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Sometimes it's better to just let things go extinct...
July 24, 2013 11:32 AM   Subscribe

Saskatchewan scientists are working hard to identify ways to preserve the habitat of the endangered Greater Short Horned Lizard, best known for shooting great streams of blood from its eyes when threatened.
posted by 256 (44 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Preemptive pronunciation guide: Sass-catch-a-wun.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:36 AM on July 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
posted by Catchfire at 11:39 AM on July 24, 2013


That's the most metal shit I've seen in a long time. Well, since I saw Venom at Maryland Death Fest.
posted by NoMich at 11:40 AM on July 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


I just want to know if there were ancestors to this lizard that also shot blood/bile/other bodily fluids from its eyes/nose/other orfices. Unrealistic, but I'm imagining a whole ancient and unknown ecology of animals shooting fluids at each other.
posted by mlo at 11:46 AM on July 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


WTF, evolution? This is one of the most bizarre "holy shit, he's just crazy enough to do it" defenses I've ever heard of. Presumably phase two is to start eating his own legs: "you think you're going to make a meal out of me? By the time I'm finished, there'll be nothing left for you to eat!"
posted by yoink at 11:47 AM on July 24, 2013 [15 favorites]


You think a smart coyote would just taunt the lizards into shooting blood until it passed out from blood loss. Also, the lizard would be much neater to eat, having rid itself of all that nasty blood.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:52 AM on July 24, 2013


Stupid coyote. It was going to eat all that delicious blood anyway if it managed to catch the lizard.
posted by planetesimal at 11:52 AM on July 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


C'mon. They must have scared that coyote off. He's gonna run away from a snack that's bursting with bloody goodness?
posted by orme at 11:54 AM on July 24, 2013


Wait till they identify the same structure in T-Rex fossils. The next Jurassic Park sequel will be a lot darker.
posted by benzenedream at 11:59 AM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Preemptive pronunciation guide: rhymes with "vagina."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:03 PM on July 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


It was going to eat all that delicious blood anyway...

I have heard, and it was seconded by a YT poster below, that there's gunk mixed with the blood that repels predators. The yelp the coyote gave seems to agree with that. Blood would just be a tasty hors d' oeuvres.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:04 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I just want to know if there were ancestors to this lizard that also shot blood/bile/other bodily fluids from its eyes/nose/other orfices. Unrealistic, but I'm imagining a whole ancient and unknown ecology of animals shooting fluids at each other.

See youporn.com.
posted by jaduncan at 12:04 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hey, wait. Wouldn't this trick make this thing a reverse vampire?
posted by yoink at 12:05 PM on July 24, 2013


Look, I understand that being a teen can be difficult but ain't no nobody got time for this blood-from-the-eyes nonsense. And just why are you stiring shit up on tumblr and writing those cryptic self-loathing quotes? So why don't you get yourself sorted out and for the love of Pete talk to your uncle about that job offer. They are even hiring snakes and rats for Christ's sake!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:05 PM on July 24, 2013


I lived in Tucson while I went to the University of Arizona. I remember getting a panicked phone call from a very girly, somewhat tenderhearted friend. "OMG OMG there is a spikey lizard in my living room the cats are playing with it AND IT'S SHOOTING BLOOD OUT ITS EYES!!!"

I took a deep breath and said, "Marci, that's a horned toad. They're harmless and they're protected. Shut your cats in the bedroom and I'm on my way." I hopped in the car, drove to her house and put the horned toad outside. Slowly, Marci regained her composure. It was all I could do not to dissolve in laughter.

It never occurred to me to wonder why she called me.
posted by workerant at 12:08 PM on July 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


Maybe Great Stream of Blood Lizard is taken so they went with the horn name.
posted by stbalbach at 12:15 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


She says scientists have theorized there are chemicals in the blood that “are maybe a little bit noxious when the predators taste it.”

If they were real scientists they would put their theory to the test.

The taste test.
posted by Quonab at 12:17 PM on July 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


It occurs to me that, with our advancing knowledge of genetic engineering, we could develop sheep with this ability and save millions of dollars in lost wool production!

Of course, it will make shearing season... interesting, but, hey, you can't make an omelet without cracking a few ovines.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:17 PM on July 24, 2013


My wife is fond of telling me how "Horned Frogs" (her alma mater's mascot, aka the Texas horned lizard) can do this and I see that it's apparently a shared trait of several members of that genus.
posted by kmz at 12:17 PM on July 24, 2013


Also Sass-catch-a-win.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 12:18 PM on July 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


WTF, evolution? This is one of the most bizarre "holy shit, he's just crazy enough to do it" defenses I've ever heard of.

This is like the sea cucumber's "I'mma just explode myself inside out now" move.
posted by phunniemee at 12:22 PM on July 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


I think you mean Sass-cat-chew-on
posted by RobotHero at 12:22 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


HE COMES
posted by brundlefly at 12:30 PM on July 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Maybe Great Stream of Blood Lizard is taken

I sure as heck hope not.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:32 PM on July 24, 2013


Remember that scene in Fight Club where the owner of the bar whose basement they fight in interrupts them and tries to fight Tyler Durden? He hits Tyler a bit and then Tyler just jumps on him and drips blood from all the punches on him?

