Pico Horror: terror in two sentences
July 26, 2013 2:50 PM   Subscribe


 
I'm still shuddering about the monster under the bed. Scary as hell.
posted by ChrisR at 3:06 PM on July 26, 2013 [26 favorites]


A lot of these are really well done, although most rely on gotcha twists -- probably forced by the extremely short form. After you're done reading this comment you will die.
posted by boo_radley at 3:06 PM on July 26, 2013 [31 favorites]


At the sight of the thing, his skin began to crawl. He turned away, but too late; away the skin crawled towards its new master.
posted by kewb at 3:07 PM on July 26, 2013 [37 favorites]


I ask her her name. She tells me mine.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:08 PM on July 26, 2013 [18 favorites]


For sale: baby head, never worn
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:10 PM on July 26, 2013 [103 favorites]


The funny ones are also quite good.

Pet shelters close. Beef strangely cheaper.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:11 PM on July 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


That monster on the bed one is a variant of this classic piece of creepypasta (which I learned about from Kingdom of Loathing):

Little Eleanor was playing upstairs in her room when she heard her mother call her from the kitchen: "Ellie, come down here please!"

Ellie ran downstairs, but as she passed the cupboard under the stairs, an arm reached out and pulled her inside.

It was her mother. "Don't go in the kitchen," she said, "I heard it, too."
posted by painquale at 3:11 PM on July 26, 2013 [113 favorites]


Ow ow ow ow ow. Stop fucking stabbing me!
posted by GallonOfAlan at 3:11 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


I work day after day for a month researching a post for Metafilter. One month later, no comments and no favorites.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:13 PM on July 26, 2013 [42 favorites]


It was a dupe. Someone posted the same topic two hours before you did.
posted by localroger at 3:14 PM on July 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


I knew then that my entire life up unto this point had been a carefully constructed, massively engineered test, and that I had failed. All of the Earths would die within the hour.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 3:16 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Microfiction isn't my medium, but I recall that in context, this seemed memorably horrifying to me:

"Upon Father Micarelli's recommendation, the parents were not notified," a report states.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:16 PM on July 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


"Happy birthday, Daddy!" she says smiling as she hands the cake to me. "Who are you?" I mutter through thick lips, eyes locked on the mouldering cakes in the corner.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:16 PM on July 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


Not only is there but one soul, circulating timelessly through the lives of every being that ever lived, but it it also true that there is no cessation of consciousness after death. For example, every individual shelled creature compressed into every cubic millimeter of limestone on earth is both you and me, trapped in numberless billions of cycles of deathless death.
posted by aesop at 3:18 PM on July 26, 2013 [14 favorites]


They say parents aren't supposed to bury their children, but I had gotten used to it long ago. This one wasn't even mine, technically.
posted by laconic skeuomorph at 3:19 PM on July 26, 2013 [57 favorites]


We have now activated the energy machine which has created an instantaneous link between our power generating reactor and the center of the Sun. Unfortunately, the readings indicate that it has also caused the Sun to go nova.
posted by localroger at 3:20 PM on July 26, 2013


You've been volunteered to take your preteen daughter and her friends to the mall.

There you go, I didn't even need a second sentence.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 3:21 PM on July 26, 2013 [46 favorites]


I used to wonder what was making that scratching sound under the floorboards, so I crowbarred a few planks up and looked. Whatever that thing was that was making the noise originally, it's definitely me now.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:23 PM on July 26, 2013 [15 favorites]


Dr. Morris, the famous xenobiologist, waited alone in the secure bunker laboratory for the phone call that would notify her the CDC had received her antidote to the deadly alien toxin the invaders had, deliberately or inadvertently, brought with them. After endless hours the phone shrilled, but even as she reached for it, stopped mid-ring; it never rang again.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:24 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Perhaps a tad romantic:

I stood at the edge gazing far downward, remembering and regretting. Then suddenly she was beside me clutching and pulling at my arm and together we took a slow, tumbling flight into the darkness...
posted by jim in austin at 3:25 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


"It's your turn to pick the movie," I said.
"Great," she smiled, "I want to see the latest Kevin James movie."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:27 PM on July 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


You smiled down at the baby in its pink-swaddled buggy. It smiled back, knowingly, toothlessly, and gave a slow, familiar wink.
posted by LucretiusJones at 3:27 PM on July 26, 2013 [13 favorites]


There was a pile of new orders for bumper stickers awaiting me at my print shop. The first one I opened read, "Nader for President 2016".
posted by pyramid termite at 3:29 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


I lost him in the haze. It was a scream and then silence.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:30 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


The monster under the bed one is great, though it could use a couple of commas.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:31 PM on July 26, 2013


A children's garden of Night Vale openers here.
posted by The Whelk at 3:32 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


"I'll let you live," he said, "dependent on the success of your next FPP". With sweaty hands I typed the post and pasted the link, to my own blog, about declawing cats in Palestine.
posted by HuronBob at 3:33 PM on July 26, 2013 [39 favorites]


All the instrumentation on the escape pod had been knocked out by the explosion on the submarine. With an uncertain supply of oxygen remaining, the only way to tell if she had successfully surfaced was to open the hatch.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:33 PM on July 26, 2013 [15 favorites]


Avalon, Susie and Mary Beth had been waiting for their first day at their new school all summer long and now that it was finally here, they knew it would be a year they would never forget.

"Good morning, boys and girls and welcome to Violent Acrez Middle School," said their smiling teacher, Mr. Brutsch.
posted by guiseroom at 3:33 PM on July 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


The paramedics pronounced the victim dead as soon as they arrived on the scene. If they're right, then who is thinking this?
posted by painquale at 3:34 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


"This is your new home--you might not think you'd fit in there, but we'll force it."

He picked up the bolt cutters and thought about it.
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:34 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Jim hunted in the tall grass for an hour, but never did find the boomerang.

Three days later, there was a funny-sounding knock on the door.
posted by oulipian at 3:35 PM on July 26, 2013 [30 favorites]


The problem with asking Reddit this is that horror writing, more than most kinds of writing, requires a real attention to detail if you want to sucker somebody into feeling frightened.

Some good ideas here, but actually reading these is like having somebody puke out a meal he really liked from last night directly into my mouth.
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:36 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


. . . There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building. . . .
And when they finally pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning, WRECK, it looked like. . . THIS!!!!
posted by isopraxis at 3:36 PM on July 26, 2013 [14 favorites]


Where's the other cup? asked the first girl.

