“Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.”
June 28, 2013 10:55 AM Subscribe
What's the most intellectual joke you know? is Slate's summary of this Reddit thread (for once, the comments are worth it!), with more good comments in this Marginal Revolution discussion. Of course, we can do better...
A: Knock-knock
B: Who's there?
A: To
B: To who?
A: I believe you meant "to whom"
nb joke works much better when A is Stephen Fry
posted by elizardbits at 11:03 AM on June 28, 2013 [49 favorites]
B: Who's there?
A: To
B: To who?
A: I believe you meant "to whom"
nb joke works much better when A is Stephen Fry
posted by elizardbits at 11:03 AM on June 28, 2013 [49 favorites]
Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a $20 bill on the ground and stoops to pick it up. The other says "You fool! If that were really worth $20, it wouldn't be lying on the ground!"
posted by goethean at 11:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [105 favorites]
posted by goethean at 11:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [105 favorites]
A cop stops Heisenberg while driving. He walks up to the car and says "I stopped you because you were going 105."
Heisenberg says "You idiot! Now I'm lost!"
I'll be here all week.
posted by jquinby at 11:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [78 favorites]
Heisenberg says "You idiot! Now I'm lost!"
I'll be here all week.
posted by jquinby at 11:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [78 favorites]
ok I get that euripides/eumenides sound like "you ripped these/you mend these" and they are both things a classics prof would know about, but is there a deeper meaning to this joke?
posted by rebent at 11:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by rebent at 11:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'll be here all week
That joke was in the Reddit thread actually
posted by Hoopo at 11:08 AM on June 28, 2013
That joke was in the Reddit thread actually
posted by Hoopo at 11:08 AM on June 28, 2013
A Higgs boson walks out of a bar. The Bartender says, "We don't serve your type around here."
posted by vozworth at 11:08 AM on June 28, 2013
posted by vozworth at 11:08 AM on June 28, 2013
The bartender says, "get out of here! We don't serve faster-than-light particles!" A tachyon walks into a bar.
posted by jbickers at 11:10 AM on June 28, 2013 [75 favorites]
posted by jbickers at 11:10 AM on June 28, 2013 [75 favorites]
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I don't think it's much of an intellectual joke, but that's the best one on the page.
posted by painquale at 11:11 AM on June 28, 2013 [56 favorites]
I don't think it's much of an intellectual joke, but that's the best one on the page.
posted by painquale at 11:11 AM on June 28, 2013 [56 favorites]
Well, Reddit certainly isn't the most intellectual joke I know.
posted by koeselitz at 11:11 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by koeselitz at 11:11 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'll be here all week
That joke was in the Reddit thread actually
No, I think he's serious about being here all week.
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:12 AM on June 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
That joke was in the Reddit thread actually
No, I think he's serious about being here all week.
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:12 AM on June 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
posted by dnash at 11:13 AM on June 28, 2013 [84 favorites]
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
posted by dnash at 11:13 AM on June 28, 2013 [84 favorites]
"Why it’s funny: Because Heisenberg is uncertain, Godel sees that the joke is logically incomplete, and Chomsky is an asshole. "
is the best joke in the list, and it's not even on the list.
posted by yeolcoatl at 11:13 AM on June 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
is the best joke in the list, and it's not even on the list.
posted by yeolcoatl at 11:13 AM on June 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
I knew I had read it (ha) someplace. Couldn't recall where, though. Most likely there, though.
posted by jquinby at 11:15 AM on June 28, 2013
posted by jquinby at 11:15 AM on June 28, 2013
The letters of Jean-Paul Sartre to his mother.
posted by brundlefly at 11:15 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by brundlefly at 11:15 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
My son came up with the first two lines of a knock-knock joke today, but we can't finish it:
-- Not Knock
-- Who isn't there?
posted by unSane at 11:16 AM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
-- Not Knock
-- Who isn't there?
posted by unSane at 11:16 AM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
Noah is escorting the animals off the ark and tells each pair to "Go Forth and Multiply!". One pair of snakes halts in their tracks and looks up at Noah.
"What's wrong? I said to go forth and multiply!"
"We can't. We're adders."
PART TWO
So Noah grabs an axe, stomps off the ark in a huff, and chops down the nearest tree. He makes the tree into a table and places the snakes on the table.
"There. Go forth and multiply!"
"We said we can't, we're adders"
"With a log table, even adders can multiply."
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:17 AM on June 28, 2013 [78 favorites]
"What's wrong? I said to go forth and multiply!"
"We can't. We're adders."
PART TWO
So Noah grabs an axe, stomps off the ark in a huff, and chops down the nearest tree. He makes the tree into a table and places the snakes on the table.
"There. Go forth and multiply!"
"We said we can't, we're adders"
"With a log table, even adders can multiply."
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:17 AM on June 28, 2013 [78 favorites]
Three econometricians go duck shooting. A duck flies over. The first one shoots too high. The second one shoots too low. The third one says 'We got it!'
posted by Mocata at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by Mocata at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
-- Not Knock
-- Who isn't there?
-- Pete and Repeat
-- Who isn't there?
-- Pete and Repeat
-- Who isn't there?
ad infinitum
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
-- Who isn't there?
-- Pete and Repeat
-- Who isn't there?
-- Pete and Repeat
-- Who isn't there?
ad infinitum
posted by Celsius1414 at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I don't get it but I'm stealing this one.
Is the best reply to that in the Reddit thread:
posted by blahblahblah at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't get it but I'm stealing this one.
Is the best reply to that in the Reddit thread:
posted by blahblahblah at 11:19 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
I used to be a structuralist. Now I'm not Saussure.
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 11:22 AM on June 28, 2013 [32 favorites]
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 11:22 AM on June 28, 2013 [32 favorites]
Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
A: Zorn's lemon.
(cf. Zorn's lemma)
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.
(cf. Abelian group)
posted by seemoreglass at 11:23 AM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
A: Zorn's lemon.
(cf. Zorn's lemma)
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.
(cf. Abelian group)
posted by seemoreglass at 11:23 AM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
-- Not Knock
-- Who isn't there?
Bob Dylan
posted by amyms at 11:24 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
-- Who isn't there?
Bob Dylan
posted by amyms at 11:24 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
ok I get that euripides/eumenides sound like "you ripped these/you mend these" and they are both things a classics prof would know about, but is there a deeper meaning to this joke?
No. This joke didn't used to be considered so esoteric. I first encountered it in Fun Fare, A Treasury of Reader's Digest Wit and Humor (1948)--definitely middlebrow humor. Gabe Kaplan recycled it for "Welcome Back, Kotter" in the 70s: "Did I ever tell you about my uncle Euripides Kotter?"
posted by ogooglebar at 11:26 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
No. This joke didn't used to be considered so esoteric. I first encountered it in Fun Fare, A Treasury of Reader's Digest Wit and Humor (1948)--definitely middlebrow humor. Gabe Kaplan recycled it for "Welcome Back, Kotter" in the 70s: "Did I ever tell you about my uncle Euripides Kotter?"
posted by ogooglebar at 11:26 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
From user doomwaxer: “Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality.”
Why it’s funny: It forms a wry commentary on the brokenness of the justice system.
Uh, I'm not sure that that's why it's funny.
posted by phunniemee at 11:26 AM on June 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
Why it’s funny: It forms a wry commentary on the brokenness of the justice system.
Uh, I'm not sure that that's why it's funny.
posted by phunniemee at 11:26 AM on June 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
The one about scrod had me sniggering at length, at work.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 11:27 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 11:27 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
A cop stops Heisenberg while driving. He walks up to the car and says "I stopped you because you were going 105."Not so fast...
Heisenberg says "You idiot! Now I'm lost!"
