I'll take that to go

August 2, 2013 12:11 PM

Brazen bear walks off with 2 dumpsters of food
posted by figurant (89 comments total)

"brazen" is a bit redundant when talking bears, eh?
posted by mrgrimm at 12:14 PM on August 2, 2013

At the end of the article the owner is quoted as saying he plans to start chaining the dumpsters to prevent further theft.

Oh, that's a great idea. Next the bear will start showing up with bold cutters, and then where will we be?
posted by daq at 12:14 PM on August 2, 2013 [8 favorites]

Were they painted to look like pic-a-nic baskets?
posted by tittergrrl at 12:15 PM on August 2, 2013 [7 favorites]

I really want this to be part of an elaborate freegan conspiracy.
posted by elizardbits at 12:15 PM on August 2, 2013 [6 favorites]

Chastised bear apologetically returns dumpster of food
posted by theodolite at 12:15 PM on August 2, 2013 [105 favorites]

Where the hell is it going to take them? Roll them down the highway, over the river and through the woods? I think "stealing" might be a little overdoing it; it looks more like "pulls dumpsters out of camera view".
posted by Curious Artificer at 12:20 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

bears. my parents live in far NW New Jersey and this sort of thing (well, not entire dumpsters...yet!) is a very regular occurrence. they probably will show up with bolt cutters.
bears are terrifyingly smart. really really cute, but terrifying
posted by supermedusa at 12:22 PM on August 2, 2013

I saw this on the evening news last night and literally could not stop laughing for two minutes because it was so awesome.

My wife said "I don't see what the problem is, it's self service buffet"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:22 PM on August 2, 2013 [8 favorites]

The posted link doesn't take me to the video, but this link does.
posted by bearwife at 12:23 PM on August 2, 2013

Next the bear will start showing up with bold cutters

Or worse: brazen cutters.
posted by goethean at 12:23 PM on August 2, 2013 [8 favorites]

Where the hell is it going to take them? Roll them down the highway, over the river and through the woods?

Look I've been on the bear patrol for a few years now and I can tell you this isn't a one-bear job. I bet they've got a lookout and a driver out front. This is just the inside bear.
posted by griphus at 12:25 PM on August 2, 2013 [18 favorites]

Actually, Bear steals same dumpster twice.
posted by the_artificer at 12:25 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

NEW ENTRY IN EMPLOYEE MANUAL:
Always hang the dumpster from a tree branch, at least 15 feet up, before closing up the restaurant.
posted by not_on_display at 12:28 PM on August 2, 2013 [26 favorites]

This bear is my life coach of the month!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:35 PM on August 2, 2013 [3 favorites]

This is too funny. At one point it was like he looked up at the camera and thought, "Nah, better take this to go."

I bet they've got a lookout and a driver out front.

Bears are stealing cars now? Be afraid humans. Be very afraid.
posted by fuse theorem at 12:36 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

We're one step closer to my dream of seeing a real live bear making off with a honey bucket.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:37 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Next, the bear is going to sneak in and pretend to be a short order cook for four days, eating fresh burgers right off the grill in between serving up orders.

Finally, bear becomes president of McDonalds, and gets marketing to make their packaging more bear friendly.. but after being exposed to the grisly insider info of the entire business decides that the environmental impact of the chain is too horrible to maintain and goes full raw vegan, providing a culture shift for the brand to become a health food shop.

When stockholders protest and try to force him out of a leadership position, he devours them whole.
posted by FatherDagon at 12:37 PM on August 2, 2013 [14 favorites]

Call the cops, I don't give a fuck.
posted by peep at 12:37 PM on August 2, 2013 [20 favorites]

but after being exposed to the grisly insider info of the entire business

grizzly insider info
posted by theodolite at 12:39 PM on August 2, 2013 [3 favorites]

Damn those freegans.
posted by octothorpe at 12:41 PM on August 2, 2013

I am always surprised how much actual bears end up looking like guys in bears suits when they do stuff like this.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:46 PM on August 2, 2013 [49 favorites]

To hell with pic-a-nic baskets I guess.
posted by GuyZero at 12:48 PM on August 2, 2013

You can weld the thing to a light pole if you want. Until they get a bear proof lid, they'll only be saving themselves a walk to pick up the mess.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:48 PM on August 2, 2013

Requisite GIF.
posted by sidesh0w at 12:51 PM on August 2, 2013 [5 favorites]

As a Yosemite park ranger is supposed to have said regarding bear-proof trashcans: "there is considerable overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists". (Now that I look for the source, alas, the quotation appears to be apocryphal.)
posted by junco at 12:51 PM on August 2, 2013 [17 favorites]

daq, was "bold cutters" intentional? If an eggcorn, what's your derivation?
posted by larrybob at 12:51 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

We're Here! We're clear! We don't want any more bears!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:52 PM on August 2, 2013

I don't understand why he didn't just sit at the table they so nicely provided for him back by the dumpster and finish his meal there. Maybe he didn't want to leave a tip?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:54 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Bear hits the bars.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:58 PM on August 2, 2013

Next, the bear is going to sneak in and pretend to be a short order cook for four days...

