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August 20, 2013 4:32 PM   Subscribe

Lorem ipsum for Online Dating
posted by mulligan (125 comments total) 44 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'm an enormous man-child I'm just in town for the night.

I'm pretty sure this was the title of a Mark Leyner novel
posted by ook at 4:34 PM on August 20, 2013 [13 favorites]


Well, I lost The Game in two clicks...
posted by CitoyenK at 4:35 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I've been meaning to re-do my POF profile. 88 paras of this is more than I could've hoped for!

TIA for all the TnA I'm about to get.
posted by carsonb at 4:39 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Optimistic recently moved back I don't really like talking about myself if you like my profile whatever topic is on NPR, Netflix Family Guy my height and shoulders my favorite word is whiskey.

1000 monkeys, ect....
posted by lattiboy at 4:42 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


"...it's very hard to meet quality women for real though my wife."

I imagine so.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:43 PM on August 20, 2013 [12 favorites]


It's missing the"Masc & Musc", "straight acting" ":No fats, femmes" , "enjoying everything the city has to offer" and "NO DRAMA!!!!" bits for a gay dating site, but it's mostly there.
posted by The Whelk at 4:43 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]


Open letter to all of my matches ever, apparently: Listen, fuckers. I use the Oxford comma every day at work. I love that little guy. THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S WORTH TALKING ABOUT IN YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE jesus christ why does everyone do this
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:45 PM on August 20, 2013 [24 favorites]


Well-built Juggalo I won't bite without permission I hope there are good girls left. I am currently addicted to you should message me that just proves my point I am oddly aroused by ages 18 - 22, you're going to be trained to my satisfaction my lizard tongue looking for a third dive bars I am a hoarder, but only of top shelf stuff.

Odds are good that I've actually worked with this dude at some point.
posted by jquinby at 4:51 PM on August 20, 2013 [11 favorites]


There's really nothing like modern dating profiles to make you convinced the human race should be sterilized and herded into camps.
posted by The Whelk at 4:53 PM on August 20, 2013 [19 favorites]


Talking about the Oxford comma in your dating profile is a thing? Man...we are living in strange times.
posted by yoink at 4:53 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


...it's like they are all lyrics to the greatest indie-rock song of all time.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 4:54 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Talking about the Oxford comma in your dating profile is a thing?

Totally. It's prevented a lot of potential romantic confusion for my boyfriend, Ted and Jim.
posted by cortex at 4:57 PM on August 20, 2013 [56 favorites]


MeTa
posted by carsonb at 4:57 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Greetings M'lady,

/doffs fedora.

A few things to start with :] 1. Yes, I messaged you because you are female that uses an Oxford comma, 'this and awesome thing to see 2. I'm Ad hominem. 3. Don't be intimidated I am not a stereo typical guy. If anything I will be the one in the kitchen :D.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:58 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]


Talking about the Oxford comma in your dating profile is a thing?

It is a dog whistle. Sideways.
posted by srboisvert at 4:59 PM on August 20, 2013


I'm the last of a dying breed because I am a paradox with morals
posted by yoink at 4:59 PM on August 20, 2013


There's really nothing like modern dating profiles to make you convinced the human race should be sterilized and herded into camps.

Honestly it was the people who think that humans should be involuntarily sterilized that made me so frustrated with online dating. The "should IQ tests be required for people to reproduce" question was one of about 3 OKC questions I consistently used to weed out bad matches.
posted by NoraReed at 5:01 PM on August 20, 2013 [22 favorites]


I'm an enormous man-child working on my screenplay polyamory if you like I'm a nice guy, you need a real man The Game Ayn Rand I'm a big fan of crying in my bathtub.

It's funny because it's true!

The crazy ipsum also reminds me: the first dude I talked to on OKCupid seemed fun and clever, and then just as we were setting up a date he said something along the lines of "I'm a skinny 170 and if you weigh more than 80% of that it's not good" and I was like "listen fucker I had an eating disorder" and blocked his ass. I'd totally forgotten about that! Wherever that guy is today, I... don't really care.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:05 PM on August 20, 2013 [12 favorites]


It is a dog whistle

So far as I can tell, 80% of any given OkCupid profile are dog whistles or red flags or both. I guess that makes a lot of sense given it's explicitly mating display-behaviour, but it sure does make for strange reading.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:06 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


if you have to look it up don't bother my wife.

