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Area Man Realizes He's Been Reading Fake News For 25 Years
August 29, 2013 7:46 AM   Subscribe

Its been 25 years of the ONION 25 years of the best news reporting around from America's Finest News Source.

Some Favorites:

Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

Experts Point To Long, Glorious History Of Successful U.S. Bombing Campaigns

Long Live the ONION!!!!
posted by TheLittlePrince (223 comments total) 107 users marked this as a favorite

 
We'll never be just eyeballs to them*.

* Okay, yeah, probably.
posted by Artw at 7:51 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


My favorite:

Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis
posted by TheLittlePrince at 7:52 AM on August 29, 2013 [11 favorites]


The Onion is no longer available in print here in Madison, WI.

These are dark days, my friends.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 7:55 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]


Two of my favorites from long ago:

Burt Reynolds Lives Like a Princess

An Open Letter To A Starving Child

I miss T. Herman Zweibel.
posted by Vendar at 7:58 AM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


One that has stuck with me, from March '99:

U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through the Motions for Yet Another Day

It's the clear-eyed sadness tipping into despair (Todd Hanson's voice, really, though Scott Dikkers looks to know something about that, too) that has set it apart for me, and why I still check in from time to time.
posted by ryanshepard at 7:59 AM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


Let's not forget: Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Remember when the onion was updated irregularly?
posted by frecklefaerie at 8:00 AM on August 29, 2013 [20 favorites]


I'm shocked no one mentioned this, which pretty much graduated from just being "An Onion Headline" to being one of the most poignant things I read in late 2001:

God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:03 AM on August 29, 2013 [33 favorites]


First time I saw The Onion was in 1995 or 96 when print editions started showing up in Denver. One of my college roommates had cut an article out and pinned it to the wall - the headline was "CLINTON: WE NEED ANOTHER VIETNAM." And I seriously did not know if it was true or not for several minutes after reading the whole story. Been hooked ever since.

Can't find that story online, though. Maybe some of the early print stuff didn't make the electronic archives? Some of my favorite older stories:

-Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size
-New High-Viscosity Mayonnaise To Aid In American Swallowing
-Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts
posted by mattbucher at 8:04 AM on August 29, 2013


Garage Band Actually Believes There Is A 'Terre Haute Sound'

Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store

37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster
posted by griphus at 8:04 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON THE FUCKING MOON

Neil Armstrong's historic first words on the moon: "Holy Living Fuck!!"

posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 8:07 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]


The Onion's masterpiece, as far as I'm concerned, is Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'.

On a lighter note, I miss Jim Anchower. It's been a while since he rapped at us.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:07 AM on August 29, 2013 [50 favorites]


In junior year of high school an English teacher wrote a note on an essay I wrote that I should " write for the Onion." . I hadn't heard of it so I looked it In the computer lab when I shuld've been eating lunch and then I was reprimanded for laughing so hard and disturbing the other students.
posted by The Whelk at 8:07 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton
posted by griphus at 8:07 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land

I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat
posted by Flamingo at 8:08 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Well my productivity today is fucked.

These are my two favorites of the Onion's post-9/11 reporting, after the Do-Not-Kill Rule article.
posted by Aizkolari at 8:09 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


WA-
HEADLINE CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

posted by The Card Cheat at 8:10 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Looking back at it all, I'm still most amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.
posted by Iridic at 8:11 AM on August 29, 2013 [19 favorites]


I haven't read an actual article in years, but the headlines continue to crack me up.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:12 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


My favorite was the fake headline that read "Largemouth bass has Largemouth Sass. More on page 4"
posted by ian1977 at 8:12 AM on August 29, 2013 [10 favorites]


Can't link to them from work, but my personal favorites:

Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

Black Guy Asks Nation for Change
(and then)
Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

And the one that even they wouldn't run after 9/11:

"America Stronger Than Ever," Quadragon Officials Insist
posted by Etrigan at 8:12 AM on August 29, 2013 [22 favorites]


The Onion is no longer available in print here in Madison, WI.

These are dark days, my friends.


Indeed, I'm glad the property still exists and happy for the success they've had online and with books (not to mention their influence on comedy culture in general, which is endless) but man--reading a copy cover-to-cover after my shift ended at Pizza Hut on state st., drinking a leinies and chowing down a company pasta laughing and laughing, recognizing the locations they'd drop into articles and people from the rock scene whose pictures they'd use dozens of times under fake names...it was a wonderful thing, and made it all the funnier, even when I moved away from WI and read the paper version elsewhere it would always have that flinty Midwestern edge to it. It's still good, but it's not the same.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:13 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


The one I refer to all the time: Report: 90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles
posted by dywypi at 8:13 AM on August 29, 2013 [17 favorites]


I thought their response to the Newtown shooting was perfectly done, and really moving.
posted by jbickers at 8:13 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]


The Onion has done a lot of great stuff over the years. One of my personal faves of recent vintage was this, in the wake of the Penn State situation.
posted by nubs at 8:16 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Post Newtown: Report: It's Okay To Spend Rest Of Day Curled In Fetal Position Under Desk
posted by sparklemotion at 8:16 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Christ Returns to NBA
posted by the painkiller at 8:16 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness
posted by Diagonalize at 8:17 AM on August 29, 2013 [18 favorites]


Area Man Realizes He's Been Reading Fake News For 25 Years

Make that Metafilter's own Area Man.
 
posted by Herodios at 8:18 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


The Ask colums never get any love, and they are the best.

Ask The Dauphin is a goddamned cultural touchstone.
posted by The Whelk at 8:19 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


It really is weird when reality intersects with satire. Christ, that was almost exactly a year ago.
posted by psoas at 8:19 AM on August 29, 2013


Area Students Prepare Breasts For Increased Springtime Display
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:21 AM on August 29, 2013


Hanging on the wall of my freshman dorm room, I had a big (unframed) print of HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON THE FUCKING MOON.

On the second day I lived there, my roommate's mother walked into the room, stared at the poster for several seconds, and angrily exclaimed "That's not what happened!"

This was about the time I realized my roommate and I might come from different worlds. Thus also was my love for The Onion ever cemented.
posted by Mayor West at 8:22 AM on August 29, 2013 [11 favorites]


Here are my faves. . .