What other cup? asked the second.
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:38 PM on July 26, 2013 [31 favorites]


"This is the best birthday ever," you say smiling up to your Daddy.
"Good work, Doctor," he says, "It looks just like me."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:38 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


The newest computers were faster than ever, with battery life for days and unprecedented utility. It's just that they asked for a little blood, just the tiniest drop ("you won't even miss it!") from time to time.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:39 PM on July 26, 2013 [14 favorites]


I've read about the Capgras delusion before: people with brain-damage become convinced that their wife has been replaced with an imposter. The terrible difference here is that I'm sure of it.
posted by painquale at 3:41 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


Rory Marinich: "The problem with asking Reddit this is that horror writing, more than most kinds of writing, requires a real attention to detail if you want to sucker somebody into feeling frightened.

Some good ideas here, but actually reading these is like having somebody puke out a meal he really liked from last night directly into my mouth.
"

I admire your commitment to form.
posted by boo_radley at 3:41 PM on July 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


"Do your three wishes are here," the Genie said, "a desert island's worth of solitude, endless tropical fruit for the picking, and a single novel to keep you company for the long years."
He handed me The DaVinci Code.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Did you know geese mate for life? Anyway I am a terrifying ghost.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [71 favorites]


I was surprised when I died but I was even more surprised when I woke up the next morning, scraped off the dried blood and went to work. I just hope my coworkers don't notice the stench.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Goddamn it I was in the middle of writing a Dan Brown one.
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:44 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Time enough at last to read all the Internets!" he exclaimed joyously, moments before the reflection of the computer screen's navy-blue background lit his face and turned it a ghastly pale color.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:44 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I threw my ticket in the gutter, "I just want Superman to punch something!"
One minute later, the executive purred, "You got the job, Mr. Snyder."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:47 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


From Chuck Wachtel:

A Horror Story Written For The Cover Of A Matchbook

In the dark Naomi
mistook a shard of
broken light bulb
for her contact lens.
posted by The Bellman at 3:49 PM on July 26, 2013 [20 favorites]


Jack had tried to stop smoking many times over the past four years, but he was always unsuccessful. The thing kept stoking the fire.
posted by painquale at 3:50 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


He finally realized that he should have been backing up his data when the grinding noises started and the S.M.A.R.T. check failed. When he heard the faint screaming and saw the clear liquid oozing from the seams of his Seagate, he was doubly sure.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 3:51 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Wide eager eyes, a big bright smile, and a tight black belt with a shiny silver buckle: my younger brother looked like he was just about ready to make a solid first impression.

On second thought, I removed the belt – it was getting loose around the throat as it was.
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:51 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


If you want a real master of the form, of course, there's Fredic Brown's short story Knock:

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door...
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:53 PM on July 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


I was taught to always mind my mother and do as she said, doubly so now that she's dead.
posted by The Whelk at 3:53 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


My daughter stands in front of my bedroom door where my wife lies sleeping, and inside I can hear her thrashing. "Don't worry, Daddy. They're not mad at YOU."
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:54 PM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


Actually Night Vale still has the best one of these

If you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.
posted by The Whelk at 3:56 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


As the time-tunnelling machine wound down with the piercing shriek of nails on a chalkboard, Ray marvelled at his luck - he'd finally escaped the time loop! As the time-tunnelling machine wound down with the piercing shriek of nails on a chalkboard, Ray marvelled at his luck - he'd finally escaped the time loop!
posted by oulipian at 3:59 PM on July 26, 2013 [27 favorites]


How can you tell it's going to be a lousy End of the World? The stars align, you successfully invoke Cthulhu, and the first thing It does is fleeing underwater screaming "They come, they come!" while all the stars shut down.
posted by Iosephus at 4:03 PM on July 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


ROLLBACK TRANSACTION.

ERROR: The ROLLBACK TRANSACTION request has no corresponding BEGIN TRANSACTION.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 4:04 PM on July 26, 2013 [58 favorites]


We finally got to the quarantine zone when people started to cough.
posted by The Whelk at 4:04 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Pruitt-Igoe: "ROLLBACK TRANSACTION.

ERROR: The ROLLBACK TRANSACTION request has no corresponding BEGIN TRANSACTION.
"

FUCKkkkkk.
posted by boo_radley at 4:05 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


I thought if I could just get the wire in a little deeper in my ear I could stop that terrible whispering. But it doesn't stop, and the squish of the wire sends sparks of pain that blur my vision.
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:06 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


As we began digging into our meal at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, we congratulated ourselves for having escaped the wrath of Zarquon.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:06 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I like to eat slowly, savor my meals. So I'd only just begun to probe my dinner when I felt something large, soft, and moist lap the back of my head.
posted by Rory Marinich at 4:08 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Whatever it is, it takes control of my hand at the worst times. I don't use Q-tips any more.
posted by painquale at 4:09 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


For something to be scary you have to actually know what's going on, at least a little.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 4:10 PM on July 26, 2013


In the dark, I wept piteously and whispered, "I hate being alone."

"So do I," something responded, mournfully.
posted by Kitteh at 4:14 PM on July 26, 2013 [14 favorites]


He'd spent all night and most of the day updating the report before clicking send on the email it was attached to. Happy he'd finally gotten the job done and ready to enjoy what little remained of his weekend, he closed Microsoft Word. "Do you want to save the changes to Final Report.doc?"
posted by dobie at 4:14 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


At the meeting, your boss regretfully informs you that you will have to repeat the eighth grade due to an "embarrassing paperwork error" in your credentials. You are thirty-eight.
posted by LucretiusJones at 4:16 PM on July 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


Having favourite children is distasteful, gauche. Particularly confusing when cannibalism is involved.
posted by eurasian at 4:19 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


In the dark Naomi mistook a shard of broken light bulb for her contact lens. Then she put it in her eye and screamed in pain, and there was a lot of blood, GROSS!
posted by anazgnos at 4:20 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Gregor Samsa awoke from disturbing dreams to find that he'd been changed into a horrid cockroach.
Plus, a killer clown was stalking him from the sewer.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:20 PM on July 26, 2013 [16 favorites]


"Why didn't you drop Brian off at Day Care this morning," his wife asked.