The wife must be a librarian. A cranky one.
posted by not that girl at 5:06 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I actually feel compelled to generate pages and pages from this thing, and rid my profile of all of everything that appears in it. Even if I DO like Breaking Bad and whiskey.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:13 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


This really needs to be mashed up with Lorem Gibson.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:14 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


This really needs to be mashed up with Lorem Gibson.

Was expecting Mel Gibson, boo hiss
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:18 PM on August 20, 2013


My favorite was: "Ask me anything recently moved back Werner Herzog thinking about trying yoga."

Which probably explains why I lasted an entire week on OK Cupid before my brain started screaming "NO NEVER NO MAKE IT STOP."

I know online dating works for many people. And I'm glad! Good for them! That's how my brother met his wife and they'll be together forever! I know plenty of success stories.

But for me, it just kind of felt overwhelming and horrifying. I like meeting people, despite being an introvert, but it was just too much for me and not anything I wanted to devote the time to.

I like my friends. I'm happy with my life. I'm totally fine with not bothering with all of this. I think I'd prefer the 5 cats and 7 dogs I'll probably end up with anyway.
posted by darksong at 5:18 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


Hey, you like dogs and cats too? Msg me!
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:20 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


I live in constant amazement of nature
and the universe my last partner told me
my last partner told me

I'm the last of a dying breed with lots of self-
respect someone to provide for you
it's very hard to meet
quality women I won't bite
without permission

staying up late most cats
eventually love me
there's no such thing as a typical
Friday night I will tell you
stories forever keep up
with me

(It almost works.)
posted by Sequence at 5:21 PM on August 20, 2013 [10 favorites]


carsonb: "MeTa"

I'm not sure if this is just a joke because of the timing of the two posts, but to be clear my MeTa question is unrelated to this post and was awkward and difficult enough for me to ask without having it linked to a post about joke profiles.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:22 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Bob Pollard could write some awesome singles with this.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:24 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


The crazy one seems to be better than the sane one at accidentally spitting out at least semi-grammatical sentences.

living on sailboats is probably a conspiracy if you have an innie belly button

I've been told if you have an innie belly button there's no such thing as a typical Friday night

years ago I discovered crying in my bathtub

you should be clean and intelligent at least once a day

Heyy for real though I love the smell of Juggalo
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 5:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Fifth word of the first paragraph is "cosplay"

Yeah, that sounds about right for me
posted by jpolorolu at 5:26 PM on August 20, 2013


Bikes Breaking Bad road trips Woody Allen foreign films Infinite Jest.

Stare into the Markov chain, and the Markov chain stares right back at you.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 5:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]


I am oddly aroused by looking for a third documentary filmmaker
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 5:27 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


Finishing my novel motorcycle collection looking for adventure shotgunning beers. P90X my other half on my fetish list that was a joke, by the way I'm a big fan of, pics on request you should be clean and intelligent cosplay with lots of self-respect performance art. Dive bars looking for a third I'm an enormous man-child I did a lot of modeling work in the mid-80s if you like keep up with me.


"Success! At long last, we have created the Ur-Jerkbag. There will be a champagne toast in the lounge following our creation's summary drowning in concrete. We will use the remnants to finally create the vaccine we've been searching for for so long. To Science!"
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:29 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Bald is sexy on the first date performance art that's what she said please post your real pictures I don't really read much these days.

In fact I've decided we can just shut down the Internet now as this is plenty
posted by ook at 5:31 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


"At least once a day you need a real man clubbing"

Well who doesn't?
posted by Itaxpica at 5:32 PM on August 20, 2013 [8 favorites]


From Lorem Gibson, my new favorite thing: "bicycle bicycle sentient savant sunglasses" my god why do we even write words anymore the markov chains have it all taken care of we can just go relax
posted by ook at 5:33 PM on August 20, 2013 [8 favorites]


That was a joke, by the way I'm too lazy to keep typing you should message me with lots of self-respect.
posted by ook at 5:35 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Now you can't know if I'm composing these or just copy pasting markov word salad you're going to be trained to my satisfaction for real though it depends on the night. Laughing hysterically is pretty awesome pics on request
posted by ook at 5:36 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I hit the link, added a dash of crazy, hit the magic button, and the first sentence was... Libertarian! You need a real man
...and I closed the window and will never look again.
posted by eriko at 5:43 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


it's very hard to meet quality women because I am a paradox living on sailboats.
posted by echo target at 5:54 PM on August 20, 2013 [8 favorites]


