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there's like - a bunch of mermaids here - and they definitely hate me
July 26, 2013 11:29 PM   Subscribe

Texts from J. Alfred Prufrock

Yes, the url says texts from Wuthering Heights.

Other texts-from-fictional-characters by Mallory Ortberg include
Texts from Pride and Prejudice
Texts from Don Quixote
Texts from the American Girls
Texts from Little Women
Texts from the Baby-Sitters Club
Texts from Rebecca
Texts from Nancy Drew
Texts from Jane Eyre
Texts from Sweet Valley High
Texts from Scarlett O'Hara

Previously and previouslier
posted by zeptoweasel (31 comments total) 38 users marked this as a favorite

 
Well that's done now, and I'm glad it's over. ;-)
posted by chavenet at 12:21 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


I saw this post and thought, "If anyone other than Mallory Ortberg has done this, I'm going to be upset." Glad to see I'm not upset.
posted by Zosia Blue at 12:49 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Because my late wife's favourite poem was Prufrock, we'd used "let us go then you and I as the evening's spread out amongst the sky like a patient ethernized upon a table" when we wanted to go out, to the point that I had it as a macro...
posted by MartinWisse at 1:16 AM on July 27, 2013 [12 favorites]


Gasping for air. So funny.
posted by mykescipark at 1:51 AM on July 27, 2013


Don't worry, those mermaids hate everyone. Mermaids are assholes.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:24 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


I just read Texts from the American Girls and am now overcome with the urge to slap a doll.


It's weird.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:31 AM on July 27, 2013


I just had a minor moment of epiphany two days ago wherein TS Eliot's poetry all kind of fit together for me in a way it never had before, so I went on an Eliot spree, devouring Prufrock, Hollow Men, and the Quartets, and I was halfway through The Waste Lands before it ended and I realized all the formal stuffiness that keeps Eliot at arm's length for me hadn't disappeared. So now I'm back to mild ambivalence.

This, though... This is what it looks like when my friends and I text, pretty much actually. I don't know what that means. Probably it's time to start scouring my texting backlogs for accidental found poetry.
posted by Rory Marinich at 4:10 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


So now I'm back to mild ambivalence.

Yes, that's the Eliotic mode in a nutshell: mild ambivalence about matters of great existential import.

to wit: "Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse"
posted by chavenet at 4:35 AM on July 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


"do you think I should eat a peach
what
right now?
yeah
do you want to eat a peach?
idk
yeah

then you should eat a peach
. . .
I don’t know if I want a peach actually
oh my god"

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. There should be a company that does Cliff Notes, but in text or (somewhat outdated) Facebook updates. Although they would probably lead to more "This poem is about a guy who probably really likes peaches" essays.
posted by bibliowench at 5:22 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


"S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse
you know I don’t speak Italian
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
No idea what you’re saying
so
let me know if you want to talk later in English
sorry new phone who is this"

fucking brilliant.
posted by From Bklyn at 5:32 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm so poorly read that I didn't even get any of the references, yet still found this hilarious. That's some fine writing, Mallory Ortberg.
posted by orme at 6:06 AM on July 27, 2013


That is beautifully done.
posted by yoink at 7:18 AM on July 27, 2013


This was way funnier than expected.
posted by nev at 7:44 AM on July 27, 2013


do you think I would look good with rolled trousers
like if I rolled up the cuffs
I think they would make my legs look less skinny
I don’t know
probably
I don’t know if I want a peach actually

Jesus that's funny -
posted by newdaddy at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2013


On the other hand the American Girls ones I'll be hearing again in my nightmares tonight -
posted by newdaddy at 8:20 AM on July 27, 2013


Rory, the right way to approach Elliot is to assume a worldview where you live in constant paralytic fear of having to talk to someone.
posted by The Whelk at 8:33 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


assume, right
posted by neuromodulator at 10:23 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


thousands of metafilter introverts, all thinking "assume a worldview... ?"
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:54 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


As perfect as Texts from J. Alfred Prufrock is, my favorite is still Texts from Jane Eyre. The Rochester and Jane voices are perfect.

DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT
yes
absolutely
BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT

posted by yasaman at 11:32 AM on July 27, 2013 [7 favorites]


rick
rick
rick
rick
i want a peach rick
posted by Spatch at 2:43 PM on July 27, 2013 [11 favorites]


The don Quixote made me giggle enough to dislodge my cat. As a Maine coon, she is unaccustomed to being moved against her will. I want that framed next to my Quixote painting by Dore.
posted by dejah420 at 5:25 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oddly, the URL says "Texts from Wuthering Heights" but goes to Prufrock.

Genius though. Thanks for posting.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:19 PM on July 27, 2013


Oddly, the URL says "Texts from Wuthering Heights" but goes to Prufrock.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:19 PM on July 27 [+] [!]

Not only mentioned in the FPP but also addressed in the comments:
UGH don't trust the URL i changed the url but now it's still stuck on wuthering heights

WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS TK

posted by mykescipark at 7:37 PM on July 27, 2013


"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" is one of my all-time favorite poems, so of course I loved this. : )
posted by SisterHavana at 8:35 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


I want that framed next to my Quixote painting by Dore.

I have that too! No cat though.
posted by DigDoug at 11:56 AM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


an insult to a great poem
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:44 PM on July 28, 2013


Am I missing Wallace Stevens? I've looked all over for that canning jar in this damn kudzu.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:38 PM on July 28, 2013


An insult to a great poem.

Oh, I think the poem will weather it.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:58 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


an insult to a great poem

They all struck me as coming out of really loving the work in question.
posted by yoink at 12:17 PM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Oh, and now there's another one: Texts from Moby Dick.

do you ever worry
that the whale is like
a metaphor

a metaphor?
yeah
sometimes
me too
me too

do you wanna nail stuff to the mast?
yeah
ok
be there in five

posted by yasaman at 12:20 PM on July 31, 2013


Texts from The Yellow Wallpaper is so good, you guys.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:11 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


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