THIS IS WHAT I WANT: PLATTER OF CHICKEN SALAD
June 20, 2013 1:54 PM   Subscribe

Every Thursday, the Seamless (a delivery service that serves as a takeout service for over 12,000 restaurants) posts the Best of Seamless Special Instructions of the Week.
posted by roomthreeseventeen (68 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite

 
I am looking forward to eating this bowl of leaves.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:58 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


"pls brink nupens fork an nifh" is hands-down my favorite, but then, I often like a nice side of nupens with my dinner.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:00 PM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


"No special instructions just hope you’re havinga wonderful day." Some of these are sweet. I work at a restaurant that delivers through a service like this, and one time someone paid the delivery fee for an order of mashed potatoes. That is all. And they only lived a block away. I kind of wish they explained their order in the special instructions.
posted by kbennett289 at 2:05 PM on June 20, 2013


This is making we want to sign up as a Seamless delivery person.
posted by queensissy at 2:06 PM on June 20, 2013


"Pork chunks" is sort of horrifying. But honest?
posted by eralclare at 2:07 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


"I was attacked by a pickle as a child and I suffer from PTSD when I see one."

Love it.
posted by mrbill at 2:07 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oops, the "Instructions" link should have 05 in it instead of 06, sorry!
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:09 PM on June 20, 2013


Reminds me a lot of Eat24, which I use a lot. Their sense of humor on the web site and mobile app, plus their folks on Twitter, are pure awesome.
posted by mrbill at 2:11 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


The "Instructions" link isn't working, but that's OK because the 404 page says "Zut alors!" and now I'm just thinking about Hercule Poirot solving food-delivery-related mysteries, like Why Is This Pizza Upside Down or Really? Five Spoons?
posted by theodolite at 2:13 PM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


"Pork chunks" is sort of horrifying. But honest?

Masitas De Puerco!
posted by Greg Nog at 2:14 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


That would be Pickle Trauma Stress Disorder, of course.
posted by bonehead at 2:16 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


there are two of us we are drunk so you will smell us coming. one of us is wearing a plaid t shirt the other is hiding in the bushes.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:17 PM on June 20, 2013 [16 favorites]


If wanting sour cream with wings or Parmesan packets is a strange food quirk, I hope nobody ever starts judging what I eat.

Also, I kind of feel like a dick for never leaving nice 'have a nice day' messages in the special instructions.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:18 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Seamless makes being a total argophobic hermit SO EASY..
posted by The Whelk at 2:33 PM on June 20, 2013


( also the only speical instruction I've ever had is to please cook the pizza for longer than you think cause I pefer crispier crusts, do not worry if it burns a little, etc you end with a thank you sir and add another dollar to the delivery fee.)
posted by The Whelk at 2:34 PM on June 20, 2013


My boyfriend does this sort of delivery on his bike (an occupation lots of former bike couriers have moved into following the popularization of e-leck-tronic mail) and he reassures me there's no need to feel guilty about ordering when it's raining. He makes bank when it rains. Just tip like a frickin' prince.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:35 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Five dollars standard, two or more for rain is my metric.
posted by The Whelk at 2:37 PM on June 20, 2013


I even feel guilty when it's raining and they deliver via car.

I am basically a neurotic ball of guilt is what I'm saying.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:42 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


[Fixed the instructions link, carry on]
posted by jessamyn at 2:51 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have to use the special instructions to map out the byzantine route to my apartment from the front gate. Thank GOD for online delivery services (I use grubhub) otherwise there's no way I'd order in if I had to give those instructions over the phone every time. Or maybe it's "Thank the devil", says my bank account.
posted by bleep at 3:05 PM on June 20, 2013


I have one instruction saved on seamless. Buzz 3F, cuz seriously delivery guy, buzz me. Don't slip into the building like a sneakthief then gingerly tap on my door, I can't hear it cuz I'm blasting the ac and listening to bring the motherfucking ruckus while looking at cat pictures pretending to work.

Seriously, check this shit out deliveryguy. A cat is nursing a baby pit pull. You think I am waiting patiently next to my door so I'll be able to hear you timidly scratching at it.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:49 PM on June 20, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'm sorry, but:

MetaFilter: PLEASE HAVE HOT MUSTARD HOT OIL AND CHOPSTICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HAVE HOT MUSTARD HOT OIL AND CHOPSTICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by The Bellman at 3:57 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Please high five the security guy in the lobby and high five me when you get here! Thanks! WE LOVE HILL COUNTRY

Hill Country delivers? That's gotta run you a couple hundred at least. Does the delivery guy smirk like you ordered all wrong too?
posted by Ad hominem at 3:58 PM on June 20, 2013


My buzzer doesn't work and I have huge metal doors so anything short of HULK SMASH barely produces any sound at all so I've become hyper aware of subtle changes in air pressure and flow and ambient noise to tell when someone is walking down the hallway. I can usually open the door right before they're about to knock, hand still in frozen in mid-air.