I'll be here all week.
posted by JoeXIII007 at 11:27 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Q: Why does it take longer to build an intellectual snowman?
A: You have to hollow out its head!
posted by Lorin at 11:28 AM on June 28, 2013
A: You have to hollow out its head!
posted by Lorin at 11:28 AM on June 28, 2013
Aaaaand now I see that there are links. Reading fail.
posted by phunniemee at 11:28 AM on June 28, 2013
posted by phunniemee at 11:28 AM on June 28, 2013
I don't get why Heisenberg is blaming the cop. He was lost as soon as he stopped the car.
posted by ODiV at 11:29 AM on June 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by ODiV at 11:29 AM on June 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
My favorite existentialist joke is "What's the difference between a crow?"
posted by mcstayinskool at 11:30 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by mcstayinskool at 11:30 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
I don't get why Heisenberg is blaming the cop. He was lost as soon as he stopped the car.
No, he was lost when his speed was measured. Now he doesn't know his position.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:31 AM on June 28, 2013 [10 favorites]
My favorite bumper sticker (in red):
"If this looks blue, you're driving too fast"
posted by ogooglebar at 11:31 AM on June 28, 2013 [22 favorites]
"If this looks blue, you're driving too fast"
posted by ogooglebar at 11:31 AM on June 28, 2013 [22 favorites]
"Time, Bazooka Joe? That's a rather ethereal subject."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:32 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:32 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Found this one in the comments and it's still making me happy/miserable:
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
posted by Mchelly at 11:33 AM on June 28, 2013 [84 favorites]
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
posted by Mchelly at 11:33 AM on June 28, 2013 [84 favorites]
No, he was lost when his speed was measured. Now he doesn't know his position.
He knew his speed was zero when he stopped the car. That's the point of ODiV's follow-on joke.
posted by gerryblog at 11:34 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
He knew his speed was zero when he stopped the car. That's the point of ODiV's follow-on joke.
posted by gerryblog at 11:34 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
This one was my fave from the original thread:
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
posted by phunniemee at 11:34 AM on June 28, 2013 [34 favorites]
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None; the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
posted by phunniemee at 11:34 AM on June 28, 2013 [34 favorites]
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
IM UPSET
posted by elizardbits at 11:36 AM on June 28, 2013 [23 favorites]
IM UPSET
posted by elizardbits at 11:36 AM on June 28, 2013 [23 favorites]
-- Not Knock
-- Who isn't there?
-- It's me, Dave. Open up, man, I got the stuff.
posted by juv3nal at 11:37 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
-- Who isn't there?
-- It's me, Dave. Open up, man, I got the stuff.
posted by juv3nal at 11:37 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:38 AM on June 28, 2013 [42 favorites]
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:38 AM on June 28, 2013 [42 favorites]
While searching MetaFilter to find if this joke:
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A. Elephant grape sin(theta)
had already been mentioned somewhere I ran across this old AskMe from 2007 in which many of this thread's jokes have already been posted.
posted by komara at 11:40 AM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A. Elephant grape sin(theta)
had already been mentioned somewhere I ran across this old AskMe from 2007 in which many of this thread's jokes have already been posted.
posted by komara at 11:40 AM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
=====> TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:41 AM on June 28, 2013 [17 favorites]
=====> TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:41 AM on June 28, 2013 [17 favorites]
Q: How many Einstein-Rosen Bridges does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Depends on the duration of each bridge, the relative sizes of the bridges, lightbulb, and the species attempting to screw, and how quickly the species can move through the bridge and into the lightbulb.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:41 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
A: Depends on the duration of each bridge, the relative sizes of the bridges, lightbulb, and the species attempting to screw, and how quickly the species can move through the bridge and into the lightbulb.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:41 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
My body is a temple.
But only because it hates Palestine.
-Jeselnik
posted by dios at 11:41 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
But only because it hates Palestine.
-Jeselnik
posted by dios at 11:41 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
Q: Why does it take longer to build an intellectual snowman?
A: You have to hollow out its head!
That's more an anti-intellectual joke.
posted by saulgoodman at 11:42 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
A: You have to hollow out its head!
That's more an anti-intellectual joke.
posted by saulgoodman at 11:42 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
had already been mentioned somewhere I ran across this old AskMe from 2007 in which many of this thread's jokes have already been posted.
45 minutes! That took longer than I expected.
posted by ogooglebar at 11:49 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
45 minutes! That took longer than I expected.
posted by ogooglebar at 11:49 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
flashboy: "Two behaviourists bump into each other as they walk down the street. One says to the other, "You are fine, how am I?""
this is from that askme Komara posted. Can someone explain it to me?
posted by rebent at 11:49 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
this is from that askme Komara posted. Can someone explain it to me?
posted by rebent at 11:49 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Whoa
posted by yarrow at 11:51 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Whoa
posted by yarrow at 11:51 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
This thread's gonna run me out of favorites. Keep them coming please.
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:51 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Dr Dracator at 11:51 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
(Behaviorists wouldn't trust first-person accounts of motivations and feelings, relying only on externally observable behaviors.)
posted by saulgoodman at 11:51 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by saulgoodman at 11:51 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand the binary numbering system, and I'll show myself out now.
posted by vozworth at 11:52 AM on June 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
posted by vozworth at 11:52 AM on June 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a $20 bill on the ground and stoops to pick it up. The other says "You fool! If that were really worth $20, it wouldn't be lying on the ground!"
Laugh all you want, but that really happens with parking in Boston. "If this stretch of spots is legal, how come there's nobody parked at any of them?"
posted by benito.strauss at 11:53 AM on June 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
Laugh all you want, but that really happens with parking in Boston. "If this stretch of spots is legal, how come there's nobody parked at any of them?"
posted by benito.strauss at 11:53 AM on June 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
I treat my body like a temple but I'm a 16th century Calvinist.
posted by dinty_moore at 11:55 AM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by dinty_moore at 11:55 AM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
From the thread I thought the Pavlov joke was the cleverest one (that I hadn't heard a thousand times before). Lots of the other ones just made a reference to the subject area, but that one combined the reference with a change of perspective: "Wait, who's the one who is being trained here?'.
And if you like these types of jokes, make sure not to miss the collected quips of Sidney Morgenbesser.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:00 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
And if you like these types of jokes, make sure not to miss the collected quips of Sidney Morgenbesser.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:00 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
My three year old son made up his first joke last week:
Q: What do you call a sheep with no eyes?
A: A dead sheep.
Give the boy time. He'll crack it.
posted by pipeski at 12:00 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
Q: What do you call a sheep with no eyes?
A: A dead sheep.
Give the boy time. He'll crack it.
posted by pipeski at 12:00 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
'In the immortal words of Socrates: "I drank what?!?"'
(It's kind of obvious, but that one-liner's stuck with me ever since watching Real Genius in the 80s...)
posted by saulgoodman at 12:01 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
(It's kind of obvious, but that one-liner's stuck with me ever since watching Real Genius in the 80s...)
posted by saulgoodman at 12:01 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
OK one of my favorites, a supposedly true anecdote about mathematician Norbert Weiner. He was a notoriously absent minded driver. Sometimes he would even forget that he drove to work, once he came home on the bus and his wife asked where's the car, you drove to work.
So one day Weiner was driving on the highway and drove off the road at a curve and hit a telephone pole by the side of the road. The Highway Patrolman asked him what happened. Weiner said, "the telephone poles were moving past me in an orderly manner, when suddenly, they swerved!"
posted by charlie don't surf at 12:02 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
So one day Weiner was driving on the highway and drove off the road at a curve and hit a telephone pole by the side of the road. The Highway Patrolman asked him what happened. Weiner said, "the telephone poles were moving past me in an orderly manner, when suddenly, they swerved!"
posted by charlie don't surf at 12:02 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
but that one-liner's stuck with me ever since watching Real Genius in the 80s...
