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She and the children have a great deal in common.
July 12, 2013 6:43 AM   Subscribe

I regret to inform you that my wedding to Captain Von Trapp has been cancelled. Comedian and author Melinda Taub's piece in McSweeney's, a letter from Baroness Elsa Schraeder to the guests of the wedding she thought she was going to have. Related: An Update on the Problem of Maria. A memo from the Reverend Mother to The Nuns. [For those not in the know]
posted by entropone (31 comments total) 27 users marked this as a favorite

 
The wedding cancellation letter has affirmed my long-standing belief that Captain von Trapp made the wrong choice.
posted by orange swan at 6:51 AM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]


Good stuff, especially the Maria problems update.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:57 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't know what the Baroness is so upset about. The man's a naval officer -- it's only a matter of time before he gets called up to go to sea again, and whoever he's married to is going to want to go running for the hills.

I have retained custody of the Captain’s hard-drinking gay friend, Max. Anyone who gets tired of sing-a-longs should feel free to look us up.

Done. Not as much fun as you'd think.
posted by PlusDistance at 6:57 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, so now we're doing absurdist Sound of Music humor?
posted by cortex at 7:09 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


Obviously written by someone who is unaware of No Way To Stop It, a song from the original stage production and left out of the movie. The song has Elsa and Max trying to convince Georg that simply going along with the Nazis when they come to town is the best course, while Georg feels he must stand against the encroaching fascism.

It makes it clear to the Captain that he can't marry Elsa because they have vastly differing worldviews.
posted by hippybear at 7:10 AM on July 12, 2013 [16 favorites]


Come on, it's obvious the Captain is some sort of proto-Quiverfull Movement fanatic. Not only does he have 7 kids already, but he throws over a rich baroness (who probably throws back a contraceptive with her first martini every morning) to marry some crazy singing Catholic ex-nun only a few years older than his own daughter. If I were a Swiss immigration official, I'd have turned them back at the border, since its pretty obvious old Von Trapp is intent in breeding his own little mountain battalion...
posted by Chrischris at 7:15 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


I also love how the movie has them walking from Salzburg to Switzerland, a distance of about 200 miles.
posted by hippybear at 7:20 AM on July 12, 2013


What is it you can't face?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:21 AM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


Maria fits neatly into the Manic Pixie Dream Girl framework, doesn't she? She is so quirky and untameable! She wears curtains! She sings songs about deer and tea!

And grumpy old Captain Von Trapp can't resist her. She teaches him to be a marginally less uptight person.
posted by emjaybee at 7:25 AM on July 12, 2013 [17 favorites]


So...Zach Braff in the reboot, coming summer of 2015? With Nathan Lane as Max, sloth-lovin' Kristen Bell as Maria, and Channing Tatum as the young Nazi beau!
posted by wenestvedt at 7:35 AM on July 12, 2013 [8 favorites]


I also love how the movie has them walking from Salzburg to Switzerland, a distance of about 200 miles.

In real life, the von Trapps took the train out of Austria.
posted by orange swan at 7:39 AM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


This inspired me to seek out the answer to a question I've been wondering about for awhile: Why does Austria even have a navy?
posted by naoko at 7:40 AM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


When I do a youtube search: (my favorite things movie scene) the top two hits are homemade videos people made pointing a camera at a video display.

PROGRESS NEEDS TO BE FASTER THAN THIS!

(This thread needs a link to misslynster's metafilter comment about the Austrian natives asking why the American tourists are always running around that fountain acting giddy.)
posted by bukvich at 7:49 AM on July 12, 2013


Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything. Ha, I enjoyed that.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:15 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


I played Capt. Von Trapp in a high school production of The Sound of Music. The girl who played Elsa was so much hotter than the girl who played Maria, but I only got to kiss Maria.

I was the grumpiest Capt. Von Trapp ever. One of my friends pointed at me walking down the hall and said, "You walk like Capt. Von Trapp!" (he meant "like you have a stick up your butt").
posted by straight at 8:17 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


So...Zach Braff in the reboot, coming summer of 2015? With Nathan Lane as Max, sloth-lovin' Kristen Bell as Maria, and Channing Tatum as the young Nazi beau!

IN IMAX 3D YES
posted by elizardbits at 8:19 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


So...Zach Braff in the reboot, coming summer of 2015? With Nathan Lane as Max, sloth-lovin' Kristen Bell as Maria, and Channing Tatum as the young Nazi beau!

After seeing This Is the End, it turns out Channing Tatum would make a good Max.

(Also, that was a good piece.)
posted by headnsouth at 8:19 AM on July 12, 2013


When we were little,my sister and I would stick big bows on our hips and pretend to be the Baroness. The hip bow was fascinating to our unsophisticated little eyes.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:32 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


What is it you can't face?

Ooh, is this where I post the (probably apocryphal) story about the stage production of TSOM that had a Kiwi actress playing the Mother Superior? Performed in her own accent, which gave this line a very different tenor...
posted by the latin mouse at 8:42 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


Maria fits neatly into the Manic Pixie Dream Girl framework, doesn't she? She is so quirky and untameable! She wears curtains! She sings songs about deer and tea!

The reboot will be needing this then.
posted by bibliowench at 8:48 AM on July 12, 2013


I cackle everytime I encounter someone who thinks his name was Gaylord, but then I ponder how things might have gone if it had been his name.
posted by detachd at 9:44 AM on July 12, 2013


Now in England they knew how these things were done. Governesses were drawn from the pool of girls of good family with no money. That the husband would fall in love with them and either ditch their wives for them or at least offer them a future as a kept woman was the dark, secret point of the thing.
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:52 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


I agree that The Maria Problem needed to be solved, and quickly.

Having played Sister Berthe in a community theater production, the sister who firmly believes that Maria is not cut out to be a nun, I maintain that the entire show revolves around proving that Berthe was absolutely correct. Next stop, Reverend Mother Berthe.

"C'mere, Maria, stick your hand in this box."
posted by blurker at 10:58 AM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]




hippybear, thanks for that link. I've never heard that song before and it is disturbingly upbeat and catchy.
posted by the fox's daughter at 12:12 PM on July 12, 2013


They also cut How Can Love Survive for the movie, so neither of Baroness Elsa's songs - arguably among the most interesting songs in the show - survived.

Great post, thanks.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 2:16 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Theres no way to stop it is awesome and the best ever anthem for self centred society run amok. Goes well with the creepy-singable tomorrow belongs to me from Cabaret.
posted by chapps at 2:51 PM on July 12, 2013


An Update on the Problem of Maria.

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Nazis.
...but then you have Nazis.
posted by MikeKD at 7:02 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Baroness's letter was priceless.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:23 PM on July 12, 2013


Maria fits neatly into the Manic Pixie Dream Girl framework, doesn't she? She is so quirky and untameable! She wears curtains! She sings songs about deer and tea!

That is an excellent point.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:41 AM on July 13, 2013


I really enjoyed these, thanks. Sending them on to my whole sound-of-music-addicted family.
posted by gerstle at 1:20 PM on July 13, 2013


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