I think we already know the headline for this story: BEAR GRILLS
posted by Flashman at 1:04 PM on August 2, 2013 [15 favorites]

Smarter than the average bear? Possibly. I don't know how smart the average bear is.
posted by asperity at 1:07 PM on August 2, 2013

I really expected a discussion as to if Dumpster is a proper noun. A rare disappointment, Metafilter.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 1:09 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

Look I've been on the bear patrol for a few years now and I can tell you this isn't a one-bear job. I bet they've got a lookout and a driver out front. This is just the inside bear.

Photographic evidence of bear drivers.
posted by fikri at 1:13 PM on August 2, 2013

Hope you waited 30 minutes, bear.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:14 PM on August 2, 2013

Local news on how the bear's plans have been foiled.
posted by asperity at 1:16 PM on August 2, 2013

A brazen bear was caught breaking into a car in Maple Ridge.
posted by dougzilla at 1:19 PM on August 2, 2013

asperity: "Local news on how the bear's plans have been foiled."

Since it's highlighted in the link above's headline, I want to mention something I thought previously: I don't know why it's so much funnier that it's a German restaurant in Colorado where this is happening, but it is. Humor is weird.

(Of course, the headline "Colorado Springs bear with a taste for take-out schnitzel successfully deterred" proves that I am not the only person who thought this.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:19 PM on August 2, 2013

I don't know how smart the average bear is.

The average bear will have a bear IQ of precisely 100.
posted by srboisvert at 1:21 PM on August 2, 2013 [25 favorites]

Chastised bear apologetically returns dumpster of food

Actually, that bear checked the nutritional information on the menu and decided "eh, better not."
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:22 PM on August 2, 2013

elizardbits: "I really want this to be part of an elaborate freegan conspiracy."

It was a ghost! A big hairy gay freegan ghost!
posted by mannequito at 1:32 PM on August 2, 2013

They even had a bear in the air!
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 1:36 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just the bear necessities.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:39 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Beary naughty.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:39 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

These puns are hard to bear.
posted by sektah at 1:45 PM on August 2, 2013 [4 favorites]

This is the third bear thread we've had in the past few weeks. Frankly, I suspect some pro-bear astroturfing. If the mods don't crack down on this, it could get grizzly around here.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:54 PM on August 2, 2013 [4 favorites]

Maybe the bear was thinking how kickass it would be to have a hibernation den with WHEELS!
posted by ian1977 at 1:56 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

This thread brought to you by The Coca-Cola Company.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:01 PM on August 2, 2013

Bears are no laughing matter, especially as they gain in deceptiveness and speed.

And even when they're not dressed in disguise, please beware bare bears.
posted by mistersquid at 2:07 PM on August 2, 2013

Still beats Little Caesar's for takeout.
posted by porn in the woods at 2:18 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Bolt cutters?

Y'all do realize that bears come with bolt cutters preinstalled, right?
posted by fraula at 2:27 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am like 95% sure that is a person in a bear suit
posted by threeants at 2:32 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ah, this Reddit confession bear makes sense now (saw it an hour ago, didn't get it).
posted by humph at 2:33 PM on August 2, 2013

Who is driving?
posted by dr_dank at 2:37 PM on August 2, 2013 [3 favorites]

Maybe the bear will bring it's own ladder next time.
Previously on metafilter.
posted by jjj606 at 2:38 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

The bears obviously worked up an appetite at that tree dancing party last week and sent this one out for snacks in a "we buy, you fly" type situation.

Oh internet video bears, what will you think up next?
posted by ActingTheGoat at 2:42 PM on August 2, 2013

Meals on wheels.
posted by Chuffy at 2:45 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

From asperity's follow-up link:

"If we have to get involved, it doesn't end well for the bear," Hampton said. "If it continues to get into the trash we will have to kill it."

Relocation is not a safe alternative in such situations, he said, because it exposes the bear to even more dangers.

So, he's saying in order to protect the bear they might have to kill it?
posted by JHarris at 2:51 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Maybe it's because I live in a pinko town with a Green Bin program, but that much food in a landfill-bound dumpster makes me sad. At least the bear was going to return it to the food chain.
posted by anthill at 2:55 PM on August 2, 2013 [6 favorites]

Can someone please do that thing they do on cop shows where they go to all the local businesses and get all the CCTV footage from the stores and ATM machines and piece together the rest of the story??