ICE. IS. NIIIICE!
These are some good jokes here.
posted by curious nu at 12:08 PM on June 28, 2013
ICE. IS. NIIIICE!
These are some good jokes here.
posted by curious nu at 12:08 PM on June 28, 2013
My neighbor the behavioral economist has so much self control he still has the two marshmallows they gave him when he took that test in grade school.
posted by kgander at 12:09 PM on June 28, 2013 [28 favorites]
posted by kgander at 12:09 PM on June 28, 2013 [28 favorites]
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
ERR_UNDEFINED (you can't cross a vector with a scaler)
posted by TheCavorter at 12:10 PM on June 28, 2013 [22 favorites]
ERR_UNDEFINED (you can't cross a vector with a scaler)
posted by TheCavorter at 12:10 PM on June 28, 2013 [22 favorites]
From user doomwaxer: “Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality.”
Why it’s funny: It forms a wry commentary on the brokenness of the justice system.
Wait, what? It's funny because of the two senses of "to get off on," legal and sexual. In making your cynical political commentary I think you didn't understand your own "intellectual joke," Annoying Slate Writers.
posted by aught at 12:14 PM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
Why it’s funny: It forms a wry commentary on the brokenness of the justice system.
Wait, what? It's funny because of the two senses of "to get off on," legal and sexual. In making your cynical political commentary I think you didn't understand your own "intellectual joke," Annoying Slate Writers.
posted by aught at 12:14 PM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
The best thing about this one
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
is my memory of once when I was chaperoning a group of pre-teens on a trip. They were all telling knock-knock jokes and one of them told this one to me. I hadn't heard it before so I laughed and then the kid just flipped and said "WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT"S FUNNY?!"
so then we got to talk about Philip Glass.
posted by pointystick at 12:16 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
is my memory of once when I was chaperoning a group of pre-teens on a trip. They were all telling knock-knock jokes and one of them told this one to me. I hadn't heard it before so I laughed and then the kid just flipped and said "WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT"S FUNNY?!"
so then we got to talk about Philip Glass.
posted by pointystick at 12:16 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
Wait, what? It's funny because of the two senses of "to get off on," legal and sexual. In making your cynical political commentary I think you didn't understand your own "intellectual joke," Annoying Slate Writers.
Or they were making an additional joke, as they continue to do in the explanations.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:17 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
Or they were making an additional joke, as they continue to do in the explanations.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:17 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
Q: Why does it take longer to build an intellectual snowman?
A: You have to hollow out its head!
That's more an anti-intellectual joke.
Why it's funny, to me: I constructed this by changing the target of an existing joke. The idea of an intellectual snowman completely reverses the original meaning of an empty head—presumably anyone attempting such an abomination would be creating a cavity for some sort of experimental snow-brain. Absurd!
Secondly, constructing a joke in this way is a nod to the fact that intellectual jokes rely on the same types of construction as any other joke. In other words, comedy by its very nature is intellectual.
posted by Lorin at 12:21 PM on June 28, 2013
A: You have to hollow out its head!
That's more an anti-intellectual joke.
Why it's funny, to me: I constructed this by changing the target of an existing joke. The idea of an intellectual snowman completely reverses the original meaning of an empty head—presumably anyone attempting such an abomination would be creating a cavity for some sort of experimental snow-brain. Absurd!
Secondly, constructing a joke in this way is a nod to the fact that intellectual jokes rely on the same types of construction as any other joke. In other words, comedy by its very nature is intellectual.
posted by Lorin at 12:21 PM on June 28, 2013
Or they were making an additional joke, as they continue to do in the explanations.
But... they weren't, they're trying to be funny by being surrealistically super-obvious and pretending to miss the humor. In which case, slow golf clap and eye roll.
posted by aught at 12:23 PM on June 28, 2013
But... they weren't, they're trying to be funny by being surrealistically super-obvious and pretending to miss the humor. In which case, slow golf clap and eye roll.
posted by aught at 12:23 PM on June 28, 2013
Q: What do you call a sheep with no eyes?
A: A dead sheep.
Stewie
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:25 PM on June 28, 2013
A: A dead sheep.
Stewie
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:25 PM on June 28, 2013
If Pinnochio said, "My nose is about to grow", what would happen?
"I think not!", said Descartes, who promptly disappeared.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple - my whole life is a lie.
"Mirror Inspector" is a job I could really see myself doing.
Matryoska dolls are so full of themselves.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.
Like most Cancers, I don't believe in astrology.
A^n + B^n = C^n has no integer solutions for any value n > 2. I have a truly marvelous proof of this proposition which this comment field is too narrow to contain.
Eschew obfuscation.
Recent studies show that correlation implies causation.
Thank God for Atheism.
Death to all fanatics!
Vote Anarchist.
posted by namewithoutwords at 12:26 PM on June 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
"I think not!", said Descartes, who promptly disappeared.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple - my whole life is a lie.
"Mirror Inspector" is a job I could really see myself doing.
Matryoska dolls are so full of themselves.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.
Like most Cancers, I don't believe in astrology.
A^n + B^n = C^n has no integer solutions for any value n > 2. I have a truly marvelous proof of this proposition which this comment field is too narrow to contain.
Eschew obfuscation.
Recent studies show that correlation implies causation.
Thank God for Atheism.
Death to all fanatics!
Vote Anarchist.
posted by namewithoutwords at 12:26 PM on June 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
A neutron walks into a bar and says "Barkeep! How much for a drink?" The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
posted by The Michael The at 12:28 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by The Michael The at 12:28 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Are you sure you lost an electron?"
"I'm positive."
posted by straight at 12:30 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
"I'm positive."
posted by straight at 12:30 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
Q. What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?
A. A finitely venerated abelian grape.
Q. What are white and puffy and generalize set theory?
A. The Pillsbury topoi!
There are three types of people: People who can count and people who can't.
There are infinitely many types of people: People who don't divide people into types, people who divide people into two types, people who divide people into three types, and so on.
Q. What do we want!
A. Right now!
Q. When do we want it?
A. Time travel!
posted by erniepan at 12:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [10 favorites]
A. A finitely venerated abelian grape.
Q. What are white and puffy and generalize set theory?
A. The Pillsbury topoi!
There are three types of people: People who can count and people who can't.
There are infinitely many types of people: People who don't divide people into types, people who divide people into two types, people who divide people into three types, and so on.
Q. What do we want!
A. Right now!
Q. When do we want it?
A. Time travel!
posted by erniepan at 12:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [10 favorites]
Mushroom walks into a bar. Barkeeper says, "get out, we don't serve your kind." Mushroom says, "why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
posted by phunniemee at 12:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 12:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hang around any group of specialists long enough and you will get a pile of these. I presume this is true for any field of specialists, be they intellectual or hobby-based or whatnot.
I once witnessed the following conversation:
"Oh so you just got back from Germany?"
"Yeah. I was at the Hausdorff Institute."
"Wait, so that means all the other institutes *aren't* Hausdorff?"
And hey, even the Wikipedia page on Hausdorff has a few jokes (although not this one).
The problem with specialist jokes of course is that they aren't funny to nonspecialists. I recall being an excitable physics undergrad, desperately trying to explain to my parents why a certain joke about electromagnetic fields was only funny if you used B and not H...
posted by nat at 12:32 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I once witnessed the following conversation:
"Oh so you just got back from Germany?"
"Yeah. I was at the Hausdorff Institute."