This is a lot like that.
posted by dry white toast at 12:32 PM on July 24, 2013


Used to play with horned toads all the time, when growing up. Makes me sad that I haven't seen one in, oh....must be 25 years, now.

They used to be all over down here in Tx.
posted by kaseijin at 12:44 PM on July 24, 2013


I remember getting a panicked phone call from a very girly, somewhat tenderhearted friend.

I am not entirely sure that you need to be either girly or tenderhearted to freak out when a lizard or toad comes in your house and starts shooting blood out of its eyes.
posted by jeather at 12:55 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


> Sometimes it's better to just let things go extinct...

A joke, but a sad one. It's too bad for us that Icky un-charismatic mini-fauna are what make our planet's ecology go round.
posted by anthill at 12:56 PM on July 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


pew pew
Saskatchepwned
posted by Kabanos at 12:57 PM on July 24, 2013


s-SKATCH-wn
posted by Sys Rq at 1:06 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well now I have an answer the next time I get the "if you could have any superpower" question at a conference icebreaker.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 1:11 PM on July 24, 2013


Sass-kuh-mah-wayn-go. Sass. Kuh-mah-wayn-go. Sass-kuh-mah-wayn-go.

/PronunciationManual
posted by Rock Steady at 1:14 PM on July 24, 2013


Well now I have an answer the next time I get the "if you could have any superpower" question at a conference icebreaker.

Yep. The ability to dissuade a Greater Short Horned Lizard from shooting blood-venom at me would be mine too.
posted by jaduncan at 1:26 PM on July 24, 2013


The "documentary" makers so squirted cranberry juice on that coyote. In fact, is this in any way real?
posted by iotic at 1:34 PM on July 24, 2013


Another video.

And anthill, I absolutely agree. It's not a joke I would make among people I thought likely to take it seriously.
posted by 256 at 1:40 PM on July 24, 2013


Proper pronunciation is: Ģ̯͈͇̭̲͇̒̂ͣ̊̋̇͂ͮr̢̩̟̩̋̅̈́͛͂ͭ͐ͅẻ͈͉̟͎͔̳͕̉͒ͨͩͣ̓͐͑͜a̤̯̦̲̪͂ͤ̔̌t̬͚̗͖̦̳̙̫͊̒̃̋̅͡ͅe̴̫̞̻̪͒̍ͥ̚r̘̫̺̩͚̯̐̃͊̉̈͋͊̎ͅ ̡͍̩̬ͨͫ́́S̎͐ͨ҉̡̘̲̲̗͞h̛̫͙͐̄̒̾͐͢͡ő̻͊͡r̥͙̜̩͆̄͌ͤ̌͘͝ͅtͮ҉̠͙̟̲͉͎͝ ̣̼̗̫͆͜͟H̴͙̫͎̺̭̪ͩͩ͞ͅo̴̢̪͖̮͎̥̗̘̩͑͑̀̈ͪ͟r̲̙͉͎͈̙̣͐͌̂ͤn̴̴̸̖̰̝̯͓̲̤͓̿̂̿͒ͩͣe̙̦̲̞ͮ̒͆̌̂̆͐̋d̴̩̥͙̮̩̠̭́͐̑̐̚͜͡ ͖͕̤̲ͣ͗ͣ͜L̺̬͔̗̪͂ͥ́͞í̶͎͇̞̼̐͌̽̆̒ͨ̈́͜z̊̇͏̶̧̯̭̻̤͈̥͕ͅa̹̭̻̽̋̕ṟ̷̸̗͕̮̝̘͇̬̻͐ͩ̄ͤͮ̚͟d̻̳̮̦͍̼̼̓ͭ̌ͬ͗̋̚
posted by leotrotsky at 1:56 PM on July 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


It never occurred to me to wonder why she called me.
posted by workerant

Yeah I'd say you came out of that experience pretty lucky.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 2:10 PM on July 24, 2013


Samsquanchewan
posted by MrBadExample at 2:20 PM on July 24, 2013


Used to play with horned toads all the time, when growing up. Makes me sad that I haven't seen one in, oh....must be 25 years, now.

They used to be all over down here in Tx.


Me too. They were as common as common gets -- could just go out into the back yard and find one to play with and happily spend the afternoon fussing with it. Then the fire ants moved in, and now there are no more horny toads. :(
posted by mudpuppie at 3:05 PM on July 24, 2013


Preemptive pronunciation guide: rhymes with "vagina."

It's funny 'cause it's true.
posted by fatbird at 5:52 PM on July 24, 2013


It's too bad for us that Icky un-charismatic mini-fauna are what make our planet's ecology go round.
posted by anthill at 12:56 PM on July 24

Eponyst…nevermind.
posted by Lexica at 8:20 PM on July 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Would you be dissuaded by a cheesecake that squirted frosting at you?
posted by cacofonie at 8:46 PM on July 24, 2013


God yes, I'd be dissuaded. Who frosts a cheesecake?

Now if it arced a raspberry coulis into my mouth, it's not terror I'd feel...
posted by fatbird at 9:31 PM on July 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I remember these lil' guys from my childhood wildlife obsession, but wtf, they live in Canada?
posted by threeants at 9:44 PM on August 13, 2013


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