Headline words sure to attract your attention: "testical-biting"
August 13, 2013 3:20 AM   Subscribe

The presence of the Pacu, a Piranha like fish, has resulted in a warning to people, specifically men, swimming in the Danish/Swedish strait of Oresund.

Sold as a "vegetarian Piranha", the Pacu loves to (I really hate to say this, but facts are facts), crack open nuts (nuts as in seeds, that is), and is evidently mistaking male swimmers testicals as, well, nuts. Because the fish's growth is not constrained by the size of the tank, owners of cute little Pacuettes find that they just continue to grow, to as big as three feet long and 55 pounds, and, what do you do with a fish too big to keep, you set that little guy free in the local waterway or lake.

"Oresund", you say, "well, what are the chances I'm going swimming there?", you say. Slim to none, probably, but please note that these little buggers (with teeth that look human, to make it even worse) have also been found in Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Georgia, Iowa, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Main, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Sourth Carolina, Texas, Utah, Washington, Wisconsin, and Wyoming.

It's nickname? It's often affectionately referred to as "The Ball Cutter", and are allegedly responsible for at least two cases of death-by-castration in Papua, New Guinea.

"Jaws" has kept you out of the Ocean since 1975, now Pacu can keep you out of the freshwater lakes and rivers! Well, if you're a guy, that is.
posted by HuronBob (53 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
So it exists in a strait in Sweden and about 40 states in the US? That's an odd (and US-centric, I might add) distribution.
Given that they are native to South America and have also been found in New Guinea, the correct assumption about their distribution is:
They are Everywhere!
posted by vacapinta at 3:30 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


That "teeth" link needs a nightmare warning.
posted by dogwalker at 3:44 AM on August 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


I've eaten Pacu in South America, and it is a tasty fish. Apparently in Communist Sweden, though, Pacu eat you!
posted by drlith at 3:46 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Residents of of the state formally known as Maine, yes, we've removed the "e" from your state's name, it was unnecessary, please correct all of the signs to read "Welcome to Main", thank you.
posted by HuronBob at 3:51 AM on August 13, 2013 [9 favorites]


Apparently, the truism that "no one knows where to find Rhode Island" also applies to these fish. I am ok with this state of affairs, and will certainly not be giving them directions.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:09 AM on August 13, 2013




Orsesund, 40 US states and somehow killed two people in Papua, New Guinea? I think the real danger of these fish is their teleporter technology.
posted by DU at 4:21 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Fortunately, West Virginia is not on the list, so I will continue my skinny dipping streak there tomorrow. Of course, the river near my place is infested with canoes and scouts, so the bigger problem, if one's been so cavalier as to lose track of the time and stretch an early morning skinny dip into a mid-morning skinny dip, is being trapped in the river because getting out means running awkwardly across seventy-five feet of shallows to the bank while legions of boaters snicker by.

At least my undercarriage will survive, though.
posted by sonascope at 4:22 AM on August 13, 2013


Your testicals are safe in Main!
posted by spitbull at 4:24 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]






Orsesund, 40 US states and somehow killed two people in Papua, New Guinea? I think the real danger of these fish is their teleporter technology.
posted by DU at 7:21 AM on August 13 [+] [!]


I think the poster was generously crediting you with the ability to make a reasonable inference.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:44 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


So it exists in a strait in Sweden and about 40 states in the US?

Salt water and fresh water? As I was just this past weekend swimming in the (salt water) Kattegatt, this caught my attention. Wikipedia says:

"Pacus inhabit most rivers and streams in the Amazon and Orinoco river basins of lowland Amazonia, where they form part of the highly diverse Neotropical fish fauna. They have also recently been found in the riverine systems of Papua New Guinea, where it is believed the fish has been introduced to aid the local fishing industry. In August 2013 a Pacu was discovered in Scandinavian waters, a fisherman pulled a 21 cm specimen from Øresund Sound off Sweden's south coast."

OK so one fish pulled from the narrow straight south of the Kattegatt doesn't an epidemic make. The jellyfish on the other hand were too many to count.
posted by three blind mice at 4:46 AM on August 13, 2013


why is everyone spelling it that way
posted by sidereal at 5:16 AM on August 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


It is too damn early to see human fish teeth.
posted by Fig at 5:25 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Men do well to keep their equipment contained while in water.

30 years ago, while skinny-dipping with a friend in a remote swimming hole where there happened to be trout, my friend suddenly let out a shriek (I swear to this day this actually happened), levitated and ran across the surface of the water to the shore, where he cautiously examined his member, now bleeding from an obvious fish bite.

My jokes about resemblance to a worm did not go over well.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:26 AM on August 13, 2013 [6 favorites]


Anyone can claim anything crazy they want about Papua New Guinea. Unless you're Jared Diamond you won't be sued for making shit up.
posted by spitbull at 5:39 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Tennessee is safe thank god for that.
posted by jquinby at 5:43 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


noooooooooooooooooooooooo
posted by jquinby at 5:47 AM on August 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


why is everyone spelling it that way

How else would you spell "it"?
posted by HuronBob at 5:52 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Tennessee is safe thank god for that.

Yeah we just learned something new about God.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:53 AM on August 13, 2013


It is too damn early to see human fish teeth.