"At least once a day you need a real man clubbing"

Well they are staying up all night to get lucky.
posted by The Whelk at 6:03 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


Itaxpica: ""At least once a day you need a real man clubbing"

Well who doesn't?
"

I think there's already an open thread on this in MeTa.
posted by jquinby at 6:16 PM on August 20, 2013


Unworthy of serious consideration but I only smoke when drinking my lizard tongue
posted by jeudi at 6:18 PM on August 20, 2013


The crazy ipsum also reminds me: the first dude I talked to on OKCupid seemed fun and clever, and then just as we were setting up a date he said something along the lines of "I'm a skinny 170 and if you weigh more than 80% of that it's not good" and I was like "listen fucker I had an eating disorder" and blocked his ass. I'd totally forgotten about that!

Ooh, are we doing OkCupid war stories? I got a bite from a woman who asked me point-blank in her very first message what my racial background was (my profile said White and Other) and then revealed she also didn't actually live in the city we were both listed under; she lived rather far out on the highway but didn't want to date suburbanites (hint: neither did I). (She also sent me a lengthy introductory message again, apparently unremembering, when I had a different account up [but with the same photos!] a year or two later.)
posted by threeants at 6:18 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Dagnabbit, you kids should have to find a sexy lady who knows her way around an Oxford comma the old fashioned way, like I did.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:23 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


The first time I clicked I was smugging it up right until I read the last line:

I'm just a regular guy Murakami video games if you're down to actually meet at some point bacon happy hour.

OH GODDAMMIT NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER
posted by the painkiller at 6:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Thirding for emphasis that most of OKCupid is the world's most boring intellectual dog whistles, Oxford comma and homonyms in particular.
posted by Apropos of Something at 6:39 PM on August 20, 2013


there's no such thing as a typical Friday night cosplay P90X,

Be the change you want to see in the world.
posted by kagredon at 6:54 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


Besides Vampire Weekend, I had no idea anyone else gave a shit about the Oxford Comma until I started reading OKC profiles. It appears that 80% of females (at least the ones that have a high match rating for me) hold it in very high regard.
posted by sideshow at 7:03 PM on August 20, 2013


Wait, explain the whole Oxford comma thing to someone who hasn't dated since 1994.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:06 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: I'm really good at complete lack of shame
posted by kagredon at 7:06 PM on August 20, 2013


It's like someone crossed fridge magnet poetry with my love life.
posted by Archelaus at 7:12 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


I live in constant amazement of nature
and the universe my last partner told me
my last partner told me

I'm the last of a dying breed with lots of self-
respect someone to provide for you
it's very hard to meet
quality women I won't bite
without permission

staying up late most cats
eventually love me
there's no such thing as a typical
Friday night I will tell you
stories forever keep up
with me



I live in constant amazement of nature
and I hear the universe in my voice's echo
my last partner, hold me

I'm the last of a dying breed
with slices of self-respect
someone to bleed for you
it's very hard to meet
quality specimens
I won't bite - without permission

staying up late
most cats eventually love me
there's no such thing as atypical Friday nights
I will tell you stories forever
keep up with me...


FIFY. Now it works. Reel in those fine specimens.
posted by Malice at 7:13 PM on August 20, 2013


It's very hard to meet quality women in my birthday suit looking for a third I should have grown up in the 40s.

I'm sorry, dude, but I don't think it was any easier back then
posted by kagredon at 7:15 PM on August 20, 2013


30 useful/hilarious Lorem Impsum generators
posted by blue_beetle at 7:17 PM on August 20, 2013


In my birthday suit throwing rocks at trains there's no such thing as a typical Friday night

If this isn't the first line of a Bukowski novel/poem, I don't know what is.
posted by CosmicRayCharles at 7:18 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


The creator of this is a buddy of mine in Philly who is FLIPPING HER SHIT over the sudden internet celebrity. Just FYI.
posted by SlepnerLaw at 7:21 PM on August 20, 2013 [11 favorites]


Thirding for emphasis that most of OKCupid is the world's most boring intellectual dog whistles, Oxford comma and homonyms in particular.

I suppose it's kind of people to nevertheless leave these things in their profile, so those attuned to more intellectually sophisticated dog whistles can properly discriminate.
posted by weston at 7:28 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


The creator of this is a buddy of mine in Philly who is FLIPPING HER SHIT over the sudden internet celebrity. Just FYI.