Outside, a crowd gathered around his car.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:21 PM on July 26, 2013 [89 favorites]


The email from Cortex just made the account disabling all the more troubling. The flags were coming from inside the house.
posted by Knappster at 4:21 PM on July 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


Hahaha, I liked this one:

Boo! Ah!
posted by malapropist at 4:27 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


A new email just appeared in my inbox. GOOD JOB WE JUST HAVE A FEW NOTES it reads.
posted by The Whelk at 4:28 PM on July 26, 2013 [17 favorites]


I am turning into something else, he thought as another bird thumped to the ground at his feet--something cold and hungry. He moved silently toward the school, toward the children.
posted by Kafkaesque at 4:28 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


My hands shook as I stared in disbelief at the Google Street View screen, dumbfounded at the sight of my exact doppelganger photographed on a street corner in Guadalajara, a city I'd never been to. It slowly turned its head and stared back.
posted by oulipian at 4:29 PM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


The world ended and those...those abominations came and tore everyone I loved limb from limb and burned their bodies and took the ashes and from the ashes they made ink and with the ink they wrote out all the thousand ways they would butcher me, and I despaired and I knew the only victory I could yet have was to just deny them the pleasure and blow my own brains out, which I did. Here, feel my brains (Put their hands in a bowl of spaghetti)!!!!
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:30 PM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


oh God Joey Michaels just walked away with the thread
posted by Countess Elena at 4:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


All of them were scared and hurt. I had a great time.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


"It's my first time," she said.
"Mine, too", he said, feeling her hot pulse against his teeth.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 4:34 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


oh God Joey Michaels just walked away with the thread

Agreed, with the caveat that I can only really picture "Brian" as a web developer in his early forties.
posted by oliverburkeman at 4:36 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


What had been a dull gathering instantly became a raucous celebration, seemingly without warning. It became clear immediately that, in this universe, a party does not begin until the arrival of Ke$ha.
posted by dr_dank at 4:37 PM on July 26, 2013


John Darnielle apparently introduced Ezekiel 7 and the Permanent Efficacy of Grace in concert by saying "Sometimes there's that time, when it's just you and a car, and the open road, and a guy who's only going to be around a couple more hours. This is one of those times."
posted by KathrynT at 4:37 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Looks like rain. But it isn't.
posted by swift at 4:40 PM on July 26, 2013 [22 favorites]


He lived a life of duty. His death was unnoted.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:41 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


"But... I thought when you bought a box of chicken breasts, they were all from different chickens," said Dave, his brain not quite able to make sense of what he was seeing. "Ah!" laughed the chicken-centipede farmer, "that's a common misconception."
posted by oulipian at 4:46 PM on July 26, 2013 [15 favorites]


My son's shadow crossed the threshold of my door.
"MOAR CHICKIPEDE, DADDA."
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 4:49 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


We've been down this trail so many times. It'll be hard for me to walk back alone.
posted by Max Power at 4:50 PM on July 26, 2013 [9 favorites]


Joey michaels? Brian is dead in the car?
posted by sweetkid at 4:50 PM on July 26, 2013


You find yourself reading reddit. You like it.
posted by cosmic.osmo at 4:53 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


It had taken twenty minutes of excruciating digging before I'd managed to find the parasite. I dug into its soft white flesh with the tip of the screwdriver and pulled and pulled through the sickening pain, its long sinewy body warm and glistening as it came out, almost a picture-perfect copy of a small intestine.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:55 PM on July 26, 2013 [25 favorites]


The two year old would eat nothing else. Couscous cleanup would once again consume this father's evening.
posted by Big_B at 4:56 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Annabel hugged the old tabby tightly to her face, comforted by the warmth of her old friend, the low, rumbling purr, and the rise and fall of his chest. She closed her eyes and finally slipped off to sleep just as the first of the spiders spilled from the corners of the old tabby's mouth.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:58 PM on July 26, 2013 [10 favorites]


Abruptly, he stopped chewing. There was something very strange about the mayonnaise.
posted by horsewithnoname at 4:59 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


The President-elect stood, hand on the bible, as the Chief Justice administered the oath. "Please repeat after me: I, Sarah Palin..."
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:00 PM on July 26, 2013 [13 favorites]


"I love you, Rex!" Meg shrieked excitedly.
"We must never speak of this again, child." her dog said.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:01 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


You know that video where you count the times they throw the ball but don't notice the man dressed as an ape? It's funny how much that sort of thing happens in real life, like how while you were reading this I got from the door to standing right behind you.
posted by permafrost at 5:07 PM on July 26, 2013 [24 favorites]


You wake suddenly, with a jerk, as if falling. You fall forever, violently, but never reach the ground.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:08 PM on July 26, 2013


You wake suddenly, with a jerk.
posted by unSane at 5:11 PM on July 26, 2013 [33 favorites]


Medical science developed methods to keep a man alive forever.


The man was Dick Cheney.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:12 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:13 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


Joey michaels? Brian is dead in the car?

The father will have to go and check. Hopefully, the elevator is working.
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:13 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


You wake suddenly, with a jerk. He notices you and lasciviously purrs, "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:13 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


"We'd love to meet your new best friend - anytime, son!" My parents said with a wink on their way up the stairs.

But there he was, staring down from the landing with that angry/sad look again.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:14 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


The dental records and fingerprints were a perfect match for the missing toddler. So why were they found on the body of an eighty-year-old man?
posted by painquale at 5:18 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


How can people just keep posting comments Brian is missing we must find him. Come on elevator!!! ( presses button frantically)
posted by sweetkid at 5:19 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


The surgeon's gloved hands were wrapped around the tumor to gently extract it when an eye opened and looked at him. He felt something shift somewhere deep inside of himself, and heard the softly spoken word forget before his attention shifted to thinking about improving his golf stroke.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:23 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


The two of them heaved together to remove the pegboard from the wall in the basement workshop of their new home, to figure out what the noises behind it were -- maybe crickets?

There was a 10-inch diameter hole in the foundation wall, and it was full of hungry spiders.




ACTUAL THING THAT HAPPENED IN MY ACTUAL HOUSE except we found the hole when water started spewing forth from it through the holes in the pegboard, complete with drowning bugs, it was super great.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:24 PM on July 26, 2013 [13 favorites]


I checked the NYT site, just to confirm: North Carolina had passed the legislation, despite the protests. I looked again at my datebook, and counted it out for the tenth time that day... my period was two weeks late.
posted by jokeefe at 5:25 PM on July 26, 2013 [27 favorites]


He kept his commemorative spoons in the waiting room. Still, the police never suspected the optometrist.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:25 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


He felt the animal crush under his foot. At the same moment an enormous foot began to crush him.
posted by unSane at 5:27 PM on July 26, 2013


"Why didn't you drop Brian off at Day Care this morning," his wife asked.

Outside, a crowd gathered around his car.


Oh, fucking hell.
posted by jokeefe at 5:29 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ah, youth - the halcyon time when spring and summer never end, the sky is always clearest blue, and the world spreads out before you like an enormous picnic blanket loaded down with sandwiches and soda.

Even the ants are out enjoying the day and disappearing under the glass my daughter holds, bent to the sun, ticking them off one by one as they sizzle under the magnification, her gaze never leaving mine.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Even in the dark, alone, she could feel eyes on her. It was the last time she'd fall asleep while sorting parts, that was for certain.
posted by jenlovesponies at 5:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


He kept his commemorative spoons in the waiting room. Still, the police never suspected the optometrist.