"Wait, so that means all the other institutes *aren't* Hausdorff?"
And hey, even the Wikipedia page on Hausdorff has a few jokes (although not this one).
The problem with specialist jokes of course is that they aren't funny to nonspecialists. I recall being an excitable physics undergrad, desperately trying to explain to my parents why a certain joke about electromagnetic fields was only funny if you used B and not H...
posted by nat at 12:32 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
The things I know most about (programming, linguistics, classical languges) I find the jokes the least funny (the Euripedes/Eumenides, the Chomsky one [I hate Chomsky], and the programmer getting the eggs).
I wonder if that's a coincidence?
How bout this one for networking nerds (I'm not really one, just enough of one to get these jokes):
"Can I tell you a TCP joke?" "Please tell me a TCP joke." "OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."
Follow-up:
I'd tell you a UDP joke but you wouldn't get it.
Meta-commentary:
The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them
posted by edheil at 12:33 PM on June 28, 2013 [38 favorites]
I wonder if that's a coincidence?
How bout this one for networking nerds (I'm not really one, just enough of one to get these jokes):
"Can I tell you a TCP joke?" "Please tell me a TCP joke." "OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke."
Follow-up:
I'd tell you a UDP joke but you wouldn't get it.
Meta-commentary:
The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them
posted by edheil at 12:33 PM on June 28, 2013 [38 favorites]
Q: What's the name of the movie in which a man creates the first written language, only to become disillusioned once it doesn't contain enough words to express his love?
A: 500 Days of Sumer
posted by Turkey Glue at 12:34 PM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
A: 500 Days of Sumer
posted by Turkey Glue at 12:34 PM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
More grammar and economic nerd jokes please.
posted by triggerfinger at 12:40 PM on June 28, 2013
posted by triggerfinger at 12:40 PM on June 28, 2013
Why did the anarchist drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft
posted by metaman livingblog at 12:41 PM on June 28, 2013 [30 favorites]
Because proper tea is theft
posted by metaman livingblog at 12:41 PM on June 28, 2013 [30 favorites]
Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.
hahaha
posted by triggerfinger at 12:41 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
hahaha
posted by triggerfinger at 12:41 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
My 12 year old just now: 5 out of 10 math teachers think they should be 1 out of 2 math teachers.
posted by DU at 12:42 PM on June 28, 2013 [52 favorites]
posted by DU at 12:42 PM on June 28, 2013 [52 favorites]
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting at a cafe when they see two people walk into a house across the street. A few minutes later, three people walk out. They get into an argument about how this is possible. The physicist says, "We measured wrong the first time." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were in there." The mathematician says, "We just need to get one person to walk in. Then it'll be empty again."
posted by cthuljew at 12:44 PM on June 28, 2013 [22 favorites]
posted by cthuljew at 12:44 PM on June 28, 2013 [22 favorites]
Why is P the best letter?
Because it's so wynn.
posted by Jehan at 12:44 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
Because it's so wynn.
posted by Jehan at 12:44 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
I find the jokes the least funny (the Euripedes/Eumenides,
I find that one unfunny because I keep hearing Tom and Ray Magliozzi's stupid laughter in my head whenever I read it.
posted by aught at 12:46 PM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
I find that one unfunny because I keep hearing Tom and Ray Magliozzi's stupid laughter in my head whenever I read it.
posted by aught at 12:46 PM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One foot's the same.
posted by jbickers at 12:46 PM on June 28, 2013
A: One foot's the same.
posted by jbickers at 12:46 PM on June 28, 2013
Much of Emo Philips' standup is surprisingly intellectual.
"I was arguing with my dad. I insisted that Plato was the father of modern philosophy. He took the contrary position that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, 'The floor doesn't exist! At least not in the permanent sense that the concept "floor" exists.' He said 'Do you think the concept "your skull" exists?' I said 'yes' and then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts."
Not a joke, just a standup bit. But good stuff.
Plus of course there is his famous best religion joke ever.
"I was arguing with my dad. I insisted that Plato was the father of modern philosophy. He took the contrary position that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, 'The floor doesn't exist! At least not in the permanent sense that the concept "floor" exists.' He said 'Do you think the concept "your skull" exists?' I said 'yes' and then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts."
Not a joke, just a standup bit. But good stuff.
Plus of course there is his famous best religion joke ever.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."posted by edheil at 12:49 PM on June 28, 2013 [44 favorites]
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too!
"Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too!
"What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
"Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
"Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
It's probably bad that I first assumed the Heisenberg joke was a Breaking Bad reference isn't it.
posted by triggerfinger at 12:49 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by triggerfinger at 12:49 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Recursive theory of half-and-half:
Half-and-half is made of half cream and half half-and-half.
posted by antinomia at 12:52 PM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
Half-and-half is made of half cream and half half-and-half.
posted by antinomia at 12:52 PM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
-- Not Knock
-- Who isn't there?
--Jesus
Shouldn't that be
--Jesus. BRB.
posted by fuse theorem at 12:53 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
-- Who isn't there?
--Jesus
Shouldn't that be
--Jesus. BRB.
posted by fuse theorem at 12:53 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
An eccentric billionaire asked a biologist, an engineer, and a physicist to design the world's fastest racehorse.
When the billionaire asked the biologist to show him the horse he had created, he showed a surgically altered and genetically enhanced superhorse.
When the billionaire asked the biologist to show him the horse he had created, he showed a horse fitted out with wheels and rocket engines.
When the billionaire asked the physicist to show him the horse he had created, he said, "OK, imagine a spherical horse in a vacuum...."
posted by edheil at 12:53 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
When the billionaire asked the biologist to show him the horse he had created, he showed a surgically altered and genetically enhanced superhorse.
When the billionaire asked the biologist to show him the horse he had created, he showed a horse fitted out with wheels and rocket engines.
When the billionaire asked the physicist to show him the horse he had created, he said, "OK, imagine a spherical horse in a vacuum...."
posted by edheil at 12:53 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's probably bad that I first assumed the Heisenberg joke was a Breaking Bad reference isn't it.
Immeasurably bad
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:54 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Immeasurably bad
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:54 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Oh, and since religion jokes are on the table:
A young rabbi always finds himself disagreeing three older rabbis. One day, as they argue, he's absolutely convinced that he's correct. He pleads, "Dear Lord, please send a sign to these elders that I'm right!" Out of the clear blue sky, a lightning bolt strikes a nearby tree. The three elders scoff and say that it's just a freak weather occurrence. The young rabbi pleads once again, "Lord, send a definite sign that I'm right!" The sky turns pitch black and three bolts of lightning in a row strike the very same tree. The older rabbis are still not convinced. The young rabbi falls to his knees, pleading, "Almight God, please prove to them that I'm right!" A booming voice comes down from the heavens, "HE'S RIGHT!" The three older rabbis look at each other, shrug, and say, "Okay, now it's two against three."
posted by cthuljew at 12:56 PM on June 28, 2013 [36 favorites]
A young rabbi always finds himself disagreeing three older rabbis. One day, as they argue, he's absolutely convinced that he's correct. He pleads, "Dear Lord, please send a sign to these elders that I'm right!" Out of the clear blue sky, a lightning bolt strikes a nearby tree. The three elders scoff and say that it's just a freak weather occurrence. The young rabbi pleads once again, "Lord, send a definite sign that I'm right!" The sky turns pitch black and three bolts of lightning in a row strike the very same tree. The older rabbis are still not convinced. The young rabbi falls to his knees, pleading, "Almight God, please prove to them that I'm right!" A booming voice comes down from the heavens, "HE'S RIGHT!" The three older rabbis look at each other, shrug, and say, "Okay, now it's two against three."
posted by cthuljew at 12:56 PM on June 28, 2013 [36 favorites]
A bum is panhandling in the theatre district when he spots a well dressed couple. "Spare change?" the bum asks? The man replies "Neither a borrower, nor a lender be - William Shakespeare" The bum thinks for a minute then says "Go fuck yourself - David Mamet.
posted by jonmc at 1:05 PM on June 28, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 1:05 PM on June 28, 2013 [18 favorites]
I've told this one here before, but...
Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
Foreman asks; 'Do you know the difference between girders and joists?'.
'Sure! One wrote Ulysses, the other wrote Faust'.
posted by punilux at 1:06 PM on June 28, 2013 [21 favorites]
Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
Foreman asks; 'Do you know the difference between girders and joists?'.
'Sure! One wrote Ulysses, the other wrote Faust'.
posted by punilux at 1:06 PM on June 28, 2013 [21 favorites]
Seen today at work:
You won't get my Haskell joke until you need to.
posted by heathkit at 1:06 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
You won't get my Haskell joke until you need to.
posted by heathkit at 1:06 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
My favorite religion joke from a former coworker who was in theology school:
One day Jesus was speaking to a group of his followers and friends when an angry crowd approached, dragging a man behind them.
"Rabbi," one of the men said, "This person is a sinner. The law says we should stone him. What do you say, Teacher?"
Jesus replied, "Let who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a rock whizzes past and beans the poor man on the head.
Jesus said,"Mother! I was trying to make a point!"
posted by pointystick at 1:10 PM on June 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
One day Jesus was speaking to a group of his followers and friends when an angry crowd approached, dragging a man behind them.
"Rabbi," one of the men said, "This person is a sinner. The law says we should stone him. What do you say, Teacher?"
Jesus replied, "Let who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a rock whizzes past and beans the poor man on the head.
Jesus said,"Mother! I was trying to make a point!"
posted by pointystick at 1:10 PM on June 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
I don't get any of these.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:13 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:13 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
These aren't really intellectual jokes, in that they don't really make you think, they're just really dumb jokes about obscure topics. They're not any more intellectual than a sports joke that depends on knowing who the quarterback of the '87 Bears would be.
posted by empath at 1:15 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by empath at 1:15 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
These aren't really intellectual jokes, in that they don't really make you think, they're just really dumb jokes about obscure topics. They're not any more intellectual than a sports joke that depends on knowing who the quarterback of the '87 Bears would be.
Johnny Bench called...
posted by RustyBrooks at 1:23 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Johnny Bench called...
posted by RustyBrooks at 1:23 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Annoying Slate Writers.
No need to be redundant.
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:23 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
No need to be redundant.
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:23 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders one beer, the second orders half a beer, the next orders one quarter of a beer, and so on. The bartender pours two pints, sets them on the counter, and says "you mathematicians just don't know your limits."
posted by Wulfhere at 1:24 PM on June 28, 2013 [39 favorites]
posted by Wulfhere at 1:24 PM on June 28, 2013 [39 favorites]
There are 2 kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate missing data from incomplete data sets
posted by jboy55 at 1:27 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by jboy55 at 1:27 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic Church, and the priest says "Sorry, but you're not allowed in here." The Higgs boson says "But without me, how can you have mass?"
posted by jeather at 1:27 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by jeather at 1:27 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who didn't know this joke was in ternary.
posted by Wulfhere at 1:28 PM on June 28, 2013 [27 favorites]
posted by Wulfhere at 1:28 PM on June 28, 2013 [27 favorites]
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, he gives it to 5 Californians there by reducing it to another joke.
posted by jboy55 at 1:28 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
A: One, he gives it to 5 Californians there by reducing it to another joke.
posted by jboy55 at 1:28 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
There are several types of people in this world. One of the types is the person who gets really excited about this thread and goes to the bottom and types in their favorite joke without realizing that it was already written in here, by somebody else who didn't realize that it was already written in one of the source links.
posted by entropone at 1:29 PM on June 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by entropone at 1:29 PM on June 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
These aren't really intellectual jokes, in that they don't really make you think, they're just really dumb jokes about obscure topics. They're not any more intellectual than a sports joke that depends on knowing who the quarterback of the '87 Bears would be.
Q: How many members of an ethnic minority does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to screw in the lightbulb and nine to act in a manner stereotypical of that minority.
posted by cthuljew at 1:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
Q: How many members of an ethnic minority does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to screw in the lightbulb and nine to act in a manner stereotypical of that minority.
posted by cthuljew at 1:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
I used to do business with a company that moved into a new building and decided to name their conference rooms after famous scientists. I liked to approach the receptionist and announce that I was there for a meeting. Then I would ask, "Can you direct me to the Heisenberg Room?" The receptionist would hesitantly answer, "I'm not sure where that is..."
and I would smile quietly to myself.
posted by Doohickie at 1:35 PM on June 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
and I would smile quietly to myself.
posted by Doohickie at 1:35 PM on June 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
The three older rabbis look at each other, shrug, and say, "Okay, now it's two against three."
That one is actually from the Talmud (the rabbi arguing against the other three was Rabbi Eliezer).
posted by jeather at 1:39 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
That one is actually from the Talmud (the rabbi arguing against the other three was Rabbi Eliezer).
posted by jeather at 1:39 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]
There are infinitely many types of people: People who don't divide people into types, people who divide people into two types, people who divide people into three types, and so on.
Hah!
A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, "I know, I'll solve it with threads!". has Now problems. two he
posted by junco at 1:40 PM on June 28, 2013 [14 favorites]
Hah!
A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, "I know, I'll solve it with threads!". has Now problems. two he
posted by junco at 1:40 PM on June 28, 2013 [14 favorites]
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count, and those who cannot.
posted by grubi at 1:46 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by grubi at 1:46 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Q: What's an anagram for Banach-Tarski?
A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.
posted by Eideteker at 1:48 PM on June 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.
posted by Eideteker at 1:48 PM on June 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
Three logicians are sitting in a restaurant. The waitress asks “is everyone having coffee?”
The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes.”
It's this one or the Angela Merkel one that has won for me so far.
posted by jeather at 1:49 PM on June 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes.”
It's this one or the Angela Merkel one that has won for me so far.
posted by jeather at 1:49 PM on June 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
Is this one intellectual? or just a performance piece?
You say: "How does every racist joke start?"
-and then you look surreptitiously yet ostentatiously to the left and the right.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:50 PM on June 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
You say: "How does every racist joke start?"
-and then you look surreptitiously yet ostentatiously to the left and the right.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:50 PM on June 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
This one is my favourite:
The first mathematician says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question.
All she has to do is answer: `one third x cubed'.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
posted by Space Coyote at 1:56 PM on June 28, 2013 [34 favorites]
The first mathematician says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question.
All she has to do is answer: `one third x cubed'.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
posted by Space Coyote at 1:56 PM on June 28, 2013 [34 favorites]
Pinter's dog walks into a bar. Barman says, "So why the big paws?"
Bonus: GoT version
posted by the latin mouse at 2:14 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Bonus: GoT version
posted by the latin mouse at 2:14 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I guess this fits here, more or less: Mostly German Philosophers Love Song
posted by lbebber at 2:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by lbebber at 2:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are several types of people in this world. One of the types is the person who gets really excited about this thread and goes to the bottom and types in their favorite joke without realizing that it was already written in here, by somebody else who didn't realize that it was already written in one of the source links.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:32 PM on June 28, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by iamkimiam at 2:32 PM on June 28, 2013 [10 favorites]
What do you get when you cross a mafioso with a semiotician?