Yes, that's right, I have food delivery induced superpowers.
posted by The Whelk at 3:58 PM on June 20, 2013 [8 favorites]


Wait a second, I just read these links. You people have folks who come bring food to your house and they are not relatives or neighbors? What a world this is! Also I enjoy this post the way I enjoyed the Sears Catalog when I was a little kid.
posted by jessamyn at 3:59 PM on June 20, 2013 [16 favorites]


Man now I feel like I need to add " the elevator man isn't mad at you, he just always looks like that." to my orders.
posted by The Whelk at 3:59 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, I kind of feel like a dick for never leaving nice 'have a nice day' messages in the special instructions.

I once used the notes section of my library's ILL request form to explain my short-notice request (the copy I'd been patiently awaiting suddenly changed from a pending delivery to a lost book, leaving me without my research text and with a looming deadline) and to offer "If you can possibly deliver this book within the week, I'd be very grateful and would bring you homemade cookies." They did. I was. I did.
posted by Elsa at 4:05 PM on June 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


One of the best Chinese places near me is banned from the building because the guy snuck in, then I didn't hear him knocking. So he wandered around for a while before falling alseep on one of the couches in the lobby. Only after like 20 minutes did the doorman notice him sleeping there and buzz me. I got my chicken with cashews so it turned out ok I guess.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:06 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


house and they are not relatives or neighbors

I'ts true, our relatives and neighbors don't bring us shit.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:08 PM on June 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think that last link should be http://blog.seamless.com/2013/05/best-of-seamless-special-instructions-this-week/ instead of #3 again.
posted by darksasami at 4:11 PM on June 20, 2013


there are two of us we are drunk so you will smell us coming. one of us is wearing a plaid t shirt the other is hiding in the bushes.

this very accurately describes the scenario in which i first met up with some mefites for brunch
posted by elizardbits at 5:00 PM on June 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


I want ham
posted by exlotuseater at 5:21 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Please do not put the gummy bears on top of the pasta (last time they all melted)… please package gummy bears separately so they do not melt. Thanks.

holy crap
posted by bleep at 5:43 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have used seamless to order a side of black eyed peas, nothing else, from a restaurant that is on the ground floor of my own apartment building. Paid the delivery fee and tipped well.

The reason? I could not leave my apartment because my keys were in my pants and I don't wear pants when I play videogames. And when I play videogames I am already sitting in front of the computer. Also, drugs.
posted by Doroteo Arango II at 5:45 PM on June 20, 2013 [12 favorites]


I think "Please draw something FUN on the pork chunks bag." needs to be immortalized in t-shirt form.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:47 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Sadly, None of these places ever deliver in the redneck boonies where I can afford to live.
posted by Megafly at 6:39 PM on June 20, 2013


I miss Seamless so hard.

(My checking account and waistline disagree.)
posted by Sara C. at 7:01 PM on June 20, 2013


I miss Seamless so hard.

It is hard to explain to the rest of the world how magical it is that everything just shows up at your door in NYC. Magic.

I kinda don't believe in it myself now that I've been away for so long. A year after I left, I had a business trip in NYC and a major thing I wanted to do was order Balucci's to my hotel room. My boss insisted we GO to some silly restaurant, even though we had no business stuff to discuss, we didn't really like each other, and the restaurant was sucky ( I KNEW it would be).

Why go out for crappy food when you can get Balucci's at home?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
posted by Tandem Affinity at 7:44 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


You mean Baluchi's the Indian chain? Because your boss is clearly an idiot if you didn't just order all the Aloo Dum they had.

I would move to Park Slope to be near Baluchi's. Well, maybe not, but I would move downtown to be near Baluchi's
posted by Ad hominem at 8:04 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm racking my brain trying to think what I can't get delivered to my apartment if I spent enough money and honestly coming up short

Wait, *fresh* warm beinges from New Orleans. The MoMa cafe does not deliver sadly.
posted by The Whelk at 8:10 PM on June 20, 2013


I'm jonsing for some chocolate chip cookie dough. Mmmmmmm
posted by michellenoel at 8:40 PM on June 20, 2013


Yeah it's about 3 hours commercial so even if you had a jet standing by then brought them by chopper from the airport to midtown they would still be 4 hours old. That is just intolerable. What you need to do is fly a chef up from Nola.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:42 PM on June 20, 2013


You could get some dude on Craigslist to swing by MoMa and pick some up for you, I'm sure. Or you might be able to find some on this MenuPages search for 'beignets'.
posted by painquale at 8:44 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I could order Sarges I guess. I mean, I got money, but not beinges money.

What would I want beinges for anyway, im not too good for Cronuts.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:44 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm happy to discover I am not the only one to refer to salad as "a bowl of leaves".