Dolphins Develop Opposable Thumbs

Homosexual Recruitment Drive Nearing Goal
posted by Danf at 8:22 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


"On TV Tonight," from the post-9/11 issue. (Among the highlights are, "Yo! MTV Extends Its Condolences." Lifetime is running a "Golden Girls" marathon.)
posted by raysmj at 8:23 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


The article that stands out most in my mind was the one they wrote upon DFW's death, it was in some ways the best obit written for him: NASCAR Cancels Remainder Of Season Following David Foster Wallace's Death"
posted by bfootdav at 8:25 AM on August 29, 2013 [13 favorites]


Let's not forget the downright prophetic Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'.

I also enjoy every time something flares up, people start angrily discussing The Onion's political agenda. There are people graring out right now about its hawkishness on Syria, which is just amazingly hilarious.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:25 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


One of the highlights of our day is when my husband takes the days's Onion calendar page out his pocket at dinner and we all get to laugh together. Mondays are the best because we get 3 days!
posted by Biblio at 8:25 AM on August 29, 2013


"Yo! MTV Extends Its Condolences."

So on 9/11, I was in high school in Brooklyn, and they told everyone to go home and we all slowly made our ways home on the train. By the time I got home, I was, like done with all the Horrible News and literally the only channel I could watch was MTV, because they were playing nothing but music videos (all the other channels had "news" which at that point was speculation at best,) interrupting them only ever ten or fifteen minutes for, well, basically "Yo! MTV Extends Its Condolences."
posted by griphus at 8:26 AM on August 29, 2013 [8 favorites]


On a lighter note, I miss Jim Anchower. It's been a while since he rapped at us.

We lost a giant when Herbert Kornfeld fell. Time was, his name would ring out.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:29 AM on August 29, 2013 [23 favorites]


HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON THE FUCKING MOON

Neil Armstrong's historic first words on the moon: "Holy Living Fuck!!"

Hanging on the wall of my freshman dorm room, I had a big (unframed) print of HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON THE FUCKING MOON.


I have the t-shirt version, which is understandably not broken out all that much.

Let me tell you, there's nothing like walking into a small-town North Carolina family restaurant on a Sunday morning, populated entirely by white people over the age of 65, and suddenly realizing that is the shirt you grabbed when you woke up hungover and thought it would be a good idea to wake-and-bake.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:30 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


As an adult woman who's been reading The Onion since junior high, I remain concerned about pregnancy, and I hope my baby don't come out all fucked-up and shit.
posted by timetoevolve at 8:31 AM on August 29, 2013 [17 favorites]


I watched so much MTV in fall of 2001.

Best music videos for feeling better:

1. Feeling on Your Booty - R Kelly
2. Island In The Sun -- Weezer
3. When It's Over -- Sugar Ray
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:31 AM on August 29, 2013


God, so much love for The Onion, including the handful of times I bit their style for my college newspaper back in the day. Neckbelts was the one I thought of for a deep cut, so since someone's already said that, one from this year I still chuckle over on a regular basis is just a headline and photo:

Double Amputee Proves He Is Capable Of Anything
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 8:31 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."
posted by zakur at 8:32 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


The onion's obit of Roger Ebert is still my absolute favorite, and it's the one I forward to basically everyone when the he comes up in conversation.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:34 AM on August 29, 2013 [19 favorites]


These are my two favorites of the Onion's post-9/11 reporting, after the Do-Not-Kill Rule article.

The American flag cake one just destroys me every time. Even more than the Do Not Kill Rule one. Though, who am I kidding, I'm a sobbing mess after either one of them.
posted by kmz at 8:34 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels -- By JonBenet Ramsey

You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly -- By Alana ‘Honey Boo Boo’ Thompson
posted by 1970s Antihero at 8:36 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Along with the "Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity," the entire Clinton Declares Self President for Life issue was brilliant, especially Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces to US.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:36 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


The onion's obit of Roger Ebert is still my absolute favorite, and it's the one I forward to basically everyone when the he comes up in conversation.

It's particularly excellent when you pair it with the headline (I don't believe there was a story, just the headline) from when Gene Siskel died:

Ebert Victorious
posted by Etrigan at 8:36 AM on August 29, 2013 [9 favorites]


Goddamnit, that JonBenet Ramsey one.
posted by jbickers at 8:37 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


From the Onion predicts the future files: Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades.

More topically today: So, What’s It Going To Be? by Bashar al-Assad, which is just about as good of a should they/shouldn't they for Syria as you'll see.
posted by themadthinker at 8:39 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]


"Our national nightmare of peace and prosperity is over" accompanied by the photo of Dubya has to be the most prescient fake headline ever made.
posted by Renoroc at 8:39 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hippie Will Tell You What the Real Crime Is
posted by Rangeboy at 8:40 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Favorited for Lundegard thread:

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Attempt To Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined By Interloper


posted by dr_dank at 8:41 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm surprised no one has mentioned The Onion Joe Biden which creeped into Tina Fey-Sarah Palin territory last fall when I had to keep reminding myself that the real Joe Biden was different than the Onion's portrayal of him. Every piece on him was consistently hilarious.
posted by DynamiteToast at 8:42 AM on August 29, 2013 [19 favorites]


I feel sorta bad that the one that sticks out in my mind is totally silly, and not one the countless amazingly poignant or trenchant things they've published over the years. But I'll fight anyone who doesn't agree that "Funyons Still Outselling Responsibilityuns" is the funniest phrase ever written.
posted by graphnerd at 8:43 AM on August 29, 2013 [12 favorites]


I miss Joad Cressbeckler.
posted by mcmile at 8:43 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


How many poorly conceived satirical newspapers did The Onion inspire?

I mean even I wrote one.
posted by The Whelk at 8:45 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ironic Porn Purchase Leads to Unironic Ejaculation
posted by dobie at 8:46 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids

Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

Late 90's/Early 00's was my favorite Onion era. They're less funny now but their satire is much more biting and angry.
posted by Ndwright at 8:46 AM on August 29, 2013 [9 favorites]


I'm surprised no one has mentioned The Onion Joe Biden which creeped into Tina Fey-Sarah Palin territory last fall when I had to keep reminding myself that the real Joe Biden was different than the Onion's portrayal of him.