Also: I, for one, etc.
posted by Room 641-A at 2:58 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

He's definitely a stout bear, but I'm afraid the jury is still out on helpful.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:11 PM on August 2, 2013

Idea for a new game: GRAND THEFT DUMPSTER.
posted by JHarris at 4:12 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

How come when he takes the second one the camera is zooming, and then pans to follow him out? That must be one pretty smart surveillance camera, no? I kind of doubt this one ...
posted by woodblock100 at 4:42 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

I used to live in NW New Jersey. The bears there are no joke. There was one person in my area who was feeding bears, despite much advice and ire from neighbors to stop. One night, the bear simply picked up one end of the entire shed where the food was being stored and dropped it, destroying the shed but exposing the tasty vittles for quick theft.

Then, when they went away on vacation, the bear broke into their house and destroyed their kitchen.

That bear may or may not have used a key. Creepy.
posted by nevercalm at 4:53 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

Bears are stealing cars now? Be afraid humans. Be very afraid.

Bear behind the wheel, takes Pleasanton family's Prius for a drive
posted by homunculus at 5:00 PM on August 2, 2013

woodblock100: "How come when he takes the second one the camera is zooming, and then pans to follow him out? That must be one pretty smart surveillance camera, no? I kind of doubt this one ..."

If you watch the video in the link bearwife posted, it shows the unedited video.
posted by the_artificer at 5:17 PM on August 2, 2013

I guess it beared repeating
posted by dmd at 5:19 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

It looks to me like that was just a black bear. Had it been a grizzly it would have just picked a dumpster up under each arm and ambled off.
posted by TedW at 5:31 PM on August 2, 2013 [3 favorites]

Of course bearwife posted in this thread. Of course.
posted by Night_owl at 5:33 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

"How come when he takes the second one the camera is zooming, and then pans to follow him out?"

That bothered me, too, but then I noticed that the timestamp and camera designation were moving in the frame (and went outside of it) and I realized that the TV station production folk had zoomed in and moved the frame around for the broadcast.

"It just looked like it was trying to open the lid and inadvertently pushed it a short distance."

You must not have watched the second half of the video where the bear does it the second night. Yeah, in both cases it probably didn't originally intend to move the dumpster, but way the bear moves it a long distance and navigates around the corner (while walking backward!) proves that, once started, the bear knew what it was doing. I found this pretty damn amazing, myself.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 5:54 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

Stephen Colbert warned us about the bears, but did any of you listen?
posted by Area Man at 7:28 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

So, he's saying in order to protect the bear they might have to kill it?

The obvious solution is to lock the dumpsters, but leave instead a comically decorated tricycle.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 7:39 PM on August 2, 2013 [5 favorites]

I'll just leave this here.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:01 PM on August 2, 2013

asperity, you mean the 51st percentile of ursine intelligence?
posted by grimjeer at 8:15 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

Here's a better question: What sort of shitty restaurant puts seating out by the f--ing dumpsters?
posted by schmod at 9:10 PM on August 2, 2013

Oh wow. I drink near there.

I mean, I frequent a restaurant next door to Eidelweiss which has good drinks. Which I drink.

I might have to find a new place to drink now, though. Once the bears start moving downtown, it's just not my scene anymore.
posted by bibliowench at 9:18 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

What sort of shitty restaurant puts seating out by the f--ing dumpsters?

The kind with employees who smoke would be my guess.
posted by homunculus at 9:21 PM on August 2, 2013

I'd never go outside without a bazooka, a large-caliber machine gun, and a satchel full of hand grenades if I lived where there are bears, or mountain lions for that matter. No. Way. Jesus. I get twitchy around wasps for chrisakes. I don't even like mosquitos, though I'm not scared of them, except for those bastards on the gulf coast that come out at sundown, and leave welts on you like you've been hit with rocks, and hurt as bad, too. But bears? Nope. No way. Man created Cities so we don't have to live near bears and wolves and moose and wolverines and whatever else, it's bad enough to ride the bus ...
posted by dancestoblue at 9:54 PM on August 2, 2013

Black bears are pretty mellow. I mean, you should be careful around them and not approach them and all, but generally they're as wary of us as we are of them.

It's the brown bears, and especially the larger varieties such as the kodiak, that are more worrisome. And the polar bear will gladly fuck you up and is basically walking death.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 10:05 PM on August 2, 2013

And the polar bear will gladly fuck you up and is basically walking death.

Yeah, the Coke commercials with animated polar bears always freak me out for this reason.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:14 PM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]

I wish I could believe that we as Homo Sapiens could chance into a way to communicate with higher order mammals at some point during my lifetime. I honestly believe that they'd have a lot to say.

Maybe it's because I watched too much Grizzly Adams as a kid, but I would love a bear companion/buddy/frat bro. We could high five, I could introduce him to Chinese food and cheap beer, he could shit in the woods, we could push cars out of desired parking spots, shit, he could ride in my modified sidecar WITH FUCKING GOGGLES. I'm not even going into swimming.