But does anyone else call soup "a bowl of wet vegetables?"
posted by windykites at 8:46 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Damnit now I want to spend a lot of money to have things delivered to me and I'm in the middle of the woods without a road to the cabin let alone an address to deliver to.

Maybe I can summon a wretched eldric anicent lake monster to bring me Supernatural Season five cause Netflix craps out around here.
posted by The Whelk at 8:49 PM on June 20, 2013


I miss Seamless so hard.

(My checking account and waistline disagree.)


They call it Seamless because of what it does to your pants.
posted by painquale at 8:49 PM on June 20, 2013


We better STFU.This it metafilter and we are talking about ordering $66 dollar smoked fish and complaining cuz Netflix is out at our country estates. We might as well be driving Rolls Royce Corniches and twirling our mustaches. We are going to get pitchforked.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:54 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


But the new Rolls are so ugly.
posted by The Whelk at 8:55 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


But does anyone else call soup "a bowl of wet vegetables?"

No, that's what I call cereal.
posted by Sara C. at 8:57 PM on June 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


No cereal is Human Chow.
posted by The Whelk at 9:00 PM on June 20, 2013


I thought cereal is a type of soup.
posted by painquale at 9:05 PM on June 20, 2013


I bet Netflix is working in the Corniche.

Cereal is a type of porridge, so is soup.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:06 PM on June 20, 2013


And porridge is a type of non-alcoholic cocktail.
posted by painquale at 9:08 PM on June 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd say something like Corn Flakes is more of a highball, but Frosted Flakes is definitely a cocktail as it has sugar as a flavorant.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:14 PM on June 20, 2013


Booberry Daiquiri
Applejacks and Coke
Special Kir
Long Island Ice Krispies
Start Smartini
Dark and Stormy Charms
Froot Joolep
Chex on the Beach
posted by painquale at 9:34 PM on June 20, 2013 [7 favorites]


No, no, no, no, wait.... Guys:

Metafilter: Bless a person.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:35 PM on June 20, 2013


Where I currently live, the front door is down a flight of stairs from the street. It is well marked, so I thought it wouldn't be a problem to find until one night I ordered a pizza and the delivery guy ended up in the fenced back yard. What made it stranger was that he then asked me if there was a gate or something he could use to get back out. At the time, I didn't have the presence of mind to ask how he'd gotten in there in the first place; I just turned on a light and pointed him the way back to the street. I'd never really considered that I would have to add "Pls come to front door, no need to jump the fence" to my delivery instructions.
posted by eruonna at 8:45 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I love living in the middle of nowhere most days, even though my commute is about an hour. Except now I has a sad.
posted by Kimberly at 8:52 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


porridge is a type of non-alcoholic cocktail.

Maybe the way you make it.
posted by bonehead at 9:04 AM on June 21, 2013


Am I the only one who thinks it is a little jerky to ask people to draw something on the container for you?
posted by grouse at 9:43 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


My read based on the number of requests and the level of specificity was that it clearly must be something these restaurants already do. The number of requests for popular childhood imagery like zoo animals or dinosaurs implies that these are restaurants that cater to families and the people ordering are frequent customers who already know that this is a thing.

Then again, people in New York can sometimes be weirdly pushy, so I guess you never know. I never had much luck getting places to label orders by name or number, or even "mark the one without the cilantro". So who knows?
posted by Sara C. at 9:47 AM on June 21, 2013


I've seen an increasing number of Reddit threads where people ask for something to be drawn on the pizza box and post pictures of the results. I figured that was driving this behavior.
posted by grouse at 9:54 AM on June 21, 2013


I was wondering about the 'please draw something on the bag'. Annoying nuisance, or pleasant break in monotony? Once when I worked at a pizza place we were asked to write 'I LOVE YOU' in sausages. It was amusing, but it wasn't busy at the time - if it were a Friday night, it would have been infuriating.
posted by Gordafarin at 10:18 AM on June 21, 2013


The number of requests for popular childhood imagery like zoo animals or dinosaurs implies that these are restaurants

Those are redditors. It is a thing on reddit to order food and get them to draw something on it then post it on reddit.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:35 AM on June 21, 2013


By on it I mean on the packaging. There are usually a lot posted to reddit and they are sometimes pretty impressive. It is like half the people delivering are aspiring artists.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:37 AM on June 21, 2013


Check these out.

From this post
posted by Ad hominem at 10:44 AM on June 21, 2013


this very accurately describes the scenario in which i first met up with some mefites for brunch

Dear metafilter,

I did not realize until this moment that what my life is mostly lacking is brunch with you.
Can we get brunch? Misfit is pretty delicious, and they don't deliver, which makes this on-topic kinda.
posted by flaterik at 4:49 PM on June 21, 2013


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