Collecting comic book mail-order crap
June 25, 2013 11:38 AM   Subscribe

Remember those little ads in the pages of comic books that offered mail-orders of cheap toys, novelties, and gags? (Previously.) Kirk Demarais collects that stuff so you don't have to.

But there is a darker story behind the creator of Sea Monkeys and X-Ray Spex (previously), and he's not the only odd figure who advertised in comic books.
posted by hydrophonic (35 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
I spent so much time looking at these as a kid. I recognize about 90% of the ads but I didn't associate them with comic books. Somehow I got on the mailing list of Things You Never Knew Existed, which to my surprise still exists. I bought a fake ice cube with a bug in it, a red novelty PANIC keyboard replacement key, and yes that switchblade comb (which didn't work well as a comb but was awesome).
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:55 AM on June 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


I remember these!! I bought a hand buzzer that broke after three or four uses. I planned on buying everything in the ads once I was a grown-up and had my own money.
posted by Melismata at 11:57 AM on June 25, 2013


O man I had a friend who had the switchblade comb. He was soooooo cool in 5th grade.
posted by Mister_A at 11:58 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I guess I was kind of cynical even as a seven year-old because while I loved looking at these ads I always thought they sounded too good to be true (it didn't help that a friend of mine ordered the Sea Monkeys, so I got to experience that disappointment second-hand).
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:03 PM on June 25, 2013


We've got the book, it's great. Absolutely recommend.
posted by Lou Stuells at 12:05 PM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Somehow I got on the mailing list of Things You Never Knew Existed...

Somehow?? I got on it as soon as I saw a copy my cousin had. I ordered the holographic bowl (which really works and is amazing), a Newton's Cradle (which really works and is amazing but a friend broke), snake eggs (which really works and is not at all amazing) and I think a couple other things.

The grownup version of that catalog is American Science and Surplus. If you've read this far in this post, you need this catalog. Just sign up for it.
posted by DU at 12:11 PM on June 25, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'd heard about this one before. A bit of an update.
posted by bondcliff at 12:14 PM on June 25, 2013


I dearly wanted one of those Polaris Nuclear Subs as a kid, but never scraped together the $6.98 +75ยข shipping.

However, in the end, I think my imagination of how great it would be carried me a lot further than that actual sub ever could have.
posted by fairmettle at 12:14 PM on June 25, 2013


I want to save up for all these items!

Better get back to work selling subscriptions to Grit (America's newspaper).
posted by ShutterBun at 12:17 PM on June 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


On DU's point, I wonder if there's any sort of correlation between children whose parents didn't let them order such things and adults approaching 40 who shop at the American Science and Surplus store on a regular basis.

(my sample size of 1 says yes)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:21 PM on June 25, 2013 [6 favorites]


Funny thing. GRIT has been rebranded into a hobby-farm backyard-poultry can-your-own-veggies sort of magazine. It's pretty good actually.
posted by Lou Stuells at 12:21 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I still have the Hypno Coin. It is every bit as excellent (and useless) as it was in the '70s. Long gone are the whoopee cushion, joy buzzer, sneezing powder, sea monkeys, and all the other things I swiped quarters from the big glass boot omy dad's dresser to buy. Ahhh, long-forgotten memories. Thanks!
posted by Balonious Assault at 12:22 PM on June 25, 2013


Dammit, DU! Why did you post that?!

Now my afternoon is ruined as I get sucked into their myriad categories of banality. ;-)
posted by coachfortner at 12:23 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Seconding the book, it's wonderful. Great post.
posted by marxchivist at 12:26 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


On DU's point, I wonder if there's any sort of correlation between children whose parents didn't let them order such things and adults approaching 40 who shop at the American Science and Surplus store on a regular basis.

Add another to this. My mom was always very practical and I could only pick ONE thing at souvenir stands and such, if that, so now I simply must order interesting-sounding crap and maybe I'll buy ALL the shitty crap at the souvenir stand because I AM AN ADULT I DO WHAT I WANT AND I WANT THAT TERRIBLE RUBBER SNAKE. And Fry's, whoa, I'm liable to go all rapper-in-a-strip-club if I hang around Fry's too long, making it rain in the electronic components aisle.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 12:28 PM on June 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


Whoa, had forgotten about Grit.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 12:30 PM on June 25, 2013


the American Science and Surplus store

This was basically my Favorite Place in the World when I was a kid.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:32 PM on June 25, 2013


coachfortner: "Now my afternoon is ruined as I get sucked into their myriad categories of banality. ;-)"

Imagine being...ahem, not sober... and visiting the store in person. You have described more than one Saturday in my late 20s.