First, I refuse to believe that they are different, and second, if Biden decides to run in 2016 and has any traction with younger voters, it's because of the Onion.
posted by gladly at 8:49 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


This American Life had a show in 2008 about the Onion's editorial meetings and the brutal process of narrowing down 600 potential headlines to 16.
posted by jhc at 8:50 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Peace Activist Has To Admit Barrett .50 Caliber Sniper Rifle Is Pretty Cool
posted by Rangeboy at 8:50 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area

I'd Say My Least Favorite Part About Being A Restroom Attendant Is Spending 8 Hours A Day In A Room Where People Defecate

Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow
posted by usonian at 8:51 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels -- By JonBenet Ramsey

That was the first time I saw the Onion on a newsstand. It was in downtown Denver, and I couldn't believe the balls it took to print this so close to Boulder. Huge fan ever since.
posted by sixpack at 8:52 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, a great point to mention Literally Unbelievable, a collection of people on Facebook who think the Onion is true.
posted by themadthinker at 8:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Houseguest Just Going To Lie There Until Rest Of House Wakes Up
posted by CarolynG at 8:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]


-Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors: "'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire! "
-Point-Counterpoint: This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won't
-Area Man Confounded by Buffet Procedure
-Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
posted by Iridic at 8:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


This may have been from a print version, because I've never been able to find it online, but I recall a headline I always liked was something like "Online Lesbian Romance Ends Badly as Two Men Meet."
posted by MoonOrb at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


This was magical

Bo Obama Receives Visiting Dognitaries From Furuguay
posted by timshel at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2013 [18 favorites]


When Real Joe Biden's only complaint was The Onion got his car wrong ("it's a Corvette!"), I knew they were one and the same.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:56 AM on August 29, 2013 [13 favorites]


The Whelk: How many poorly conceived satirical newspapers did The Onion inspire?

My own fair city has one that's been going strong for awhile now. It still seems to be a clone of the late 90's-era Onion, and last I checked there's still a print edition.

There are a handfu of headlinesl that seem to get the Onion tone ("Liver Worst" made me laugh), but I think they could benefit from a tough editorial process.
posted by Vendar at 8:57 AM on August 29, 2013


My favorite one from way back: Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum
posted by mcmile at 8:59 AM on August 29, 2013


(and it would seem that jhc beat me to TAL. I should read more carefully)
posted by Vendar at 9:01 AM on August 29, 2013


Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim Same Empty Bag
posted by fuse theorem at 9:03 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm not really exaggerating when I say I feel like the Onion is going to be an important tool for historians who really want to get a sense of what the national mood was like -- at least for a particular American demographic . Even now having lived through it looking back at the recent past this way feels more immediate -- much like reading old Metafilter/online threads.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:04 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'
posted by Area Man at 9:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


They've always really shined with the headline-only bits, too. I think my favorite was the "War on String May Be Unwinnable" one, complete with a serious-looking cat giving testimony photoshopped into a general's uniform.

The quietly brilliant "Ebert Victorious" headline, though, after Gene Siskel died, still strikes me as the perfect sort of wrong-funny.
posted by uberchet at 9:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


My personal favorite:

Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High.
posted by JennyJupiter at 9:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [18 favorites]


There are so many, many Onion articles that I love that I could possibly hope to find and link to them within the miserly monthly allotment of articles that is allowed to non-U.S. readers, so I'll just link to one of my all time favourites was the Point/Counterpoint article "My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate that Bitch", which always kills me no matter how many times I read it.

The 9/11 issue was absolutely brilliant. It wasn't even like there was only one or two great articles in it — almost the entire issue was an instant classic.

I also love Jean Teasdale. Who contributed her $0.02 to the 9/11 issue by deciding to pretend that 9/11 never happened.
posted by orange swan at 9:12 AM on August 29, 2013 [9 favorites]


Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High.

Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas
posted by griphus at 9:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


"Hubble Telescope Reveals Giant Thumbprint on Sun"

Also the headline-only: "New Invention Turns Grass Into Meat", with a picture of a cow.
posted by Legomancer at 9:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


For a while, they had captioned images on the front page, that seemed to me the purest distillation of Onionism:

"Soulless Man Has Cordless Phone"

"The Elderly: Do They Suspect?"

I worked with a woman in Wisconsin who was briefly dating a 60 year old Peter Tork from the Monkees, who didn't know what the Onion was. They were shopping together when he saw this headline, and gazed at it in wonder and awe at the world he now inhabited.
posted by fatbird at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


And I will never, ever be able to explain why, but Man Signs Up For PumpkinZonia.com, Seeing As There's Free Prismatic Pumpkin Points In It is my favorite Onion article ever, even considering it never actually made me laugh
posted by griphus at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


The growing publick Outcry over the North American BALD EAGLE grew ever more voluminous this week, as disgusted citizens demanded that the Congress act to address this INFESTATION of the nuisance Species, which has been such a Plague on Americans of late, and has recently become ever more so, due to its o'er-whelming Numbers, fear-less Personalitie, and nigh-unto-endless Range of Habitat, which extends from the farthest northern Climes to the southernmost realms of these newly united States.
Historical Archives: Bald Eagles Evr'y Where
posted by Chutzler at 9:16 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


One of my all time favourites was the Point/Counterpoint article "My Computer Totally Hates Me! vs. God, Do I Hate that Bitch"

They got a lot of mileage out of the Point/Counterpoint format. The one you mentioned is pretty great, but the all-time best has to be "U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately."
posted by Rangeboy at 9:17 AM on August 29, 2013 [10 favorites]


Special Olympics Tee Pitches Perfect Game
posted by carsonb at 9:20 AM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


"Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon" has got to be my favorite one-liner.
posted by teraflop at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2013 [12 favorites]


No Smoove B love? For shame, y'all...

Smoove Is Not A Fan Of Valentine's Day

And now I'm trying to find the one where his love left him for Jim Anchower. Love it a little too much when the columns crossover like that...
posted by RainyJay at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


My favorite pieces from The Onion are from the mid-1990s:

FAA To Require Longer Fuses on Commercial Planes (which takes a special resonance these days, but back then it followed a brief run of airline accidents.)

The Meatbucket: Science news about growing meat in a bucket. Predating similar gags from Bob the Angry Flower and, as it turns out, reality.