I see what you did there.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:32 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Dale loved his new Thunderbird: incredible power, no sound from the road, and so, so roomy. "The trunk even more so," he thought as he flicked the hitchhiker's spent cigarette out the window.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:35 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


He wanted to finish his deck before nightfall, but his 2x4 supply was dwindling. It was then that he noticed his children were planking on a nearby Hitachi stereo.



Go get me some wood from Home Depot immediately, he screamed. But Dad, we're not done listening to Gangnam Style, they replied.
posted by cloeburner at 5:42 PM on July 26, 2013


The room is full of milkmen. Some of whom are very old.
posted by Zagabog at 5:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


SPYING SPIDERS SPIDERED SPIDERY SPIDERLEGS TOWARDS YOU.

SPIDERS!!!
posted by JHarris at 5:48 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


My wife always used to say that spiders in your house were good omens - they always eat the worse bugs, she had said.

The one in my room was 10 feet tall.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:50 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


My wife said don't worry - the black carpet beetle larvae are a blessing; they will eat the bedbugs. She was wrong.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:54 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've been told that parents don't actually have that much impact on the moral development of their children--that whatever he did, wasn't our fault. That was not much solace when I realized our guns were missing while the news reported a shooting at his school.
posted by empath at 6:04 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have a habit of checking behind the shower curtain.

You'd be surprised how many homeowners hide there.
posted by xingcat at 6:05 PM on July 26, 2013 [119 favorites]


I have a habit of checking behind the shower curtain.

You'd be surprised how many homeowners hide there.
posted by xingcat at 6:05 PM


I fucking jumped. AWESOME. Game ON, sir!
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:06 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


He thought, well, sure they have all that stuff, but at least they don't have audio and video of every drunken karaoke performance I've ever done in my lifetime.

On Monday morning, the newspaper revealed details of another secret NSA program.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:08 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Yeah, someone needs to explain that Brian one from Joey Michaels.
posted by dhens at 6:20 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


He could not understand why the deer were surrounding him late at night in the woods. Then one of them raised a flashlight ...
posted by pyramid termite at 6:20 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


The funny thing about depression is that there are no axe wielding fiends grinning in the hall closet, no ghosts under the stairs, no spider hordes climbing up the drains and no Men in Black at the door. You know this, and know they won't be there tomorrow either, but you will hide.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:22 PM on July 26, 2013 [20 favorites]


brian's dead in the car, guys.
posted by elizardbits at 6:25 PM on July 26, 2013 [14 favorites]


Another damned weekday, sun beating down, and you're stuck two cars from the front of the intersection, waiting for the signal. The heavy stream of cross traffic never relents as you watch your light flicker once then continue steadily glowing red.
posted by ardgedee at 6:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


brian's dead in the car, guys.

Then who did I just get off the phone with?
posted by DaDaDaDave at 6:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [20 favorites]


Some good ideas here, but actually reading these is like having somebody puke out a meal he really liked from last night directly into my mouth.

When he was done puking in my mouth, he smiled. "I think the fava beans and chianti really made that meal, don't you?"
posted by pyramid termite at 6:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


"Why didn't you drop Brian off at Day Care this morning," his wife asked.
Outside, a crowd gathered around his car.


brian's dead in the car, guys.

Nope. Just needed two more sentences:

"Dearie, today I won the lottery and was bitten (well, poked at) by a radioactive seagull, giving me the power of flight, so I dropped Brian off at Disneyland with our new housekeeper, reanimated Fred Rogers, and now my newfound adoring fans are here to shower praise on me." His wife knew something was terribly wrong because her husband had always been a Sesame Street man.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:33 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


brian's dead in the car, guys.

and he's DRIVING!
posted by pyramid termite at 6:34 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


"Till Death Do Us Part", we both said at the altar.

But it's still my house, love.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:37 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Cheating, because it's actually only one sentence and it's an excerpt from a longer story ('Autumnal,' which is still incredibly short), but Thomas Ligotti is wonderful at evoking dread in very few words:

We witness the scene and, with what remains of our mouths, we smile.
posted by byanyothername at 6:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


"Being surrounded by death makes people do terrible things--remember that jar of gold teeth great uncle Todd brought back from the war?"

It took her a while to say, "Uncle Todd was never in the army."
posted by LucretiusJones at 6:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [28 favorites]


I like it when Metafilter does the work of telling me when its worth visiting something on Reddit.
posted by braksandwich at 6:44 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


When Cthulhu returned and brushed aside the great works of man with one swipe from his mighty claw, we knew it was the end. But the worst thing about it was that he had kind eyes, and he sadly told me himself there could be no other way.
posted by JHarris at 6:45 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


"Well, that's it," said Matt, brightly. "It's all Yahoo's problem now."
posted by zompist at 6:55 PM on July 26, 2013 [65 favorites]


When the new antidepressant kicked in as suddenly as a punch, he frantically threw down the bloody knife and tried to grip closed the spurting wound in his son's neck with trembling hands. The pamphlet did say "May cause muscle weakness".
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:59 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


dhens: “Yeah, someone needs to explain that Brian one from Joey Michaels.”
Fatal Distraction (Previously)
posted by ob1quixote at 6:59 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


"Being surrounded by death makes people do terrible things--remember that jar of gold teeth great uncle Todd brought back from the war?"

It took her a while to say, "Uncle Todd was never in the army."


Something very like this actually happened in my dad's family. The war was the Civil War, and instead of teeth, it was severed ears that Uncle Harrison nailed to his saddle.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:08 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


The only thing worse than being haunted by ghosts is being haunted by no ghosts.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:12 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


My favorite one of these, from Weird Twitter:

You don't know what the "it" in "it's snowing" is... but it knows you.
posted by Rhaomi at 7:14 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


I cannot recognize faces. One time, when I was seventeen, I cut myself shaving and almost killed my brother.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:19 PM on July 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


Dad: Wow there are a lot of tiger lilies this year!
Daughter: Ya, who knew the apocalypse would be so pretty!




Real conversation that ended in hysterical laughter
posted by mrgroweler at 7:25 PM on July 26, 2013


Dr. Peter Burns administered the anaesthesia with a firm grip, and his mind wandered. Next year, thought Neil, I'll be Detective Harold Prentice.
posted by clockzero at 7:25 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


There aren't any monsters in this basement! Hey, why did the light just go out
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:29 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Justin Bieber?"

Outside, a crowd gathered around the car.
posted by jeremias at 7:29 PM on July 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


They captured me, they cut out my tongue, they keep me in a cage, and they hurt me for fun. Finally, I have grown to love them.
posted by painquale at 7:32 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


Another damned weekday, sun beating down, and you're stuck [insert] in the left-hand turn lane[/insert] two cars from the front of the intersection, waiting for the signal. The heavy stream of cross traffic never relents as you watch your light flicker once then continue steadily glowing red.

