The growing publick Outcry over the North American BALD EAGLE grew ever more voluminous this week, as disgusted citizens demanded that the Congress act to address this INFESTATION of the nuisance Species, which has been such a Plague on Americans of late, and has recently become ever more so, due to its o'er-whelming Numbers, fear-less Personalitie, and nigh-unto-endless Range of Habitat, which extends from the farthest northern Climes to the southernmost realms of these newly united States.
Preparations for the military strike, dubbed Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm, are already underway. The Mothership is ready and on standby at Starchild Air Force Base in Detroit, where more than 5,000 bop gunners are making final preparations for deployment to the Persian Gulf. Clinton has also ordered an additional 2,500 Aquaboogie Amphibious Assault units to the Gulf, bringing the total P-Funk Nation military presence in the region to 23,000.
"The ants work very, very hard," said Youngstown, OH, 9-year-old Dylan Munns, who will someday work in the same grim Hormel meat-packing plant where his father now toils, as his father did before him. "They dig tunnels and carry heavy stuff all day long. Then they do it all over again the next day."
"They all look and act the same," said Newark, NJ, 10-year-old Darnell Booker, who, like Munns, will one day play the role of blue-collar worker in a society that rewards collectivism over individualism. "And there's no escape."
"On Friday, we showed Mr. Jenkins a series of images meant to elicit memories of times of great pain and confusion in his life," Holbrook said. "The first two events that came to the fore of his psyche were an incident in late 2000 when the screen froze just as he was about to set a new 'best lap' record on Wave Race 64, and his great-grandmother's funeral."
...last week my editor, Tony, said my handwriting looks like chicken scratch. He gave me two choices: get a computer or start laying some eggs! Boy, I sure did something to "ruffle his feathers," because then he threatened to "stuff" me with a pink slip and send me "clucking" down to the unemployment office. Talk about getting "henpecked." Sheesh! So I flew on down to the computer store— before things got really "fowl."
The Whelk: “How many poorly conceived satirical newspapers did The Onion inspire?
I mean even I wrote one.”
Jesus, This Week
Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation
Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement
For my birthday, Emily gave me the funniest coffee mug, perfect for Irish coffee. It has a little teddy bear on it with a "don't mess with me" look on his face, and it says, "Hand Over The Booze And Nobody Gets Hurt." I laughed so hard! That bear was just like me when I robbed the party store earlier this year!
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
..."For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."...
"I tell you, I've been spending so much time getting blanking plugs for the house's unused electrical outlets that I hardly even have time to make lists of other things to do," said former heart surgeon Gerald Jessop, 65, who admitted that he would like to be able to relax and enjoy his retirement, but with all the pictures to rearrange in his house it is nearly impossible. "And don't get me started on my how many hours I have to spend cleaning the mildew out of the bird feeder. Christ, that's a full-time job in and of itself."
"I looked at the calendar yesterday, and I couldn't believe my eyes—9/11 is almost here!" a rosy-cheeked Cheney said upon returning to the White House Sunday with two giant bags overflowing with gift-wrapped boxes and big red bows. "It's the most wonderful time of the year."
"I just kept shouting, 'The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!' and so forth, but they just went right on dancing, insisting that they didn't need any of our water and that we should let the motherfucker burn."
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