("Why do you have all these round mirrors/test tubes/magnet wire/cable ties/corks?" I was asked by my partner when we moved a few years ago. "Remember who we were when we met" should have been my reply.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:33 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


How come stuff like that is always in Chicago? I knew it would be in Chicago before I looked. Dang you Chicago!
posted by Mister_A at 12:56 PM on June 25, 2013


When I was a kid we all wanted these things, but our parents would never agree to give us the money. I don't know if they realized they were all crap or really didn't have the money to spare.
posted by tommasz at 1:08 PM on June 25, 2013


Somehow talked the parents into getting us Sea Monkeys once. They failed to impress.
posted by thelonius at 1:08 PM on June 25, 2013


I can't look at the iconic Sea Monkeys ad without remembering Mad Magazine's send-up, Sea Baboons.
posted by Chinese Jet Pilot at 1:11 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


The soundtrack to this thread
posted by pxe2000 at 1:41 PM on June 25, 2013


Most of the stuff in the comix could be found on the endless cram-jammed pages of the Johnson-Smith catalog.

Begun in Chicago in 1914, the "Amazon of cool junk" catalog grew to 576 pages by 1923! but shrank to 96 pages in the 1950s. If you suddenly needed itching powder or a whoopy-cushion or fake dog-poo or a foot-long tongue, you knew who to turn to.

Please allow 6 to 12 weeks for delivery. Order when school gets out and by the time it arrives, it's a surprise!
posted by Twang at 1:54 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Check out Rich Hall's movie about his adult self going to get that basketball and hoop he earned as a kid by selling seeds. Vanishing America
posted by Gungho at 2:01 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


We used to get the American Science & Surplus print catalog, way back in the day. The little jokes and puns they squeeze in to nearly every item description are even more impressive when there are dozens per page, and there might be three pages of fricken gears. How many witty descriptions of gears can you come up with?

Anyway, the best one was for a three-foot long zipper. The header was...wait for it...

"How to make an elephant fly."
posted by hydrophonic at 3:37 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I too wanted a Polaris Nuclear Sub. I can only imagine what a cheap disappointing piece of crap it actually must have been for only $6.98, even though that was a lot more money 40 years ago.
posted by Daddy-O at 3:54 PM on June 25, 2013


O man I had a friend who had the switchblade comb. He was soooooo cool in 5th grade.

I got a switchblade comb as a present a few years back. It increased my cool factor by about 10%.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:59 PM on June 25, 2013


Or so I like to imagine.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:00 PM on June 25, 2013


I am so old I remember when AmSci&Surp (AND WE'RE NOT ABBREVIATING IT ANY SHORTER THAN THAT) was JerryCo. Then Jerry died, and there was a bit of a transition and everyone wondered if they'd maintain their comedic undertone or try to become more respectable a la Edmund's Scientific.

They still do the funny writeups but the impact just isn't the same. The print catalog was like a treasure hunt; it was worth going through the whole thing even sections of no interest in search of the undiscovered chuckle. The web interface just takes you to what you want much too efficiently.

Then there was the magic day when they decided to share mailing lists with Archie McPhee...
posted by localroger at 4:56 PM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


AmSci&Surp still has a print catalog. I haven't ordered anything from them in years, but the catalog still pops up in my mailbox every so often.

You're totally right about it being worth browsing the whole thing.
posted by soundguy99 at 7:50 PM on June 25, 2013


Oh man, I remember my brother and I sending away for that chest of 100 toy soldiers (without telling our mother, who wouldn't let us have those kinds of things). And when the cardboard "chest" box came, with FLAT plastic "figures" in it - we were crushed. Bastards.
posted by R. Mutt at 9:13 PM on June 25, 2013


Matt, formerly of X-Entertainment fame, does a lot of articles on this sort of thing on his new website, Dinosaur Dracula. I particularly like the vending machine series.
posted by Muddler at 4:32 AM on June 26, 2013


I hate to admit it, but while I never ordered anything out of a comic book as a kid, I did find out that X-Ray Specs totally work at the age of thirty-mumble.

I had a pair in the pile of plastic junk we were giving out as carnival type prizes at the festival one year at the game. One of the other pretend nobility came by the booth and in the course of playfully flirting with each other, she asked me if they worked. So I put them on and gave her an exaggerated look up and down saying, "They work just fine." I've never seen anyone blush as quickly and as deeply as she blushed.

At that moment, as grown-ups in our thirties, we both realized the secret of how X-Ray Specs work that quite apparently had eluded us both as children. So I gave them to her and she had great fun pulling the gag on everyone who would stand still for the rest of the day.
posted by ob1quixote at 5:22 AM on June 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


A Pet Rock obeys your every command, provided your every command is "sit there and do nothing."

Also: man I would really love to work for that Science Surplus catalog. 8 hours a day of punny product descriptions would suit me just fine.
posted by ShutterBun at 11:28 PM on June 26, 2013


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