"
"Because ... Because ... I don't know. Because. Just because."
Silence.
"Why is there grass in the outfield but dirt on the infield?"
"Because that's the outfield and that's the infield. They're different."
"They're not that different."
"I guess it's because there's more action on the infield and grass would get torn up."
"They can't afford grass and plenty of greenskeepers in the major leagues?"
"Dude, just eat your fucking hot dog."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:47 PM on June 19, 2013 [46 favorites]


"What is that box like thingy drawn in the ground near first and third base?"
"Those are the coaches boxes. They stand in those boxes and tell the runners when to go, when to stop, etc."
"Why isn't he actually standing in the box? He's kind of half-in, half-out..."
"It's kind of a suggestion more than anything else."
"Is there a rule saying he has to stand in it?"
"No. So long as he doesn't interfere with anybody, it's OK."
"So why do they still draw it?"
"You want another beer?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:53 PM on June 19, 2013 [24 favorites]


I'm Perd Hapley and what you saw was a video of a thing that happened.
posted by littlesq at 10:02 PM on June 19, 2013 [12 favorites]


Half-man, half-robot wicket keeper made me LOL
posted by rabbitrabbit at 10:06 PM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cool Papa, whatever you do, don't point out the on deck circle.
posted by newper at 10:33 PM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


Cool Papa Bell, I would listen to HOURS of that recorded, as a podcast.
posted by strixus at 10:45 PM on June 19, 2013 [3 favorites]


This is funny, but it works just as well the opposite way.
posted by cccorlew at 10:58 PM on June 19, 2013 [5 favorites]


I don't know who John Mayer is, but he could stand to take some lessons from Alan Partridge on comically inept commentary.

San Francisco guy is running running running running...and for some reason he stops in the middle there.

This lady, on the other hand, is a total genius and should be hired by a telly company to commentate on all sports at all times.

a series of apparently connected but ultimately meaningless events with indistinct causality between them.

Otherwise known as the international view of baseball and American football. Actual sports like football and cricket are, of course, understood by all humans from birth, thanks to their clear, simple and unambiguous rules.
posted by jack_mo at 11:02 PM on June 19, 2013 [4 favorites]


Yeah, "because baseball" and a shrug is sometimes the best explanation you can give. Or "Because it's been like that forever and no one knows why but goddamn it, it's tradition."
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:21 PM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hopefully your friend never witnesses a balk, Cool Papa Bell. At least not while you're around.
posted by disillusioned at 11:45 PM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]


I prefer this one.

I prefer that guy's commentary on video game basketball.
posted by joechip at 12:09 AM on June 20, 2013


The one dobbs linked had me laughing like a loon. Probably because of being a Brit and all the cricket references.
posted by Decani at 1:19 AM on June 20, 2013


You and your friends stand in a field, alone, too far away to really talk to each other. You wait there while someone else's friends line up and take turns hitting balls at you. And it's not like they're soft. They're really hard.

You can catch them if you want.
posted by narain at 2:16 AM on June 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is funny, but it works just as well the opposite way.

"The referee's checking the doors".

Jiskefet (Frysian for garbage pail), one of the few Dutch satirical programmes that's actually on a par with something like Not the Nine O'Clock News, something you don't have to be ashamed off to show to foreigners.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:17 AM on June 20, 2013


Cool Papa Bell, I would listen to HOURS of that recorded, as a podcast.

Seconded, as someone whose level of baseball knowledge is pretty similar to your friend's. I've been to hundreds of football and basketball games, but one of the most fun sporting events I ever went to was the one baseball game, a Braves game, I ever attended; I went with a true believer. She knew everything about the game, and about everyone, on both teams, and it was really great getting her running commentary.
posted by solotoro at 4:45 AM on June 20, 2013


> "Why is there an extra, parallel line on the path toward first base?" "Oh, that denotes the path the batter must take running to first. It's so he can't unfairly block a throw from the catcher to first base."