The second in particular is special because it is among the most horrible, vitriolic and hilarious things I've read. Assuming I haven't imagined it.

For whatever reason I've never been able to find the second one in The Onion's online archives. The FAA story only seems to have been added recently. I'd read both of them on their website back in the day -- it was the only access I had to The Onion at the time.
posted by ardgedee at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2013


New Roommate Always There
posted by griphus at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ten Percent Of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills

Great headlines:
"Washington’s Hobby Lobby Lobbies To Strengthen Hobbies"
"Man Wishes Someone Else Was Around To Taste How Good His English Muffin Pizzas Turned Out"
posted by estlin at 9:23 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Area Man Has Asshole, Old Navy Written All Over Him
posted by mattbucher at 9:24 AM on August 29, 2013


Voices In Man's Head Make Great Point About Time Management
posted by griphus at 9:27 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Point/Counterpoint: I Want To Be A Fireman!
posted by Greg Nog at 9:30 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Some of the best flash-fiction-disguised-as-an-article in the Onion (which am almost certain influenced Archer) was Dept. Head Rawlings' commentary articles:

By Now, The Uzbekistanis Have Discovered The Disappearance Of Their Orbital Platform

We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device

As Of This Briefing, We Have Commenced Operation Global Penumbra
posted by griphus at 9:30 AM on August 29, 2013 [13 favorites]


My favorite of all time:

Clinton Threatens to Drop Da Bomb On Iraq
Preparations for the military strike, dubbed Operation Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm, are already underway. The Mothership is ready and on standby at Starchild Air Force Base in Detroit, where more than 5,000 bop gunners are making final preparations for deployment to the Persian Gulf. Clinton has also ordered an additional 2,500 Aquaboogie Amphibious Assault units to the Gulf, bringing the total P-Funk Nation military presence in the region to 23,000.
posted by Ham Snadwich at 9:32 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


I Want To Be A Fireman!

That just reminded me of their old inanimate object articles:

I Enjoy Being a Battery

I'm A Cloud Factory!

I, Rowboat
posted by griphus at 9:32 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ten Percent Of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills

Oh wow, that's awesome. It reminds of my junior year of college when I was sharing a house with a bunch of guys in Pittsburgh. My roommate Ron had a couple of his friends over. He was this local guy, and most of his friends weren't in college at the time, he sort of ran with a stoner/burnout crowd in high school. I hardly knew any of their full names, just their nicknames or maybe their last names. Our house was a rowhome, where the two big rooms on the front part of the first floor were connected via a doorway that could be closed by sliding pocket doors.

Ron and this friend of his, a guy named Bell, and some other dudes were hanging out in one of those rooms, and two of my roommates in the other room were lifting weights. Everyone was talking, but the guys who were lifting wanted to get back to it, so at some point one of the them closed the sliding doors between the rooms. After a while, Bell looked up, his face all puzzled, and said, "Where the fuck did those guys go?"
posted by MoonOrb at 9:36 AM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death
"The ants work very, very hard," said Youngstown, OH, 9-year-old Dylan Munns, who will someday work in the same grim Hormel meat-packing plant where his father now toils, as his father did before him. "They dig tunnels and carry heavy stuff all day long. Then they do it all over again the next day."

"They all look and act the same," said Newark, NJ, 10-year-old Darnell Booker, who, like Munns, will one day play the role of blue-collar worker in a society that rewards collectivism over individualism. "And there's no escape."
posted by divined by radio at 9:37 AM on August 29, 2013 [12 favorites]


I recall a headline I always liked was something like "Online Lesbian Romance Ends Badly as Two Men Meet."

Of course, the way things work out these days, it may well have been an actual headline.
posted by Gelatin at 9:38 AM on August 29, 2013


The very first time I became aware of The Onion was at a friend's house. I saw what looked like a neighborhood newspaper laying on the table, and the teaser in the upper right-hand corner of the front page posed the question:

Literacy: Has the trend played itself out?

That caused an actual, honest-to-god spit take.
posted by Ickster at 9:38 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality
posted by griphus at 9:40 AM on August 29, 2013 [40 favorites]


(also is this shitty "traffic.outbrain.com" thing a problem for anyone else w/onion links or does my browser have a cooty?)
posted by elizardbits at 9:45 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Half of 26-Year-Old's Memories Nintendo-Related
"On Friday, we showed Mr. Jenkins a series of images meant to elicit memories of times of great pain and confusion in his life," Holbrook said. "The first two events that came to the fore of his psyche were an incident in late 2000 when the screen froze just as he was about to set a new 'best lap' record on Wave Race 64, and his great-grandmother's funeral."
Slow Down, Technology!
...last week my editor, Tony, said my handwriting looks like chicken scratch. He gave me two choices: get a computer or start laying some eggs! Boy, I sure did something to "ruffle his feathers," because then he threatened to "stuff" me with a pink slip and send me "clucking" down to the unemployment office. Talk about getting "henpecked." Sheesh! So I flew on down to the computer store— before things got really "fowl."
posted by byanyothername at 9:47 AM on August 29, 2013


I'm A Cloud Factory!

ghostwritten by Ayn Rand
posted by acb at 9:47 AM on August 29, 2013


The 9/11 issue was absolutely brilliant. It wasn't even like there was only one or two great articles in it — almost the entire issue was an instant classic.

Oh, absolutely. Not yet mentioned in this thread is my favorite from that issue, American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:53 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Just a short piece, but it's helped saved my sanity whenever I see hyperbolic science reporting on the latest unconfirmed diet research from a "real" news outlet: Eggs Good For You This Week
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:56 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


My favorite Point/Counterpoint: It Was Then That I Carried You vs. Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints.