Yeah well the rest of us are busy being horrified by what this means for humanity, so I guess we're even.
posted by kiltedtaco at 7:32 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Rock Steady: "Wait, explain the whole Oxford comma thing to someone who hasn't dated since 1994."

The Oxford comma is one of those things that most educated (or, more specifically, language-adept) people know about and can drop a reference to into a profile as a signal they would like to date people with a similar background (e.g., language like "Message me if you're pro-Oxford comma, or if you fancy a good debate") Obviously, knowing what an Oxford comma is isn't necessarily an indicator of intelligence, or wisdom, or anything other than culturally-situated trivia. But that's why it seems sort of like a dog whistle, or a litmus test if you like.
posted by Apropos of Something at 7:37 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


...on my fetish list Ayn Rand...

Finally, I can admit it.
posted by Sing Fool Sing at 7:37 PM on August 20, 2013


[Stamping her foot] And how the children will temper a terribly jilted penny. A disapproving luggage makes one so bitter. [Puts his arm round her horse and wagon.] Dreadfully well-fetched with wooers, I hope? Yesterday it grew fondly and empty here. Make yourself acquainted with the world's dismay in the privacy of one's own cloud. Doubtless you'll be revenged a good strong psalm-book! [Half drunk] What a strange sort of hillock! It is just like an illness.

... Lorem Ibsen
posted by oulipian at 7:39 PM on August 20, 2013 [9 favorites]


Libertarian cosplay, no robots

I think I know this guy.
posted by hattifattener at 7:41 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


I am that guy
posted by ook at 7:48 PM on August 20, 2013


Wait, explain the whole Oxford comma thing to someone who hasn't dated since 1994.

1920: "I only date people who grew up rich or can fake it convincingly."
1980: "I only date people who went to an expensive college or can fake it convincingly."
2013: "I only date people who have a strong opinion on the Oxford comma or can fake it convincingly."
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 7:54 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


Librarian cosplay, familiarity with automated retrieval systems a plus
posted by wotsac at 7:58 PM on August 20, 2013


SlepnerLaw will you please tell your friend in Philly for me that I am proud of her and she has created actual art here.

Because she has. There is something in the combination of the desire and aspirations of the people included in this corpus, combined with the fact that it is well after all a corpus of text to be subjected to a mechanical stochasticicity, that reveals more than it should about our desires and aspirations and the grammar in which we attempt to express those desires and aspirations.

Seriously. Lauren Halldell, I, a complete internet stranger, would like to tell you that you did good work here.
posted by ook at 8:15 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


"Bald is sexy on the first date performance art that's what she said please post your real pictures I don't really read much these days"

In fact I've decided we can just shut down the Internet now as this is plenty

Hey, no cheating, you're supposed to take them from the website, not just use Underworld lyrics.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:20 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I am oddly aroused by looking for a third documentary filmmaker
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 8:27 PM on August 20 [4 favorites +] [!]


Eponysolved! At last!
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:32 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


"Home brewing whatever topic is on NPR Arrested Development working at a coffee shop. "

Cambridge!
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:37 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]


I live in constant amazement of nature and the universe crying in my bathtub lol.

I dated that guy right after college. Le sigh.
posted by rmless at 8:57 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


On my more cynical days I think the Oxford comma dog whistle is proxy for "I want to date a white person," but who knows really.
posted by naju at 9:20 PM on August 20, 2013


(In any event, race and class are definitely the elephants in the room that are charging through in loren ipsum gloriousness.)
posted by naju at 9:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why exactly is it so wrong to want to date someone educated? I'm not white, but yeah, I am looking for the kind of guy who thinks arguing about grammar is more fun than clubbing or playing video games all night. That doesn't make them bad people, but not really someone to spend all my time with.

I guess I am not sure why on Metafilter the idea is that people with any privilege at all deserved to be mocked. Looking for love is hard enough no matter who you are.
posted by dame at 9:36 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


But also: Rock climbing, guh.
posted by dame at 9:36 PM on August 20, 2013


Why exactly is it so wrong to want to date someone educated? I'm not white, but yeah, I am looking for the kind of guy who thinks arguing about grammar is more fun than clubbing or playing video games all night. That doesn't make them bad people, but not really someone to spend all my time with.

But like... what if they're dyslexic? Or English is their second language? Or they didn't do well in school for Life Reasons but are still brilliant and self-taught, but just never happened to learn the fancy names for grammar things (which is actually like half of my favorite people, now that I think about it)?