You say that like there is a correct time to see human fish teeth, like only after five or something.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:54 AM on August 13, 2013 [10 favorites]


It's always a good idea to tie a pair of truck nuts to your swim suit as a decoy before going into the water.
posted by orme at 6:14 AM on August 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


I don't know about in Sweden but in South America some species of Pacu grow to the size of manhole covers and are almost as heavy. And indeed have human teeth...
posted by jim in austin at 6:23 AM on August 13, 2013


Oh lord no.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:48 AM on August 13, 2013


NOPES TO INFINITY
posted by louche mustachio at 6:53 AM on August 13, 2013


I don't even have a peen and I don't wanna click any of these links. FISH ARE MONSTERS WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER BELIEVE ME.
posted by elizardbits at 7:41 AM on August 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


Your testicals are safe in Main

The pain in Maine is rarely near the tain...t.
posted by yoink at 7:44 AM on August 13, 2013 [7 favorites]


I'm starting to think that, before you purchase any kind of pet fish (or anything other than a dog or cat, for that matter), you should have to read a nice long treatise on the damage invasive species do in the environment. Really read it and complete a test, not just 'yeah whatever' it like a EULA. And at the end, you have to sign a statement that allows angry biologists to hunt you down and feed you to a swarm of angry Pacu if you ever are caught releasing unwanted pets into the wild.
posted by Mitrovarr at 7:44 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


From the source at the University of Copenhagen: Piratfisk-panik i Øresund. And English version. The Danish tabloid BT is having more fun with it. Man on the beach interviews and a feature on a concerned aquarium keeper who did a swim demo with the Pacu, to show "at de lader mine testikler i fred" ("they let my testicles in peace"). Also English language weekly Copenhagen Post has Testicle-chomping fish found in Øresund.

I can't believe I spent 20 minutes of my morning researching a Silly Season article about scrotum-munching fish. Metafilter: Piratfisk-panik.
posted by Nelson at 7:46 AM on August 13, 2013


The pain in Maine is rarely near the tain...t.


This made the last 5 minutes of leg crossing totally worth it.

Also, Pacunado! 'Nuff said
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:54 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ugh, that fish wins the contest for disturbing teeth, xenomorphs be damned.
posted by Iosephus at 7:57 AM on August 13, 2013


MCMikeNamara: "Also, Pacunado! 'Nuff said"

APACULYPSE NOW
posted by jquinby at 8:01 AM on August 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


If I had lizardbits I'd still be worried.
posted by spitbull at 8:19 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think you mean APACULIPS OW.
posted by spitbull at 8:20 AM on August 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


Two years ago, I found one of these, dead, on the shores of the Hudson River (on Dennings Point near Beacon, about an hour north of Manhattan). I remember I said to Mr. Squirrel, "Honey, doesn't this look like a piranha?" I thought it was weird and cool, so I took a picture. Then we got home and researched it, at which point I said to Mr. Squirrel, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A FUCKING PIRANHA IN THE GODDAM HUDSON RIVER."
posted by flyingsquirrel at 8:21 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry, I mean, I understand the whole "holy shit, human teeeeeeeth" thing, but I can't hate on pacus.

They just look so stupid. I mean, LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE. And hi there! and this little brofest and hey guys you got any weed?

I just can't hate them. I look at their little faces, and I'm all "Oh my god, you look so dumb I want to spend all day staring at you and loving you."

(then again, I am known for loving very stupid fish)
posted by Katemonkey at 8:25 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


and this little brofest

First Fish: Morning.
Second Fish: Morning.
Third Fish: Morning.
Fourth Fish: Morning.
Third Fish: Hey, look - Howard's being eaten.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:35 AM on August 13, 2013


Dude, the hell with that fish!
posted by Mister_A at 9:17 AM on August 13, 2013


I wonder if this savage seabeast is a relative to... the dreaded Candiru!
posted by FatherDagon at 9:43 AM on August 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


You say that like there is a correct time to see human fish teeth, like only after five or something.

No, no, he meant too early in the Plan. The Transformation is not supposed to begin for at least another fifteen years.
posted by threeants at 10:37 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


That a (supposed) male deity created the male package outside the body, and then created a Candiru and a Piranha, indicates that the universe has a decidedly wicked sense of humor.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:51 AM on August 13, 2013


Swedish fish ate my balls.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:17 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have a vision of a platter.

And on it, are Swedish meat...
balls.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:23 AM on August 13, 2013


The first thing I thought when I saw some of the big pacu pictures was "hey, those look like the silver dollar fish in my mom's tank when I was a kid" and sure enough, they are closely related per wikipedia.
posted by immlass at 11:56 AM on August 13, 2013


Sounds like this is getting debunked about as fast as it became a "story":

Scandinavian men can return to the water: testicle-eating fish is a myth

One was caught, and they're vegetarians. Your (fleshy) nuts are safe. Walnuts maybe not.
posted by Big_B at 12:31 PM on August 13, 2013


NICE TRY PACUS
posted by jquinby at 12:49 PM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


Nice try, debunker, but the statement "Its teeth and powerful bite can for sure be dangerous, but to meet one here and [have it bite you] is highly unlikely, of course.", using the term "highly unlikely" is NOT enough to get many men to go commando in your strait of Oresund. You can pretty much bet the word they are searching for is "impossible".
posted by HuronBob at 1:17 PM on August 13, 2013


I've seen many an alligator gar in Texas lakes, but I'll still swim there if it's hot enough. It's highly unlikely they're gonna bite me or my boys.
posted by Big_B at 2:18 PM on August 13, 2013


Pacu are actually omnivores but seem to prefer a vegetarian diet. But if they get hungry enough they will eat anything, including mountain oysters...
posted by jim in austin at 5:51 PM on August 13, 2013


So I am going to go ahead and assume that the way you spelled testicle as "testical" is like how sometimes people used to sometimes deliberately misspell their loved ones' names on tombstones. Like if you spell it wrong, it can't be really real.

(This also applies to Main(e).)
posted by BlueJae at 7:21 PM on August 13, 2013


I wonder if this savage seabeast is a relative to... the dreaded Candiru!

Oh no, what if they join forces?
posted by homunculus at 1:40 AM on August 14, 2013




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