I think "Real helpful, Jesus. Real helpful." at least once a day.
posted by xil at 10:03 AM on August 29, 2013 [18 favorites]


"Perky 'Canada' has own Government, Laws" has always been a favourite.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 10:11 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


CONSTANT HUGGING has become a catchphrase in our house every time the dog does something bad.
posted by griphus at 10:14 AM on August 29, 2013


New, note-perfect, and buried at the bottom of the page:

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt
posted by ryanshepard at 10:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were …
posted by inturnaround at 10:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


My introduction to the Onion and one of my all time favs: Greenspan, Entourage Demolish Hotel Room
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 10:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Reminds me of Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion.
posted by Iridic at 10:21 AM on August 29, 2013


Owls are assholes

I went to University of Wisconsin-Madison back in the day when it was a print-only local paper in Madison. I clearly remember the first headline I saw, as an incoming freshman. "University Sold to Waffle Chain", which had a picture of campus with a Waffle House sign over it. This was 1990, so photoshopping was kind of a new thing so I had to really look at it for a few minutes before figuring out it was satire.
posted by mcstayinskool at 10:22 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


A recently good one: Who wants a belly rub? vs. I want a belly rub

I have been telling my girlfriend I have the best belly all week.
posted by dismas at 10:26 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Two old favorites:

Point-Counterpoint: A Well-Informed Populace Is Vital To The Operation Of A Democracy by Noam Chomsky vs. Dixie Chicks Fever Sweeps America! by Jeff Logan

Something Weird Going On In That Montessori School, Neighbor Reports

And today's was a gut-puncher:

Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black

posted by Cash4Lead at 10:27 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


These were the first two Onion articles I ever read, and I was immediately hooked:

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior

Horkheimer Hospitalized
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:28 AM on August 29, 2013 [8 favorites]


I wish their onine archives were comprehensive still, but alas. My friend used to print them out & bring them along to read aloud in the van on the way to gigs & the very first one I ever saw just put me on the floor: Mother Theresa Doomed to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mix-up.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:28 AM on August 29, 2013


The Whelk: “How many poorly conceived satirical newspapers did The Onion inspire?

I mean even I wrote one.”
That's at least two then.

My personal favorites that haven't already been mentioned:
Jesus, This Week

Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation

Nation Wants Some Fucking Football, Doesn’t Give Shit About Details Of Collective Bargaining Agreement
posted by ob1quixote at 10:29 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


My personal favorite, which I can't link to now as I'm at work, was this fake headline, over a picture of a wildcat:

"AREA WILDCAT A REAL WILDCAT IN THE SACK
posted by diocletian at 10:34 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


I think it's been expunged from the archive, but I Am A Traffic Cone still makes me laugh thinking about it.

Cone cone cone. Orange cone. Cone.

also Bees thinking entirely in BASIC lines and if/then trees
posted by The Whelk at 10:35 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


My seed is pure.
posted by drezdn at 10:38 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags
posted by fusinski at 10:38 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Also, raise your hand if you thought the Onion personals where an elaborate, subtle parody of vacuous, soulless , most likely all bots anyway,personal ads that clutter up the internet for like, YEARS.
posted by The Whelk at 10:38 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze!
For my birthday, Emily gave me the funniest coffee mug, perfect for Irish coffee. It has a little teddy bear on it with a "don't mess with me" look on his face, and it says, "Hand Over The Booze And Nobody Gets Hurt." I laughed so hard! That bear was just like me when I robbed the party store earlier this year!
posted by Iridic at 10:41 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


My favorite from the 2012 elections: Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich

For once, a warning that we actually heeded.
posted by ckape at 10:43 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


We lost a giant when Herbert Kornfeld fell. Time was, his name would ring out.

It was a cruel twist of fate, that he went to his grave without hearing a Presidential candidate talking about binders fulla' women.
posted by mhoye at 10:44 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


From Our Dumb Century:
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
..."For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."...
posted by hwyengr at 10:47 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


Just the thought of T. Herman Zweibel's I wish to meet this 'Burger-King' makes me giggle like a loon.

Earth to be made child-safe has the same effect on my mother.
posted by ZipRibbons at 10:48 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Their election last year coverage was wonderful. Some of it was just really funny, like:

Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere


But a lot of it was also "ouch, this hits too close to home" funny

Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful

Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time


Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate


And, if you're not interested in politics, you might be interested in other pursuits, such as cat breeding.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:52 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Along the lines of ham snadwich's link, here's my favorite: National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue.
posted by Phatty Lumpkin at 10:54 AM on August 29, 2013


Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

I have a client at work who deals with a lot of people from Central and Southeastern Europe and hands some of the work off to us. Every time I get an order from them with a 9-syllable last name with three vowels in it -- looking at you, Turkmenistan -- or a name where the only vowel is the letter 'j', I always think of this article.
posted by griphus at 10:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


So a bit more than 25 years ago I was a manager of bookstore/video rental store in Madison, Wisconsin that went by the name of Four Star Fiction and Video, and we're receiving books and printing labels in the back room when I got a call from the front, telling me there's some guy at the register who wants to know if we'd like to place an ad in their new weekly humor publication.

"Hang on," I said as I dropped the invoice I was working on and walked to the front. He was a skinny kid, went by the name of Scott Dikkers (AKA T. Herman Zweibel), and he was best buds with one of our clerks, so I already knew him. The two of them used to put out this surreal calendar every year with hilarious and fabricated annotations for the various birthdays and anniversaries the calendar noted. But Scott had gotten together a little money and had purchased this floundering weekly satirical newspaper and he was wondering if we'd take a chance on him and run an ad. He showed me a couple of story examples and they were a riot, so I agreed. I think we were, if not his first advertiser, among his first.

After their first publication under the new masthead, the paper was a big hit, and we decided to place an ad every week. It was easily our most effective marketing effort. We typically ran 2 for 1 video rental coupons, which were very popular, and occasionally an author event ad in the space. The book/videostore quickly took out a standing order to ensure we were in every print issue in the Madison market.

At the time Scott was also working on a comic called Jim's Journal with goofy but lovable characters including Jim's kind-of-a-jerk roommate named Tony. Scott insisted the strip had nothing to do with me or the book/videostore (where in the strip, Jim eventually got a job) that I worked at, but I wonder to this day if the jerk in the comic was supposed to be me. I guess it didn't matter. He got really rich and famous, and maybe it's because I didn't take his jokes personally and agreed to be one of his first advertisers. I haven't talked to him since I left Madison back in the late Eighties, so I wonder if he'd even remember me.

Since I'm already dropping names, I feel the need to point out that right before I left that store we hired THE Dan Savage, where he would then go on to get promoted to manager. I worked with him about two weeks before I left. I hear he also went on to bigger and better things (after moving to Seattle with another early Onion investor to found The Stranger).