...You get an offer you can't understand.
posted by angiep at 2:34 PM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
...You get an offer you can't understand.
posted by angiep at 2:34 PM on June 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
Q: How many Nietzscheans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Just wait long enough and it'll work again.
Q: How many Hegelians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb is always changing.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb has to change itself or it'll just recreate the conditions of oppression.
And just because I love this joke:
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
posted by cthuljew at 2:38 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
A: None. Just wait long enough and it'll work again.
Q: How many Hegelians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb is always changing.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb has to change itself or it'll just recreate the conditions of oppression.
And just because I love this joke:
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
posted by cthuljew at 2:38 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
> Give the boy time. He'll crack it
My daughter's first joke, from roughly the same age, which is really quite profound if you don't think about it too much.
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Door!
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:38 PM on June 28, 2013 [19 favorites]
My daughter's first joke, from roughly the same age, which is really quite profound if you don't think about it too much.
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Door!
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:38 PM on June 28, 2013 [19 favorites]
I want to have children just so I can watch little humans figure out the mechanics of humor.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:41 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by iamkimiam at 2:41 PM on June 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
MY ATTEMPT:
"Not Knock"
"Who's Not There?"
"Nobody."
"Oh."
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 2:50 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Not Knock"
"Who's Not There?"
"Nobody."
"Oh."
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 2:50 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can prove there is no such thing as an uninteresting number:
Suppose there is an uninteresting number. Suppose it's 4. Wouldn't that be interesting?
I want to have children just so I can watch little humans figure out the mechanics of humor.
When my granddaughter was 18 months old, I asked her if she wanted me to put on her shoes. With her meager language skills, she joked "No fit!"
It is so the best part of grand-parenting. Especially the part where you deliberately throw them curves to see how they handle them.
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:01 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Suppose there is an uninteresting number. Suppose it's 4. Wouldn't that be interesting?
I want to have children just so I can watch little humans figure out the mechanics of humor.
When my granddaughter was 18 months old, I asked her if she wanted me to put on her shoes. With her meager language skills, she joked "No fit!"
It is so the best part of grand-parenting. Especially the part where you deliberately throw them curves to see how they handle them.
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:01 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark.
ok I get that euripides/eumenides sound like "you ripped these/you mend these" and they are both things a classics prof would know about, but is there a deeper meaning to this joke?
Oh, so now you're a philosopher?
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
posted by BlueHorse at 3:17 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
ok I get that euripides/eumenides sound like "you ripped these/you mend these" and they are both things a classics prof would know about, but is there a deeper meaning to this joke?
Oh, so now you're a philosopher?
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
posted by BlueHorse at 3:17 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who say, "There are two kinds of people in the world: those who say there are two kinds of people in the world, and the other kind," and there's who don't say. --Bobb Dobbs
posted by sourwookie at 3:26 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by sourwookie at 3:26 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
A neutrino walks into the cathedral. The priest stops him. The neutrino asks why. The priest replies, "For you there is no mass."
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:28 PM on June 28, 2013
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:28 PM on June 28, 2013
A third-grader of my acquaintance came up with the following:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Julia Child.
Interrupting Julia Child wh--
(In best Julia Child voice) Helloooooo!
posted by nonasuch at 3:52 PM on June 28, 2013 [23 favorites]
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Julia Child.
Interrupting Julia Child wh--
(In best Julia Child voice) Helloooooo!
posted by nonasuch at 3:52 PM on June 28, 2013 [23 favorites]
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I'll let you figure out the rest. It's the most intelligent joke at my house, anyway.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:05 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I'll let you figure out the rest. It's the most intelligent joke at my house, anyway.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:05 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
rebent: " flashboy: "Two behaviourists bump into each other as they walk down the street. One says to the other, "You are fine, how am I?""
this is from that askme Komara posted. Can someone explain it to me?"
saulgoodman: "(Behaviorists wouldn't trust first-person accounts of motivations and feelings, relying only on externally observable behaviors.)"
Ah, thank you. I suppose I must be a different sort of behaviorist because that explanation was not obvious to me. My friend offered this alternative punchline: "Maybe they graph it and walk by each other again to look for a trend?"
I'd like to offer this alternative behaviorist joke, as follows:
Two behaviorists were walking across a bridge when it collapsed under their feet. When asked why it happened, the first one said it was because of how the bridge was reinforced, and the second blamed the environment.
posted by rebent at 4:46 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
this is from that askme Komara posted. Can someone explain it to me?"
saulgoodman: "(Behaviorists wouldn't trust first-person accounts of motivations and feelings, relying only on externally observable behaviors.)"
Ah, thank you. I suppose I must be a different sort of behaviorist because that explanation was not obvious to me. My friend offered this alternative punchline: "Maybe they graph it and walk by each other again to look for a trend?"
I'd like to offer this alternative behaviorist joke, as follows:
Two behaviorists were walking across a bridge when it collapsed under their feet. When asked why it happened, the first one said it was because of how the bridge was reinforced, and the second blamed the environment.
posted by rebent at 4:46 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
for those who made it this far: you owe it to yourselves to try to track down a copy of Absolute Zero Gravity, as it contains numerous jokes of this ilk.
posted by namewithoutwords at 4:51 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by namewithoutwords at 4:51 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Two Americans are watching a theatre performance in Japan.
At intermission, the first proclaims "I don't understand any of this."
The second replies, "Oh? What part of No don't you understand?"
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:53 PM on June 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
At intermission, the first proclaims "I don't understand any of this."
The second replies, "Oh? What part of No don't you understand?"
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:53 PM on June 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
I don't know any intellectual jokes, but here's a highbrow dirty joke:
Q: What is the difference between six and nine inches?
A: Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night's Dream.
(From John Lanchester's A Debt to Pleasure.)
posted by Lush at 4:56 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Q: What is the difference between six and nine inches?
A: Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night's Dream.
(From John Lanchester's A Debt to Pleasure.)
posted by Lush at 4:56 PM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I used to load my poetry with word gymnastics which I thought of as intellectual jokes.
"Forever berating reverberating addverbs slyly lying lee-words"
"The Martian masseuse throws up four hands and cries and sighs and says, 'What's the use of throwing up your hands crying, sighing, saying, 'There are knots inside the heart of man tied inside of knots.' Like the nautilus. The nautilus knows lust, not a lot of lust, none-the-less, more or less all-the-wiser, all I'm saying is that truth is stranger and blood is thicker than fiction or water.'"
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:26 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
"Forever berating reverberating addverbs slyly lying lee-words"
"The Martian masseuse throws up four hands and cries and sighs and says, 'What's the use of throwing up your hands crying, sighing, saying, 'There are knots inside the heart of man tied inside of knots.' Like the nautilus. The nautilus knows lust, not a lot of lust, none-the-less, more or less all-the-wiser, all I'm saying is that truth is stranger and blood is thicker than fiction or water.'"
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:26 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
A neutrino walks into the cathedral. The priest stops him. The neutrino asks why. The priest replies, "For you there is no mass."
Hmmf!
We're not sure if the lightest neutrino has mass. Try a photon, graviton, or gluon.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:35 PM on June 28, 2013
Hmmf!
We're not sure if the lightest neutrino has mass. Try a photon, graviton, or gluon.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:35 PM on June 28, 2013
I want to have children just so I can watch little humans figure out the mechanics of humor.
No you don't. You really don't.
posted by DU at 5:38 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
No you don't. You really don't.
posted by DU at 5:38 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
I can't believe I get to post this one....
A brown bear and a white bear both walk through a puddle. The white bear dissolves but the brown bear just walks right through. Why?
The white bear was a polar bear.
posted by 517 at 5:45 PM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
A brown bear and a white bear both walk through a puddle. The white bear dissolves but the brown bear just walks right through. Why?