I'm a nerdy, overeducated bookworm, but my best relationships have been with people who I'm not sure could tell you what the Oxford comma is...
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:58 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I live in constant amazement of nature and the universe crying in my bathtub lol.

Shrooms, eh?
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:59 PM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I guess I am not sure why on Metafilter the idea is that people with any privilege at all deserved to be mocked.

I don't have a problem with this so much as "I have a certain sort of education that connotes privilege and a certain class, and I want to exclusively date other people that also have the same privilege and class, and I want to signal all that in a way that says as much without outright saying it." If you're not doing that, awesome. I just think plenty of people are. Myself included, most likely.
posted by naju at 10:00 PM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Isn't who people want to date kinda their business? :/
posted by Anything at 10:03 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sure. I'll think they're kinda shitty and contributing to shitty things in the world if they send a message like "whites only" or "no fat chicks" or any of a number of things that shallowly exclude great people. It's their prerogative though, absolutely, and who cares what I think!
posted by naju at 10:09 PM on August 20, 2013


NO

THEY MUST BE JUDGED AND FOUND WANTING
posted by elizardbits at 10:09 PM on August 20, 2013 [7 favorites]


You know where I learned what an Oxford comma is? That's right, Metafilter.

I already had enough privilege and now I got more. Thanks for nothing metafilter.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:11 PM on August 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


"I do well dating other shenanigans I tend to be attracted to my beard."

I might use that, actually.
posted by palomar at 10:40 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I guess I don't think of education the same way I do as race. Race or weight tells you exactly jack. Posting things that say "I am an overeducated bookworm looking for same," well that tells you who they are. Just like I don't want to date people who are way into their families, I don't want to date people who don't talk about punctuation sometimes.

It is however very possible I am feeling defensive because "overeducated bookworm" is pretty much my bar for entry and whenever I have second-guessed that, I have wound up disappointed. Not because they were terrible dudes, but because they were terrible *for me*.

I will note though my profile says nothing about grammar. But if you say "who cares" to the educational hoop-jumping questions, I will probably pass.
posted by dame at 10:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


As someone who is mixed-race and does not restrict his dating choices to any particular race, I think it's perfectly fine if people will date only whites or muscular people or vegetarians and/or indicate as much in their online dating profiles.

I don't understand your problem with it, naju. Why shouldn't people communicate their relational preferences in online dating profiles?
posted by mistersquid at 10:50 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think it's perfectly fine if people will date only whites or muscular people or vegetarians and/or indicate as much in their online dating profiles. I don't understand your problem with it, naju.

Man, I didn't want this to turn into an unfun derail about my Opinions! Like I said, they can do whatever they like, regardless if I judge them. But it's disingenuous to say that these all have the same effect and reasoning behind them. People of course can have reasonable preferences for vegetarianism or muscular physiques; one may be intellectually/ethically attractive, the other for well-established sexual reasons. But when people say things like "I'm only attracted to ___ skin color, and what can I do about that? You can't help who you're attracted to," it's fucked: a socially-conditioned blindness at best, proud bigotry at worst. At the very least, it's not something to announce to the world and all potential suitors. And when you do, lots of people who read your profile have their days ruined because they're reminded that so many people around them feel the same way. That's why I think it's not so great, but again, people can and will do whatever they want.
posted by naju at 11:25 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: A paradox Juggalo Ayn Rand.
posted by alby at 3:59 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Honestly it was the people who think that humans should be involuntarily sterilized that made me so frustrated with online dating. The "should IQ tests be required for people to reproduce" question was one of about 3 OKC questions I consistently used to weed out bad matches.

Hi there. 'Q: Which would do more to improve the world? A: Fewer stupid people' was one of these questions for me. However, one day I read a note under the answer saying something like 'More education for everyone would be great' and making the most out of such a question relieved some of the frustration I was dreading every time this came up.
posted by ersatz at 4:04 AM on August 21, 2013


I actually googled "full-contact beekeeping" in the vague hope that it might be real.
posted by Coobeastie at 5:15 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh, it is. Believe you me.
posted by jquinby at 5:17 AM on August 21, 2013


How about full FRONTAL beekeeping? (sfw, barely)
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:26 AM on August 21, 2013


And here I thought I was daring by going in there without gloves on. I've seen a guy working hives shirtless, but...holy cats.
posted by jquinby at 5:39 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