As for me, well, I have lead a significantly more humble life, and I finally killed that son-of-a-bitch gopher, so I guess I got that going for me.

Area Man Watches Others Prosper Around Him. Holds No Grudges.
posted by Toekneesan at 10:55 AM on August 29, 2013 [55 favorites]


My favourite Onion moment has to be the moment a couple of years ago when my seventy-something father said to me, "Have you ever heard of The Onion?"
posted by orange swan at 11:09 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


My favs:

Jacques Derrida 'Dies'

African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 11:11 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Senator Mix-A-Lot Sponsors Titties-On-Glass Legislation
Has just a perfect quote from the legislation, which is 100% in Mix-A-Lot's style.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 11:15 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Back in the dark days of the late '90s in London, only TWO people in my office had Internet access and the rest of us were just on intranet email. So I used to stay late to read The Onion on one of the computers ... and print it out for the rest of my department, so they'd have something fun to read the next morning.

Smoove B was my all-time favorite. I just checked, and he's in the hospital!

"I have only two complaints about my stay. First, the nurses need to give more thought to how they dress for their patients. Their baggy blue pantsuits do little to flatter or create an aura of feminine mystique. Though I have sent e-mails to the hospital administrator about this and offered to send a letter of introduction to my personal tailor, I have received no reply. Second, the food here leaves much to be desired. I do not know where they fly their strawberries in from, but it is not the finest strawberry-producing region in the world. Not by a long shot."

Two other greats:

World Death Rate Holding Steady at 100 Percent

Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice with Me
posted by vickyverky at 11:17 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Walken In LA.

"I would like to end by emphasizing once again that I really like to eat hot dogs. If any of you people disagree, I loathe you. I despise you. Not only that, but I also despise all your loved ones. I want to see them torn to pieces by wild dogs. If I ever meet you in person, I'll smash your brains in with a fucking bat. Then we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:17 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


My absolute favorite Onion headline is from a page-a-day calendar, and it reads something like "Soviets ahead in dog-killing race". It makes me laugh every time. It's definitely in that sort-of uncomfortably funny zone.
posted by wintermind at 11:21 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

Not sure I can back this up with a cite, but I seem to remember hearing that this was the article that gave them the impetus to go online. It had been printed in The Onion, mid-90s or so, when it was still print-only, and people started passing it around the internet without attribution. When they saw that, they realized they needed to be online.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:30 AM on August 29, 2013


Craig Counsell best player of Steroid Era.
posted by drezdn at 11:31 AM on August 29, 2013


The Onion's coverage of the 2000 Elections was particularly inspired. Apart from "Clinton Declares Self President for Life" and "Serbia Deploys Peacekeeping Forces to U.S.", we had these gripping pieces from the field:
"Nation Plunges into Chaos",
"Communication with Florida Cut Off",
and
"NBC News Reverses Earlier Report of Gore's Death".

The Onion of the 90s seemed, I dunno, zanier. Perhaps the events of 2000-2001 formed something like a satirical watershed, after which no fiction could be stranger than the truth.
posted by The Nutmeg of Consolation at 11:35 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


Terrifying Sea Monster Turns Out To Be Even More Terrifying Amphibious Monster

CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

Raped Environment Led Polluters On, Defense Attorneys Argue

Osama Bin Laden Found Inside Each Of Us

'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police

Unwatched Netflix DVD Stares At Area Man With Single Unblinking Eye

New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion
posted by Rhaomi at 11:36 AM on August 29, 2013 [12 favorites]


Oh, The Onion. I know what I'll be doing for the rest of the day...

For millions of Americans, however, there is no more beloved harbinger of spring than the sight of a UPS man's sturdy calves in the open air after months hidden away beneath heavy brown fabric.

Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts

I think about this line EVERY TIME I see a UPS guy in shorts.
posted by polly_dactyl at 11:42 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills
posted by rhizome at 12:13 PM on August 29, 2013


Cat Fancy Magazine Blasts Area Kitten
posted by pepcorn at 12:17 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


And according to my mom, this article that I sent to my then-recently-retired dad hit a little too close to home:

Study: Retired Dads Busier Than Ever
"I tell you, I've been spending so much time getting blanking plugs for the house's unused electrical outlets that I hardly even have time to make lists of other things to do," said former heart surgeon Gerald Jessop, 65, who admitted that he would like to be able to relax and enjoy his retirement, but with all the pictures to rearrange in his house it is nearly impossible. "And don't get me started on my how many hours I have to spend cleaning the mildew out of the bird feeder. Christ, that's a full-time job in and of itself."
posted by Ham Snadwich at 12:25 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I ca'nt find the other favorite from the early days: New Snack Treat Crispety, Crunchety Respite of Doom.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:46 PM on August 29, 2013


I always appreciated their comment when Jerry Garcia died:

"Head Deadhead Dead".

Poetry.
posted by kyrademon at 12:52 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


We lost a giant when Herbert Kornfeld fell. Time was, his name would ring out.

.
posted by homunculus at 1:22 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


The best thing the Onion ever did, IMO, is that Our Dumb Century book, every page of which, much of it filled with tiny type, containing several LOL moments. It's amazing.

I think there was something of a minor fad of local humor publications after The Onion's massive success. Here in southeast Georgia we had "The Joker," which was incredibly skeezy, and resorted to putting pictures of bikini women on its cover to attract sales. It seems it's still around, but it has stopped offering print subscriptions only, which can't be a good sign, and online all its content seems to be paywalled. Anyway, any publication that advertises itself as politically incorrect tends to be forgettable at best.
posted by JHarris at 1:26 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Here ya go, Devil's Rancher:


New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

posted by Cookiebastard at 1:31 PM on August 29, 2013 [9 favorites]


Here in southeast Georgia we had "The Joker,"...

In NYC we had "Jest" in the mid 2000s. It seems to have been stricken from the Internet's collective memory save for an NYT article which, frankly, makes me doubt it ever existed.