The white bear was a polar bear.
posted by 517 at 5:45 PM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
The white bear was a polar bear.
The 12 Year Old: ....because water can dissolve things.
Me: :
Him: :
Me: That's. Not funny.
Him: No.
posted by DU at 6:00 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
The 12 Year Old: ....because water can dissolve things.
Me: :
Him: :
Me: That's. Not funny.
Him: No.
posted by DU at 6:00 PM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
f walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich.
The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions".
posted by Catch at 6:18 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions".
posted by Catch at 6:18 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
if you're having curl problems, I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but the pitch ain't one.
posted by kagredon at 6:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I got 99 problems but the pitch ain't one.
posted by kagredon at 6:31 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I want to have children just so I can watch little humans figure out the mechanics of humor.
My 3 year old nephew: "What's funnier than a fart?"
Me: ?
3yo: "Poo!!!"
you have to admit, that's pretty good, on an intellectual level
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:17 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
My 3 year old nephew: "What's funnier than a fart?"
Me: ?
3yo: "Poo!!!"
you have to admit, that's pretty good, on an intellectual level
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:17 PM on June 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
dances_with_sneetches: "I used to load my poetry with word gymnastics which I thought of as intellectual jokes.
"Forever berating reverberating addverbs slyly lying lee-words"
"The Martian masseuse throws up four hands and cries and sighs and says, 'What's the use of throwing up your hands crying, sighing, saying, 'There are knots inside the heart of man tied inside of knots.' Like the nautilus. The nautilus knows lust, not a lot of lust, none-the-less, more or less all-the-wiser, all I'm saying is that truth is stranger and blood is thicker than fiction or water.'""
So you're Ani DiFranco?
posted by notsnot at 7:19 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
"Forever berating reverberating addverbs slyly lying lee-words"
"The Martian masseuse throws up four hands and cries and sighs and says, 'What's the use of throwing up your hands crying, sighing, saying, 'There are knots inside the heart of man tied inside of knots.' Like the nautilus. The nautilus knows lust, not a lot of lust, none-the-less, more or less all-the-wiser, all I'm saying is that truth is stranger and blood is thicker than fiction or water.'""
So you're Ani DiFranco?
posted by notsnot at 7:19 PM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is giving me flashbacks to paddy wagons and cement mixers getting into crashes.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 9:51 PM on June 28, 2013
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 9:51 PM on June 28, 2013
I've told this one before, but it's my favorite joke, so...
Two psychologists walking along a road find a severely beaten man lying broken and bleeding in the gutter. The first psychologist turns to the other and says, "The man who did this needs our help."
posted by faineant at 10:51 PM on June 28, 2013 [15 favorites]
Two psychologists walking along a road find a severely beaten man lying broken and bleeding in the gutter. The first psychologist turns to the other and says, "The man who did this needs our help."
posted by faineant at 10:51 PM on June 28, 2013 [15 favorites]
I used to tell this Heraclitus joke, but it was only funny once.
posted by Chitownfats at 11:33 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by Chitownfats at 11:33 PM on June 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
I used to do business with a company that moved into a new building and decided to name their conference rooms after famous scientists. I liked to approach the receptionist and announce that I was there for a meeting. Then I would ask, "Can you direct me to the Heisenberg Room?" The receptionist would hesitantly answer, "I'm not sure where that is..."
and I would smile quietly to myself.
posted by Doohickie
But at least they could tell you how long it would take to get there?
posted by lrobertjones at 12:10 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
and I would smile quietly to myself.
posted by Doohickie
But at least they could tell you how long it would take to get there?
posted by lrobertjones at 12:10 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Q. What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
A. YOU CAN'T CROSS A SCALAR WITH A VECTOR *snort*
posted by en forme de poire at 2:23 AM on June 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
A. YOU CAN'T CROSS A SCALAR WITH A VECTOR *snort*
posted by en forme de poire at 2:23 AM on June 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
A photon is checking in to a hotel. The receptionist asks if he needs help with his luggage. The photon responds, "No thanks. I'm traveling light!"
posted by Betelgeuse at 4:32 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Betelgeuse at 4:32 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Q: What's the contour integral of Western Europe?
A: 0. There are no Poles in Western Europe!
Q: What's the contour integral of Eastern Europe?
A: Also 0. All the Poles in Eastern Europe are removable!
I'm pretty sure that second one is the only math-based ethnic cleansing joke in existence.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 4:53 AM on June 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
A: 0. There are no Poles in Western Europe!
Q: What's the contour integral of Eastern Europe?
A: Also 0. All the Poles in Eastern Europe are removable!
I'm pretty sure that second one is the only math-based ethnic cleansing joke in existence.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 4:53 AM on June 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
I don't know any intellectual jokes, but here's a highbrow dirty joke:
Q: What is the difference between six and nine inches?
A: Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night's Dream.
This is actually part of a much longer (no pun intended) joke which google and I were unable to find, but here it is being discussed.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:56 AM on June 29, 2013
Q: What is the difference between six and nine inches?
A: Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night's Dream.
This is actually part of a much longer (no pun intended) joke which google and I were unable to find, but here it is being discussed.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:56 AM on June 29, 2013
Two behaviourists bump into each other as they walk down the street. One says to the other, "You are fine, how am I?"
Also, this joke was originally about Transactional Analysts.
The punchline was "You're OK, how am I?" and was a reference to this book.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:03 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, this joke was originally about Transactional Analysts.
The punchline was "You're OK, how am I?" and was a reference to this book.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:03 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
What happens when you turn Edward Said upside down?
He gets disoriented!
posted by awenner at 5:19 AM on June 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
He gets disoriented!
posted by awenner at 5:19 AM on June 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Half-and-half is made of half cream and half half-and-half.
So.. it's all cream?!
posted by yonega at 6:56 AM on June 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
So.. it's all cream?!
posted by yonega at 6:56 AM on June 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
A C, Eb, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors here."
posted by Hal Mumkin at 7:58 AM on June 29, 2013
posted by Hal Mumkin at 7:58 AM on June 29, 2013
Q: What's the contour integral of Western Europe?
A: 0. There are no Poles in Western Europe!
Sorry, you can't conclude that. Western Europe isn't Analytic, it's Continental.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:03 AM on June 29, 2013 [9 favorites]
A: 0. There are no Poles in Western Europe!
Sorry, you can't conclude that. Western Europe isn't Analytic, it's Continental.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:03 AM on June 29, 2013 [9 favorites]
Hal Mumkin: "A C, Eb, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors here."
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
posted by kilo hertz at 11:57 AM on June 29, 2013 [33 favorites]
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
posted by kilo hertz at 11:57 AM on June 29, 2013 [33 favorites]
SMBC had one right at the border of lowbrow and highbrow
posted by kagredon at 12:03 PM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by kagredon at 12:03 PM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I haven't seen this one posted yet, so here goes:
An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 12:09 PM on June 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."
posted by oozy rat in a sanitary zoo at 12:09 PM on June 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are kidnapped by a supervillain to prevent them from foiling his evil plan. They're imprisoned in individual underground cells, each with a stack of canned goods.