The lead driver is too timid to enter the intersection on green unless absolutely positively sure he/she can complete the turn before the light turns red, so you watch the light cycle green-yellow-red repeatedly until the autumn leaves start gathering on the windshield.
posted by she's not there at 7:38 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


We finally got to the quarantine zone when people started to cough

Or, how about this:

It had taken forever to get through the quarantine. Now that they were safe, Will let out the cough he'd been holding in for hours.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


Generally, the purpose of lips is to keep the soul from escaping through the mouth. But we're not sure why you have lips.

(From a weird dream I had)
posted by moonmilk at 7:45 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Look around your room for the place it would be scariest to see a grinning human head. In this story, there's a grinning human head there!
posted by painquale at 7:47 PM on July 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


moonmilk totally unrelated to this thread BUT i had a dream where samson was a prophet of the lord

he was very wise although somewhat preoccupied with pork chops
posted by elizardbits at 7:51 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


It was an international crisis of potentially apocalyptic proportions. "We must notify President Cheney!" someone said.
posted by 4ster at 7:52 PM on July 26, 2013


What I love most about kids is how inquisitive they are. The little tykes can't go five minutes without asking some adorable question like "Where are we going?" or "Are you sure my parents said this is okay?" or "What are all those machines for?" or "Why won't you just let me die?"
posted by DaDaDaDave at 8:03 PM on July 26, 2013 [15 favorites]


OK, that's it, we're done here.
posted by wallabear at 8:11 PM on July 26, 2013


Not only are Transformers real, Biff realized with growing anxiety, but our car is one of them - and it transforms into an obnoxoious bro-bot with a megaphone for a mouth who repeats the same terrible jokes over and over while blaring Metallica at all times, dispensing free beer from refrigerators built into its ankles!

Outside, a crowd gathered around the car.
posted by oulipian at 8:15 PM on July 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


Where did that spider go?
posted by Windigo at 8:23 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


The funny thing about depression is that there are no axe wielding fiends grinning in the hall closet, no ghosts under the stairs, no spider hordes climbing up the drains and no Men in Black at the door. You know this, and know they won't be there tomorrow either, but you will hide.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow


Eponyscarical?
posted by wallabear at 8:24 PM on July 26, 2013


Clowns. Clowns.
posted by cacofonie at 8:29 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


Is it just me or do a lot of the ones on Reddit boil down to, essentially, "you are being watched without your knowledge or consent

...STEVE?"

okay i know the odds are small but I must have hit at least one Steve with that
posted by Merzbau at 8:33 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


When grandpa gave me the B.B. gun he said, "Never aim at anything you aren't going to shoot, never shoot anything you aren't going to kill, and never kill anything you aren't going to eat." That escalated quickly.
posted by LucretiusJones at 8:43 PM on July 26, 2013 [19 favorites]


"The good news," the doctor told me, "is that your medical problem is entirely curable given modern advancements in medical knowledge and technology. The bad news, however, is that your credit card was declined."
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 9:10 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


The headlights approaching in my rear view just switched off.
posted by invitapriore at 9:18 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


DaDaDaDave: "
Then who did I just get off the phone with?
"

ITYM "THEN WHO WAS PHONE?"
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 9:19 PM on July 26, 2013


Richard wiped the rest of the lather from his face and winked at his reflection. His reflection winked back and picked up the straight razor.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:20 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


And then, like, it totally, like, dawned on me. Ever since the accident, my vocab had, like, changed forever.
posted by ODiV at 9:24 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


DaDaDaDave: "Then who did I just get off the phone with?"

ITYM "THEN WHO WAS PHONE?"


Actually now rereading that comment I picture me and Brian and the phone rolling around, whispering, teasing, me and Brian caressing the phone's rock-hard plastic casing until finally the phone shudders and cries out and electromagnetic radiation floods the air. Me and Brian and the phone, good times.
posted by DaDaDaDave at 9:30 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


David's mom and dad had told him many, many times that he was not to put his hand in the drain when the disposal was running. But they hadn't said anything about Louisa's.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:31 PM on July 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


zompist: ""Well, that's it," said Matt, brightly. "It's all Yahoo's problem now.""

Bite me.

shakes his head sadly at being beaten while cooking dinner for handicapped neighbor ladies...

Mine was going to be....

I logged on to Metafilter. The sidebar mentioned completion of the sale to Yahoo!.
posted by Samizdata at 9:38 PM on July 26, 2013


Genius!...but if it's upthread, derivative?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:42 PM on July 26, 2013


I think it's probably significant that the most favorited one on Metafilter is a parent's nightmare, while the top one on Reddit is a kid's nightmare.

If there were one for the AV Club it would be something like: "Leaving the Manic Pixie Hipster Chick in the living room with his record albums, Eric was halfway to the john when he caught a glimpse the LPs he'd hidden behind the toilet. Sonic Youth?? -- but that would mean his complete Billy Joel collection must still be ...."
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 9:48 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow: "Genius!...but if it's upthread, derivative?"

I just had to get it out.

Get it out like the parts I get out of my neighbors.
posted by Samizdata at 9:49 PM on July 26, 2013


I opened the page. There was a MeTa about me.
posted by The Whelk at 9:50 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


It's not a tumor. It's alive.
posted by ODiV at 9:54 PM on July 26, 2013


It's not a life. It's a tumor.
posted by The Whelk at 9:56 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


"I just want to take a look," he said, fingers lingering, stroking my flank. "After I'm done, I'll put everything right back where it belongs."
posted by zennish at 9:56 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Derivative, now:

"No, Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea. The cancer is having /you/ removed."
posted by LucretiusJones at 9:57 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


My friend Bill is really into leather jackets. He's especially fond of this one number with an etching of a lotus in the lower back and a Celtic knot around the left arm.
posted by Cash4Lead at 10:03 PM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


"That's weird," I said, "this beer tastes like water."

"Not just that beer," he replied, "but all beer."
posted by ODiV at 10:08 PM on July 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


When I was young, my father told me: men are born with two shadows - one that follows, one that leads - and while men sleep, their shadows fight and nightmares feed.