One of the few things I remember from it was a series of "what your favorite album says about you," and I can't recall the damn album, but the punchline was "'Ugh, why does every guy I go home with already have Portishead cued up?'"
posted by griphus at 1:57 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I tried to sell some stuff to Jest griphus, it totally existed.
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Duh, I'm stupid!
posted by Navelgazer at 2:01 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass:
"The noise and dirt of the construction was one thing," said San Antonio, TX, resident Floyd Paymer. "But now, with all the traffic, it's just unbearable. The honking, the chickens, the sound of thousands of cars going back and forth to Canada and Mexico is more than I can take. I can hear those goddamn radios blaring Mariachi music and Rush all day and night."
posted by elmono at 2:01 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Just Haven't Heard The Right Album

Yep. That's me.
posted by NedKoppel at 2:19 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Some favorites from Our Dumb Century:

1912: World's Largest Metaphor Hits Iceberg
1913: Does America Suffer From a 'Zeppelin Gap'?
1926: Man Ventures Outside Hatless
1937: German Jews Concerned about Hitler's 'Kill All Jews' Proposal
1942: Ladies, Negroes Momentarily Useful
1948: Ant-like Conformity Now Affordable
1956: Supreme Court Upholds Law Requiring Negro Voters to be White
1983: Your Legs: Are they Warm Enough?

(The typography and design changes as the years progress are one of the best parts of that book.)

See Rhaomi's great post for more.
posted by Rhomboid at 2:23 PM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


My first memory of The Onion (circa 1994) is something like, "Island God Demands Buttery Scone."
posted by one_bean at 2:27 PM on August 29, 2013


A couple of favorites:

The phrase "Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket" from the Holy Shit, Man Lands on Fucking Moon story is in pretty constant rotation.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma had us looking to see which D&D character sheet they were using.

Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me! was one of my favorite point/counterpoint articles

Plus, without the print edition, we'd be deprived of the majesty of their video series, like Lake Dredge Appraisal.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:32 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


An article I saw just after joining a research institute:

World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice

Seemed to fit.
posted by antiwiggle at 2:39 PM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


Area Bassist Fellated
posted by Superfrankenstein at 2:40 PM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


NedKoppel just reminded me of two of my favorites:

Darling, There's Something I've Been Hiding from You - I'm Jimmy Buffett
Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan to Friends
posted by Navelgazer at 2:42 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hey, Everybody, Let's Put On An Avant-Garde Show!

Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids

Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy
posted by griphus at 2:59 PM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


We've decided that life's too short NOT to go to the good mall.

Fuck, I Just Realized I'm Going To Be One Of The People Who Die In This Heat Wave
posted by Biblio at 3:15 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


A personal favorite:

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts
"I looked at the calendar yesterday, and I couldn't believe my eyes—9/11 is almost here!" a rosy-cheeked Cheney said upon returning to the White House Sunday with two giant bags overflowing with gift-wrapped boxes and big red bows. "It's the most wonderful time of the year."
posted by gimonca at 4:05 PM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


Too far?

1969: U.S. TROOPS PULL OUT OF VIETNAMESE PEASANT GIRL
posted by cacofonie at 4:09 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cats are better than dogs vs. Fine
posted by JHarris at 4:13 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


If we're including videos, the breathless tech report on the new MacBook Wheel is unbeatable.
posted by gimonca at 4:13 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


So many favorites, but two that come to mind now:

Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwich
posted by janerica at 4:24 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Point/Counterpoint is so, so good. Probably my favorite feature apart from the historical issues.

My Year Volunteering As A Teacher Helped Educate A New Generation Of Underprivileged Kids
vs.
Can We Please, Just Once, Have A Real Teacher



As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down
vs.
This Shelter For Homeless AIDS Sufferers Has Been Defunded; Please Gather Your Things



The Israeli Conflict Is Far Too Nuanced And Complex To Sum Up In One Op-Ed
vs.
Not If You Hate Jews!



Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars
vs.
Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy



And one gem that isn't archived on the website:


(A humidifier): What We Need Is More Humidity.
vs.
(A dehumidifier): Humidity Must Be Destroyed.
posted by Rhaomi at 4:41 PM on August 29, 2013 [18 favorites]


You're all wrong. Headline:

WHEELCHAIR ATHLETE STUNS CROWD WITH THUNDEROUS SLAM DUNK
posted by Alaska Jack at 4:42 PM on August 29, 2013


Point/Counterpoint is so, so good.
posted by Rhaomi at 7:41 PM on August 29 [4 favorites −] [!]


Those are SUBLIME!

You're Never Too Old For Laser Tag
vs.
Sir, If You're Not Accompanying A Minor I'm Going To Have To Ask You To Leave

I Know It's Crazy, But Some Days I Feel Like Everybody Is Out To Get Me
vs.
Our Mission Has Been Compromised! Abort!

Maple Syrup Is An Excellent Way To Enhance The Flavor Of Pancakes And Waffles
vs
I Thought We Were Going To Talk About The Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons

You Know, There Are Some Excellent Red Wines Coming Out Of Argentina
vs.
I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You

My Computer Totally Hates Me!
vs.
God, Do I Hate That Bitch

Life Begins At Conception
vs.
Life Begins At 40!
posted by cacofonie at 5:04 PM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside the Box
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:10 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Rhaomi, I specifically searched for the humidifier vs. dehumidifier one to link to it and failed to find it. Do we have the same brain or something?
posted by JHarris at 5:21 PM on August 29, 2013


In addition to Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules mentioned above, one of my personal favs is Amish Give Up.

The headline I remember best, however, is BEER! IT KICKS ASS!, because I'd see it every day walking through the CS building at school, posted on some professor's or TA's office window.

Hard to believe it's been 25 years.
posted by Brak at 5:21 PM on August 29, 2013


These are my two favorites of the Onion's post-9/11 reporting, after the Do-Not-Kill Rule article.