My beard recently moved back

...said half of Brooklyn
posted by rmless at 7:10 AM on August 21, 2013


Extreme Juggalo ultramarathons with lots of self-respect. My wife shotgunning beers

Oh haaaiiiiiiii!
posted by Theta States at 7:12 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


My beard recently moved back

Katie Holmes returned to LA?
posted by rmless at 7:12 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh no wait:
I'm the last of a dying breed when I get drunk it's huge I attract girls who are very good-looking, that means I am wonderful be my partner in crime if you have to look it up don't bother cosplay most cats eventually
posted by Theta States at 7:14 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Family is very important to me it depends on the night
I hear you, bro
posted by rmless at 7:15 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Neutral Milk Hotel
Just found the name of my new band

heyyy complete lack of shame
The name of our first album

you're going to be trained to my satisfaction with lots of self-respect
Title of our first single
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Neutral Milk Hotel
Just found the name of my new band


You know that IS a band right
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:31 AM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]


I know someone who thought David Levithan and John Green made up Neutral Milk Hotel for Will Grayson, Will Grayson.
posted by NoraReed at 9:35 AM on August 21, 2013


Why exactly is it so wrong to want to date someone educated? I'm not white, but yeah, I am looking for the kind of guy who thinks arguing about grammar is more fun than clubbing or playing video games all night. That doesn't make them bad people, but not really someone to spend all my time with.

Well, for one, many well-educated people don't give a shit about commas. Many intelligent people who have hobbies or interests besides "clubbing or playing video games all night" don't give a shit about commas.

My personal problem with it is the assumption that usually follows that intelligence = choice of leisure activities = quality and amount of education. If people want bookworm grammar-arguers, bully for them, but it so frequently comes with a condescending and judgmental classification of everyone who isn't a bookworm grammar-arguer as unintelligent, uninteresting, or incurious, and that irritates me like subject/verb disagreement irritates you.
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


So if I am reading you correctly, you are jumping to assumptions about why people like bookworm grammar arguers, viewing it through the lens of your own defensiveness and then blaming them for that? That seems ... less than optimal.

There are shallow, and more than that, just plain *young* people who believe in your little equation up there, sure. But the crux of what I'm talking about is the middle — "choice of leisure activities." I know smart people who play video games and can talk about them very intelligently. I still don't want to date them. I know smart people who love to watch sports and play beer pong; I know smart burners. But no, I don't want to date any of them. Which is utterly reasonable. And has nothing to do with my assumption of your worth.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
posted by dame at 10:44 AM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


But it's not like there's some bright line between "grammar nerd" and "person who's only into video games, sports, beer pong, and burners." What about a brilliant architect or biologist, or an inspiring teacher or youth counselor, or a great filmmaker or painter, or something? I'm all about grammar but it sounds like you think everyone who isn't, is some sort of uninspired loser hippie with no value to society...

(Also I happen to enjoy both commas AND beer pong, so your criteria would fail to filter me out, anyway!)
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:58 AM on August 21, 2013


So I'm a professional linguist, and I've got a huge amount of emotional investment staked on this arguing-about-grammar stuff. I've sacrificed a lot in order to keep doing it. I still enjoy it enough that I keep reading about it even in my free time.

Basically, okay, I hate the "find your passion" way of talking about career shit, but, yeah, dorky as it is to say it, this is my one true passion in life.

And yet I'm totally fine being married to someone who doesn't give two shits about grammar (either the descriptive kind or the prescriptive kind). So are most of the other linguists I know.

So, yeah, I find it pretty weird when other people use this stuff as a dating filter. It makes me wonder what else is going on, and makes me suspect pretty strongly that it's some kind of dogwhistle or shorthand. If the world was full of people who actually, literally, non-hyperbolically needed regular debate about grammatical minutiae in order to find someone attractive — well, I'd be running an escort service instead of teaching, you know?
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 11:48 AM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'll think they're kinda shitty and contributing to shitty things in the world if they send a message like "whites only" or "no fat chicks" or any of a number of things that shallowly exclude great people.

I once went on an OKCupid date with a lady who messaged me and seemed nice. After a couple of back-and-forths, we set up a time to go out for a drink. Yay! But then, shortly before the date, I looked through some of the answers she'd put in her list of questions, and saw that she'd marked:

"Is it important to you to date someone as the same race as you?"
with
"Yes - It's VERY important"

This woulda been troubling if she had indeed been the same race as me, but what made it more odd was that we appeared to be of different racial backgrounds. Still, she seemed nice enough, so I kinda shrugged it off. We went out, we had a great time, we spent a few hours talking, it went objectively really really well. Even though I would apparently taint her pure racial blood, I supposed.