But should a shadow fatally fall, forever severed, then, my father said to me, a man will lose his mind, and with a nicking of his knife, he showed me how it’s done.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:13 PM on July 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


You take a deep breath. Unfortunately it's water again.
posted by ODiV at 10:22 PM on July 26, 2013 [13 favorites]


"This is not," he said, panting, leaning over the bathtub, "as easy as scarabic made it sound."
posted by zennish at 10:23 PM on July 26, 2013 [53 favorites]


"Tell me about it," came the reply.
posted by ODiV at 10:25 PM on July 26, 2013 [33 favorites]


yesssss perfect
posted by zennish at 10:26 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


The hobo spider was hiding in my CPAP mask when I put it on. True story.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:34 PM on July 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


Receivers witnessed Voyager I cross into extra-solar space. The change in signal was seamless, they would go without the urge to leave their bottled world.
posted by Slackermagee at 10:36 PM on July 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


The bad news is that the anesthesiologist has the night off. The good news is that we have some Andrew Dice Clay tapes to keep your mind off the surgery.
posted by ODiV at 10:39 PM on July 26, 2013


He presses the end of a rope into your hands. You notice a noose around his neck as he leaps off the ledge.
posted by ODiV at 10:48 PM on July 26, 2013


Yeah, okay, real life awful horror story that is on my mind since I am moving houses again: the last time I moved, when I was taking some clothes out of the recesses of my closet, a brown recluse crawled out of one of my sweaters, which prompted me to thoroughly check every other piece of clothing I had, inside and out, for other ones. Let's just say that turned out to be a very good idea.
posted by invitapriore at 10:48 PM on July 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


"I heard the eggsacs of the brown recluse spider require, for all the thousands of eggs to hatch properly, a warm, damp, dark environment. I guess it'd be like the inside of a lung, really."
posted by LucretiusJones at 10:53 PM on July 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


The cool thing about necrosis is, you get to call yourself a zombie. But unless you've got a piercing, two holes in your nose is enough.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:53 PM on July 26, 2013


LucretiousJones, at about the same moment you posted that comment, I was posting almost the exact same thing on MetaFilter Chat. Except, eyes.
posted by LionIndex at 10:58 PM on July 26, 2013


Some families have in-jokes. I suppose mine does too but we also have an in-joke-ghost-story distilled to just five words: "the thing with mommy's voice" which gets repeated often.

Niece was over at my house to watch the sort of scary movies she's not allowed to watch at home. In between flicks, I told her:

One late night, you'll be listening to music in your room. Your mom yells from downstairs: "Turn that off and come to the kitchen right now!" You turn it off, walk towards the kitchen but stop when you hear, in the master bedroom, the distinctive sound of your mother snoring.
posted by honestcoyote at 10:59 PM on July 26, 2013


CPAP stands for Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. Also, Choking down Pesky Arachnid Perpetrators.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:01 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


If I don't shut up and come to bed soon, my wife is going to kill me again.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:07 PM on July 26, 2013


Honest coyote, I've seen that in creepythreads as

'Your moms voice calls to you from the kitchen. On your way in, an arm grabs you and pulls you into the closet, and your mother whispers to you "I heard it too."'
posted by Ghidorah at 11:18 PM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


I couldn't quite come up with a wording I liked, but I did have a dream once where I answered an insistently ringing telephone and it was me on the line, pleading for help, and unable to hear the me who answered the phone. It was terrifying.
posted by neuromodulator at 11:42 PM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


We knew it was all over when the equatorial lakes started to boil. But the transmissions from mission control continued until the highest peaks finally reached the melting point of aluminum.
posted by Mitrovarr at 12:00 AM on July 27, 2013




Someone saw a strange amount of moisture on her lips, and it was also seen upon her arms and on her hips. No one knows exactly who she was or how she died, but when they opened up her purse, they found a snail inside.

-The Residents
posted by painquale at 12:44 AM on July 27, 2013


"I don't believe we've met before," she said, while banging down the door.
posted by litleozy at 2:54 AM on July 27, 2013


I couldn't quite come up with a wording I liked, but I did have a dream once where I answered an insistently ringing telephone and it was me on the line, pleading for help, and unable to hear the me who answered the phone. It was terrifying.

I dreamed that I was losing my memories, my personality, my very sense of self; I shouted out in rebellion, asserting my identity.

I listened to what was being shouted, and I realized it was not me being described, and it was not me who was shouting.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 3:51 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


For sale: never used baby shoes. Size 18EE.
posted by ardgedee at 4:35 AM on July 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


I walked to school today, they say,
I walked and walked and walked.
Then came the van with the candy man,
I walked to school today, they say.
posted by ryoshu at 4:51 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


-Hey mum.
-Who are you?

Fuck Alzheimer's.

posted by ersatz at 5:16 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Damn, but I'm bad at golf: two shots in the water, four in the sand, seven in the rough, and one in Pete's eye socket. But you gotta play it where it lies.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:54 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Oooh, I love the walk-in closets," she cooed.

"Funny story," replied the realtor, "the last owners thought they were walk-in-and-out closets."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:12 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


With escalating panic I cut apart my fingers, my hand, my arm. It burrows to the core, and I gouge deeper.
posted by dgaicun at 6:16 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


From Hair to Eternity, The Cutting Edge, One Stop Locks, Hairitage, The Clip Joint, ... sheesh. This food truck trend has gotten out of hand.
posted by ardgedee at 6:35 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


I smiled, for what had I to fear; the old even-toed ungulate, I mentioned, was out in the country. Yet the sound increased -- and what could I do -- it was A LOW, DULL, QUICK SOUND -- MUCH SUCH A SOUND AS A PAIR OF OSSICONES MAKES WHEN STRUCK UPON A BOARD.
posted by moonmilk at 7:21 AM on July 27, 2013


I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for your forbidden
ritual.

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and GAKKKKHHHH
posted by moonmilk at 7:23 AM on July 27, 2013 [13 favorites]


"You have ALS."
posted by schmod at 8:12 AM on July 27, 2013


When the dead began to rise, it wasn't the erstwhile humans that got to me - they were menacing but mostly impersonal, and easily enough disposed of. What really bothered me were the rats, with their flattened heads and shattered backs, their traps dragging and clattering behind them like castanets furiously keeping time; like surrogate heartbeats, insistant and accusing.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:21 AM on July 27, 2013 [37 favorites]


It was at that moment that I realized, as we all do, that death is merely paralysis. The embalming hurt like hell but the eternity laying in the pitch black coffin was worse.
posted by sineater at 8:34 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Building on schmod's:

"You have ALS. And now the bad news."
posted by Mister_A at 8:43 AM on July 27, 2013


"No, no, no; the contract wasn't to direct ONE Star Wars film", J.J. Abrams replied. "The contract was to direct ALL of the Star Wars films."
posted by Wordshore at 9:45 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


When the dead began to rise, it wasn't the erstwhile humans that got to me - they were menacing but mostly impersonal, and easily enough disposed of. What really bothered me were the rats, with their flattened heads and shattered backs, their traps dragging and clattering behind them like castanets furiously keeping time; like surrogate heartbeats, insistant and accusing.