I also liked this one.
posted by homunculus at 5:23 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


This one made the last election more bearable: Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards
posted by homunculus at 5:24 PM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


This is my favorite, though for some reason I couldn't find it on their site:

Monk Gloats Over Yoga Championship
posted by Kafkaesque at 5:25 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


I Am So Starving vs. I Am So Starving was perhaps the one article that cemented my love for this publication. Maybe it says something awful about me, but on 9/11, upon seeing the news, my first thought was "Oh, crap. This is terrible and we're going to go to war." My second thought was "What the hell is The Onion going to do?"
posted by voiceofreason at 5:26 PM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


Recently I've been loving their Royal Baby Coverage.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:35 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I still have the original paper copy of this one:

New Railway Line To Be Built Straight Up Your Ass

There is a story that goes with it, not on the website though. "Choo! Choo! This is a picture of the train that will soon be running up your ass..."
posted by Otherwise at 5:47 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


First time I ever saw the Onion was a paper copy sitting on the coffee table in my very, very Republican FIL's living room, with a corner fake teaser photo of a man in a straw hat driving a tractor with a boy in front of him at the wheel, and the caption "AlabamaNAMBLA Summer". I did a literal spit take which was problematic relative to the living room carpet. "Yeah", he said, "I found it on a plane. I'm not sure it's real news."
posted by hearthpig at 6:05 PM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]


A favorite from last year or so was the "Sudoko killer" tag at the end of this video about Apple's new laptop with no keyboard.
posted by mothershock at 6:11 PM on August 29, 2013


I have been looking for that poorly-remembered yoga one for ages, omg. I AM THE SERENEST!
posted by elizardbits at 6:13 PM on August 29, 2013


This has enough good links to have something to read for a year or so.

Thanks Mefites!
posted by TheLittlePrince at 6:16 PM on August 29, 2013


Their standalone headlines are usually instant favorites.

Like Boxes of Shit in your House? Get a Cat

Gorilla Won't Stop Saying 'Gorilla' in Sign Language
posted by usonian at 6:16 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


So many good ones. Here's another: Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way
posted by learnsome at 6:27 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Signed up just to share a few of my unmentioned favourites :

Millions and Millions Dead (somewhat of an improvement on the earlier World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent)

Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things

Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot

Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.

the following two are absolutely brutal

Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy

Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box
posted by reuvenc at 6:52 PM on August 29, 2013 [8 favorites]


'Carpe Diem,' Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room
posted by cupcake1337 at 7:12 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


A masterpiece of visual comedy:

New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time
posted by Rhaomi at 7:21 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


I remember one from way back when that I haven't been able to find. It was along the lines of "Daddy Put in Bye Bye Box" in that it was something like a guide to mortuary science for kidz. There was an illustration of an undertaker that still brings me creepy joy to this day.

Also, let's not the deliciousness that is Kelly.
posted by gjc at 7:23 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


This one about Gehry never fails to make me laugh.
posted by bibliogrrl at 7:42 PM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]


Oh! And because it's football season, my all time favorite Point/Counterpoint
posted by bibliogrrl at 7:46 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


gjc, you're thinking about Daddy put in Bye-Bye Box

WARNING: autoloading scent of onions being choppedholy hell that makes me cry every time.
posted by Lemurrhea at 8:01 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Roof on Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People
"I just kept shouting, 'The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!' and so forth, but they just went right on dancing, insisting that they didn't need any of our water and that we should let the motherfucker burn."
posted by kirkaracha at 8:10 PM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Have to contribute my own favorite, in the vein of "I am a rowboat" and "I enjoy being a battery," but not actually on their site - I give you

My Work Is Largely Unappreciated
By a pylon
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 8:22 PM on August 29, 2013 [8 favorites]


That's Not Funny; My Brother Died That Way
posted by drezdn at 9:16 PM on August 29, 2013


My favorite: Some Old Man Still Churning Out Marmaduke
posted by broken wheelchair at 9:35 PM on August 29, 2013


All-time favorite headline: King Latifah Returns for Wife

And favorite article: It Only Tuesday, which I reference…every Tuesday

Also good: Anne Geddes Starting to Lose It
posted by Charity Garfein at 10:12 PM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Scientists isolate Gene Simmons.

Still makes me giggle.
posted by fonetik at 10:37 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wait Staff Tired Of Sleeping With Each Other
posted by vibrotronica at 10:47 PM on August 29, 2013


Drugs Win Drug War. Couldn't find original article online so had to link to a photo of the headline.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 11:27 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've always loved Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 11:52 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Giant Undersea Cephalopods Targeted By Pepsi
posted by homunculus at 12:26 AM on August 30, 2013


Speaking of soft drinks, here's a favorite from way back:
RC Cola Celebrates 10th Purchase
posted by ShutterBun at 1:20 AM on August 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


The pylon article! I love the pylon article and haven't been able to find it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:00 AM on August 30, 2013


Some more I found really funny:

US Signs Declaration of Dependence on China

Man Who Couldn't Defeat George W. Bush Attempting to Resolve Israel Palestine Conflict

Family Concerned After McCain Wanders into Syria
posted by Azaadistani at 10:55 AM on August 30, 2013


Wait Staff Tired Of Sleeping With Each Other

Oh God, that second picture nails it.

The Onion's mundane desperation stories are always good.

Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression

Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

And this one just has the best picture. Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:30 PM on August 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


Headline: Schoolchildren Watch Urinating Horse With Mounting Fear And Awe
posted by mattbucher at 6:24 PM on August 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


Porkin' Across America. There are no words. It is horrifyingly perfect.
posted by avocet at 10:04 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Wow. At first, that seemed like it was going to be a straightforward parody of the unctuous middle age news-guy type. But if you keep watching, its true plan slowly unfolds and you're rewarded with something so much darker and more satisfying.
posted by Rhomboid at 12:21 PM on August 31, 2013


Eight Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam
posted by marble at 1:11 PM on August 31, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's remarkable how few repeats there are in this thread. A testament to the awesomeness of the Onion and also to how the form enables a wide and ever-fresh platform for comedy.
posted by wemayfreeze at 4:56 PM on August 31, 2013


Okay, my favourite: Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport.
posted by jokeefe at 6:22 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


I can't believe I forgot that one. The Dostoevsky joke at the end doesn't meet the standard set by the rest of it, though.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:41 PM on September 2, 2013


The Onion: Not Funny
posted by DynamiteToast at 9:40 AM on September 3, 2013


I think "The Onion used to be funny until it started making fun of things I like!" is probably 24.8 years old.
posted by Etrigan at 9:45 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't have time to read through all the links, so I don't know whether I'm repeating one, but this one about the violin prodigy totally belongs among the Mundane Sadness greats.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 4:16 AM on September 10, 2013 [3 favorites]


The Onion: Not Funny

Really not ones to talk about phoning it in occasionally, are they?
posted by Artw at 7:04 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


"The Onion: Not Funny" #slatepitches
posted by zombieflanders at 7:38 AM on September 10, 2013


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