This is kind of how I used to watch baseball as an adult, except at this point I've seen enough games to have learned a little. Other sports are still like that, mostly. Except for hockey. Hockey is pretty easy to grok.

Mostly I've learned that if you go with the flow and not try to get too distracted by why the thing that guy did led to a number on a board change, you can at least appreciate the spectacle of strong, talented people doing interesting things.
posted by ardgedee at 5:36 AM on June 20, 2013


Explaining cricket to American friends is somewhat similar. I've kinda given up and told them to follow this twitter account instead.
posted by Wordshore at 5:47 AM on June 20, 2013


Sports is funny.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:50 AM on June 20, 2013


Hahahahahahaha cricket easy to understand.
posted by nathancaswell at 6:03 AM on June 20, 2013


You and your friends stand in a field, alone, too far away to really talk to each other. You wait there while someone else's friends line up and take turns hitting balls at you. And it's not like they're soft. They're really hard

Oh man, I was hoping for a whole text-adventure style baseball game:

"A man is standing 60 feet away from you, on a low rise. He is holding something in his right hand. Near you is a wooden stick, about three feet long."

>pick up stick
posted by PandaMomentum at 7:08 AM on June 20, 2013 [10 favorites]


Oh man, I was hoping for a whole text-adventure style baseball game:

"A man is standing 60 feet away from you, on a low rise. He is holding something in his right hand. Near you is a wooden stick, about three feet long."

>pick up stick


That reminds me of the best riddle ever:

Q: Man leaves home, turns left three times, when he returns home he is confronted by two men. Who are they?

A: The catcher and the umpire.

The answer is significantly less obvious when you're not in a baseball thread.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:49 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


The first thing non-baseball fans should learn is, if at a game, to watch the outfielder if it's a high fly ball. They all look gone until you see the outfielder coming in toward the ball.
posted by stltony at 8:21 AM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Remember the Olympic Boat Race Commentary? Funniest thing ever.
posted by Perplexity at 8:53 AM on June 20, 2013


I thought this was pretty funny, along the lines of boom goes the dynamite!, until it was confirmed that it was likely John Mayer narrating and then, it just became obnoxious. Interesting how those filters work.
posted by PuppyCat at 8:57 AM on June 20, 2013


Funny. It actually made me like John Mayer just a little bit.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:07 AM on June 20, 2013


I'm also reminded that the same friend that asks the baseball questions does the same thing with other sports. Like basketball.

"There's a three-point line, right?"
"Yes."
"And if you're standing behind the line and shoot, it's worth three points."
"Yes."
"Can you jump forward and then shoot?"
"Yes."
"And that's worth three points."
"Yes, so long as you don't touch the ground before releasing the ball, your shot will be worth three."
"So, what if I jumped really, really far and then shot before hitting the ground?"
"Three points."
"What if I took off from behind three point line and dunked?"
"Wait, what?"
"I saw that video once of a guy jumping from behind the free-throw line in a dunk contest. What if I jumped from behind the three-point line? Would that be worth two or three?"
"Nobody can jump that far."
"Hold on, Wikipedia says it's 23.75 feet. And the long jump record is over 29 feet."
"Dude."
"It could be done...
"Dude."
"... I mean, in theory."
"He'd have to jump 23.75 feet and then still be high enough, and..."
"It could be done."
"... why am I arguing this with you?"
"Well, would it be worth two or three points?"
"I suppose if he didn't touch the rim or the backboard or anything before dropping the ball through, it'd be worth three."
"OK."
"OK."
"So, which team is this again?"
"The Heat."
"Where are they from?"
"Miami."
"Does Michael Jordan play for them?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:08 PM on June 20, 2013 [7 favorites]


I'm just glad the NHL eliminated the two-line offside pass rule. Now all I have to worry about is explaining icing, and the goalie's trapezoid.
posted by ShutterBun at 12:15 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Traffic reporter Jennie Stencel does the sports report.
posted by jbickers at 10:23 AM on July 2, 2013


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