Two months later, the villain has been defeated, and the rescue team discovers his underground prison. They come to the engineer's cell and find that he's long gone, having used aluminum shavings from the cans and rust from the old fixtures in the cell to make thermite and blast through the wall. They encounter the physicist next, finding him in his cell, bored but well-fed, having calculated the right angle to throw the cans at the wall to break them open without spilling much food. They free him and move on to the mathematician's cell, where they find the mathematician's skeleton and a message written in blood reading
Two months later, the villain has been defeated, and the rescue team discovers his underground prison. They come to the engineer's cell and find that he's long gone, having used aluminum shavings from the cans and rust from the old fixtures in the cell to make thermite and blast through the wall. They encounter the physicist next, finding him in his cell, bored but well-fed, having calculated the right angle to throw the cans at the wall to break them open without spilling much food. They free him and move on to the mathematician's cell, where they find the mathematician's skeleton and a message written in blood reading
IF I DON'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO OPEN THESE CANS, I'M GOING TO STARVE TO DEATHposted by kagredon at 12:15 PM on June 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
PROOF BY CONTRADICTION
posted by kilo hertz
Oh no! I laughed so hard I think I broke something.
Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen
posted by BlueHorse at 1:12 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh no! I laughed so hard I think I broke something.
Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen
posted by BlueHorse at 1:12 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
?elttob nielK a otni llef ohw etutitsorp eht tuoba eno eht raeh uoy diD
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 3:01 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 3:01 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
From my husband (because I don't speak French):
An Englishman is on holiday when his wife dies, so he goes into a shop to buy a black hat for the funeral. He goes up to the shopkeeper and says, "Excusez-moi monsieur, je voudrais acheter une capote noir."
To which the shopkeeper replies, "Une capote noir, pourquoi?"
The man explains that his wife is dead to which the Frenchman replies, "Quelle finesse!"
posted by Hal Mumkin at 3:53 PM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
An Englishman is on holiday when his wife dies, so he goes into a shop to buy a black hat for the funeral. He goes up to the shopkeeper and says, "Excusez-moi monsieur, je voudrais acheter une capote noir."
To which the shopkeeper replies, "Une capote noir, pourquoi?"
The man explains that his wife is dead to which the Frenchman replies, "Quelle finesse!"
posted by Hal Mumkin at 3:53 PM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I didn't know we were doing knock knock jokes, so here is one from Ian Shoales:
How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Even the framing of this question makes a grid of patriarchal assumptions that reveals a slavish devotion to phallocentric ideas - such as, technical accomplishment has inherent value, knowledge can be attained and quantities of labor can be determined empirically, all of which makes a discourse which further marginalizes the already disenfranchised.
posted by charlie don't surf at 4:15 PM on June 29, 2013 [22 favorites]
How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Even the framing of this question makes a grid of patriarchal assumptions that reveals a slavish devotion to phallocentric ideas - such as, technical accomplishment has inherent value, knowledge can be attained and quantities of labor can be determined empirically, all of which makes a discourse which further marginalizes the already disenfranchised.
posted by charlie don't surf at 4:15 PM on June 29, 2013 [22 favorites]
Sorry, you can't conclude that. Western Europe isn't Analytic, it's Continental.
*slow clap*
posted by Elementary Penguin at 5:59 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
*slow clap*
posted by Elementary Penguin at 5:59 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
charlie don't surf: OK one of my favorites, a supposedly true anecdote about mathematician Norbert Weiner.
I heard a lot of Norbert Wiener stories growing up, since my dad was a grad student at MIT during the time that Dr. Wiener was a professor there. He even met him once (in an elevator).
There are two stories I remember about him. In the first one, Wiener is walking home and gets lost. He stops a young girl in the neighborhood and says, "Little girl, do you know where the Wieners live?", whereupon she looks up at him, sighs, and says "Oh, Daddy..." (Wikipedia tells a slightly different version)
In another story he is walking down a hallway at MIT and runs into a colleague. They have a brief discussion, and then the colleague starts to leave. Wiener stops him and says, "Which way was I going when you stopped me?" The colleague tells him, and Wiener replies, "Oh good, then I've had my lunch."
posted by jenh526 at 8:49 PM on June 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
I heard a lot of Norbert Wiener stories growing up, since my dad was a grad student at MIT during the time that Dr. Wiener was a professor there. He even met him once (in an elevator).
There are two stories I remember about him. In the first one, Wiener is walking home and gets lost. He stops a young girl in the neighborhood and says, "Little girl, do you know where the Wieners live?", whereupon she looks up at him, sighs, and says "Oh, Daddy..." (Wikipedia tells a slightly different version)
In another story he is walking down a hallway at MIT and runs into a colleague. They have a brief discussion, and then the colleague starts to leave. Wiener stops him and says, "Which way was I going when you stopped me?" The colleague tells him, and Wiener replies, "Oh good, then I've had my lunch."
posted by jenh526 at 8:49 PM on June 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
Surely the best knock knock joke ever
posted by Joe in Australia at 11:55 PM on June 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
posted by Joe in Australia at 11:55 PM on June 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
If someone doesn't tell some jokes about Lamarckian evolution, pretty soon we won't have any jokes about Lamarckian evolution to tell.
posted by logicpunk at 5:57 AM on June 30, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by logicpunk at 5:57 AM on June 30, 2013 [7 favorites]
Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A. Zero.
posted by applemeat at 7:10 AM on June 30, 2013 [14 favorites]
A. Zero.
posted by applemeat at 7:10 AM on June 30, 2013 [14 favorites]
Surely the best knock knock joke ever
Oh, that "LOL loving this!!!" person there in the middle of all the beauty. I see that so often on Facebook. Why do people do that? It's vandalism, perky vandalism.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:53 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
Oh, that "LOL loving this!!!" person there in the middle of all the beauty. I see that so often on Facebook. Why do people do that? It's vandalism, perky vandalism.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:53 AM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
You know, jenh526, I might have even heard that Norbert Weiner story when I visited MIT when was a high school senior trying to get admitted. I might have read it in HoToGAMIT.
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:36 AM on June 30, 2013
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:36 AM on June 30, 2013
More Emo!
Emo [in his usual singsong]: I was walking by a construction site the other day, and this roofer screams at me, "Hey, you paranoid freak!" In Morse code. With his hammer.
posted by wensink at 8:36 AM on July 1, 2013 [5 favorites]
Emo [in his usual singsong]: I was walking by a construction site the other day, and this roofer screams at me, "Hey, you paranoid freak!" In Morse code. With his hammer.
posted by wensink at 8:36 AM on July 1, 2013 [5 favorites]
They come to the engineer's cell and find that he's long gone, having used aluminum shavings from the cans and rust from the old fixtures in the cell to make thermite and blast through the wall.
Thermite's not an explosive.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:04 PM on July 1, 2013
Thermite's not an explosive.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:04 PM on July 1, 2013
Maybe not by the strict definition of an explosive, but extremely exothermic reactions are pretty good at destroying walls that mad scientists didn't think through too well.
I speak, of course, from personal experience.
posted by kagredon at 11:36 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
I speak, of course, from personal experience.
posted by kagredon at 11:36 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure
... and those who were still craving closure until they came back and read this comment.
posted by sfenders at 3:22 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
... and those who were still craving closure until they came back and read this comment.
posted by sfenders at 3:22 PM on July 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
There once was a young man named Rex
Who had diminutive organs of sex.
When charged with exposure,
He said, with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex.*"
*The law does not concern itself with trifles.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:19 PM on July 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
Who had diminutive organs of sex.
When charged with exposure,
He said, with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex.*"
*The law does not concern itself with trifles.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:19 PM on July 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
There's a nice article in The Independent based on the Reddit thread.
Some good jokes in the comments thread there.
posted by philipy at 11:50 AM on July 8, 2013
Some good jokes in the comments thread there.
posted by philipy at 11:50 AM on July 8, 2013
An uncountable number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bartender refuses to serve them, muttering: "Hardly any of you are rational."
posted by philipy at 11:56 AM on July 8, 2013
The bartender refuses to serve them, muttering: "Hardly any of you are rational."
posted by philipy at 11:56 AM on July 8, 2013
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posted by mule98J at 11:01 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]