Uh that's amazing.
posted by sweetkid at 9:54 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Peter Watts story linked by ivan ivanych samovar gave me elaborate, well-plotted nightmares about an alien race coming to assimilate humanity with promises of unlimited youth and food. Naturally, I recommend it highly.
posted by Countess Elena at 10:00 AM on July 27, 2013


When they finally broke into his superficially modest Oregon home and arrested Matt, it wasn't the ordinariness of the guy that surprised everyone, nor the array of strange electrical wiring that led from his laptop to gaps between the floorboards. No; it was the 61,383 souls, each unknowingly trapped in a jar, each lovingly and neatly shelved and indexed within the complex of catacombs beneath.
posted by Wordshore at 10:04 AM on July 27, 2013 [16 favorites]


Monty was one of those assholes who instantly considered himself a connoisseur of anything he might take interest in, so when he inherited the family manor in Tuscany and invited me for a housewarming, I'd counted on him prating on at length about whatever luxuries that came from his uncle's good taste rather than through his effort. What I hadn't counted on was the tour he led of the wine cellar, which started with the crates of de grave and ended with the family's reserve of amontillado.
posted by ardgedee at 10:23 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


He thought he was clever with his entry to a contest requiring a complete story in two sentences. Then he was disqualified for using too many commas and semicolons.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:37 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


I stared off in the distance to the exit with full knowledge that escape was futile and that I was stuck at this family reunion talking to one of my in-laws that I saw only once every few years. "Anyway," he continued without slowing down, "my fifth favourite Ayn Rand book is..."
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 10:52 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


In his very truly great manners of Gabriel very carefully Barachiel had very measuredly come amongst his very really grand men and women to Zebuleon, Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael, Gabuthelon, Aker, Arphugitonos and Beburos very titanically.
_______________________________________________________________________

In their very truly great manners of the Grigori very heroically Samyaza, Arakiel, Ramiel, Kokabiel, Tamiel, Daniel, Chazaqiel, and Baraqiel had very admirably come amongst his very really grand, men and women to John Barton Wolgamot very titanically.
posted by ardgedee at 11:09 AM on July 27, 2013


I thought all these little tiny god damned flies are all over the place because of global warming. Now I think maybe they were really nesting inside my sinuses and crawling in and out of my ears and nose and that's why they're everywhere I go.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:10 AM on July 27, 2013


"My Fellow Americans, the vampire plague is a myth, nothing more," the Vice President announced. His tongue flicked out and cleaned the spot of red from his cheek.
posted by Hactar at 11:34 AM on July 27, 2013


When Ramsey Campbell's daughter Timsin was four or so, she said something that creeped out her father enough that he later published it under her name:
When I'm dead, I'll be hungry.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:50 AM on July 27, 2013 [14 favorites]


Welcome To Hell. Hope you like Nickelback!
posted by 4ster at 11:55 AM on July 27, 2013


Tied up in a basement, awaiting his fate, Jack despaired that the molecular gastronomy craze had made its way to this backwoods village of cannibals. He was not looking forward to becoming a foam.
posted by painquale at 11:56 AM on July 27, 2013 [13 favorites]


Welcome to Heaven. Hope you like Nickelback — God's a big fan!
posted by moonmilk at 12:04 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Life without possibility of parole. Death by lethal injection.
posted by chavenet at 12:06 PM on July 27, 2013


Welcome To Hell. Hope you like Nickelback!
posted by 4ster 8 minutes ago [+]


Wouldn't they hope you didn't like nickelback in Hell?

--ah moonmilk has it
posted by sweetkid at 12:06 PM on July 27, 2013


You are woken in the middle of the night by someone loudly knocking at your door.

Your bedroom door.
posted by painquale at 12:18 PM on July 27, 2013


—How can you say my beanie baby collection is worthless?

—I didn't say 'worthless,' I said 'writhing.'
posted by moonmilk at 12:35 PM on July 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


"Honey, we're home," Mary yelled as she set the suitcases down in the foyer, careful not to trip on Mittens as he figure-eighted around her ankles. "At least he remembered to feed the cat," she muttered as the kids, suntanned and screaming, ran through the scattered mail on the floor and up the stairs to Bill's study.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:47 PM on July 27, 2013 [23 favorites]


"Don't look so unhappy and pessimistic. Although it's true that the market for scrimshaw is terribly over-saturated now, one day you'll be making me a lot of money."
posted by pyramid termite at 2:05 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Welcome to Limbo. Hope you like Chubby Checker.
posted by pyramid termite at 2:10 PM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Lara had read that unborn babies, in an effort to obtain nutrients, could cause their mothers to have bizarre cravings . She wondered what kind of thing growing inside her had needed her to do that to the cat.
posted by painquale at 2:23 PM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


Welcome to Valhalla. Hope you like Death Metal.
posted by moonmilk at 3:02 PM on July 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


Teen Wolf has 24 episodes this season, but they're all about Derek's man pain.
posted by The Whelk at 3:16 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


painquale, the baby obviously knows about toxoplasmosis. A really advanced baby would do something about it. They're people, after all, just like you and me under the law as people are trying to write it.
posted by localroger at 4:00 PM on July 27, 2013


I just listened to a creepy story in which a really advanced baby does something about it.
posted by moonmilk at 4:13 PM on July 27, 2013


I asked MeFi if I could eat it, and the consensus was "No!"

Still, I ate it.
posted by 4ster at 8:22 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


"What's eating you," she asked. "Maggots, I think."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:31 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well. I have learned a lot about my fellow Mefites from this thread.
posted by aclevername at 9:38 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Indeed. It's been great fun watching your reactions while you read.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:43 PM on July 27, 2013 [11 favorites]


I asked MeFi if I could eat it, and the consensus was "No!"

Still, I ate it.


....once it stopped screaming, of course.
posted by elizardbits at 10:05 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Joey peeked out the window at the crowd gathering around their car.

"Honey, why don't you take Brian to daycare today?", he said.
posted by knapah at 5:30 AM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Last night, just like the night of each June 17th for the last twenty years, my little brother came to my doorstep in the small, dark hours of the morning and rang the bell. And last night, just like the night of each June 17th for the last twenty years, plus one June afternoon twenty-one years ago, I shot him in the face with our dad's Winchester Model 1200 shotgun, dragged his corpse into the woods, buried him in a shallow grave, and then cried myself to sleep.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:52 AM on July 28, 2013 [5 favorites]


Her teacher said that a person's eyes are a way to see into their soul and so Laura, who loved her mother with all her heart, dreamt of her mother's amber-bright eyes. She dreamt of falling into eyes of flame and pupils ringed by sharpened teeth, down a hungry gullet where she is dissolved and digested and then shat upon her bedside floor the next morning, sweat-drenched and shivering, with no memory of the dream except despair.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 6:32 AM on July 28, 2013


Q:“How is babby formed?”
A:“Parthenogenesis”
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 6:43 AM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


"I'm sorry to report that yet another test subject has somehow managed to escape," said Dr. van Orman. "Once again, we found no locks forced, no windows broken, nothing but an empty cell and a note reading, '"I'm sorry to report that yet another test subject has somehow managed to escape," said Dr. van Orman. "Once again, we found no locks forced, no windows broken, nothing but an empty cell and a note reading, '"I'm sorry to report that yet another test subject has somehow managed to escape," said Dr. van Orman. "Once again..."'"'"
posted by DaDaDaDave at 7:18 AM on July 28, 2013


Metafilter: 61,383 souls, each unknowingly trapped in a jar, each lovingly and neatly shelved and indexed within the complex of catacombs beneath.
posted by jokeefe at 12:58 PM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I had a revelation: pico horror can often be turned into comedy with a 3rd line. Behold:

> I ask her her name. She tells me mine.

