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Avengers Sex Toys
August 10, 2013 6:31 PM   Subscribe


 
This is like special advanced Rule 34.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:33 PM on August 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


I am so sad these aren't real.
posted by rhiannonstone at 6:35 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I am so sad these aren't real.

....Give it time.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:36 PM on August 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


Kind of sad that Captain America isn't a hitachi magic wand or knockoff thereof
posted by dinty_moore at 6:37 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hawkeye should always hit the spot.

However, no Loki? I would think the Loki would always show up where you least expected....
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:39 PM on August 10, 2013 [6 favorites]


Loki would be one of the ones that can pass as a lipstick of other discreet stereotypical purse item.

I can't believe I have opinions on this (oh wait, yes I can).
posted by dinty_moore at 6:41 PM on August 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


How is the Hulk not a fist? A distinct lack of creativity on whatever poor Amazon Turk worker churned this article out. I feel like I could do much better here.
posted by boo_radley at 6:42 PM on August 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


dinty_moore: "Kind of sad that Captain America isn't a hitachi magic wand or knockoff thereof"

YOU THINK THIS LETTER ON MY HEAD STANDS FOR HITACHI?!
posted by boo_radley at 6:43 PM on August 10, 2013 [13 favorites]


Really there should be both Hawkguys, for balance.
posted by Artw at 6:49 PM on August 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hawkeye should always hit the spot.

Has half the battery life. Runs out when you need it most.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:49 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Straight guy chiming in who isn't too much into the stimulation these are meant to provide and I can tell you I would totally buy one of these. Just for me. I'd probably pass on The Hulk though.
posted by NoRelation at 6:50 PM on August 10, 2013


Not listed: WONDER TWINS - Wireless Vibrator for Couples
posted by christopherious at 6:59 PM on August 10, 2013


I would think the Loki would always show up where you least expected....

But Thor is the shocker.
posted by homunculus at 7:01 PM on August 10, 2013


I'm trying to think of who would be a prostate stimulator.

Also I want them to make a Black Widow strap-on. You know, the ones that fit like snug underpants and hold the dildo in place? And then make a version of Hawkeye with a flared base that'll fit in place and a mini clit stim Black Widow to tuck in the bottom.
posted by NoraReed at 7:03 PM on August 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


Not listed: WONDER TWINS - Wireless Vibrator for Couples

That's wrong. That's DC!

Avengers has Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. And they will be in the next movie, so that works.

(Sorry)
posted by Mezentian at 7:05 PM on August 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


I knew I'd get flak for that. :) Everyone else I could think of just seemed like too much of a stretch.
posted by christopherious at 7:07 PM on August 10, 2013


Stretch?

There's got to be some kind of toy for Mr Fantastic.
posted by Mezentian at 7:09 PM on August 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Hulk is appropriately veiny.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:12 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


A Venom sex toy should be a feeldoe that looks like it's made out of black latex and is shaped vaguely like a tentacle.

Ant-Man has a toy, but a sex toy with shrinking powers is just kinda sad.
posted by Grimgrin at 7:24 PM on August 10, 2013


Mr. Fantastic = stretchy cockring?
posted by dinty_moore at 7:25 PM on August 10, 2013


The thing would just be one of those polished stone ones.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:27 PM on August 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


I just want a Professor X one, they can just slap a new label on the Jean-Luc Picard sex toy I came up with before, you press the button and Patrick Stewart comes to your house and you share a lovely conversation over tea
posted by jake at 7:31 PM on August 10, 2013 [33 favorites]


(though it's not the same if you don't follow that with "....earl gray, HOT")
posted by jake at 7:31 PM on August 10, 2013


Mental Organism Designed Only for Knobing.
posted by Artw at 7:33 PM on August 10, 2013 [22 favorites]


Cap's ought to be inflatable, going by the movie.
posted by Mizu at 7:41 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Phil Coulson would look like a super cheap starter vibe, but then you try it out and find it to be surprisingly effective and powerful.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:51 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


dinty_moore: "Phil Coulson would look like a super cheap starter vibe, but then you try it out and find it to be surprisingly effective and powerful."

but the batteries stop halfway through. When you open it up to replace them, there's a small coupon for the Captain America model.
posted by boo_radley at 7:53 PM on August 10, 2013 [7 favorites]


That's just a cheap ploy from the manufacturer to get you back in to the avengers line. Take out the coupon, and the Coulson model mysteriously ressurects.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:59 PM on August 10, 2013 [8 favorites]


No comment on what Iron Fist would be.
posted by dinty_moore at 8:01 PM on August 10, 2013


Something something Mandrill something.
posted by emmtee at 8:19 PM on August 10, 2013


The Mandrill's outfit always reminds me of Lando's from ESB.

I feel the Battlin' Bantam needs a mention.
posted by Mezentian at 8:35 PM on August 10, 2013


On second thoughts, not only was he named Machine Man at one point but there was this as well.

It is appalling how little doubt there can be that I would buy an Aaron Stack vibrator.
posted by emmtee at 8:39 PM on August 10, 2013 [2 favorites]


No Dick Fury? Bruce Banger?

How about a Pecker Pops Fleshlight?
posted by orme at 8:45 PM on August 10, 2013


"Whatever knows fear burns at the Touch of the Man-Thing!"

Okay, maybe that needs some work.
posted by Artw at 8:52 PM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


It's 2013. They don't go in for amusing porn names anymore, just comic book accurate plots and costumes.
posted by Mezentian at 8:53 PM on August 10, 2013


Oh, THOSE Avengers. I was going to say, I'm pretty sure John Steed's umbrella already was some kind of sex toy.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:53 PM on August 10, 2013 [10 favorites]


How about a Pecker Pops Fleshlight?