As long as I can say, "Hey bear dude, please don't rip off my face because you're pissed, we can discuss this, we're higher order mammals, how 'bout a Krispy Kreme or forty while we sort this out."

Hopefully, I'd be okay.
posted by Sphinx at 10:25 PM on August 2, 2013 [9 favorites]

Absolutely, I'd love to bop around with a bear or a gazelle or whatever, and goggles, you bet! Take them inside and make some hamburgers, put them in a chef hat and apron to flip them, and watch some shit on youtube, even show them bear attacks (or lion, whatever, maybe gazelle attacks, if they do so, and I'm assuming those horns aren't just for show) (gazelles have horns, right?) show them attacks and ask what was that dude on about, anyways? Or maybe get the grizzly to teach me to fish like they do, how cool would it be to catch a salmon in my mouth like in that one photo we've all seen.

Meanwhile, back here on earth, have any of you ever seen that docu by Herzog, Grizzly Man? Remember how he decided against putting the audio into the movie, the audio of the couple getting attacked and killed by the bear, because it would be indecent, disrespectful of the suffering of the dead and all, not to mention awfully hard to listen to if you're squeamish, remember that?

But of course the internet *is* indecent, and disrespectful, and does not give a care if you're squeamish, so an easy search finds you that audio. (Did you notice how decent and respectful I am for not linking it?) Apparently the woman didn't haul ass like any normal creature would but instead tried to influence the bear "Hey, Melvin -- knock it off now!" and she ended up having a bad day, too.

I hate the idea of any animal getting pasted, they're doing nothing wrong, it truly is in the order of things -- we eat other other. I ate a canned salmon sandwich last night and I sure enjoyed it. How great it would be to hang with a grizz, they really are just dogs that've gotten way out of hand, maybe they're dogs on steroids, I love dogs so. much. and I think it'd be great to get a grizz to fetch a frisbee or tennis ball when I chunk it into the river here, then come ambling out and drop it at my feet, eyes all happy, maybe bark at me or something if I only pretend to throw the tennis ball -- dogs *hate* that, it's so much fun, they get this really disgusted look, contemptuous maybe morelike, if they could talk they'd say "You dick. What a jerk." so maybe I wouldn't do that with the grizz, even if it was my big buddy.

(I'll never admit it here on this site because I must be oh so cool and not read trash and I'm almost positive this book would not be on the shelf of anyone who is here but somehow I got in my hands a copy of the book Clan Of The Cave Bear and this gal in the book got hove out of her tribe and lived in a cave with a bear pretty much the size of a dump truck, and she rode the thing for jesus christ sakes, and they both were happy about it, they were big buddies.)

Supposedly bear spray gives humans a much better shot at not getting hurt than a firearm does, and the bear has a bad afternoon but doesn't have to die just because we're stomping around his or her turf. Apparently bear spray really does do the deal, provided you don't freak out and miss the bear, or what if there's more than one, or what if you're like me, and you just stand there screeching like a dope and wet your drawers? Then what?

Anyways. Bear spray is WAY more potent than even the nastiest cop pepper spray; I asked about pepper spray in an REI once -- I'd been watching bear spray vids and was curious -- and the sales person got super questioning, making sure I wasn't going to buy it to toss into my pickup to ward off whoever, making sure I knew it's super-illegal to squirt someone with the stuff.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:31 PM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]

higher order mammals at some point during my lifetime
I talked with "higher order mammals" all the time.

It's overrated.
posted by relish at 1:28 AM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Brazen Bears" is totally my next band name.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:19 AM on August 3, 2013

lived in a cave with a bear pretty much the size of a dump truck, and she rode the thing for jesus christ sakes, and they both were happy about it, they were big buddies

IT WAS A LION
posted by elizardbits at 1:39 PM on August 3, 2013

...an easy search finds you that audio...

Is that the actual audio? If I recall the movie correctly Herzog gave the only copy to Treadwell's mother with advice never to listen to it and she destroyed it.
posted by TedW at 2:52 PM on August 3, 2013

and she rode the thing for jesus christ sakes

Yes, that definitely was a lion, and that storyline wasn't even in The Clan of the Cave Bear. Pretty sure that happened in The Valley of the Horses. In which Ayla also domesticates a horse or two.
posted by Coatlicue at 6:40 PM on August 3, 2013

dancestoblue: " But bears? Nope. No way. Man created Cities so we don't have to live near bears and wolves and moose and wolverines and whatever else, it's bad enough to ride the bus ..."

Bears don\t ride buses in the city, they take the garbage truck.
posted by mannequito at 11:22 AM on August 4, 2013

Alaska brown bear tries a Sea Doo on for size
posted by homunculus at 7:58 PM on August 7, 2013

There was once a bear, who had purple hair...
posted by homunculus at 9:48 AM on August 13, 2013