That's what I get for conversing with parrots.


> Little Eleanor was playing upstairs in her room when she heard her mother call her from the kitchen: "Ellie, come down here please!"

Ellie ran downstairs, but as she passed the cupboard under the stairs, an arm reached out and pulled her inside.

It was her mother. "Don't go in the kitchen," she said, "I heard it, too."


"Hah! I told you it would be fun to live in this MC Escher designed echo chamber house! I'll race you to the roof! Don't forget to watch out for the upside-down waterfall feature!"


> I knew then that my entire life up unto this point had been a carefully constructed, massively engineered test, and that I had failed. All of the Earths would die within the hour.

I hate playing Sim Earth time-limited demos. They always end before I get anything good to evolve.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:19 AM on July 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ok now do the zombie rats and Brian because those are the standout scary ones in this thread. To me.
posted by sweetkid at 11:09 AM on July 29, 2013


> When the dead began to rise, it wasn't the erstwhile humans that got to me - they were menacing but mostly impersonal, and easily enough disposed of. What really bothered me were the rats, with their flattened heads and shattered backs, their traps dragging and clattering behind them like castanets furiously keeping time; like surrogate heartbeats, insistant and accusing.

It always comes back to Spanish folk music. I hate Spanish folk music.


> "Why didn't you drop Brian off at Day Care this morning," his wife asked.

Outside, a crowd gathered around his car.


Here's the twist: the couple is camping in the woods, and this was his wife's way of alerting him that there is a lot of bears around their car, without having him freak out and shout "Oh shit, the bears are after my lipbalm!"

(OK, that was a stretch)
posted by filthy light thief at 1:08 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


+1 for the Spanish folk music, Daddy's Lip Balm not so much.
posted by sweetkid at 1:19 PM on July 29, 2013


I agree with filthy light thief. Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!
posted by JHarris at 1:27 PM on July 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: 61,383 souls, each unknowingly trapped in a jar, each lovingly and neatly shelved and indexed within the complex of catacombs beneath.

It's a sequel to "The Terrible Old Man!"
posted by JHarris at 1:28 PM on July 29, 2013


Oh, and I'll handle it flt:

"Why didn't you drop Brian off at Day Care this morning," his wife asked.
Outside, a crowd gathered around his car.


"It's because those snowmen he built on the hood are blocking me in, seriously we should never have introduced that kid to Calvin and Hobbes."
posted by JHarris at 1:37 PM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Thanks, JHarris. Well done.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:53 PM on July 29, 2013


At the conclusion of supper, we made sure that there were leftovers on our plates, and all turned to our Mother, expectant.

She sighs: "Throw it out for the ghosts."
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:55 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


It wasn't hunger, or vengeance, or even a trophy they were after, he told himself while easing the closet door shut.

They were bored and he was next.
posted by psoas at 7:22 PM on July 29, 2013


The good news is there's enough meat on the leg to last you until the snow melts. The bad news is, it's your own leg.
posted by unSane at 7:32 PM on July 29, 2013


"It's a very beautiful place," I said to Saint Peter, "but where is the Most High?" "We don't know," he replied.
posted by curious.jp at 1:54 AM on July 30, 2013 [6 favorites]


He woke to cold wind and plastic rustling across his skin. In the distance, questions crept closer.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:07 PM on July 30, 2013


I had raised my children to believe some things were worth dying for. Too late, I realised that this wasn't one of them.
posted by curious.jp at 1:28 AM on August 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


They knew that the dead branch on the tree outside the bedroom windows needed to come down. When the voices in their heads grew louder it never wound up getting done, as the spores from the dripping orange fungus slowly drove them mad.
posted by ob1quixote at 11:25 AM on August 1, 2013


I just wanted to rest, and finally it was quiet. Then they all started purring again.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:53 PM on August 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


Doesn't sound like horror to me, Kirth Gerson. Fluffy, furry annoyance maybe. Is that a thing, annoyance stories?
posted by JHarris at 3:43 PM on August 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


(I think it should be.)
posted by JHarris at 3:44 PM on August 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


PicoAnnoyance has potential as a genre, I think.

"I absently stroked Carolyn's hair as her head sleepily nodded with the rise and fall of my breathing. Then I realised I had left the garage door open."

"And also that Carolyn was a terrifying ghost."
posted by curious.jp at 5:14 PM on August 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


This was written especially for JHarris.

I was blinded, confused, stunned and poisoned, but I had a plan. "This is going to be a great ascension," I thought, as I put my hand down one key to the right of where it should be.
posted by curious.jp at 5:50 PM on August 1, 2013 [5 favorites]


Heh heh heh.
posted by JHarris at 6:20 PM on August 1, 2013


At night, in your room, you turn out the lights and close your eyes, but occasionally, it's as if there are bright flashes of light in the darkness, next to your bed.

This means you've seen us, and not everyone can, but then again, not everyone gets to end up as an unsolved missing persons case, do they?

this just woke me because I get this all the time. Eyes closed, dark room, then bam, it looks as if someone is shining hi-beams at my face. I wavered between an Askme or horror story, and here we are
posted by Ghidorah at 9:02 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I wavered between an AskMe and a Horror story, and then I learned too late why some questions never have a best answer marked.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:13 AM on August 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


I had a dream last night where I died. I think.
posted by maryr at 3:04 PM on August 8, 2013


He awoke in a cold sweat, finally free of the nightmare. He slowly opened his eyes only to see them surrounding his bed, dressed in black and wearing Guy Fawkes masks.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:10 PM on August 8, 2013


Continuing double block and bleed's:
"George W. said, 'What is this, a convention?'"

maryr's:
"Then a purple rhinosaurus offered a glass and said 'Naw, your still dreaming. Have some pineapple schnapps.'"

BrotherCaine's:
"At least he had the decency to post anonymously."

What the heck, curious.jp's:
"So I died." (What, I'm not a miracle worker.)
posted by JHarris at 7:19 PM on August 10, 2013


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