Lady Bullseye?
posted by Artw at 8:53 PM on August 10, 2013


"Whatever knows fear burns at the Touch of the Man-Thing!"

Daredevil's safe then.
posted by Mezentian at 8:54 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, THOSE Avengers. I was going to say, I'm pretty sure John Steed's umbrella already was some kind of sex toy.

Those guys are total perverts.
posted by Artw at 8:54 PM on August 10, 2013 [8 favorites]


And then there's this guy.
posted by Artw at 9:18 PM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]


The Bi-Beast first appeared in the Hulk #169 (Nov. 1973) and was created by Herb Trimpe and Steve Englehart.

LSD is a hellova drug.
posted by Mezentian at 9:21 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


Those would sell so wildly that America's manufacturing force could come back within a year.
posted by Chuffy at 9:29 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


HA HA he thinks straight guys don't ever get these used on them.
posted by Brocktoon at 9:43 PM on August 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm assuming these all have a vibranium core.
posted by Artw at 10:14 PM on August 10, 2013


Vibranium absorbs vibrations.
Seems to be a design flaw for a buzzy sex toy.
posted by Mezentian at 10:28 PM on August 10, 2013


Anti-Vibranium.
posted by Artw at 10:39 PM on August 10, 2013


No, no. Thor ith how you feel afterwardth.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:50 PM on August 10, 2013 [12 favorites]


I'd probably pass on The Hulk though.

Just remember to breathe. It only hurts at first, anyway.
posted by hippybear at 10:51 PM on August 10, 2013


The Gambit developed problems if you left it on charge for too long. Results not pretty; there's been a product recall.

And I hear the Kitty Pryde is terrible. You can't even feel it going in.

Of course, not all of the X range is a waste of money. The Rogue, for example, is guaranteed to leave you limp and exhausted after even moderate contact.
posted by the latin mouse at 11:42 PM on August 10, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Rogue also left you in a dissociative state. And the Doctor Strange and Scarlet Witch prototypes left you feeling strangely unaffected upon trying them out, but had already gotten you with extradimensional orgasmic experiences long before you'd even heard of or decided to enter into the product trials.
posted by christopherious at 12:50 AM on August 11, 2013


"HULK SORRY"
"It's OK, Hulk, it happens to everybo..."
"HULK JUST SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME"
"Um...look, I..."
"NEXT TIME HULK NEED MORE CUDDLING FIRST"
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:32 AM on August 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


I am so sad these aren't real.

Those would sell so wildly that America's manufacturing force could come back within a year.

Well, you know...if you build them, they will come.

(Sorry.)
posted by ilana at 1:53 AM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


There really should be a Bruce Banner.

Quiet, kinda unprepossessing, but, man, it knows exactly what to do.

Oh, wait. It could have some sort of inflater and then you hit a switch and there you go, suddenly everything's bigger and a bit more green.
posted by Katemonkey at 2:03 AM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Metafilter : Unlimited Choice Paralysis
posted by fullerine at 2:50 AM on August 11, 2013


I feel the Battlin' Bantam needs a mention.

Nobody says no to the Gamecock.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:05 AM on August 11, 2013


Clench up, Legolas!
posted by Ber at 3:31 AM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Man, it strikes me as a bit sad that the porn version of the Avengers does a better job at having high-powered super hero women on the team. I mean, I understand they're there for obvious reasons, but I would love to see Ms. Marvel in the mainstream version.
posted by KirTakat at 6:06 AM on August 11, 2013


Man, it strikes me as a bit sad that the porn version of the Avengers does a better job at having high-powered super hero women on the team. I mean, I understand they're there for obvious reasons, but I would love to see Ms. Marvel in the mainstream version

Yeah, and that trailer for Avengers XXX looks halfway informed. Bitching about their building compared to the Baxter Building. That's not bad. I only hope, given Whedon's penchant for strong women, we'll continue to see more in the Marvel features to come.
posted by Ber at 8:21 AM on August 11, 2013


christopherious: "Not listed: WONDER TWINS - Wireless Vibrator for Couples"

Get's ya good 'n wet.
posted by symbioid at 8:53 AM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd like to formally change my Mr. Fantastic sex toy nomination to anal beads: long, flexible, anal.
posted by dinty_moore at 8:54 AM on August 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Oh, wait. It could have some sort of inflater and then you hit a switch and there you go, suddenly everything's bigger and a bit more green.

I have read Avengers fanfiction based on this premise.
posted by not that girl at 9:18 AM on August 11, 2013


> No, no. Thor ith how you feel afterwardth.

"You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"
posted by sourcequench at 9:22 AM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I, too, came looking for the Emma Peel butt plug, and left disappointed.

I've said too much.
posted by Decani at 10:23 AM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]



I am so sad these aren't real.

....Give it time.


You were saying? (SUPER NSFW)

I'm not going to lie, I want to be the person who is paid to come up with the marketing material for these:
GoodHead City needs a hero and Bruce Wang is just the man for the job!
posted by fight or flight at 2:51 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Fun fact: Pervy X-men villain turned X-Man Emma Frost is based on the time Emma Peel infiltrated the Hellfire Club in the non-comics Avengers. Because Claremont.
posted by Artw at 2:59 PM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Claremont was a swinger, no?
Not surprising.

(Swinger parties, Spiderman's web shooters......)
posted by Mezentian at 6:39 AM on August 12, 2013


I, too, came looking for the Emma Peel butt plug, and left disappointed.

Then you need to Ride The STEED.
posted by Mezentian at 6:40 AM on August 12, 2013


You were saying? (SUPER NSFW).
I am sad The Caped Cock doesn't reference the Black Panther.
posted by Mezentian at 6:41 AM on August 12, 2013


nobody says no to the Gamecock!”

Because they are TITttering.
posted by Mezentian at 7:18 AM on August 12, 2013




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