So at the beginning of Date Two, I was like, "Hey, can I ask you about the race question on your OKCupid profile? Are you into me even though we're NOT the same race?"

"What?" she said.

"You put that it was VERY important for any potential date to be the same race as you. I... don't think I am?"

She looked HORRIFIED. "Holy SHIT, I put that?"

"Uh... yeah."

"OH MY GOD OH SHIT I MUST HAVE CLICKED THE WRONG ANSWER BY ACCIDENT" she said, looking like she wanted to crawl into a hole.

"oh! Well, that's fine, then." I shrugged.

"Wait, but you went out with me anyway?" she asked. "Did you just assume I clicked that on accident?"

"No," I said, "I figured you were probably racist as hell, but that I must be spectacular enough to singlehandedly cure you of it"

Anyway, later that night I checked her profile again, and the race answer had indeed been changed. And that's pretty much how I ended racism in America
posted by Greg Nog at 12:03 PM on August 21, 2013 [32 favorites]


And that's pretty much how I ended racism in America

That was you? Hey, thanks for that, man.
posted by yoink at 12:06 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


Me and Obama shook hands and then everyone bought each other a coke
posted by Greg Nog at 12:07 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


I don't like beer pong because I don't particularly like drinking warm flat beer with a filthy ping pong ball floating in it but I'm pretty damn good at flip cup. I should put that in my profile.
posted by Ad hominem at 12:09 PM on August 21, 2013


If the world was full of people who actually, literally, non-hyperbolically needed regular debate about grammatical minutiae in order to find someone attractive — well, I'd be running an escort service instead of teaching, you know?

"Suppose I wanted to have a party?" I said.

"Like, what kind of a party?"

"Suppose I wanted Noam Chomsky explained to me by two girls?"

posted by kagredon at 12:15 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I don't like beer pong because I don't particularly like drinking warm flat beer with a filthy ping pong ball floating in it but I'm pretty damn good at flip cup. I should put that in my profile.

We started filling the cups with water and just drinking our own cups of beer whenever we got scored on. Less gross that way.

Beer pong's not nearly as fun as drunkleship though. (Step one: set up two arrays of 100 dixie cups...)
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:15 PM on August 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm having trouble not reading "drunkleship" as an abstract noun, though. Drunklehood. Druncularity. The association or bond between two people who have been united by endrunkling.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 12:43 PM on August 21, 2013 [6 favorites]


Actually that's way more fun than beer pong too so never mind.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 12:48 PM on August 21, 2013


Neutral Milk Hotel
Just found the name of my new band

You know that IS a band right


This is cracking me up; I can't decide whether it's funnier if St. Peepsburg was joking, or if not. EITHER WAY IS AMAZING I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE
posted by threeants at 12:50 PM on August 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Maybe someone can answer this so I don't look quite so ignorant next okcupid date. What the fuck does Neutral Milk Hotel mean. I mean, whats the story behind the band name.

Obviously if this is going to up my privilege feel free to tell me it's meaningless.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:36 PM on August 21, 2013


So this is my last post on this because I am saying it badly, but I want to give it one more shot. I'm not saying "Omg I need someone to only talk about grammar or my lady boner breaks." Or "One must have all my interests!" Or even, the original suggestions of "You must be exactly my kinda class to ride this ride" or "All smart people care about grammar!" I'm saying those assumption kinda suck.

So, yeah, I find it pretty weird when other people use this stuff as a dating filter. It makes me wonder what else is going on, and makes me suspect pretty strongly that it's some kind of dogwhistle or shorthand. If the world was full of people who actually, literally, non-hyperbolically needed regular debate about grammatical minutiae in order to find someone attractive — well, I'd be running an escort service instead of teaching, you know?

You realize people aren't literally refusing to consider dating someone who has no opinion about commas, right? What they are really saying is they have found caring about books and being analytical in a way about that to the point you have an opinion on commas or em-dashes correlates to having other things in common. At most the bar might be "you seem like someone who cares about books in particular / education in general" and neither of those is a tragic, horrible dating requirement that only Nazis might have.

You don't care if your wife cares about your work and that's cool. I don't care if people I date have opinions about hamburger basements, because I talk to people about that shit all day long. I do care if they care about literature, because that is a thing I want in my life, as a leisure activity in particular.

But it's not like there's some bright line between "grammar nerd" and "person who's only into video games, sports, beer pong, and burners." What about a brilliant architect or biologist, or an inspiring teacher or youth counselor, or a great filmmaker or painter, or something? I'm all about grammar but it sounds like you think everyone who isn't, is some sort of uninspired loser hippie with no value to society...

That is again your projection. Video games? Burners? Sports-watching beer pongers? Those are my friends. Those are people I love dearly but don't wanna date. Some of them are even my exes. And that is my final point. You can have desires about who to date that aren't about anyone else's worth or social-climbing "brilliance" but are instead about what you want your days to be full of.

And taking those things or people's shorthand for them, whatever they are, and deciding it makes them classist, assumptive jerkfaces is a crappy thing to do. In my opinion.
posted by dame at 1:45 PM on August 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is cracking me up; I can't decide whether it's funnier if St. Peepsburg was joking, or if not. EITHER WAY IS AMAZING I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE

The really amazing thing is that Neutral Milk Hotel actually got their name from a Usenet Markov bot.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 2:04 PM on August 21, 2013


I don't care if people I date have opinions about hamburger basements

heads-up to other non-computer people: upon googling, it seems this is a computer display design thing and not a slang term for juicy genitals
posted by Greg Nog at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2013 [8 favorites]


Spoiler: http://laurenhallden.com/datingipsum/js/ok.js
posted by milnak at 4:42 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


The fixation on Oxford commas only bothers me because I'm a linguistic descriptivist at heart.
posted by malapropist at 5:13 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Please never again speak the phrase "juicy genitals". Thank you for your cooperation.
posted by elizardbits at 5:17 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Please never again speak the phrase "juicy genitals".

But how can I order my hamburgers now?
posted by yoink at 5:29 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I did honestly find that people who talk about how the English language is deteriorating or who are linguistic prescriptivists or whatever tend to be assholes and I don't want to date them, or generally probably hang out with them, because they tend to long for a long-past era when elitist white guys got to dictate what language is correct based on arbitrary rules stolen from Latin that aren't even followed by lots of the great writers, and those people can suck my enormous cock, right? I ran into them a lot when I worked at the bookstore, it's basically a flag that says "I'm smart and feel like my intelligence can only be validated by looking down on other people." It was really hard not to yell at these people when they start ranting about it to a bookstore clerk who they think will agree with them because they're also smart (and white and pretentious-looking, probably). I get the idea that these people also do this to people who are interested in linguistics, because they think they will get agreement, and it's fucking great when linguists take them the fuck down for not realizing that language is alive.

Oxford comma people generally seem to have a preference based on what they perceive as clarity-- the whole "eats, shoots, and leaves" thing-- but there are still a lot of people who care a lot about it that are in that elitist language camp.

Anyway, a lot of language related pretension can work really well as a red flag.
posted by NoraReed at 10:39 PM on August 21, 2013 [5 favorites]


When I picked this username I didn't realize I couldn't change it crying in my bathtub.

Glad I'm not the only one.
posted by Gringos Without Borders at 3:16 AM on August 22, 2013 [2 favorites]


So this is my last post on this because I am saying it badly, but I want to give it one more shot. I'm not saying "Omg I need someone to only talk about grammar or my lady boner breaks." Or "One must have all my interests!" Or even, the original suggestions of "You must be exactly my kinda class to ride this ride" or "All smart people care about grammar!" I'm saying those assumption kinda suck.


Then your writing has been very unclear. And for reference, I find the conflation of intelligence and love of arguing about grammar gratingly inaccurate, but not personally hurtful or any kind of reflection of my worth. I rarely worry that people will perceive me as uneducated. Both my parents have graduate degrees, so does my boyfriend. Not only that, I don't see education or intelligence as indicative of worth. It's not defensiveness or projection, it's that your writing was conveying the complete opposite of your apparent meaning. Ripping into me for that seems...not optimal.
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:22 AM on August 22, 2013


There are some of us who just love to play verbal ping pong and others who don't and education rarely determines that but good manners dictate that you at least acknowledge intelligence is not the factor that causes one to like/dislike an activity be it about grammar, politics or collecting beanie babies.
posted by OhSusannah at 6:41 PM on August 25, 2013


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